_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 13 October 1993 RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus and Ripley for distribution on various national electronic services and local electronic BBS echos. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus or Ripley (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. ========= CONTENTS ========= You Be Assimilated: The Short Edition BetaView Billborg Top 10 Music Charts Borgmanian Rhapsody Partly People: An Exercise in Inanity Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation: Where No Sane Man Would Go, Part 3 More Opening Lines Heard At Borg Bars Borg: The Series! A Proposal for the 4th Series SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES Editorial Notices Copyright Notices Solicitations for next newsletter Back issues of RIF available Addresses of contributors ======================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED ======================= A Monthly Primer for the Borg Collective by Swannox of Borg The Short Edition ----------------- This Month is going to be very short, however next month will make up for it. This unit will let you in on what the next issue is going to be and why this issue is not going to be as fantastic as the last. First off, Kym and Marian have over the year developed a very well produced publication, and as a contributer I try to put a lot of effort into my submissions, and up to now, I have had the time, but with fall comes College. My time has been limited, thus a submission would have been of less than my personal standards. However, next month is going to be a top notch issue: --- Descent Part 2 will have aired, and I will feature a full parody of it including how to incorporate the data into your every day lives. --- Pocket Books has published a trade paperback of Descent, and I will have ownership of it by the next publication of RIF, and will feature a complete review of the book, plus more parody of it! --- A Double Review of DS9 Comic 1 and 2. While 1 have already made the shelves, this is a two part story, and I will as a added feature incorporate this into either You will be Assimilated, and/or a Comicography similar to the Borg Four Part in the Comic of Star Trek, The Next Generation. These are the projects that I am working on in my limited spare time. My on-line Sport Publication also took a hit, and Marshall was playing a very good team in 1-AA. (Marshall was #1 and Georgia Southern #7 at time of this typing) so, I hope that you all understand. I would like to have some comments about this feature. It might make it easier to put this together, right now is easy, this is real life, being creative is a little harder. However I will not leave you with out some Borgizms: Picard must not have recovered fully from the Assimilation in Best of Both Worlds, he left the Ship's Doctor in Charge of the Ship against the most powerful foe the Federation ever has faced. Not unless she is going to beam over a medical bill from that repair job she did on Picard. Let's hope we can adapt to that before she starts sending over the Wesley Baby Pictures! ---Swannox of Borg: "Solar Flair?" ======== BETAVIEW ======== Taken over by...Tempta-Q. Two Q.. One Convention.. and They Haven't Sued Yet! Last Sunday, at the Drawbridge Inn, there was a rather dangerous meeting...Tempta-Q, and Qubert, met at the Creation Star Trek Con, featuring Marina Sirtis, the lovely CNS Troi. At about 2:30, my friends, (Pat and Mike, for those curious ones) walked around aimlessly, looking for good 'ol Qubert. Having never MET her before, only landlined, the matter was a little difficult. As we walked back to the Cup and Chaucer, there was a redhead, in a hat, flanked by a rather tall fellow...I called out, "Lisa?" wondering if I was truly out of my mind, or was right.. I -was-! We hugged, and she showed me pics of "The Gang", and what a great gang y'all are! :hugs around: We then went into Quirk's for a glass of water, and a pic or two. We were assaulted by a large Cardassian, (whom Qubert and I fended off easily) and strange looking "hyoo-mans" in funny uniforms! We sat around, and then went into the main room. Currently in the main room, an auction was going on. This gave Qubert and I time to talk about friends, compare Q snaps, (My favorite is the double criss-cross snap) and generally have a good time. We sat through a Marina Music Video, and finally Marina came out. Marina Sirtis is a great lady, I might say.. funny, sweet... and honest! Something you don't find in many humans. She talked about everything, from, "Is Riker a good kisser?" (Yes, but Data has the softest lips) "What's with the brainless act?" (You get cleavage, you lose grey matter) and "What is your favorite episode?" (The Child). We then went shopping in the Dealer's room, where we perused useless memorabilia until the line for autographs died down. Qubert and I said our goodbyes, and she snapped out of there, while I stayed to get an autograph.... :SNAP: And that's all she wrote... ---Tempta Q ============================ BILLBORG TOP 10 MUSIC CHARTS ============================ 10. "I Can't Get No Assimilation" by Rolling Stonus of Borg 9. "Runaway Cube" by Soul Asylumus of Borg 8. "Always Something There to Assimilate Me" by Naked Eyeus of Borg 7. "Too Much Assimilation" by Duranus Duranus of Borg 6. "Dilithium" by Nirvanus of Borg 5. "Borgmanian Rhapsody" by Queenus of Borg 4. "Assimilation (In the Name of Borg)" by U2us of Borg 3. "Little Borg Can't Be Wrong" by Spin Doctorus of Borg 2. "Borg in Heaven" by Eric Claptonus of Borg 1. "Borg in the U.S.A." by Bruce Springsteenus of Borg ---Juvenus of Borg =================== BORGMANIAN RHAPSODY =================== Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a cube's insides No escape from calamity Put in your eyes Dress up in disguise and flee I'm just a poor Borg I need some circuitry Because I'm easy come, easy go A little polish and I'll glow Anywhere the cube goes It doesn't really matter....to me Toooo WE Oh no, did we explode again? Put the sleep command in our heads Blew us up while in our beds Oh well, Life just must go on So I guess we'll pick through what they've thrown away C'mon, .....didn't mean to steal that guy If he's not back with us this time tomorrow He'll be gone, he'll be gone I guess it doesn't really matter This is great My power's on Sends shivers down my spine The party's going all the time Good grief, everybody I've got to know Was the junk food left behind? Now, tell the truth. C'mon I just wanna fly I sometimes wish we'd never had stopped at all Dum dum dum dum I see a little silhouette of a man Locutus! Locutus! Can we make your head glow? Photon blast of lightning Very very frightening EEEK! Grab your bagels! Grab your bagels! Grab your bagels and let's go! Let's just gooooooo...... We're just a poor borg Nobody likes we Easy come, easy go, will they let us go? > Oh, grab a pizza. Grab a pizza. Grab a pizza and let's go. The federation has a wormhole set aside for we, for we, For WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE........ So they think they can stop us and swat us like flies! So they think they can bombard us and leave us behind! Oh, Feddies. Won't you listen to us, Feddies? We're just trying to get out We're just trying to get right out of here Oh, yeah Oh, yeah Nothing really matters As long as we party Nothing really matters, nothing really matters...to weeee... ......anywhere the cube goes........ --Tricius of Borg ============= PARTLY PEOPLE ============= An Exercise In Inanity Excuse me, Is this a borg subject? It said Partly people and we only have partly people parts. --Swannox Hey, couldn't help it. Tricius O' Borg here and was just goofing off as usual. Speaking of which, I thought "RIF" stood for "Read It Fast". --Tricius, partly 5'7, 125lbs of gleaming party animal....and only moderately human....9:25pm RIF - rare intangible fact radically innovative facade real-time isolinear-chip functions reach inside Frank (yuck) rugged individual fun rhinoceros is futile --Oxnardus RIF- Racism is futile Rubber International Foundation Robots Internal Functions --Swannox Hey, I liked the "real-time isolinear-chip functions", errrr... whatever that was. It almost sounded like we knew what we were talking about. --Tricius, "Robotic Intelligence Faker" Swanny- Only partly is this a partly people place, but partly because we are in the midst of those who are not partly people, but not people at all! --Tricius, member of the "Paranoid Club" since 1992. My favorite by far is Robots Internal Functions. Maybe we should change the name of the newsletter??? --Oxnardus, in a panic How about real-time iso-linear fondue? For the hungry borg. --Oxnardus ================================== STAR TREK: THE NEXT (de)GENERATION WHERE NO SANE MAN WOULD GO ================================== Original source and author unknown. Contributed by Dragon [and reprinted from ZenTrek (AnarchyNet Sub moderated by Oxnardus of Borg) PART THREE OF SIX: PICARD AND DATA ENTER THE LOUNGE WHERE THE ROBINSON FAMILY WAS INSTRUCTED TO REMAIN. EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE ROBOT, IS THERE. Picard: Right. I want some answers, and I want them now. Will: Two plus two is four. Mother: Be quiet, dear. Will: Where's Lassie, mom? Mother: I left that series, dear. Picard: Shut up, all of you, and answer my questions. Mr. Robinson: [To Data] Are you an android? Data: [Getting upset] No! I'm an eggplant!! WHY DOES EVERYBODY ASK ME THAT??? [Starts jumping up and down] Picard: Data! Why are you getting upset? Data: [Reverting instantly to his normal self] Getting upset is a human trait, and I do try to be more human.... Picard: Well, stop it. [To family] Now, I want some answers. Things on my ship are going bonkers, and I want to know why. Mr. Robinson: No idea. Mother: Got me. Penny: Duh.... Co-Pilot: Let me get back to you on that. Robot: Danger! Unknown intelligence nearby! Smith: Oh, shut up, you bubble-headed booby! Will: Captain? I'd like to help if I can. Picard: Oh, great. Another boy genius. I should have signed onto a trawler or something. Data: I would not discount the boy's offer so quickly, Captain. Picard: [Sighs] Oh, all right. Tell me how you got all the way out here. Will: Well, a long time ago, we left Earth for Alpha Centauri. But our robot malfunctioned, and we were thrown off course. Since then, we've been Lost In Space.... [ Stupid music starts up. ] Picard: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! [ Music runs down. ] Picard: Please go on. Will: Anyway, everywhere we went, we'd encounter strange aliens in bad makeup who were always bent on destroying us. The robot always tried to help, but Dr. Smith usually got us into trouble. Smith: [Indignant] Such gratitude! And after all the help I've rendered... Picard: Shut up!! [To Will] So how long have you been out here? Will: I don't really know. Picard: Couldn't you ever find your way back to Earth? Will: Oh, we almost did a few times, but something would always happen, and we'd get lost again. Picard: What would happen? Will: Oh.... It was usually something stupid, like Dr. Smith taking a space walk for no reason, or.... Picard: STUPID! Are you sure? Will: Oh, yeah. It was always something really dumb. Picard: Thank you. You *have* been helpful. [To Data] Let's go. [ Picard and Data leave the lounge and enter the hall. ] Picard: What do you think, Data? Data: Penny is cute.... Picard: No no no no!! What do you think of their story? Data: I do not believe they are directly responsible for the situation that is upon us now. However, I believe that whatever has affected them adversely was brought aboard when they were beamed over, and is now affecting us. Picard: Speculation? Data: I would surmise that a creature similar to the hate creature from The Old Series is at work here, except that it generates and feeds on stupidity. Picard: What? You mean we're reusing a plot device? Data: It has been done before, sir. If you'll recall in The Naked Now... Picard: Yes, yes, I know... Data: This situation seems far more amusing, however... Picard: Never mind your editorial remarks, Data. How do you propose to eliminate this creature? Data: To eliminate it, we must first locate it. Picard: And how do we do that? Data: Are you completely helpless or something? Picard: *Humor* me! Data: It would be logical to assume that the creature is at the epicenter of the stupid activity. Picard: The holodeck? Data: A good place to start, sir. Comm button: Captain Picard? This is Chief Engineer Snidely P. Whiplash. We're up to our chests in it now... Picard: Why don't you just beam the water out? Comm: Oh, no, sir. That's far too obvious. Picard: What are you doing about it? Comm: I've got my best men working on it.... [ In the background: ] Man 1: You numbskull!! [SLAP!] Man 2: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! Man 1: And you! [BONK!] Man 2: Ow! Man 3: Hey, leave him alone! Man 1: Oh, a wise guy... [TOINK!] Picard: Dear God. Should we set self-destruct? Data: Unadvisable, sir. It would probably malfunction. I suggest we move to the holodeck as quickly as possible. Delay could be fatal. Picard: Agreed. [Taps comm.] Computer.... Computer: Hi there! Picard: [Winces] Hi. Sound Red Alert. Computer: Sure thing! [Klaxons and lights start going off.] Computer: How's that? Picard: Wonderful. Thank you. [Glances heavenward. Taps comm. again] Worf! Worf: Sir! Picard: Meet us at holodeck two. And don't take the turbolifts. Bring Geordi with you. Worf: At once, sir. Picard: Why do you seem unaffected, Worf? Worf: Stupidity is too much like..... *bathing!* Picard: [Shakes head] Picard out. Let's go, Data. [Fade to black. John McEnroe gets livid about Bic razors, a bunch of diseased obnoxious people swill beer, and more banana slugs try to sell you Dodge Trucks, Toyota Trucks, and Pontiac Gran Prix's. Highlights of this week's National Enquirer flash before you, "For prying idle minds." ] TO BE CONTINUED NEXT MONTH!!!!! ===================================== MORE OPENING LINES HEARD AT BORG BARS ===================================== Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a Picard out of my cube. Borgwinkle Borgwinkle, that trick always works! Rocky the Flying Squirrel You remember the Dinosaurs? We assimilated them. Iridium Layer of Borg Prepare to be dissimulated. Romulus of Borg We assimilated Bart's shorts. The borg next door whom Bart never mentions Learn my Elocution, ma'am. Pygmalion of Borg Assimilation, Schmassimilation. Take this little cube; if you survive, it'll be a miracle; in either case, remember to credit my account. Miracle Max of Borg The Money or the Borg? Borg Dyer Do Borg, Don't Borg Romper Room of Borg Let's get outta here! The Borg, avoiding the assimilation of Mother Teresa's burden. Don't kid yourself, Borg kills. Anti-speed commercial on the cube. Phh, ph, ph-ph-ph! Andy Williams of Borg We need a heightened sense of family values! Professor Borg Hewson We come in Peace! ... Eat to kill! James T. Kirk of Borg Assimilate it, Jim! I'm a Doctor, not a glutton. Leonard McCube I wonder what happens if I despin the cosmic subspace medium ... Wes (alias Dennis the Menace) of Borg. Fire! ... No, not with the dish pointing this way, Wes! ... Riker of Borg Warp coil about to detonate, ho hum. Geordie La Borg Play it, Bjorn. Joan of Borg Who writes these scripts, anyway? Borgamount executive Add fins! Add fins! Borgamount executive A kinder, gentler Borg. Failed Presidential Candidate What we need are more individual Borgs. Obscure MGM spokesperson Because gullible kinds want to go. The National Assimilator Prepare to be Lowest-Common-Denominated. Sir Rupert of Borg The page three girls rather enhance `The New York Times' Sir Rupert of Borg (Furiously.) Don't you dare think for yourself! Sir Rupert of Borg Just because we stole it, doesn't mean it's not our land! Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation Ours! All ours! Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation If families weren't torn apart, what would civilisation come to? Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation Traditional values are not negotiable. Ours, not yours. Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation Assimilate customs and wisdom? Ptui! Hugh Borgan of Worlds Mining Corporation Count the stocks and shares (while they last), not the toll on human life. Junkbondis of Borg We're a genius, a sheer genius ... Wile E. Cubote ---Luxor of Borg =============================================== BORG: THE SERIES! A PROPOSAL FOR THE 4TH SERIES =============================================== Opening: Several Borg speaking in unison and monotone: "Space: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the Borg Collective. Its continuing mission: To destroy strange new worlds, to assimilate new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no Borg has gone before!" The pilot would explain 1) how the Borg got started, 2) how they survived through the explosion at sector 001, and 3) what has become of Wesley Crusher?] "Captain, I see the Borg ship approaching!" "Shut up, Wesley." "Mom, aren't you worried?" "Leave me alone, kid." "Sir, aren't you going to do anything?" "Bug off, human scum!" Then a Borg comes, gets Wesley, and leaves everyone else to their business...provided that Wesley does return to the Enterprise in the first place. Heck, we could finally learn how they assimilate Trill (an ongoing discussion) and Cardassians (how, with those protuberances on their faces)! And they do have other Borg as enemies, namely the factions of Lore and "Hugh". It would be "The Untouchables" in outer space--except the bad guys always win. --Mark D. Rabinowitz ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an InterNet, Genie, or AOL (or anything that has a gateway to any of these services), you can get on the RIF subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distibution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given below). BBS distribution centers: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE BBS Oxnard, CA SysOp: Oxnardus (private BBS -- e-mail Oxnardis for access) RIP CITY Tacoma, WA SysOp: Ripley (private BBS -- e-mail Oxnardis for access) DIMENSIONAL NEXUS Camarillo, CA SysOp: Mojo IV (805) 388-3788 DA WARREN Arvin, CA SysOp: Leonard Richardson (805) 854-2478 ============== EDITOR NOTICES ============== The Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so. We are sure they would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from you as well. ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1993 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about November 1, 1993 (yeah, right!). Send submissions to Oxnardus or Ripley at the addresses notated below on or before October 15, 1993 for consideration for the next issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ============================ BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE ============================ Missing an issue? Used your RIF for a place mat or coaster one time too many? Just send a self-addressed stamped ($.52) business sized envelope to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 and that abused issue will be replaced. Please indicate which issue you desire. All back issues are available! ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- Oxnardus: GEnie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; BorgNet: Oxnardus; RIF BBS & RipCity BBS: Oxnardus; RIME:Kym Taborn; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 Ripley: Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; NVN:Msamuels; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; BorgNet: Ripley; RIF BBS & RipCity BBS: Ripley; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ Dragon: [SysOp: The Dragon's Realm - (805) 524-DRGN (3746)]; AnarchyNet: Dragon @ 42:1005/1203; RIF BBS: Dragon; RIPCITY: The Dragon Juvenus: VirtualNet:The Kid @ #188 @8054*1; Internet: ammorris@tuba.aix.calpoly.edu Luxor: InterNet:ecsgrt@luxor.latrobe.edu.au M. Rabinowitz: InterNet:bp979@cleveland.freenet.edu Swannox: PRODIGY:HCMH17F; Internet:swann1@muvns6.wvnet.edu; RIF BBS: Swannox TemptaQ: Prodigy:XHTS61B Tricius: PRODIGY:HCMH17D; RIF BBS: Computer Chick