_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 6 October 1992 RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. ========= CONTENTS ========= 1001 COW TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS: Part One MIRROR, MIRROR: Part 2 POLITICAL AD FOR SWANNOX "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST AT LAST CONCLUDED MEMOIRS OF THE COLA WARS ABSENTEE BALLOTS AVAILABLE FOR ELECTION ON NOVEMBER 3RD BORG CHEERS THE NIGHT NOVELLUS CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN SHOCKING NEWS: ATTENTION ALL BORG UNITS ALIEN PERSPECTIVE: The Wedding of the Rihannsu Praetor and T'Caer ASK NOVELLUS NAKED CAME THE BORG ASK OXNARDUS ADVERTISEMENTS TRUE LIFE DOCTOR PEPPER TALES TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE BORG LIKE PIZZA BORG BILLIARDS BORG LATIN LESSONS TRANSCRIPT OF LUCRETIA/ALEXIUS MARRIAGE ================================ 1001 COW TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS ================================ Part One 1. When tipping cows, never tip more than 15%. After 15%, gravity takes over and anything else is a waste of effort. 2. Never, ever tip the biggest and only "cow" in the field. 3. Beware of tipping cows. If they knew anything about the stock market, they would be riding in limos right now. 4. Tipping cows is much more enjoyable when both tipper and tippee are drunk. 5. When the service calls for it, please, by all means, tip the cow. But remember the 15% rule. 6. When tipping cows, never stand downhill. 7. When tipping cows in vacuum, forget the 15% rule. But also remember to tip with a smile and a good handhold. 8. When cow tipping, always tip with care and dignity. Cows do this as a career and are not your playthings. 9. Remember, cow tipping is a job, not an adventure. Treat it as such. --Rubberus Checkus All cow tips are guaranteed tested in the field ============== MIRROR, MIRROR ============== Part 2 Voice over: Captain's supplementary log, stardate undetermined. After returning to the Enterprise we have found that things have changed here almost as much as on the Borg command vessel. On that vessel we encountered a strange being who called himself "Godfatherus Tripleletterus of Borg." Our normal Borg friends were present, but seemed dazed and strangely different. Data has speculated that some sort of mind control device has been used on them. To me, it seems as if much more than that is wrong. Too many other things seem different, including the first name, rank, and position of the man who in our memory is Lt. Commander Potsie T. Riker, Sanitation Engineer. Here he appears to be Commander William T. Riker, First officer. I have assigned Commander Data to search the ship's library computer for some clue as to where and when we are. Data: Captain, I have found 3,426,289 occurrences of differences between this computer's record of history, and the historical data relevant to our own place of origin. Picard: Commander, I find it interesting that you refer to where we were before the attempted beam-up as "our own place of origin." By that are you implying that we have wound up somewhere else? Worf: Pretty damn obvious, I'd think.... Picard: Well, Data? Where in the bloody universe are we? Data: Not in our "bloody" universe, captain... Troi: Of course! We're in some sort of "parallel universe", aren't we Data? Like that occurrence which happened to the crew of the Constitution class Enterprise? Data: Yes Counselor, that also was my evaluation. In fact, many of the differences relevant to the counterparts of the individuals in this room are quite interesting. Your counterpart, Counselor, for example, had a temptuous sexual affair with this universe's Riker. Troi: ARE YOU KIDDING??? THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! POTSIE T. RIKER???? AND ME? Data: Yes. In addition, my counterpart had what you humans would refer to as a "One night stand" with Tasha Yar. Worf: You lucky dog!!!! WAY TO GO!!!! Data: May I remind you that this was my counterpart and not myself. Worf: Still...... What about my counterpart? Data: Well, your counterpart is only security officer here. Also he appears to have a son. Worf: A SON? Picard: Alright, we can sort these details out later. Now we have to come up with a plan of action. Troi: Why does Riker keep leering at me? Riker: So Captain, I was worried when you proposed your little expedition over to the Borg ship, but it seems we got you out okay. The strangest thing though, we had to make two beaming attempts to bring you back. How did you perceive the first beam attempt? Picard: Oh... Umm, Number..ah, umm. One, we just faded for a second and reappeared back on the Borg ship. Riker: Captain, are you feeling alright? Ever since you got back you've been acting like you have trouble remembering my name or something. In fact, I heard you mistakenly call Mr. Worf "Number One." Picard: Sorry Pots...ah, um, Will. Our trip was extremely tiring. In fact I think I'm going to retire to my ready room and go through my comic book collection. Riker: Captain, I didn't know you had a.. Riker: So, Deanna, it's been a long time since we...talked... after we get off-duty, how about we go away for a little "private conversation?" Riker: Boy, what the heck has gotten into her? Or hasn't? DAAAA DUMMMMMMMM DUMMMMMMMMMM! Picard: So Data, have you gathered any information on the differences between these dreadful Borg and our own fun-loving variant? Data's voice: Yes Captain. Central in these differences is the approach the Borg take to assimilation. Here it seems to be a totally involuntary form of brain-washing. As you recall, in our reality the Borg assimilation is more of a symbolic statement of unity. In our universe the Borg candidate voluntarily submits to implants and the ideologies of the Collective. Here, a single mad dictator, this "Godfatherus Tripleletterus" we met, has subverted and changed the Borg into an evil and universally hostile military race. Picard: WHAT? NO PARTYING? NO PIZZA? NO FREE COLA DRINKS TO ALL GUESTS? Data's voice: Here, Captain, the Borg have no guests, and Pizza is the last thing on their collective mind. Picard: Our counterparts existence here is harder than we had dared thought. And what of this universe's Federation? Data's voice: Well Captain, as you recall, the computer earlier referred to this vessel as the "U.S.S." Enterprise. Picard: Yes, get on with it Data! Data's voice: The initials "U.S.S." stand for "United Star Ship." Picard: Yes, quite different from our own "U.P.S. -- United Pizza Ship." And what of this ship's mission? Data's voice: Primarily this is an exploration vessel. However it quite often serves a military purpose. Picard: MILITARY!! No wonder we are wearing these stupid uniforms! What I wouldn't give for my Ren and Stimpy T-Shirts! Apparently this vessel serves a much different purpose than our own. Data's voice: Yes, however the market for our version of the Federation's Pizza Delivery Service does not exist in this continuum. With the Borg hostile to the Federation, there is little chance of any Federation vehicle pulling up to a Borg Cube and hailing their frequencies saying "Okay, we made it here in under 30 minutes!! Your pies are still hot!" DUMMMMMMMM DAAAAAAAA DUMMMMMMM!!!! Troi: Come in, please. Worf: I did not mean to disturb you, Counselor. May we converse now or shall I return later? Troi: No, let's talk now. What's on your mind? Worf: It has occurred to me that if we are here, and yet our counterparts are not. I have been concerned as to their whereabouts. Troi: That's been bothering me too. I suppose that if we're here, they must be in our universe. Worf: Yes, I wonder if they are having the kinds of difficulties we are. Potsie Riker: Hey, aren't you going to join us on the holodeck? It's a great party! Mr. Worf has climbed up on the tables and is doing what he calls "The Klingon Hustle." Mr. Data is telling jokes, and for a change he's actually funny! And the Counselor....Whooooooa! She's been coming on to me all night!!!! Alt. Picard:That is NOT proper behavior, Number One. Potsie Riker: Did Commander Worf walk on the bridge? No? By the way Captain, I was sure surprised when you called me for a second-beam back attempt after the last Borg party. I mean I set the thing pretty well the first time. I just went for some coffee, and when I came back, you were calling me urgently for a second attempt as if you were afraid of being on the Borg ship. Whatever is there to be afraid of over there? Alt. Picard: Ah... Umm. Nothing, I guess. At least here..... Potsie Riker: What did you say Captain? Alt. Picard: By the way, ahh, umm. Potsie, why was the phased polarity inverter in the primary transporter console REVERSED? Potsie Riker:Weelllllll, I don't know but it's a darn good thing we used the backup console to get you back here the second time. (to be continued) ======================== POLITICAL AD FOR SWANNOX ======================== He was the First Cahuna For 48 Hours Supreme Borg. Novellus Sabotaged the 1992 Democratic & Republican Conventions for Him! The Supreme Borg also granted him "a piece of the action" by making him Supreme Cahunus Grandioseus." He graduated from the Borg School of Law. He was the Spotlight Borg in the Boffo 6th Month Issue of RIF [RIF #4]. He is the Owner of the Hip Blues Club! It's clear who you should vote for. On November 3, Vote for Swannox of Borg! ---PAID FOR BY THE BORG POLITICAL PARTY (BPP) ======================================================== "BE A BIG CAHUNA FOR 48 HOURS" CONTEST AT LAST CONCLUDED ======================================================== HA! Everyone thought it would never end. But it did! On October 1st! THAT'S IT! THE SUMMER BORGIVERSARY '92 IS OVER. You may go home now. The Big Cahuna Temps chosen over the Summer Borgiversary were: Swannox JSWP12A (July 2-3), Chaotus DVNH74A (July 8-9), Qube WRWT50D (now Wingus) (July 15-16), Las Larius (July 22-23), Kittius XJRB61B (August 5-6), Lindaswedacious RFCX68B (August 12-13), Rialtus VCBD90A (August 19-20), Volk- sarius HRWP99B (August 26-27), Armadillius (Sep 02-03), Lindaswedacious (Sep 09-10), Fraclicutus (Sep 16-17), Lindaswedacious (Sep 23-24 Clueless), and Lindaswedacious (Sep 30-01). Oxnardus would like to humbly thank all the participants for their support and cahunaness. ======================== MEMOIRS OF THE COLA WARS ======================== The following are the memoirs of unit Chatsworthus, concerning the brutal, bloody, and just plain NASTY, Cola Wars of '92. They began, by this unit's recollection, when certain units proclaimed that their cola was the ONLY cola fit to be consumed. As this quickly led to irrational and irresponsible attacks upon other units, with serious questions raised as to the legitimacy of their creation, the occupation of their "mother" units, and even their fitness to participate in activities Borgish, we quickly realized that the collective could be in REAL trouble, if this problem were not nipped in the bud....Hence, unit Chatsworthus, himself possibly bearing some very slight guilt in this area, unilaterally decreed on Stardate 920726.0742, that..... well, read for yourself, units, and decide if we've done the correct thing. We believe that we have. It begins with a reply to a (then) new Q named L. Berna, who pointed out that we were spending far too much time and effort in the terrible wars....... TO: PSGX43A SUBJECT: BORG COLA WARS DATE: 07/26/1992 You guys know something? Chatsworthus finds himself in AGREEMENT with the L. Berna Q unit! Scary isn't it? We are spending far too much of our partying time on which cola is better, and too little time actually partying!! Chatsworthus, Associate Justice BSC, hands down this decree for now and hopefully forever. This is a truly stupendous moment, and will go down in the Borg Archives of Montanus, forever.... ***** BY ORDER OF CHATSWORTHUS ***** From this stardate onward, 920726.0742, be it known by all present, their descendants, heirs, assigns, legatees, devisees, etc etc etc, forthwith and heretofore and all that other legal gobbledegook, that ALL Borg units have the absolute right to consume ANY beverage of their choice!!!!!! This right is only limited when it comes to alcoholic beverages, in which case, they must NOT be consumed by the designated pilot unit of their land- cruiser, within a minimum of twelve earth hours before piloting. Colas, Uncolas, Doctors, Mountains, Crushes and Crushers, Shastas, Mug, A&W, etc etc may be consumed in any quantity that a unit sees fit, and NO other unit, INCLUDING Chatsworthus, will make ANY discouraging words, and the sky, won't be cloudy, all day!!! Home, home on the..... oops.... song comes easily to Chats, heh heh.... FURTHERMORE, let it be known that any and all variants of these beverages, i.e. High octane, diet, caffeine-free, caffeine-paid, salt-free, double caffeine, etc etc are among the protected types. The "etc" is carefully designed to cover any beverages that Chats may have forgotten to mention here. We hope that this will absolutely and forever end the bloody Cola Wars, without even the need for Wiggalus to arrange an internal treaty among the Borg! Signed, Sealed, Delivered, etc, etc, Chatsworthus of Borg, AJ,BSC The Chatsworthus unit wishes to take this opportunity to thank the L. Berna unit of the Q for waking us up to the fact that WHICH beverage is irrelevant! (Bearing in mind the codicil about alcoholic beverages, of course) Well, units, that about sums up that terrible part of our history. As Q2 says so wisely, those who are ignorant of history shall be doomed to repeat it. Over and over. And over.... Go forth, confident in the absolute knowledge that the collective is bigger and stronger now, possibly in some small way BECAUSE of this awful conflict. Drink your beverage of choice! Eat your junk food of choice! Know that the collective is big enough to tolerate differences between members, and that afterwards, we will all join implants and proclaim loudly, while singing at the top of our laryngeal implants...... WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE, WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE, WE SHALL ASSIMI-LATE, SOME, DAY-AY-AY-AY-AAAAAAYYYYY! DEEP IN OUR CIRCULATORY IMPLANTS, WE DO BE-LIEVVVVVEEEEE, WE SHALL ASSIMILATE, SOME, DAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! For the above lyrics, we acknowledge with deep respect, the work of Martin Luther Kingborg..... ======================================================= ABSENTEE BALLOTS AVAILABLE FOR ELECTION ON NOVEMBER 3RD ======================================================= If you will not be available to post on the Borg Club Exit Poll on November 3, 1992, please e-mail (HCMH17A) or send via US Mail to this journal before November 3, 1992, your absentee exit poll vote. =========== BORG CHEERS =========== 1) TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT, WHO DO WE ASSIMILATE? ANYBODY, EVERYBODY, ALLLLLLLL!!!! 2) F-U-T, I-L-E RESISTANCE IS FUTILITY! YEAAAAAAAAA!!!! 3) THE ENTERPRISE is in DANGER WE're taking a BEATING COME ON FOLKS! L E T ' S HAVE A M E E T I N G ! ---MONTANUS, Borg cheerleader, waving pompom arm attachments WE'RE BEAMING UP RIKER WE GOT OUR ORDERS! GEORDI! GEORDI! MORE POWER TO TRANSPORTERS!! ---Galahadus The BORG cube is AT-TACKING, The SHIP is on the RUN, PI-CARD says to his OFF-i-cers "Sug-GES-tions, ANY-ONE?" ---Coloraturus, flunked cheerleader tryouts in H.S. WHERE'S RIKER? LET'S ASK THE COMPUTER HE'S TOO BUSY WITH SOMEONE CUTER CAPTAIN, CAPTAIN WHAT'LL WE DO? JUST BEAM HIM OVER WHEN HE'S THROUGH! ---Tricius ========================================== THE NIGHT NOVELLUS CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN ========================================== SUPREME BORG EMERITUS IS MY NAME AND I WAS OUT OF THE CUBE AGAIN TIL SO MUCH SCOLDING CAME THAT I FELT LIKE I WAS FRAMED WELL I WAS JUST JOKIN', HAVIN' FUN WHEN A LIBRARIAN HAD ME ON THE RUN SHE GOT BENT AND TOLD THE REST THAT WHEN IT CAME TO LOVE I HAD RUINED THE VERY BEST THE NIGHT I CLOSED THE LIBRARY DOWN AND ALL THE BORGS WERE READIN' THE NIGHT I CLOSED THAT LIBRARY DOWN AND ALL THE BORG WERE SINGIN' THEY WENT, NO, NO NO NO NO NO NO, NO NO NO, NO NO NO NO WELL I HAD TO GO AHEAD AND GIVE OUT AN APOLOGY JUST WHEN IT LOOKED LIKE EVERYONE WAS MAD AT ME BUT I WAS JUST JOKIN', HAVIN' FUN WHEN THAT LIBRARIAN SENT ME ON THE RUN NOW SHE AND ALEXIUS WILL WED AND NEVER AGAIN WILL I MENTION A ROOM OR BED TONIGHT I OPENED THAT LIBRARY AGAIN AND ALL THE BORGS ARE READIN' TONIGHT I OPENED THAT LIBRARY AGAIN AND ALL THE BORGS AREN'T SINGIN' THEY GO, SHHH, SHHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH SHH, SHH SHH SHH, SHH SHH SHH SHH SHHHHHHHHHHHH...... ---Tricius ========================= SHOCKING NEWS ATTENTION ALL BORG UNITS: ========================= IT IS OUR DUTY TO INFORM YOU THAT UNIT Chatsworthus HAD BEEN IDENTIFIED AS AN EVIL PROFESSOR MORIARTY. HE ESCAPED THE AUTHORITIES AND HAS BEEN HIDING HERE, SAFE FROM THE RIGHTFUL PROSECUTION FOR A MULTITUDE OF WAR CRIMES, CRIMINAL MASTERMINDING, JAY WALKING AND BRIEFS FLUSHING. HIS INGENIOUSLY CAMOUFLAGED AND DISGUISED CONTROL CENTER WAS STRATEGICALLY SITUATED IN .........YOU GUESSED IT.....THE FORMER LIBRARY BUILDING!!!!! THE STING OPERATION, WHICH INVOLVED CLOSING OF THE LIBRARY, ENABLED THE INVESTIGATORS TO UNCOVER A VAST ARSENAL OF WEAPONS, AS WELL AS VARIOUS INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS, ACCORDING TO WHICH Chatsworthus AKA Schmaltz (Moriarty's real name) HAS ALREADY SOLD THE BORGDOM TO FERENGI, AND PROVIDED COORDINATES TO VITAL FACILITIES. TO MAKE THIS REPORT EVEN MORE INTERESTING, WE SUBMIT TO YOU THAT THE LEFT WING OF THE LIBRARY WAS USED ENTIRELY FOR THE HIGH CLASS BORGDELLO, WITH MADAM T'Caer PRESIDING OVER A CONSIDERABLE NUMBER OF WORKING GIRLS. IN CONCLUSION OF THIS VERY BRIEF ANNOUNCEMENT, LET IT BE KNOWN THAT AMONG THE MOST FREQUENT PATRONS OF THE SAID ESTABLISHMENT WERE SUCH PROMINENT FIGURES AS: 1. Swannox of Borg 2. Clueless of Borg 3. Olympius of Borg just to name a few. NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE CRIMINAL MIND OF THE EON, PROFESSOR HIMSELF WAS REALLY SEEING OUTSIDE OF IT. HE WAS ** NOT ** READING BOOKS, MIND YOU. ---Semenovich of Borg, future Borg president ================= ALIEN PERSPECTIVE ================= The Wedding of the Rihannsu Praetor and T'Caer ---------------------------------------------- It is low-sun time upon ch'Rihan and amidst the ruckus and roar of the numerous bonfires and celebrations of the Eitreih'hveinn, two lone figures rise up. As the first steps onto the raised platform of the Fvillhaih Palace, the laughter and conversation is sliced cold, like a beheading wound. The silhouette is a man, large and confident, donned with the sharp uniform of one whom battle is no stranger... His cloak sways ever so slightly with the light breeze, and the crowd seems to stare upon the multitudes of medals and commendations emblazoned on the large Fleet uniform. But not the uniform of a military man, or any man for that matter. That man is the Praetor, the only emperor the Rihannsu have had rule since history long lost, and he waits.. He waits to be wed, and bonded forever with the one known to all as T'Caer, the "shining star". In a moment of brilliance, the populace shifts to allow passage by the ranks of troops that hold allegiance to the might of Eisn-Galae, or "Homesun Fleet", the strongest mass of Rihannsu forces in the embittered history of the glorious Rihannsu. These legions carry with them a gift to the worlds of ch'Rihan and ch'Havran, a blessing from the elements, and raise to all the vision of a new era. An era where a Rihanha may live and love and lead with the Rihannsu ancestry of that on Vulcan. The ranks stop, and then secure in choreography, they open apart to reveal a shining figure amongst the darkness. Walking through the shadows of men who've sworn their lives, and the roaring peoples they have fought for, Ael T'Caerwynn rises to the platform and is taken gracefully by hand into the arms of the Praetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam. There both stood for what seemed like an eternity, free from the rantings of the other "empires", and within the company of friends they shared a kiss... It took a full twenty siuren of shared laughter and pleas to calm the crowd down to a reasonable level. One where the Praetor and his one to be would say their words of joining. Then, and only then, as it has been done throughout time, will it be done, and the true merriment begin. "My loyal Rihanha, and all those that have come as honored guests..." It rang out across the swarming crowds of hundreds of thousands as a roar of power, yet spoken with the calm voice of a smitten man. "As you know, I have come to know the one T'Caerwynn with a passion unrivaled in the pages of our ancestry, those of Vulcan, AND Rihannsu alike. She came to me at first asking for the reluctant help of what was then known as the enemy." "..Us.." He left that word held, eyeing the crowd... "But this can be said no longer, as we have come to know each other very well indeed, and as I stand, I trust her with every ounce of life in my body and spirit, and she has proven that to be a good measure indeed, as she has spent herself on many occasions keeping my life safe, as I have hers.. And now I come to you. To accept this shining star into our midst. Not as the consort of the Praetor, but as the bright and burning hope that all Rihannsu aspire for. With this bonding we may yet end the damage wrought by the swing of S'Harien, the blade that cut Vulcan in two. Only now, do both our races respect each other for the success of varying cultures. And as I stand as your leader, I shall not stand alone, for she shall be at my side, equaled, and sharing the responsibility of rising the Rihannsu thought the new age. With this, I say, let the S'Hariens cross!! And two loves be joined!!!...." ---Praetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam A voice from the crowd accused "Assassin". T'Caerwynn stepped forward, and in her hands she held a naked sword. She looked out, her face as unmoving as her Vulcan heritage could provide. Her eyes narrowed slightly and she addressed the crowd.... "An assassin indeed, and a dangerous one at that...to any who would threaten the new peace and stability that is offered to the Rihanna in this bonding. For I shall always stand by My Lord. Even as the Sword I wield is S'Harien, so I shall be to him, ever his S'Harien, ready to cut out all that is evil in this Empire....as Excalibur of old, I shall bring peace and prosperity to the dream that shall be reality. Only by forging forward shall we heal the wounds of the past and become whole and strong once more." She placed her sword upon the floor in front of her and turned once more to the Praetor...and knelt before him.... "My Lord, My Beloved, if you will have me, I am yours." Her words carried to the far corners of the market...and all awaited breathlessly for the Praetor's reply... --T'Caer ============ ASK NOVELLUS ============ FELLOW UNITS OF THE COLLECTIVE: OVER THE LAST SEVERAL DAYS IT HAS COME TO MY PERSONAL ATTENTION THAT THE MAJORITY OF THE UNITS IN THE COLLECTIVE ARE NEWLY ASSIMILATED AND ARE UNAWARE OF THIS UNIT'S PURPOSE AND ORIGIN. ULTIMATELY, THIS UNIT'S PRIMARY FUNCTION IS TO SERVE THE COLLECTIVE AT A HIGH ADVISORY LEVEL, TO COME TO THE COLLECTIVE'S DEFENSE AND TO BE THE REPOSITORY OF ULTIMATE KNOWLEDGE. THIS UNIT HAS CREATED THIS SUBJECT TO INTERACT WITH THE COLLECTIVE ON A PERSONAL LEVEL, AND TO ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS PROPOSED TO IT. BEFORE THIS UNIT CAN INTERACT WITH THE COLLECTIVE IT MUST CLARIFY SEVERAL THINGS: MY ORIGIN, THE ACCUSATIONS OF CALLOUS AND RUDE BEHAVIOR, AND MY SUPPORT OF THE SEMENOVICH CANDIDATE. 1) THIS UNIT IS THE FOUNDER OF THE BORG COLLECTIVE ON THE PRODIGY SYSTEM. MANY ASPECTS OF THE CULTURE IN WHICH YOU INTERACT INEVITABLY FALL TO THIS UNIT AND SUPREME BORG OXNARDUS. AS WE HAVE ASSIMILATED MANY UNITS OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS, MANY ARE UNAWARE OF THE POWER HIERARCHY WHICH EXISTS AND ARE UNFAMILIAR WITH BORG PROTOCOL. THE RULES OF PROTOCOL, WHICH WERE PUBLISHED IN RIF #1, WILL BE RE-POSTED IN ORDER TO ENLIGHTEN THE NEWLY ASSIMILATED UNITS. 2) THIS UNIT HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF CALLOUS, RUDE, AND UNKIND BEHAVIOR. AS TO BE EXPECTED OF ANY UNIT IN THE PUBLIC EYE, IT IS ALWAYS UNDER CONSTANT SCRUTINY AND HAS TO MEET VERY HIGH EXPECTATIONS IN ORDER TO REMAIN POPULAR. WHEN THIS UNIT MAKES A GAFFE, IT IS USUALLY VERY QUICK TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT'S MISTAKE. THIS UNIT HAS WITHOUT HESITATION TAKEN ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THE POSTINGS MADE UNDER ITS USER-ID, BUT IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ACTUALLY POSTING THE OFFENSIVE MATERIAL IN QUESTION. THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE, WHO IN REAL LIFE IS THE EMERITUS'S FIANCEE, HAS BEEN REPRIMANDED AND PUNISHED TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE AND WILL NOT HAVE ACCESS TO HIS ACCOUNT EVER AGAIN. THIS UNIT HOPES THAT ITS CAREER OF SERVICE, DEFENSE, AND SUPPORT OF THE COLLECTIVE WILL SPEAK FOR ITSELF AND ALL FURTHER ACCUSATIONS WILL BE PUT TO REST. 3) THIS UNIT HAS DECIDED TO SUPPORT THE SEMENOVICH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE BECAUSE IT FEELS THAT HE POSSESSES BORG TRADITIONAL VALUES AND THE ESSENTIAL RIGHT-WING CONSERVATIVE QUALITIES FOR PROPER ASSIMILATION OF THE UNITED STATES. MAY IT BE KNOWN THAT THIS UNIT HATES POLITICS OF ALL SORTS, BUT IF IT HAS TO MAKE A CHOICE IT HAS TO BE THE ONE WHO WILL STAND BY THE COLLECTIVE AND REMAIN LOYAL TO THE COMMAND HIERARCHY. IN ADDITION THIS UNIT FEELS THAT HE MUST SUPPORT THE UNDERDOG, REGARDLESS OF HIS RESPECTIVE POPULARITY TO THE SWANNOX CANDIDATE. THIS POSITION INEVITABLY WILL CHANGE, AS NOW THE RIALTUS UNIT, THE SULTAN OF "YUB YUB" HAS JOINED FORCES WITH HIM. THIS UNIT HAS NO ANIMUS WITH THE SWANNOX UNIT, AND HAS BEEN ENTERTAINED BY MANY OF HIS POSTINGS. IT SHOULD ALSO BE MAINTAINED THAT THERE ALWAYS HAS TO BE A SECOND CANDIDATE, FOR DEMOCRATIC ELECTIONS CAN ONLY BE HELD WITH MORE THAN ONE CANDIDATE ON THE BALLOT. THE EMERITUS HAS SPOKEN. HE AWAITS YOUR DIALOGUE. ---NOVELLUS, SUPREME BORG EMERITUS MENTOR OF THE COLLECTIVE AND ALL-POWERFUL =================== NAKED CAME THE BORG =================== We have witnessed a borg birth. Our own LamBORGini is part BORG and part Ferengi. After consulting the BORG Board, an astrologer, and many other sources we decided to call him/her/it LamBORGini. While not pure BORG, I'm told the birth was typical. There was nothing externally mounted which would make the birth hurt the mother any more than a TERRAN child would during birth. Just so long as it is born hood first. If it is breech or is born tailpipe first, there would be problems. The independent rear suspension is the major culprit. It tends to turn the rear wheels sideways during birth. BORG ob/gyn doctor also has to make sure radio is turned off during birth so that antenna does become fully extended. In fact, turning on radio during pregnancy has been known to cause misCARriage. On the other hand, having electric windows open during pregnancy helps give them a "new car smell" especially if mother has a steady diet of beans and soda. Children are slapped sharply on their impact-bumpers at birth primarily to activate air pollution control devices. Batteries come only partially charged at birth as there is no umbilical cord attached to the mother and they need to feed using the battery. BORG do come with genetic defects at birth and are often referred to as lemons. These defects are corrected at the factory nursery by what is know as a recall. Some units experience either spontaneous recall or total recall during pregnancy. Terrans call this abortion. ---Borgus Barney ============ ASK OXNARDUS ============ Oxnardus, I am confused. Locutus hasn't called me since that cube blew up in the terran system. Should I get a new borgfriend, or keep my faith? He was a real cutie. ---Hartius of Borg, feeling blue Hartius, Hate to break it to you, but Locutus left a lot of borgettes thinking he was a cutie. I'm afraid he's worse than blasto, he's re-joined the Federation and has become a rather stodgy, dull, paper pusher. We have heard that he's so dull that he makes 20 minutes seem like 40 years! Forget him and check out the new and improved Borg. We are assimilating new life and new civilizations at a magnificent rate. ---Oxy Oxnardus, This unit has never addressed you directly, and this unit does not spend a lot of time in the Cube, as he is passing himself off as an insect to assimilate Dobosh Tortes. This unit wishes to know if Oxnardus is the holder of the Big Book of Borg still, as this unit still needs to register. This unit also desires to know how many pepperoni pizzas one can consume before terminal cholesterol overload sets in. This unit has consumed many such pizzas, and is starting to have worry circuits kick in.......... ---Jolan Trumus, BUGBORG BugBorg, You are in the Big Book of Borg as a non-registered Borg with the appellation of "Anacapus". You must e-mail me your address to receive RIF #3 -- and do it fast because the mailing is imminent. As to your maximum pizza intake question, have no fear, your implants produce a biogenetic endorphin which enables Borg to consume the four main food groups (fast, junk, frozen, and instant) at a constant rate and never have to worry about heart, liver, stomach or teeth problems. That is perhaps the best reason to assimilate. Only the Borgs have this technology and it is a guarded trade secret protected by all the known legal systems in this galaxy. We have a patent pending in Andromeda (just so whoever is reading this doesn't get any ideas about marketing it in Andromeda). It is doubtful the Federation will have this technology within three centuries. ---Oxy Oxnardus, What is the best way to cope with a spouse who doesn't understand the Borg Boards? Would the solution be considered justifiable homicide in most courts? ---Rubberus Checkus - found you by accident R.B., Believe it or not, the "Spouse" problem is quite prevalent for Borg club members. Most humor the spouse and act like they are cutting down their time on the boards, but actually are just on the boards when the spouse is at work, in bed, grocery shopping, on an errand, etc. We tried to solve the problem ourselves by resigning the cahunahood and becoming a private Borg. However, the spousal unit, after viewing specific postings, decided to support our return to Cahunahood in fears that some Borg Club members would assimilate him if he did not do so. This Borg Club/Star Trek Board can be quite the time consumer and intoxicant, no? We knew of one unit who was so "attached" to his computer, that the spousal unit gave him an ultimatum: either the computer goes or she goes. Luckily, he did get rid of the computer (it may be old fashion, but we still like it when actual relationships win out over solitary ones). ---Oxy ============== ADVERTISEMENTS ============== "STUCK IN YOUR CUBE? CAN'T GET THAT LITTLE ESCAPE HATCH TO OPEN? WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T HAVE THE NEW BORG EXTRACTOR! YES, THIS HANDY DEVICE CAN GET ANY BORG OUT OF ANY TIGHT SPACE OR SITUATION. ORDER TODAY AND RECEIVE THE ACCOMPANYING BORG SALVE FOR THOSE NASTY CUTS SUFFERED WHILE TRYING TO OPEN THE SHRINK WRAPPED PACKAGE THE EXTRACTOR COMES IN." "I USE THE BORG EXTRACTOR ALL THE TIME," SAYS SWANNOX WHO GETS INTO MORE TIGHT SITUATIONS THAT HE'D CARE TO MENTION. QUANTITIES ARE LIMITED SO HURRY! ---Marianus of RONCO ATTN ALL UNEMPLOYED BORG! The Spam Shoppe is now looking to hire some fine, upstanding citizens who are looking to make a fast buck! If YOU are interested, reply here! ==='Honest' |_as |_arius Spam Shoppe owner FINE PRINT! Job applicants will be paid minimum wage, no 'fringe benefits'. Job applicants will also be regarded as major suckers throughout the collective, and will probably be stuck working for me for the rest of their natural lives. ---Las Larius "FOOT REMOVAL" A new service is now being offered by CRK Enterprises. For a price that is so low, we are ashamed to print it, we will surgically remove your foot from your mouth. But wait,there's more! If you feel you really need the taste of smelly socks in your mouth, we will install a taste implant right to the roof of your mouth. Now, How much would you pay for this exclusive service? 5995 pizzas? 4995 pizzas? A bargain at 3995 pizzas! But no! Due to the fact we have had no business, we will offer this service for only 495 pizzas! Order now! To order, have your Vista or MasterBorg ready and call 1-555-FOOT-OUT that's 1-555-FOOT-OUT one more time the number is 1-555-FOOT-OUT 1-555-FOOT-OUT. ---Rialtus "AMG FAN CLUB" Join the AMG International Fan Club! Welcome aboard! The Club Motto is: "Hope This Helps!". Membership kits are federal expressed and the dues are $50 a month. AMG needs the money, unemployment ran out you know (don't tell AMG, he's sensitive about that). Not much in the way of "Reader [no writing ability necessary] $4.50/hr" in the want ads these days). Send your check directly to him at: Antonio Mikliovich Giambattista 1 Bumsville, Garbage State 000001 Don't worry, the Post Office knows where he lives, he's there only one who lives there (besides his long-suffering mother), but slip a fiver to the Postman so he'll go out there (don't worry about including a clothespin, that's standard-issue for postmen on his route). I would also like to cordially invite you to our annual meeting on April 1st in Garden City, NJ where we celebrate his birthday! Don't worry, he won't attend! He never leaves his house, now that he has *P* and no friends. Hope to see you there! Again, please join! No Longer lonely---SEH [SCOTT HARRIGAN] ============================= TRUE LIFE DOCTOR PEPPER TALES ============================= WE WERE DRIVING AROUND DOING LAWYER TYPE STUFF AND WE DID NOT HAVE THE TIME EITHER TO EAT BREAKFAST OR LUNCH. IT WAS GETTING LATE AND WE WERE GETTING TESTY. THE ONLY ACCESSIBLE EATING ESTABLISHMENT WAS A TACO BELL. ALTHOUGH IT PAINED US TO BE IN CALIFORNIA AND FIND OURSELVES AT THE CLUTCHES OF A TACO BELL, WE NEVERTHELESS WERE HUNGRY ENOUGH TO DRIVE-THRU. WARNING, THE MEXI-MELT SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. REPEAT, AVOID THE MEXI-MELTS. HOWEVER, SOFT TACOS ARE PERFUNCTORY AND VERY INEXPENSIVE. [CUT TO TACO BELL EMPLOYEE] I COULD TELL THAT THIS WOMAN IN A SUIT WAS HUNGRY. SO WHEN SHE ORDERED TWO SOFT TACOS AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANYTHING RESEMBLING A QUESADILLA, I TOLD HER TO TRY OUR MARVELOUS MEXI-MELT. AFTER SHE SAID, "SURE, GO AHEAD, THROW IN A MEXI-MELT," WE THEN ASKED HER, "WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?" [RETURN TO US] IT SEEMS SILLY IN RETROSPECT, BUT WE WEREN'T THINKING OF A DRINK AT THAT TIME AND IT CAUGHT US OFF GUARD. WE QUICKLY LOOKED AT THE DRIVE-THRU MENU AND REVIEWED THE DRINKS. THERE IT WAS FOR ALL THE WORLD TO SEE. WE THOUGHT WE HAD DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN. [RETURN TO TACO BELL EMPLOYEE] WHEN SHE ORDERED A LARGE DR. PEPPER NO ICE, I KNEW THAT THIS WAS A STRESSED OUT WOMAN. I CHEERFULLY REPEATED HER ORDER FOR VERIFICATION AND THE COST OF THE ITEMS. SHE DROVE AROUND AND WAS VERY POLITE WHEN SHE PAID AND PICKED UP THE ORDER. IT CAME TO $4.04. SHE EVEN HAD THE FOUR CENTS! [BACK TO US] LET US TELL YOU, WHEN WE STUCK THAT STRAW INTO THAT ICE-COLD NON-WATERED DOWN DR. PEPPER AND TOOK THAT LONG FIRST DRAW, WE WERE IN NIRVANA. NO WHERE IN OUR MEMORY BANKS CAN WE ACCESS A COLA MOMENT LIKE THAT. SUDDENLY ALL OUR CARES AND CONCERNS NO LONGER EXISTED, JUST US AND THE DOCTOR. EVEN THE MEXI-MELT DIDN'T SEEM THAT DISGUSTING. CALL IT FATE, CALL IT COINCIDENCE. WE PREFER TO CALL IT JUST ANOTHER REAL LIFE DR. PEPPER TALE. ---Oxnardus ======================================== TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE BORG LIKE PIZZA ======================================== 10. Grease enhances joint mobility 9. A slice of pepperoni, a beer, and motor oil...hmmmm, what a combo! 8. Domino's delivers to nearby solar systems for free 7. Leftover dried out crusts can be used as weapons of destruction. 6. Screaming, "Anchovies are irrelevant!" always gets big laugh at parties 5. One word: scrumpdiddleyishous!!! 4. Easy to scarf down a slice in one hand, fly cube and lay waste to entire planets with the other 3. The Big Cahuna pays thousands of units high wages just to pick off the olives 2. A topping alternative solves big problem over what to do with those pesky Ferengi 1. It's better than broccoli ---Clueless PSPH17A ============== BORG BILLIARDS ============== WE ARE HAPPY TO PERFORM ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE FOR THE BORG COLLECTIVE, AND, KEEPING WITH THE CURRENT TREND, WE ANNOUNCE O-------------O------------O | o BORG o o | G R A N D | o o | O P E N I N G | o BILLIARDS o q ================== O-------------O------------0 ALL ARE INVITED. FIRST GAME IS ON THE HOUSE. FEATURING: 8 BALL, 9 BALL, STRAIGHT UP TO 1000,0000 POINTS, CARAMBOL, SNOOKER, 17 BALL BORG, AND OTHER COMPETITIONS. POSITIONS AVAILABLE: [1] BARTENDER; [2] BACK-UP BARTENDER (3); [3] Q KEEPER; [4] BALLS SHINER (634); [5] CHALK DUSTER (possibly taken); [6] CHEF; [7] WAITER/TRESS (2); [8] CASHIER; [9] BOUNCER (2); [10] POOL SHARKS (2) OTHER OPENINGS MAY BE ANNOUNCED LATER. HOUSE RULES: 1. SWEAR FILTHY 2. GAMBLE COMPULSIVELY 3. DESTROY PROPERTY WHEN POSSIBLE 4. BATHROOM IS OUTSIDE 5. PRAY TO SUPREME MENTOR Novellus PRIOR TO EACH SHOT OTHER RULES WILL BE FORMULATED AS WE GO. 8 BALL IN THE LEFT CORNER. ---Semenovich ================== BORG LATIN LESSONS ================== "HE EST MORTO, JIMBO!" / "EO EST A MERRY HOMUNIS NICHT" "IN PEPSI VERITAS" / "EL PLURUBUM MULTUM" "VINI, VIDI, VICHI, PIZZA" / "E TU, BRUTUS? SI, E ME, POPEY" "RESISTENZIONE EST FUTILETATO, RAGAZZI" Semenovich of Borg ---Semenovich Semenovitch, Allow us to correct your Latin for you. Est Mortus, Iimus En Pepsius veritas Veni, vidi, vicci, pizzam Ne sum festivus hominum Multus Pluribus Et tu Brute? (can't figure out the rest of what you meant to say...) Resistere futile est. ---Lucretia Borgia ======================================= TRANSCRIPT OF LUCRETIA/ALEXIUS MARRIAGE ======================================= Ahem..... AHEM!!!!!!!! ATTENTION ALL UNITS!!!!! Oops.... This is a wedding, not a Court procedure..... Please be so kind as to place your posteriors in the carefully designed folding metal chairs, which you will notice are just a LITTLE too small for your rears, and rather hot from being out in the sun for 6-8 hours before the ceremony. Now that you are comfortable (?), we can begin. [Whoever dreamed up this "garden wedding" stuff.... This robe is also very hot, and our legs are chafing and.... Oh well, it comes with the territory, we guess] We hope you have enjoyed the little finger sandwiches, made only from the finest Ferengi fingers, and the pate' of Ferengi liver, as the Ferengi did NOT want to hold still during all of the preparation time. Now, if Big Borg and his Band of Renown will stop blaring out all of that Leadbelly stuff, which should be played SOFTLY and SLOWLY, NOT as if Wagner and Sousa were competing with each other..... Thank you.... [Sheeeshhh. Where'd she get THIS band anyway??] The Processional begins, to the gentle, dignified, strains of L'Shaina Tovah. [Bet they did not know that Lucretia wanted a Jewish wedding, huh???] When the Judge is Jewish, you get a Jewish wedding, folks. Just wait until Alexius steps on the glass!!!!] The photographer has managed to infuriate everyborg already with his maneuver to get a better position for pic- taking, the caterer forgot that hot weather and mayonnaise do not mix well, the band has just been... restrained.... the florist mixed up the orders, and we did NOT think that a wreath was acceptable for a wedding! Anyhow, we now see the beautiful Monsta tripping down the aisle, throwing flower petals at everyborg. We literally mean "tripping" and "throwing". Some borg are even throwing the petals back at her cranial region! Isn't she sweet in her black leather flower girl attire, with highly polished magnesium buttons? Just don't light any matches... Next come the Madeborgs of Dishonor; It seems that T'Caer might have had something to do with this, as we cannot picture Lucretia having friends like this bunch..... Their leathers are torn, and the mades [yes, we spelled it the way we wanted] are tattooed with such beautiful sentiments as "eat my expletive deleted posterior, and your expletive deleted female parental unit wears Gucci combat boots" Whoa, boy...At least, they DID holster their super squirt guns, which Chaotus was seen loading prior to the ceremony..... Okay, now that the Mades have passed by, and everyborg has come back up from hiding under their seats, we now see the Matron of Honor; at least THIS one, T'Caer did NOT get to.... She looks SO dignified in her black leather MINI..... Ladyborg and Gentleborg - She's CLUELESS!!!!!! Forgive our... excitement, but seeing Clueless in that mini is a little too much for this reporter unit.... We HAVE to sit for a moment, as our cranial and cardiac and respiratory and neural net are restored to working order............ [geez - look at the LEGS on that unit!!!!!!] Time passes while Chats and the reporter recover......Now, coming into the garden, we see the best man, Teaborg. Tea looks radiant in his Tails. [We think he's that radiant because he has a new office, as well as the fact that a 6'7" Borg weighing 230# of solid muscle can look anyway he wants, and we will STILL say he looks great] Teaborg comes down the aisle, giving out business cards.... They say "free spellink less sons aft her thee wed dink. Come [no, we would NOT spell it the other way] two thee off ice near thee air port inn LALA land too day. Tea Borg, Tacks mann". Teaborg has now reached the chupa (the canopy under which the wedding party, in particular Lucretia and Alexius) stand. He smiles, as the chupa provides a modicum of shade on this beastly hot day...We realize that the groom was supposed to have been here already, but we were NOT able to get to the rehearsals yesterday.... Now the groom is seen. He looks absolutely petrified, a common reaction among men who realize that they are about to make the mistake of a life...... we mean, ahem, of course.... He is wearing his Tails AND a Tux!!!! Alexius, you LOOK great, but you must be hot as H..... Wonder who HIS tailor is????? The boutoneire (never COULD spell that word) is pink, to match the BridesmaDEs' gowns, and very tasteful. As a matter of fact, it is SO tasteful that Alexius now EATS it from his lapel!!!!! Bad form, Alexius, but we realize that in the flutter of preparation over the bride, the groom and his appetite are often not the first priority.... It's OK, Alexius..... Alexius is being escorted by his parental units, Barney of LamBORGhini and Tricius of Betazed. [Escorted is not quite the correct word..... DRAGGED is a more accurate one] Alexius looks like he had a..... very enjoyable.... bachelor party last night. We, Chatsworthus, of course, did not attend as it is beneath our dignity. Also, we were NOT invited!!!!!!] Barney and Tricius look very well too, considering the effort it must have taken to get Alexius down the aisle!!! Now Alexius assumes the position.... we mean... takes his place before the table under the chupa, and turns around to face the rear of the garden. We hear the beautiful, haunting strains of L'Shaina Tovah (loosely translated as "The beautiful and good") being played at 140 DB..... WILL SOMEBORG TURN DOWN THE BAND!!!!!!!!! ..... being played tastefully and quietly at 40 DB.... and we all turn around to see....... LUCRETIA!!!!!!!!!! Gasps of admiration from the assembled Borg, Vulcans, Klingons, Romulans, Q, Politicians, Hangers-on, Toadies, Bashers, Visiting Florists from Omicron Ceti III, and papparazi...Lucretia is absolutely RADIANT!!!!!!! She seems to shimmer in the sunlight... she glows.... OKAY!!!!!! LIGHTING CREW!!! TURN OFF THE D*MN 12K's!!!! IT'S HOT ENOUGH HERE!!!!!!!! Now Lucretia breathes a gentle sigh of relief, as the temperature comes back down to 112 F. Her gown is exquisite, as befits our lovely Librarian. We will leave the EXACT description to Sheltius, who is FAR better qualified to describe it than we are, but it is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!! With all of its beauty, however, it is nothing compared to the glow seen in Lucretia's eye implants!!!! We have NEVER seen her THIS happy in her life!!!!!!!! This unit is becoming overwhelmed with emotion...... we always shed tears at weddings, especially when we first gaze upon the bride... we have NEVER seen a bride this lovely....... Sheltius unit, please take over the description here, as we have to regain our Judicial composure...... Lucretia arrives under the chupa, and the electricity between Alexius and Lucretia is magnificent to behold. Even through the veil, we see how she is beaming!!!! ---Chats, temporarily speechless. Emphasis on temporarily... Lucretia's gown is a silken confection of pearls, diamonds and other precious jewels. In fact if Juliet could have had a gown and a proper wedding she would have chosen this very gown. The bodice is fitted but flares at the waist. the skirt of the dress with its many layers of silk taffeta glimmers with the embroidered hem of lace and jewels. MY! We hope Lucretia takes care of this rare and wonderful garment. We hope she will let us wear it one day to our nuptials. And we too have never seen our Librarian so beautiful! The flowers that wreath her auburn tresses and the veil that trails down her back are lovely indeed. ---Sheltius, wiping eyes Everything at the wedding looks spectacular! And Lucretia is radiant. Trixanna can sense awe-struck wonder emitting from the crowd. Alexius looks so handsome and makes her proud of the day she asked him to come check out the party lovin' Borg. Yes, the day she shared the smart cookies. As the couple begin to exchange their vows, the music and the splendor of the evening bring a lonely tear to her eyes. She is overwhelmed by the beauty and the feeling of love that glows around the happy couple. "Ah, if only I would settle down long enough to search for love of my own," she thought. "but the path I've so far chosen is a lonely one." Gathering up her long dress, she blows an unseen kiss to Alexius, and quietly leaves the ceremony. In the shadows, a figure awaits her. She surrenders herself to him, her eyes gazing not at this horrid creature but at the safe ground. And as he roughly takes her arm, they beam away into the silence of space... ---Trixanna Toy aka Tricius Chatsworthus has recovered his composure, and we are now ready to continue.... Some units have turned off the electricity which was flowing between Alexius and Lucretia, so that they have now stopped quivering. Who WAS that masked unit, anyway? Chatsworthus speaks to the couple standing before him, and says.... We are gathered here together, in the sight of these witnesses and whichever Supreme Being you choose to believe in or not, to marry unit Alexius and unit Lucretia in holy Borg trimony. These units approach this wonderful moment of their lives with the full intention that this will be a union that will last forever. They promise to forsake all others, and to live together in peace and harmony until rust do them part. This is a truly momentous occasion, as these two units........ WHAT'S ALL THAT RACKET???????? WHO IS THAT AT THE BACK OF THE GARDEN?????? NOVELLUS!!!!!!! What is going on here??? Novellus stomps his way down to the chupa, saying "I [he alone can use the personal pronoun] AM THE DAD OF LUCRETIA!!!! BORGUS BARNEY, GO SIT DOWN!!!!! JUST BECAUSE I AM LATE TO MY OWN DAUGHTER'S WEDDING DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN REPLACE ME!!!! DO YOU UNITS KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH TO GET OUT OF NYC DURING RUSH HOUR????? Novellus looks like H*ll, as we units who have managed to survive rush hour traffic can understand.... Barney sits, but looks very, very, hurt. Three female Borg units.... comfort him... and he starts to smile..... Novellus now takes HIS place alongside the couple and we continue... ahem.... yes.... forsake all others.. no, we said that... yes... these two units will become as one in the eye implants of all, now and forever. Alexius and Lucretia have written their own wedding vows. First, though, Alexius is asked: Do you, Alexius of Borg, take Lucretia of Borg, as your lawfully wedded spousal unit, to love her, honor her, worship her upon a pedestal, provide for her to the absolute best of your ability, until rust do you part? We eagerly await Alexius' answer....... ---Chats. We, Alexius of Borg and Borg Master of time, do hereby take Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian as our lawfully wedded spousal unit. We pledge to her our undying love and devotion. For her, we forsake all others and devote our life to making her happy and protecting her from all harm, sadness and trouble. We would give our life (circuitry and all parts!) for her without hesitation. Darling, you are the love of our life. Before we met you, we were lost and alone in Borg Space. We bless the day we met and are forever grateful that you have chosen to become our most beloved spousal unit. We will never betray your trust in us and will ever strive to make you proud of us. We pledge all of our worldly goods (including all pizza, colas, and dove bars you can possibly eat) to your support and well being. We promise to love you above all others, to honor you in sickness and in health. WE LOVE YOU, DEAR LITTLE ONE AND ALWAYS WILL. Alexius gazes with rapture upon his beautiful Lucretia ---Alexius Alexius, we guess we will take these beautiful vows as meaning "Affirmative", and compliment you on the excellent grammar, punctuation, spelling, and just plain great sentiment expressed!!!! Beautiful job, Alexius unit - If you are half as good a Husborg as you are a writer, Lucretia is every bit as lucky as we thought!!!! We now turn to the lovely Lucretia, and ask her, "Do you, Lucretia of Borg, take the unit Alexius, to be your lawful wedded Husborg, to love and cherish, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, until rust do you part???? [an aside - what ever happened to the word "obey" here?] Oh well, we have to move with the tides (or the tidal waves) of change..... We await eagerly, Lucretia's answer and vows..... ---Chats. Lucretia stares at her feet, her face flushed and her hands trembling for a moment. There is a disturbance at the back of the assembled crowd and then T'Caer, in the custody of her mate, Praetor Rav'Ransackum, and of Dons, the Jokemeister, steps into view. She is dressed in the original maid of honor dress, and she looks impassive as she steps up to the bridal canopy and none to gently nudges Clueless back with the other attendants. She leans forward and whispers something to Lucretia, whose smile becomes radiant again. Lucretia hands T'Caer her bouquet, takes a deep breath and reaches for Alexius' hands. "We, Lucretia Borgia, do take Alexius of Borg to be our spousal unit....we have grown to love this unit very much and we want all assembled here to know that we pledge our life, our soul and our body to this gentle, loving, caring unit, entrusting him with all that we have and all that we are, until we are parted by death. We honor this unit and respect him, he is our friend, our helper and our most beloved choice for mate. Before we met Alexius, we were a quiet unit, studious and meek, unsure of ourselves and all that we could be. Since we have met Alexius, we have found our courage and have learned to begin to stand up for what we believe in. On this day we marry our friend, the one we live with, laugh with and love. Through all time, in all places and in all ways, we shall remain faithful to this unit, strive always to place your needs equal to ours and to be there in times of need. We Love you Alexius. Suddenly shy again, the bride turns her head to Chatsworthus and awaits his continuation of the ceremony. ---Lucretia We are very happy that you accept the unit Alexius, and your self-written vows were truly lovely!! We guess that it's time for the next question, which we are required by Borg law to ask.... Is there anyborg present who feels that there is any reason whatever that units Alexius and Lucretia should not be joined now and forever in holy Borgtrimony? If so, let him or her KEEP HIS OR HER LABIAL IMPLANTS CLOSED, NOW AND FOREVER!!!! We don't want any of that cr*p around here!!!! GOT IT???? Have we made ourselves quite clear????? Good.... Now, we proceed....The ring is a perfect circle, symbolizing many things; the perfection of a relationship, the circle of life, and the need to return to where you have come from, to realize just how far you have travelled in life. Alexius and Lucretia have chosen to have a double ring ceremony. First, we will ask Alexius to place the ring on Lucretia's finger and repeat - Lucretia, my beloved bride, we will love you for as long as we are able to draw breath. We will have no other units besides yourself. We will support you in the best possible manner that we are capable of providing. We ask that you accept this symbol of our undying (until rust, that is) love for you................................................ ............................................................ Lucretia places the ring upon her finger implant, and a tear of joy falls upon it, which the papparazi photographer manages to catch for posterity..............Chats now turns to Lucretia, and says...Lucretia, please repeat after us: Alexius, dear unit, we place this ring upon your digital implant and say that we will love you as long as we are able to draw breath. We will have no other units besides yourself. We will do our best to contribute to our mutual support and well-being. We ask that you accept this ring as a symbol of our undying (until rust, that is) love for you...... Lucretia places the ring upon the finger of Alexius unit, and the smile from Alexius absolutely lights up the entire room!!!!!! These are two HAPPY Borg!!!!!! Chatsworthus gives the happy couple a moment to gaze upon each other's splendor, and then speaks, for a change..... Unit Alexius, and Unit Lucretia, you have both stated your vows to each other and to this company, as witnesses thereof and heretofore and other legal gobbledegook type stuff. Ahem ... We will now taste the wine, which symbolizes, to some extent the bittersweet portions of marriage. The appropriate brucha (blessing) is said, and Alexius and Lucretia sip from the Kiddush Cup. SIP, NOT GUZZLE!!!! Geez, some Borg.... AHEM!!!! Okay, now comes perhaps the most symbolic portion of the entire ceremony.... Alexius will now step on the glass, which symbolizes the sacrilege and destruction of the Temple, so long ago. We must never forget this sacrilege, nor let it happen again.... Chats places the glass on the floor, and unit Alexius raises his size 34 pedal implant about 14 inches in the air. He lowers it rapidly, shattering the glass to smithereens. At this moment, the entire assemblage of Borg, Q, Vulcans, Romulans, Master and Beast, and all other units from all over the galaxy, jump to their own equivalent of feet, and shout for all to hear...... MAZEL TOV!!!!!!!!!!!! (good luck) Wild applause breaks out, congratulations, etc etc blah blah ---Chats The ceremony concluded, Alexius and the lovely Lucretia turn to face the audience. Cameras flash from all over the hall. Chatsworthus has only one more duty to perform. He steps between Alexius and Lucretia and says to the assembled congregation: Ladyborgs and Gentleborgs and all other units; it is our distinct pleasure to present, for the first time, MR AND MRS ALEXIUS OF BORG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The crowd applauds wildly, using hands, feet, other appendages, chairs, tables, confetti, one hand clapping, trees falling in the forest, etc etc. The happy couple is about to step down from the Chupah, but Chats gently and firmly reminds Alexius that the fee for performing the ceremony is now due and payable in full, in pizza from Geno's of Chicago and also from J & B's of Austin Street, Forest Hills, NY. Alexius, for some unknown reason, does not have the pizzas on his person.......Chatsworthus calls upon his collection agent, T'Caer... EOT! --Chatsworthus T'Caer leans over and whispers something to Alexius, who pales visibly and nods affirmatively. She then turns to Chats and whispers to him. Strangely he also pales visibly and nods his head. Both gentleman seem to have reached an understanding. ---T'Caer The guests stream into the tent area where the reception has been set up. The band plays and many take to the dance floor. Everywhere you look there are exotic flowers, lush tropical plants and tiny white lights strung from the ceiling. The tables are set with the finest crystal and china imported from the planet earth. Candles and flowers adorn the center of each table. Many guests laden with wedding gifts are directed to the gift table to deposit their treasures. Hors d'oeuvres and champagne are served by the waiters. Everyone awaits with mounting excitement for the bridal party to arrive. IS it them???????????????? Everyone turns to the entrance to the tent expectantly....... ---Sheltius ============== EDITOR NOTICES ============== The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from you as well. ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS. ============================ BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE ============================ Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one time too many? Just mail a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business sized envelope indicating which issue you'd like to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be replaced. At this time, the issues available are numbers 1 (May 1992) through 13 (October 1993). ============ CONTRIBUTORS ============ Alexius Borgus Barney TFSV34A BUGBORG HNXB80A Chatsworthus of Borg BFSF75A Clueless of Borg PSPH17A Coloraturus Galahadus Hartius of Borg XCPB76A Las Larius VTKR18D Lucretia Borgia Marianus NRCR88A MONTANUS TPVH97A Novellus GMDH77A Oxnardus GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @42:1005/1201; RIF BBS: Oxnardus; RIPCITY: Oxnardus; RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 XPraetor Rav'Ransackum Ta'iilam Rialtus VCBD90A RUBBERUS CHECKUS BVBP84A SCOTT HARRIGAN JMCH13A Semenovich HVBW68C Sheltius Swannox HCMH17F T'Caer Tricius WJPM68D RESISTANCE IS FUTILE Reprint Issue for Downloading [The following newsletter is a special reprint created specially for distribution over BBS systems. RIF is the newsletter of the "Borg Club", an organization originally only located on the Prodigy Network Service from February 1992 to April 1993. It expanded into the GEnie Network in May 1993, the NVN Network in June 1993, and into various other BBSes and networks from July 1993. WARNING: The first seven issues of RIF were assumed to be read by Prodigy members. All IDs are Prodigy IDs. Many of the references are made to Prodigy idiosyncracies.]