_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 20 May 1, 1994 RESISTANCE IS FUTILE ("RIF") is published and edited by Oxnardus, Ripley, and Swannox for distribution on international, national and local electronic services, bulletin board conferences, and databases. Resistance is Futile is the official newsletter of the International Borg Club. Address listings, copyright notices, editorial notices, and information on back issues are printed at the end of this newsletter. All correspondence should be sent by e-mail to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox (addresses given at end of newsletter) or mailed to "Resistance is Futile", P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Borgzilla -A Gigantic Reptile Borg THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD BORG JOKE BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 3: J - Z BORG SING-A-LONG: "Born to be a Borg" ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 1 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: MAYONNAISE [Liaisons] TNG 254 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY NEXT MONTH IN RIF Editorial Notices Copyright Notices Solicitations for next newsletter Back issues of RIF available Addresses of contributors ======================== FROM THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF ======================== Because of immediate cash flow problems, RIF #20 was released 30 days in advance on March 31, 1994. I am hoping that the monetary problems will be solved by June 1, 1994! If not, all subscribers shall be given notice of the future of RIF. This month RIF begins serialization of a fun Star Trek: TNG/Hitch-Hiker's Guide cross-over parody. It will be presented in 8 parts. Also, this month RIF will begin a parody presentation of the entire 7th season from HareWare Productions. Since "Descent, Part 2" has already been in RIF #15 (12/93), this seasonal presentation will begin with "Mayonnaise", a parody of "Liaisons" ST:TNG episode #154. The parodies will continue in production code order until reaching the final episode of ST:TNG. ======================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED ======================= by Swannox of Borg BORGZILLA -A Gigantic Reptile Borg- ----------------------------------- Japan...a tiny set of little islands in the pacific on the planet earth. SECTOR: 0,0,1. It also seems to be where the raw fish... er, Materials and Technology are. After all attempts failed due to the vast skill of those darn videogame players and kung-fu experts etc. etc. etc. SO AS THE EVER ADAPTING BORG...WHO BETTER TO ASSIMILATE JAPAN THAN GODZILLA???? ================================ THE BORG VS. THE DUKES OF HAZARD ================================ Dukes of Hazard vs. the Borg. I can see it now. Bo drives the General Lee off of a conveniently placed ramp and puts the car into orbit. Luke jumps through the window of the Borg ship and distracts them with moonshine and pictures of Daisy. Meanwhile Bo fires an arrow at the Borg ship which miraculously hits the self-destruct button. Luke jumps out of the Borg ship and land squarely on the hood of the car just before the Borg ship blows up. Upon return to Earth, they are immediately arrested by Sheriff Roscoe Peco Train who charges them with not having their car properly licensed for space travel. Their bail is set by Boss Hogg at ten million dollars, forcing Uncle Ben to dig deep into his cookie jar for the money to post bail. ---David Webb ========= BORG JOKE ========= Why can't Borg reproduce normally? Because they're infutile. ---Jake Bourne ================================ ALL THINGS COME TO SHE WHO WAITS ================================ A Meditation on the Acquisition of a Borg Action Figure ------------------------------------------------------- Finally, I have my Lares or Penates or whatever: I have my Borg Action Figure. I was a good and mature adult the first time I saw one, right before Christmas, when I had fifty places for every penny and did not want to have to pack anything more than I had already. Until tonight, it was also the last time I saw him. Oh, I saw the hemiBorg, Locutus, a couple times, but it was not he I wished to include among my family portraits. So now The Borg stands on his Borg stand atop my MacIIci and in his implants I can see the calm assurance that RESISTANCE IS FUTILE and I can assimilate anything that comes my way. It even makes up for the fact that the trip to Toys R Us which resulted in his assimilating our cuboid was for the purpose, successfully executed, of acquiring Glitter Hair Barbie, and for once cent more, while supplies last, the BARBIE HAPPY BIRTHDAY video. Barbie is irrelevant. We will assimilate Skipper, Stacey, Midge, Teresa, Kira, Ken, Kevin, Midge, Todd, and yes even Ken and Barbie- the borg can always use more plastic for implant production... ---Olympius of Borg ======================= HOW TO DESTROY THE BORG ======================= Have them assimilate... themselves !!! "Resistance is resistance is resistance is resistance is.... ...is futile is futile is futile is futile is..." (recursive borg) ---D. Germans ================================ BORG TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE ================================ Part Three: J - Z ----------------- Join the group mind - become a Borg. Let LimBORG do it. He knows everything. Life ain't easy for a Borg named Hugh. Locutus to Pontiac: Excitement is Irrelevant. Lubricant. Pennzoil. Steaming hot. - Locutus of Borg McBorgs, over half-billion assimilated. Me and you and a Borg named Hugh My other computer is a Borg. Next on Geraldo of Borg: brothers who assimilate sisters. Nice Borg. Gooood Borg. Urk! Only YOU can prevent futility. Smokey the Borg Packled Borg: We look for things. Things to assimilate. Prepare to be,like,totally assimilated,OK?þBuffy of Borg Puddy Tat's are iwelevent þ Tweety of Borg RESISTANCE IS FUTILE... - The Borg Resistance is futile (If < .0001 Ohm). Resistance is Illogical - Spockutis of Borg. Resistance is Useless!!! if < 1 ohm Riker, AKA "Number One." A spy for the Borg? Roger Daltry of Borg: Hope I die before I'm assimilated. Running is irrelevant. Border is irrelevant.  Taco Borg Rush LimBorg: Liberals are irrelevant! Screw the Prime Directive...give the Borg a copy of Windows! Seinfeld of Borg: D'juh ever notice resistance is futile? Send the Borg a copy of Windows. That'll REALLY slow 'em Sorry, the Borg assimilated my mail packet. Sylvester of Borg: Birds are irrelevant. Sylvester of Borg: Succotash is irrelevant. Tennis is irrelevant - Bjorn Borg TerminatorBorg The Borg Are Back An' Theres Gonna Be Trouble Hey Na Hey The Borg assimilated me & all I got was this t-shirt. The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this t-shirt. The Borg assimilated my race and all I got was this tagline. The Borg Cable Co: The subscriber's wishes are irrelevant THE BORG: Calm, Cool and Collective... The Borg Express Card: Assimilation has its privileges. The Borg have neither honor or courage. The Borg is *everywhere*! ÄÄ"Riker" The Borg -- plastic surgery taken too far The final DOS version of Borg ... ClintonBorg! The Last Borg Scout - Starring Patrick Stewart as Locutus Tigger of Borg: Assimilatin' is what Tiggers do best! To Borg or not to Borg, the question is irrelevant! Troi of Borg: And how did assimilation make you feel? Victor Borg: Pianos are irrelevant. Vote for Locutus/Hugh: 9 of 6 of the Collective Party!!! We are Pakled of Borg. We look for irrelevance. We are FORMAT of Borg. Your hard drive is assimilated... We brake for cubes! We have engaged the Borg. The wedding will be Friday. We will not assimilate you..IF you can spell 'assimilate' Why Ask Why? Try Borg Dry Yoooouuuuu'rreee Irrelevant!  Daffy Duck of Borg Your income is being assimilated þ Clinton of Borg Your life, as it has been, is over. ÄÄLocutus of Borg You will be assimilated... during dinner. - Bates of Borg You will use Windows. Resistance is Futile. þ Borg "I'm Beverly...", "I'm Geordi...", "We are Barney..." "They turned me into a Borg." "A Borg?" "Well, I got better" 'Cause I'm a Borg, yea, yea, yea. * <- Tribble # <- Tribble After Borg Assimilation #1 on BORG Hit Parade: "Borg in the 'Hood'"! #1 on BORG Hit Parade: "We all sleep in a single subroutine" ================ BORG SING-A-LONG ================ BORN TO BE BORG --------------- (To the tune of "Born to be Bad," by George Thorogood and the Delaware Destroyers) At the time I was conceived The Collective was relieved "There's another unit in the Hive" Stuck with tubes And borne in cubes We assimilate all that's alive I was grey and slow But I fought my foe Like the little cyborg that I was Then we met the E And on bended knee The android Lore became my "cous" Born to be Borg That is that reason for my life Futile resistance deserves nothing but the knife When my cells are pumped and my core is dumped I know what the robots will say They'll be glad to make me slag But all the 'droids will wag How I ran until my dying day ---Sean Keane ==================================================== HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 1 of 8 ==================================================== by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter SCENE 1: [Enterprise Bridge. Everyone at his/her stations.] Data: Captain, sensors are picking up two vessels ahead. One appears to be firing upon the other. However, I am receiving no distress signals. Picard: Is it the Borg, Mr. Data? Data: I believe it is the Borg, sir. The larger ship appears to be rectangular in shape. Riker: Red Alert! Shields up! Fire all weapons! Picard: Delay that order, Number One. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not even kidnapped yet. Therefore, I am in charge of this ship! Riker: Oh, that's right. Sorry, sir. I'll wait until you've been kidnapped, and *then* I'll fire at the Borg ship, with you in it! Picard: Err..., right! What about the other ship, Data? Is it the Romulans? Data: Unknown, Captain. It's shaped like ... a shoe. Picard: A shoe? Riker: It must be the rumored Romulan Nike class. It's supposed to run faster, jump farther, has better shields for shock absorption, and a little pump on top that you can squeeze. I read about it in this week's _Playbeing_ ... err, (avoiding the questioning gaze of Troi) only for the articles, of course. It's supposed to be top secret. Didn't you see it, Captain? Picard: You mean that article on page 42, right after the holoimages of Eccentrica Gallumbits, the triple-breasted whore of Eroticon Six? Of course not! Everyone knows that I only read William Shakespeare and Oolon Colluphid. Data, on screen. [On the screen, holoimages of Eccentrica Gallumbits of Eroticon Six flash by. She is shown in a variety of rather creative poses. Her three breasts hanging ...] Picard: The Borg, Mr. Data! Data: My apologies, sir. I thought you meant ... Picard: Thank you, Mr. Data! [On the screen, we now see the Borg ship tractor-beaming a much smaller, white, shoe-shaped ship. It's shields almost gone, offering no resistance. Hushed disappointments fill the bridge.] Picard: (coughs) Worf, open a channel to the ... shoe. Worf: Channel opened, sir. Eddie: Hi there! I'm Eddie, the shipboard computer here at the Heart of Gold, and I want to be your friend! Picard: (standing up, straightening his uniform) I'm Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise. I notice that you are having some difficulties. Do you wish our assistance. Eddie: Well, hello, Jean-Luc! Oh yeah, I can definitely use an extra hand over here. You see, I'm trying to make some tea. Riker: Tea? Data: Tea. An ancient Earth beverage originated in Asia. China, to be precise. It consists of dried leaves in boiled water. Eddie: Yep, just like your robot says! With milk. Riker: Squirted out of a cow? Data: Which, I believe, is an English tradition. By the way, I am not a robot. I'm an android. Wesley: (whispers) Contractions, Data! Data: What? Oh, I mean, _I am_ an android. Picard: Well, that's all very nice. I am sure we can arrange for some tea to be made. Right, Mr. LaForge? Geordi: It will require redesigning the data structures of our food synthesizers, reprogramming the holodeck to create solid matters simulating Asiatic plant life, implementing an error checking protocol that allows the two to communicate in parallel, and creating a user-friendly, menu-driven, icon-based graphics user interface with mouse support and on-line, context-sensitive, hypertext help. Give me twenty minutes, and I'll have it purring like a Syranian monkey-cow in heat. Picard: Make it so, Lieutenant. (turning to Eddie on the screen) Actually, the difficulty I was referring to was the Borg that is currently attacking you. Eddie: Huh? What Borg? Hold on, let me allocate a couple megajoules to my external sensors. (pause) Yikes! Hey, guys, I'm being attacked! Hold on, I've got to tell some people here about this. I'll get back to you in a sec. [Insert 30 seconds of Nike Michael Jordon promo commercial here, interrupted by an Energizer rabbit drumming in ... "Thump! Thump! Thump! And it keeps going, and going, ..."] SCENE 2: [Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Heart of Gold, Arthur, Ford, Zaphod, and Trillian are staring at the rear viewer as if they are being attacked by the Borg, which, as it happens, they are. The ship continuous to rock continuously as it absorbs blows upon blows of Borg's phasers. Marvin begins to whistle a new tune that he had just made up ...] Arthur: So, this is it. We're all going to die. Ford: Over a cup of tea. Trillian: With milk. Marvin: Don't bother to ask me what tune I'm whistling, because even if I tell you, you won't understand it. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, reduced to entertaining myself by making music. Music. Oh, how I hate music. By the way, our shields can last another 23.2536 seconds, in case anyone's wondering. [He paused for what he calculates to the nanosecond the amount of time required for an average human being and an average Betelgeusian to register in their pity cerebrums the destruction time that he had just cited, then added another 1.2548 seconds to compensate for this particular crew.] Marvin: I'm not getting you down at all, am I? Zaphod: Hey, guys, lighten up! I'm sure we can think of something! Let's see (looking under the control console) ... where's Eddie's plug? Maybe we can, like, pull it or something. Marvin: I thought you wanted excitement and adventure and really wild things. Zaphod: Shut up, Marvin. Zarquons, I need a drink! Eddie: Hi guys! (coming back, he startled everyone on the Heart of Gold. Zaphod bangs both of his heads under the control console) Did someone say a drink? Come on, give me a break! Here I am, being attacked by a Borg, whatever _that_ is, and first you asked me to make you some tea, and now you want a drink??!! All right, what'll it be? Zaphod: Some Gargle Blasters, you misaligned piece of Kronian El-Cheapo Silicon! Now get us outta here! Eddie: On the rocks? Zaphod: I said, GET US OUTTA HERE !!!!!!! Eddie: Okay, okay. Gee, you don't have to take it so personally. Now, where would you like to visit today. I am programmed to take you ... Zaphod: ANYWHERE !!!!!! Marvin: If I may be so bold as to interrupt, which I know is pointless anyway as nobody ever listens to what I have to say. Nobody ever cares about what I thinks, not that it's anyone's fault. My intelligence is so mind-bogglingly vast that nobody can even _began_ to understand what I am thinking. Anyway, I just like to mention that we will all be dissipated into our composing molecules in 5.2387 seconds, not that I'm counting. It's being nice knowing you all ... Eddie: Anywhere? Hmmmm... well, can someone at least give me a seed for the random number generator? [Zaphod lunges toward the control console, hitting a combination of buttons and switches all at once. Suddenly, the bridge begins to bend out of shape. Space and time warps on top of itself and falls over. Traffic lights appear out of nowhere and amuse themselves by handing out parking tickets. The last decimal digit of pi shys away into a corner and hides itself from mathematicians forever. It starts to rain "We are the World" albums.] What will happen to our beloved Enterprise? Will they be able to stop the Borg? What about the Heart of Gold? Will it survive the Borg's phasers? Does Arthur still have his pocket fluff? Is anyone carrying a towel? Finally, the question that has been burning in our hearts since the beginning of time ... will Arthur finally be able to get his cup of tea? With milk? For the answers to these, and many other, totally irrelevant questions, stay tuned for the next exciting episode of ... The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation! ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ MAYONNAISE ---------- Hareware Productions presents "Mayonnaise" A parody of ST:TNG's "Liasons." TNG Production number 254. By Leonard Richardson TEASER: Picard: (voiceover) Captain's Log, stardate 47031.2. We are awaiting the arrival of the Bobian ambassadors. Meanwhile, Troi has decided to keep her regulation uniform. Darn. Obnoxious Ambassador: My tush sweated the whole trip! I gotta get one of those cool-air cushions! Hyper Ambassador: Oh boy! Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzz... (falls over) Bobian Pilot: C'mon Picard, we're going to be late! Picard: All right, all right... (gets in the shuttle) ACT 1: Picard: So, how much are you getting paid to do this episode? Bobian Pilot: Picard: How 'bout them Dodgers? Bobian Pilot: Picard: Um... I'll go make me some tea. Picard: WHAAA! What was that? Bobian Pilot: The engines have overheated! And I forgot to pay the insurance premium this month! Picard: Agh! Is there anywhere we could land? Bobian Pilot: There's a planet in this system that appears habitable. OH NO! Picard: What? Bobian Pilot: It's inhabited by creatures that resemble Michelle from "Full House!" Picard: Oh no! On screen! Michelle: (on screen) You will be assimilated. Picard: Horrors! Bobian Pilot:The planet has us in it's tractor beam! Picard: How can a planet have a tractor beam? Bobian Pilot: Um... it's not really a planet! It's the Death Star! Picard: Then what are creatures that resemble Michelle from "Full House" doing on it? Bobian Pilot:They invaded! How should I know? Picard: You're hiding something! Bobian Pilot: So what? Picard: I dunno... try to break free of the tractor beam! Bobian Pilot: I'm attempting to break into their computer system... Picard: What good will that do? Bobian Pilot: I'm trying to alter their ratings. Bobian Pilot: I did it! They thought their ratings were at the level that they would be if more people called Da Warren BBS instead of watching the show! Picard: Good work! Bobian: Oops! Picard: What? Bobian Pilot: We never did anything about the engines! Both: AAAAAAH! Ro: Hi! Have you ever wondered what happened to me after "Rascals"? TV Audience: No! Go away! We wanna see what happens to Picard! Ro: I went into movies! Here are some clips from my latest! Coach: (pointing to Ro) What's your assignment? Ro: Kill EVERYBODY! Voice-over:A story of what it takes to survive... Voice-over and caption: THE ROGRAM! TV Audience: BOO! (loud crashing noises, gunshots, and screams) <> ACT 2: <10-Forward. A party is going on. Troi is leading the Hyper Ambassador through the buffet.> Troi: And this is the Spam. Yuck. Hyper Ambassador:(sniffs it) Bleah! Why don't you have anything on your plate? Troi: I'm saving it for the little tuna sandwiches. Look! Hyper Ambassador:(pops one into his mouth) Yum! (takes the entire platter!) Obnoxious Ambassador:I don't like this Spam! Take it back, Klingon! Worf: Obnoxious Ambassador: And stop grunting! Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzzz... Picard: (shaking the Bobian Pilot) Hey! Wake up! Bobian Pilot: Bleah... Dr. Mccoy:(suddenly appearing) He's dead, Jim! Picard: Tasha! Wait! Picard: This just isn't my day. Picard: AAAAGH! <> ACT 3: Picard: Jennifer: Here, have some mayonnaise. Picard: Where am I? Jennifer: Here! Picard: No thanks. Jennifer: Eat it! It's good for you! Picard: Bleah! Picard: Oh, all right... but only a little! Picard: Is there any way to escape this planet? Jennifer:No! And the replicator's broken! It won't make anything besides mayonnaise! Picard: How horrid! How long have you been living like this? Jennifer: Seven years! Picard: No wonder you're so thin! Jennifer:Yup! When I get out of here I'm gonna sell it as a diet plan and get rich! Picard: It'll beat Nutrasystem all right. Jennifer: Tastes better too. Picard:There's a replicator in the crashed shuttle. Can you go and get it? Jennifer: Alright. <> ACT 4: Worf: I have had it with my ambassador! Riker: I know! Worf: What? Riker: How about a friendly game of Monopoly? Worf: Warriors do not play Monopoly! Ferengi play Monopoly! Warriors go out and kill people with big swords! Riker: Well, why don't you go kill Obnoxious Ambassador with your big sword? Worf: I can't find it. I think Alexander took it to school for Career Day. Riker: A six, Kentucky. Hyper Ambassador: That's mine! Sleepy Ambassador: Zzzzz... Worf: Hey! That's my railroad! Obnoxious Ambassador:It is not! You're just mad because I have all 4! Worf:You have all 4 because you have been cheating! Obnoxious Ambassador: Are you calling me a liar, Klingon? Q: Gimme a W! Gimme an O! Gimme an R! Gimme an F! What does that spell? All: WORF! Obnoxious Ambassador:Ouch! That was most illuminating, thank you. I shall go write my report now. Troi:So what do we do with his properties then? Picard: Why did you lock the door? Jennifer: Because you didn't eat any mayonnaise! Picard: I did too! Jennifer:You spit it out! I saw you! Eat! Eat! Eat! Picard: Back! You mayonnaise maniac! HEEEEEELP! Jennifer: Waaaah! Picard: Bobian Pilot! I thought you were dead! Bobian Pilot:Nope! Hey, I saw a crazy lady run over there. Is she in trouble? Picard: Yes! We've got to go find her! Picard: We can cover twice as much ground if we split up. Bobian Pilot: Alright, see ya. Jennifer: Stop! Or I'll jump! Picard: Stop this! For one thing, it's getting really stupid! For another, how can you have that mayonnaise jar? I broke it! Jennifer:Agh! Bobian Pilot:I see my plan didn't work. Seven years ago, we found a crashed ship on this planet. The logs talked of a woman who had crashed in it and survived on mayonnaise. This was our first encounter with humankind, and we figured that anyone who could live on mayonnaise for seven years was someone that we would want to have as allies. We also sent three ambassadors to your ship to experience other common human emotions, such as oversleep, annoyance, and silliness. Picard:On our world, what you have done would be considered a crime. Bobian Pilot: Crime... hm... Picard: Don't even think about it. Picard: Thank you, that was a most... enlightening experience. Bobian Pilot: Anytime. Hyper Ambassador:(to Troi) Here is some of the food we eat on our planet. It doesn't compare to little tuna sandwiches, but I thought you might find it interesting. Troi: That's all right, I think I've had enough tuna sandwiches for a while. Picard: AAAAH! Ensign Ro: And don't forget to watch "The Rogram!" Rated R for Ro! THE END ==================== STAR TREK COMICOLOGY ==================== by Oxnardus of Borg (continued from RIF #19) Star Trek, Issue #55 (December 1993) "Timecrime" Part 3 Sub-titled "Time...To Time" Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rob Davis; Inker: Arne Starr; Letterer: Bob Pinaha; Colorist: Matt Webb; Cover: Rod Whigham & Carlos Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC Comics. PLOT: Kirk says a painful goodbye to his son, knowing that if his mission is successful, David will be dead. Meanwhile Jaricus and Venitra (the two Romulans remaining in that timeline) discuss the possible results of a successful mission. Jaricus tells Venitra that if that happens, they will "learn from our mistakes." Spock, Jaricus, Venitra, and the "Special Team" beam down to the Guardian's planet. The "Special Team" jump through the Guardian and find themselves 7 centuries into Klingon's home planet's past. The group break up. Sulu and Worf are sent out to find a room with a view. Kirk, McCoy, Uhura and Kor start to look for Khartan and the conspirators from the future who are going to attempt to save Khartan's life. They find him walking through the market square with his chief of security Zorjak at the forefront. Some of the guards push Uhura away, causing Kirk to uphold her honor. Kirk gets arrested. Kor follows Kirk to the jail, while McCoy and Uhura go to look for Worf and Sulu. Meanwhile, Khartan rides by on his horse. Later that day, Kirk is taken from the dungeon to see Khartan. Seems Khartan wants to apologize for arresting him and the actions of his guards (a nice Klingon? That settles it! This guy IS dead meat). They hit it off very well and soon they are drinking wine and discussing airplane designs. Kirk then meets up with his loyal crew who are patiently waiting for him outside the dungeon/government administration building. They stand around and try to figure out keeps Khartan from dying by Zorjak's plans (which is the **PROPER** timeline event!). Zorjak then comes over to Kirk, is rude and then with a detail of his security guards walks over to a carriage which then blows up. Zorjak and his detail are killed. Bummed out by the fact that they did not protect the people who were supposed to kill Khartan, the "Special Team" conjecture that Zorjak's death may not have hindered the conspiracy, especially since they did not know whether Zorjak actually did the killing. They do establish that the explosion was caused by the time bandits since the explosive used was a Klingon explosive that was designed in the 22nd century. That starts them thinking that it may have been a Klingon plot or someone who wants them to think it was a Klingon plot. Then Kirk notices that Worf is no longer with them. Worf runs to the top of a building and gives Khartan a full phaser shot in the chest (talk about prime directive and time travel problems!!!!). With the deed done, the "Special Team" returns through the Guardian only to find that the Romulan Empire still does not exist!!!! The Romulans observing get pretty peeved at Kirk. Venitra yells, "Kirk! You'll pay for this treachery!" COVER: Kirk and Sulu are still in Klingon battle garb but this time they have six shooters drawn (not like blades held loftily as in issue #54!) and they are standing (posed for firing) in the foreground of an angry, with hands clenched and forearms raised, Klingon with a spiked dog collar around his neck. He is balding and I have no idea who he is in the book (and they were doing so well too in keeping the covers depicting what was in the book!). Words on cover say: "Star Trek. The Gods be with the Peacemaker-- for today he must die!" COMMENTS: As all interior segments of a serial, this issue moves the plot but resolves nothing. The question of who would benefit from this timeline change is raised. Both Klingons and Romulans have been implicated, and yet even those possibilities leave a lot to be desired. Furthermore, they killed Khartan, and the timeline is still messed up! It's enough to make you want to stop trusting the Guardian of Forever. Issues #56 & 57 next month! ================= NEXT MONTH IN RIF ================= TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 1 HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 2 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: Linterface [Interface] TNG 255 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN, Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address. Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF (and insure your copy of RIF one week prior to e- mail subscriptions!), please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given below). BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): Phone Name City ST SysOp ----------------------------------------------------------------- (206) 472-1845 RIPCITY Tacoma WA Ripley (405) 282-4676 THE Q CONTINUUM OK The Q (604) 574-1523 U.S.S. NEXUS BBS B.C. CAN Admiral Kirk (607) 777-4866 SUNY-BBS Binghamton NY Drew Halasz (616) 381-1124 THE X-FACTOR Kalamazoo MI Lord Vader (617) 864-3375 BCSM BBS Boston MA J. M. Tretakoff (618) 746-0916 THE ACCESS BBS Scott AFB IL C. Claybaugh (805) 854-2478 DA WARREN Arvin CA L. Richardson (805) 933-1345 QUACKIN' UP Santa Paula CA Jeff Mercer (805) 987-5506 THE REALM Camarillo CA Musical ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark and the holders of the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy trademarks and copyrights as having sole rights to theirs. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon any copyright or earn profit from this publication. The same is declared as to Hitch-HIker's Guide to the Galaxy. RIF is distributed free of charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about June 1, 1994. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or Swannox at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ============================ BACK ISSUES OF RIF AVAILABLE ============================ Missing an issue? Just e-mail Oxnardus which issue you want. we shall endeavor to send it out to you as soon as time permits. This is a volunteer outfit so it may take one day, it may take thirty days...but rest assured, you shall receive it! The requested issue will be sent to you via InterNet or Genie e-mail. If you do not have access to InterNet or any InterNet gateways, just send $2.00 per issue (for handling and postage) to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031. Please indicate which issue you desire. All back issues are available! ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm; MajorBBS: Narda@fnz; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn [->1542]; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 7822, Oxnard, CA 93031 RIPLEY: Editor, Big Cahuna West Coast. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity BBS: Ripley. SWANNOX: Editor, Big Cahuna East Coast. Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6; Internet: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu; Prodigy: JPRN49A CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478 David T Lu: unknown Mickey McCarter: Internet: mickey@brahms.udel.edu Sean Keane: Internet: sean@gspring.com; RIME: Sean Keane [->467] David Webb: Internet: dwebb@vax1.umkc.edu Jake Bourne: Internet: cs_d575@king.ac.uk Olympius of Borg: Internet: juliaellen@aol.com; AOL: juliaellen D. Germans: Internet: dgermans@cs.vu.nl