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Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 35 December 24, 1994 ========= CONTENTS ========= BORG SINGALONG: Disrupter Blasts; Twelve Days of Klinzhai; Borg Ramming Song; I Fought the Borg (and the Borg Won) STAR TREK: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS WHAT THE ENTERPRISE-D CREW IS DOING NOW FROM RIF BBS: Help Wanted THE STAR TREK CHRISTMAS SPECIAL =================== STAR TREK SINGALONG =================== Disrupter Blasts ---------------- (Sung to the tune of Jingle Bells) Disrupter blasts, disrupter blasts, disrupting all the way. Oh what fun it is to fight, to hack and kill and slay. Disrupter blasts, disrupter blasts, disrupting all the way. Oh what fun it is to fight, to hack and kill and slay. A federation ship, I have it in my sight, I push the fighter button and what a lovely delight. HO HO HO We are a happy ship, and always at our best, especially with an enemy that puts us to a test. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! (chorus) There is a Captain Kirk, he has a mighty ship, it has this pointy eared Vulcan guy, we think he is a dip. We had them in our sight, and pulled the trigger tight, but the Vulcan and his captain they escaped into the night. POUT!!!!! (chorus) Oh the Romulans we like, because they like to fight, and they have ships like ours that can't be seen at night. But they have those pointy ears, which we think is rather queer, but unlike their Vulcan counterparts they're easier to fight. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH! (chorus) Now the borg are kind of mean, they are both man and machine, and they learned on our first rush, how to really kick our tush. But we have a master plan, and we think its rather grand, it takes some tribbles and a transporter and a little bit of sand. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! (chorus) ---Ski Doggie: Internet: j.skalicky@genie.geis.com The Twelve Days of Klinzhai --------------------------- (Abridged Version) On the 12th day of Klinzhai, my Klingon gave to me: 12 Roms for kicking, 11 Planets to plunder, 10 Ferengis trading, 9 Picards surrendering, 8 Trois a throwing things, 7 batlas a slaying, 6 Selas fumbling, FIVE CARVING KNIVES! 4 shiny instruments of death, 3 cups of prune juice, 2 foaming targs, and A tribble in Engineering! ---Pot-8-Oh: Internet: d.johnston30@genie.geis.com BORG RAMMING SONG ----------------- (sung to The Hokey Pokey) You put your left corner in... You take your left corner out... You put your left corner in, Then you turn your cube around.. You do the cube thang and then you ram another...BANG!! That's what it's all about!! --Fraclicutus I Fought the Borg ----------------- (sung to the tune of "I Fought the Law") Met a cube-shaped ship near Deneb 1, I fought the Borg and the Borg won, I fought the Borg and the Borg won. Had my phaser set on maximum stun, I fought the Borg and the Borg won, I fought the Borg and the Borg won. Fired all my photons in surprise attack, I thought that they were done -- But they regenerated and kept coming back, I fought the Borg and the Borg won, I fought the Borg and the Borg won. Went to Warp 9.9 and tried to run, I fought the Borg and the Borg won, I fought the Borg and the Borg won. Tried to get more power but I had none, I fought the Borg and the Borg won, I fought the Borg and the Borg won. Tried a suicide dive to scare them away, Right into a sun, But the ******** got me with a tractor ray, I fought the Borg and the Borg won, I fought the Borg and the Borg won. Now I'm Locutus and it ain't no fun, I fought the Borg and the Borg won, I fought the Borg and the Borg won. ---Ellen Edgerton ===================================== STAR TREK: THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS ===================================== 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the ship Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip; The phasers were hung in the armory securely, In hopes that no aliens would get up that early. The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks (Except for the few who were partying drunks); And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace, Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face... When out in the halls there arose such a racket, That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket. Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun, Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!" The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din, Gave a lustre of Hades to objects within. When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold, But a weird kind of sleigh, and some guy who looked old. But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew That we knew in a moment it had to be Q. His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came. Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name: "It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc! It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke! To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall! Now float away! Float away! Float away all!" As leaves in the autumn are whisked off the street, So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet, And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew, As the captain called out, "What the hell is this, Q?!" The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin, And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again. As we took in our plight and were looking around, The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground. Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe, Appeared once again, to continue the show. "That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!" And Riker said, "Worf! Take aim at this dunce!" "I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q, "I just want to celebrate Christmas with you." As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack. He dumped out the contents and took a step back. "I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere. There's something delightful for everyone here." He sat on the floor and dug into his pile, And handed out gifts with his most charming smile: "For Counsellor Troi, there's no need to explain. Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain. For Worf I've some mints as his breath's not too great, And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date. For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus; For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss. For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie, And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of just seeing her that way." ------Lori Martin, WildNet, Star Trek Sub ======================================== WHAT THE ENTERPRISE-D CREW IS DOING NOW ======================================== Picard: Good Evening Number One! I will take the Remote Control from here. Riker: Data have you seen the Remote Control? Data: Commander, I believe Commander LaForge last had the XR-42 RCA Remote Control. Riker: Riker to engineering. Geordi, where is the Captain's Remote Control!!! Speaker: *bleep* I'm afraid its off line. I can have the IR beam reinitialized with the energizer phase induced batteries in two hours. Riker: We will miss our link with DS9 unless we get that RC on line. Picard: Mr. Data, REPORT! Data: Star Trek Deep Space Nine will air in 4.326394 minutes. Sir, it is the Season premiere. Picard: Quick, Observations! Options! Deanna: I will get the popcorn. Data: Sir, If I may, there is a manual override on the viewsc...*cut* Worf: I suggest Phasers! Riker: We could retune the hand phasers to the upper IR band. Picard: Nonsense, I will go with Data's recommendation. Riker: Mr. Crusher, (eyeing the big nob under the RCA logo) if you would. Wesley: Sir?? Change the viewscreen by hand Picard: Make it so!! Channel 615 mark 2, ENGAGE! ---Regret: Internet: innocent@u.washington.edu ============ FROM RIF BBS ============ HELP WANTED ----------- (this was originally posted on RIF BBS in the International Borg Club Sub, 10/94) UFP Construction Workers Needed Due to the demand in the construction of new Star Fleet vessels, the United Federation of Planets is looking for you. We offer good benefits, free travel, good pay, and job security. No experience required, will train. Please send resume to Ship Construction, Admiral JT Kirk BLDG, StarFleet Command, San Franciso, Earth. --Oxnardus Ian Ivanovich Ensign CR Isis Ship Construction, Admiral JT Kirk BLDG StarFleet Command San Franciso, Earth To Whom it may concern: I am interested in your recent employment opportunities for construction workers. Having worked with, and around, the Ripley clan, I am sure I am qualified for just about any kind of work. Please forward my application to the appropriate department. Sincerely, Ian Ivanovich --Radioactivus Dear Mr. Ivanovich: Thank you for your inquiry into the UFP Construction openings. We note your affiliation with the notorious Ripley family and regret to inform you that under our current insurance agreement with Martian Mutual that we cannot employ anyone who is associated with the Ripley Family. We suggest that you go to an isolated part of the galaxy, change your identity and cease contact with the Ripleys for at least ten years before you apply again. Other than that, we find your resume and experience beyond the threshold requirements. Sincerely, UFP Contractors of Mars --Oxnardus Dear UFP Contractors of Mars: It is against Galactic Policy to discriminate against a person based on Ripley contact, (See Article 5, Section 3). I intend to seek out a lawyer and I am sure you will hear from me in the very near future. Ian Ivanovich ---Radioactivus Dear Mr. Ivanovich: After review of your file, we take exception to the fight you were a participant in during sixth grade. Other than that, however, we will reconsider your application. Please submit with 100 copies a detailed explanation and witness interviews regarding this event. UFP Construction Associates Personnel ---Oxnardus UFP Construction Associates: My dear friend Ian Ivanovich has informed me that you need witnesses for the incident that occurred during his sixth year in school. The scene went as follows: Ian was walking home from school one day when a local bully began teasing him about the giraffe that was appliqued on his ski jacket. Ian was extremely hurt by this, since his mother had sewn that while on her death bed. Ian then made a comment about the bully's cat and how he wished it dead. The bully then jumped Ian and bloodied his nose. Ian swung his clarinet case at the bully and struck him in the temple, thus rendering him unconscious. It was an act of bravery, it was. Sincerely, Douglas Prevonovich --Radioactivus Dear UFP Construction Associates; As Ian's sixth grade teacher, just let me say that we always knew he'd end up hanging around with the wrong crowd. But we continued to offer him the quality teachings here at Gangland Elementary School anyway. That incident with the giraffe was an isolated one. I personally didn't see the long necked animal and could only make out faint mumbling pertaining to such when we questioned him. Once the gravel was removed from his nostrils and the dirt clogs expelled from his mouth he seemed to breath good enough, thus removing the possibility of later complications as a result of old injuries. Since the possibility that Ian may work for you arose, we realized the ramifications of Ian leaving our home planet and decided to encourage you further. The doctor informs us that the head injury may have changed him considerably, therefore making him a desirable and unquestioning employee. Yours Truly Beula Bland-Pavlovkovich --Tricius Dear Mr. Ivanovich, How much is this job worth to you???? Vito Coreleone VP Security UFP Construction Sites Universal --Oxnardus Dear Mr. Coreleone: I have money, if that is what you are inferring. But I'd much rather use it on blondes than big hairy armed guys. Ian Ivanovich --Radioactivus Dear Mr. Ivanovich, Your loss, my gain. Vito Coreleone --Oxnardus Mr. Coreleone: My mother advises me to reconsider your offer. She also wonders if you are married and if you like horses. Ian Ivanovich --Radioactivus Mr. Ivanovich: Please remit photograph of said mother and horses. Your application is still on my desk. Mr. Coreleone V.P. UFP Contractors Universal --Oxnardus Mr. Coreleone: Enclosed is the picture of my mother, Ivanna, taken at the family picnic last summer. I told her that bikini was too risque for a family bbq, but she wouldn't listen... Uncle Mel couldn't speak for a week. Also enclosed are photos of the family herd. Ian Ianovich --Radioactivus Dear Mr. Ivanovich, The job is yours, if you want it. Please have your mother and herd report the 1st of November at the UFP headquarters in San Francisco, 9am, at my office. Vito Coreleone VP UFP Construction Universal ---Oxnardus Mr. Coreleone: I gladly accept the job you so graciously offered. Mom is already packing and the herd has never looked better. Ian Ianovich --Radioactivus And another successful hiring season concluded by UFP Construction Battalion Local 586. ---Oxnardus =============================== THE STAR TREK CHRISTMAS SPECIAL =============================== Hareware Productions insanely presents "The Star Trek Christmas Special" Not a parody of anything, per se. Announcer: 'Tis the night before Christmas, and the place that we see Is NCC-dash-1701-dash-D And, despite rerun season, the silliness grows In anticipation of specialty shows Troi's styling her hair like she's styled her brain And shouting her line 'til it drives us insane And Worf's meditating, and ing at Scotty Who's making his cameos and being quite naughty So here we all are, with the wackiest crew In the fleet, and the only one bothered by Q, And once on the ship, towards Ten-Forward we go Where the folks all unite for the big Christmas show. Guinan: Hey everybody, guess what? I'm quitting! Picard: So what, you're never at the bar anyway. Guinan: You're supposed to cry! I'm gonna make so much money off Sister Act 52 I can just retire! Thppt! Picard: How tragic. George Washington: Hello folks, I'm George Washington-- All: THE George Washington? Riker: The father of our country? Picard: The greatest military mind ever? Worf: The balding guy with the false teeth? Geordi: No, Riker's over there. Riker: Hey! These are my real teeth! George Washington: I just have the same name! No wonder I'm still an announcer after 23 years! Sheesh! Anyway, I'm George Washington, and I'll be your host tonight. We're got quite a lineup for you on this Christmas special, including Q, Wesley, and RIB himself! There's also fun and games for the whole family! Worf: Will there be little candy canes? George Washington: Yes! Worf: George Washington: And now let's go over to our co-host, Richard Nixon. Richard Nixon: Well, I am NOT a crook! Washington: Stock footage from RIB's "Rabbit, Part 2." Now that we've aroused the wrath of the mighty RIB, he should be here any minute now. We'll cut to the 304th annual Pakled Christmas Parade and bring you back here when something interesting happens. Pakled: We look for things. Other Pakled: Things that make us go "Hmm..." Washington: Well, that wasn't very interesting, so we'll bring you back to Ten-Forward, but if you liked the parade you might want to consider running for senator. Q: Hey, folks! Q here, just spreading peace on earth er space and good will towards men! And women! And Worf! And little poodles with no hair! And Micro Magic Fries! And floppy disks! And-- Washington: And here's Q! Er Q, have anything to say to your loyal fans? Q: Yes I do. Don't forget to join up for the Q Fan Club! Only $59.95 gets you a photo of me, an autographed shovel, a copy of my bestselling video, "How to be Like Q," and four issues of the Q Quarterly! Washington: Could you share some annoyance tips with us? Q: Yup. Brush after every meal. Nothing makes your enemies so mad as the fact that you brush your teeth more often than they do. It positively enrages them! Where's Picard? Washington: He went caroling. Picard: All of the other Romulans used to laugh and call him names... Riker: Touched for the very first time... Picard: Are we singing the same song? Riker: What, aren't we singing "Like a Virgin?" Picard: NO! Worf: I'm going to sing "A Klingon Christmas!" Have yourself an honorable Christmas... Kill a lot of people and use their heads For fish food! Picard: That's no Christmas carol! It doesn't even rhyme! Worf: It rhymes in Huttese! Picard: You don't even know Huttese! Worf: Well, let's ask the expert on Huttese! Picard: Oh mighty Jabba! Aid us in our hour of need! Worf: We'll have to ask the other expert on Huttese! Troi: You don't mean-- Worf: Yes! Picard: But-- Worf: I don't know! Geordi: What if-- Worf: We'll have to take that risk! Riker: Who the heck are you talking about? Worf: Chris Petree. Chris: WC! sucks! Geordi: How many people got that, do you suppose? Riker: 3. And counting. Troi: Doesn't it strike anyone as odd that nobody's opened the door yet? Picard: Computer! Open the door! Picard: Egad! Ensign Bwah has fallen victim to foul play! Troi: Or maybe it was Worf's carol. Riker: Riker to Crusher! Get a medical team down here immediately! Crusher: But I just poured this glass of eggnog! Riker: You can drink it on the way! Crusher: Deck 20! Computer: All computer functions have been redirected. All: AAAAIGH! Arthur Dent: Is there any tea on this spaceship? Scholar: It was at this point that Dr. Crusher knew she had to act quickly. She knew at once what she had to do. Loyal RHPS Fans: You have no neck! Scholar: So what? Crusher: No, but here's some eggnog. Arthur: No, that won't do at all. Doesn't have the same zing to it. Crusher: Picard! I've found why the turbolifts won't work! Picard: (over communicator) Why not? Crusher: All the computer functions are being rerouted to try and figure out how to make tea! Picard: How stupid! Just order some from the replicator! I do it all the time! Crusher: Don't bug ME with YATIs! We'll have to beam to your coordinates! Picard: But the transporters are out too! Crusher: ARGH! Geordi: We have some spare batteries for the transporters, you could use those. Crusher: We're on our way. Washington: Welcome back to Ten-Forward, where Data Claus is about to arrive! Everyone: Here comes Data Claus, here comes Data Claus. Right down Data Claus Lane, Data and Lore and Dr. Soong all look just the same If you need another part, be it major or minor No need to hire another actor, Just call ol' Brent Spiner! Data Claus: Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas. All: DATA CLAUS! Washington: Well, it appears that Data Claus has arrived! Alexander: I want a weapon of mass destruction for Christmas! Ice-T: Me too! Washington: You're not a kid! Go away! Ice-T: Well I'm an honorary Q! I can be whatever I want to be! Data: Ho ho ho. Crusher: AGH! I can't fix it! I'll have to use my secret link to Wesley! Crusher: Beverly to Wesley, do you read me? Wesley: Wesley here. Crusher: I can't change the batteries on the transporter! I need your help! Medical Team: AGH! Wesley: There, that should do it. I'll implode now if you don't mind. RIB: Thank you, thank you. I'd like to say that it's an honor to be here this evening and that my upcoming parody of "Lower Decks" will not involve you. In fact, it will not involve anything because I will soon fake my own death as a publicity stunt. All: RIB: Yes, here are all the specs and diagrams. RIB: This chart shows the trajectory of the Spam... Crusher: We've got a problem! Picard: (over communicator) What? Crusher: We don't have a decent transporter chief! In fact, we don't have ANY transporter chief! Picard: What about O'Brien? Crusher: He's on DS9! Picard: Picard to the bridge! Ensign Alwaysonthebridge, set a course for DS9! Ensign Alwaysonthebridge: The engines are down, sir! Picard: Argh! Hail DS9 and tell them to send him on a runabout! Ensign Alwaysonthebridge: Communications are down too! Picard: We'll have to make an ingenious subspace transmitter out of Geordi's VISOR! Geordi: Hey! It's the only one I've got ya know! Picard: Work with us here! Picard: DS9, do you read? DS9? Geordi: Dax: We read you. Picard: This is the Enterprise! We need O'Brien! Dax: Well sorry, but all our runabouts are busy now. Picard: Doing what? Dax: We're evacuating the station! Quark has gas! Picard: That was NOT funny! Dax: OK, OK, the real reason you can't have a runabout is because we need to really annoy you or the ending won't seem so miraculous 'cause Dr. Crusher has to save Ensign Bwah despite incredible odds. We'll have to bring the whole station to you. Picard: But we're two quadrants away! And you only have thrusters! Dax: Well, that'll make it miraculous right there. We're on our way. Picard: AGH! Riker: Say hello to Morn for me! Loyal RHPS Fans: He has no neck either! Worf: And how come we never see them together in the same place? Picard: Madness! Madness everywhere! Troi: This IS a parody ya know. Picard: What will we do? Worf: Voluntary euthenasia? Riker: WAIT! There is one more alternative! The only other transporter chief who was any good! Picard: Burt Reynolds. Riker: No. Picard: Mussolini. Riker: No. Picard: Tammy Faye Baker? Riker: No. Picard: Good. Er... Huckleberry Finn? Riker: NO! Picard: Q? Q: No! But we'll give you the consolation prize-- this BRAND NEW TOOTHBRUSH! Picard: Enough of your dental hygiene, Q! Picard: OK, OK, I give up. Who? Riker: Scotty! RIB: Within hours, RIB assassination conspiracy buffs will spring up, writing thousands of books on the subject and blaming it on everyone from the CIA to the Tooth Fairy! Then I'll reveal it was all a big crock and blackmail them out of their life savings, thus getting enough money to buy a McDonald's franchise, from which I will build a galactic empire of Micro Magic Fries! Muahahaha! RIB: Uh-oh. Riker: Step one, sacrifice a fair maiden to the mighty Engineer Gods. Picard: Maybe Worf could dress up. Troi: Hmph. Riker: Step two, chant "Me engines canna take it anymore, cap'n!" while wearing LSD-soaked bandannas until you get real high and have deranged visions of Scotty. Focus your attentions on these hallucinations and hope they become real. Congratulations! You have now summoned Scotty! Picard: Is there an alternate method? Riker: Yes. Lure him into this continuum with a bottle of Scotch. Geordi: Anybody have Scotch? Worf: Not since my inoculation. Troi: I have some! Riker: Well no wonder! She's probably got a whole liquor store in there! Troi: Picard: Here, Scottyscottyscotty! Scotty: Gimme that! Scotty: All right, what do ye want? And shouldn't ye have drawn a pentagram? Riker: Pentagram? Scotty: Ya, if you don't keep me in a pentagram I can turn against ye and kill ye. But since I'm drunk I won't. Picard: Can you beam in Crusher? Scotty: Sure, laddy. But remember, I'm drunk. Scotty: Ach, haven't handled one of these puppies for a while. Crusher: Whew! We were just about to be bored to death by Arthur's account of his journeys in the mouth of a 13-mile high statue of himself! Picard: Quickly! Ensign Bwah is dying! Crusher: ENSIGN Bwah? Picard: Er... yeah. Crusher: Forget it! I'm not going through all that trouble just for a crummy ensign who's gonna be gone after this parody anyway! Picard: Fine. Be that way. Picard: That was ingenious, convincing the computer to make Scotch instead of tea! However did you think of it? Scotty: Well, I just realized how thirsty I was. Now I'll just take that shuttlecraft ye gave me an' be on my way. Geordi: Wait a minute! Worf: Didn't we already give him-- Scotty: Muahahahaha! Announcer: The next day... Troi: Oh boy! A megaphone! HE'S HIDING SOMETHING! All: AAAAAAAAIGH! Worf: A can of Spam! Now I can perform the Klingon Spam Ceremony! And the CD of "K'nyuk'nyuk Sings!" Geordi: A sympathy date with Troi! Troi: Hey! _I_ didn't give you that! Riker: A turkey baster? What the heck am I supposed to do with a turkey baster? Geordi: Baste turkeys with it! Duh! Crusher: A nifty "He's Dead, Jim" tricorder attachment! Tricorder Attachment: He's dead, Jim! Crusher: Hahahaha, what a great joke! Picard: Car wax? Riker: Er... yeah. Picard: CAR WAX? I don't even have a car! Riker: Well I thought they meant head wax. Picard: Why you little-- Geordi: Haha, that was all just a gag to get you to appear RIB, we've got a present for you! RIB: A case of MICRO MAGIC FRIES! Just what I always wanted! Data: A lifesize replica of Lal! Worf: Yup, made out of my earwax. Data: Thank you Worf! Worf: Picard: But wait! Riker: What? Picard: We never discovered the true meaning of Christmas! Riker: Yeah we did! Picard: Where? I missed it? Riker: Well from Scotty we learned to get stone drunk, and from Q we learned the value of brushing after every meal, and from this scene we learned to give everyone silly presents! Picard: That's not the real meaning of Christmas! Riker: Oh yeah? Well what is? Picard: To eat LITTLE CANDY CANES! Worf was right all along! Geordi: I don't think it's that either. Picard: Well it's closer than Riker's guess. Announcer: And so the crew never learned the true meaning of Christmas, but the crew never learns much of anything, that's why they keep beaming all the senior officers down to hostile planets, and it's all just as well. See you soon! THE END HOPE YOU LIKED IT MORE WILL NOT BE FORTHCOMING ANYTIME SOON BECAUSE CHRISTMAS ONLY COMES ONCE A YEAR MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY HANUKKAH! FELIZ NAVIDAD! BONNE N™EL! JABBA THE HUTT IN '96! ---Leonard Richardson; internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 7: W-Z UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 7 (Sc. 31-35) STAR TREK PARODY: "Civil Depends" [Civil Defense] DS9 #53 ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail twice a month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. If you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (address given below). BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): Phone Name City ST SysOp ----------------------------------------------------------------- (805) 588-9349 Resistance is... 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