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Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 28 October 01 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Introducing USFP STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 4: J-P UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 1 STAR TREK PARODY: "Force of Tater Tots (tm)" [Force of Nature] TNG #261 LETTERS TO THE EDITOR UPCOMING IN RIF SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES BACK ISSUES COPYRIGHT NOTICES SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== This fortnight the USFP (Universal Science Fiction Parody) is a TOS-TNG-Sesame Street-Star Wars-Gremlins-Godzilla-Quantum Leap- PacMan-Flash Gordon Cross-over. What will it be next fortnight??? And the end of the taglines is still no where in sight!!!! But look! We are about mid-season in the Season 7 TNG parodies: Picard and crew meet up with the notorious DaiMon Bob. What a newsletter, eh? Non-stop Star Trek Parody hell--oops-- I mean fun. Yeah, fun. ---Oxnardus ===================================== STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE ===================================== Part Four --------- Jadzia, I just love older women!! Bashir Jadzia, I want your body! You can keep the worm. þ Bashir Jean-Luc Picard and Mister Clean: Separated at birth? Jedi Knight Geordi... May LaForge be with you! Just imagine Rush Limbaugh as a Klingon . . . Just when your ship comes in, it's the Kobiyashi Maru. Kira just needs a good hug. {WHAM}. Then again, maybe not Kirk, my old friend... WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND!! Kirk, Spock, McCoy and this is..Was Ensign X Kirk to Enterprise - beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack Kirk to Enterprise, Kirk to Enterprise! Darn! It's BUSY! Kirk to ENTERPRISE: did you get that FAX I sent you? Kirk to Enterprise! @$&!# Engaged! Kirk, when the pants drop. Kirk: "Set phasers on caress." Klingon adaptation of Earth sport: Full-contact golf. Klingon DOS: That command or file name has no *honor*! Klingon philosophy: Do unto others. (Period!) Klingon Prime Directive: If it moves, shoot it. Klingon Prime Directive: Shoot it! Klingon prompt: Strike any user when ready. Klingon Thanksgiving Grace: "Let us prey..." Klingon vessel uncloaking....or is it Odo? Klingons do it with a vengeance. Klingons do not allow themselves to be...assimilated. Klingons do NOT allow themselves to be... probed. Klingons Do It With Honor Klingons evolved from seals. Want proof? "Worf! Worf!" Klingons, when cloaked properly, are invisible. Klingons: The Harley Riders of the Universe Kodos, when the colonists died. KPLA, Klingon radio: All glory, all the time! Logic indicates that we should run like h*ll!! Lonely, Worf seeks a Dog/Turtle hybrid for companionship. Lore: Takes a licking and keeps on twitching. Ma'am, I can make it any size you want... þ Odo May you never gag on your GAHK! * Klingon Saying May your qagh never wander off your plate. ÄÄKlingon grace Member: James Tiberius Kirk Memorial Brothel Mother, I'd like to introduce your son-in-law, Lt. Worf. -Troi Mr. Scott, energize. Hey! Where'd that pink bunny come from? Mr. Worf, fire at will! *>BZZT<* Hey, where'd Riker go? Mr. Worf, fire phasers at the message reader! ...Zzzzzap! Mr. Worf, fire phasers at will. No.1, have...No.1? Will? Mr. Worf, scan that ship. Aye Captain. 300 dpi? Mr. Worf! Eating Christmas Cookies, on my bridge? My, aren't you the Klingon calling the Cardassian bumpy? My God, it's full of Yars! My name is Crusher. Where's Ensign Walnut? - Beverly My other computer has Lwaxana Troi's voice. My other computer runs the ENTERPRISE. My other vehicle is a Galaxy Class Starship ... My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird... NCC-1701-D:*NOT* your father's Oldsmobile! NCC-1701. No bloody A, B, C, *or* D. --Scotty Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\ Next on STAR TREK: TNG - Ensign Ro vs. Ensign Wade Nice house. Good tea. - Worf Nine out of ten women are scared off by Trekkers No bathroom? Just boldly go where no man has gone before! No, I do *not* want Jello Instant Pudding! * Odo No, I'm not related to Ross Perot!! þ Quark No, sir, I'm not beamin' ye aboard until I get a raise. No viruses detected. Must be a pair of Nanites. No Warp? Worf, Data .. get out and push .. I'll steer! NOBODY cuddles a Klingon!!! Non-Trekkies of the world-- GET A FUTURE!! Not tonight, Chekov, I have an earache. Notice how no one criticized Riker until Wesley was gone? Number One, buy me a Pontiac! - Picard O'Brien's Law... Murphy is an optimist. O'Brien Burger: Looks boring, but really spicy! O'Brien, when the computer malfunctions. Odo, any more Jell-O in the fridge? Odo?...Odo?? Odo Burger: It's a burger! It's a shake! It's fries! Odo Burger: You can have it this way, or this way.... Odo, when the bucket leaks. Odo, when the bucket spilled. OdoQwk 1.0:Shapes itself to work with your software. Oh dear, it appears that reality is on the blink again. Oh no Captain, those aren't dilithium crystals, it's ice! Once again, Odo wins the Twister championship. One day I'm going to give it to that Bajoran tramp --Troi One is my name, the other is not! -- Lt. Cmdr. Data Only in your dreams, Commander. þ Troi Operator halted! Star Trek's on! Our mission: to boldly stay home and BBS! Overcome by jealousy, Data dismembers the Energizer Bunny Oxymoron: A Ferengi dentist. P.l.e.a.s.e...Mr. Data....no more jokes! Packleds DO IT With Borrowed Parts Pain: Telling a klingon his mother wears lipstick Palm Farr: If PeeWee Herman was a Vulcan Pane Farr: A Vulcan peeping Tom Pant Farr: Exhausting Vulcan sex. Paupon Farr: Vulcan sex with mustard Permission to smash the lieutenant's head in, sir. * Worf ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon ================================================================= Our Story So Far: None you idiot, this is the first batch! ----------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene 1. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. The familiar outline of a disc-shaped ship with three cigar-shaped pontoons attached to it, moves into view. As the ship moves, we see it is coming into orbit above a planet that looks surprisingly like the familiar shots of earth from space that we all have grown to recognize. All of the lines in this scene are actually, voice-overs.] KIRK: Space, the final frontier, PICARD: these are the voyages of the starship, Enterprise, KIRK: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait a minute! Spock,...what...is...that voice? SPOCK: It appears to be the sound of someone interrupting your soliloquy, Captain. KIRK: My solili-what? SPOCK: Your opening monologue, sir. KIRK: My which-a-logue? SPOCK: Your speech! sir. KIRK: Oh, yes, well...who...is interrupting...me? SPOCK: It would appear to be that balding gentleman at the far end of the sound stage. KIRK: (puzzled) You mean the one in the leotard? PICARD: This is the uniform of a Captain of Starfleet, NOT a leotard! KIRK: Well, it looks like it's made out of nylon. PICARD: This is SPANDEX!(tm). KIRK: Oh, well, is it comfortable? It doesn't look it. PICARD: Well, not actually, but... KIRK: Why do you wear it then? PICARD: (arrogant again) It's a Starfleet uniform. SPOCK: (clears his throat) Captain, this is all very interesting, but we have been on orbital approach to this planet for far too long already. We cannot complete our orbit until somebody finishes the opening. Moreover, the movie cannot start until then either. PICARD: The Vulcan has a point. I shall continue. KIRK: Just a minute, you unknown, British, Shakespearian, actor... PICARD: Why you swaggering, over-acting tyrant. [Sounds of a struggle ensue as the two begin to fight.] BIG BIRD: Hey, wait a minute. [Struggle sounds stop.] KIRK: Spock,...what is...that thing? BONES: Why is everything we don't understand always called a thing? KIRK: Shut up Bones, I don't want to deal with you right now. Spock? SPOCK: It appears to be a giant, yellow, talking bird, Captain. KIRK: Well,...what should we...do...about it? SPOCK: Logic would dictate that we listen to what it has to say. BIG BIRD: I was over at the next soundstage, filming Sesame Street (aside, to camera) on Public Television, check local listings for time and station, (back to KIRK, etc..) when I heard you fighting. I think I can help. Why don't you cooperate? PICARD: (submissively, already trying to surrender) You mean, we should both read the opening monologue? BIG BIRD: Yeah! That's called cooperation! PICARD: Well, Kirk? KIRK: (grudgingly) OK. (stage whisper to Spock) Where were we? SPOCK: (out loud, missing all subtlety) These are the voya... KIRK: These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise. PICARD: It's continuing mission, to explore strange new worlds, KIRK: to seek out new life, and new civilizations, PICARD & KIRK: To boldy go, where no one has gone before. [Cue music.] [Scene 2. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. The old Enterprise finishes its orbital approach while the new Enterprise (1701-D) leaves orbit. The camera follows the new ship as it flies out of the solar system. It enters warp speed near an asteroid field. The camera pans around the field, and the asteroids begin to form letters. Eventually, the following words float by in a familiar fashion: Episode XXIII: Are We Having Fun Yet? The EMPIRE, under the leadership of the newest dark Jedi, KARTH GATOR, is gathering their forces at the edge of the galaxy. Preparing to assault a new frontier, a whole new galaxy and conquer new worlds. The EMPEROR spends much time in the throne room inside the newly-built, DRECK STAR, preparing for the carnage he is about to wreak. Meanwhile, the REBEL ALLIANCE has developed into a triumvirate ruled by LUKE SKYWALKER, representing the pseudo-religious Jedis; PRINCESS LEIA, representing the governments of the alliance; and HAN SOLO, representing the privateers. Each of them are dedicated to stopping the EMPIRE. The letters float off into the distance. An Imperial Tie-Fighter roars by. The camera follows the fighter as it approaches a large, pyramid shaped structure. In the area are several Imperial Battleships.] [Scene 3. Interior Shot. Emperor's Throne Room. The room is large, but unusually dark, and mostly empty. There is also a marked lack of droids of any kind. The throne is on a large dais at one end of the room. A video screen shows an exterior view of space. An old, wrinkled man sits on the throne. He is dressed in only a black robe.] [A beeping sound is heard.] EMPEROR: (gesturing) Come. [A large powered door opens up, letting in some light.] GIZMO: (from Gremlins, in a cameo appearance) Bright light! Bright light! STRIPE: (also from Gremlins, also a cameo) Gizmo, ka ka! [Kicks Gizmo out of the scene, laughs, and disappears.] [Karth Gator, dressed very like Darth Vader used to be, except that his helmet looks somewhat like an outback hat, enters. He kneels.] KARTH: My liege. EMPEROR: Rise, and report. KARTH: Everything goes as planned. The last of the attack force is assembling. Triangulation settings are locked on target. The invasion grows near. EMPEROR: Excellent. What is our first target? KARTH: A planet known as Terra, an insignificant planet really, but useful as a base of operations. Interception of their own information broadcasts indicate that their civilization has been all but destroyed by an attack of giant monsters. EMPEROR: Show me. [Karth pulls out a remote control. One of the early ones, that were very big and had very few functions. He aims the control at a convenient wall, pushes a button, and nothing happens. Karth looks at the control, and bangs it with the top of his hand.] KARTH: Damn it, Ziggy! [He bangs on the remote some more, while it makes Pac-man noises. He aims and clicks again. This time it works, an old Godzilla movie is displayed. He is happily trashing Tokyo, breathing electric fire, the usual monster stuff.] GODZILLA: Aaauuaaaannnnnnggggghhhha (approximation of Godzilla's roar) EMPEROR: Excellent! Turn it off. [Karth is about to comply when a beeping noise interrupts, and an Imperial officer appears on the screen.] OFFICER: Excuse me, my liege, but a border scout reports that a rebel ship is spying on our location. KARTH: Destroy it! EMPEROR: Hold! Let it go. OFFICER: Yes, milord. [Screen goes blank.] EMPEROR: No doubt, you wonder at my decision, Gator. KARTH: Yes, my lord. EMPEROR: I want the Alliance to know of our invasion plans. I need the Jedi, Luke Skywalker (Karth shudders at the mention of the killer of so many of his predecessors) to come to me. I shall finally convert him to the dark side of the Force. Now go, prepare the fleet. [Karth exits, as the door closes behind him, the camera focuses on the black door. The following words fade into existence on the center of the screen: Meanwhile.... At the Universe three doors down and to the right. Scene 4. Interior Shot. Dr. Hans Zarkov's Rocketship. The interior is a cylindrically shaped room with couches around the outside wall. Three people sit equally spaced around the center, belted in firmly. They are Dr Hans Zarkov, formally of NASA; Flash Gordon, former pro quarterback; and Dale Arden, reporter, and former high school cheerleader. Near Dale's head is a portal, and outside, the sky is pink. The three are forced against the wall, and Flash's foot is holding down a large red pedal. The room is shaking.] ZARKOV: Flash! You must keep your foot on that pedal, or else! FLASH: Or else what? ZARKOV: It would be bad. VENKMANN: (Peter Venkmann appearing out of nowhere) I'm a little fuzzy on this whole good/bad thing. ZARKOV: or else we wouldn't achieve escape velocity, we would miss our chance to enter the worm hole, and be trapped in this dimension forever. FLASH: (thinking of Ming's daughter, the princess) Well, that wouldn't be so bad. ZARKOV: With no video games! FLASH: (coming to his senses) Right! [He presses harder on the pedal.] [Exterior Shot. Dr Zarkov's ship looks junkier from the outside than the inside. It is flying through the air, obviously hung from a string with sparkler effects coming out the back. Two (2) of Ming's high-tech ships (high-tech meaning they have tail fins and no string) are giving chase. One fires a laser (did I forget to mention armed to the teeth?) at the junkpile. It misses the ship, barely.] VOICE-OVER PILOT #1: Enemy Bogey over Ming Station-1, Please Identify yourself. Enemy Bogey, Identify. [Just then the worm hole appears and Zarkov's ship files into it.] V-O PILOT 1: Foxtrot Tango 1 to Ming Station. Bogey has entered worm hole. Request permission to pursue. V-O CMDR 1: Permission granted. Dispatch Warlock and Ajax, to bring back his body. [The two high-tech ships bank and enter the wormhole just as it disappears.] [Scene 5. Exterior Shot. A white hole can most easily be described as the complete opposite of a black hole. Theoretically then, a white hole would repel everything. It would be an intense concentration of anti-gravitons, pushing away everything, including each other. Scientists have postulated that a white hole would be at the other end of a black hole. The only problem is, no one has seen either one of them. Add to this the fact that a white hole, if it existed, would destroy itself immediately by repelling itself makes the whole thing completely preposterous. So while a black hole, remaining undiscovered, is an intellectual curiosity, a white hole cannot possibly exist and is merely ludicrous. This then, is a gray hole. Somewhere between a white hole & a black hole. You may consider it something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike a black hole. It swirls debris in a spiral pattern around itself. Suddenly, from out of the center, a junkpile of a rocketship shoots out. It is followed by two (2) high-tech rockets. The ship streaks across the sky towards a blue police box spinning on it's central axis. The junky rocket brushes past the box causing it to spin more wildly. The other two ships burst by as well, knocking in into a spin even more wild, and reckless spin motions. The ships continue on, while the police box tumbles toward the grey hole.] To be continued... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions maniacally presents "Force of Tater Tots (tm)" A parody of ST:TNG's "Force of Nature" TNG Production # 261 By Leonard Richardson Geordi: NO, Spot! Bad kitty! Bad! Data: Is there a problem? Geordi: YES! First Spot knocks over all my nifty engineering gadgets, then she coughs up hairballs on my uniform, then she ruins my carpet, and now she's eating my secret supply of Tater Tots! Data: But she is so cute! Data: Awww.. uzza good kitty, yes... Geordi: Get that cat out of here! Geordi: <> Data: The Brappo Warp Corridor is the only way for ships using warp technology to travel through this section of space without being attacked by vicious insurance salesmen. All: Data: And that's not all! If you choose plan A,B,J,N,S,X, or Z-92, you get an ABSOLUTELY FREE TOASTER! Crusher: Hi there, I can't really do anything in Sickbay for Data 'cause he's an android, but it is a good way to drag the parody out so we'll just pretend he's human. Crusher: Put him in the biobed! Crusher: Lessee... pulse, none. Blood pressure, none of either. Tan, none. We've lost him! Data: Can I go back to the conference room now? Crusher: No! We have to have the funeral! Picard: (reading off a paper) Two pounds butter, one package Tater Tots-- oops. All: Speech! Speech! Picard: I don't have one! Let's just go on with the parody like it's supposed to! All: Picard: A week ago, the U.S.S. Lemming disappeared in the Brappo Warp Corridor. Riker: My sources say that a Ferengi ship has disappeared as well. Picard: What are your sources? Crusher: The Lemming was carrying a load of Tater Tots. Perhaps the Ferengi hijacked the Lemming. Picard: Maybe. Let's stop sitting around and go where the action is! Riker: OK. Picard: Bring us into the warp corridor, Ensign Disposablediaper. Ensign Disposablediaper: We are entering the warp corridor. Picard: Keep me informed. (walks into his ready room) Riker: Captain, Worf just sneezed. Picard: (over communicator) Huh? What? I'll be right there! Picard: Right! What's all this then! Riker: It's no biggie, Worf just sneezed. Picard: Why'd you tell ME? Riker: You said to keep you informed. Ensign Disposablediaper: We have encountered a ship, sir! Picard: Drop out of warp! Ensign Disposablediaper: Er... we were never actually IN warp, sir. Picard: Why not? Ensign Disposablediaper: Our engines overloaded some time ago. Picard: AAAARGH! It's been one thing after another since we got that new warp coil! Worf: Sir! The ship is not hailing us! Picard: Well, don't put it on screen. Worf: No sir. Wouldn't dream of it. Riker: What kind of ship is it? Worf: A Ferengi cruiser, Reallygreedy class. Picard: I never heard of that class. Worf: It's new. It's the class after the Lotsa-Latinum class cruiser. Riker: How do you know so much about Ferengi ships? Troi: I sense great deception! Picard: Get that 16-ton weight off my bridge. Riker: Who's gonna pilot the ship now, that's what I'd like to know. Picard: Call in Barclay! Geordi: (into the other turbolift) Call in Barclay! Barclay: M-m-m-me? P-pilot the ship? Not have any lines? B-b-beam down to planets and get k-k-killed? Barclay: AAAAIE! Picard: If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times! No whoopie cushions on my bridge! Worf: Geordi did it! Geordi: Snitch! Riker: (ahem) Getting back to the question at hand, how do you know so much about Ferengi ships? Worf: I subscribe to Popular Mechanics! Picard: All right then. Hail the Ferengi ship, Mr. Worf. Worf: Yessir. Daimon Bob: What have you done to us? Picard: We hailed you. Daimon Bob: Before that! Picard: What do you mean? Daimon Bob: We answered a hail from a Federation probe! Next thing we knew, we were waist-deep in rotten Tater Tots! All: Picard: The Federation does not use Tater Tot tactics! We are a peaceful organization! Daimon Bob: Yeah, but maybe they went union on you. Picard: What do you mean? Daimon Bob: The Spacefaring Races Union! To make job opportunities equal for races like the Borg, you have to have a war every so often. Picard: Data, has the Federation gone union? Data: No sir. We are still an independent organization. Picard: Then there must be another explanation. Riker: Maybe it was the Romulans! Geordi: Or the Klingons! Worf: Klingons would never stoop to Tater Tot warfare! Daimon Bob: Maybe it was the Cardassians! Geordi: Yeah! The Cardassians! Picard: Oh yeah, have you seen a food transport called the Lemming anywhere? Daimon Bob: Er... nope. Troi: I sense deception! Riker: Hey, how did you get back here? Picard: WAIT! No more 16-ton weights! Let's just use the foaming-at-the-mouth gag! Riker: Hey, Tasha hasn't made an appearance yet this parody! Daimon Bob: She should join the union. Old Geezer: Oh yeah? Well, when I was a kid we all got phasered after only 1 line! Old Geezer: None of this whole-speeches-and-then-getting- phasered business! Old Geezer: Yessir, persistence is the key, that's what my old grandpappy used to-- Riker: Enough! Picard: I concur! Let's get on with the parody! Daimon Bob: We didn't see the Lemming! We did see a suspicious-looking dust cloud back there a while though. Picard: Data, scan for suspicious-looking dust clouds with our patented Suspicious-Looking Dust Cloud Sensors (tm). Data: Aye sir. Our scanners are reading negative. Picard: We can't find any suspicious-looking dust clouds anywhere, Daimon! Explain yourself! Daimon Bob: Er.. um... it blew away! Picard: In space? Daimon Bob: Solar wind! Q: Hello. Picard: Q: Don't say it! Picard: Q! Q: You said it! Picard: Get off my ship, Q! Q: Come on Picard, you know your ratings would plummet without me. Have some Tater Tots. Picard: Enough of your Tater Tots, Q! Q: But they're the crispiest, tastiest Tater Tots this side of the MG-45 Galaxy! Picard: Oh all right, but just one. Picard: YAHOO! I'M COOCOO FOR TATER TOTS! WHEEE! Lawyer-Type Person: Hello, I'm from Hareware Productions' Lawsuit Prevention department, and I'm here to tell you that your copyright infringements have gone from the range of the excessive to that of the totally ludicrous. Picard: Oh yeah? Well, under the Galactic Parody Act of 2214, we-- Lawyer-Type Person: You idiot! This is 1993! Picard: OK, fine, the Galactic Parody Act of 1848! Lawyer-Type Person: There was no Galactic Parody Act of 1848! Picard: Exactly! We can put whatever we want into our parodies! Lawyer-Type Person: All right, but don't blame me. Q: Hey, what about me? Picard: What about you? You've had your cameo, I've said my line, Leonard's put it in the quote-of-the-day file, you're done. Q: Alright, see ya. Geordi: (over intercom) Help! Intruder alert in Engineering! Picard: Worf, get down there. Weird-Looking Alien: Stop! You're killing us! <> Weird-Looking Alien: Anyway, as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted by that commercial break, your warp engines are causing rips in the fabric of reality! Geordi: Yeah, but what's your name? That's the important thing to know, so we can send the check to you at the end of the month. Weird-Looking Alien: Er... Mot. Mot: Sorry, that's taken. Weird-Looking Alien: OK then, Tom. Mot: Want a haircut? Tom: Not now. Picard: So what you're trying to say is, every time we use our warp engines, the fabric of reality weakens? Troi: And that every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings? Tom: Now you're getting it! Picard: But what can we do? Tom: Stop using your warp engines! Picard: But then we'd never go anywhere new! Tom: Not that you do anyway! Picard: I'll ignore that remark. And also, we couldn't use it as a plot gimmick anymore! And all the engineers would be out of a job! Tom: Alright, but keep it down to Warp 5. Riker: Wait a minute! You haven't even given us any proof that high warp leads to reality rips! Have you tested it on rats? Tom: All right, fine! I'll show you! Have your engineers gun the warp engines! Picard: Er.. our warp coil is burned out right now. Tom: All right, I'll do it myself! Picard: Quickly! To the bridge! All: AAAAARGH! Barclay: W-w-we're being pulled in! Picard: Hard to port! Barclay: W-w-which way's port? Worf: The Ferengi ship is hailing us! Picard: On screen! Daimon Bob: Why are you pulling us into that flashy rift? Picard: It's not us! We're being pulled in too! Everybody on Both Ships: AAAAAAIGH! Riker: Fire phasers! Picard: Why? Riker: Might help the ratings. Worf: Firing phasers. Data: (shaking head) Our ratings are unchanged. Picard: Quick! Go to a commercial! Data: Activating commercial. Lady: I had this awful tartar! Then my dentist suggested I try knocking all my teeth out with a big hammer! Picard: No! Not that commercial! A ratings-boosting commercial! With lots of half-naked woman and stuff! Riker: A beer commercial! <> Picard: Are we still being pulled into that really nifty rift in reality thingy? Data: Yes sir. Picard: Well let's get another shot of it, that thing cost us $200,000 to make! Data: Sir, the rift has disappeared! Riker: There goes $200,000 down the drain! Do you have any idea how many TATER TOTS we could have bought with that?!?!?! Tom: See? You satisfied now? Picard: I'll have to notify Starfleet Command... Tom: (rich Scottish brogue) ACH! Get that blasted critter off of me! All: SCOTTY! Scotty: Ach! You've founda me out! Riker: But why? Scotty: I did it for all the starship engineers ev'rywhere! Do ya think we LIKE ya captains shouting at us, "More power! I've gotta have warp 14 for the next 48 hours!"?! No! So I decided to take matters into my own hands! Picard: That was a very naughty thing to do! You should be ashamed! Scotty: THPPT! Announcer: And so Scotty was sent to some correctional institute or other, and Starfleet decided to limit their ships to Warp 5 anyway out of a desire to bear some resemblance to the actual episodes and also because of the 812,000,000 members of the Engineer's Union that picketed outside their offices until it drove them crazy. Next issue on Silly Trek: The Next Generation! The secret of Data's hairdo! And lots of other stuff too! It's "Inhairitance!" On the next exciting episode of Silly Trek: The Next Generation! ===================== LETTERS TO THE EDITOR ===================== From: LOCUTUS OF BORG To: Oxnardus Sub: Sarcasm cubed and sphered! Date: Sat, 27 Aug 1994 07:18:08 CST DESIGNATION OXNARDUS: WE ARE BORG OF WKUVX1.WKU.EDU! WE HAVE DECONSTRUCTED YOUR SARCASM AND HAVE DESIGNATED LOCUTUS FOR FIRST PERSON ECHOIZATION! LOCUTUS OF BORG: Designation Oxnardus, You wrote: "Heh heh. "We" love conservative borgs. But living on Sector 0,0,1 has, how should we say it...softened us up a tad." Sounds like "We love you, you love us, where on big happy collective bunch" - :\ - Eeauuu {from E. P. Warrell of Borg} [Yes, that's really his face, I swear it!] . . . Sounds like virus in the mnemonic stream, quick, assign maintenance Borg to clean it up! U Knowhattamean Vern? And then: "Isn't the concept of opposites just some philosophical flotsam which emerged like Minerva out of a linear Zeus-like mind, in a material world, where polarity is said to exist??? And even if they are opposites, didn't you hear Paula Abdul teach us that OPPOSITES ATTRACT? It's a fact!" I was once told by this brilliant stats dude with a Ph.D on the I-NET, "if you believe something to be true, then it's true!" {You know I how could tell he was brilliant? By the shine of ignorance radiating from the letters on my monitor!} Anyhow, with that kind of logic, the Titanic should still be taking weekly cruises through the North Pole! I wouldn't be to quick to quote dear Ms. Paula, especially since she and Emilio are now Ex's. By the way, are you a Psych major {of course you know Psychology is simply another ungrateful grandchild of philosophy . . . but I will admit, the grandparent appears senile from time to time} or perhaps just influenced by the world of Psych? Don't be too quick to dismiss the grandparent {philosophy}. Education as we know it today still closely resembles the original education structure establish by Aristotle. Also, philosophy correctly translated means a "love of wisdom!" Now be careful whose wisdom you listen to, but since when has the ideal of wisdom ever been equated with a tossing on the sea {reference James 1:5-8 Holy Bible NIV}? Maybe if the philosophy is merely foolishness parading as Wisdom, then it is something like flotsam. Also, consider this, in Xnty, the Spirit is often associated with Wisdom. This also holds true for Judaism {read Proverbs}! Wisdom in Proverbs is often referred to as "she!" The Hebrew word for Spirit or Wind is "Ruach" [pronounced Roo-auck] and this word is feminine. I need to talk to some more Jews to see how they deal with this paradox since too many times like Xnty they tend to be too Patriarchical. Anyhow, now take into consideration that it is through the Spirit that a Xn is born again (does this appear to be maternal . . . seems so to me). And who comes upon the Virgin Mary during her term with the X child? The Spirit (a mothering midwife, protector, co-birther?). Now consider St. Augustine's theory of the trinity, with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (Mother?). Throw in the feminine equation here and Holy family values batgirl! Just thinking about all this is making me mushy, those liberal Borgs must be rubbing off on this conservative Borg. Also, Jesus said, all sins would be forgiven except blasphemy against the Holy Spirit (when was the last-time you bad mouthed your mother and your father was a happy camper about it? {NOT!}). So, be careful what you say about philosophy (a love of wisdom, a love of the motherly . . . and all this time you thought Western or Hellenistic Males had a monopoly on philosophy . . . hmmm, seems like I need to go into a rejuvenative cycle to meditate for a while . . .) Ok, I traversed the time-continuum after meditating and have shown up back here at this point in time just slightly a head of myself. And furthermore you wrote: "Paradox? Isn't that Dr. Crusher and Dr. Pulaski??? And CHAOS...isn't that a good thing now? Don't we seek it out for entertainment? Isn't Mandelbrot the Lava lamp of the 90's???? Finally...terminal virus? Isn't that a tad...ALARMIST?" Not ALARMIST rather CONCERNEDIST! You hit a single Borg with too much info and if the little designation can't assimilate it, then it simply absorbs it and passes it on to the rest of the collective who in turn can't assimilate disinformation too well and the next thing you know you have one of 3 unbearable results: Gossip (75% of collective), Witch-Hunts (15% of collective), Suicide (10% of collective). Now may I ask, is it logical to desire such unhealthy lifestyles for the Borg and not so famous? BIG HINT: We are of course being very sarcastically facetious here with this CONCERNEDIST paragraph! ;] And still you continued: "Do I have to???? (hee hee)" The question isn't if you have to, but rather can you? For further assimilation (greater understanding) try reading ERRING: A POSTMODERN A/THEOLOGY by Mark C. Taylor, The University of Chicago Press, 1984. And then with a flash of brilliance: "Whew! Now I can sleep at nights!" I'm glad one of us can, my job ends at 4am. I do sleep, but not too well. Maybe if I can take care of this single male Borg virus and assimilate a marriage with a "love of my life" female Borg I can get some real sleep and later spawn a new collective! Ever hopeful thoughts . . . {"There seem to be 2 slots for each Borg" - Data from the ST:TNG episode "Q Who"} And still striving with thoughts: "Hee hee. Spheres and cubes are not philosophic paradoxes (unless you are >Platonic). They are manifestations of the material world. And we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. Like language, the concept of opposites was just made up. A convenient way to describe physical reality. Ah, but what is REALITY??? Now THAT is a philosophical paradox." You can have round and you can have square, but if you show a round square or a square round, then I will believe you. How can you do that you may ask, well find me some ice trays that will give me in perfection cubed spheres or spherical cubes! Something tells me that no matter how many Bud-light commercials they run, there is no way they'll ever combine this! Don't blame me, blame Immanuel Kant. He's the one who shook up the philosophical world at the insistence of David Hume and no one as of yet has adequately disproved him concerning the limits of knowledge and reason in regards to certainty, but that's a whole other letter that I won't type today (aren't you grateful?). If you read ERRING you will find that words are on the surface and the real subjective meaning is underneath and yet not well defined on the surface. Yes, the Police tune was correct "There are Spirits in the Material World" from the Album "Ghost in the Machine." And finally, "And we shall endeavor to be less sarcastic, if we are capable." Ditto to our repeated comment quoted here and hopefully we have striven to do that more effectively with this letter. And for a final comment in regards to your individuality and sarcasm: "Be yourself, no matter what they say . . ." from "An Englishman In New York" by Sting from the album "Nothing Like the Sun" ---Locutus of Borg ----------------------------------------------------- From: Oxnardus To: LOCUTUS OF BORG Sub: Sarcasm cubed and sphered! Wethinks you need to listen to more Paula Abdul and less of Sting. This course of action will keep you from such thoughts. Just plug in and tune out. --Oxnardus =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== RIF PERSONAL ADS BORG TEMPLE PRAYER BOOK: LITURGY OF THE NATIVITY OF THE BLESSED BILL STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 5: P-S UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 2 STAR TREK PARODY: "Inhairitance" [Inheritance] TNG #262 ======================================================== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES ======================================================== If you have an Internet e-mail or one that is convertible to an Internet address) you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail twice a month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. If you are on GEnie, just send your GEnie address. Also, if you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (address given below). 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Consider it shareware publishing! Resistance is Futile, copyright (c) 1994 by RIF BBS. ================================= SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER ================================= The next Resistance is Futile (#29) will be released on or about October 15, 1994. Send submissions to Oxnardus at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR oxnardus@therealm.com; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; RIF BBS (805) 588-9349: Oxnardus; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308 RIPLEY: Editor. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com. CORRESPONDENTS: -------------- Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478; Internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com