_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 11 August 1993 RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. ======== CONTENTS ======== FROM THE EDITORS YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED POETRY CORNER: Borgs SLUG TREK 72: THE UNDISCOVERED PLOTLINE: Part 2 ADVERTISEMENT: Hyper Beer BORG LIBRARY LISTS: TOP TEN LIST --CHILDREN'S BOOKS STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION: WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO Part 1 of 6 BORG COMICOGRAPHY: Nothing new! CONVENTION NOTICES: Fandcon 1 EDITOR NOTICES COPYRIGHT NOTICES BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE ================ FROM THE EDITORS ================ RIF has changed it's release date to the first of the month. Therefore, submissions for the next RIF must be received by the 15th of the previous month of the issue for it to be considered for admission. I know it is early, but I want everyone to think about it. The 17th issue of RIF will be the February issue. February, of course, is anniversary month for The Borg Club. It will be observed by being a double sized issue. It would be great if EVERYONE could participate. So, please, continue sending in your regular monthly submissions, but also start to plan your special submission for the boffo 2nd anniversary issue. In a couple of months, we will be coming out with a special issue of RIF. It will be the BEST OF RIF, vol. 1. It will cover the best articles in RIF from it's first year. ======================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED ======================= A monthly primer on Assimilation for the Beginner ------------------------------------------------- A feature by Swannox of Borg It seems to me that lately a few units have not been using proper protocol when encountering new lifeforms that are potential new sources of Raw Material and Technology. The following will help you become a better Borg, and facilitate that assimilation. 1. WE ARE BORG. You must first identify who you are, sometimes the name alone will make most lifeforms shake with fear. 2. YOU WILL SERVICE BORG. Be up front with the assimilatee. Let it know that you plan to make him/her an offer they cannot refuse. 3. PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. Always let him know that he is about to join a exciting world of non-stop parties and good times. 4. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. This is a two fold response. It is a standard reply to those lifeforms that want to cause trouble for the civilization that is about to become part of the borg. It is also a notification of subscription opportunities to the official newsletter of the borg. These are the basic standard greetings that should be used when preparing to assimilate a culture. As you become more adept at assimilation, you can add variations to the greetings, such as... SWANNOX: WE ARE SWANNOX OF BORG, PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. Reply: We will never be assimilated. SWANNOX: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, ALL WILL SERVICE THE BORG, DISARM YOUR WEAPONS AND PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. ANY ATTEMPT AT INTERFERENCE AND YOU WILL BE DESTROYED." It's real simple once you do it a couple of times. In later issues, we will discuss the advanced technique. Next month we will discuss how to assimilate the lifeform in various situations. We will also take questions you might have about assimilation. Address all mail to Prodigy:HCMH17F or Internet: Swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu, or in care of Kym Taborn (aka Oxnardus) (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/NVN:Ktaborn/InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com/FidoNet:Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513// VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020/WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115 @8500/ AnarchyNet:Oxnardus)and on other various networks. Be sure to state in your e-mail that your correspondence regards "You Will Be Assimilated." ============= POETRY CORNER ============= "Borgs" ------- (adapted from "Chichens" but the sage Shannon Patrick, who, although very wise, couldn't spell "Chickens" right) by Hazel (Prodigy:PGNG45B) Borgs are cool Borgs are neat Borgs are also good to eat ======================================= SLUG TREK 72: THE UNDISCOVERED PLOTLINE ======================================= PArt 2...A neverending story... "Slugs.. the ultimate life form. These are the voyages of the starship, Snail Trail. Its 60 minutes a day mission with standard user access, To seek out bad puns and complications. To boldly go, where no cyberpunk has gone before!" Act 2: CAPTAIN ESCARGOT FINDS AN ALIEN TO FALL IN LOVE WITH Captain Jean-Luc Escargot: I really hope I'm doing this right, I've never made love to a half-Romulan, half-humpback whale... Act 3: ENCOUNTER AT POINT-NOT-QUITE-SO-FAR-AWAY-AS-FARPOINT STATION. One of those guys in Red who the Alien Kills: Captain on the Bridge Capt: Thank you, thank you, no autographs, please... Acting Admiral Weasly Crusher: You insolent pup, I'll have you... Capt: Dammit, would somebody get him a Trill or something! William T. Loste: C'Mere, Weasly, time to teach you what being a MAN is all about... Capt: Lt. Dworf, status report. Lt. Dworf: Lakers vs Bulls, 14 to Nothing. Capt: Transporter room, status. Miles O'Psycho: Huh-hu-hu-hu, Huh-hu-hu-hu... That was cool. Capt: I didn't quite get that, transporter room. Miles: Shut up, I'm busy! Capt: I'll have you busted down to... Miles: Capt: Dammit, Chief, I want some answers! Miles: Lets beam something! Capt: Stupid, but effective. Bridge out. Lt. Dworf: Captain, I am reading an unidentified vessel approaching. Capt: Gee, who could it be this time? Klingons? Cardasians? Romans... Nippon: You pathetic rounded eyed dog, that's ROMULANS!!! Capt: What, didn't we give you enough lines already??? Anyway... Must be... Ferengi! Yeah, we haven't had a fight with the Ferengi in the long while... Not since Slug Trek 47:The Savings and Loan of Doom... Lt. Dworf: Sorry, sir. No such luck. Its definitely Borg. Capt: BORG??? Awwww, geez, haven't we beaten that to death yet? (god, I hope I don't get assimilated again I hated that they tried to staple a spine into me and...) Dworf: The are hailing us. Capt: Open frequencies. I am Captain Jean-Luc Escargot of the Slightly-Less-Organized-Than-Somalia ship, Snail Trail... Borg: I AM BRAINY, OF BORG. YOU WILL BE SMURFED. SMURFING IS FUTILE. CAPT: NOOOOooOOOooOooooOOOoooooOOOooo!!!!!!!! to be continued... ---Mojo IV #1 @8054 HogNET;#1 @1805004 VirtualNET;1:206/2502 FidoNet ============= ADVERTISEMENT ============= You thought that the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster was the most potent drink in the universe? Or the House specialty Blue Heaven was the drink so intoxicating that you would kiss a Ferengi? Well, you were wrong... Now Introducing, a drink so Powerful that your body will actually Go Warp Speed, enter Transwarp Speed and then go into Hyper Speed. It's HYPER BEER, and you can only get it at the BORG BLUES CLUB. Discovered by Wingus and Copyrighted by the Borg Blues Club TM. Hyper Beer will actually let your body experience what if feels like to go into Hyper Speed without the need of a vessel. HYPER BEER also allows the drinker to Fold into space, talk about a buzz! It's new, and it's only at Swannox's BORG BLUES CLUB. So what are you waiting for, come in and try it today! ---Swannox ======================================== BORG LIBRARY LISTS: TOP TEN LIST --CHILDREN'S BOOKS ======================================== 1. The Stinky Cheese Borg and Other Fairly Stupid Tales 2. Curious George and the Borg 3. Mrs. Frisbee and the Borg of NIMH 4. From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Borgwieler 5. The Borgenstain Bears and the Messy Room 6. Little Cube on the Prairie 7. The Cube at Pooh Corner 8. Go Borg Go 9. Ramona the Borg 10. Mike Mulliborg and the Steam Shovel These and other titles available at the Borgaritaville Public Library. Requests taken. Storytime 10 am Wed and Fri. ---Lucretia Borgia, Head Librarian (GEnie: K.Vonmayr/Prodigy: MBJM54B) ================================== STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO ================================== Original source and author unknown. Contributed by Dragon and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub moderated by Oxnardus of Borg PART ONE OF SIX: Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.0: After a particularly poorly written but nonetheless successful first season, the Enterprise has been assigned to do an exploratory survey of an unexplored quadrant nearest the center of the galaxy, in the hopes that something interesting will happen. On another note, I must admit that I am somewhat distressed at the seemingly random nature of these stardates I am required to quote. They remain a great mystery to me, despite the extensive research that was done on them nearly 400 years ago. Picard: Stop smirking, number one. Riker: I wasn't aware that I was, sir. Picard: You do, Riker. All the time. And stop leaning against things with your head hunched down between your shoulders. Riker: [Standing up straight for a change] Aye, sir. [ Tweedlesquirge ] Data: Captain, ship's sensors have detected a derelict spacecraft at extreme range. Picard: Analysis? Data: It's too far away for any meaningful scan, sir. Picard: Then how do you know it's a derelict? Data: I do not know, sir. I would speculate that it is a writer's error. Picard: Obviously. Well, let's rubberband our way over there and have a look at it. Geordi, set course. Geordi: Aye, sir. Three two two point eight nine mark four three....seven...and some other meaningful numbers. Picard: Engage. [ Purrdlefreezowp ] EXTERNAL SHOT: [ fwEESH!!! POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ] BRIDGE: Data: Approaching derelict craft. Picard: Scan it, Mr. Data. [ Blinkitydinkitydinkityzeerp ] Data: It appears to be an old Earth craft from the late 20th century. Picard: [Muttering] Not again.... Data: It seems to be saucer-shaped, with little lights that spin around and around on the bottom, serving no other readily apparent function. Riker: I've got a bad feeling about this. Troi: Hey! That's MY line! Riker: Well, you dropped your cue.... Picard: I will *not* have petty bickering on my bridge. Data: Awwww.... Picard: Riker, put together an away team. Riker: Aye, sir. Geordi, Worf; come with me. [Shouting at ceiling] Lieutenant! Ceiling: OH, GOODIE! Picard: And don't bother to wear environmental suits, since they obviously have an oxygen-pressurized atmosphere over there. Riker: Of course, sir. [ Fade. Opening credits. Commercial for Ginsu Knives and a digital watch (if you order now), followed by a man accusing you of having gingivitis] Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.5: We have encountered a dippy-looking flying saucer. Riker, LaForge, and Worf are beaming over to investigate. While these plots always resolve themselves in 50 minutes, I nonetheless feel that this is going to be very unpleasant. INTERIOR, DERELICT SPACECRAFT. A DOME-ISH STRUCTURE IS IN THE MIDDLE THAT LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A COMPASS. STEEL SQUARES ADORN ONE WALL, DESCENDING TO A LOWER LEVEL, RIGHT NEXT TO AN ELEVATOR. THE CAMERA PANS TO A CONTROL PANEL FILLED WITH SWITCHES AND FLASHING LIGHTS WHICH IS SET BEFORE A LARGE ORDINARY PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LOOKS OUT INTO OPEN SPACE. [ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! The away team appears.] Riker: [Tapping communicator] Down and safe. Worf: Uh, wrong series, sir. Riker: Ooops... Picard: Good, number one. Keep the channel open and continue to report. Riker: Aye, sir. Picard: And don't smirk. Riker: Yes, sir. Geordi: Sir, this doesn't make any sense. This is an ordinary plate glass window, and yet it looks out onto open space. It should shatter under the pressure. Riker: That's nothing compared to what I think we're going to find. Worf: OOoooo. Foreshadowing. Geordi: [Looking through a disc of plexiglas] Now, *this* is interesting... Picard: Describe what you see, Geordi. Geordi: I see... Jimmy, and Tommy, and Billy, and Susan, and Mary...... Riker: Come on, Worf. Let's go downstairs. [ Riker and Worf go downstairs. ] Riker: Well, here we are downstairs. Worf: It appears to be the crew's quarters. [ Riker draws a curtain and finds two bunkbeds, with a human female in each. ] Riker: Hey! Lookit what I found! Picard: What have you found, Number One? Riker: No, I found two females. They appear to be in some sort of coma. [ Worf draws another curtain, and finds two human males. ] Worf: Two more humans over here, sir. They also appear to be comatose. [ Riker moves to examine the newfound humans, while Worf draws another curtain and finds a young boy and an oldish man. ] Worf: Still more over here, also dead to the universe. Picard: Let's hope they stay that way. [ Suddenly, the old man wakes with a start. ] O.M: AAGGGHHH!!!! Oh, good heavens! Who are you?? What do you want?? Riker: No such luck, sir. Picard: Oh, ****... O.M: [Pointing at Worf, cowering] What are *you*?? Worf: I am a Klingon. O.M: [Cowering] Oh, how very apt. [ As a result of the old man's screaming, the others come out of their coma. ] Man 1: Who are you? What are doing on my ship? Woman 1: Who are they? Man 1: I don't know. Worf: I think we better get Geordi down here, sir. Riker: Agreed. [Taps comm.] Geordi.... Geordi: ...Patrick, and Walter, and Edna, and Sally, and..... Riker: Put a sock in it, LaForge, and get down here! Geordi: .... er, yes, sir! Man 1: Who are you? Riker: I am Commander William T. Riker, and this is Lieutenant Worf. Man 1: Where do you come from? How did you get aboard? Riker: We're from the Starship Enterprise. Man 1: Never heard of it. [ Riker and Worf flash each other quizzical looks. Geordi enters from the rear of the room. ] Riker: We're from Starfleet Command. [ No response. ] Riker: The United Federation of Planets. [ Still no response. ] Riker: Earth, you dullards! Man 1: Oh! Sorry. We've been out of touch for a while. Riker: And you are..... Man 1: My name is Robinson. This is my wife, whose name I can't seem to remember; my co-pilot, whose name I also can't seem to remember; my daughter, Penny; and my son, Will. O.M: [Sheepishly] Hello... Robinson: And *that* is Dr. Zachary Smith. Smith: How do you do, sir. I apologize for my appalling behavior earlier. I should have recognized immediately that you were from Earth. I fear my powers of perception are failing me. [ A vaguely mechanical voice descends on the elevator. ] Voice: Disturbance! Disturbance! I will render assistance. Robnsn: And that is our robot. Picard: Riker! What's going on??? Riker: We've encountered six humans and a robot. They seem ordinary enough, though they haven't heard of the Federation. Data: I recommend we beam them over, sir. Picard: You would. Geordi: I concur with Data, sir. That plate glass window is going to go at..... *Any Moment!* Picard: Oh, very well. But keep them out of my way. Tsu: [Bouncing onto the bridge, if you know what I mean, and I think you do] I'm here, sir. Picard: Good. Take Geordi's station. Riker: Transporter room! Xport: Sir. Picard: Nine people and a robot to beam over. Xport: Ready to beam you over, sir. Riker: Engage. Xport: You mean "energize". Riker: Oh, yeah. Right. Xport: ........ Well? Riker: ENERGIZE!!!!!! [ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! ] CUT TO MEDICAL BAY. THE DOCTOR IS EXAMINING DR. SMITH. THE REST OF THE DIPS ARE WATCHING. PICARD ENTERS WITH DATA AND TROI. THE DOCTOR TURNS TO ADDRESS PICARD. McCoy: Dammit, Picard. What do you think you're doing throwing these peoples' molecules all over creation? Picard: Admiral McCoy! What are you doing here? McCoy: Starfleet cited a seldom-used activation clause. Why the hell did you fire Crusher, anyway? Picard: She wasn't cute enough. McCoy: You *must* be kidding! Troi: Captain.... Picard: Yes, counselor. Troi: I'm sensing great stupidity. Picard: Who from? Troi: Everyone. McCoy: That's unsurprising. I ran an IQ test on all these guys, and it's barely measurable, even all the way down to the smallest intelligence unit available; they only measure about two to three Carters apiece. Troi: No, sir. It's more than just the people we picked up from the ship. It's much greater than that.... Ceiling: Captain, this is Ensign Tsu. The helm has just gone down. I can't navigate the ship. Picard: Go to manual control. Ceiling: Sir, that trick never works. Picard: Try it, anyway. Ceiling: Captain, this is Chief Engineer Roland W. Whatshisname. The fire sprinklers just went off down here, but we don't know why. Everything's getting wet. Funny, though; I thought it was a Halon setup down here... Picard: Turn them *off*, engineer. Ceiling: We can't, sir. The faucet handle broke off in my hand. Picard: [Rhetorically] What is going on???? Ceiling: Sir, this is Wesley Crusher. Picard: Shut up, Wesley! Data: Shut up, Wesley! Riker: Shut up, Wesley! McCoy: Shut up, Wesley! Geordi: Shut up, Wesley! Worf: Shut up, Wesley! Troi: Shut up, Wesley! Ceiling: But sir! Holodeck two just turned itself inside out. And it's not a pretty sight, I can tell you. [ Picard dons a look of amazement and panic. ] Ceiling: ...Though it is kinda neat. [ Fade to black. A female starts lecturing you on athlete's foot, followed by an obnoxious brat eating a chocolate bar. Dick Cavett tries to sell you on a TV dinner, and a bunch of dips drive around in a Japanese excuse for a Jeep. ] TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH!!!!!SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL! ================= BORG COMICOGRAPHY ================= "The Worst of Both Worlds" part four was not released as of the deadline for submissions for this issue. We look forward to it being in RIF #12!!! ================== CONVENTION NOTICES ================== Fandomonium, the generic science fiction club, is proud to announce that we will be holding a science fiction convention, FandCon I, at the Nipomo Youth Recreation Center, 170 South Frontage, Nipomo, CA 93444, on Saturday, August 14 and Sunday, August 15, 1993. The convention is being held to celebrate the club's 17th birthday, which falls on the friday before the convention. The Master of Ceremonies will be Walter Daugherty, of Santa Maria, CA. Guests of Honor include Melisa Corrina Michaels, science fiction writer, Larry Niven, science fiction writer, and Frank Kelly Freas, fantasy artist. There will also be other guests from the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society, founded in 1934, the oldest science fiction club in the world. There will be huckster tables, an art show & masquerade contest open to entries from the public, filksinging, gaming, exhibits of things like how to do Klingon makeup, speakers who were there will tell annecdotes about the early days of the space program and the early days of science fiction fandom, there will be videos, an exhibition tourney by the Society of Creative Anachronisms, and a tri-tip barbecue. A badge good for both days is $20, for one day $10. The masquerade will be Saturday, the art auction Sunday. Children under 12 will be half price. There is a 25% discount for all prepaid memberships if your money is in by July 10th. Make out check or money order to Darrell Grisham, Treasurer, and send it to FandCon I, 466 Concepcion Ave, Nipomo, CA 93444-9131. Fandomonium is hoping to find new local members in the area with this convention, and to introduce those who have never seen one to what a science fiction convention is like. Though we expect this to be a fairly small convention, we are trying to offer most of the features of larger ones, such as Loscon, held by LASFS in the Los Angeles area every Thanksgiving. We have been fortunate enough to be able to draw on the resources of LASFS for many of our guests, though Melisa Michaels is being flown in from Hawaii by the members of Fandomonium who are online on the Prodigy Computer Service. Most of our convention committee is coming in from out of state to meet for the club birthday party, the wedding of two online members, and the convention. Fandomonium was founded on friday, August 13, 1976 in San Pedro, CA, by Marji Holt, who moved to Nipomo in February 1991. Originally, the club was a Star Trek fan club called the South Bay Trekkies, but later the members of the club, then centered in Torrance, CA, decided the club had gone generic, and that name was misleading. The name was changed to Fandomonium on the club birthday in 1984. In August of 1991 the club went online on the Prodigy Computer Service, which allows contact with members nationwide, even in Hawaii. And it was this online group of members who decided to get together in Nipomo for the club's 17th birthday, and to put on a convention that will help the club's founder develop the local branch of the club in Nipomo. The convention will have the added advantage of acquainting local science fiction fans with conventions, so that when the Woodlands Project on the Nipomo Mesa builds their planned convention center local fandom may be in a position to make use of it with larger science fiction conventions. Science fiction fans tend to think ahead. ---Furballus of Borg (Prodigy:MRWM32F) ============== EDITOR NOTICES ============== The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from you as well. ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS. ============================ BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE ============================ Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one time too many? Just mail a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business sized envelope indicating which issue you'd like to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Onxard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be replaced. ========================= Addresses of contributors ========================= EDITORS: ------- Oxnardus (GEnie:K.Taborn/Prodigy:HCMH17A/InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com/FidoNet:Oxnardus 197 @1:206/2513//VirtualNet: Oxnardus 197 @1805020/ WWIVNet:Oxnardus 115 @8500/AnarchyNet:Oxnardus/ RIF BBS & RipCity BBS: Oxnardus/RIME:Kym Taborn/ US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Ripley (Prodigy: NRCR88A/GEnie:M.Samuels1/InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com/RIF & RipCity BBS: Ripley/ US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ Dragon [The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN (3746) (AnarchyNet 42:1005/1203)] Furballus of Borg (Prodigy:MRWM32F) Hazel (Prodigy:PGNG45B) Lucretia Borgia (GEnie: K.Vonmayr/Prodigy: MBJM54B) Mojo IV #1 @8054 HogNET;#1 @1805004 VirtualNET;1:206/2502 FidoNet Swannox of Borg (Internet: swann1@muvns6.wvnet.edu; PRODIGY:HCMH17F)