_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 25 August 15 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! Star Trek Horoscopes STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 1 A-C FROM ONE SIDE: Red Shirt Syndrome & Bashir Song HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 6 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: "Silly Trek: Return to Woodstock." UPCOMING IN RIF SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LIST OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES BACK ISSUES COPYRIGHT NOTICES Solicitations for next newsletter Addresses of contributors =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== At last the Post Office has heard our pathetic pleas and has assigned us a P.O. Box number. 81181. Sounds like music to our ears. Please send all land mail correspondence to this address: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308. RIF BBS is functioning at 14,400bps, 24 hours a day, at (805) 588-9349. We have ALL the back issues and the current RIF available for downloading. We store them in the ZIP format. I will no longer offer sending back issues through e-mail. However, if you have requested them prior to September 2, 1994, I will send them to you through e-mail. What a deal, no? As a break from the 7th season STNG parodies we have been running, we offer an original STNG humor piece where the crew takes a little trip in time to Woodstock '69 and '94. The season queue of parodies will resume in issue #26. Also, we are thinking of running ST:DS9 parodies as well. Why not drop me a line if you have any feelings one way or another. --Oxnardus ================================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! ================================= STAR TREK WEEKLY HOROSCOPE -------------------------- The Star Trek: The Next Generation character you will be most like this month. ARIES (March 21 - April 19) ST:TNG Character : Counsellor Troy You will have an uncanny insight into what others are feeling this weekend. You will be well received anywhere you go, as long as you don't say things like "All I feel from this room is pain and anger," then people will just find you annoying. Actually, people will probably find you annoying anyway. You will probably end up sitting at a bar listening to some drunk tell you all his problems. TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) ST:TNG Character : Lt. Commander Data If you are in a relationship, your partner will accuse you of not sharing your feelings. Here's a hint, don't respond "But I don't have any feelings." Beware of people trying to sell you memberships to tanning salons and electromagnetic radiation. GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) ST:TNG Character : Commander William T. Riker You will always feel like you are playing second fiddle this weekend. Don't you hate that? Where is your ambition? It's time to take control of your life. You deserve more respect than you get. If you want people to respect you, you have to kill the one they respect now. KILL ALL VIRGOS! KILL ALL VIRGOS! Oh, and you should clean up in poker this weekend too. CANCER (June 21 - July 22) ST:TNG Character : Ensign Wesley Crusher, Retired You are annoying. You are annoying. No one likes you. Everyone thinks you are obnoxious. Hopefully, you, like Wesley, will disappear for a couple of seasons. Then we won't have to put up with you again. Oh, and learn to say "please." It's only polite. LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22) ST:TNG Character : Lt. Worf For so long you have been caged. Always doing what you are told, even if your instincts told you different. This weekend, don't listen to your conscience, go out, be wild! Drink! Fight! Love! A great weekend to be the life of the party. Don't be surprised if someone tells you that you've got a nasty bump on your forehead. VIRGO (Aug.23 - Sept. 22) ST:TNG Character : Captain Jean-Luc Picard You have an inner strength and knowledge that people find appealing. People will flock to you, respect you, and admire you. However, they will demand a lot from you. Everyone will come to you for advice and direction. The burden of command will weigh heavy on your mind this weekend, frustrating you, zapping all your time and energy. You will pull all your hair out. Beware of Geminis. LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) ST:TNG Character : Lt. Tasha Yar You are like Tasha because she is dead, and so are you. You died last weekend, like I predicted. Why are you reading this? You are dead. It's true, you probably just haven't realized it yet. SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) ST:TNG Character : Borg, 6 of 9 You are just part of the machine this weekend. You will spend the weekend following the crowd, just doing whatever they do. Conformity is good. It requires little thought, and there is safety in numbers. There are drawbacks though. All those tubes that get stuck in your head, and the way your skin goes that deathly white... Ah, well, at least you have lots of friends. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) ST:TNG Character : The Q You are intelligent and powerful, but annoying. You think that putting others down will prove you better then them, but it won't. Everyone knows you are really insecure. Ah, heck. Who am I kidding. You are better then the rest of us. I'm just jealous because you are intelligent and powerful, unlike me. Sorry about what I said in that first paragraph. Can I still hang out with you? CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) ST:TNG Character : The U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D You are like the Enterprise because people admire you for you grace and beauty. Either that, or people think you are just a junky piece of metal. You decide. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) ST:TNG Character : Guinan Have a party, serve people drinks, and every once and a while tell a stupid story, and end it will some old tired cliche. People will think you are wise. PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) ST:TNG Character : Lt. Commander Geordi LaForge Actually, you will be more like a tuna this weekend, but there are no fish characters on ST:TNG. Except that one episode will the fish people who ate the squiggly things, but that was a stupid episode, and I don't remember what they are called, so I picked Geordi. I only picked him because he was the only main character I hadn't picked. Umm, I'm sure you must share some trait with him. Oh yeah, you are both Engineers! ---From the Bell Northern Research PARTE Newsletter no. 61. ===================================== STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE ===================================== Part One -------- If Bones married Dr. Crusher, would he be Dr. Bones-Crusher? Mother, I'd like to introduce your son-in-law, Lt. Worf. -Troi Cloaked tagline --> "Fascinating," said Spock, watching Kirk's lousy acting. "Mr. Worf fire at Will" "Which one sir?" "Sir! Klingons on the starboard bow!" "Well, scrape 'em off" "Who are you?" "I am the expendable red-shirt...AARRGGH!" "You summoned me, Captain?" asked T. Earl Grey, hotly. (bits of ice striking hull) "Captain, we're being hailed!" (Troi standing behind Worf) "Captain, I feel ... Worf!" ***THIS*TAGLINE*PROTECTED*BY*A*FORCE*FIELD*** *_?!^%$#+\)#!~ = Klingon for "Hello, dear." "Captain, we're being hailed" ===__-+- The No-Win Tagline *--=/__ *--=/__ *--=/__ -=> -XXXXXXXXXX ===__-*- XXXXXXXXXX- <=- Tholian Web Tag # of Vulcans needed to replace a bulb? Precisely 1.000000 1 photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it 2 Betazoids walk into a bar.One says "I'll have the same" 2nd star on the right, then on until morning 50% off all spiked boots at the Kahless shoe source! 8 yrs stuck on a planet & all I get is a stinkin trombone A BANDAID? Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a... oh, yeah. A surprised Data is propositioned by the E's Computer. A type II phaser beats four aces.--Worf,on a bad poker night A victim of a prank, Geordi puts a banana over his eyes. A Vulcan stole my homework! þ Nog Aaarrrggghhh! = Klingon for, "Go ahead. Make my day." Actually, there IS a banana in my pocket... Ah don't know, Jim, Ah thank it's some kahnd of vahrus. All babies speak Klingonese All I ever needed to know I learned on Star Trek. All life's answers are on Star Trek. All right, who's been cooking hot dogs in the warp nacelle? All the science in Star Trek is consistent and correct .. And it's Worf, Madam, not 'Woof'! - Worf And starring as Star Trek Bimbo of the Week: And that's Worf Madam, not Woof! --Worf And the hide & Seek grand Champion once again is... Odo And this, Wesley, is an airlock. Any seats left? There's SPACE in the FINAL FRONT TIER. Are you sure it isn't time for a colorful metaphor? --Spock. Arrive alive, ahead Warp 5. ASCII 32... The Final Frontier At a Betazoid wedding, everybody can see who the best man is. AT&T Subspace : The next best thing to beaming there. Bashir Burger: Just a burger, but thinks it's a Big Mac. Be wewy wewy quiet... I'm hunting Womulins!! Beam me a broad, Scotty.. Beam me aboard Scotty. Aye, will a 2x4 do captain? Beam me up, Scotty, but leave the others here. Beam me up, Scotty - it ate my phaser! Beam me up Scotty, no intelligent life on this BBS Beam me up, Scotty, the elevators don't work Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life here Beam me up Scotty. This isn't the men's room. Beam me up Scotty.... I swallowed my Phaser. Beam me up Scotty! She says she's .... pregnant! Beam me up Scotty! The liberals have taken over! Beam me up Scotty! The rabbit just died! Beam me up. Scotty, there's no...Erk-gh..Arg...Spklt-t... Beam Me Up Scotty, ............*S-C-O-T-T-Y*!!! Beam Me UP Scotty........It's a Planet Of Nuns Beat me up, Scotty. No sado-masochism on this planet. Being one man too many, Ensign Extra is booted off the E. Betazoid Modem: It downloads the files it senses you want Betazoid wedding dress... Can't beat the price. Beverly can turn Data off but only Tasha can turn him on. Binar Ping Pong Tournament score: 01100 to 10101 Blonde Klingons: Because it was a good day to dye! Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse..." Bones, I hate your #@!*% human guts. Discussion? Bones, I'm a captain, not a doctor. - Kirk Bones: He's dead Jim! Jim: No kidding !! Bones? Dr.Crusher? Chiropractic in the Federation. Botany Bay... Botany Bay...oh, no! * Chekov But I *HAVE* had command training! þ Beverly But most of all, IT WAITS FOR YOU! Star Trek DS9. C:\>DEL C:\REALITY.SYS.....C:\>Copy A:\TREK\*.* C: Can you do the Picard Maneuver in a Grand Am? Capt'n! The spellchecker kanna take this abuse! Captain, a Klingon does NOT play Tetris! Captain, I don't know who to trust anymore. * Ensign Ro Captain, I need to kill someone. þ Worf Captain, I protest. I am NOT a merry man! - Worf Captain, I sense a million minds staring at my cleavage Captain, I sense millions of minds staring at my body ... Captain, I sense... a PLOT DEVICE! Captain, I sense......that Worf and I are married Captain Kirk: We come in peace. Shoot to kill. Captain, ma puir bairns! Ye deleted 'em! Captain, please. Not in front of the Klingons. Captain Pollard.. Renegade ship approac!#$(@#&$* NO CARRIER Captain, the UARTs won't take this Speed! Captain, there be mail here! Captain, this board seems highly illogical. Captain, we are being hailed. Get out your umbrella. Captain, we are receiving 285,000 hails. - Wesley Captain, we have engaged dataschlurp mode! Captain, why do our phasers look like dustbusters? Captain, why do you have floor wax in here? Captain: Sensors detect the presence of a line eater! Captain! Someone has snorted all the dilithium crystals! Captain! The spell checker canna take this much abuse!! ============= FROM ONE SIDE ============= Nobody likes to go back to work after a fun vacation (unless they work on Risa), but everybody has to. I came back from my vacation, and suddenly remembered that I had a column to write! This posed a problem, because I also remembered that I had a one-week break before I had to leave home again. Probably less than .03415% of RIF readers care about my personal life, but there's a good reason for my telling it--the rest of this column isn't really mine. Instead, it was written by others quite some time ago, and was subsequently posted in my cube (GEnie). The first is a Top Ten list posted last year by E.FROHMAN1 [Elsa]: TOP 10 WAYS TO AVOID "REDSHIRT SYNDROME" (SUDDEN DEATH AFTER APPEARING FOR THE FIRST TIME) IN THE 24TH CENTURY -------------------------------------------------- 10. Recite a few lines from "Henry the V" as you enter the bridge, no officer has ever died after reciting Shakespeare. (However, avoid reciting lines from "A Winter's Tale." This play is so silly someone will probably phaser before you finish a sentence.) 9. Shave your head, bald officers are nearly indestructible. 8. Never ever use contractions--one guest on the Enterprise is known to have been beamed out into space because he used a contraction. 7. If you're asked if you'd like to be the 4th member of an away team with 3 command officers--remember that you need to rearrange your sock drawer, and just can't make it. 6. Develop an accent--vaguely European, a brogue, Russian--it doesn't matter. Starfleet officers with accents NEVER get killed. 5. Stay in your quarters and never come out--ever. 4. Wear a large, unusual hat. If nothing else, it can be used as a shield when aliens beam onto the Enterprise bridge and start shooting anyone who doesn't get listed in the opening credits. 3. If the leader of an away team asks you to "go over there and check out that noise," reply "if it's all the same to you, sir, I'd rather stay here with you." 2. Develop a characteristic line, for example: "Dammit Jean-Luc, I'm a navigator, not a sous chef." If you're not court marshalled, you'll be absolutely safe from alien attacks. And the number one way to avoid Redshirt Syndrome is: CHANGE YOUR SHIRT. The next one is from earlier this year, posted by J.MORRIS45 [Jeff & Mary]. THE BASHIR SONG (to the tune of "Henry VIII") --------------------------------------------- I'm Julian Bashir I am Julian Bashir I am I am I practice medicine on Deep Space Nine Witty and intelligent and I look so fine So when you're hurt call for Julian (Julian!) Never call a Crusher or Selar (no sir!) I'm the deep space doc, I'm Julian Julian Bashir I am I am Julian Bashir I am! (second verse, same as the first!) I hope you enjoyed these, and again I need to express thanks to Elsa, Jeff, and Mary. Hopefully, future columns won't be like this one, and I definitely plan to make an effort to have a FOS in every RIF (Aren't abvs. fun?). ---Ti'nae Seyan ==================================================== HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 6 of 8 ==================================================== by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter SCENE 11: [The situation aboard the Enterprise has now become intolerable. Data is incapacitated by the computer, which is trying to manufacture tea. Wesley is attempting to communicate with slime that is living in the Borg sewer. Most importantly, Captain Picard is a hostage aboard the Borg ship where undescribably hideous things will happen to him if Riker does not come up with a plan of action soon...] Riker: So, Deanna, now that I'm the Captain, I don't see any problems with us rekindling our past intimate relationship... Worf: (interrupting Riker purposefully) Commander Riker, sir! I have just received a report from security regarding the escape of Zaphod Beeblebrox and his associates. Riker: What? Dammit! My first chance to actually be in command and everything goes wrong! Where are they, Worf? Worf: They are still in the shuttle bay, sir. Auxiliary computer relays show that they are unable to leave because their computer is linked with ours. Riker: What? Why? Data: (turning from his console) I believe I can answer that, sir. Riker: Data! You're okay! Data: Yes, Commander. Is there any reason why you would believe that I have suffered some kind of harm or affliction? Riker: Never mind, Data. Just tell me why the Heart of Gold's computer is tied in with ours. Data: That is most interesting, sir. You see, the two computers had joined forces in order to produce a real cup of tea. When I connected to the Enterprise computer systems, I became so intrigued by the idea that I devoted my full positronic abilities to assisting them in this task. The paradox inherent in the procedure was quite interesting. By cross-circuiting... Riker: Understood, Data. What's the current status of the computer? Data: All systems are one hundred percent on line, Commander. Riker: Then what are we waiting for? Mr. Worf, lock phasers on the Borg ship. Worf: (with smug anticipation) Phasers locked, sir. Riker: Fire!! [The Enterprise's phasers lanced out at the Borg, accidentally hitting a major power distributor, rendering a few service robots inactive. A couple more torpedoes finally managed to do more than ruining its paint job. The Borg cut off its tractor beam for a few moments to perform a minor architectural remodeling. Troi: Will! Riker: Not _now_, Deanna. Troi: No, I feel that something horrible is happening to the Captain! Riker: The Captain? Captain Picard? What could the Borg be doing to him? Data: Sir, I feel that I should point out that we are the party currently inflicting possible harm onto Captain Picard. Riker: Oops! Worf, cease fire! Worf: (obstinantly) Is that really necessary, sir? Riker: Now, Worf! [The phaser fire halts, but before the shields go back up, two slimy creatures materialize in the middle of the bridge. The first one, apparently the leader, is wearing its ambassador ceremonial pizza-box shorts and a ring of partly decomposed aluminum cans around the neck. He is accompanied by an assistant wearing a less glamorous half-eaten microwave-dinner suit and a non-biodegradable styrofoam cup necklace. Both are emitting an odor that is suspiciously similar to a truckload of well-aged deceased fish upon which someone had accidentally dumped a couple gallons of the O' Janx Spirit.] Wesley: I did it! I managed to communicate with an emissary from the Borg's waste system! Emissary: We are the Slimers. We have just being created, and we are very curious about this universe. We believe in peace, justice, truth, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other life forms! [One of the spiky, slimy, squiggly eel-like creatures immediately slings itself around Wesley's neck and then proceeds to choke him.] Data: Commander Riker, it would seem that the inhabitants of the Borg's waste system are decidedly hostile in their inter- actions with other lifeforms. Riker: Thank you, Mr. Data, but I think that we can all see that for ourselves. Wesley: Gyaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! Worf: Commander, I would like permission to go recapture the escaped prisoners. Alone this time if I may. Riker: Permission granted, Mr. Worf. Before you go, call Dr. Crusher to the bridge. We have a combination of save-the-ailing- crew-member and your-son-is-in-mortal-danger scenario here for her. That should really give her something to work on. SCENE 12: [Things are not going well for the Enterprise and the Heart of Gold. Picard is _still_ kidnapped by the Borg, Zaphod still thinks he's a very depressed fish, and Wesley is still struggling with a piece of neckwear that more or less resembles a living microwave pizza grease called Slimer ...] Worf: I have hailed Dr. Crusher, Commander, although I feel it would still be better to let Wesley have a warrior's death. It would finally allow him some honor and dignity. Riker: Thank you, Mr. Worf. Now go get the prisoners. Worf: Yes, sir! [Worf turns and marches out while the rest of the bridge crew turns to the other Slimer.] Riker: Can't you make your fellow Slimer stop this mindless violence against Wesley? He _is_ one of your kind! Troi: But Will, I can sense that mindless violence is the whole purpose of their existence! Their thoughts are filled with peace ... Slimer: Justice ... Troi and Slimer: Truth, sport, family life, the obliteration of all other life forms ... Slimer: And the most aromatic socks for our Kamikaze head- bands. [The second Slimer immediately slings itself at Data, who simply grabs it in mid-air. He examines the creature with some curiosity as it tries to swat at him with its tail.] Data: What should I do with it, Commander Riker? Riker: Kill it, Data! It might get one of us! Data: But, sir, to kill another living creature, even a murderous one, when I have it incapacitated as such, would be... [Riker draws his phaser and vaporizes the Slimer, being careful not to hit Data. He casually replaces the phaser with a shrug.] Riker: We didn't need another moral dilemma on our hands. Troi: Perhaps you should shoot the one that is choking Wesley as well. Wesley: Ggggggnnnnnnrrrrrrffffffkkk!!! Riker: No, I'm afraid that there is too much risk of vaporizing Wesley with the creature. We'll just have to wait it out. Wesley: TTTTThhhhyyyyyaaaaaaaarrrrrr! [Meanwhile, On the Heart of Gold, Trillian has finally begun to synthesize a cure for Zaphod's unusual chemical imbalance with Eddie's help. Arthur and Ford stand watch outside the Heart of Gold while Trillian and Eddie continue their work.] Arthur: I don't understand why I'm constantly being left out of the problem-solving procedures around here. Ford: Well, do you know anything about Betelguesian body chemistry? Arthur: Well, no, not exactly, but... Ford: How about the synaptical pathways between two brains? Arthur: Two brains? Well, not as such as two brains, no... Ford: Then don't worry about it, Arthur. At least out here we're safe if Zaphod wakes up and goes insane on us again. Arthur: I rather thought the whole idea behind Zaphod was that he is supposed to be insane. Ford: Yeah, well, I mean insane for Zaphod. I mean that if you accept his base level of insanity as being sane in Zaphod's case, then you could say that Zaphod has gone insane, I suppose. Arthur: Then I think he has the right idea. Maybe _we_ should go insane. Ford: Well, the universe is a funny place. Maybe you'll get your wish someday. Arthur: (after a pause) Ford? Ford: Yeah? Arthur: I think I would rather be out here than inside. It is much more peaceful here in the shuttle bay. [Suddenly, the doors to Shuttle Bay Three fly open and a growling Worf leaps in. He immediately tackles Ford, causing him to drop his satchel. Arthur steps back, timidly observing the ensuing battle. Worf tosses Ford across the floor, and leaps after him.] Will the Enterprise be able to rescue Captain Picard? Will Dr. Crusher be able to rescue Wesley? Will Trillian be able to rescue Zaphod? Will Arthur be able to rescue Ford? And finally, will _anyone_ be able to rescue Troi from Riker? Find out, on next month's exciting episode of ... The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation! ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ BACK! BY POPULAR DEMAND! The crew of the Enterprise return in a BRAND SPANKING NEW Silly Trek special! Yes, folks, Hareware Productions psychedelically presents "Silly Trek: Return to Woodstock." The timely social satire featuring creatures from the hit syndicated TV series, "Star Trek: The Next Generation." In other words, another parody. Don't worry, it's short. By Leonard Richardson. Woodstock Goer #1: Hey, Woodstock Goer #2, it's just not the same. Woodstock Goer #2: The same as what? WG #1: I dunno. The Clinton administration? WG #2: I think that's a lot like this. WG #1: Hey, maybe they meant the original Woodstock. And we would be implying that this was different from the original Woodstock in some way. WG #2: A joke! WG #1: Yeah, too bad you had to go and ruin it with your smart-aleck comment. WG #2: Well I didn't know! Picard: Data, where the hell are we? Data: Woodstock, sir. Picard: The timeline must have been damaged more than we thought. Data: Sir if I may interject, I believe that this is not 1969. It is 1994. Picard: Then obviously we've been sent here for some reason other than to have a good time. Worf: Didn't you read the mission briefing? Picard: No, why are we here? Worf: To make rude comments and bad jokes. Picard: Ooooh, this must be a parody! No wonder that time portal we discovered was activated by tap-dancing. The REAL writers would never stoop to that! Crusher: Don't count on it. Riker: Well I'm here for the orgies! Picard: I'd look over there. Data: Sir, I have discovered what is wrong with the timeline. Apparently some Ferengi have come through the time portal before us and taken over the festival. Picard: Are you sure it wasn't greedy Humans who did it? That seems a heck of a lot more likely to me. Data: No, this is a STAR TREK parody. It was Ferengi. Besides, this was not handled according to the Human laws of Greatly Successful Events and Their Sequels. Geordi: Which is? Data: A-one for the money, a-two for the show. Worf: Troi: There's only one thing we can do! Worf: What, seek out the Ferengi's secret base and blow it up, thus single-handedly saving the free world from stuffiness? Riker (offstage): I heard that! Troi: Actually I was thinking of going and buying Slurpees. Crusher: There is another alternative. We can go back in time again to Woodstock '69 and warn the past versions of these people. Picard: That sounds more like the kind of plot twist Leonard would think up. Geordi: Data, are you sure this isn't the original festival? Data: I will check. I know many languages, hippy is one of them. Data: Hey man, want some acid? I got extra. Guy: Maybe... what's the fat content? Data: It is 1994. Picard: Then we'll go back in time and drag out the parody. Data: Sir, we may want to get some clothes of the period. I believe we would be assaulted in these uniforms. Picard: All right. Hey Riker! We're going to 1969! Riker: I'm staying! Cop: Hey, what are you people doing?! Riker: Er... 1969 it is! Picard: This is 1969? Data: Yes sir. Geordi: It looks the same... except no food stands... Data: The information booth is over there. We should get some maps. Picard: Why? Data: So we can find the stage. Blackberry: Hey. What can I do for you? Data: Me and the rest of the commune would like some maps, my man. Blackberry: Sure thing. Whatcha here for? Riker: Sex! Worf: Drugs! Geordi: Rock 'n' roll! Blackberry: The whole package deal, huh? Data: The stage is over there. Picard: Good. Go up on the stage and warn the festival goers to the future Ferengi threat. Data: Will do. Blackberry: Trippy forehead, man. Worf: Thank you. Caption: SIX HOURS LATER Worf: TROI! Make them go away! Troi: Huh... what? Worf: The walls are crawling with giant, fanged Beaver Cleavers! Troi: I warned you to lay off the acid! Worf: AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAH! Data: Where is Picard? Picard: Over here. Why didn't you get onstage? Data: I could not sir, It was a solid mass of people for two hundred meters. Picard: We'll have to transport onto the stage! Geordi: It would be a snappy entrance. Data: The people will be expecting music. They will riot if we do nothing but talk. Geordi: I think I can see where this is going. Picard: Who's that dying onstage? Geordi: That's singing. Oh wow! Jimi Hendrix is on! Picard: Who's Jimi Hendrix? Worf: My idol. Geordi: He's only a few feet away! Picard: So am I! Geordi: Good point. Guy: Hey! Get onstage! Yer on! Picard: Thank you, thank you. And now, a warning-- Guy: Hey! Get off! The next group's coming on! Picard: Wait a minute, I know who you are! All: Q!!! Q: Muahahaha! Picard: What is the meaning of this, Q? Q: This has all been a test! Picard: Of what? Q: I forgot. Picard: Enough of your amnesia, Q! Announcer: And so all was returned to normal. There were no Ferengi at Woodstock, that turned out to be just a cheap throwaway line. Everyone went home and called Da Warren BBS, and the announcer got a voiceover. The end. Caption: THE END Next time, on Silly Trek: The Next Generation... HEEEEEEEEEERE'S LWAXANA! =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! What if the Borg Assimilated the Nanites? STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 2: C-F HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 7 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: "Park Place" [Dark Page] TNG #259 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN, Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address. 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Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about September 05, 1994. Send submissions to Oxnardus, Ripley, or the Q at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm.com; BorgNet: Oxnardus; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308 RIPLEY: Editor. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com. CORRESPONDENTS: -------------- Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478; Internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com. David T Lu: Internet: lulu@ucrmath.ucr.edu Mickey McCarter: mickey@brahms.udel.edu CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ Bell Northern Research PARTE Newsletter no. 61. Ti'nae Seyan: GEnie: star; Internet: star@genie.geis.com