_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 26 September 01 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Back Issues Available YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! What if the Borg Assimilated the Nanites? STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 2: C-F HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 7 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: "Parkplace" [Dark Page] TNG #259 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR UPCOMING IN RIF SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES COPYRIGHT NOTICES SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== All back issues are now available from RIF BBS [14,400 bps & lower] (805) 588-9449 or at any of the other RIF distribution sites. If you have difficulties downloading or locating back issues of RIF, you can mail a self-addressed stamped legal sized envelope (enough postage to cover 1 oz. to the address on the envelope) with a blank 3.5 formatted floppy (only PCs are available at this time--however I will have access to an Apple in October) to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308. Please indicate which RIFs you would like and I will send it back to you. --Oxnardus ================================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED -- NOT!!! ================================= A SILLY TOP TEN LIST -------------------- What if the Borg assimilated the Nanite culture (they are an intelligent life form packing lots of tech, the Borg should be interested). Ten results: 10 Borg ships the size of softballs. 9 Borg ships with the power output of a 30W light bulb. 8 Borg assimilation of tricorders and hand phasers becomes a real annoyance for Starfleet. 7 Borg get massacred by Packleds. 6 Ferengi discover that a trash can with a Borg cube in the bottom never has to be emptied. 5 Borg endangered by felines playing with their cubes. 4 The Borg scout cubes are found to be the advance over the Swiss Army knife that the Boy Scout knife wasn't. 3 Borg cubes make a great substitute for bricks. 2 Borg space heaters. 1 Borg Hockey! ---SuperQman ===================================== STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE ===================================== Part Two -------- Cardassian Burger: How many pickles do YOU see? Cardassians Who Hate Bajorans and Bajorans Who Love Them CAUTION: We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical! Check the dilithium crystals, we got us a cross-echo! Chekov, install the EMS board. Chekov, when the screaming starts. CHEKOV: He orders you to surrender this "wessel"! CHEKOV: We are looking for nuclear "wessels". CHEKOV: What's emergency plan "B" ? CHEKOV: You are a master of understatement! CHEKOV: You are in "wiolation" of Neutral Zone treaty! Chief O'Brien, beam Mr. Clinton and Mr Gore to the brig. CHILL OUT: Data can never be human. Chocolate is serious business. * Deanna Choking on Science Fiction? Apply the Heinlein Maneuver. Clap On(Wheee)... Clap Off(Thump) - Melora with Clapper. Cloaked Captioned for the Romulan Impaired. Coming soon from Dr. Soong: Mouse support for Data!! Computer, run program "Shower 2A" with Beverly and Troi. Computer: Run TROI in I AM DEATH INCARNATE mode.* Barclay Confused? Call Counselor Troi, 1-900-NCC-1701, $1.95/min. Counselor Troi, please report to my room. Clothing optional. Counselor, can I, uh, use your com-badge? -- Riker Counselor Troi with a marguerita on the beach at Tenagra. Counselor, you have an amazing command of the blatantly obvious. Cry on someone else's shoulder, I'm off-duty. þ Troi Crystalline Entity(R), the finest name in chandeliers... Damage control is easy. Reading Klingon -- that's hard. Damm it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a tagline writer. Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a Software Pirate! Dammit, Jim, I'm a floor wax, not a dessert topping! Dammit Jim - I'm a programmer, not a doctor! Dammit Jim, I'm a Trekkie, not a moderator! Dammit Jim, you're a bad actor! Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a Computer Programmer! Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a Computer Repairman! Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a Detective! Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a Navigator! Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a physician! - McCoy Dammit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a Telephone Repairman! Dammit, Jim! I'm a meteorologist, not a forecaster! Dammit, where'd I leave that tagline? Damn it Bill, I'm an actor, not a doctor... Damn it Jim, I'm an Alzheimer's patient, not a...uh...uh. Damn it Jim! I'm a doctor not a beta tester! Damn! Outta Antimatter. I told Geordi $50 wasn't enough Dan Quayle for Starship Yamato Engineer Darmok and Jilad at the mud-wrestling championships. Data- "It IS the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man, Captain!" Data compression: When you squash an android Data convinces the Coke machine that Pepsi is better. Data, data everywhere, and not a byte to eat! Data does it in serial... - Tasha Yar Data enjoys a smoke after interfacing with the Computer. Data, I thought you were dead? "No I just rebooted" Data uses Energizers! His mouth keeps going...and going.. DATA!?! What are you doing to that cat? --Troi Dax-Burger Deluxe: Has been five other burgers before. Dax Burger: Really a Hot Dog living inside a burger. Dax - just another slug with a pretty face . . . Deanna tries to read my mind and sees taglines. Deanna tries to read Picard's mind and sees Pontiac. Deanna Troi: "Oh, Worf! It's got little ridges!" Deanna Troi: Goddess of THE ENTERPRISE! Deanna, when the frosting is mint. Deep Space Nine: The Third Coming of Star Trek! Definition of Terror: A female Klingon with PMS. Deflector shields just came on, Captain. Dialysis? My God! What is this, the dark ages? * McCoy Did Qmodem originate in the Q continum? Die Soon and Decay - A Vulcan Curse Dirty Harry as a trill: "Go ahead Punk! Make OUR day!" Do it now! There might be a law against it tomorrow... Does Commander Data have an over byte? Does Data have a Pentium Overdrive upgrade socket? Don't bother me, Worf is about to kill something! Don't laugh - it's got warp capability! Dr. Lester - that's my pants that you're wearing! - Kirk Dr. McCoy, I hate your #*@%ing human guts. Discussion? Dr. Soong did not intend me to be used this way. þ Data Dr. Soong seen on Golondan Core with Elvis! Earl Grey...no. Make that a lemonade. Cold. - Picard Either he's dead Jim ... or my tricorder is. ENERGIZE, said Picard, and a pink bunny appeared Engage, Mr. Crusher! (Wesley lunges for Troi) Engineering, this is the Captain Picard...more Nitro!!! Ens. Crusher, check that leaking warp core please. Ensign Expendable, step on that rock! - Kirk Ensign Crusher, here is your mop and bucket Ensign Fodder, report to transporter for away team duty. Ensign Singer... Make it sew. Ensign Walnut approaches Dr. Crusher with caution.... Error: REALITY.SYS not found, install STARTREK.SYS? (y,n) Everyone BACKUP, he's got a magnet! - Data Excuse me, do you mind if I squish in here? - Odo Extra pickles. A warrior's condiment! --Worf Feeling suicidal? Wear red & beam down. Ferengi Burger: 25 Cents. With bun, $100 Ferengi play it by ear. Ferengis, Romulans, and Vulcans....Lend me your ears! Ferengis! Well, there goes the neighborhood. ==================================================== HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 7 of 8 ==================================================== by David T Lu and Mickey McCarter SCENE 13: [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy notes that one of the Klingon's many expertise is their skill at skeletal and organ remodeling---one of the most tricky of all modern medical specialties. The Klingons are so skilled, in fact, that with proper coercing, they will even lend out their services for free. [The Guide goes on to explain that the best way to coerce such services out of a Klingon is to simply tell the Klingon that he is, in fact, a very nice person.] [Interestingly, Ford Prefect was able to coerce such services out of a Klingon without any provocation. Showing, once again, that reality is terribly mistaken and wildly inaccurate and that only The Guide is indeed the true source of all universal knowledge and wisdom.] [With a single hand, Worf lifts Ford high above the head, spins him around a number of revolutions, and then lightly flicks him off with a twist of his wrist. Ford lands a few meters away like a sack of potatoes.] Ford: Omph. ARTHUR!! Arthur: Err ... [Worf pounces on Ford and slaps him against the hull of the Heart of Gold.] Ford: Ouch! Say, Arthur ... [Worf grabs Ford and bounces him against the door to the shuttle bay.] Arthur: Ford, are you trying to tell me something? [Worf jumps on and begins choking Ford by lightly pressing his left pinky against Ford's throat.] Ford: Arthur! Ggggg-ack-get... Arthur: Hmmm? What was that Ford? I can't really distinguish what it is that you are saying due to the ... err ... difficulties you seem to be suffocating ... I mean suffering. [Worf begins to skillfully bounce Ford on his legs, feet, and head in such a fashion that would've caused a hundred British soccer fans to break out of an Italian jail, ransack a few neighboring pubs, and launch a few ICBM's as well.] Ford: (mouth jibbering) Sssatcheerrrk! Arthur: Ah, I see! Am I correct in deducing that you are requesting my help with your current ... (he pauses in search for the right word) ... engagement, and that you would like me to, ummm, pass you your satchel? [Ford frantically nods his head as Worf slides his face along the wall.] Arthur: Well,...I'll just go over there, and, uhm, get the satchel, then ... [Worf grabs Ford and wipes the floor with him (literally). Arthur scurries past them and gets the satchel. He quickly opens it and examines the contents.] Arthur: Let's see, the Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic and signaling device, some peanuts, twenty pounds, some rather compromising pictures of a brunette I once saw you dating, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, an improbable number of credit cards, and a towel. Ford: (flying into another wall) The towel! Give me the towel! [Worf starts toward Ford again.] Arthur: (tossing Ford the towel) Ford, I really don't think that this is the appropriate time for bath apparel. I fail to see what ... [Arthur is cut short by a savage snarl from Worf, who leaps by Arthur a bit too close for comfort. Arthur snaps the satchel shut and retreats to the Heart of Gold. While he is retreating, however, he manages to trip over his own feet. Just when Arthur should be about to hit the ground, he catches a glimpse of the rather distracting sight of Ford Prefect dancing with his towel.] [This, of course, causes Arthur to completely miss the ground.] [Arthur bobbed in the air as Worf attacked Ford yet again. Ford jumped to the side and, holding on to the two opposite edges of his towel, binds it around Worf's head and then leaps onto his back. With one swift motion and a rather un-nerving growl, Worf throws Ford over his shoulders and narrowly missing the wobbily floating Arthur Dent.] [Arthur bobbed slightly higher as Worf leaps under him after Ford. Luckily for Arthur, the law of physics is too busy concentrating on the Klingon suddenly slamming into Ford Prefect's chest to notice him resting at his somewhat unusual altitude.] [Ford quickly wraps the towel around Worf's throat, and shuts it tight. Worf stands up unhurriedly and, with another Enterprise- shattering growl, rips the towel away from his neck. Holding Ford by his cuff, Worf shook and shook until Ford thought he's seeing five Eccentrica Gallumbits strip-teasing in the background.] [While Ford and Worf continue to struggle, or, more accurately, while Worf continues to shook and Ford continues to wriggle, Arthur has gotten the hang of this flying stuff once again. He floats over to Worf and gives him a swift kick on the back of the head. Worf collapses noiselessly to the ground; Ford and his towel land rather awkwardly underneath him.] Ford: (panting) Good work, Arthur. Rather brilliant of you ... to decide to fly ... Arthur: Ahem. Thank you, Ford, but I ... Ford: Now, how 'bout help me get out (cough) from this Klingon mess ... [Meanwhile Trillian, with the help of Eddie, has brought sanity (or insanity, depends on one's private View of Things) back to Zaphod, who is now standing in the Heart of Gold and beaming out brightly at the ensemble in the Shuttle Bay. Trillian stands a little behind him.] Zaphod: (giving out a little laugh) Hi guys, what's beating you? [Startled, Arthur twirled around to face Zaphod, slightly losing his balance.] Trillian: My God, Arthur, you can't possibly be flying! [Now freed from the myriad of exercises that Worf had been giving it the last five minutes or so, The law of physics suddenly glances sharply at Arthur, demanding to know what in the universe he thinks he's doing up there, and suddenly the ground greets Arthur's jaw with the sort of smug self-righteousness you would expect from the ground when it sees the law of gravity (even artificial gravity) blatantly denied, then suddenly corrected.] Arthur: I think we should probably get back to the Heart of Gold. Now. [They found that they had to carry Ford into the ship.] SCENE 14: [Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Enterprise, Dr. Beverly Crusher has just arrived at the bridge.] Beverly: Oh my God, Commander, you've got to save my son! Riker: But I'm too busy trying to save the Captain right now. Which one do you want me to save first? Beverly: Oh. Err ... [Suddenly, the Slimer loses grip on Wesley, and drops to the deck, gasping.] Slimer: Slime! Grease! Hazardous nuclear wastes! Cough, cough! [Wesley, now disengaged from Slimer, runs into Beverly's open arms as the two closes in for a sentimental embrace.] Troi: Ohhh ... how sweet. This is such a touching moment *snif*. Slimer: This place is too dry, too clean! I need water, great rolling tides of black, polluted water! Seas! Seas of pizza cartons! Oceans of spilled crude oil and hazardous waste drums! Data: I believe the creature is dying, sir. [Riker pulls out his phaser and vaporizes Slimer.] Riker: (shrugs) Just putting it out of its misery. [Wesley and Beverly continues to hug vigorously.] Riker: Okay, Wes, now take your stations. We're going to rescue Captain Picard. Wesley: (disengaging from Beverly) Yes sir. Riker: Load phasers and torpedoes, lock on target, and fire! Wesley: Weapons fired, Commander. [There was a few blasts of orange-red explosions as the Enterprise's weapons hit a few Borg landscape designers out on the hull surveying the ship's exterior tower formation and arguing heatedly over the degree of curvatures necessary for the service robot pathways in order to achieve maximum karma enjoyment.] Riker: Data, damage report. Data: Scanning, sir. Wesley: Commander! [Wesley is pointing at the main viewer, where they can see the Borg ship slowly deteriorating. Bits and pieces are floating off its hull. Lights are flashing on and off uncertainly, then decide to simply cease functioning.] Troi: It's dying, I can feel it! It's so ... oh! [Troi suddenly collapses onto the deck, weeping. Dr. Crusher kneels down beside her, and runs her Sens-O-Medic over her body. She then throws up her hands hopelessly.] Beverly: Sorry, Commander. Everything checks out normal. There's nothing I can do. Data: Counselor Troi is correct, Commander. Sensors are indicating that the Borg is losing power at an astounding rate. Wesley: Yes! We did it! We've destroyed the Borg! Data: But what about the Captain? Riker: There's nothing we can do about him now. I guess I'll just have to take over from now on. Data, turn the ship around. Let's get out of here. Wesley: Sir, the Borg is hailing us. Riker: What? Oh, err ... Wesley: It's probably the Borg asking for the terms of surrender. Riker: Really? Oh, okay. Data, open visual transmissions on screen. [On the main viewer, a dismayed, limping, slouching, metallic figure walks up the Borg's remaining operating camera. In the background, they can see dense, acrid smokes fast filling the entire Borg ship. The figure seems to be dragging something heavy behind him.] Figure: Hello there. Will Zaphod and company finally be able to escape? Will Worf force himself into the Heart of Gold before they can do so? Is Captain Picard dead? Will Troi ever recover from her grief over ... what? And finally, who is this mysterious metallic figure who hailed them from the Borg? For the answers to these, and many other, non-towel-related questions, watch for next month's exciting _CONCLUSION_ of ... The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation! ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions nauseously presents "Park Place" A parody of ST:TNG's "Dark Page" TNG Production # 259 By Leonard Richardson Picard (voiceover): Captain's Log, which has no stardate because Leonard missed it again. We have been dispatched to Cheeto XIV to finalize agreements by the Cheetos to join the Federation. LWAXANA TROI!!!> All: YAY! Lwaxana: What was that? Picard: Er... somebody probably just landed on Free Parking or something, we wouldn't want you to think we actually liked you on this ship or anything. Lwaxana: Anyway, as I was saying, since the Cheetos could only communicate by playing Monopoly, I was a natural for the job. Picard: How's that? Lwaxana: Why, I've won the Galactic Monopoly Tournament for the past seven years! Didn't you notice? Geordi: Ya know Data, this parody's gonna be really lame. Data: That is my conclusion as well. Geordi: Maybe we could stir things up a bit. Data: How? Geordi: Well, we could call the 900 Tribble Hotline and charge it to Worf's room. Data: Or we could pretend there was a core breach and make everyone else evacuate, and then take the ship to Risa and pick up babes! Geordi: I've got it! We'll use the TOP SECRET AUTHOR CONTACT LINE! Data: The secret device to contact Leonard with! But Picard has it hidden in his quarters! Geordi: We'll find it! Let's go! Picard: Hey, where are you going? Data: Er... Geordi: To Engineering! There was... er... that is... Data: Barclay screwed up again! Picard: I'll come with you! Geordi: No sir, it's fine, just stay there and play Monopoly with Ms. Troi. Picard: <> Geordi: Look! Under his bed! Data: A toupee! Both: Geordi: Maybe it's a dustball. Data: Why does the captain have a picture of Dr. Crusher on his nightstand? Geordi: Probably just a Christmas gift. Data: Why is she naked? Geordi: I don't know! Ask him! Data: No thank you. Geordi: I think I've found the author contact device! Geordi: Yup! It sez on the back, "Official Author Contact Device!" Data: Use it! Geordi: OK. Leonard: Is that you, Picard? Geordi: No! It's me! Geordi! Leonard: Whaddaya want? I'm busy writing the parody! Geordi: But it sucks! Leonard: What else is new? Geordi: Listen to me! You've got to ditch the Troi plot! Put in something that has no relevance whatsoever! Picard: I thought that game would never end! Geordi: I gotta go! Hurry! Bye! Data: Data to Transporter Room 3! Get us out of here! Quick! Picard: What now? Worf: Captain, there is a message for you. Picard: I'll get it! Man: Do you know the way to the Q Convention? Picard: The what? Man: The Q Convention! Every year all the Q gather together and talk about all the ways they annoy people! Ice-T will be speaking! Picard: What, he's a Q? Man: No, but he's real annoying. Do you know where it's being held? Picard: Nope. Man: OK, thanks anyway. Picard: Now I can get some rest! Picard: AAAAAARGH!!!!!! WHAT?!?!?! Guinan: Captain, you'd better come down to Ten-Forward, right away! Picard: On my way. Picard: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!?!?!? Q: Why, it's the Q Convention! Picard: This is all your doing, Q! Q: Of course it's all my doing, who did you think was in charge of the Q Convention? Picard: Get off my ship! Q: Well, we were gonna have it in the Rupture system, but that disappeared yesterday, so I said to my Q friends, I said, "I know this perfect little romantic starship we could have it in," and so here we are. Picard: Enough of your conventions, Q! Q: Oh, shut up Picard. Here, I want you to meet my friend Rick Berman. Picard: Rick Berman's a Q? Rick Berman: Honorary Q. Q: Yeah, if he was a real Q he could make the 7th season good. But we gave him honorary Qship because he gave us silly roles. Announcer Q: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Q of all ages, it's the moment you've all been waiting for! Next time, on Silly Trek: The Next Generation... Announcer Q: No, not that moment. May I present that tacky dresser and occasional rapper, first human to win the Pakled Impersonation Contest, and recently voted "Most Convincing Reason for Supporting Abortion" for the fourth year running... ICE-T! Ice-T: I'd just like to say that it's not a pleasure to be here tonight, and that the proceeds from my next album, "Ego the Size of the Bronx," are all going to... me! Yes, me! I'm not giving my money to starving kids! They can become big overpaid rappers like me if they want food! That or politicians! Announcer Q: Thank you Ice-T, clearly the result of Leonard's imagination after four months of being a sysop. Or a brother/ sister marriage. Whichever. And now it's time for our sponsors, the Hair Club for Q, to do their little speech. A big hand, please, for Q Sperling! Caption: MUCH, MUCH LATER... Announcer Q: Thank you, thank you, Jefferson Q and his troupe of performing Oscar Meyer weenies. And now, it's time to end the festivities with the traditional Q Parade, followed by the Q Disco Party and the Q Pepsi-Guzzling Contest! Everybody in line for the big parade! Geordi: I'd say we stirred things up enough. Data: Yeah. Announcer: Meanwhile, back at Troi's brain... Troi: Hello? Echo: Hello? Hello? Hello? Troi: Who are you? Man Who Resembles Norm from Cheers: I'm the Ghost of Parodies Past! I've come to show you the error of your ways! Troi: Oh yeah? Like what? Ghost of Parodies Past: Like this! Troi: No! My acting isn't that bad anymore! Ghost of Parodies Past: That's not even the parody! That's the real episode! Shall I show you the parody? Troi: NO! Ghost of Parodies Past: Good, 'cause there isn't one. Yet. Troi: I can change! I will change! I'll stop reading the emotions of Ferengi! I'll say some meaningful lines once in a while! I'll bring purpose to my character! Ghost of Parodies Past: Good, 'cause I'll be watching! Troi: Whew! Lesse... what can I do to bring purpose to my character? Maybe I could sell encyclopedias on the side. Troi: ACK! Wesley! Help! Troi: HEEEEEELP MEEEEEE! Poodle: Arf! Arf! Troi: Fifi! Geordi: Hey! That's-- Bob the NAACPian: Geordi: Oh. Right. Troi: Wait a minute! You're not really my dog! You're just a sidetrack designed by my mother to keep me from getting to the real truth! You're a FAKE! Ghost of Parodies Present: I see you haven't changed! that was a really stupid line! If you continue we're gonna send out the Ghost of Parodies Future! Troi: Who's that? Ghost of Parodies Present: Barney! Troi: Lwaxana's Voice: Heeeeelp me! Troi: Where are you? Lwaxana: Go away! Troi: Make up your mind! Sheesh! Lwaxana: Troi: Argh! Just when I was bringing some purpose to my character! Crusher: Hey! Keep it down! We're trying to have some drama here! The Q: Q Announcer: And now, all the way from the Vrool galaxy, it's the Chapter 47 Q and their Q CHEERLEADERS! Crusher: <> Troi: I'm gonna go into Lwaxana's mind again! I want another chance to make my character meaningful! Picard: Oh, very well! But I want the next episode to be about me because I've hardly had any lines yet! Q: Stayin' alive... stayin' alive... Announcer Q: Attention! The Q Twister Contest will be held in Main Engineering in 5 minutes! Changing into blobs of jelly is prohibited this year! Other Q: BOO! HISS! Lwaxana: Nooo! It's too horrible! Troi: What happened? As you were playing Monopoly, what happened then? Lwaxana: She... Little Girl: I wanna play! I wanna play! Lwaxana: You can't! The box says "For ages eight and up!" You're not eight yet! Little Girl: Troi: Come on mother, you can do it. PUSH! PUSH! I can see the head! Barney: All right miss, come with me! Lwuxana: It's so horrid! She grabbed the title deed to Park Place and... and... Sara: Stop! Stop the parody! That was REALLY stupid, and totally uncalled for besides! Ruining that fine moment in ST:TNG history! Shame on you! Leonard: No... must finish... the parody! Sara: No! You've overused that theme! No more lousy Monopoly jokes! Leonard: Must finish... roll the announcer! Announcer: And so everyone was happy! Lwaxana was happy because she'd come to terms with the tragic loss of her first daughter and the lousy role of her second one, Picard was happy because the next parody was about him, the folks on WildNet were happy because now they had a parody writer all their own, the folks on S&S Net were happy because there was only one mention of Da Warren BBS in the whole parody and Tasha only appeared once, and the nut from Nevada was happy because he got mentioned in the parody. Even Leonard was happy, because he didn't have to write another one until next week! That's all for now! And remember-- support your local Q! Next time, on Silly Trek: The Next Generation... Picard and Crusher, sitting in a tree... ===================== LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ===================== From: LOCUTUS OF bORG To: OXNARDUS Date: 08/25/94 THERE ARE NO SPHERICAL CUBES! --Locutus of Borg ------------------------------ From: OXNARDUS To: BRATCGW@WKUVX1.WKU.EDU Date: 08/25/94 THERE ARE NO SPHERICAL CUBES! But what about cubed spheres? Just a thought. --Oxnardus =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 3: F-I HITCH-HIKERS GUIDE TO STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION [DON'T PANIC] Part 8 of 8 STAR TREK PARODY: "Rat Traps" [Attached] TNG #260 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an e-mail address at InterNet, Genie, NVN, Prodigy, AOL, Compu-serve, or FidoNet (or anything else that has a gateway to any of these services or is convertible to an Internet address), you can get on the RIF subscription list and have RIF sent to you via e-mail each month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the list. If you are not on Genie, be sure to send your InterNet address. Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF (and insure your copy of RIF one week prior to e- mail subscriptions!), please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given below). BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): Phone Name City ST SysOp ----------------------------------------------------------------- (805) 588-9349 Resistance is... Bakersfield CA Oxnardus (405) 282-4676 THE Q CONTINUUM OK The Q (604) 574-1523 U.S.S. NEXUS BBS B.C. CAN Admiral Kirk (607) 777-4866 SUNY-BBS Binghamton NY Drew Halasz (616) 381-1124 THE X-FACTOR Kalamazoo MI Lord Vader (617) 864-3375 BCSM BBS Boston MA J. M. Tretakoff (618) 746-0916 THE ACCESS BBS Scott AFB IL C. Claybaugh (703) 548-1507 INKWELL Alexandria VA Melanie Byas (805) 854-2478 DA WARREN Arvin CA L. Richardson (805) 933-1345 QUACKIN' UP Santa Paula CA Jeff Mercer (805) 987-5506 BEYOND THE REALM Camarillo CA Musical (905) 574-2467 COUNTDOWN CHAOS Hamilton ON CAN Spartan ================= COPYRIGHT NOTICES ================= "RIF" acknowledges that Paramount Pictures and its various subsidiaries as having the sole rights to the Star Trek trademark and the holders of the Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy trademarks and copyrights as having sole rights to theirs. "RIF" has no intention to infringe upon any copyright or earn profit from this publication. The same is declared as to Hitch-HIker's Guide to the Galaxy. RIF is distributed free of charge. This newsletter may be distributed by anyone if kept intact and not altered in any way. Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile will be released on or about September 15, 1994. Send submissions to Oxnardus or Ripley at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm.com; BorgNet: Oxnardus; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308 RIPLEY: Editor. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com. CORRESPONDENTS: -------------- Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478; Internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com. David T Lu: Internet: lulu@ucrmath.ucr.edu Mickey McCarter: mickey@brahms.udel.edu CONTRIBUTORS: ------------ SuperQman: gt6539a@prism.gatech.EDU