_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 19 April 1994 RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus, Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and databases. Resistance is Futile is the official newsletter of the International Borg Club. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. ========= CONTENTS ========= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: What would happen if... PIE, BORG: Parody of "I, Borg" LIFE IN THE 24TH CENTURY IS NOT TOO DULL BORG NOSTALGIA: Reliving the Collective's overlooking the Big Cahuna Emeritus' birthday! (09/92) BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 2: I COMICOGRAPHY: Star Trek #53 & 54, "Timecrime" Parts 1 & 2 of 5 NEXT MONTH IN RIF FROM THE EDITOR Editorial Notices Copyright Notices Solicitations for next newsletter Back issues of RIF available Addresses of contributors ======================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED ======================= by Swannox of Borg What would happen if... The Bridge Crew of NCC-1701 D were assimilated ---------------------------------------------- Picard: would become Locutus (easy) Riker: would become Will Like Her or Willeatus Geordi: would become Lavarus Deanna: would become Badhairus or Bikerchickus Dr. Crusher: would become "I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TVus. Data would become: Beavus Worf would become: Butthead (he he he he...hehehehehe. FIRE FIRE FIRE) IF WE EVER GET AROUND TO IT, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF DS9 WAS ASSIMILATED? ========= PIE, BORG ========= A parody of ST:TNG's "I, Borg" by Leonard Richardson Teaser: Picard: (voiceover) Captain's Log, stardate 45854.2. We are surveying the Galorndan system for possible colonization. Having said that, we will now totally abandon that mission in order to do something silly. Worf: Captain, I am receiving a coded transmission. It seems to be...a distress signal. Picard: Why would anyone code a distress signal? Worf: They're narrowing down my lines. Now I only have 11 different lines, and four of them are different ways of saying . Riker: Well, hang in there Worf. Troi: We're all rooting for you. Geordi: We'll get you that new contract yet. Worf: Riker: Hey, which number was that? Worf: #2. Data: What about the distress call? Riker: Oh yeah... Well, put it on screen. Worf: I can't. Riker: Why not? Worf: It is dishonorable, Alexander. Someday you'll understand. Picard: What? Geordi: Worf only has 11 lines! He can't say whatever he wants to like the rest of us! Picard: This is a crisis! Call sickbay! Riker: It's a CONTRACT, problem, sir. Picard: Oh yeah. Um... call his agent! Data: Sir, a small explosion has taken place on the moon of the third planet. I believe it was a ship crashing. Picard: You'll just have to make do, Mr. Worf. Let's go down to that planet so we can start the parody. Worf: My father was NOT a traitor! Worf: Firing phasers, sir. Geordi: Agh! How are we gonna know what he's saying? Crusher: I know! Let's play charades! Worf: Geordi: Dead? Worf: Geordi: Oh, I get it. They're all dead. Crusher: (checking tricorder) Not quite. Over here! <> Picard: (over communicator) You mean one of them survived the crash? Crusher: Yup. We have to take it back to the ship or it'll die! Picard: It's a Borg! Crusher: So what? If we don't take it on board, we'll have to end the parody right now! Picard: We've already gone over 100! Why not? Crusher: We'll speed it up. Let's go. Female Borg: Hi! Crusher: What are you doing? Female Borg: What, isn't this that heartwarming parody, "Hi, Borg?" Crusher: NO! Go away! You're taking up room in the parody! Pie: (Says nothing) Crusher: Wait a minute, this won't work! The Borg has to realize that he's an individual or the parody won't work! Geordi: None of the other ones worked either! Crusher: That's beside the point. Shady Man in a Trenchcoat: Hey, buddy! Crusher: What are you doing here!?!?! Shady Man in a Trenchcoat: What, isn't this that heartwarming parody, "Spy, Borg?" Crusher and Geordi: NO! Go away! Crusher: Now where were we? Geordi: I forgot. I think we should do a commercial. <> Data: No one would be able to survive all this silly stuff in reality. So if we insert it into the pie's brain, it will spread like a virus etc. etc. Picard: Good. Start immediately. Geordi: You know, captain, I've been happening second thoughts about this whole thing. Picard: What do you mean? Geordi: If we go through all that morality stuff, this parody'll be too long like the last one was and Leonard'll stop it! Picard: Your concern is noted. We'll skip all that. Q: Hi, I'm Q, just making my cameo. Have you ever considered taking up photography as a hobby? For example--" " "Gagh on rye, hold the O-positive" and "Call Da Warren BBS".> Picard: Prepare to beam the pie into my ready room. Worf: It is dishonorable, Alexander. Someday you'll understand. Picard: Now, pie, I understand that you--" Picard: This is idiotic. Woman in Black: Oh, boo hoo hoo!" Picard: What's the matter? Woman in Black: What, isn't this that heartwarming parody, "Cry, Borg?" Picard: Agh! Picard: (to pie) I am Baldus of Borg*! You will answer to me! *(See our parody, "The Best of Both Curls" RIF 15 & 16) Pie: says nothing Picard: What? Pie: Nothing. Leonard just forgot to put the brackets there. Picard: Agh! Wise Chinese Philosopher: Hm... I wonder why? Picard: Why what? Wise Chinese Philosopher: Why anything? Why are we here? Why is this parody so lame? Picard: Huh? Wise Chinese Philosopher: What, isn't this that heartwarming parody, "Why, Borg?" Picard: Out! Out! Picard: Agh! Now we can't do any more of the parody! Oh well, it was pretty stupid anyway. I think I'll go to Ten-Forward and have a Pepsi. Convention Dude: And that was the sneak preview of that heartwarming parody that's coming soon. That was "Rye, Borg," I mean "Pry, Borg," I mean "Shy, Borg," I mean... --Lawrence Richardson ======================================== LIFE IN THE 24TH CENTURY IS NOT TOO DULL ======================================== A typical Dr. Who episode: Episode #13,013... the Cybermen show up and we have a three-way fight, with the Cybermen and Borg working together to assimilate the Daleks, but each plotting to assimilate the other when the Daleks were assimilated. It was entitled, "The 246 Doctors"--it was raining Tardises, yet somehow, every Doctor seemed to know which was his or her Tardis (every now and then after 1998, the Doctor regenerated as a female), but the Companions were running into each other trying to figure out which Tardis was which. The best moment of the episode, which was a record 11 hours and eight minutes, not including the commercials, was when we learned that The Master had accidentally used four of his regenerations at once, and became known as The Q. The Time Lords exiled him. They started making cartoons again, too. The "Road Runner" cartoons are still being made... Wile E. Coyote was last seen using "Acme Space Warp" to try and put the Road Runner into a causality loop so he could predict the warp- speed-powered bird's course and line himself up for a meal. Last scene is the Coyote endlessly falling off a cliff and getting flattened at the bottom. You think "colorized" movies were a big deal? Oh, how George Lucas was incensed when he turned on the TV in his "Old Movie Makers Retirement Home" room on his 104th birthday to see that they'd turned "Star Wars" into an interactive movie. On the other hand, Huston was ecstatic to learn that his old B&W movies, which Ted Turner colorized, were made interactive. When the Klingons heard about our "Murder Mystery" parlor games they adapted the idea, but with one difference: a real stiff and a real murderer. Seems it was quite novel, since Klingon villains typically have no trial. Square dancing is still around, but now there aren't merely 67 moves in Mainstream... there are 109, several of which were added in the 22nd Century. When the caller does a patter call, many use a prompter that tells them after each move what to call next to unscramble the squares and get each dancer home with his/her partner. If the caller ignores the advice, the advice adapts to the new configuration and makes a new suggestion. The best callers still do it off the top of the head. When square dancing came to J'naii, however, the whole thing broke down until they decided to substitute "tallers" for "boys" and "shorters" for "girls." Trivial Pursuit is still played, with Edition #114. Sample question in "Geography": "What happened to Star System L-374." Answer: "All but two planets were eaten by a giant alien machine." In History, "Who was the greatest computer- reprogrammer in Federation history?" Answer, "Captain James T. Kirk", no doubt referring to Nomad, Landru and the Eminians. Kids play "Snakes and Ladders", but now its called "Borgs and Ladders". The game board is now 3D, and is designed like a Borg spacecraft. If you meet the Borg more than three times, they've "adapted" to you and you are assimilated, becoming an obstacle to the remaining players. Usually, no one ever finishes the game. Kids also play "Tribble Trap" where they put together pieces that eventually work together to trap their tribble under a cage. --Warp5 ============== BORG NOSTALGIA ============== Reliving the Collective's overlooking the Big Cahuna Emeritus' birthday! (09/92) ----------------------------------------- [This is a post seen on Prodigy in the Arts BB under the subject "Borg Burger King" on September 30, 1992]. A bustling and extremely noisy BORG BURGER KING screeched to a halt as the resounding and martial Empire March (The Darth Vader Theme from "The Empire Strikes Back." You know, the one that goes DUMMM DUMMM DA DUMMM DA DA DUMMMM DA DA DUMMMM...) boomed outside. All the Borgs ducked for cover as a hurricane wind blew the swing doors of the BBK off its hinges. "ATTENTION! ATTENTION! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL SUPREME BORG EMERITUS IS COMING, AND HE'S PISSED OFF BECAUSE EVERYONE FORGOT HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!!" screeches a megaphone. Then, without warning, the dark prince of Borgdom himself, the unloved and feared Novellus, who's birthday was forgotten by EVERY MEMBER OF HIS FAMILY and all his Borg friends, INCLUDING OXNARDUS (with the exception of a really nifty greeting card from Semenovich), storms into the Borg Burger King. He looks really ticked off, like someone took his entire stock of Root Beer and ejected it into a black hole. But even that deed could not equal the sheer rage he was about to bestow upon the poor undeserving souls of the Borg Burger King. WHAMMMM!!!!! The gauntleted black fists of bionic doom pounded on the Formica (TM) counter of the Borg Burger King. A shivering cash register attendant cringes behind a point-of-sale terminal as Novellus's glowing red laser-eyes shine their warm targeting dots on his skull. "I want a QUADRUPLE whopper with bacon, cheese, and extra tomatoes and pickle with NO MAYONNAISE. I want an EXTRA-THICK strawberry shake, a large fries, and a Cahuna (128 Oz.) sized Dr. Pepper with NO ICE. Got that?" The cash-register attendant begins to sweat profusely. "Did you say a QUADRUPLE whopper with bacon AND cheese?" "Yes. IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?" "Ummmmmm.....No, its just that we never got a request for a Whopper (TM) large sandwich with over ONE POUND of meat on it. That's going to pose some very severe technical problems." "How tough can it be? You cook four patties in the microwave and slap some bacon and cheese on them and put it on a sesame seed bun with some pickles and tomatoes!" "Well, it's not the cooking process that's the problem. You see, due to bad planning, our point of sale system was never programmed for the inevitability that the Supreme Borg Emeritus would ever come to visit and order a QUADRUPLE whopper. Being that the system is directly hooked into the collective's main supercomputer resources, there's no telling what would happen if I tried to enter it...." Novellus turns red-faced with anger -- "Damn the supercomputer resources! I want a Quadruple Whopper with Bacon and Cheese and I want it now!" --Novellus ================================ BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE ================================ Part Two: I ----------- I! am! Kirkus! of! Borg! Prepare! to! be! assimilated! I am Al of Borg. Aww, Peg, I don't wanna assimilate you. I am Barney of Borg. Prepare to be nauseated. I am Batman of Borg, you will be assimilated, foul fiend. I am Beavis of Borg. Assimilation is cool. Heh-heh-heh I am Beldar of Borg. We will assimilate mass quantities. I am Bjorn of Borg. Wimbledon is irrelevant. I am Blofeld of Borg. You will be assimilated, Mr. Bond. I am Bob Barker of Borg. You will come on down. I am Bones of Borg. Jim, I'm an assimilater, not a doctor I am Borg. James Borg. I am Borg ³ºÞº³º³Û³ºÝ³ºÝ³³, who are you? I am Borgs Bunny. What's assimilation, Doc? I am Bubba of Borg. Y'all fixin' to be assimilated. I am Bud of Borg. Can I assimilate you, please, just once I am Bugs Bunny of Borg. What's up, Collective? I am Bundy of Borg. No, I won't assimilate you, Peg!!!!! I am ButtHead of Borg. Resistance sucks, duh-huh-huh I am Cat of Borg. We will assimilate your shiny things. I am Chevy Chase of Borg, and you're not! I am Chevy Chase of Borg - and I hate your guts. I am Clinton of Borg. Your wages will be assimilated... I am Clinton of Borg. You will be assimila... BIG MACS!! I am Clinton of Borg: Resistance is taxable! I am Clinton of Borg, prepare your money for assimilation I am Clinton of Borg. You may or may not be assimilated. I am CopyCat of Borg. Your tagline will be assimilated! I am Curly of Borg. Resistance is futile, woo woo woo... I am Cyrano Jones of Borg. Want to buy a borg tribble? I am Cyrus of Borg. You will be achy breaky assimilated. I am Dangerfield of Borg. Respect is irrelevant I am Dax of Borg. My slug has been assimilated. I am Descartes of Borg: I assimilate, therefore I am. I am Dirty Harry of Borg. Go ahead...resist us... I am E.T. of Borg. Home is irrelevant. I am Ed McMahon of Borg. You may already be assimilated! I am Elders of Borg: A planned and wanted assimilation I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be Assimiwated. I am Flintstone of Borg. You will be yabbadabbasimilated I am Fudd of Borg. Pwepare to be assimiwated. I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is Yusewess. Huh-huh-hut! I am Gilligan of Borg. Escape from the island is futile. I am Ginzu of Borg. You shall be amputated. But Wait! I am Gomer of Borg! Golly we are gonna assimilate ya! I am Hamlet, Prince of Borg. Prepare to be...or not to be I am Hillary of Borg. Choice is irrelevant. I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts! I am Jordon of Borg. Gravity is irrelevant. I am Kelly of Borg. Can I (what's that word, daddy?) I am Kelly of Borg. Can I oh, you know what I mean. I am Khan of Borg. From hell's heart I assimilate thee.. I am Kira of Borg. Wanna make something out of it??!!!! I am Kirk of Borg. You! Will! Be! Assimilated! I am Koresh of Borg. Prepare to be immolated. I am Koresh of Borg, we will be incinerated. I am Lancelot of Borg. Resistance is feudal. I am Locutus of Borg. This tagline was assimilated. I am Locutus . . . of Borg. Resistance is futile. I am Locutus of Borg. Do you have any Grey Poupon? I am Locutus of Borg, this tagline is irrelevant. I am Locutus of Borg. I demand Earl Grey tea - for 1000000. I am Macintosh of Borg. It takes a while to assimilate. I am Marvin of Borg. Guess what weapons we have. Go on, guess I am McCoy of Borg,...You will Damn well be assimilated I am McMahon of Borg. You shall be on Star Search. I am Moderator of Borg.Resistance is futile.You will obey I am Mr. T of Borg. I pity da fool that resists me. I am Opie of Borg. Can I assimilate 'em, Pa? I am Peg of Borg. Al, I need to be assimilated NOW! I am Perot of Borg. We should assimilate for the children I am Pike of Borg. Beep beep. I am Popeye of Borg. Prepare to be askimilgrated. I am Porky of Borg. You will be assim...bdeh...assim... I am Quayle of Borg. Speling is Irevelant I am Reagan of Borg. Prepare to be...uh, I don't recall I am Rush of Borg, Prepare to have meaning attached. I am Scott of Borg. Resistance dinna matter. I am Shakespeare of Borg. Prepare to be, or not to be. I am so old, I still think Borg is a tennis player I am Spock of Borg. Resistance is illogical. I am Sybil of Borg: I will assimilate myself. I am Tagline of Borg. Go ahead! Assimilate me! I am Terminator of Borg. Hasta Lassimilation, Baby! I am Tim Allen of Borg. Prepare to be Re-wired. I am Troi of Borg. Your Chocolate will be assimilated. I am Troi of Borg. How does assimilation make you feel? I am Trojan of Borg: Assimilation is safe sex. I am Uhura of Borg. Assimilation frequencies open, sir. I am Wayne of Borg. Resistance isn't futile. NOT! I am Wesley of Borg. Even THEY don't like me! I am Worf of Borg. Resistance is *without* honor. I am Yoda of Borg: Assimilated will you be ... hmm? I am Zaphod of Borg. You will be...Whoa! Babes! I am Zsa Zsa of Borg. Prepare to be assimilated dahling. I canna change the laws of assimilation - Scotty of Borg I like my species the way it is. - Worf to Locutus I want your clothes, boots, and, oh yeah, you're assimilated I'd rather be assimilating. - Borg Bumper-sticker. If Ensign Ro were assimilated, she'd be a Bajoran Borg. If you can read this, you're irrelevant. -Borg Irrelevant, proper order of words is. þ Yoda of Borg It is irrelevant that the Borg do it. It's a futile day in the neigh-Borg-hood... It's Hip To Be Square! - Borg Chamber of Commerce It's not a human, dammit! It's a Borg!" - Picard It's the Borg!! Quick, look useless... ==================== STAR TREK COMICOLOGY ==================== by Oxnardus of Borg From October '93 to February '94, DC Comics Star Trek ran a five- part series called "Timecrime". Easily one of the best (if not the best) miniseries ran in the entire Star Trek comic book corpus, one could not be surprised to see "Timecrime" later issued as a graphic novel. This series is more complex and contains more plot twists than either the "Mirror Universe Saga" (from the previous ST series in DC, released separately in graphic novel form) or STNG's "The Worst of Both Worlds" (reviewed in RIF #8-10). Both of these miniseries have received critical acclaim in the Star Trek comic book world. Star Trek, Issue #53 (October 1993) "Timecrime" Part 1/5 Sub-titled "What's Wrong With the Timeline?" Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rod Whigham; Inker: Arne Starr; Letterer: Richard Stakings; Colorist: Matt Webb; Cover: Rod Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC Comics. PLOT: The story begins in an altered timeline. During a temporal disturbance (hey, happens all the time on TNG!) the Enterprise discovers a Romulan warship. This causes much ado since in this timeline the Romulan Empire was destroyed 50 years prior. The Romulan admiral (what luck...an admiral's on board!) Jaricus explains that he and his associate were on a time travel mission. When they returned, they found themselves in a timeline where the Klingons and Federation were allies and the Romulans were an extinct race. The Romulan's suspect that someone went back in time and altered history in order to eliminate the Romulan Empire. Now begins the discussions as to how to determine the "correct" timeline. The alternate Trekians cannot decide whether they are the alternate timeline or the Romulans are in fact time saboteurs attempting to alter the "correct" timeline in order to revive the Romulan Empire. To resolve the issue, the Federation decides to solicit the help of the Guardian of Forever. The Romulans are at first skeptical, but finally agree to the use of the Guardian when Jaricus is granted observer status. COVER: Kirk, Sulu and Worf [THE Worf's granddaddy!] on the bridge of the Enterprise, with Sulu at helm, Kirk looking forward at the Romulan cruiser on the view screen. Worf is facing the audience with his Klingon hand clenched. The text on the cover states: "Star Trek. What is wrong with the timeline? Everything!" Hey! The cover actually corresponds with what is going on in the book! COMMENTS: The reader obviously knows that the narrative timeline is the wrong timeline since the First Officer on the Enterprise-A is Worf and not Spock (the reader also is FORESHADOWED this state of affairs by having Worf on the bridge with Kirk and Sulu on the cover). However, the book raises an excellent issue...when confronted with of proof of competing timelines: how does one determine which timeline is the proper one? There is also a discussion, albeit short, on the idea that since they are obviously already in a timeline they have been happily living with for hundreds of years, then what they are living in should by default be the "correct" timeline. The book, limited by it's medium, is unable to deeply explore these side problems dealing with alternative universes, but it is nevertheless refreshing seeing some of them mentioned...even if in passing. Star Trek, in all of it's incarnations, has explored the concept of time travel and it's effect on the march of time. Their solution was to create "alternative" timelines. In the TNG episode "Parallels", they even introduced the idea of a "quantum signature" which would allow a product of one timeline to be matched with their originating timeline. That was, of course, TNG, a whole generation ahead of TOS. This comic is TOS, therefore, they could not use that technical knowledge. Star Trek, Issue #54 (November 1993) "Timecrime" Part 2/5 Sub-titled "Nightmares" Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rod Whigham; Inker: Arne Starr; Letterer: Bob Pinaha; Colorist: Stuart Chaifetz; Cover: Rod Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC Comics. PLOT: At the Guardian of Forever, Kirk discovers that the timeline which they are currently living has been definitely altered. Kirk also discovers that the change involved a specific event in Klingon history and will include, as an indirect result, the death of his son, David. Apparently, in this timeline, Kirk raised David with Carol Marcus. They were a happy, nuclear family. Spock and Kor, a Klingon historian with a portfolio full of credentials, determined that the time bandits seven centuries ago saved the Klingon ruler Khartan from being assassinated (pretty tricky, those time bandits). A lot of politicking goes on until the powers that be decide that "an effort must be made to reestablish the original timelime" (even though it is obvious no one really wants to!). Spock and Admiral Jaricus remain on the planet to observe the Guardian while the "Special Team" prepares to jump through the Guardian of Forever. The "Special Team" consists of the surgically altered (to look like Klingons) Kirk, Uhura, Sulu and McCoy. They are accompanied by already "Klingoned by Birth": Worf and Kor. COVER: Before the Guardian of Forever, stand dressed in ancient Klingon warrior garb, Kirk and Sulu (both surgically altered to look like Klingons), and Kirk's new side-kick, Worf. Sulu and Kirk have their blades raised while Worf carries his battle axe in both hands. All wear different styles of shoes and armor, but still keep that attractive (and sharp!) medieval Klingon look. They are dressed to kill. Words on cover: "Star Trek. Desperate Measures!" COMMENTS: To get around the lack of a way to determine who belongs where, the solution is to use the Guardian of Forever to work out the time problem. TNG episodes have developed a theory that all the timelines exist concurrently and that one specific timeline has no intrinsic value over another except to the timeline traveller one who originally belongs to it. Again, in the TNG universe, that is determined by an object's quantum signature. TOS, however, appears to make a difference between parallel universes (e.g. Mirror, Mirror: where the valiant crew have to go up against a Spock with a goatee and a militaristic, empirical Star Fleet) and altered timelines (e.g., City on the Edge of Forever: do I need to give a plotline? The show where Hitler wins and the Federation doesn't exist because McCoy saves Edith Keeler!). TNG appears not to hold to this theory (e.g. Yesterday's Enterprise - where the Enterprise-C mucks up the timeline and creates a Federation about to be eaten by the Klingons AND Parallels - where Worf gets unstuck in timelines). And what does this all mean? I haven't the slightest idea! SAMPLE LINE: McCoy: "I'm a doctor -- not a damned oracle." Next month: Issue 55!!! ================= NEXT MONTH IN RIF ================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Borgzilla--A Gigantic Reptile Borg THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD BORG JOKE BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 3: J - Z BORG SING-A-LONG: "Born to be a Borg" ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 1 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: MAYONNAISE STAR TREK COMICOLOGY =============== FROM THE EDITOR =============== Our new procedure for sending out RIF to regular subscribers did not work last month. Therefore the February '93 (#18) issue of RIF was sent out late. Thousand pardons. To date, however, everyone appears to have received RIF #18 in complete form. Again, if you are missing an issue of RIF, just e-mail me and I will put you on the mailing queue for back issues. Next month RIF will be starting an EIGHT PART (oh no!!!!) serializing of "Hitch-Hiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation [Don't Panic]. If you don't remember HHG, better break it out and read it so you can catch all the jokes. Also, next month, RIF will begin the arduous task of presenting ALL of the STNG 7th season parodies from HareWare Productions. Yes! That means there will be a HareWare parody in every issue of RIF until hell freezes over. Spooky, but true. Finally, the wait for back issues will get longer as RIF boldly marches into the future. Currently there are 21 separate mailings for RIF back issues. They take approximately 3-4 minutes to send out...that makes an entire run (including prep time, etc.) potentially 90 minutes!!! Therefore, instead of making one complete sweep a month, I will begin to attempt to get through half the backlog per month. In theory, this would mean every other month I'd send out 1-8 and the next 8-18, or something similar to that. For the month of February I sent out 1-8. Remember, the Borg Club is located EVERYWHERE. If you wish to be assimilated just ask a local Borg to do so, or do it yourself. There is no shame in being a self-made borg. We are sure they are many who would be more than happy to assimilate you quickly and painlessly, not to mention take your culture and technology from you as well. --Oxnardus ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN, Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address. Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF (and insure your copy of RIF one week prior to e- mail subscriptions!), please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given below). BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): Phone Name City ST SysOp ----------------------------------------------------------------- (206) 472-1845 RIPCITY Tacoma WA Ripley (405) 282-4676 THE Q CONTINUUM OK The Q (604) 574-1523 U.S.S. NEXUS BBS B.C. CAN Admiral Kirk (607) 777-4866 SUNY-BBS Binghamton NY Drew Halasz (616) 381-1124 THE X-FACTOR Kalamazoo MI Lord Vader (617) 864-3375 BCSM BBS Boston MA J. M. Tretakoff (618) 746-0916 THE ACCESS BBS Scott AFB IL C. Claybaugh (805) 854-2478 DA WARREN Arvin CA L. Richardson (805) 933-1345 QUACKIN' UP Santa Paula CA Jeff Mercer (805) 987-5506 THE REALM Camarillo CA Musical ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon that copyright or earn profit from this publication. It is distributed free of charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about May 1, 1994 to regular e-mail subscribers and on or about April 23, 1994 to BBS subscribers. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ============================ BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE ============================ Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we shall endeavor to send it out to you as soon as time permits. This is a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take thirty days...but rest assured, you shall receive it! The requested issue will be sent to you via InterNet or Genie e-mail. If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways, just send $2.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which issue you desire. All back issues are available! ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm; MajorNet: Narda@fnz; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet:m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity BBS: Ripley. SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6; Internet: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu; Prodigy: JPRN49A CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478 Fraclicutus: Prodigy Tricius: Currently off-line Novellus: Currently off-line Warp5: Genie: G.CAPP