_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** P.O. Box 7822 Oxnard, CA 93031 [This address will no longer be available after 09/01/94] THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 23 July 15 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED NOT: Borgish Answering Machine Messages BORG SING-A-LONG: Borg Laundromat Song TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 2 "* * *" HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 4 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: Spambit, Part 2 of 2 [Gambit] TNG #257 STAR TREK COMICOLOGY: Star Trek, Issue #56 (January 1994) UPCOMING IN RIF Editorial Notices Copyright Notices Solicitations for next newsletter Back issues of RIF available Addresses of contributors =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Seems like just yesterday I was doing this. GADZOOKS! It was yesterday! Yes, we here at Muppets Laboratories are working day and night to insure that RIF gets caught up with its production schedule. I was hoping to get RIF #24 out tonight, but *AS WE ALL KNOW* if wishes were horses beggars would ride. Oh well. Someday, we will all get caught up, no? To those hanging on my last pesky intro from the last issue, I am writing this July 30, 1994. I am in Oxnard (Oxnard, O Oxnard, you have been kind to me). I start my **NEW** job in Bakersfield tomorrow. As shocking as it may seem, I do have a life outside of RIF and Star Trek Mania. As we slowly creep to normalcy, I again thank EVERYONE for their patience and fortitude during this recent dramatic RIF crisis. This transition time will not be long...I hope. When I have a kosher P.O. Box in BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA, I will put it in the newsletter, even though I know every one would prefer me to keep publishing an out-of-date P.O. Box for nostalgia's sake. We have some great parodies coming up in the next year or so, so PLEASE stay tuned. Don't let these minor inconsistencies irk you. Okay? Just go get a cuppa of whatever, sit back, and enjoy. This issue we have some practical material (text to liven up your boring answering machine message; tribble taglines for all occasions; and a song parody to sing while in the shower), some solid parodies (part four of the fascinating ST:TNG/HitchHikers Guide to the Galaxy crossover; and the exciting conclusion to Spambit -- a parody on the ST:TNG episode Gambit Part 2), and, last but not least, a vastly over-rated review of a Star Trek (Original) comic from wayback by yours truly. This...and more? You decide. --Oxnardus/Bakersfieldus/Outtolunchus ================================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! ================================= [While Swannox of Borg is on hiatus from the grueling pressures of writing YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED, we will run instead, YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! Guess columnists will be invited to strut their stuff.] Borgish Answering Machine Messages ---------------------------------- Greetings. You have reached the answering machine of the Borg collective. We are all out assimilating right now, and cannot take your call. It is assumed you know what information we require. We will get back to you when we have assimilated your planet. This message cube will self-destruct in one minute, so please be brief. We are the Borg. Death is irrelevant. That last bit is based on the following chant, overheard at a Trek convention somewhere in Iowa: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Oedipus. I killed my father. I want to die. We are the Borg. Death is irrelevant. --Hilius of Borg (Prodigy JKSR53D) ================ BORG SING-A-LONG ================ BORG LAUNDROMAT SONG -------------------- WE CAN DO YOUR SCOOTER WINDOWS WE CAN DANCE AND SING AND WHEN IT'S SAID AND DONE WE'LL GET YOUR IMPLANTS CLEAN WE ALL KNOW THE COST IS CHEAP GIVE US DIRTY LAUNDRY WE RUN A SMOOTH OPERATION ARE YOUR CLOTHES HERE YET? YOU KNOW WE BORGS IN THE BIG CUBE COME AS DIRTY AS THEY GET GET YOUR PANTS 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL SET GIVE US DIRTY LAUNDRY SEE THE BORG IN THE CASINO SITTING ALL ALONE WHILE ALL THE OTHERS WISH THAT HE'D LEAVE TOWN QUICK BEFORE THEY HOSE HIM DOWN GIVE US DIRTY LAUNDRY BRING US YOUR HEAD GEAR WE CAN PRESS YOUR SEAMS WE CAN MAKE JUST 'BOUT ANY STAIN COME CLEAN WHETHER IT'S SAUCE OR SOUR CREAM GIVE US DIRTY LAUNDRY SLUSH SLUSH, SLOSH SLOSH SLUSH SLUSH, SLOSH SLOSH --Tricius of Borg =================================== TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE =================================== Part Two -------- * * * <- Tribbles ó*ò ó*ò ó*ò <-Tribbles w/ leg * * * <- Tribbles <*> <- Sergeant tribble, their leader * * * <- Tribbles <- Tribbles in the dark. * * * <- Tribbles <- Cloaked tribbles * * * <- Tribbles _ _ _ <- after fight with Godzilla * * * <- Tribbles ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ <- Tribbles in heaven * * * <- Tribbles ë ë ë <- Snake Tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles ë ë ë <- Hari Krishna tribbles * * * <- Tribbles à à à <- Fish tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles *' *' *' Tribbles with an attitude * * * <- Tribbles . . . <- Tribbles after a haircut * * * <- Tribbles *ý *ý *ý <- Squared tribbles * * * <- Tribbles + + + <-Tribbles on drugs * * * <- Tribbles <- Hari Krishna tribbles * * * <- Tribbles é é é <- Tribbles after Biology lab * * * <- Tribbles í í í <- Tribbles with hula hoops * * * <- Tribbles ø ø ø <- Minimized Tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles ù ù ù <- Tribbles after a haircut * * * <- Tribbles ³ ³ ³ <- after being stuck in elevator * * * <- Tribbles ù ú ø <- Dribbles * * * <- Tribbles ð ð ð <- dissected tribbles * * * <- Tribbles Ó*½ Ó*½ <- terrifying flying tribbles * * * <- Tribbles ®*¯ <- Sergeant tribble, their leader * * * <- Tribbles ÷ ÷ ÷ <- Scribbles. * * * <- Tribbles « ¬ « <- Fraction Tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles    <- Tribbles on drugs * * * <- Tribbles ‘ ‘ ‘ <-- After the wash cycle * * * <- Tribbles ê ê ê <- Tribbles wearing condoms * * * <- Tribbles í í í <- Anti-tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles f f f <- Anti-tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles oð oð oð <- Tribbles on a windy day * * * <- Tribbles “ “ “ <- after hairclub visit * * * <- Tribbles o o o <- Bald tribbles * * * <- Tribbles * * * <- More tribbles * * * <-And more * * * <- Tribbles ë ë ë <- Hari Krishna tribbles * * * <- Tribbles à à à <- Fish tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ <- Tribbles in heaven * * * <- Tribbles _ _ _ <- after fight with Godzilla * * * <- Tribbles ë ë ë <- Snake Tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles é é é <- Tribbles after Biology lab * * * <- Tribbles ê ê ê <- Tribbles wearing condoms * * * <- Tribbles í í í <- Anti-tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles í í í <- Tribbles with hula hoops * * * <- Tribbles <*> <- Sergeant tribble, their leader * * * <- Tribbles <- Tribbles in the dark. * * * <- Tribbles <- Hari Krishna tribbles * * * <- Tribbles . . . <- Tribbles after a haircut * * * <- Tribbles + + + <-Tribbles on drugs * * * <- Tribbles *ý *ý *ý <- Squared tribbles * * * <- Tribbles <- Cloaked tribbles * * * <- Tribbles *' *' *' Tribbles with an attitude * * * <- Tribbles * * * <- More tribbles * * * <-And more * * * <- Tribbles ‘ ‘ ‘ <-- After the wash cycle * * * <- Tribbles f f f <- Anti-tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles ó*ò ó*ò ó*ò <-Tribbles w/ leg * * * <- Tribbles Ó*½ Ó*½ <- terrifying flying tribbles * * * <- Tribbles ®*¯ <- Sergeant tribble, their leader * * * <- Tribbles ÷ ÷ ÷ <- Scribbles. * * * <- Tribbles ð ð ð <- dissected tribbles * * * <- Tribbles ù ú ø <- Dribbles * * * <- Tribbles oð oð oð <- Tribbles on a windy day * * * <- Tribbles “ “ “ <- after hairclub visit * * * <- Tribbles o o o <- Bald tribbles * * * <- Tribbles    <- Tribbles on drugs * * * <- Tribbles « ¬ « <- Fraction Tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles ø ø ø <- Minimized Tribbles. * * * <- Tribbles ù ù ù <- Tribbles after a haircut * * * <- Tribbles ³ ³ ³ <- after being stuck in elevator ==================================================== HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 4 of 8 ==================================================== by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter SCENE 7: [Moments later, Picard, Data, and Worf arrived on the bridge of the Enterprise. A Borg ship hangs ominously in the empty void in front of them.] Riker: Sir, the Borg has returned. Wesley: I think I like them better as a banana split. Worf: Captain, we are being probed. Picard: All hands, battle stations. Shields up, Mr. Worf. Worf: (pause) Sir, the computer is not responding. Riker: Is the Borg interfering with our defense systems? Data: Negative, sir. It seems that the computer is ... busy. We are only getting 15 percent CPU time. Picard: Busy??!! Worf: Confirmed, sir. Our shields are now activated. Picard: Arm everything you have, Mr. Worf. I want you to dump them all at my signal. Worf: Yes sir! [Meanwhile, on the way to the Presidential Detention Suite ...] Ford: Hey! Careful with that phaser! Ensign 1: Resistance is useless! Ford: Well, you don't have to have that thing glued to my back all the time. Ensign 2: Resistance is useless! Arthur: What about my tea? Ensign 1: Resistance is useless! Computer: (from one of its speakers) Tea synthesization in progress. CPU time, 87.9 percent. Estimated completion time, fifteen minutes. Ensign 2: Resistance is useless! [The red alert klaxon sounds throughout the corridors of the Enterprise. The call "All hands, battle stations" goes out, slightly bewildering the two ensigns ...] Ensign 1: Battle stations? Do you think that includes us? Ensign 2: No way. We have direct orders from the Captain to escort these prisoners to the brig. Ford: (realizing his opportunity to cause some dissension) Sure, you guys get all of the easy work while your Captain sweats it out on the bridge. Ensign 1: What was that crack supposed to mean? Ford: Oh, nothing, nothing at all. Ensign 2: We didn't think so. Ford: Well, I'm just saying that maybe Captain Picard realizes that the two of you just aren't up to manning battle stations... Zaphod: (whispering harshly) Ford! Ford: (ignoring Zaphod) ... and that is why you were given the relatively simple task of escorting us to the brig. Ensign 2: Oh, yeah? I'll have you know that we happen to be pretty tough customers for a Federation starship. Ensign 1: That's right. There was a time on Damascus when we had to stun a whole room of aliens with our phasers. Ensign 2: Yeah, we can get rough if we have to, so don't force us to do anything unpleasant. Ford: Sounds pretty tough to me. How about you, Arthur? Arthur: Hmmm? Oh, yes, terribly so. I certainly wouldn't want to get on their bad side. Ford: (after a pause) How can we be sure that you're really capable of stunning us though? Those phasers of yours look pretty small for such work. Ensign 2: Hey, do you want us to stun you or what? [Ford smiles one of those smiles that makes other people feel that there is something horribly wrong with Things In General. After three more steps, the group of prisoners enters the middle of an intersection of two corridors. Another pair of security guards turn the corner just as Ford says ...] Ford: Stun me. Ensign 1: (firing) You asked for it, bud! SCENE 8: [Somewhere on their way to the Presidential Detention Suite, Ford has prompted Ensign One to fire his phaser at him, just as two other security guards turn the corner in front of them ...] [Ford hits the ground and rolls back past the two ensigns. Ensign 1 accidentally stuns one of the security guards. The other guard immediately jumps the ensign.] Zaphod: Follow Ford, everyone! [Zaphod, Arthur, and Trillian race after Ford as Ensign Two emerges from the scuffle.] Ensign 2: I'm setting my phaser to 'evaporate,' Beeblebrox! Now surrender in the name of the United Federation of Planets! Voice of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: This is a good time to pause and review a section of what the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has to say about the United Federation of Planets. There are several important things to remember when dealing with officers of the United Federation of Planets. The first is that they always claim to be on peaceful missions, insisting that they will not use violent means to accomplish their goals. It invariably so happens, however, that one or two (or perhaps even an entire starship of personnel) get a bit overzealous in their tasks and feel the need to vent any frustrations they may have by vaporizing a prisoner or two, if not entire planets. Starfleet Command is always rather understanding about these little mishaps, even when it violates their own Prime Directive. These incidents were usually hushed up appropriately, and passed off as accidents, as in the case of the sudden and unexpected supernova of the star Turas, taking with it a few orbiting planets where Romulan ships were rumored to have been sighted. The second important thing of note is that the United Federation of Planets is very big. Even a man like Zaphod Beeblebrox should not attempt to betray the Federation because no matter where in the known space and time he hides, the Federation is bound to find him there. In fact, if Zaphod Beeblebrox's brains were functioning correctly (e.g. he has not touched a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster in at least 5,678.84 years), he might realize that the only reasonable way to escape the Federation is to paint himself pink, and then activate a Somebody Else's Problem Field about himself, whereupon the Federation would immediately cease to worry about him. The third, and perhaps the most important, thing to remember about the United Federation of Planets in general, and Starfleet in particular, is that it is impossible to be served a decent Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster on any of its starship, especially when it is a Klingon that is serving you the drink. Federation food synthesizers are not capable of getting just the proper kick into the drink which leads to certain problems, as Zaphod Beeblebrox is about to discover. Trillian: We're almost back to the shuttle bay where the Heart of Gold is being kept! [They stopped at a crossroad where three corridors are leading straight through, to their left, and to their right. The group paused to catch their breath.] Arthur: So, (pant, pant) which way (pant) do we (pant) go? Trillian: I believe, (pant) that we (pant) ... [Ensign Two rounded the corner behind them, and, stopping, yells:] Ensign 2: I've (pant, pant) I've got you (pant, pant) now, Beeble- (pant) Beeble- (pant) Beeblebrox! Zaphod: (running to the left) This way! Ford: (running to the right) This way! [Both Zaphod and Ford starts to run in their respective directions. They both paused. They both looked at each other. Panting, Ensign Two raises his phaser shakily.] Zaphod: We came this way. Ford: No, we came this way. [They both paused again, in slight confusion. They look first at the other person's direction, then at their own direction. Both decides to agree with the other, and proceeds to run in the opposite directions again.] [Arthur boggled.] [Ensign Two, hands shaking wildly, takes aim at Beeblebrox and fires.] [Trillian pulls Arthur down, neatly dodging the phaser fire that would have ceased his crave for tea forever. Ensign One rounds the same corner behind Ensign Two. Seeing Ensign Two too late and unable to stop himself, Ensign One crashes into Ensign Two in a flurry of arms and legs.] Trillian: Here, this way! [Pulling Arthur behind her, Trillian runs down the corridor in front of them. Zaphod and Ford stared after her, shrugged, and followed.] [Moments later, they arrived at the entranceway to Shuttle Bay Three.] Arthur: Let's just hope that security in there isn't as trigger happy as this ensign that has been chasing us through the last three levels... Zaphod: Don't worry, Earthman. My brilliant plan has worked so far, hasn't it? Ford: Your brilliant plan? I thought this was _my_ brilliant plan. Zaphod: Just read all about it in my memoirs, Ford. It's too long and complicated to explain right now, okay? Trillian: (choosing this time to notice Marvin's disappearance) Say, guys, keep an eye out for Marvin. He must have been transported on this ship somewhere along with us... Zaphod: Forget the Paranoid Android, willya kid? We can't keep worrying about where Marvin... [Zaphod suddenly stops cold.] Ford: What? Hey, Zaphod, what's the problem? Zaphod: I feel ... very depressed at this moment. Trillian: What? Zaphod: Not just this moment, but I will feel depressed at every moment consecutive to this one as well... Ford: Snap out of it, Zaphod. You're beginning to sound like Marvin. Arthur: ...and that horrible smell. What is it? [Surprisingly, Zaphod is still holding the empty glass that once held his Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Trillian snatched the glass from him. The horrible smell is very obviously coming from it.] Trillian: Oh, no! Zaphod's drink wasn't mixed properly! It caused a chemical imbalance in his brains so that when he heard Marvin's name he became chronically depressed! Ford: What can we do? Trillian: We have to get back to the Heart of Gold immediately. I can prepare an antidote there. Ensign 2: (catching up again) You're right in front of the shuttle bay doors, but you're not getting the chance to go in! Zaphod: How depressing. Here I am, the most important person in the galaxy, and I can't even get into a blasted shuttle bay. [The ensign attempts to shoot Zaphod, only to discover that his phaser had just run out of batteries ("Damn! Should've used Energizer!"). Trillian quickly ushers the others into the empty shuttle bay where they board the Heart of Gold. Will the Enterprise be able to prevent its computer from making tea? If they do, will Arthur be able to _survive_? Will Picard defeat the Borg by reading them Shakespeare? Will a towel ever come into this galactic saga? Find out, on next month's exciting episode of ... The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation! ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions proudly presents "Spambit, Part II" A parody of ST:TNG's "Gambit, Part II" TNG Production # 257 By Leonard Richardson "Last Time" Voice: Last time, on Silly Trek: The Next Generation! Worf: They shot him with some kind of Spam ray! He melted! That's all I know! I swear! Riker: Normally I'd beat you up and then go sleep with some ensigns, but since you're already dead there isn't much point. Riker: AAAAAAAAAAAGH! Riker: AAAAARGH! THE WALLS ARE CRAWLING WITH MICHELLE TANNERS! AAAAH! Picard: I say we kill Riker! Bokbarian: This is REALLY stupid! I'm not going to have a starship commanded by a six-year-old in the only parody I'm gonna make an appearance in! Fire on the Enterprise! Picard: But the Enterprise ALWAYS wins! Bokbarian: So what? It'll make this a 2-parter! Picard: Brilliant! "And Now" Voice: And now, the exciting conclusion. Acting Captain Julie: Hey! Go away! I'm the captain! Geordi: We just beamed down to Ten-Forward because they had a free Pepsi deal! Sheesh! Worf: Hey, there's something wrong here! Troi: I sense great crampedness! Geordi: It's the new spacing, for the benefit of our friends on WildNet! Hi everybody! Ensign Olivia: Not very responsive are they? Worf: They don't say much. Geordi: Look who's talking! An extra and a Klingon! Worf: Sir! The smuggling ship has damaged both our nacelles! Censor: Hey! You can't say "nacelle" on television! Worf: Why not? Censor: Um... er... It sounds dirty! Worf: Have you watched FOX lately? Data: Set phasers to 25% strength, Worf. Fire! Data: HUH?!?!?!?! Worf: A true warrior does not set his phasers on 25%! Troi: I sense great hostility from you, Worf. Data: Hostility... accessing... Geordi: AAAIEE! It's the attack of the killer repetitive lines! Ensign Olivia: Course laid in, sir. Data: Anger. A strong desire to kill people. Normal Klingon state of mind. Geordi: (voiceover) I've got to go somewhere I never go, or else I'll start saying all my repetitive lines! (out loud) Computer... take me to... Counselor Troi's quarters! TV Audience: BOOOOO! Leonard Richardson: Wait a minute! This has NOTHING to do with the real episode! Geordi: So? Leonard Richardson: Well, I had a nifty plotline to put in here, but I seem to have forgotten it. Oh well, I'll try to fix it. Geordi, go back to the bridge and I'll take it from there. Geordi: OK. Worf: Sir! The ship has... pulled itself back together! I've never seen anything like it! Data: Shut up. What is their status? Worf: They're at full operational capacity! Picard: No we're not! Bokbarian: Romulan Lady: It's a good thing we had that Perot drive installed! Just when everyone thinks we're dead, we come right back! Bokbarian: We've got to retreat! Annoying Engineer: No we don't! Bokbarian: Yeah we do! Do you have any idea how many people on that ship have CONTRACTS? We won't stand a chance! Annoying Engineer: Aye sir, full retreat. Worf: The ship is retreating. Shall we pursue? Data: No. Stay here. Worf: Why? Data: Because we're only at 100 lines! Worf: Hooked on Phonics Spokesman: Hey, Klingon warriors! Want your kid to have the full benefit of a Klingon education? Well, with our new tape you can start him early-- with the "Hooked on Grunts" program! Here's what the millions of satisfied Klingon parents have to say about "Hooked on Grunts!" Concerned Klingon Parent: (voiceover) Announcer: Yes folks, and that was this year's entry for the "Best Rip-off of RIB" award! Whenever an unwanted cameo comes up, the ever-lovely Tasha Yar just--" Romulan Lady: Hi Picard. Picard: Go away! I'm busy! Computer: Yoyodyte scan negative. Picard: ARGGH! Romulan Lady: What's yoyodyte? Picard: It's a substance that can alter the script! But I don't know why I'm supposed to be looking for it. Computer: Yoyodyte scan positive. 98.5% chance of match. Romulan Lady: Oh, by the way, you're not really Caimon. Picard: ARGH! How did you find out!?! Romulan Lady: Because a caimon is a species of South American water crocodile! Picard: Agh! Foiled again! Romulan Lady: Who are you really? Picard: You tell me who you are first! Romulan Lady: Fair enough. I'm really a Vulcan spy! I snuck aboard this ship a year ago because I heard rumors that the captain was trying to steal the most deadly Vulcan artifact of all! Picard: And what would that be? Romulan Lady: It could alter the script of the parody to make all the regular characters say their repetitive lines over and over again! In that way, even those who had contracts could be defeated! Picard: Romulan Lady: Shocking, isn't it? Picard: Yes! But what can be done? Romulan Lady: We're supposed to take both of the artifacts to Vulcan. I'll just have to be the one dropping it off! Picard: (voiceover) Hm... I don't think this lady is really a Vulcan! Romulan Lady: Oh, you never told me who you really were. Picard: I'm captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. <> Data: Did you decode the message that Captain Picard secretly sent us in the subspace transmission? Geordi: Yup! With my Genuine Plastic Starfleet Decoder Ring! (tm) Caption: ONLY 3 BOX TOPS KIDS! Data: Good. Lay in the coordinates. Geordi: But it's not coordinates! Data: What is it? Geordi: It says... "My part of the parody is making no sense. Hope you can do better with yours. -JLP." Data: ARGH! Worf: Captain! I am picking up a little tiny Klingon vessel in the Bullwinkle Moose sector! Data: The Bullwinkle Moose sector? But that's 5 light-years away! How did you detect it? Worf: With our really-long-range-sensors! Data: Plot in a course! That MUST be the secret pick-up-site for the second Vulcan artifact! Troi: Hey, how do you know all that? Data: I read it in the "National Enquirer". Ensign Olivia: Course laid in, sir. Ensign Toenail: Hey, how come Ensign Olivia doesn't have a really stupid name like all the other ensigns? Data: Because she's not just an ensign! She's really... All: SUPER-ENSIGN! Troi: Yes! Fighting to rid the galaxy of the need for the senior officers to do mundane tasks like laying in courses, it's... All: SUPER-ENSIGN! Data: So you see, she is entitled to certain privileges that other ensigns are not. For example, she does not have to have a stupid name. Ensign Toenail: Hmph! Worf: We have reached the Bullwinkle Moose sector. Data: What, already? Worf: Yes. Data: OK, whatever. Hail the little tiny Klingon ship. Data: Who are you? Klingon: Data: What is the purpose of your mission? Klingon: My mission is... to spread happiness and joy throughout the galaxy. Troi: He's lying! Data: _I_ could have told you that! Klingon: Data: Why do you grunt so much? Klingon: Because my honorable father was the one who pioneered the concept of all Klingons grunting all the time! Data: Ah. We are going to take your ship aboard and search it. Klingon: What for? Data: For... smuggled fruit! Klingon: Crusher: No fruit so far... Crusher: Aha! A cabbage! Smuggled from the Klingon Homeworld, no less! Klingon: A cabbage isn't a fruit! Crusher: So what? It's still smuggled! To the bridge with you! Bokbarian: Hey! We're the smugglers around here! Picard: But where's the artifact? Bokbarian: They must have it already! Where would it be? Riker: Er... in the artifact storage room! Bokbarian: Where is that? Riker: How should I know? I just made it up! Bokbarian: I'll have to use my last resort... Genie: (loud booming voice) I AM THE GENIE OF THE LAMP! YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND! I CAN DO ANYTHING! Riker: Can you make Spam taste good? Genie: ALMOST ANYTHING. (to Bokbarian) WHAT IS YOUR WISH, OH MASTER? Bokbarian: Take us to the location of the second Vulcan artifact! Genie: I HEAR AND OBEY, OH MASTER. Troi: I dunno, Data, I don't think it makes a very good centerpiece. (sees the smugglers) Agh! Bokbarian: We just dropped by for a second. Data: My brother's death will be avenged! Riker: Er, Data... YOU killed your brother. Data: I knew that! I just wanted an excuse to beat people up! Bokbarian: Quick! Back to the ship! Riker: Ouch. Data: (taps communicator) Quickly! Set a course for Vulcan! Worf: We're already at Vulcan! Data: Wha...? Worf: It's only 2 sets away! Data: Send down an away team! Worf: Aye sir. Picard: All right Bokbarian, we're tired of your games! Bokbarian: All right! All right! We'll play Scrabble next time! Picard: It's too late now! We're mutinying! We won't take another night of Trivial Pursuit! Bokbarian: No! _I_ will choose the games as long as I have this! Picard: Go ahead... make my day! Bokbarian: NOOOOOOOO! NOT "SILVER SPOONS!" AAAAAARGH! Picard: I am your captain now! And no more sitcoms! All: YAY! Picard: Now, let's drop off the artifact and get our money! Romulan Lady: (suddenly whirling around) HAHAHAHAHA! I have you now! Picard: Huh? Romulan Lady: I'm really a Romulan! I've been trying to get hold of this artifact for years, ever since I was turned down for a major part in TOS! And now, I will destroy you all! Obnoxious Engineer: I don't like you very much! Romulan Lady: Muahahahaha! LWAWHANO: Romulan Lady: Don't come a step closer! I'll kill you all! Picard: Quickly! Think of something that totally goes against what you normally think! Riker: (voiceover) Hm... maybe I'll shave tomorrow! Worf: (voiceover) Wesley's not so bad... Crusher: (voiceover) Maybe I should go into dentistry. Ensign Olivia: (voiceover) I think I'd prefer a name like... like "Ensign Gangreen!" Picard: Hahahahaha! You'll never get us! Picard: (voiceover) Gee, I really like kids! Romulan Lady: Curses! Foiled again! Ensign Olivia: It looks like my work here is done. Picard: Thank you! Ensign Olivia: No need for thanks, it's all in a day's work for All: SUPER-ENSIGN! Announcer: And so everybody was happy except for Worf, because he was shocked that he could even pretend to like Wesley, and except of course for Romulan Lady, because her evil plot had failed. So remember kids, crime doesn't pay! Next month on Silly Trek: The Next Generation! Data goes wacko and there's lots of awful jokes about it! Troi becomes a cake and there's lots of awful jokes about that! Riker has a straw sticking out of his head and he looks stupider than ever! On the next Silly Trek: The Next Generation! ==================== STAR TREK COMICOLOGY ==================== by Oxnardus of Borg (continued from RIF #19 & 20) Star Trek, Issue #56 (January 1994) "Timecrime" Part 4 Sub-titled "Call Back Yesterday" Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rob Davis; Inker: Arne Starr; Letterer: Bob Pinaha; Colorist: Matt Webb; Cover: Rod Whigham & Carloes Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC Comics. PLOT: Worf has nightmares about killing Klartan and begins to see him killing himself. He goes to Dr. McCoy like a good klingon (I'm a medical doctor, not a psychiatrist!). McCoy tells Worf that he feels guilty about killing Khartan and also for failing in the mission. Spock determines that they failed in their time trip because the time bandits (sneaky that they be!) changed MORE THAN ONE EVENT!!! (Now you know why Spock took honors at Vulcan High). For some reason Uhura (why does it have to be Uhura???) asks "How many more?" Being the honest Vulcan that he is, Spock tells her, "There may be no certain answer..." HOWEVER, the crafty Vulcan adds that he has deduced that there was another significant timeline change, and it was that Azeek the Potent was never born (gasp!). Kirk, of course, has never heard of Azeek, since he was otherwise engaged during the week they studied Azeek in the Advanced Klingon History Seminar at the Academy. Azeek was to have fathered 24 sons. These 24 sons were to begin the wild and woolly klingon traditions that are lacking in the current alternative timeline where Klingons are known for their poetry and science and not battles and honor (or is it not where klingons are klingons and the sheep are nervous?). Spock further determines that a very despicable and nasty klingon leader named Baraga must not be assassinated. The gang jumps on the bandwagon and flies back to the guardian to screw up klingon history again! While zooming to the Guardian of Forever, Kirk discusses with Kor that the klingon society they wish to replace is a preferable version that that they wish to replace it with. They find it ironic. At the Guardian of Forever, Kor remains with Spock in case the gang is successful (yeah, right, the second time's the charm!), and he needs to do some fast talking to the vicious KLingons which they anticipate after their timeline adjustments are made. At the klingon home planet, the gang notices that in 200 years, the Klingons have advanced technologically to about the early 20th century of earth. Out in a field, Kirk and Sulu come to the aid of a crashed plane. Kirk helps fix the plane and gets a job as a mechanic. Meanwhile the gang is being monitored by a group of klingons using 23rd century technology. It is the time bandits!!! They decide to allow the gang to save Baraga and then they will kill our heroes! Kirk becomes the star mechanic at the only military airfield around! Baraga demands to meet Kirk. Baraga shoots his mechanic and hires Kirk and Sulu as his personal mechanics. Late one night Kirk and Sulu catch a klingon nosing around Baraga's plane. They take the klingon to Baraga but are captured and placed in prison by Baraga's security team. The security people believe that Kirk and Sulu and part of the conspiracy! COVER: Baraga crashing his flying machine and Kirk jumping out of the way towards the viewer. Text: On Wings of Death! COMMENTS: Only one more to go!!!!! Conclusion: Star Trek, Issue #57 (February 1994) to be reviewed in RIF 24. (Time for the MAJOR celebrations???) =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED NOT: A Few Comments About the Borg DATA BECOMES A HACKER TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 3 HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 5 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: LANtasms [Phantasms] TNG #258 COMIC COMICOGRAPHY: Star Trek, Issue #57 (February 1994) ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN, Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address. Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF (and insure your copy of RIF one week prior to e- mail subscriptions!), please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given below). BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): Phone Name City ST SysOp ----------------------------------------------------------------- (405) 282-4676 THE Q CONTINUUM OK The Q (604) 574-1523 U.S.S. NEXUS BBS B.C. CAN Admiral Kirk (607) 777-4866 SUNY-BBS Binghamton NY Drew Halasz (616) 381-1124 THE X-FACTOR Kalamazoo MI Lord Vader (617) 864-3375 BCSM BBS Boston MA J. M. Tretakoff (618) 746-0916 THE ACCESS BBS Scott AFB IL C. Claybaugh (805) 854-2478 DA WARREN Arvin CA L. Richardson (805) 933-1345 QUACKIN' UP Santa Paula CA Jeff Mercer (805) 987-5506 BEYOND THE REALM Camarillo CA Musical (905) 574-2467 COUNTDOWN CHAOS Hamilton ON CAN Spartan ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark and the holders of the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy trademarks and copyrights as having sole rights to theirs. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon any copyright or earn profit from this publication. The same is declared as to Hitch-HIker's Guide to the Galaxy. RIF is distributed free of charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile will be released sometime before hell freezes over. Send submissions to Oxnardus or Ripley at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm; MajorBBS: Narda@fnz; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; WWIVNet: Oxnardus 115 @ 8500; AnarchyNet: Oxnardus @ 42:1005/1201; RipCity BBS, DA WARREN: Oxnardus; RIME: Kym Taborn [->1542] RIPLEY: Editor. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com; RipCity BBS: Ripley. THE Q: Editor Trainee. Internet: jdetommaso@nvn.com; Prodigy: TSXW58B; NVN: JDETOMMASO; FidoNet: Jake DeTommaso @ 1:147/74. CORRESPONDENTS: -------------- Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478; Internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com. David T Lu: Internet: lulu@ucrmath.ucr.edu Mickey McCarter: mickey@brahms.udel.edu CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ STEPHEN MENDENHALL (MFNG88B) Tricius: Prodigy: NRCR88B?, NRCR88C?, NRCR88D? (hey, it's one of them, okay??!!???) Hilius of Borg (Prodigy JKSR53D)