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Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 29 October 15 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: DS9 Parodies Have Started YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED...DEAL WITH IT: The Defiant BORG TEMPLE PRAYER BOOK: LITURGY OF THE NATIVITY OF THE BLESSED BILL UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 2 STAR TREK PARODY: "The Certs Part 1" [The Search Part 1] DS9 #46 UPCOMING IN RIF THE FINE PRINT ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== We interrupt our regularly scheduled Star Trek Parody of "Hairallels" [Parallels] TNG #263 to bring you "The Certs Part 1" [The Search Part 1 and 2] DS9 #46. I just couldn't help but sharing the latest Star Trek parody to come across my desk. Since these parodies are being written very close to the editing time, what I plan to do is present the most up-to-date DS9 parodies, and then when none is avalable, continue with the Season 7 parodies from TNG. For those who notice: The Borg Personal Ads have been moved to issue number 31 (11-15-94) and the Trek Taglines Part 5 have been moved to issue number 30 (11-01-94). ---Oxnardus ===================================== YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED...DEAL WITH IT ====================================== Ok, let me get this straight, "The Defiant" a ship designed to take on the big cheese, the head honchos, the Borg, with it's defective Romulan Cloaking device and luxury accomodations was mothballed. HEY, WAKE UP...YOUR STARFLEET WAS TAKEN OUT BY ONE BORG CUBE, DO YOU THINK WE'RE NOT COMMING BACK? What's wrong with the ship....glad you asked. Overgunned...Yea right, You got you but kicked by the Dominion...Geez...back to the drawing board. Cloaking..um..excuse me..it didn't work. Something tells me that Starfleet R&D went on the new show. BTW...what's the deal with this Dominion...Jem'Hedar (spelling correction needed) We can take'em... ---Swannox of Borg ======================= BORG TEMPLE PRAYER BOOK ======================= [We are sorry for the delay in this selection from the new Borg Temple Prayer Book. The Marriage of the Blessed Bill and introduction of Power Macs, and proposed merger of McCaw and ATT have all led to serious liturgical problems within the rituals of the First Church of the Cybernetic Savior, and the outcry of animal rights groups and the air pollution control authority over the use of Ferengi as sacrificial offerings (no one has complained about burning Cardassians as thank offerings) has all led to major problems within the church hierarchy, which as that hierarchy seems to now consist of this unit and our collective memory of the great days of Classical Borg civilization, has led to seemingly endless dependant clauses and sentences which apparently go nowhere. --OlyMonk (aka Olympius of Borg)] LITURGY OF THE NATIVITY OF THE BLESSED BILL ------------------------------------------- Celebrant: Oh let us remember Bill in the days of his youth People: AND HOW HE CUT CLASS TO SIT IN THE COMPUTER LAB C: Let us rejoice in his solid upper-middle-classness P: AND IN HIS PREP SCHOOL NERDINESS C: Let us trust that he has the best of intentions P: AND THAT HE WOULD NEVER INTENTIONALLY ACT IN RESTRAINT OF TRADE. (The congregation keeps silence) C: Our Blessed Bill, who leads us into appreciate that hardship is good for us by the complicated graphical interface which is windows. P: (silence) C: Our liberator, who has given computer nerds the chance to earn more money than they know what to do with so they can buy sports teams, sports cars, cashmere sports coats, and mountain bikes which block the halls of their apartment buildings. P:(silence) C: We now present our prayers to you P: To let you know what to do with your spare nickels C: Blessed Bill, please pay to give voice lessons to Ross Perot, George Bush, Walter Mondale, and all other politicians with whiny nasal voices. P: OR GIVE IT ALL TO US C: Find it in your heart to donate to museums, so that they could stay open nights and weekends and we could visit when they are not full of screaming kids on school field trips. P: OR GIVE IT ALL TO US C: If it is within your power, buy Mattel and cease manufacture of all Barbie, Ken, Skipper, and other fashion dolls, and refuse to let anyone else use the repellant pink of Barbie packaging. P: OR GIVE IT ALL TO US C: Commission an investigation of The Center for Science in the Public Interest and uncover a grand plot to get rid of everything which is the least bit fun or tastes good. P: OR GIVE IT ALL TO US C: Buy up all television and advertising time between September and January, that we might be freed of obnoxious political commercials and whining tots maddened by toy advertisements. P: OR GIVE IT ALL TO US C: Endow chairs in every school of education in the country that our teachers will go forth knowing how to pronounce "nuclear", the difference between "infer" and "imply", and not to say "theory" when they mean "guess" P: OR GIVE IT ALL TO US (the congregation keeps silence) (This is when the Priestess used to light the Ferengis and press the any key, but we're still unsure what bit of business will take place in the new ritual) C: Oh Blessed Bill, instead of spending your money on more living space than you need, think of your communicants whose lives could be made better by just a bit of your possessions. Instead of mouse pads with advertising on them, how about packing a share of stock in every point of sale package? P: OR GIVE IT ALL TO US, WE KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT. ALL: ENTER, AND RETURN ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon ================================================================= [Scene 6. Interior Shot. TARDIS Main Control Chamber. The Doctor (played by Tom Baker) and Lady Romanadveratrelundar are holding onto the console. Leela, Adric, & K-9 huddle in a corner.] DOCTOR: Romana! We must try to stabilize the TARDIS! We're tumbling directly toward that grey hole! ROMANA: I'm trying, Doctor, but it isn't easy with us shaking about like this. Can't you adjust the architectural configuration circuits to get this room under control, at least? DOCTOR: I can't. Not without my sonic screwdriver! ROMANA: Well, that's in the storage closet! DOCTOR: I know, but I can't get their with the room shaking this way! ROMANA: That is why you need to adjust the architectural configuration circuits! DOCTOR: And that's why you need to stabilize the TARDIS! ROMANA: Right. [She pushes some buttons, moves some dials, suddenly the room stops shaking.] ADRIC: Good going, Romana, you did it! ROMANA: I'm afraid not. LEELA: What do you mean? DOCTOR: She means that, the TARDIS has passed the event horizon threshold of the grey hole and we're now frozen in time and space. ROMANA: Not exactly. DOCTOR: (looking puzzled) Well, what do you mean then? ROMANA: I mean that it is just 12:00 and the cameraman went on lunch break, so he stopped shaking the camera. ADRIC: So, what does this mean? ROMANA: It means, we're safe...for the time being. DOCTOR: It also means we're without BBC coverage, K-9? K-9: Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: Can you control the camera remotely for us? K-9: Yes, Doctor. [The room begins to shake again.] DOCTOR: Good Dog, K-9. ROMANA: [Pretends to make some adjustments to the console.] There, I've stopped the tumble. [The room stops shaking.] DOCTOR: Good, now what caused that? ROMANA: Viewscreen on. [All turn to look at the screen. It shows Zarkov's ship and Ming's two (2) ships chasing it.] LEELA: That's what caused all the trouble? DOCTOR: It appears that way, Leela. Romana, where are they going? ROMANA: Computing. (to herself) What's the integral of (4x-3) raised to the -1 dx. ADRIC: (overhearing) one-fourth the natural log of the absolute value of 4x-3. ROMANA: Right. Here's where they're headed. [The viewscreen changes, showing a familiar, blue-green planet.] DOCTOR: Well, then, set course for Nexus Point Earth. [Scene 7. Exterior Shot. The Enterprise (1701-A) is in orbit around a familiar, Class M planet. We begin with a voice-over.] KIRK: Captain's Log. Stardate 314159.7. Upon returning from the center of the galaxy, we discovered that, for reasons unknown, the Federation had been wiped from existence. Spock surmised that 'God' may have done something to prevent it from ever existing. Scanning Enterprise history records, Spock found, what he believes is the key moment in time that must have been altered. We are now going to attempt time warp back to old Earth date, 1965... [Scene change. Interior Shot. The Enterprise bridge. Spock is at the science station; Uhura, communications; Sulu, helm; Chekov, navigation; Rand, environmental engineering; Kirk has the conn; McCoy as usual, is leaning against the railing.] KIRK: Kirk out. [Closes log and hands it to a passing ensign.] Spock, are your calculations,...finished? SPOCK: Routing to engineering and navigation, now, Captain. KIRK: (Opening a channel) Scotty, how soon can you be ready? SCOTTY: (over intercom) I dinna ken, Captain. Perhaps 2 hours.... KIRK: (wincing in concentration) 2 hours divided by four, 2 hours divided by four... SPOCK: One half-hour, Captain. KIRK: You have a half-hour, Mr Scott! SCOTTY: (over intercom) Aye, Captain. Alright, ye lazy bums, get moving! Run that drill over there... KIRK: (cutting off intercom) Uhura, give me an intraship channel. UHURA: You're on Public Access Channel 7, Captain. KIRK: Attention Enterprise Crew-rew-rew, (echo effect :) Captain Kirk speaking-king-ing. We have emerged from the field at the center of the galaxy-axy-xy, to find that the Federation has been wiped-iped-ped from existence-ence-nce. We are [Throughout this monologue, scenes from all over the ship should be played. Examples: 2 crewmen chasing each other down the corridor, a karate exposition, 2 crew persons necking, a pillow fight, i.e. No one should be paying any attention to Kirk] about to attempt Time Warp-warp-arp. Be advised-ised-sed, at this time-ime-ime. I'd like to say-ay-ay, that today-day-ay, I consider myself-elf-elf, to be the luckiest captain-tain-tain, on the face of the earth-earth-earth. [Makes a motion to cut channel.] UHURA: Channel closed sir. KIRK: I think the crew enjoys it when I...get down...verbally, don't you Spock? SPOCK: (raising one eyebrow) Indubitably, Captain. Indubitably. [Spock turns to his console. Camera focuses on screen. It turns out that the ship's computer is a UNIX machine.] [Scene 8. Interior Shot. Bridge Computer screen. The following appears on the screen: spock@bridge> rn Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.sex.vulcan-ears Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.murder.overacting.captains Warning! Bogus newsgroup: soc.vulcan.death.grip Warning! Bogus newsgroup: alt.swedish.chef.bork.bork.bork (Revising soft pointers--be patient.) Unread news in alt.hypercube 4 articles Unread news in alt.horta.language 15 articles Unread news in alt.mind-meld 9 articles Moving bogus newsgroups to end of your .newsrc. Delete bogus newsgroups? [ny] y ******** 4 unread articles in alt.hypercube--read now? [ynq] q rec.arts.paperclip-bending ******** 0 unread articles in rec.arts.paperclip-bending--read now? [ynq] n ******** 314,345,965,218 unread articles in rec.arts.startrek--read now? [ynq]y Article 93587612495 in rec.arts.startrek: From: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek, rec.arts.drwho, rec.arts.tv, alt.movies,rec.arts.startrek.info, alt.cult-movies Subject: Re: What is with this lame parody? Summary: Move over Parody, here's something even lamer! Message-ID: <12202022892@cs.indiana.edu> Date: 17 Mar 45 13:22:20 GMT References: <2345 Mar 12.2345661.25621@above.omni> Sender: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Answers, Bought And Sold Lines: 19 In article <2345Mar12.2345661.25621@above.omni> yahweh@heaven.above.omni (His Most Gracious God) writes: >Unarguably, this is the most horrible piece of trash ever >written. I challenge anyone to find something more poorly >written than this. Challenge accepted: And I quote, 'Glurbitoodledum/a word nonsensical/ in meaning, yet chock full o'/vowels. Unlike syzygy/with meaning yet/vowels none./The depth of/the universe/in a blink of a frog's nostril./They fluglehorn dances.' -Death of an Indigent Cow by James D Quentin -Oracle You owe me a large work of poetry by the great masters. End of Article 93587612495 (of 314345965218)--what next? [npq] q ******** End of newsgroups--what next? [npq] q spock@bridge> logout [Scene 9. Interior Shot. A plush, wood-paneled boardroom. A long, black table takes up a large portion of the room. Nine chairs are placed around the table. One is obviously occupied, by a man dressed in black, stroking what appears to be a white cat. It is hard to be certain, for the chair keeps its back to the camera. The other chairs are empty, but each is labeled with a small sign at its place. The signs read: KAOS, Cobra, Latvia, Red Lektroids, Red Headed League, Syndicate, Lex Luthor Inc, Dimension X. The camera should pan around the table, making sure each sign can be read. Finally, the camera focuses on a set of double doors, and we hear a buzzing noise. The buzzing is answered by a raspy voice.] VOICE: Yes. SECRETARY: The gentlemen you summoned are here to see you now. They don't look very happy. VOICE: Send them in. [The doors open and in walk the leaders of every major crime organization in the world. For the syndicate, Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin; for Latvia, Dr. Victor von Doom, Dr. Emilio Lizardo/John Whorfin of the Red Lektroids; Hanz Zigfrid, leader of KAOS; Professor Moriarity, the criminal genius; Cobra Commander; Lex Luthor, of Lex Luthor, Inc.; and Krang, supreme ruler of Dimension X, and a disembodied brain. They walk in and sit in their respective seats. None of them are happy to be there.] VOICE: (still not turning around) I suppose you men are wondering why I called you here. KRANG: The thought had crossed me. [Mutters of approval from the others.] VOICE: With the exception of myself, you eight represent the greatest criminal minds in the world. KINGPIN: (interrupting) Who are you anyway? VOICE: Who I am, is not important right now. What I can give you is. DOOM: And what is that? VOICE: Organization. Cooperation among each other. Each of you is great at what you do, but in many areas you overlap. I'm surprised you haven't wiped each other out in competition already. [The men begin to protest, but a raised hand quickly quiets them.] Kingin, you're organization is superb, but how much more could they accomplish with access to weapons like Dr. Doom's. Doom, your robots are incredibly advanced, but can only be programmed so well. Krang, your mutant creation capacity is incredible, but you don't really know what kind of mutants to make. Mr. Luthor could tell you this, and Luthor, what could you do with an army of super-powered mutants at your command? Zigfrid and Cobra Commander, your terrorist actions are impressive, but could be increased exponentially if you joined forces and coordinated. Moriarity, your world wide network of miscreants and hoodlums is a force to reckon with, but lacks direction. I think Dr. Lizardo could provide them with that, Eh, Emilio? LIZARDO: We could crush those Blue Blazer Irregulars like the bugs that they are! VOICE: Gentlemen, I think we can see that each of you has something to offer the others, those that I mentioned are only the tip of the iceberg. I propose we form a World Crime League, to coordinate our actions, and bring the world under our power. Now, shall we get to business? [Scene 10. Interior Shot. A lounge or study of some kind. The floor is done in red, plush carpeting. Downstage right is a small table with an with the curtains drawn, although someone is clearly lying in it. The walls are covered mostly with books and paintings. Upstage center is a door which bursts open. In walks a person dressed in a 'Phantom of the Opera' costume. He whips off the mask and is revealed to be Lieutenant Commander Data.] DATA: My friend, [rushes to the bed] I came as soon as I heard. VOICE: (from Bed) It is...rejection...My public has rejected me. My wound...is of the...soul. I die, and so, I flail. [It becomes obvious that the person lying on the bed is flailing.] DATA: I would give anything to save you, my friend. My money, my fame, my very life! VOICE: Your part in 'Phantom of the Opera'? DATA: Yes. [The figure in the bed whips off the covers and bounds out of bed. It's Jon Lovitz, as Master Thespian!] MASTER THESPIAN: I feel better. DATA: But, you were dying? MT: Acting! [Throws arm up in a trademark way] DATA: You fooled me. MT: Thank you. [Bows.] DATA: [Confused for a moment, then suddenly inspired.] Ring, ring. [Crosses to the phone and answers it.] Hello. [waits.] It's for you. MT: Thank you. [Crosses to the phone and takes it, Data steps back.] Hello. DATA: Hello. MT: Who is this? DATA: The studio. MT: What do you want? DATA: 'Phantom of the Opera' has been cancelled. MT: Oh no, [Begins to swoon] Say it isn't so, Joe. DATA: [Steps forward] It is not MT: But... DATA: It was me. MT: You fooled me... DATA: Acting! [Sweeps arm up] MT: Wonderful! DATA: Thank you. [Bows.] PICARD: Computer, stop program. [Walks into the scene] Data, what was that? DATA: I discovered a new role model for my acting attempts in the computer files. His name is Jon Lovitz, also known as Master Thespian. Is he not an appropriate role model? PICARD: No, Data, not really. [The ship suddenly shakes horrendously. Suddenly, Picard and Data are wearing different outfits. While obviously not costumes, they aren't uniforms either. Data is in a white, utility, body suit, while Picard wears a pair of black pants, a grey trenchcoat, and a hat.] PICARD: What was that? DATA: I do not know, sir. PICARD: To the bridge. To be continued.... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ "The Certs, Part I." A parody of ST:DS9's "The Search, Part I." By Leonard Richardson. Copyright (C) 1994 Hareware Productions. "Last Time" Voice: Last Time on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine... Announcer: Morn has no lines! Quark: Speak, Morn! Speak! Morn: Announcer: Tension fills the air! Aires: The Flounders don't exist! Guy: Do too! Aires: Do not! Guy: Do too! Announcer: And a Spamma Quadrant threat to silliness everywhere is unveiled! A'dor: This is a list of all the things we've blown up for offensive parodies! Kira: WEIRD AL YANKOVIC?!?!?! Now look here buddy, you're risking a war with the Federation! A'dor: That's the plan! Once we're at war, you'll have no choice but to put meaningful and dramatic battle scenes in your parodies! Stuffiness will reign! "And Now" Voice: And now, something else. Kira: What ways are there to stop the Hem'erhoid from coming in and threatening the silliness content of these parodies? Dax: We could collapse the wormhole... Kira: And get the series cancelled! Do you have any idea how much the merchandising is getting for Bajor! No, I want a third alternative! Dax: You mean a second alternative. O'Brien: Or just an alternative. Kira: Agh. Dax: Hey, something just appeared inside our shields! It's hailing us! Kira: Put it on. Audio: Ribbit! Ribbit! Dax: Hm, must be a croaking device. Dax: Wow! Look at that spiffy ship! Sisko: Yes, it's Starfleet's new "Ultra-Spiffy" class. Should have James Dixon climbing the walls. I'll tell you all about it after the opening sequence. Announcer: Deep Throat Nine is brought to you by Hazel's House of Hedgehogs. Announcer: "Where the hedgehogs flow freely." And also by AT&T. Voice from Death Star: Ha ha! Now we'll take over THIS universe too! Bashir: So what about this Certs ship, huh? Sisko: It was designed for one purpose only; to freshen breath, to fight gum disease, and to boldly use lines that too many people have used before! Dax: That's three reasons. Sisko: Whatever. It was designed to combat the bad body odor of the Borg, but then they all discovered Right Guard, so it was put on the back burner. And we're gonna take it to combat the stuffiness of the Spamma Quadrant. Our mission is to find the Flounders and convince them that we're not a threat. Bashir: With a big warship full of silly weaponry? Sisko: It's not big! Sisko: Don't say it. Sisko: And also, to create some character conflict, the producers have decided to introduce two minor characters. This here is Romulan Lady, she's not important enough to have a name. She's our expert in cloak technology. And this guy over here is gonna take over Odo's job for these two episodes and then Odo's gonna get it back because that's how these episodes always turn out. Aside from that, he's so unimportant that he doesn't even have a speaking contract. Odo: I'll storm out now. Sisko: Don't get mad Odo, it's only for two shows! Odo: I always knew Starfleet disliked my hairdo, but... Sisko: This is not a racial issue, Odo! Odo: Oh no, we're becoming topical again. Sisko: Sorry. Odo: I'm insulted at your policy of bringing current events into these silly parodies! I'm resigning! Sisko: Agh, now we're really stuck with the unnamed guy. Hey Odo! At least come with us to the Spamma Quadrant! Odo: Okay, but only because I save the day in part 2. Quark: You want me to seek out the Flounders? Sisko: You have connections with the Cro-Magnon... Quark: But I'm not a diplomat! Or an explorer! Or a guy with fresh-smelling breath! Granted, I'm pretty silly, but that's totally unintentional! Sisko: The Grand Nagus says do it! Or else! Quark: You're just trying to trick me! Quark: All right, I'll come with you. Sisko: What did O'Brien say when he examined the ship? Dax: Can't tell you. PG parody. Sisko: Well in that case let me just say that if we fail in our mission, the Hem'erhoid will overrun Bajoran with its stuffiness, replacing that which is already there. And I will not let that happen! Dax: You won't? Sisko: Nevah! Dax: It's just that you seemed indecisive there. Sisko: What was the point of this scene? Leonard: Something's supposed to happen, but I forgot what. Sisko: At least I didn't get smashed by a 16-ton weight. Sisko: I spoke too soon. Sisko: Are we ready to go? Romulan Lady: Just let me log off Da Warren... Sisko: No! No plugs here! Let's go! O'Brien: There's someone in the airlock, commander. Sisko: Huh? O'Brien: It's Bob Barker. Sisko: Let him die... Sisko: Set a course for the Cholera system. Kira: How come all these distant unexplored star systems have names already? Sisko: I don't know. Let's go! Kira: Vroom! Vroom! Caption: LATER Sisko: Is all going well? Dax: Well, there's good news and bad news. Sisko: What's the bad news? Dax: There are two Hem'erhoid ships on our tail getting ready to kill us. Sisko: What, isn't the cloaking device on? Dax: Well, that's the good news. Sisko: Agh! O'Brien: They're locking on and preparing to blow us into tiny shreds! Sisko: Cut the main silliness generator! Sisko: They must not have seen us. Quark: You've got to tell us where to find the Flounders! Vulture-Looking Guy: How come? Quark: Because the Grand Nagus-- Vulture-Looking Guy: Look, I've had it with this Grand Nagus Guy! I don't even know that the Flounders exist! Quark: I thought you took orders from them. Vulture-Looking Guy: Well, you're wrong. Our orders are piggybacked on top of "Mr. Ed" reruns in the form of subliminal messages. For all we know they could have been sent by a race of intelligent donuts! Or nonintelligent donuts for that matter! Quark: But you just follow these orders anyway? Vulture-Looking Guy: Well if you don't follow them then the Hem'erhoid come. And then you die. And then something else happens. Sisko: Could you at least show us where the orders are sent from? Vulture-Looking Guy: I can, for a PRICE! Sisko: Aw, c'mon! We blew the entire budget on hairspray for Dax! Vulture-Looking Guy: Then... no deal! Odo: What's this thing on the viewscreen? Sisko: Looks like a scratch. O'Brien: No, it's the Barbarian Nebula. Odo: The Barbarian Nebula... Sisko: Oh no, Odo's freaked out again. Q: Well, since the plot's stuck I'll have to go jump-start it. Picard: Enough of your plot twists, Q! Sisko: Boy, we sure made good time to that ultra-secret planet that nobody knows about! Dax: Hey, there's this thingy on the surface that's not guarded. It looks like a communications relay station. Sisko: What a great plot twist! Let's go! Dax: You can't go! We're gonna get captured and we need you on the bridge! I'll take O'Brien instead, he never does anything anyway. O'Brien: Yup, it's a communications relay station all right. Dax: I've never seen a station so... so communications- relayed! O'Brien: Let's snoop around and see what we can find. Dax: Okay, hey look at this! O'Brien: Wow, a lava lamp! And over here! Dax: A purposeless electronic gizmo! Sisko's Voice: Get to work you people! O'Brien: Er, and here! The coordinates for the source of all orders supposedly from the Flounders! Here they are... Voice: Ha ha! Get 'em, boys! O'Brien and Dax: Agh. Kira: I've lost contact! Sisko: I didn't know you wore contacts. Kira: This is no time for jokes! Sisko: Yeah it is! All the boring stuff was taken care of in the real episode! Kira: Well we better get out of here before those Hem'erhoid guys put an untimely end to the silliness! All: Run away! Run away! Odo: I feel... I must leave this place. Kira: Where are you gonna go? Odo: The Barbarian Nebula! Kira: Why? Odo: It's in the script. "Odo goes to the Barbarian Nebula for no readily apparant reason." Kira: After we've contacted the Flounders... Odo: NO! Now! It's gonna be our ticket out of part 2! Kira: Oh yeah, the attack of the seemingly irrelevant plot twists. But I thought that was only used in movies! Odo: Well, mostly, but it's good to put in two-parters too. Or one-parters for that matter. Sisko: We're under attack! Dax: By three Hem'erhoid ships! Sisko: How'd you get here? Dax: Uh-oh. Sisko: Fire all weapons! Romulan Lady: Launching the mouthwash torpedoes! Bashir: Ensign Redshirtsdiethisseason is dead! I'll take over his station! Bashir: Take that, minion of stuffiness! Romulan Lady: She canna take it anymore! Hem'erhoid Guys: We... are Hem'erhoid. You will be messily killed. Caption: LATER... Kira: Where am I? Odo: Over there. Kira: Ah. Odo: I rescued you from the Hem'erhoid in a shuttlecraft. Kira: How'd you get away from a Hem'erhoid fleet in a shuttlecraft? Odo: With my amazing YATI-O-Matic. Kira: Where are we going? Odo: The Barbarian Nebula. And look! There it is! Kira: Hopefully the information we get here will help us overcome miraculous odds in part 2. Odo: Its the Mother Odo! Kira: It's the third season! This is too soon! Random Person: Welcome home. Odo: We all know that this plotline isn't going to be resolved until we've thrown everyone into a frenzy. Kira: AAAAAAAIEE! Odo: That's one. Announcer: Next time, on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! A stuffy force from the other side of the galaxy! Hem'erhoid Guy: Oh. That's us. Announcer: Is trying to take over this side! Announcer: And they have DT9 in their iron clutches! Sisko: Why if ny chief enbenesn... boy, those cue card guys have sloppy handwriting! Announcer: Will the parodies still attempt to be funny? Or will they become slaves to stuffiness? Find out... on an ALL-NEW episode of Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! Next fortnight: Odo meets his fellow blobs! Admiral Paula M. Swenson meets her fellow stuffy people! But Romulan Lady doesn't meet the Rolling Stones live and in concert! What evil force is behind all this? Could it be the writer? Confused? You won't be... after the next MORN-MOSHING episode of...SILLY TREK: DEEP THROAT NINE! =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: SCI-FI Universe Magazine FROM ONE SIDE: Copyrights STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 5: P-S UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 3 (with recap) STAR TREK PARODY: "The Certs Part 2" [The Search Part 2] DS9 #47 ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail twice a month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. 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Send submissions to Oxnardus at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. ========================= ADDRESSES OF CONTRIBUTORS ========================= EDITORS: ------- OXNARDUS: Editor-in-Chief. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR kym.taborn@therealm.com; FidoNet: Oxnardus @ 1:206/2513; VirtualNet: 197 @ 1805020; RIF BBS (805) 588-9349: Oxnardus; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308 RIPLEY: Editor. Genie:M.Samuels1; Prodigy:NRCR88A; InterNet: m.samuels1@genie.geis.com. CORRESPONDENTS: -------------- Leonard Richardson: SySop: Da Warren BBS (805) 854-2478; Internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com Olympius of Borg: Internet: Juliaellen@aol.com; AoL: Juliaellen SWANNOX: Internet: swann1@muvms6.wvnet.edu; Prodigy: JPRN49A; Bitnet: Swann1@MUVMS6.