_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 [This address will no longer be available after 09/01/94] THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 22 July 01 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THE PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Things Noticed in All Good Things.... BORG SINGALONG: WE are the Borg TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 1 "*" BORG FILLER: Swedish Chef of Borg HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 3 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: Spambit Part 1 of 2 [Gambit] TNG #256 UPCOMING IN RIF Editorial Notices Copyright Notices Solicitations for next newsletter Addresses of contributors =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== As of the date of writing this pesky item (July 23, 1994), I have no idea whether this issue (RIF #22, July 01 1994, aka 0794A) will be released August 1st, August 15th, or even Sept. 1st. I apologize for the delay and I appreciate your patience. I am writing this at the 24 hour Kinko's in Seattle, Washington, located at 2nd and Union. The fact that I am here, in the midst of what might be a major thunderstorm, eight blocks away from my dry, warm hotel room, and paying $10 an hour for the privilege of writing this, should attest to my DEDICATION to RIF. 'Nuff said on that (in other words, please no complaints about HOW LATE THIS ISSUE IS). Since I know you are all DYING to know why this issue (issues? heh heh heh) is late, I will spill the proverbial beans. And no, as much as I regret to say it, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH O.J. SIMPSON. I am merely in a revealing mood. The causes for the delay were threefold. First, computer problems and just plain old bad luck made it impossible for me to send out issues #22 and 23 early. Second, I was in the early stages of implementing a "failsafe" backup system so that RIF would NEVER be late even if I or my computer were incapacitated. However, disaster stuck not only Jupiter, but me as well, and the backup plan was too much a puppy to work. I beg for the usual thousand pardons. Third, and finally, THE REAL REASON: I accepted an offer of employment which required five weeks of training (one week in San Jose, CA starting June 27th; four weeks in Seattle, WA, starting July 5th). ALSO, this employment requires me to move to...um... Bakersfield, CA. (hey! how does Bakersfieldus of Borg sound? too pretentious?). I begin work there on August 1st. Anyone with simple math skills can figure out that I will have exactly two days and a half to get me and my family moved from Oxnard CA to Bakersfield CA. Ever try to find an apartment in Bakersfield when in Seattle? It ain't pretty. ANYWAYS my appointment book is darn packed, not to mention the handicap of being without a monitor. Therefore, if I do not find access to a computer with a modem in August, I will have to wait to send this out in September, of which time I anticipate having enough big american bucks to replace my currently deceased monitor. Let me tell you, internet is cheaper than therapy....um... I think. REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING, we have such a busy issue this month that Comic Comicology has been bumped to next month. All you people waiting anxiously for the conclusion of Star Trek, Issue #57 (February 1994), well, just wait longer! However, we did find time to unbump what we bumped in the last issue: the Tribble Taglines--not as cool as the borg ones, but still fun. This was supposedly the first issue to kick off the bi-monthly run of RIF for the next six months. Now it will probably be double issues for the next seven months. Nevertheless, the fiction of this being released on July 01, 1994 will be maintained, and the next issue, RIF #23, shall have the date of July 15, 1994, and so on, until WE ARE ALL CAUGHT UP!!!!! Hopefully, all inner harmony and balance will be restored no later than September 1994. Thank you once again for your patience. As you know, I only exist through RIF and your collective consciousness. ---Oxnardus (aka Bakersfieldus, but currently Seattleus) [Aside: Saw a t-shirt which had a picture of Sylvester, the Warner brothers cartoon cat on it. Underneath his face was the word "Theattle". Again, 'nuff said?] The next issue of RIF will be released before hell freezes over. ======================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED ======================= by Swannox of Borg Things Noticed in All Good Things.... ------------------------------------- [The Final ST:TNG for those under a rock] VOL 1 (give me time..I get bored one night, and Vol 2 will be born!) WARP 13! WHAT THE **** WAS THAT! Um..Excuse me Mr. Berman..I know you're a busy man an all, with your busy schedule..BUT COULD YOU AT LEAST READ YOUR OWN **** TECH MANUAL NOW AND THEN!!!! COME ON!! AND I QUOTE! Page 55, Star Trek The Next Generation Technical Manual: "Second, we had to work with Gene's recalibration, which put Warp 10 at the absolute top of the scale." To sum up the rest of the page..It says that Warp 10 is the fastest..so alien's like Q and others like, move at 9.9999+ in the Warp range. "Warp 10, the exponent (and the speed) would be infinite" thus..anything 10 and above..and you could tour the whole galaxy in a couple of months. HERE'S ONE FOR THE BORG DEEP THOUGHTS..Like if Picard never knew that the anomaly was happening in the past...and never knew that the anomaly was happening in the future..how could he have opened that sucker without Q putting him there! Oh well, It's just a TV show. Ok..Do I call Beverly Captain or Doctor or Captain Doctor Picard .. or Doctor Captain Picard...etc. etc. etc. Federation Cloaking Device..uh..wasn't that like against some treaty..oops sorry, forgot, Klingon's defeated the Romulans ..never mind. You mean Riker Actually became a Captain in some point of his life? Wasn't that Medical Ship like the first ever starship built, just with different warp engines? ADMIRAL TOMALOK..HEY..LIKE ISN'T HE SUPPOSED TO BE ON BABYLON 5? CHIEF O'BRIEN..HEY..LIKE ISN'T HE SUPPOSED TO BE ON DS9..oh, heard this joke already. Here's a Question, How many more Time Anomaly's can we come up with to bring Tasha Yar Back? Geordi actually asked a female out for a date..and got married ..or is his marriage to Leah all just one big Holodeck Hoax? Was that third warp engine added because Riker gained weight in the future and the Enterprise just couldn't move? ================ BORG SING-A-LONG ================ WE ARE THE BORG --------------- Tune of "We Are The World" We are the Borg, We are the Collective, We are the ones who make a darker day, So let's start killin'. We're assimilating, We're taking all your lives, It's true, let's make a darker day for you and us. ---Michael Franz =================================== TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE =================================== Part One -------- * <- Tribble . <- Tribble after Jenny Craig * <- Tribble . <- A wet Tribble * <- Tribble . <- TRIBBLE.ZIP * <- Tribble . <- A wet tribble : <-- 2 wet tribbles * <- Tribble . <- Tribble after Jenny Craig * <- Tribble ! <- Tribble course 180 Mark 0 Warp 6 * <- Tribble ! <- Surprised tribble * <- Tribble ! <- Tribble squashed by combat boot. * <- Tribble !*! <- Tribble Skiing * <- Tribble ? <- Tribble in midlife crisis * <- Tribble ? <- Tribble discussing quantum mechanics * <- Tribble "*..*" <- Tribble family portrait * <- Tribble `*' <- Andorian Tribble * <- Tribble (*) <- Copyrighted Tribble * <- Tribble (*) <- Tribble with shields up * <- Tribble {{:-(*) <- Klingon eating a Tribble * <- Tribble $ <- The Donald Tribble * <- Tribble <- Tribble doing jumping jacks * <- Tribble + <- Positive Tribble * <- Tribble + <- Tribble on a diet. * <- Tribble * <- His Evil Tribble Twin, Skippy * <- Tribble */^ <- Tribble tipping hat * <- Tribble * <- Odo disguised as a tribble * <- Tribble */ <- Tribble Olympics: Fencing * <- Tribble --*--¯ <- Tribble at Custers last stand. * <- Tribble * <- Tribble disguised as an asterisk * <- Tribble */ \* <- Tribbles swordfighting * <- Tribble */ <- Tribble with a lightsabre * <- Tribble * <- Upside-Down Tribble. * <- Tribble *ý <- Squared tribble * <- Tribble ,*, <- Tribble with legs showing * <- Tribble -*-*-*-*- <- Tribble kabob. * <- Tribble -*-*-*- <- Tribble chain. * <- Tribble * <- Upside-Down Tribble. * <- Tribble *ý <- Squared tribble * <- Tribble */ <- Tribble bandleader! * <- Tribble */^ <- Tribble tipping hat * <- Tribble *.. <- Tribble droppins * <- Tribble *..... <- Tribble Mother and Young * <- Tribble *.* <- Bynar Tribble * <- Tribble *! ú <- Tribble playing baseball. * <- Tribble *' <- Tribble with an attitude * <- Tribble *} - | <- Tribble Archery * <- Tribble *$ <- Tribble leaving the bank * <- Tribble *^ <- Tribble Praying * <- Tribble /*\ <- Tribble on crutches * <- Tribble *\\ <- Tribble Going Skiing * <- Tribble *L. ô <- Tribble playing golf * <- Tribble *Ù <- Tribble Snorkelling * <- Tribble *¿ <- Grandpa Tribble with his cane * <- Tribble ,*ô <- Tribble peg-leg with cane * <- Tribble ^ <- Tribble splattered against ceiling * <- Tribble ^*^ <- Count Tribbula * <- Tribble ^*^ <- BatTribble * <- Tribble ^*^ <- Vulcan Tribble * <- Tribble ^“^ <- Viking Tribble * <- Tribble <-ì-> <- Darth Tribble in Tie Fighter * <- Tribble <- Cloaked Tribble * <- Tribble = <- Tribble after laying on RR tracks * <- Tribble. ===#=== <- Tribble Roadkill. * <- Tribble >* <- Romulan tribble * <- Tribble % <- Siamese twin baby tribbles * <- Tribble # <- Tribble After Borg Assimilation * <- Tribble # <- Electrocuted Tribble * <- Tribble @ <- Tribble in a whirlpool * <- Tribble @ <- Tribble with a bad perm. * <- Tribble \*/ |* * *ï <- Teenage Mutant Tribbles * <- Tribble \*/ <- Tribble giving up to mugger * <- Tribble _ <- drunk tribble * <- Tribble _ <- Tribble vs. Godzilla * <- Tribble _ <--- Tribble stepped on. * <- Tribble _*_ <- Tribble Bozo. * <- Tribble __*\_|-|_/*_ <- Tribbles polevaulting. * <- Tribble | <- Bulemic Tribble * <- Tribble | <- tribble on starship w/o gravity * <- Tribble |_*_| <- Housebroken Tribble * <- Tribble ~ <- Tribble toupee. * <- Tribble ~ <- Tribble struck by lightning * <- Tribble é <- Tribble at a Weight Watchers meeting * <- Tribble é <- Tribble after big dinner * <- Tribble é <- Tribble after Biology lab * <- Tribble å <- Baby Tribble with bottle * <- Tribble å* <- Cowboy Tribble with lariat * <- Tribble í <- Tribble with a hula hoop * <- Tribble è <- Tribble in cap and gown * <- Tribble è <- Tribble Sandwich * <- Tribble ê <- Tribble on Stilts * <- Tribble o <- Bald Tribble * <- Tribble o <- Tribble with a haircut. * <- Tribble o <- Jean Luc Tribble * <- Tribble o <- Fat Tribble * <- Tribble O <- Really Fat Tribble * <- Tribble O <- Pregnant Tribble * <- Tribble ™ <- Alien Tribble * <- Tribble o*o <- Tribble bicycling * <- Tribble oð oð oð <- Tribbles listening to rock music. * <- Tribble ”ð <- Tribble on a windy day. * <- Tribble [*] <- Tribble wearing headphones * <- Tribble Å <- Dead Tribble (RIP) * <- Tribble  <- Happy Tribble * <- Tribble ù <- Baby Tribble * <- Tribble ô <- Tribble Unrolled * <- Tribble ° <- Tribble in Transporter * <- Tribble ù <-Tribble after a close shave * <- Tribble ì <- Tribble Reproducing * <- Tribble ð <- McTribble sandwich * <- Tribble  <- Tribble in Love * <- Tribble ÷ <- Tribble with a Wave * <- Tribble ° <- Tribble in the mist * <- Tribble þ <- Tribble with a headache * <- Tribble ® <- Tribble Running * <- Tribble ° <- Tribble that didn't make it * <- Tribble ° - Tribble beaming up * <- Tribble ù Tribble.ZIP (v1.10) ú Tribble.ZIP (v2.04) * <- Tribble ®*¯ <- Sergeant tribble * <- Tribble Ó*½ <- terrifying flying tribble =========== BORG FILLER =========== I am the Swedish Chef of Borg: re-borg-ska-borg is flurb-telborg. You will-blee-skee-dee assi-borg-ska-blorp... --Elena Aquitaine Leonoff ==================================================== HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 3 of 8 ==================================================== by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter SCENE 5: [On the Enterprise, everything is slowly returning to normal. Continental plates are again forming on the forehead of Worf. Picard is rapidly losing his hair and his shade of blue, and Troi's third breast is fast melting away, much to her, and Riker's, silent disappointments.] [Meanwhile, the Borg has left the sector in a rather confused state of a collectively irrelevant whale existence.] Worf: Burp. Picard: Your report, Mr. Data. Data: It appears that an improbability field was created by the Heart of Gold, which caused the Borg to turn into the sperm whale, and everything else that happened here on the Enterprise as well. Including, sir, your existence as a small blue ... Picard: Yes, yes, Data. And where is the Heart of Gold? Worf: Sir, the Heart of Gold has materialized in Shuttle Bay Three. Should I send over a security team? Picard: Prisoners! Good, I've always wanted some. Worf, Data, come with me. You have the bridge, Number One. [Worf and Data starts to follow Picard into the turbo-lift.] Picard: Prisoners ... perhaps I will read them some of my favorite Shakespearean performances. [Worf paused in his tracks like a waiter with five trays on each arm suddenly stopped by a very merry and potentially high-tipping grandmother holding out the fifty photographs of her twenty grandchildren, and asking him, very nicely, if he would like to see her pictures.] Worf: Shakespeare, sir? Picard: Yes, Mr. Worf. William Shakespeare was a sixteenth century Earth playwrite. One of the most talented ... Worf: I am familiar with Shakespeare, sir. Permission to remain on the bridge, sir, in case the Borg returns. Picard: But Worf, I don't believe you've heard me do Anthony of Julius Caesar before. (clears throat) Friends, Romans, countrymen! Worf: In fact, sir, I *have* heard you do Anthony of Julius Caesar. Picard: Oh. Well, come along anyway. Maybe I'll do one of Hamlet's soliloquys. [Worf followed Picard and Data into the turbo-lift, first with great hesitation, then with a re-newed sense of Klingon's enjoyment for pain and suffering.] Worf: Yes, sir. Data: I, sir, have always being intrigued by your fascination with Shakespeare. Picard: Ah, well. You see, Data, Shakespeare ... [The doors of the turbo-lift closed on them with a sigh of a job well done. Worf took a deep breath, vastly expanding his chest, and with great difficulty refrained himself from breaking Data's rather stiff neck with a snap of his own rather stiff fingers. Ah ... he sighed deeply to himself. This is going to be even better than the Age of Ascension Ceremony that he went through a couple staryears ago on the holodeck, courtesy of Data, Geordi, and Wes. No fake and cowardly computer imageries this time. This, he thought happily, is going to be _real_ pain.] [Commercials for ... you guessed it! The Cybernetic Corporation's Happy Vertical People Transporter with the _newest_, the _expanded_, and the _vastly improved_ ... Genuine People Personality*! It will add a human touch to _any_ starship! Order yours, today! *For a limited time only, two backup personalities of your choice are included _free_ with a purchase of five or more personalities! Ask a Cybernetic Corporation's dealer near you!] SCENE 6: [In Shuttle Bay Three, Picard, Data, Worf, and a team of security personnels have surrounded the Heart of Gold.] Picard: All right, open up! We know you're in there, and we've got you surrounded! Worf: Permission to kick the door in, sir. Picard: No, Lieutenant. We must act like civilized Starfleet officers. (coughs) "In civility thou seem'st so empty", Mr. Worf. Data: Ah, Captain. _As You Like It_, Act Two. Spoken by, I believe, Duke Senior. Picard: You're quite correct, Mr. Data. [Worf had a sudden vision of Picard running and screaming from his burning quarters, with twenty sweetly poisoned Klingon Death-O-Shot crossbow arrows protruding from his back, and Data running closely behind, informing him on exactly how much longer before the poisons will take effect, whether he will die first due to loss of blood, what kind of psychological impacts that the arrows will likely to have on his subconscious, and then lightly comment on the fact that he is acting quite uncivilized for a Starfleet Captain.] [Shaking himself into reality, he is suddenly relieved by the fact that both Picard and Data are standing on the other side of the Heart of Gold from him.] Worf: My apologies, sir. It's just that I've got myself all worked up. [He is desperately hoping that the occupants of the ship in front of him will give themselves up real soon, so that he can show them just how uncivilized he really is.] [Meanwhile, in the Heart of Gold, Zaphod and company have finally activated the external cameras without Eddie ...] Arthur: I think we're surrounded. Zaphod: Nice observation, Monkey Man. Arthur: What happened to that guy's head? Zaphod: He's a Klingon, dumbo. [Arthur is relieved that he is still being insulted. Even though he has no idea what is going on, at least he is still in familiar territory.] Ford: So, how 'bout we break out some Blast-O-Zap's, and shoot our ways outta here. Trillian: I think we should surrender. Ford: That was my second idea. Arthur: Good thinking. Zaphod: I was gonna show them who they're dealing with, but seeing that I'm out-voted here, and it would take much too much energy for me to do it all along ... well, all right, we'll let them have their fun, just for now. [The loading platform of the Heart of Gold swings open, and the crew walks out into the circle of the Enterprise security, arms above the heads.] Picard: (straightening his uniform, of course) I am Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise. I demand to know what on the Enterprise are you doing in my Shuttle Bay Three! Zaphod: Captain Picard. Do you have any idea who you are speaking to? Picard: (taken aback) Err..., no. Zaphod: Count my heads, Picard. Picard: Well, you have two heads. Zaphod: Very good, Picard. And how many arms do I have? Picard: You have three arms. Data: Captain, only one man in the galaxy has two heads and three arms. Picard: Yes ... Zaphod Beeblebrox the First, President of the United Federation of Planets! Zaphod: That's right, dude. You're looking at the very froody Zaphod Beeblebrox. The one and only. Data: _Former_ President, Captain. We have just received an emergency all-channel sub-etha broadcast announcing his theft of the Federation's newest starship, the Heart of Gold. The broadcast also includes an arrest order for Mr. Beeblebrox. Ford: Oh, Zarquons! Worf: (beaming happily) An arrest! (this is working out better than Worf had hoped) May I interrogate them, sir? Picard: Well, he _was_ the President. Worf: But they are prisoners now, sir. Picard: All right, interrogate them if you must. Ask them what they want to drink. [Worf takes a deep breath, expanding his chest tremendously. He walks around the crew of the Heart of Gold, eyeing them through the corner of his eyes. His lips are shut in a tight, thin line. He examines every square centimeter of every person up and down, in great detail, stopping at Trillian a little longer than the others.] Worf: (barks) All right, you scums! (taking both of Zaphod's two chins in his two hands and turning both of his heads to him) Look at me when I'm talking to you, you no-good, stinking, son-of-a-Purmusian jungle turtle with ... Picard: Relax, Lieutenant. Worf: (takes another deep breath) Yes, sir. (turning back to Zaphod, he barks) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK ??!! Zaphod: Well, I can sure use some Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters. Worf: WITH ICE OR WITHOUT ???!!! Zaphod: Without. I like it straight. Worf: LEMON ????!!!! Zaphod: Yeah. Give me two slices. Worf: (turning to Ford) AND YOU??!! Ford: Oh, the same, please. But can you put one of those Pogolarian snow lizards in mine? Worf: I AM THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS !!!!!!! Picard: Lieutenant ... Worf: (turning to Arthur) AND WHAT DO YOU WANT, MONKEY MAN??!! Arthur: Do you have any tea? Worf: WHAT!!!! Data: Tea, Worf. I believe Geordi is working on some right now. [Suddenly, the red-alert siren echoes through the ship.] Riker: (over the intercom) Captain Picard to the bridge! Picard: (hitting his communications pin) On my way. (to the security) Take these gentlemen and the lady to our Presidential Detention Suite. Make sure you show them how to use the jacuzzi. Ensign 1: Yes, sir! Will Arthur finally be able to get his tea? Did Worf just narrowly escaped another one of Picard's Shakespeare performances? Will the Enterprise send Zaphod to (gasp!) the Total Perspective Vortex on Frogstar? And finally, will Deanna add a third breast to herself surgically? Don't miss the next month's exciting episode of ... The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation! ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions proudly presents "Spambit. Part 1" A parody of ST:TNG's "Gambit, Part 1" TNG Production # 256 By Leonard Richardson TEASER: Troi: Have you seen a man that looks like this? Troi: What are these? Styracian: Pictures of me not lying! See, this one was taken on Stardate 42784.6, before my haircut, and this one... Troi: You're no help! Riker: I know you've seen him! Yarib: Oh, is it that obvious? Riker: Yes! I can tell by your tone of voice! Yarib: Oh OK, I've seen him. He was over there, eating dinner, when suddenly some crazy people came in and started beating him up. Riker: What happened?! Yarib: Riker: Oops. Troi: Quick! Find another Yarib before the viewers notice! Crusher: There aren't any other ones! Riker: We'll just have to use this one! Troi: But he's dead! Riker: We'll think up a daring plan! Troi: I thought we needed Geordi or Data for all the daring plans. Riker: We don't HAVE to have them, it's just that they never do anything so we give them all the lines we can! Worf, come over here and lip-sync the Yarib's part! Riker: What happened?! Worf: They shot him with some kind of Spam ray! He melted! That's all I know! I swear! Riker: Normally I'd beat you up and then go sleep with some ensigns, but since you're already dead there isn't much point. Troi: He's telling the truth! Riker: Of course I am! Troi: No, I meant the Yarib. Riker: Oh. Worf: Well, that wasn't very dramatic. Crusher: Nope. Worf: We want to go into the first commercial with a cliffhanger! Riker: Right! Hey Worf, I'll arm-wrestle you! Worf: OK. <> Riker: Ow! Worf: OK, that's over with, now let's get back to the ship. Troi: Hello. Riker: Hi. Troi: What's on your mind? Riker: Did you get Worf's contract or something? Troi: No, I just like to say "What's on your mind?" It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. What's on your mind? Riker: Picard isn't dead! Troi: Yeah he is! Riker: No he's not! Troi: How do you know? Riker: Um... er... Troi: You've been reading ahead in the script, haven't you! Riker: No! I haven't! Really! Troi: That only spoils the surprise for other people! Shame on you! Riker: Troi: I'm going to have to spank you now! Riker: Really? Troi: Yeah, as soon as this RUDE CAMERAPERSON leaves! Geordi: Hi, Mom! Worf: She's dead already! Come to terms with it! Geordi: No! She somehow survived and is watching the show right now! Mom! Geordi: She's in danger! Worf: Those are OUR alarms, stupid! Data, what's happening? Data: There is a little tiny ship going away from us at high warp. Worf: Hardly something to use the alarms on. Data: No, but it got everybody's attention. The ship is the one with Captain Picard on it! Worf: He's dead too! Am I the only one that knows who's dead and who isn't? Data: Captain Picard isn't dead! Worf: How do you know? Data: Er.... Troi: Right! Data! In here! Geordi: Riker! Get out here and help us! Riker: Go away! Geordi: But that ship has Captain Picard on it! Troi: How do YOU know? Geordi: Um... Data told me. Riker: Okay, gimme a couple minutes to get dre-- ready. Troi: You're not going anywhere! Riker: I've learned my lesson! I'll never look ahead in the script again! Troi: Good, 'cause next time you do I'm gonna tie you to a chair and show you "Full House" reruns! Riker: NO! Not THAT! 3-CP0: Ugh! How horrid! Geordi: Look! He's starting to act like Picard! We'd better get him back fast! Riker: Yeah, before I start losing my hair! Ensign Olivia, plot an intercept course for the little tiny ship, maximum warp. Ensign Olivia: Yes sir. Riker: That was quick. Data: Apparantly, the ship was not travelling at as high a warp as I estimated. Riker: How fast was it travelling? Data: Er... it stopped some time ago. Sensors indicate a lot of people beamed down onto a planet. Riker: Why didn't you tell me in the first place? Data: Geez, let me have SOME secrets! Riker: And what about all those lab animals that have been mysteriously exploding all of a sudden? Huh? Data: Riker: I'm relieving you of data, Mr. Duty! You are-- No, wait a minute. I'm relieving you of duty, Mr. Data! You are obviously incapable of performing your datas-- DUTIES as a bridge officer! Riker: AAAAAAAAAAAGH! Geordi: Oh no, not again. Troi: Who's next? Worf: Data! Geordi: Data's the new captain! Data: (to the audience) Isn't this a lot like politics? Troi: Did you know that by the time I'm finished saying this we'll be at 150 lines, and we've only had 1 stupid Spam joke in the whole parody? All: SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM LOVELY SPAM, WONDERFUL SPAM... <> Riker: Picard! Picard: Who? Where? Bokbarian: Hey, he does look kinda like Picard! Picard: (to Riker) Now you've done it! (to everybody) Um... I'm... his evil twin! Bokbarian: Yeah, but will that bring in the big ratings? Picard: Why not? Lore was a big hit! Bokbarian: It doesn't matter now! Riker is now on OUR side! Riker: Don't I get a say in this? Bokbarian: No! You see that thing on your neck? Riker: How can I see it, it's on my neck. Bokbarian: (ignoring him) It's a sitcom inducer! By just pushing this button I can stimulate that part of the brain that makes you think you're watching sitcoms! Riker: AAAAARGH! THE WALLS ARE CRAWLING WITH MICHELLE TANNERS! AAAAH! Picard: Hey, I thought this was the "Make-fun-of-Spam" parody, not the "Make-fun-of-sitcoms" parody! Bokbarian: It's ALWAYS the "Make-fun-of-sitcoms" parody! Picard: Well, we haven't made fun of Spam an awful lot this parody. I say we kill Riker! Bokbarian: Why? Picard: Because I'm so evil! I say we feed him SPAM! Riker: Well, that was really lame. Bokbarian: I agree! We'll do that only if we get REALLY desperate! Romulan Girl: Hey Bokbarian, what planet should we go to now? Bokbarian: (to Picard) Have you found any yoyodyte in any of the Spam we've stolen so far? Picard: Nope. Bokbarian: ARGH! Well, let's go to Calicite IV. Picard: All the Spam on Calicite IV is protected in vaults! It's not like all the other planets where it was in 7-11's and we could just walk in and steal it! Bokbarian: How do you know so much about Calicite IV? Picard: I used to work there! But I got fired when they caught me taking double coupons! Bokbarian: We'll think of something! Plot a course for Calicite IV! Picard: I'm sorry Will... I don't know what came over me. I was eating dinner and everything just went crazy! Riker: What were you eating for dinner? Was it... Both: SPAM! Picard: OH NO! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?!? Riker: It's okay, call the Spam Abuse hotline at 1-900-ATE-SPAM and they'll have you feeling better soon. Picard: But I only ate a bit! Bokbarian: Hey! What was that!?! Where'd that sixteen-ton weight come from? Riker: It's... er... my pet sixteen-ton weight. Bokbarian: You Starfleet types are REALLY weird! <> Riker: Wait a minute! Boringperson was a-- Boringperson (on screen): Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Bokbarian: Great, now we'll never get the vaults open. Fire on the supermarkets! Picard: No! If we emit a spamionic pulse, it'll open the vaults long enough for us to beam all the Spam out! Bokbarian: Make it so! Picard: Bokbarian: It's a good thing you didn't say anything, if you did I woulda thought you were the REAL Picard! Picard: The vaults are open! Bokbarian: Beam it up! Picard: The vaults are closed again! Bokbarian: AGH! There's still 3 more cans on the surface! FIRE! Bokbarian: AGH! The Enterprise! Hail them! All: HUH?!?! Acting Captain Julie: Everyone else disappeared! Poof! Bokbarian: This is REALLY stupid! I'm not going to have a starship commanded by a six-year-old in the only parody I'm gonna make an appearance in! Fire on the Enterprise! Picard: But the Enterprise ALWAYS wins! Bokbarian: So what? It'll make this a 2-parter! Picard: Brilliant! Caption: TO BE CONTINUED... Auctioneer: And here we have an exclusive painting of the final frame of "Spambit, Part I." What am I bid for this? Auctioneer: One dollar? Auctioneer: Fifty cents? Someone in the Audience: Is that frame real wood? Auctioneer: Yup. Someone in the Audience: Fifty cents! Auctioneer: Fifty cents once... fifty cents twice... sold for fifty cents. Someone in the Audience: Hey, it's cheaper than firewood. Auctioneer: And here's the next item on the block, a genuine WORF NOSTRIL! Next month... Spambit, part 2! Stay tuned! =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED NOT: Borgish Answering Machine Messages BORG SING-A-LONG: Borg Laundromat Song TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 2 "* * *" HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION Part 4 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: Spambit, Part 2 of 2 [Gambit] TNG #257 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY: Star Trek, Issue #56 (January 1994) ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN, Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. 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Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile will be released sometime before hell freezes over. Send submissions to Oxnardus or Ripley at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm; MajorBBS: Narda@fnz; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn [->1542] RIPLEY: Editor. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity BBS: Ripley. THE Q: Editor Trainee. Internet: jdetommaso@nvn.com; Prodigy: TSXW58B; NVN: JDETOMMASO; FidoNet: Jake DeTommaso @ 1:147/74. CORRESPONDENTS: -------------- SWANNOX: Internet: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu; Prodigy: JPRN49A; Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6. Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478; Internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com. David T Lu: Internet: lulu@ucrmath.ucr.edu Mickey McCarter: mickey@brahms.udel.edu CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ Elena Aquitaine Leonoff: Internet: ELENA=LEONOFF%SOVIET%UNIMELB@MUWAYE.UNIMELB.EDU.AU Michael Franz: Internet: y0000085@ws.rz.tu-bs.de