_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box ??? Bakersfield, CA 9330? THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 24 August 01 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: RIF BBS On-line again! YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED NOT: A Few Comments About the Borg DATA BECOMES A HACKER TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 3 HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 5 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: LANtasms [Phantasms] TNG #258 COMIC COMICOGRAPHY: Star Trek, Issue #57 (February 1994) UPCOMING IN RIF Editorial Notices Copyright Notices Solicitations for next newsletter Back issues of RIF available Addresses of contributors =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Yes, I know it is already late August. Yes, I know that I am TWO issues behind. Yes, I know you want your RIF. Believe me, I know. In fact, I am working on an omniscience badge. The move to Bakersfield has taken on mythic proportions. It has become a neverending ordeal...a veritable Herculean task. However, do not despair RIFites, I am determined to move forward with RIF. I was holding out releasing this issue until I got a Bakersfield P.P. box, but I am still waiting after a week. THUS, I am releasing this without a P.O. Box. Please forgive me, P.O. Box fans. As soon as I write some menu programs, RIF (Resistance is Futile) BBS should be back on-line after a short ten month hiatus (estimate time of debut: September 5, 1994!). It has a dedicated number (805) 588-9349. Twenty-four hours. 14,400 bps. None of this phone, hang up, phone again stuff. It should be up and running by Labor Day (September 5) 1994. RIF BBS (the NEW and IMPROVED). What a nice sound that has. It will eventually house my Star Trek File Collection, the RIF back issues, and any and all other curiosities I have or may come across. I plan to run some VGA Planets games (ouch), and have attempts at role-playing game areas, a Baha'i Faith discussion area, an Estate Planning and Taxes area (riveting stuff, no???), and offer RIF subscriber services. I believe it will be the world's first Star Trek/Baha'i Faith/Estate Planning Bulletin board in the world. Maybe even universe...who knows? Anyways, give it a call if you are ever bored. With great pleasure I announce the latest BBS to join the hallowed ranks of being a RIF Distribution Site: Inkwell, 703-548-1507, Alexandria, VA, sysop: Melanie Byas. Call it when you get a chance. --Oxnardus ================================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! ================================= A FEW COMMENTS ABOUT THE BORG ----------------------------- Would the Borg instantly realize the Pakleds would be useless to them? Would they leave the Pakleds alone? I wonder if the Pakleds could sabotage the Borg ship? Maybe with a post-hypnotic suggestion to do something they couldn't do by themselves? Maybe a shapeshifter who looks like a Borg could fool the Borg into leaving him/her/it alone while sabotaging the ship. I've made a list of shapeshifters and related beings, and I wonder why they haven't been used against the Borg? Man-Trap--Salt Vampire clone; Obsession--Vampire cloud; Wolf in the Fold--Mellitus, solid at rest, a gas when moving; Is there in Truth.... Medusan, gaseous, causes insanity; Empath...limited shapeshifting ability; Whom Gods Destroy, Antosians; Savage Curtain, the Excalbians, Daledites, Trionians; the chamelid from the movie; the Vendorian from the animated series; the critters from Realm of Fear and that weird episode where Data has the weird dreams. How about activating the probe from "Inner Light" at the Borg? Or the solipsistic universe thingie from "Remember Me"? And of course Odo could do something given the chance. Getting a bit off the subject, why does everybody on DS9 act as if he's the only shapeshifter in the universe? And whenever a new shapeshifter comes on board the Enterprise, why does everybody act as if THAT one is the only one in the universe? Live long and don't assimilate any wooden nickels! ---STEPHEN MENDENHALL ====================== DATA BECOMES A HACKER! ====================== On Staaaaaaaar Trek: The Next Generation.... Data becomes a hacker... Riker: Data, you've got two minutes to break into the Borg mainframe!! Data: Acknowledged, Captain. big-e# telnet telnet> open borg.big.cube.mil Trying 301.143.45.45 ... Connected to borg422.big.cube.mil. Escape character is '^]'. BorgOS UNIX (borg422.big.cube.mil) login: root Password: login incorrect login: root Password: login incorrect login: locutus Password: Last login: Jun 25 2367 02:45:50 on console BorgOS Release 2.1.1 (BORG422) #422: Dec 12 09:07:30 GMT 2365 Message of the day: Usenet is irrelevant. BIFF is futile. You have mail. borg422% sleep & [1] 1489 borg422% ...Broadcast message at 19:02:34 from root@borg422.big.cube.mil: System shutdown in three minutes... borg422% borg422% logout Connection closed by foreign host. big-e# ---DAVE COBLE =================================== TRIBBLE TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE =================================== Part Three ---------- (-*-) <-- Darth Tribble in his TIE fighter {{:-(*) <-- Klingon eating a Tribble. *-~ <-- Tribble after sex. *-* <--- Tribbles holding hands. *-*-*-*-*-*-*- Tribble Kabob. * . . . . . <- Tribble Mother and Young * This is a tribble. # This is a tribble on drugs. * * * * * 10010110 <-- Tribbles & Bits *-*-*-*-*-*-*- Tribble Kabob. *-* <--- Tribbles holding hands. *// *// *// <- Tribbles Going Skiing *..* Tribble Family Portrait. Only $12.95 at Sears! *.* - Tribble file name *}- <- Tribble Olympics: Archery ******* ******* ******* <- 21 Tribble Salute. ***ď*** < Heavy-Weight Tribble Lifter. *8 *8 *8 <--- Tribbles and mamas out for a stroll. ** (Jump, the Tribble Fire Department will catch you.) * * <-- dueling tribbles * | * <-- tribbles playing volleyball --*-- <- Tribble at Custers last stand -<--*-- <-Tribble after sword fight * Darn! Only one thoroughbred Tribble left! <-- Baby Tribble with bottle A Mogwai is simply a highly evolved Tribble. A tribble a day keeps the Klingons well-fed... Beat me, whip me, make me write Tribble taglines. Captain...one..harmless...little...Tribble? Darn! Out of tribble tags! Del *.* <-- How *DARE* you delete my Tribbles! He who dies with the most Tribbles wins. I'm off to wax the shuttlecraft! Anyone got a tribble I can use? Klingon Rx - Take two Tribbles and call me in the morning Nobody knows the Tribbles I've seen Pack up your Tribbles in your old kit bag Quadrotriticale....3.56 billion tribbles can't be wrong! Spock, quick, I smell tribbles! The offspring of a tribble and Ross Perot: #*@ Tribble math: * + Grain = *********** Tribble? I got your tribble, right here!  _ Tribbles - $5.00 for all you can pile on top of you. Tribbles who love Klingons, on the next Oprah! TRIBBLES IMITATING ANTS.************************************ You show me your tribble, I'll show you my Regulan blood worm! ==================================================== HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 5 of 8 ==================================================== by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter SCENE 9: [Last time, Zaphod and company had regained the Heart of Gold, and the Enterprise was trying to make some tea while the ever-annoying Borg crashes the party by throwing phasers at them ...] Picard: What do you mean the computer is busy making tea!? Data: Sir, you gave the order to make some tea precisely four minutes and thirty-two seconds ago. Picard: Dammit, I'm giving the order to _stop_ making tea, now! [The ship rocks again as another wave of Borg's phasers further weakens the shield.] Geordi: I'm trying, sir. But it seems that whenever I kill off a tea process, another two springs up! Picard: Then work twice as fast! [Geordi, of course, did not realize that the Nutri-Matic on the Heart of Gold has managed, through Eddie, to connect with the Enterprise's main and backup computers in an effort to synthesize a beverage that is almost, but not quite, entire _not_ unlike tea.] Data: Sir, my reflexes are faster than Geordi's. If I connect myself to the main computer, I believe I may be able to shut down all the tea processes. Picard: Make it so, Data, and step on it! Data: Step on it, sir? Picard: DO IT, DATA! Data: Yes, sir. [Another shock wave, courtesy of the Borg, sends everyone scrambling. A Borg materializes on the bridge, grabs Picard, and disappears in a sizzle of champagne bubbles.] Riker: (activating the ship's intercom) This is Commander Riker, your friendly First Officer. This message is to inform you that Captain Picard has just been kidnapped. But don't worry, I'm now in charge of this ship. Worf: Commander, reports of panic riots are just coming in on decks 1, 2, 5, 7 through 11 inclusive, 14, 15, 16, 20 through 25, and more or less the rest of the Enterprise. Riker: (activating the ship's intercom again) This is Commander Riker again. I repeat, I am now in charge of this ship. There is now absolutely no reason to panic. You are in very capable hands. Worf: Commander, there is now a major traffic jam at all routes to all shuttle bays and all emergency escape modules. Riker: Shuttle crafts and escape modules ... of course! That will give the Borg more targets to worry about, so they wouldn't come and kidnap _me_ as well. What a faithful and dedicated crew I have, risking their lives to save their First Officer! [The bridge crew silently registered their own opinions on this explanation.] Riker: (thinking out loud) No... I can't risk the lives of my crew to save myself. (commanding) Worf, seal off all access to shuttle bays and escape modules. Worf: Yes, sir. Wesley: Commander, the Borg has tractor-beamed us, and is sucking us in! Riker: Data, how are you doing on those tea? [There is an uneasy pause.] Riker: Data? Wesley: (reaching over to shake Data) Data, the tea! Data: (slow, mechanical, computerized voice) tea. synthesization. in. progress. CPU. time. 96.4. percent. estimated. completion. time. ten. minutes. twenty. four. seconds. please. stand. by. Wesley: Oh no, the computer's got Data! Worf: Commander, the phasers have finally being armed. Riker: Mr. Worf, fire! [An impressive array of phaser fires spread out from under the Enterprise, breaking off a loose screw on the Borg's exterior hull and lightly scratching its paint. A tiny service robot screeches out from its power plug nearby, quickly replaced the screw and, realizing that it bought with it the wrong color of paint, simply repainted the entire five square kilometers under its jurisdiction with the new color.] Riker: Mr. Worf, what's their damage. Worf: Sir, sensors indicate that one of their service robots spilled some paint on its left mobile joint. Riker: Good. That 'ought to hold them for awhile. Troi: Will, the Captain is in danger! Riker: How do you know? Are you in telepathic contact with him? Troi: No, I can see him waving frantically at us through that window on the Borg ship. [Sure enough, the Enterprise has now being drawn uncomfortably close to the Borg vessel, and through the main viewer, they can see Picard waving frantically at them from a window, signaling in various sign languages that now would be a good time for them to beam over and rescue him. Meanwhile, a Borg comes up on him from behind, pulls him away from the window and, very obviously and with unnecessary force, pulls the shades down on them.] Wesley: Commander, I think I have detected a weakness in the Borg's system of waste management. It is ... Riker: Their system of what?! Wesley: Waste management, sir. It seems that the Borg have not been taking care of their environment, and some of their water supplies are now so polluted that new life forms are being created from them spontaneously, demanding welfare and voting rights. Riker: I see, much like the East River of New York. Wesley: Precisely, sir. And if we can form an allegiance with those life forms, we may be able to overthrow the Borg! Riker: Excellent plan, Ensign. How can we get in contact with these new life forms? Wesley: I will need to build a slime-communicator that can transmit spaghetti code, and ... Riker: Okay, okay, just do it! Wesley: Yes sir! SCENE 10: [While Picard is busy being kidnapped, the crew of the Heart of Gold are busy trying to get back the control of their ship, and convincing Zaphod that he is, in fact, not a fish.] Zaphod: Of course I'm a fish. I'm just an insignificant little fish. The kind that people keep throwing overboard despite me keep biting the bait. Trillian: You're talking, Zaphod. Fishes don't talk. Zaphod: The Crotesians on Oceania Five do, and they're fish. Trillian: Yeah, well, but you're not Crotesian. Zaphod: No, the Crotesians kicked me out of their system. Arthur: Why? Zaphod: They hated me. Everybody do. Trillian: We don't. Arthur: We don't? Trillian: Shut up, Arthur. We don't. Zaphod: Yes, you do. Everybody hates me. Oh, I'm sooooooo depressed. [Meanwhile, Ford has been working on the console, trying frantically to get Eddie to talk to them.] Ford: Dammit, I still can't get Eddie to talk to us. Zaphod: You see, even a computer won't talk to me. Trillian: It's not talking to any of us, Zaphod. Zaphod: That's because I'm here. Just throw me overboard, and then the computer will talk to you. Don't worry about me. I'm quite used to being thrown overboard, you know. After all, I'm just an insignificant little fish that nobody wants. I'm meant to be thrown overboard. Ford: Shut up, Zaphod. Hey Trillian, is that antidote ready yet? Trillian: I can't make that antidote without Eddie. Ford: Oh, great. Arthur: Err ... Ford: Be quiet, Arthur. Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate here? It's bad enough with two depressed heads I don't need any tea-chats as well. Arthur: Well, I'd just like to mention that ... Ford: Trillian, why don't you just give Zaphod a mirror, some fish pictures, and let him work it out himself. Arthur: I think that ... Trillian: I don't have any fish pictures. Arthur: Does anyone know ... Zaphod: Why would you want fish pictures when you have a fish? Oh, I see. No, you don't have to answer that. I know. You prefer pictures over me. That's understandable. After all, I'm just an insig... Ford: Shut up, Zaphod. Arthur: I'm just wondering ... Zaphod: ...nificant little fish. Arthur: Can I put a word in ... Trillian: You're not a fish, Zaphod. Fish live in water. If you're a fish, you would've suffocated by now. [Slowly, with almost deliberated concentration, both of Zaphod's heads rise from under his hands and wobbles swimmily toward Trillian. An expression of deep concern slowly creeps upon his face like a wall of thunderclouds rolling across a late summer afternoon sky.] Arthur: Look here, I think ... Zaphod: WATER!!!! [Gasping, two of Zaphod's hands suddenly closed in on his two throats. His third hand, with no throat to cling to, flings himself off his seat and onto the floor, thrashing himself about like a fish out of water.] [Arthur, refusing to be interrupted this time, tries again.] Arthur: I think I _know_ ... [With super-Betelguesian strength Zaphod flings himself high above the floor and, on his way down, knocks Ford off his seat.] Ford: Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish!!! Arthur: The reason why ... Trillian: Ford! Watch what you're saying! [Ford picks up his satchel, and swings it hard at Zaphod, knocking out one of his two heads. Zaphod, still thrashing about, lands on top of Ford and knocks him down. Trillian quickly jumps Zaphod and, with a quick snap of her wrist, throws two pills of Inst-O-Snooze down his one still conscious throat. Zaphod passes out within seconds.] [Both Ford and Trillian lie on the deck, panting.] Arthur: As I was saying ... [He looks around, dully expecting to be interrupted and was so surprised that he wasn't he fully forgot to finish off his sentence.] [He tried again.] Arthur: As I was saying, I believe the reason why Eddie isn't talking to us, other than the fact that he still has that Stick-O-Tape over his speakers ... [He reaches over and peels off the Stick-O-Tape. The lights dim for a brief second as Eddie screams out silently in pain ...] Arthur: ... is this knob over here marked "Volume" is for some reason set to "0". [He turns up the volume.] Eddie: Ouch. Will Riker be able to rescue Captain Picard from the Borg? Will the angry crew of the Enterprise storm the bridge demanding democracy? Will Zaphod be cured of his fishy existence and chronic depression? And now that Eddie is back, does that mean that Arthur will _finally_ have his tea? To find out, stay tuned for the next exciting episode of ... The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation! ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions proudly presents "LANtasms" A parody of ST:TNG's "Phantasms" TNG Production # 258 By Leonard Richardson Geordi: Hi. Data: Hello. Geordi: Data, we need you to connect all the wires for the new LAN system, okay? Data: I understand. Data: Are you authorized to do that? <> Picard: (voiceover) Captain's Log, stardate random. The Enterprise has been docked at Starbase 164 for the installation of a new LAN system. We will be ready to continue on our mission as soon as we hook up all the millions of wires. Picard: What's the problem? Troi: I want to watch the plumbing documentary on the viewscreen, but Worf wants to watch Klingon football! Riker: Let's watch them both! Announcer: Hello, and welcome once again to PLUMBING THE KLINGON WAY! Klingons: Announcer: Brought to you by Hareware Productions! If you can combine wacko commercials with the actual plot, you can do anything! Like make the parody good for once! Worf and Troi: ARGH! Geordi: (over intercom) Sorry about that, I lost the LAN connectors to the bridge. I should have it fixed in no time. Worf: Delicious. Data: What kind of pizza is that? Worf: It is a... gagh pizza. Data: Excuse me. Data: Ah! That explains it! Er.. I mean, hello. Riker: Aren't you going to answer that? Data: Answer what? Riker: That damn ringing! Answer it! Data: All right. Riker: You're disobeying a direct order from a senior officer! I'll have you court-martialed! Troi: That's it! I REFUSE to be a pizza! I'm sick of all your stupid cracks about me! I'm leaving! Troi: Agh! Foiled again! Troi: Don't hurt me! And don't hog the pepperonis either! Data! A Voice: Data! Geordi: You were supposed to be in Engineering half an hour ago! Data: I must have overslept. Excuse me. <> Lucy from Peanuts: What's your problem? Data: I had a really awful dream. Lucy from Peanuts: Try to relax more. Five cents please! Charlie Brown: Hey, I have an appointment! You'll just have to go to some other psychiatrist! Data: Computer, discontinue that figure! Lucy: AAAAAAAUGH! Troi: I don't think it's anything to worry about, it's just a really stupid parody. Data: But it seemed so real! Troi: What, me a pizza? Data: Er... Troi: I'm shocked that you could think of me in that way! Data: No! It was not like that! Troi: I thought that at last I'd found a man who could love me for what I was! But I was wrong! I hate to say it, Data, but IT'S OVER! Data: Counsellor, at no time have we been-- Troi: Sorry, I got carried away. Where were we? Data: We were talking about my nightmare. Troi: Ah. I believe that it symbolizes a deep need to own lots of toilet paper. I've got a case in my closet, you can have that. Data: Thank you, Counsellor, but I have no need for-- Troi: I insist! Data: No! You bought the toilet paper, you have to use it all up! Troi: Data: All right, but only one roll. Data: I am becoming increasingly concerned about my nightmare. Geordi: What was it about? Data: I would prefer not to discuss it at this time! Geordi: Data, you've been talking about nothing else since you started your shift! Data: Hmph. Geordi: Here, Data, take this pizza cutter and go into a waking dream. Data: Okay. Riker: Answer it! Data: What? Riker: The phone in your chest! Data: I have no phone in my chest. Riker: You do! Data: Yes? Lucy's Voice: Five cents please! Geordi: Snoozing on the job! You should be ashamed! Data: Data: A toe? Geordi: Huh? Data: I saw a toe on your neck! Geordi: Maybe you should get some rest. Troi: AAAAIEEEE! Oh, it's you Data. Hi. Troi: Data, what are you doing? Troi: Crusher: I don't understand this! Assistant: What? Crusher: How did a simple pizza cutter do this much damage? And what's this little bug doing on her shoulder?!?! Assistant: What little bug? Crusher: You can only see it under a spamion ray. See? Assistant: Yeah! But what is it? Crusher: I don't know. Riker: Is she all right? Crusher: I'm not sure. There's a weird bug on her shoulder. I think it's consuming her cellular spamite. Riker: What happens when it consumes it all? Crusher: I don't know! I just made that up! Crusher: And they feed off of the celular spamite in the human body. Data: In my dream, I saw a toe on Geordi's neck. The bug was in the same place. All: Data: It must be symbolical! But what could a toe symbolize? Geordi: Bad body odor? Picard: No, we did that five parodies ago. Worf: It could symbolize the Toe of Kahless! Picard: Huh? Worf: The great Kahless once lost a toe in combat. He picked it up and slayed thousands with that toe! Crusher: How? Worf: Er.. he just did! After that, it disappeared, never to be seen again! Geordi: Well, if we hook up Data to the holodeck we can see his dreams. It'll take a couple hours to get all the LAN connectors right. Picard: Alright. Data, I'm going to have to confine you to quarters. Data: A wise precaution. Worf: I will need to take your sidearm. Data: Of course. Worf: And your Slurpee machine. Data: Ha! You are just jealous because you do not have one! Worf: <> Geordi: Okay, this should do it. Picard: It better! Data: Initiating dream sequence. Geordi: We should keep our eyes peeled. Even the smallest detail could have great significance. Picard: There he is. Let's follow him. Data: Pizza? Picard: What kind of pizza is it? Data: It is a gagh pizza. Worf: Geordi: Gagh! Picard: But what does it symbolize? Riker: Somebody answer the damn phone! Geordi: I think somebody's cranky today. Riker: Shut up! Get the phone! Geordi: Hello? Geordi: It's for you. Picard: Picard here. Lucy's Voice: Five cents please! Picard: Who is this? Lucy: I am the doctor Lucy Van Pelt. Picard: What are you doing here? Lucy: If I were to speculate on my significance in Data's dream, I would charge you five cents for it. So I won't. Miner #1: Be quiet! Lucy: Argh! Picard: They're trying to destroy the LAN system! But why? Data: No! You must not hop on Pop! Geordi and Picard: Huh? Miner #1: BE QUIET! Data: I have a better contract than you! Nyah nyah! Geordi: Well, that didn't help much. Data: I have come to the conclusion that this makes no sense at all. Picard: Q! Q: Oh, come on Picard, is that all you can say whenever you see me? I know my incredible beauty strikes you all speechless, but try to be a bit more creative next time! Picard: This is all your doing! Q: No, the part about the toilet paper I had nothing to do with. Picard: But why did you do this? Q: What? The bugs? Merely little plastic things left over from the Q Halloween party! The LAN system? It needed an upgrade anyway! And, just to show my good intentions, I'll hook it all up, configure it, and have it all running without any bugs! Picard: Not even a Q could do that! Q: Wanna bet? Ha! Picard: But why have you done this to us? Q: Did you notice that I've only had one cameo THE WHOLE SEASON?!?! All: Q: So, I'm taking over this parody! Let's all do the Hokey Pokey! You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out-- hey, lighten up! Picard: Enough of your stupid dances, Q! I did that dance in kindergarten! Q: Obviously no good came out of it. Lwuxana: (waving) Hello, Picard! Oh, wait, I'm not in this one. It's next week's. Ta-ta! Picard: What have you done to us?!?! Q: Nothing at all! Picard: Oh, all right, let's do the Hokey Pokey. WAIT! Next issue we momentarily interrupt the 7th season parodies to bring you... The crew of the Enterprise undertakes a final, desperate mission! And goes back in time to save Woodstock '94 from the greedy influences of the Ferengi! Can they get incredible ratings with this special episode? Find out... on the next trippy episode of Silly Trek: The Baby Boom Generation! ==================== STAR TREK COMICOLOGY ==================== (continued from RIF 19, 20, and 23) Star Trek, Issue #57 (February 1994) "Timecrime" Part 5 Sub-titled "Seems Like Old Times"" Writer: Howard Weinstein; Penciller: Rob Davis; Inker: Arne Starr; Letterer: Bob Pinaha; Colorist: Matt Webb; Cover: Rod Whigham & Carloes Garzon. Editor: Alan Gold. Published by DC Comics. PLOT: In the middle of the night, Klingo-Kirk, Klingo-Sulu, and the unnamed Klingon who attempted to kill Baraga, are removed from their prison-cell to meet with the big cheese himself (Baraga). Baraga asks them to tell him about the plot against him. Meanwhile, the time bandits (Gral, Divak & Rud - hey! they have names! And what names!) monitor the situation, trying to determine whether Kirk is still alive. Divak & Rud argue. Rud wants to intervene and Divak wants to wait. Dival tells Rud if Kirk fails, they will merely return to this time and save Baraga themselves. Baraga shoots the Klingon and then embraces Kirk & Sulu for saving him. The airshow goes on! Baraga's plane takes off and...goes kablooie, all over the place! Kirk & Sulu make a hasty retreat while the time bandits find time to bicker amongst themselves. The time bandits after a satisfying bicker decide to pursue the federation agents. Kirk & Sulu return to the rendezvous point, only to find the time bandits holding McCoy, Uhura, and Worf captive. Back on the big E, Spock tells Scotty that the Guardian has confirmed that the timeline has been corrected. The Romulans request immediate leave. Spock tells them they must wait until Kirk and Co. return. On the Klingon home planet, Rud looses it big time and starts screaming at Divak that they do not have enough fuel to return in time to save Baraga. Dival blasts Rud to high heaven (what a resolute commander!) Since Kirk and Co. have yet to return to their proper timeline, Spock, mega-suspicious, withdraws the time traveling Romulan's diplomatic immunity and arrests them for Conspiracy to Alter Time (if only we could do that in real life). Meanwhile, a ruckus is noticed on the streets where Kirk & Co. are being held. They turn on a radio to hear a speech by Baraga extolling his miraculous escape from the jaws of death. Relieved that the timeline has been corrected, Divak informs Kirk that Kirk's fate is to die there. Back in the E's time, Kor gets chewed out by Klingon authorities for being in Federation space (sometimes, it doesn't pay to get up in the morning). For some unknown reason, Divak spills the beans and tells Kirk that the time bandits are a group of rogue Klingon and Romulans who plotted to make the Klingons so weak that the Romulans could take over EVERYBODY!!! Worf & McCoy try to explain to the time bandits that their little plan overlooked the random nature of time -- that there is no way to predict the chain reactions which would result from tinkering with the timeline. The discussion is abruptly ended when their ship is attacked by another Klingon ship. The attacking Klingon ship wins and takes everyone back to the proper timeline where they belong (which brings up the interesting point that Kirk and Co. entered the past via the Guardian, but returned via Klingon Bird of Prey using the infamous and handy sling-shot effect). Apparently Kirk and Co. retained their memories from both timelines. Kor shakes Kirk's hand, ponders whether their experiences will reshape the future, and then leaves with Worf to return to the Klingon Empire. **THE END** Feels good, doesn't it? COVER: Klingo-Kirk and Klingo-Sulu IN SHACKLES from the point of view of three different Klingons aiming weapons at them. Behind them is the symbol of the Klingon Empire with massive potshots in the wall. Text: Time's Up! COMMENTS: As in the tradition of Trek, the last installment is the weakest. Several loose ends but still a fun shaggy dog story. How Spock deduced the Romulan's involvement and how returning the timeline to normal would help the time bandits are the two major loose ends. But what do we care, just as long everything is as it should be, right??? =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! Star Trek Horoscopes STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 1 A-C FROM ONE SIDE: Red Shirt Syndrome & Bashir Song HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 6 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: "Silly Trek: Return to Woodstock." ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN, Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address. Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF (and insure your copy of RIF one week prior to e- mail subscriptions!), please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given below). BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): Phone Name City ST SysOp ----------------------------------------------------------------- (805) 588-9349 Resistance is... Bakersfield CA Oxnardus (405) 282-4676 THE Q CONTINUUM OK The Q (604) 574-1523 U.S.S. NEXUS BBS B.C. CAN Admiral Kirk (607) 777-4866 SUNY-BBS Binghamton NY Drew Halasz (616) 381-1124 THE X-FACTOR Kalamazoo MI Lord Vader (617) 864-3375 BCSM BBS Boston MA J. M. Tretakoff (618) 746-0916 THE ACCESS BBS Scott AFB IL C. Claybaugh (703) 548-1507 INKWELL Alexandria VA Melanie Byas (805) 854-2478 DA WARREN Arvin CA L. Richardson (805) 933-1345 QUACKIN' UP Santa Paula CA Jeff Mercer (805) 987-5506 BEYOND THE REALM Camarillo CA Musical (905) 574-2467 COUNTDOWN CHAOS Hamilton ON CAN Spartan ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark and the holders of the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy trademarks and copyrights as having sole rights to theirs. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon any copyright or earn profit from this publication. The same is declared as to Hitch-HIker's Guide to the Galaxy. RIF is distributed free of charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about September 01, 1994. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or the Q at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com; DA WARREN: Oxnardus. RIPLEY: Editor. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com. THE Q: Editor Trainee. Prodigy: TSXW58B; FidoNet: Jake DeTommaso @ 1:147/74. CORRESPONDENTS: -------------- Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478; Internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com. David T Lu: Internet: lulu@ucrmath.ucr.edu Mickey McCarter: mickey@brahms.udel.edu CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ STEPHEN MENDENHALL (MFNG88B) DAVE COBLE