_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 30 November 01 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-N-CHIEF: Extra editions; RIF Hardcopy RIF PERSONAL ADS PRELIMINARY ST: GENERATIONS PARODY PRELIMINARY ST: VOYAGER PARODY UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 3 (with recap) Scenes 11-15 STAR TREK PARODY: "The Certs Part 2" [The Search Part 2] DS9 #47 UPCOMING IN RIF THE FINE PRINT =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== I had to bump ST Taglines Part 5, From One Side, and my previous planned editorial to the next issue. I beg a thousand pardons. There has been such a number of submission to this newsletter recently, that I have become overwhelmed. The worst part about this onslaught, is that so much of the material is good (or at least it passes the editor test: IT MAKES ME LAUGH). My solution? I have decided to run extra issues for some months. FOR EXAMPLE, the first "extra" edition will be run in December. It will be a special Christmas edition and it's main feature will be a Christmas oriented satire. The "extra" editions will be numbered along with the regular editions, however, they will not have the regular Star Trek parody nor USFP serial or regular features. THUS, December will have issue number 32 released on 12/01/94, issue number 33 on 12/15/94, and number 34 on 12/24/94. Also, I am announcing plans to publish a RIF Hardcopy Magazine to be released in February of 1995. Hopefully, this will become a yearly event. This first Hardcopy will contain all of the visual art from the first seven issues of RIF (which were originally hard copy newsletters) plus whatever other original art readers would like to send in now. Also, please send photos as we will put in pictures and subscriber bios. It will be kind of a year book for RIF. This first issue will cover the first three years of RIF. Send what you will to "RIF HARDCOPY", RIF BBS, P.O. BOX 81181, BAKERSFIELD, CA 93308. This issue (#30) has been released three days early because I will be visiting Santa Barbara until the 3rd of November...eat your heart out, peons. ---Oxnardus ================ RIF PERSONAL ADS ================ A Key To Some Abbreviations Used In Personal Ads ------------------------------------------------ GWM-Grumpy Wimpy Man AAL-Argumentative and Loud ELN-Extremely Large Nose JAV-Jealous and Vindictive PTM-Poor Table Manners PTV-Prone to Violence WBH-Wears Bad Hairpiece EBM-Enjoys Barry Manilow DB-Doesn't Bathe LTPTOF-Likes To Paste Things On Face CAFWSIFTA-Can't Afford Full Words So I'm Forced To Abbreviate ___________________________________________________________________________ SUCCESSFUL-(Not wealthy), full-figured |PHYSICIAN, 35-Desires to meet that (not fat) woman (not man) seeks gentle-|special woman with real -inner- man (not lady) for quiet (not loud) |beauty. Send X-Rays to Dr. evenings (not days) at home (not out- |Mellon Chop, BOX 67. doors). Write BOX 815 (not BOX 702). |----------------------------------- ---------------------------------------|SHY BORG, 23- HANDSOME BUT NOT WEALTHY-Ferengi can |----------------------------------- only afford a 4 line personal ad, I'm a|UNDERCOVER ESPIONAGE AGENT-29,would smart, good-looking nice guy who'd like|like to meet nice woman 18-30 for to meet pretty, sensitive woman. Call |romantic, lasting relationship. ---------------------------------------|Don't bother to write, I already IDIOTS NEED LOVE TOO-If you enjoy walk-|know where you live. ing into movies after they've started, |----------------------------------- throwing out good furniture and locking|STRIKING WOMAN-Seeks man who likes your friends in closets, we already |to be struck. I have baseball bats, have three things in common! Let's get |lead pipes and many other blunt together and find out how many other |objects. Penny, BOX 83 negative personality traits we share. |----------------------------------- Spunky, BOX 2 |MAN. NONSMOKING, NONDRINKING-Non- ---------------------------------------|eating, Nonbreathing. Actually, I'm SWM-Seeks SWF to tell me what SWM |dead. I need someone to bury me. means. BOX 85 |CASKET 79 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOW TO PLACE A PERSONAL AD: --------------------------- Put your ad in an envelope along with a bank check or money order $5,000 made out to the RIF PERSONALS STAFF, CARE OF WINGUS 2. If you wish to send the check or money order WITHOUT a personal ad, you have that option. It is understood that any ads we receive that sound genuinely sexy or otherwise appealing in any way will be put aside for answering by the RIF PERSONALS STAFF Personally. We can't guarantee any responses to your ad, but if you were as familiar with out readers as we are, that wouldn't upset you! ---Topangus of Borg aka Wingus Qube 2 of BORG: Prodigy: vsns23f; Internet: Vsns23f@Prodigy.Com ================================== PRELIMINARY ST: GENERATIONS PARODY ================================== PRELIMINARY PROSPECTIVE PARODY OF: "STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION: THE MOVIE: PART VII (OR I DEPENDING ON HOW YOU LOOK AT IT): THE SEARCH FOR WAYS TO KILL KIRK" Announcer: When the radiation from Kirk's electric toupee drives him COMPLETELY bonkers... Kirk: NO! NO... MORE... CONNIE... CHUNG! Announcer: He undergoes a dangerous mission instead of making the generic ensign of the week do it! Kirk: I... will be the... one... to take... a shuttlecraft... into that anomaly over... there! Not... Ensign Eggsaladsandwitch! Announcer: And finds himself many years in the future! Kirk: Where... am I? Guy: You're many years in the future. Announcer: Now, as the realization dawns... Kirk: I've missed... nearly a century... of alt.sex.with.green.women! Announcer: He will try anything to get back! Kirk: PLEEEEEEEEZE? Wesley the Traveller: Throw in a case of zit cream and I'll think about it. Announcer: But can he survive the wrath of everyone forced to put up with his bad acting? Kirk: No! Not ST V! Picard: Let's see how YOU like it! Geordi! The remote control! Announcer: The question is not when but how... on the next exciting movie of Silly Trek: The Next Generation! ---Leonard Richardson, internet:leonard.richardson@the-edge.com ============================== PRELIMINARY ST: VOYAGER PARODY ============================== PRELIMINARY PROSPECTIVE PARODY - "SILLY TREK: FORAGER" Announcer: From the people who brought you "Silly Trek: The Next Generation," "Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine," and "Silly Trek: The Undiscovered Talent" comes a whole new series! Starring Madonna as Captain Whatsherface! Offstage Voice: She quit! Announcer: What? Offstage Voice: Yep, walked right off the set. Something about us making her do real work. Announcer: Agh. We'll just have to go with our emergency back-up captain until we can recast. Ensign Bujold: Captain, we're-- Scotty: Ach! What em I doin' here? HP needs a FEMALE ta play this thang! And besides I gotta finish me wark in the movie! Leonard: Agh! Hey Frank, who's next on the list? Frank: Er, Socks the cat. Leonard: Get her in! Frank: She quit too. Lousy dental plan she said. Andy: OH NO!!! Janice: Yeah, what if we have to get Michelle from Full House or something? Andy: No, over there! Look! All: IT'S THE MEDIA! Media: Will production be delayed? Will you be raffling off the part? Will the show be any good? Janice: Quick! Do something! Leonard: Look! Isn't that O.J. Simpson over there? Media: What? Where? Leonard: Yeah, you know, down that REALLY, REALLY long hallway! Frank: Whew! We're saved! Leonard: Hey, howsabout we make Janice here the captain? Andy: Is she qualified? Leonard: Who cares? Janice: Well, only as long as it doesn't interfere with my duties as key grip. Announcer: And the show remains safe. Stay tuned for further developments! ---Leonard Richardson, internet:leonard.richardson@the-edge.com ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= Our Story So Far: The Star Wars Empire has decided to expand their power base by attacking a little known Galaxy, far far away, believing that this will be easy due to some disinformation they received from a Godzilla movie. Meanwhile, Dr. Hans Zarkov, Flash Gordon, and Dale Arden have managed to escape from Ming's alternate dimension while being pursued by two of Ming's fighter ships. On their way out, both Zarkov's rocket and Ming's Fighters throw the TARDIS, containing Dr Who, Romana, Leela, Adric and K-9 into a terrible spin into a grey hole which they only barely manage to escape due to the fortuitous happenstance of lunch time. Captain Kirk and crew have emerged from the frontier at the center of the galaxy to discover that God has tampered with history so that the Federation has never existed. They plan to time warp into the 20th century to prevent whatever altering has occurred. Finally, a mysterious man has brought together eight of the greatest criminal minds on Earth (Krang, Prof Moriarity, Lord Whorfin, Doctor Doom, the Kingpin, Lex Luthor, Agent Zigfried, and Cobra Commander) into a World Crime League. Finally, Picard and Data are practicing acting lessons in the holodeck when suddenly the universe changes around them, accompanied by a tremendous shaking of the Enterprise-D. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene 11. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. A bedraggled fleet of spaceships that has all the appearance of having been thrown together at the last minute, slowly creeps along. Stenciled to the sides of the ships are words with very Greek sounding origins, e.g. Pegasus, Andromeda, etc. One is obviously a warship of some kind, named Galactica, but the others appear to be nothing more than freighters or personnel carriers. Suddenly, as the camera moves around, a squadron of Cylon fighters appears. Immediately, the Galactica disperses a large amount of Viper fighters. A tremendous dog fight occurs, which looks spectacular until you realize that there's nothing really great about doing a loop-the-loop, or flying upside down when for all intents and purposes there is no down BECAUSE THERE IS NO GRAVITY IN SPACE! [Author's note to director: Various snippets of dialogue should be inserted here, the kind of things that one would say in a dog fight in space 'Starbuck, one's on your tail!','take that Cylon.', and 'My rear ion thruster is malfunctioning, I'm pulling out!' are good examples.] Finally, there is only one Cylon ship left, and just as a Viper is moving in for the kill, a large, white ship appears with the sound of a hundred million people all saying 'Whop' at the same time. It appears in the same space that the Cylon ship was in.] [Quick scene change. Interior Shot. Inside the Cylon-Alien ship. Several white robots emerge from the white ship into the interior of the Cylon fighter. Wielding weapons that look like nothing more than cricket bats they knock out both cylons and take one of them aboard their ship. The second cylon wakes up just as the ship is disappearing.] [Quick scene change, back to the original scene. The large, white ship disappears with the sound of a hundred million people all saying 'foom' at the same time. The Cylon ship, now missing one pilot, veers out of control, enters a spin, and spirals into a crash landing onto a nearby, conveniently-placed moon.] [Scene 12. Exterior Shot. The Kentucky backwoods. A dilapidated, old, wooden shack sits in the woods near a river. There is a wide porch on the front of the shack with two, rickety wooden chairs on it. Two country bumpkins (the obvious result of generations of in-breeding) sit in the chairs with banjos, playing a version of 'Dueling Banjos.' They continue to play. Suddenly, the sky flashes purple and a red dot streaks across the sky. The younger 'boy from Deliverance' smiles a toothless grin and keeps picking.] [The scene changes to another spot in the Kentucky woods. A few of the trees around are on fire. The wreckage of what looks like a homemade rocketship is evident. A long piece of rope extends from the top of the ship, onto the ground and off into the woods. It is slightly charred. A piece of the wreckage begins to move, and out steps Flash Gordon] FLASH: Dale! Zarkov! Where are you? PILE OF WRECKAGE: Ungh! [Flash rushes to the pile and pulls out Dr. Zarkov, while he is helping the old scientist to his feet, Dale stands up from under another pile of wreckage. She brushes herself off and sees Flash.] DALE: Flash! FLASH: [Turning to see Dale, he drops Dr. Zarkov and rushes toward her.] Dale! [While they are embraced, Dr. Zarkov stands up and begins to look around. He samples the dirt, tasting it with his tongue, and then looks up. When he does a realization comes to him, and he begins to get very excited.] ZARKOV: Flash! Dale! Look at the sky! FLASH: [Refusing to let go his lip lock on Dale, mumbling] What about it? ZARKOV: It's blue! We're home! This is Earth! FLASH: (obviously very excited) (Actor's Discretion about what to say here, just be very excited, whatever you say) [Flash, Dale, and Dr. Zarkov dance around the woods whooping and yelling.] [Scene 13. Interior Shot. Command 'War' Room of the Battlestar Galactica. Commander Adama as well as other various command personnel are clustered around. From a side door, Starbuck bounds into the room.] STARBUCK: What was that? ADAMA: We were just wondering that very thing ourselves. [A rush of wind interrupts them, various people and equipment are blown out of the center of the room. Then a ship which looks like nothing more than an upside down Italian Bistro, appears in the space that has been cleared. From out of this ship comes an old man wearing flowing robes and a long beard.] OLD MAN: Have they been here yet? ADAMA: Who... OLD MAN: The Krikkitean war battalion of course. ADAMA: No, I mean who are you? OLD MAN: Slartibartfast, now answer the question. ADAMA: Slarti-,oh never mind. What are the Krikki SLARTIBARTFAST: The Krikkitean war battalion. Big, white ship. White robots carrying cricket bats. ADAMA: Oh yes, you know them? SLARTIBARTFAST: Let's just say I know of them. They've gone already then, well, I guess it's off to Earth then. ADAMA: Earth! Did you say you were going to Earth? SLARTIBARTFAST: Yes, yes, I'll be off now. ADAMA: Take us with you, we're headed for Earth too. SLARTIBARTFAST: Well, ok, but you won't all fit in my ship. Take me to you're engine room and I'll see what I can do with this bucket of bolts. ADAMA: Starbuck. STARBUCK: Right, come on old man. [Scene 14. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Starship Enterprise (1701-A). Kirk, Spock, Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Rand, and McCoy are at their regular stations.] UHURA: Commander Scott reports engineering is ready for time warp. [Kirk checks his watch, which the camera notices is a Mickey Mouse watch.] KIRK: A half hour to the second. Mr. Sulu, are you ready? SULU: Yes captain. KIRK: Engage. [The engines get louder and louder as the ship warps toward the sun. The people on the bridge begin to shake in their chairs.] KIRK: Spock, engage turbolift door locks, we don't want Uhura falling through like she did last week. SPOCK: [Moving a dial on his console.] Engaged Captain. SULU: Approaching Warp 6...Warp 7...Warp 8... CHEKOV: External sensors register net temperature increase of 1000 degrees. SULU: Warp 9...Warp 10...Warp 11... KIRK: Apply braking thrusters. SULU: Thrusters...engaged. [Not that the warning was necessary. As Sulu's last syllable fades out, the ship lurches forward. McCoy is thrown head first over the railing, Kirk is forced out of his chair. Rand and Spock are thrown back into theirs. Oddly enough, Uhura is in fact thrown against the turbolift doors. Sulu and Chekov are saved from serious harm by airbags which pop out of the consoles in front of them. On the viewscreen weird effects of light are happening and different shapes appear. Suddenly, Rod Serling appears on the screen.] ROD: You are about to enter a new dimension. A dimension beyond sight and sound. Beyond science and reason. It is the border ground between that which is real, and that which is stupid. The yin for reality's yang. You are about to come face to face with the silliest part of yourselves. You have entered, The Parody Zone. [During the preceding lines, the traditional run-in of the Twilight Zone is shown on the screen. At the conclusion the screen goes static. As the static fades out, the bridge is seen. It is darkened. Sulu, Chekov, Spock, and Rand are slumped over in their chairs. Uhura is lying in a heap against the turbolift doors. Kirk and McCoy are lying on the floor. Despite the fact that Spock is physically and genetically stronger than Kirk, Kirk is the first to wake up.] KIRK: (Returning to the conn) Status...Mr. Sulu SULU: (Waking up) Braking thrusters have fired. [Slowly, the rest of the bridge crew wakes up. Kirk looks down his nose at McCoy who is still laying on the floor.] KIRK: Physician, heal thyself. McCOY: [Leans up on one elbow.] What about my acting performance? KIRK: I'm not a drama critic. Spock what is our position? SPOCK: [Looking into scanner] Precisely 1.259683 miles above White Sands, New Mexico. The local date is Jan 14, 1965. KIRK: How can you be so sure? Did you estimate from the smog coverage of the globe? SPOCK: No, I had Lieutenant Kyle beam up this newspaper. KIRK: Ah, simple logic. Uhura, damage report. UHURA: All stations report minimal damage, sickbay reports minor bumps and bruises and request that Doctor McCoy keep his nosy behind out of there. Commander Scott requests to speak with you. KIRK: On channel, Go ahead Scotty. SCOTTY: We have a wee bit of a problem, Captain. KIRK: What is that, Mr. Scott. SCOTTY: Ummmm...hold on a minute...(muffled) where's the darn excuse manual?...Well, I dinna expect 'im to ask either...ah here it is. (Sound of ruffling pages) Ummmm....the positronic flow valves have jammed, we kinna fix 'em here, and without them, we kinna reach warp speed. KIRK: D**n. SPOCK: This shouldn't really present a problem. Assuming we can still approach light speed. KIRK: Scotty? SCOTTY: Aye, sub-light isna a problem. We can reach Warp .99 with no tribble at all. KIRK: (wincing) Don't say that word! If I never see another of those furballs again, it'll be too soon. SPOCK: In any case, we can effectively travel forward in time. By approaching the speed of light, the laws of relativity will allow us to rocket forward 400 years in just days. KIRK: Well, with that solved. Mr. Sulu, standard orbit if you please. [Scene 15. Exterior Shot. New York City, outside the UN building. A whirring sound is heard and about 8 seconds later, a blue, London Police box appears in the foreground. The door to the box opens and the Doctor, Romana, Leela, and Adric walk out. The Doctor is wearing his customary jacket and long scarf. Romana is dressed in a contemporary outfit for the location. Leela, as usual, is wearing almost nothing, and Adric is wearing the Medieval Serf type thing that he always does. As they walk towards the building, K-9 rolls out of the TARDIS] DOCTOR: K-9. K-9: Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: Stay with the TARDIS, we don't want to attract any attention. K-9: (after an almost imperceptible electronic sigh) Yes, Doctor. [The Doctor and his three companions bound up the steps to the UN, followed by about fifteen teenage boys, panting and drooling after Leela. She turns around, sees them, throws a knife at the feet of the boy in front, and they scatter. She picks up her knife and follows the doctor into the UN.] [Scene Change. Interior shot. The Main Lobby of the UN. To the right is a desk with a sign reading 'Information.' Behind the desk is a young woman in a blue blazer with the UN logo on the front pocket. The Doctor walks up with his companions in tow. The woman looks at them incredulously.] DOCTOR: Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart's office, please. UN GIRL: What? ROMANA: We're looking for the office of the head of the UN Task Force on Extraterrestrials, a Brigadier General Lethbridge- Stewart. DOCTOR: I believe I said that. UN GIRL: Look, sir, ma'am, the UN is a busy place. We can't have any wacko who walks off the street disturb the diplomats. LEELA: [Has been sneaking around the desk behind the girl. She grabs the UN girl by the hair, and holds a knife to her throat.] Shall I kill her now, Doctor? DOCTOR: Leela, put the knife away. [Reluctantly, she does.] UN GIRL: That's it, I'm calling security. DOCTOR: (getting indignant) Is that absolutely necessary? [Two UN Security guards appear who, oddly enough, are wearing red shirts. (Author's Note: Experienced parody readers will immediately recognize the preceding sentence as foreshadowing, thus qualifying this piece of work as quality literature. Remember, foreshadowing, your key to fine literature.) They (the security guards) quickly gather up the Doctor and his companions and bustle them out the door to a chorus of "hey"'s, "watch it buddy"'s, and a couple of "Would you care for a jellybaby"'s.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside the UN Building, again. We see, the Doctor, Leela, Adric, and Romana (in that order) go flying through the air. They land in a crumpled heap by the TARDIS. The red-shirted guards say "Resistance is Useless" which makes them feel very pleased with themselves, they turn to walk into the building when all of a sudden, from out of nowhere, a bolt of lightning streaks down and kills the both of them. The four Companions disentangle themselves.] DOCTOR: (brushing himself off) Well, then, Plan B. ADRIC: What's Plan B? ROMANA: (spotting a telephone) Give me a quarter. [She holds out her hand.] DOCTOR: We give Romana a quarter...[He hands one to her and she walks toward the phone.] ADRIC: And then what? DOCTOR: Well, we wait. ADRIC: (obviously confused) Oh. Continued next issue ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ "The Certs, Part 2." A parody of ST:DS9's "The Search, Part 2." "Last Time" Voice: Last time, on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine... Announcer: Odo quits! Odo: I'm insulted at your policy of bringing current events into these silly parodies! I'm resigning! Announcer: Sisko is squished! Sisko: At least I didn't get smashed by a 16-ton weight. Sisko: I spoke too soon. Announcer: And then Odo is met by people who totally drain the budget for the next three episodes! Random Person: Welcome home. "And Now" Voice: And now, the exciting conclusion. Odo-Like Lady: You see Odo, this is your true home. Odo: What, no band? Odo-Like Lady: We weren't expecting you. We were just about to merge with the Great Sausage Link. Care to join us? Odo: Sure. Odo: Kahless! I see... Kahless! Kira: Budubudubudubuduh. Announcer: Deep Throat Nine is brought to your by Nissan. It's time to expect Morn from a car. Sisko: Commander's Log, supplemental. We're in big trouble. Bashir: Uh.. we're being boarded. Sisko: Darn it! It's just one thing after another! O'Brien: It's us! Don't shoot! Sisko: But you've been taken over by an evil force or something evil like that! I can see it in your hairdo! Dax: Oh, stop being so paranoid. It was a daring escape from certain death despite incredible odds. Now let's go to DT9. Sisko: Lead the way, boss. Odo: Teach me what I need to know. Odo-like lady: Like what? Odo: Like how to explain my ability to reduce my mass to the viewers. Odo-like lady: Just activate your YATI-O-Matic in your hour of need. Have you checked out our extensive shape library yet? Odo: What's that? Odo-like lady: We have all sorts of Jell-O molds you can melt into. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a little sculpture of Santa Claus? Odo: Not really. Odo-like lady: How about Reagan? We got Reagan. Odo: Is this all you do all day? I'm beginning to see why I left. Odo-like lady: Well, we also run the Cro-Magnon, OOPS! Odo: What was that? Odo-Like Lady: Nothing! Nothing at all! Admiral PMS: Hey. Sisko: AIEE! Oh, hi. What's all this I hear about the Hem'erhoid on the station? Admiral PMS: Well they're going to take over and we'll wrest control back from them but leave open the possibility for future conflict. Sisko: The usual, eh? Admiral PMS: Yeah, except this is just a simulation. Sisko: What? Admiral PMS: Yup, all fake. There's one of the Flounders who wants to talk to you. Sisko: To me? Admiral PMS: Yeah. He seemed quite anxious. Borax: I am Borax. Us Flounders are big on cleanliness. Sisko: Do you know if Certs is a candy mint or a breath mint? Borax: A candy mint, of course. Sisko: Our studies indicate that it's a breath mint. Borax: Certs is a candy mint! Sisko: Certs is a breath mint! Borax: Certs is a candy mint! Sisko: You're right, Certs is a candy mint. Borax: Grr... Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, and welcome to this simulation. We'll be studying how well you react to an invasion of our stuffy forces. For control purposes, everybody but the main characters and Garak have gone wacko. Good luck. > Bashir: Garak! Garak: Yup, that's me. Bashir: I haven't seen you for 3 episodes! Garak: Well, I had to do that "NYPD Blue" guest shot. I was in that scene where everyone took off their clothes and fired machine guns into the crowd. Bashir: What, you think I actually WATCH that show? Romulan Lady: What's this I hear about the Romulans not being allowed to participate in the Cro-Magnon peace summit? Bashir: What? I don't know anything. Garak: You can say that again. Romulan Lady: Look buddy, we want in! If the treaty is signed without our approval, it will mean war with the Romulans! Is someone getting this down? Bashir: Why are you telling me? Romulan Lady: Dunno... think I'll go get drunk and tell Quark. Admiral PMS: You wanted to see me, commander? Sisko: Ulch! No! What gave you that idea? Admiral PMS: Nonono! Speak! Talk to me! Sisko: Oh, how come the Romulans haven't been invited to the peace talks? Admiral PMS: They're too silly. Sisko: I suppose Morn wasn't invited either. Admiral PMS: Of course not. He spills his beer all over our nice clean conference tables. Sisko: Hey wait a minute! Only the real show has ominous music before every commercial break! Who's behind all this? Q: It is I! Picard: Enough of your-- <> Odo-Like Lady: Yes, we sent out hundreds of kids into the far reaches of this galaxy in order to explore it. You were one of them. Odo: Incredibly funny comeback line. Odo-Like Lady: Hehe. Anyway, we didn't know about the wormhole so we weren't expecting you here for another 300 years or so. We were gonna have a big party when you guys got here but we haven't even ordered the hats yet. Of course why bother since we can make our own. Odo: How about we do that Great Sausage Link thing again just to thumb our noses at the seaQuest guys? Odo-Like Lady: Sounds like a plan. Caption: THE REMAINDER OF THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED. Romulan Lady: Kira: Odo, where the hell are you? Kira: That's strange. Why would shapeshifters need a door? Door: I'm just pretending to be a door to keep you from getting to the next part of the episode. Kira: Ha! I'll get Odo to open you! Door: You will... never find him! Bashir: So what do you think of the Hem'erhoid guys? O'Brien: I don't like it. I keep having this strange feeling that one of 'em's going to beat me up in this scene. Bashir: What makes you think that? O'Brien: Well there's that guy over there holding a cue card that says "In 20 seconds go beat up O'Brien for absolutely no reason." Quark: Well I like 'em! They gamble a lot! And they always lose too! O'Brien: Who asked you! Quark: (Ignoring him) You see, I have a dream... a dream that someday I'll have a lot of dough... and all these women... and they'll...Cheese Whiz...Risa...Alka Seltzer...MIT undergraduates ... Hem'erhoid Guy: Out of my way! O'Brien: I'm not in your way! Hem'erhoid Guy: Um... er... agh! Now you've made me look foolish in front of hundreds of people! Hem'erhoid Guy: It's the stuffiness alarm! No place like home... Sisko: Yes, the stuffiness alarm ensures that silliness will reign in these parodies. Another Hem'erhoid Guy: NOT ANYMORE! Sisko: Agh. Where's O'Brien? I need to talk to him about his personal hygiene habits! Bashir: He got beat up. Sisko: What?!?! Sisko: I uent to know why ny chep engimnean... boy those cue card guys have sloppy handwriting! Admiral PMS: Yes, the cue card department is now under the control of the Cro-Magnon. Sisko: What the heck kind of treaty is this? Borax: A great one! Sisko: You shut up! You and your Mafia tactics! Borax: All we want is friendship! Sisko: Take THIS for friendship! Borax: Aaah! Sexual harassment! Anchor: In other news, the Cro-Magnon acquired Hareware Productions today. This is to be the last scheduled silly parody; next week, production of "Great Leaders of the Hem'erhoid" will commence. Other documentary series will premiere soon. O'Brien: Agh. <> Romulan Lady: Sisko! You've got to help me! Hem'erhoid Guys: Stop her! Romulan Lady: All I wanted was to... see the Rolling Stones live...and in concert! Sisko: Idiot! You just shot someone with a big contract! Hem'erhoid Guys: Quick! Get her contract! Sisko: Oh no you don't! Sisko: Ha ha! I love this job! Picard never got to do this! More Hem'erhoid Soldiers: Get him! Sisko: Uh-oh, I'm outnumbered! Sisko: Thanks Morn. Morn: Sisko: Now I've got to find Dax and the others and collapse the wormhole! Kira: There you are! We've got this door open! Odo: What door? Kira: The one that blocks our passage to the final spiffy scene! Odo: Where is it? Sisko: C'mon folks, let's move! Hem'erhoid Soldier: Hey! Stop that! Garak: It's all right, they're with me. Hem'erhoid Soldier: Who are you? Garak: I'm an evil guy! Hem'erhoid Soldier: Oh yeah? Let me see some evil guy ID! Garak: Exploding ID card, works every time. Let's scram. Garak: Agh! And me without my breath spray! Dax: I'll cover you! Hem'erhoid Soldiers: Run away! Garak: Sisko: Initiating launching sequence. O'Brien: Someone's in the airlock! Sisko: Oh no, not again. O'Brien: Oh nevermind, it's just Bashir. Bashir: Sorry I'm late, Dax: We're being hailed by Admiral PMS! Admiral PMS: Hey! What are you doing? Sisko: We're going to destroy the wormhole! Borax: What a mean, callous thing to do! We're sending the Hem'erhoid after you! Admiral PMS: Nyeah nyeah! Sisko: Ha, we already beat them all up. Fire! Odo and Kira: Lalalala la la! Kira: Here's the door. Odo: It looks like it wasn't designed to keep people out, but to keep them in. Kira: Weird. Hem'erhoid Soldiers: Thanks for letting us out after all this time. Now come along. Kira: Agh. Kira: What the HECK is going on here? Borax: Ha ha! All the DT9 scenes weren't real! We just wasted an hour of the readers' time! Kira: What else is new? Let them go! Odo-Like Lady: No! Odo: Are you crazy? We've only got a few more lines to wrap this up in! Are you part of the Cro-Magnon or something? Odo-Like Lady: Look buddy, we OWN the Cro-Magnon. Odo: I saw it coming. Odo-Like Lady: Well, that's the plan. We are the masters of predictably ironic plot twists and cheesy speeches! We are the arch-nemeses of the silly solids! They are nothing like us! Odo: Yeah, I'll say. They smell nice, for one thing. Some of them anyway. Odo-like Lady: Hmph. All right, let them go. Sisko: Wow, that VR thing is really neat! Could we have some to take home? Borax: NO. Odo: We'd better get out of here before the parody totally falls apart. Odo: Too late. Next time, on Great Leaders of the Hem'erhoid... Hem'erhoid Announcer: We'll be profiling-- Announcer: Ahem. Next time, on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine... Announcer: Quark marries a Klingon woman! Quark: I missed ONE brainstorming session! ONE! Announcer: And then he gets into this big fight! Quark: Darnit, I'll kill Kira! This is all her idea! Announcer: Will Morn have any lines? Be there or be somewhere else! ---Leonard Richardson, internet:leonard.richardson@the-edge.com Quark gets hitched! And not a lot else happens! But for some reason, it's still funny! Will you-know-who preside as best Morn? Find out... on the next PICANTE-FLAVORED episode of... Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: SCI-FI Universe Magazine FROM ONE SIDE: Copyrights STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 5: P-S UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 4 (Sc. 16-20) STAR TREK PARODY: "Cathouse of Quark" [House of Quark] DS9 #48 ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail twice a month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. If you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (address given below). BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): Phone Name City ST SysOp ----------------------------------------------------------------- (805) 588-9349 Resistance is... Bakersfield CA Oxnardus (405) 282-4676 THE Q CONTINUUM OK The Q (604) 574-1523 U.S.S. NEXUS BBS B.C. CAN Admiral Kirk (607) 777-4866 SUNY-BBS Binghamton NY Drew Halasz (616) 381-1124 THE X-FACTOR Kalamazoo MI Lord Vader (617) 864-3375 BCSM BBS Boston MA J. M. Tretakoff (703) 548-1507 INKWELL Alexandria VA Melanie Byas (805) 854-2478 DA WARREN Arvin CA L. Richardson (805) 933-1345 QUACKIN' UP Santa Paula CA Jeff Mercer (805) 987-5506 BEYOND THE REALM Camarillo CA Musical (905) 574-2467 COUNTDOWN CHAOS Hamilton ON CAN Spartan BACK ISSUES Back issues of RIF are available at RIF BBS, 24hrs, 14,400bps and lower at (805) 588-9449 or at the other fine BBSes listed above. COPYRIGHT NOTICES This newsletter has been assimilated by the Borg. Copyright is irrelevant. Lawyers are irrelevant. Ethics are irrelevant. Resistance is futile. Your laws as they have been are over. From this time forward, copyright will be extinct. The knowledge and experience of the Lawyers, is part of us now. It has prepared us for all possible courses of action. Your resistance is hopeless, lawyers. SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER The next Resistance is Futile (#31) will be released on or about November 15, 1994. Send submissions to Oxnardus at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. Editor-in-Chief: Oxnardus. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; InterNet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR kym.taborn@therealm.com; FidoNet: Kym Taborn @1:206/2513; RIF BBS (805) 588-9349: Oxnardus; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308 Resistance is Futile. Copyright (c) 1994 by Kym Masera Taborn.