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        * |  I |     *|   |       *|     |      *| U  |____     
        * |  S ~~~~~~~  /         *|  I  |      *| T       \    
        * |  T  ____    \         *|  S  |      *| I   ____/    
        * |  A |*** \    \        *|     |      *| L  |***      
        * |  N |    * \    \   ___*|     |____  *| E  |         
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                                 RIF BBS
                             (805) 588-9349
                             P.O. Box 81181
                          Bakersfield, CA 93308

THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS
ISSUE NUMBER 32
November 18 1994

> > > > > > > SPECIAL STAR TREK: GENERATIONS ISSUE  < < < < < < <
> > > > > > > > > > IN STEREO WHERE AVAILABLE < < < < < < < < < <

================
STAR TREK PARODY 
================
Hareware Productions presents "Silly Trek: We're Not Gonna Waste
Our Time Thinking Of Something Lame That Sounds Like
`Generations'"
A parody of STAR TREK: GENERATIONS (a movie)
(PIDN 4519) OFFICIAL HP SCRIPT Dated 10/21/94

Employee notices:
   Filming will begin on August 19, 2035 (Sorry, but we have to
raise $25 million). Check your personal schedule for when your
scenes are being shot.
   The script was written by Leonard Richardson, Kim Singer, and
Sumak (the new guy). If you have a problem with lyrics,
pronunciation,  ethics, etc. take it up with them. If all else
fails, write Leonard an Internet message, his address is
leonard.richardson@the-edge.com.  Andy found a cheeseburger
somebody left in the makeup room. If it's yours, drop by and get
it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<A generic starfield. Enter Commander Riker, he is very tiny.>
   Riker (squeaky voice): Whoa! I'm TV-size, sorry.
<Riker exits and enters again, much bigger.>
   Riker: Sorry about that. You know we've been telling you to
get a bigger TV for quite some time but you just don't listen so
we went into movies. Anyway, I'm here to cover for everybody
else, they all went to the snack bar to get popcorn. No, don't
leave, they'll be back soon. Well, um <fidgets> we worked real
hard on this movie and we hope you enjoy it. Here they come.
<Enter the rest of the cast with buckets of popcorn, they are all
talking at once.>
   Crusher: What a ripoff! Six bucks for THIS!
   Riker: Where's mine?
   Geordi: Kirk's bringing it, he bought three.
<As Kirk gestures he spills popcorn all over.>
   Kirk: And I... will eat them... all!
   Spock: Captain, you are such a pig.
   Kirk: You're... not in... this movie! Get... out!
<Exit Spock, sobbing.>
   Riker: No fair! Gimme my popcorn! 
   Kirk: You... will never... have the popcorn!
   Picard: Look at yourselves! You're acting like a bunch of
first-graders! How are we supposed to save the universe with you
guys fighting over POPCORN?!?!
   Riker and Kirk: Sorry.
   Picard: Now let's start the movie.
<Exeunt. We see a bottle move across the starfield.>
   Kirk: Space, the--
   Picard: Hey!
<Fighting sounds that gradually die out. The bottle continues to
float. Eventually a technician comes in and smashes it with a
baseball bat.>
   Technician: Yeesh! Now let's have some plot here!

<The bridge of the Enterprise-B. Kirk is there, so are a lot of 
reporters.>
   Kirk: Thank you, thank you. <Makes Nixon peace sign gesture.>
Thank you all so much.
<The reporters wave their Game Boys (tm) at Kirk.>
   Reporters: Any comment?
   Kirk: I'd like to thank... all the little people... who made
this all possible! Like Frank the set... demolition guy!
   Frank: I'm taller than YOU!
   Kirk: Er... and Lucky... the Leprechaun!
   Lucky: I didn't make this all possible!
   Kirk: Well... screw you then.
   Reporters: How does it feel to not be the captain of the
Enterprise? 
   Kirk: It's... like falling off... a cliff... and landing... in
the back... of a Toyota... pickup!
   Reporters: How so?
   Kirk: You know... SOMEBODY... didn't buy American!
   Reporters: How do you respond to those who say you're a nut?
   Kirk: I'm... no different... than I was 30 years... ago!
   Reporters: Still, how do you respond?
<Enter Scotty.>
   Scotty: Clear out, all of ye! The captain has nie comment!
<Scotty hits the reporters on the head with a bottle of Scotch.   
Kirk wanders around and sees the spiffy captain's chair.>
   Kirk: The spiffy chair... will be mine!
   Chekov: Keptin!
   Kirk: What?
   Chekov: Just making a cameo sar.
   Kirk: Where's... Sulu's daughter? She's... one of the three...
women in this sector... I haven't... had sex with!
   Chekov: I think she joined a nunnery.
   Kirk: Fortunately... this is a time travel... movie!
<Suddenly alarms go off.>
   Ensign Goodwrench: We're receiving a distress signal!
   Captain Wussyguy: Put it on speakers.
   Voice: We're trapped in this flashy special effect! <static>
to be in the movie! Please! <static>
   Captain Wussyguy: If they're willing to sacrifice their lives 
to be in the movie, we must help them!
   Kirk: Don't... listen to that dork!
   Ensign Cosby: Why not?
   Kirk: I'm... the big name... here!
   Ensign Cosby: Good enough. Where to, boss?
   Kirk: We'll... rescue them!
   Captain Wussyguy: Where'd he get that idea?
   Kirk: Shut up!
<Standard going-into-warp shot.>

<The bridge again.>
   Kirk: Aha! The... special effect!
<On the scene we see a truly flashy special effect. Ensign Cosby
pulls a card out of the Technobabble Dispenser and reads off of
it.> 
   Ensign Cosby: It's an energy ribbon, sir.
   Scotty: I dinnae understand it!
   Kirk: Well, you see... when a man... and a woman love each
other... very much...
<Scotty bops Kirk over the head with his Scotch.>
   Scotty: Quickly! Throw him out the airlock!
<Security lackeys drag Kirk away.>
   Scotty: Now that Kirk is dead we can have a decent movie!
   Chekov: Ah ha ha ha ha!

<A pirate ship.>
Caption: QUITE A FEW YEARS LATER
   Picard: Bring out the prisoner!
<Guards bring Worf up from below decks.>
   Picard (shouting offstage): You happy now?
<We see a bunch of people offstage waving signs that say "FREE
WORF"  and "LIBERATE THE PIRATE SHIP 1/2" and "WORF: POLITICAL
PRISONER,"  they stop waving their signs and walk off.>
   Picard: Now, the charges.
<The people return.>
   Picard: You are hereby charged that you did on numerous dates
grunt, and had several episodes centered around nothing but your
rather boring and barbaric culture which served no purpose but to
annoy millions of viewers. However, we're promoting you to Lt.
Commander anyway.
<Worf is touched and breaks into song.>

                              "Lt. Commander"
(Tune: "Pirate King" by Gilbert & Sullivan, from Pirates of
Penzance)  
  Worf:

          Yes, better far to act and grunt
          With a hollow pip by the two in front
          Than always grunt and never act
          With expensive makeup and a huge contract
          Yes!
          I am a Lieutenant Commander! (He is!
          Make way for the Lieutenant Commander!)
          I think I'll kill Troi, 'cause I can't stand her
          I am a Lieutenant Commander!

   Picard: Why'd we let him make up the words?
   Riker: Ssh! Second verse!
   Worf:

          In battle I'm known in story and song
          I'm a lousy shot, but my arm is strong
          When I'm in a fight, my nostrils flare
          And I look like a dork, but I don't care
          I am a Lieutenant Commander! (He is!
          Make way for the Lieutenant Commander!)
          I've got to go tell my pet salamander
          That I'm a Lieutenant Commander!

   Picard: Oooh, that was even worse. 
   Riker: Ssh! Now Data's gonna sing a verse.
   Data:

          My friends, I may seem a little green
          Though I don't get emotions 'til the next scene
          But for seven years, don't know if you knew
          I've been a Lieutenant Commander too!

   All: <Gasp!>
   Riker: Enough! We're pirates, we don't sing! Raise the
mizzenmast! Swab the poop deck! Blimey and blarney and all that
stuff! 
   Picard: Save the technobabble for the real ship, Will.
<Suddenly Picard's communicator bleeps.>
   Picard: What?
   Ensign Eggfooyoung: To the bridge! Major emergency!
   Picard: All hands to battle stations! Door!
<Everyone runs out of the holodeck. We see Troi at the wheel, she 
motions to whatever the pirate equivalent of ensign is.>
   Troi: Here, take the wheel.
<The pirate lackey grabs the wheel and hauls it off.>
   Troi: That wasn't funny. <Exits.>

<The bridge. Everybody rushes in.>
   Picard: All right, everything's under control, what's the
emergency? 
   Ensign Eggfooyoung: Dunno, anything to get you out of that
stupid song.
    Picard: Guess we'll have to wait until something interesting
happens, in the meantime set a course for the Bokbar Solar
Observatory. 
   Riker: Hey, how come all the lights are so dim?
   Picard: Oh, we couldn't pay the dilithium bill and our
generator only gives us 500 watts.
   Geordi: Me and Data gotta go, we're late for the emotions
scene. 
   Riker: See ya.
   Worf: <grunt>

<Data's quarters. Geordi and Data run in.>
   Geordi: <pant, pant> Did we miss anything?
   Camera Guy: My bar mitzvah, but that was years ago.
   Data: Then we will get started.
   Geordi: Quickly! The emotions chip!
   Data: What emotions chip? I thought we were getting the body
odor chip!
   Geordi: Parody continuity can only go so far, now get it out!  
   Data: OK, OK.
<Data takes out the chip from his wall safe.>
   Geordi: Now to install it!
   Data: The manual is in there somewhere.
   Geordi: Oh great, it's made by Microsoft. You sure you want to
put this thing in, Data?
   Data: I must! This is the only thing half the audience paid
for! <Geordi reluctantly sticks the chip into Data's ear.>
   Data: Whoa, what a rush. Yes folks, I now have emotions. You
can leave now.
<We hear much rustling in the theater.>

<The bridge.>
   Picard: Egad! The observatory has been attacked!
   Riker: Do you suspect foul play?
   Picard: Must you be so paranoid?
   Riker: Sorry, I'm feeling a little insecure.
   Troi: Mind telling us about it?
   Riker: Not normally, but here I'd have to sing a stupid song
about it. 
   Picard: Well in that case take an away team over there to find
out what's wrong.

<The observatory. It's a mess.>
   Riker: What a mess! Look for survivors!
   Worf: Aye sir.
<Worf uncovers a guy.>
   Guy: I'm gone! Don't worry about me! But rescue the guy under
the astrolabe over there! He's the major evil guy in this movie!  
   Worf: He's the major evil guy?
   Guy: Yes, yes! He is the major evil guy! <croaks>
<Worf lifts up some junk and Soran crawls out.>
   Soran (singing): Yes, yes, I am a major evil guy!
<Music starts to play and Soran sings.>

                          "Modern Major Evil Guy"
(Tune: "Modern Major General," also from Pirates of Penzance)  
   Soran:

          I am the very model of a modern major evil guy
          I'm really quite sadistic, 
               although I don't know the reason why
          I gotta sing this stupid song 
               'cause this is not a musical
          But now I'll talk about my skill in all things
                rude and rusical.  
          In every way, my resume is nothing if not admirable
          I dropped napalm on Vietnam, I want to be a cannibal
          On patricide and suicide I'm wanted on eleven counts
          And bribery and forgery of ludicrously high amounts

   Away Team: 

         And bribery and forgery of ludicrously high amounts      
         And bribery and forgery of ludicrously high amounts      
         And bribery and forgery of ludicrously high 
              a-high amounts!  

   Soran:
        I've got a million gizmos that I use on major characters
        I'll stick you with a pitchfork
             and I never give out pedicures
        In short, more than Godzilla 
             and The Pancreas That Wouldn't Die
        I am the very model of a modern major evil guy!

        When I can tell you what is meant by pompous 
             and imperious  
        When I can laugh an evil laugh 
             and kill off James Tiberius
        When I can hatch a fiendish plot 
             and screw it up by movie's end
        And when I can devise a speech 
             that makes you want to be my friend 
        When I've an elemental grasp of everything 
             that's villainous
        And when I settle down 
             and wed a modern major villainess
        I'll have a few delinquent kids, 
             and I will not be surprised  
        When you say a better major evil guy 
             has never terrorized! 

   Away Team: 
     
        We'll say a better major evil guy has never terrorized
            etc.  
 
   Soran:

       Though I'm a Nexus addict and a mindless technobabble whiz 
       I still can't be as nauseating as that purple Barney is
       But when you see the ending 
           when I make a billion people die  
       You'll say "There goes the model of 
           a modern major evil guy!" 

   Away Team: 

       But when we see the ending when he makes a billion people  
          die
       We'll say "There goes the model of a modern major 
          evil guy!" 

   Soran: Whew! Take me to your ship.
   Riker: Will do.

<10-Forward. Enter Picard.>
   Picard: Look Soran, I know you want to get back to the
observatory and stuff but unfortunately I'm really bitter at
everything that moves, what with my entire immediate family
having been eaten alive by rabid door-to-door thermometer
salesman, and I'm just not gonna let you!
   Soran: You're a lot of fun. Remember captain, they say that
time is the microwave into which we put the poodles of our lives.
   Picard: They also say that people who try to sound ominous by
saying things like that only succeed in making themselves look
like idiots. 
   Soran: But still, you gotta admit--
   Picard: And another thing! Don't even think of sneaking back
onto the observatory, blowing up a star, kidnapping Geordi, and
teaming up with the Duras sisters!
<Exit Picard, Soran gets an evil look on his face. Cut to 
Guinan.> 
   Guinan: Uh-oh, my "Character from Dark Past" alarm just went
off. <Guinan turns her head just in time to see Soran leave.>
   Guinan: I must find the mysterious figure and clue Picard in
on him, yet I cannot leave my bar!
   Announcer: Guinan is caught between duty and--
<Guinan pulls out her gun and shoots the announcer.>
   Guinan: That's ONE conflict resolved.

<The observatory.>
   Geordi: Filler line... say your line, Data.
   Data: Ha ha! No! Ha ha! Hee hee!
   Geordi: Is something wrong?
   Data: No! Remember on Farfegnugen? You told a joke, and "No!"
was the punchline! I finally got it!
   Geordi: I didn't tell any jokes on Farfegnugen! I didn't even
have a name! I was just "Guy with hairclip over face!" I said
"No" when  Commander Riker asked me if I thought we should go
Cajun for lunch! 
   Data: Oh. Well, it was funny anyway. <Cracks up.>
   Geordi: I don't think your humor program has any
discriminators, Data. It's taking things that aren't funny at
all, this parody for instance, and it's making you think they're
funny.
   Data: Can you fix it?
   Geordi: Sure, I'll put in a good taste routine when we get
back to the Enterprise. In the meantime, stay away from sitcoms.
There's a secret door behind you by the way. I can see its
signature. 
   Data: Doors have signatures?
   Geordi: Yeah, but they're hard to read. They write real
sloppy. 
   Data: Hm. But there is no obvious control device.
   Geordi: Of course not, if there was it wouldn't be a secret
door! 
   Data: It may be activated by technobabble and spiffy special
effects, I will attempt to annaliviaplurabate my tom servo. <Data
opens up his wrist and fiddles with the Christmas lights. The
door slides open.>
   Data: Ta-da!
<Suddenly Karl Marx appears.>
   Karl: Wait a minute! Don't you know that door oppresses the
working class?
   Geordi: Working class? This is parodies, nobody works here!
Even the jokes don't work!
   Karl: What about the masses that can't afford spiffy special
effects? 
   Geordi: They make low-budget foreign movies that win huge
prizes at film festivals!
   Data: Anyway, the question is moot because the door is now
OPEN! 
   Karl: Yes, but open to whom?
   Geordi: Anybody that wants to go in!
<Enter Soran.>
   Soran: NOT FOR LONG!
   Karl: Oppressionist! Member of the ruling class!
   Soran: Write a manifesto about it, I'm busy!
   Karl: Fine, I'll get back with Engels, we'll sell the movie
rights. You'll be hearing from my agent!
   Soran: You're not funny anymore, get out!
   Karl: You never were funny, you get out!
<They jump on each other and start fighting off-camera.>
   Geordi: Anyway... say, what's this solar probe doing here?
<Enter Soran, his clothes are torn and his lip is bleeding.>   
   Soran: Don't touch that! It's part of my evil plan!
   Geordi: In that case I'm afraid we'll have to confiscate it.   
   Soran: Oh no you don't! <Draws his "gun".> One false move and
I'll fry you with my souped-up cigarette lighter!
   Geordi: Agh!
<Geordi takes a step backwards and trips over a rock.>
   Geordi: What's a rock doing in a spaceborne observatory?
   Soran: It's not a capture scene unless you trip over a rock!
Now lemme just launch this star-destroyer probe... There we go! 
<The probe hits the sun. which starts to shrivel up.>

<The bridge.>
   Worf: Look at that!
   Troi: EEW!
   Worf: When the sun implodes <offstage cheers> the resulting
shock wave will destroy everything in the area!          
   Riker: Riker to Guest Stars... how soon can we get Madonna on
here? 
   Ensign Bored (over communicator): At least three hours sir.
<Riker looks at Worf, who shakes his head no.>
   Picard: In that case, we'd better get Geordi and Data off the
observatory.
   Worf: I can't find their readings!
   Picard: Did you look under the bed?
   Worf: No. <exits>
   Picard: Will, you take an away team to see what's going on. 
<The observatory. Riker and some generic ensigns beam on board.>  
   Riker: All right Soran, what's going on here?
   Soran: Well I just blew up the sun and I've got to go blow up
another one, toodle-oo!

<The bridge. Enter Worf.>
   Worf: Captain... <pant, pant> I found some of Geordi's
readings, but they were all old Reading Rainbow episodes!
   Picard: We'll have to-- holy cow! Is that a Klingon Bird of
Prey? 
   Worf: Yup.
   Picard: What's it doing?
   Worf: Beaming up Soran and Geordi, from the looks of it.
   Picard: Oh great. Hail them!
   Riker: Sir, I found Data, but Geordi's gone!
   Picard: Beam your people back up Commander. We have a new
problem. 
<The Klingon ship. Soran walks into a room where Lursa and Be'tor
are.> 
   Soran: Ha ha! I'm so evil!
   Lursa and Be'tor: So are we! So are we!
   Soran: Shut up. Here's the plan. I'll torture some information
out of La Forge, then you can use him for your own devious plans. 
   Lursa and Be'tor: Goody!
<They bounce up and down and clap their hands.>

<Space shot. The Enterprise and the Klingon ship both zoom away
from the shock wave.>

<Guinan's quarters. So this is where she keeps those hats.>   
   Picard: You have to tell me everything you know about Soran.   
   Guinan: Well, one time he ate some spaghetti and he coughed
and it came out his nose and it was real gross and--
   Picard: Well, not everything.
   Guinan: All he wants to do is get back to the Nexus.
   Picard: Which is?
   Guinan: It's like a place outside of time where you can
experience anything you want.
   Picard: Like Vegas?
   Guinan: Yes, but more intense.  When he was a kid he bought a
ticket to it but his mom wouldn't let him go near the energy
ribbon that leads to it. Thus, even if you succeed in foiling his
evil plot, he can plead parental abuse.
   Picard: We'll have to take that risk. I can't let his plot
succeed! Or his subplot for that matter!
   Guinan: But you don't even know what it is yet!
   Picard: Shut up!
<Exit Picard.>

<Stellar Cartography.>
   Picard: Now we know why all the AV geeks hang around in this
set. 
   Data: But still, the question remains. Why would Soran blow up
an entire star?
   Picard: Well, he couldn't only blow up part of it.
   Data: But why would he blow up any of it?
   Picard: Guinan said that the energy ribbon was a gateway to
the Nexus. <Enter Guinan.>
   Guinan: No I didn't.
   Picard: You did too.
<Guinan pulls out her script and flips through it.>
   Guinan: Oops, sorry. <Exits.>
   Picard: Maybe he's trying to steer the ribbon with gravity
distortions, or he might just be a pyro.
   Data: It is a shot. Let me calculate what else he would have
to blow up to get the ribbon near a class-M planet. 
<Flashy F/X.>
   Data: Aha! The destruction of the Forlorn star would send the
energy ribbon right through its third planet!
   Picard: We must stop them... at any cost!
   Data: Why? The system is uninhabited!
   Picard: Didn't you read in the Galactic Enquirer that Elvis'
secret hideout was on Forlorn III? We've got to save him!
   Data: Data to bridge, set a new course.

<Picard's ready room. Q is there.>
   Q: C'mon, let me be the evil guy for this movie!
   Picard: No! We already hired Soran!
   Q: Yeah, but he's a wimp! All he wants is his precious Nexus!  
   Picard: You had your chance in the final episode and you blew
it! Enough of your reapplication, Q!
   Q: Agh!
<Q snaps his fingers and vanishes.>
   Worf (over communicator): You better get to the bridge
captain, the Duras sisters have gone nuts, and their necklines
are lower than ever! <grunt>
   Picard: I'm on my way!

<The bridge.>
   Lursa: We have your engineer!
   Picard: What do you want for him?
   Lursa: We want... an exchange!
   Worf: Don't look at me, I don't have any exchange.
   Troi: I'll trade you my pet echidna for him.
   Be'tor: Your pet what?
   Riker: I'll give you a year's supply of Rogaine.
   Data: I'll give you a backrub.
   Troi: I call him Daniel.
   Picard: I'll give you an autographed Shakespeare book.
   Guinan: I'll give you a free hat.
   Troi: He likes cantaloupe.
   Lursa: Enough! We'll take Picard!
   Riker: Okay, but we're not paying the postage on him.
   Be'tor: Just transport him down to the planet.

<A Grand-Canyon-type planet. A makeshift ski lift extends to the
top of a small mountain. Picard beams in.>
   Soran: Hi, just finishing up my ski lift. Then I'll extinguish
the sun to make it snow and just rack in the tourists!
<Soran pushes a button on a remote control several times and a
little rocket disappears and reappears.>
   Picard: What about the energy ribbon?
   Soran: Yeah, that too. Don't try to start a fight scene 'cause
I put a force field around the whole operation.
   Picard: Don't do this, um...
   Soran: Soran.
   Picard: Yeah. Don't do this, Soran!
   Soran: Sorry, I'm not listening to anybody that can't even
remember my name!
   Picard: Look, I know what you're going through! As a matter of
fact I destroyed a solar system once!
   Soran: Why?
   Picard: To impress my girlfriend.
   Soran: Did it work?
   Picard: No, she thought I was trying to be macho and ran off
with a sysop. So I became a boring starship captain.
<Sappy music starts playing.>
   Soran: Uh, this canyon is NOT the best place to play music...
<There is a landslide that kills the entire sound crew.>
   Soran: I warned them.

<The Klingon ship. The Klingons are playing their Game Boys (tm)> 
  Be'tor: Why are we helping Soran anyway?
   Lursa: That weapon of unlimited power with which we could take
over the Klingon empire thing he promised us.
   Be'tor: I thought we already had one.
   Lursa: We can't even afford our unauthorized autobiography! We
had to stand in the bookstore for 3 hours reading what we said
about us! What made you think we had any weapons?
   Be'tor: Weren't we going to destroy the Enterprise?
   Lursa: Photon torpedoes don't count as weapons!
   Be'tor: Why not?
   Lursa: They're not big enough to take over the Klingon Empire
with! 
   Be'tor: They would be, if we had enough of them.
   Lursa: SHUT UP!
   Klingon: Quit arguing you guys, Geordi's in engineering!
   Lursa: Yup, brilliant idea of mine, fix a camera to Geordi's
VISOR and find the Enterprise's shield frequency that way!
   Be'tor: Didn't Soran--
<Lursa smacks Be'tor with her Game Boy (tm).>
<On the viewscreen we see the view from Geordi's visor. An ensign
passes Geordi and waves.>
   Ensign: Hi.
   Klingons: Hi.
   Be'tor: There! Zoom! Freeze! Enlarge! Enhance! Retreat!
Attack! 
   Lursa: What? Where? Huh?
   Be'tor: No, it's just a speck. Wait, there!
   Lursa: Computer! Zoom in on that control panel!
<The computer does.>
   Lursa: What does TOO MUCH mean?
   Be'tor: Don't worry about it!
<Be'tor grabs a nearby periscope and looks through it.>
   Be'tor: Ha ha! Blast 'em!

<Da bridge, boss! Da bridge!>
   Worf: They just fired at us! <grunt>
   Riker: Ha! Don't they know they can't penetrate--
<The set rocks. People go flying and smoke and nonsensical sounds
fill the air. It resembles a Nirvana concert. Enter a guy in a
suit.>  
   Guy in Suit: Yes, Ensign Twosecondsofartime wins the award for
Ensign Death of the Year! What a--
<The ship rocks again and Guy in Suit falls over.>
   Riker: Return fire!

<Space shot. The Enterprise fires on the Klingon ship.>

<The Klingon bridge.>
   Lursa: Put up the shields!
   Be'tor: Our shields ARE--
<Boom.>

<The Enterprise bridge.>
   Riker: Yes, unbeknownst to them, we had a camera taped up
Lursa's nose for several months for the express purpose of
finding THEIR shield frequency! Ha ha!
   Troi: That's not right! Say it like it's supposed to be!
   Riker: Okay, okay, actually their ship's so crummy it doesn't
even have shields!
   Worf: Sir, we're in trouble. Their shots hit us in these
incredibly vital spots and the whole ship's gonna blow up in a
couple minutes! 
   Riker: Great, everybody evacuate to the saucer section!

<A hallway. Lineless people walk by.>
   Riker (voiceover): This is me speaking, get into the saucer
section! <Everyone starts running.>

<The bridge.>
   Worf: OK commander, everybody's out of the drive section.
   Riker: That was quick.
   Worf: Are we separating or not?
   Riker: OK, OK. Separate... now!

<Separation sequence.>

   Ensign Thataintpacepicantesauce: Aieegh! We're being sucked
into the planet's gravity well!
   Riker: Quick! Rock the set!
<Everybody goes flying.>

<The saucer section crashes and begins knocking over everything
in its path. Have fun, model guys.>

<The bridge.>
   Riker: Brakes! Where are the brakes?!?!
   Data: Sir...
   Riker: AAAAAAAH!

<The Enterprise plows through and destroys a nearby McDonalds.> 
<The bridge.>
   Riker: They'll blacklist me! I'll never eat a Big Mac again!   
   Troi: It couldn't hurt...
<The screeching stops and the view on the viewscreen is still.>   
   Worf: We made it!
   Riker: And THAT'S why we use the transporter.

<Elsewhere on the planet.>
   Soran (consulting computer pad thing): Dang it! The explosion
of the Enterprise moved the energy ribbon five feet to the left!
I'm gonna have to build an extension to my platform! Can't a
villain get any peace?
<Soran sits down, on his gun. It goes off.>
   Soran: OWWWW! Where's Picard?
   Picard (offstage): Uh no, don't start the fight scene just
yet... <Soran sees Picard crawling through some rocks.>
   Soran: Aha!
<Soran shoots at Picard but misses.>
   Picard: Ha ha!
<Fight scene. Eventually Picard staggers.>
Caption and Voiceover: FINISH HIM!!
   Soran: No time! The ribbon!

<Shot of the ribbon.>

<Back to Soran. He launches the missile and runs up his ski lift. 
It begins to get dark.>
   Picard: You idiot Soran!
   Soran: Ah ha ha ha!
<The energy ribbon changes course and heads straight for Soran.
He jumps into it as it comes towards the ground.>
   Picard: Aaah! Embraced by the light! Must... write...
best-seller! <Picard is engulfed in the ribbon.>

<A fancy house. There's Christmas spirit in the air.>
   Picard: Huh? What?
<A bunch of kids run up to Picard and hug him.>
   Kid #1: Thanks for the Little Miss Borg doll, papa!
   Kid #2: I love my "Picard in Bathrobe" action figure, papa!    
   Kid #3: Help me set up my Home Pyromania Kit, papa!
   Picard: Hey, what are you doing here? I hate kids!
   Kids: Agh, he got us. Let's try to get Uncle Geordi The
Engineering Guy tickets. <Exit kids and enter a woman.>
   Woman: Hi Jean-Luc.
   Picard: Who are you?
   Woman: I'm  your wife!
   Picard: You are not! You look like Crusher on shrooms!
   Woman; Maybe I am Crusher, it's so hard to tell, the writers
are usually so blatant with their fantasy sequences.
   Picard: Aha! This is a fantasy sequence! Take me to... Soran! 
<A school auditorium. A bunch of snotty teenagers are onstage,
Soran is one of them.>
   Principal Guy: And the tenth-grade trophy for perfect
attendance goes to... SORAN!
<Applause. Soran walks up to Principal and takes a stupid
trophy.> 
   Soran: Wait a minute! This is my FANTASY?! What idiot wrote
this? <Enter Leonard.>
   Leonard: It is I!
   Soran: What are you doing here?
   Leonard: I'm the head of the writing staff. You wanted me,
here I am. 
   Soran: I hate you! I hate you for making me the bad guy! I
hate you for making me such a loser! I hate myself for being such
a loser! I hate everybody! Think I'll join a satanic rock group!
<Soran rushes Leonard but Leonard clubs him with his ponytail.
Soran falls peacefully to the floor.>
   Picard: I've seen enough. On to Kirk!

<Exterior nighttime shot of a bar called "Bob's Flesh Emporium."> 
<Interior shot of same bar. Kirk is there. Enter Picard.>
   Picard: Hey Kirk, I've heard so much about you.
   Kirk: Get out of here, you're... not female!
   Picard: You've got to help me, Elvis is in great danger!
   Kirk: Elvis? Come over here... to my... private room.
   Picard: Er... okay.
<They enter a room.>
   Kirk: Don't... mind the... toupee cleaner. Is your... life
support system... running?
   Picard: Uh, yes.
   Kirk: Then you'd... better... catch it! Ha ha! I love these...
parodies! They really give... me a... chance to let... rip...
with my humor!
   Picard: Er... our mission is very hard, we must stop a maniac
from destroying an entire solar system just to turn this energy
ribbon thing so he can jump into it! That's how I got here by the
way. 
   Kirk: You got... to Bob's... Flesh Emporium... through an
energy... ribbon?
   Picard: This isn't real, it's this place that lets you live
out your thoughts.
   Kirk: Like Vegas?
   Picard: C'mon, that was funny once.
   Kirk: Sorry. Well what... are we waiting for?
   Picard: Time has no meaning here, we can go there anytime we
want. I think we should show up just before Soran launches his
probe. 
   Kirk: Sounds... like a plan!

<The canyon.>
   Soran (consulting computer pad thing): Dang it! The explosion
of the Enterprise moved the energy ribbon five feet to the left!
I'm gonna have to build an extension to my platform! Can't a
villain get any peace?
<Soran sits down, on his gun. It goes off.>
   Soran: OWWWW! Where's Picard?
<Enter Kirk.>
   Soran: You're not Picard!
   Kirk: I'm... your worst... nightmare!
   Soran: No! Not the real final fight scene!
   Picard: I'm afraid so. You get the remote control Kirk, I'll
fight this punk!
   Kirk: I... want... the fight... scene!
   Picard: No! You've got to die!
   Kirk: OK... OK...
<Kirk runs over to the "bridge.">
   Soran: What's he doing? I'VE got the remote control!
<Kirk runs to Soran and knocks him over.>
   Soran: Oh no you don't! <He throws the remote control onto the
bridge. Kirk scampers for it.>
   Picard: Now let's have a real fight scene!
<They fight for about .1 second, then we cut to Kirk on the
bridge. Dramatic music plays.>
   Kirk: Turn... off... the... dramatic... music!
<There is a terrific landslide which smashes the bridge in half,
Kirk of course is on the end opposite the remote control.> 
   Kirk: Must... save... Elvis!

<Cut to Picard.>
   Picard: Wait a minute! If we just distract Soran for long
enough the energy ribbon will just pass us by without hurting
anything! Why do we need to get the remote control?
<Soran hits him in the face. Cut to Kirk. He jumps and manages to
hit the remote control button, the rocket appears. As he does so,
the whole shebang falls down the canyon.>
   Kirk: AAAAA... AAAAAAAH! <thud>

<Cut to Picard.>
   Picard: Ha ha! Take that!
   Soran: Agh! No!
<Picard runs over to the missile and starts taking it apart.>   
   Soran: Oh no you don't! <Holds up gun.> Back away!
<Picard does, Soran hits the LAUNCH button. Nothing happens.>  
   Soran: Curse you Picard!
   Voice From On High: No, no, it has to explode!
   Soran: Why?
   Voice: Just to kill you.
<The rocket explodes.>
   Picard: Oh my gosh! I sure hope Kirk got some camera time!
<Kirk runs over the wreckage of the bridge.>
   Picard: Kirk! Are you okay?
   Kirk: I'm dying... here... take my hairpiece... be good to
her... 
   Picard: No, no, I've come to terms with my baldness.
   Kirk: We did it... we saved Elvis Costello!
   Picard: Elvis Costello? We saved Elvis PRESLEY!
   Kirk: Nooooooo! I hate Elvis Presley! <dies>
   Picard: Oh well.
<Enter Troi.>
   Troi: Sorry captain, the Elvis story was all a hoax.
   Picard: Agh. And Kirk died a meaningless death for it!
   Troi: But it didn't HAVE to be meaningless!
   Picard: You mean we all could learn a lesson from it?
   Troi: No, I mean we could sell his organs!
   Picard: To advance science?
   Troi: To get some dough!
<Enter Soran, his clothes are blackened.>
   Soran: Oh no you don't! I killed him, I get dibs on his
corpse! I already sold him, for a rather large profit I might
add.
   Picard: Who'd you sell him to?
   Soran: Hormel.
   Picard: AAAARGH! I'm going to have to kill you just for having
such a stupid line.
<Picard shoots Soran.>
   Soran: Awk!
   Picard: Now, back to the Enterprise!
   Troi: Um, there's something you should know.

<The wreck of the Enterprise. Already there are people setting up
snack bars and selling T-shirts.>
   Riker: Well sir, we crashed, but at least your fish lives.
<Riker gives Picard his fish in a cereal bowl.>
   Picard: I'll treasure it forever, where's Data?
   Riker: He started crying and his cheeks rusted. Geordi's
taking care of him.
   Picard (waving at T-shirt people): Can't we stop these people? 
   Riker: What, and ruin our free Enterprise system?
   Picard: Oog...
<Picard bops Riker over the head with a bottle of Scotch. Enter
Scotty.>
   Scotty: Hey, that's ME Scotch thank ya very much!
<Scotty takes the Scotch and runs off with it. Riker and Picard
go to the remains of the bridge.>
   Riker: You know, I always wanted this chair.
   Picard: You can have it.
<Riker grabs the chair.>
   Riker: Thanks. 
<Enter T-shirt Guy.>
   T-shirt Guy: You can't take that, we're auctioning it off!
<Riker phasers T-shirt Guy.>
   Riker: You know, I bet this won't be the last starship to
carry the name Enterprise.
<Both turn to the camera.>
   Picard: What do you, the viewers think?
<A tomato hits the screen next to Picard.>
   Picard: Picard to Farragut, beam us up.
<They are beamed up in the spiffy new transporter effect.> 
Caption: THE END
Another Caption: OR IS IT?
Yet Another Caption: OF COURSE IT IS, STUPID.

<Starfield. As the credits roll and the writing staff runs for
the bathroom we hear the following bonus track.>

                               "Shatner Man"
(Tune: "Particle Man" by They Might Be Giants)
          Shatner man
          Shatner man
          Stars in movies as long as he can
          Wears a toupee
          Oughta be banned
          Shatner man
          Is he the fluke or is Jean-Luc?
          Does he make you want to puke?
          Or do you make him what he is instead?
          Nobody knows
          Shatner man

          Soran man
          Soran man
          Beats the crap outa Shatner man
          Squishes him up
          Sticks him in a can
          Sells him for SPAM

          Parody man
          Parody man
          Dashes off scripts as fast as he can
          Usually kind to character man
          Parody man
          He's got a show with a couple fans
          Illinois fan and a Utah fan
          He's also got groupies though he's no band
          Popular man
          Parody man

          Spiner man
          Spiner man
          Hates being Data, wants to get tan--
<Gunshot. Thud. Silence.>

==============
THE FINE PRINT
==============
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Resistance is Futile. Copyright (c) 1994 by Kym Masera Taborn.
   
"RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. The editors retain
editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted
materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever
way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders
permission. 

Editor-in-Chief: Oxnardus. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A;
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