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Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 36 January 01 1995 ========= CONTENTS ========= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED NOT: Borg Music/Musicians; Why the Borg have not returned to fight the Federation STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE Part 7: W-Z UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 7 (Sc. 31-35) STAR TREK PARODY: "Civil Depends" [Civil Defense] DS9 #53 =========================== YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED NOT =========================== BORG MUSIC AND MUSICIANS ------------------------ Borg in the USA Borg Dylan Borgara Streisand Borg To Be Wild Its My Borg and I'll Cry If I Want To -=- 10 REASONS THE BORG HAVE NOT RETURNED TO FIGHT THE FEDERATION. -------------------------------------------------------------- 10. New assimilation software turned out to be vaporware; back to square one when the supplier's 0800 number was disconnected. 9. Assimilation of Locutus caused chaos as the Borg became caught up in a massive Dixon Hill adventure game craze. 8. If Earth were assimilated, the commute from Borg home planet would be a killer drive. 7. Collective Borg decided a cube was to complicated a form - awaiting building of a new pyramid ship. 6. Earth was too blue for their tastes; they were hoping for an emerald green planet, something in a teal, with tasteful lavender clouds. 5. Bidding war for exclusive appearance in Coke or Pepsi commercials too agonizing a choice... returned home to rebuild decision circuits. 4. Earth too close to the sun... would ruin their cultivated pallor. 3. They heard that Worf bragged of personally kicking their behinds if they showed their face in the sector again... began laughing for first time, haven't stopped yet. 2. $29 navigation chip failed, they now have NO idea where Earth is. Now their wandering out by the Cardassians, asking directions. 1. Wesley Crusher! ---anonymous of borg ===================================== STAR TREK TAGLINES SEEN IN CYBERSPACE ===================================== Part Seven ---------- Wa*r*nin*g,* T*ri*bb*l*es a*r*e* e*v*er*ywh*e*r* Waiter, there are monsters in my transporter * Barclay Walk softly and carry a fully charged PHASER! Warning: Klingon sex rituals are hazardous to your health. Warp 10 -- it's a law we can live with. Warp 5 ... engage. No, no, Mr. Data, more clutch! Warp 5 -- It's a law we can live with. Warp 9? I kinna do it, Captain-The modems will overheat! Was Tasha Yar the Enterprise's expert on Data entry? We all KNOW you're the daughter of the fifth house!!! We don't have to like each other. þ Riker We hit another movie! - Ensign Loser We look for taglines. Make us laugh. þ Pakled of RIME We look for things to make you mad. -- Pakled Q We replaced THEIR coffee with dilithium crystals. We Rikers are an ornery bunch. * Riker We secretly replaced the dilithium with Folger's Crystals We will crush them with the screams of toddlers - Wesley We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu. We'll try to keep the dog off your lawn.  Sisko We're about to be hit by a ship in 34 seconds....Ouch. We're lost, but we're making good time.... -Sulu We've no Warp, Captain! .. We're out of spare spark plugs Welcome to YATIsville, where continuity is a moral sin. Well, I missed you too. þ K'Ehleyr Well now you have something new to think about. * Kirk Well well - in for your shots again, Commander? þ Beverly Wesley Crusher, please report to airlock 5! Wesley Eugene Roddenberry, Sr. 8/19/21 - 10/24/91 Wesley! Yes Sir? Get OFF my bridge! Wesley's temper tantrum: "I want a new universe for Xmas" What are they doing to my ship now? * Picard What, are you out of your Vulcan mind? What do you mean, my new command is a garbage scow?? þ Riker What does it mean "Exact Change"? * Spock What does Worf need with a Starship..er..woman What I need is to mind-meld with this machine. What man doesn't like to stare once in a while? þ O'Brien What we need is a climbing song. * Picard What's up, Doc? - Ensign Bugs to Crusher When I get bored, I beam myself back and forth. þ O'Brien When I grow up, I wanna be like Riker!  Bashir When in Rome, eh? * Riker When is there going to be a ST:TNG motion picture? Huh? Where are Deep Space 1,2,3,4,5,6,7, and 8? Where there's a Will, there's a Thomas. WherE Did KLingonS leArn to CapitaLize? Who would send a probe to talk to a whale? * McCoy Why does everyone keep bringing me chocolates? - Troi Why don't the other cadets like me??? * Wesley Will the real Cmd. Riker please Stand up. Will, what the h**l are you still doing here? * Picard Will, you always seem to be after my job - Picard With all due respect....BEGONE! Sir.  Worf Worf becomes anrgy at the thought of brushing his teeth. Worf Burger: You'll get it our way and LIKE it! Worf, fire at Will! Oh, it's Henry! Fire at Henry! Worf hides for days knowing his bumps have gone flat. Worf, I'm your wife in this universe. - Lwaxanna Worf, you look like the inertial dampeners failed. Worf... The big guy that never smiles. * Beverly Worf: "Shields failing!" Picard: "Give 'em more homework" Worf: I don't steal taglines - I replicate them. Wow.. is EVERYONE from Betazed like HER? Wrong us, shall we not revenge? Yes Captain, we have entered the Q(edit) Continuum. You are dilated to 10 cm. You may now give birth. --Worf You are finished, Data. * Picard You call it genocide...I call it a day's work! - Gul Darheel (?) You could have easily been right. * Deanna You don't know what it's like in our universe! ÄÄ"Riker" You green blooded, inhuman...* McCoy You have the bridge, Number One....I have to go number two! You knew about this and didn't say anything? * Vash You lied. * Saavik | I exaggerated. * Spock You seem vaguely mammalian. Wanna go out? þ Bashir You showed admirable restraint for one so small. þ Worf You want me to take off your head? * Riker You wanted to make law... Make it a good one. * Picard You [humans] are, after all, essentially irrational. You'd be surprised how far a hug goes. * Riker You're a droid; and I'm annoyed. * Guinan You're as beautiful as I'd imagined...and more. -LaForge You're dead, Jim. You're dead, this is the afterlife -- and I'm God. - Q You're one to tell me what I can and can't sense. þ Troi You're only human. * Q You're right. I don't trust you. * Deanna You're saying our computer was day dreaming? * Riker Your alien images again shock us! Daemon Tar Your captain has nice legs. * Lwaxanna Your logic was impeccable, Captain. We are in grave danger. Your mother handled dead animal flesh!!? - Keiko to Obrien Your name...is Jim. - No, its Hooker! - Dumb Vulcan! Your past is my future. It hasn't been written yet * Picard Zetar, when the lights went out. ***THIS*TAGLINE*PROTECTED*BY*A*FORCE*FIELD*** *_?!^%$#+\)#!~ = Klingon for "Hello, dear." "Captain, we're being hailed" ===__-+- The No-Win Tagline *--=/__ *--=/__ *--=/__ -=> -XXXXXXXXXX ===__-*- XXXXXXXXXX- <=- Tholian Web Tag # of Vulcans needed to replace a bulb? Precisely 1.000000 ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= Our Story So Far: Maxwell Smart has been assigned as the Control agent on the World Crime League case. Princess Leia, and the rest of the leaders of the Rebel Alliance are headed for Earth, although Karth Gator has no proof, he senses the disturbances in the Force that tell him that Luke is in his future. Zarkov, Dale, and Flash meet up with Harry the Bigfoot, but are then captured by Ming's men. Riker, Geordi, Worf, and Data are examining the Guardian of Forever, when Guinan (placed on the planet by Q) jumps through in an attempt to put the universe right again. Meanwhile, in 1966, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, and Scotty are examining the area around White Sands, NM. Buckaroo Banzai arrives at Network 23 and picks up the World Crime League tape, and the Battlestar Galactica crew has finally installed Slartibartfast's Bistromathic Drive, but go veering out of control when they try and use it. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene 31. Exterior Shot. Outside the UN Building. The Doctor, Romana, Leela, and Adric come walking down the front steps.] DOCTOR: Well, that was helpful. ROMANA: But Doctor, he didn't even believe us. He just spent his time ogling Leela. LEELA: I do wish you had let me slit his throat, Doctor. DOCTOR: There, there, Leela, perhaps later we can blow something up for you. LEELA: Oh, thank you, Doctor. DOCTOR: As for your comments, Romana, I was being sarcastic. I can't believe that after all the time you spent with that Letterman chap, he couldn't teach you a thing about humor. ROMANA: Well, the Brigadier was a dead end wasn't he? DOCTOR: Yes and no. ROMANA: What? DOCTOR: Yes, that fellow was a dead end, but no, he wasn't the Brigadier. ROMANA: How can you be sure? DOCTOR: Well, in the first place, the Brigadier I knew was a gentleman and would never have 'ogled', as you say, Leela the way this man did, and secondly, the Brigadier was a good 80 pounds lighter the last time saw him, which was less than a month ago local time. All in all, I'd say we have a mystery on our hands. [With that, he opens the door to his TARDIS and walks in, followed by the Companions.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. TARDIS Main Control Room. Red lights are flashing and a loud siren is wailing. As the Doctor and his Companions enter they immediately cover their ears and squint. The Doctor rushes over to a control panel and switches off the alarm. He whirls on K-9.] DOCTOR: K-9! K-9: (unruffled) Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: Why didn't you shut off the alarm?! K-9: I couldn't reach it, Doctor. DOCTOR: You could have used your remote. K-9: I was running the camera with it, Doctor. DOCTOR: The camera wasn't even on us. Oh never mind, what set that blasted thing off anyway? ROMANA: Over here, Doctor. [The Doctor rushes over and is dumbfounded by what he sees.] ADRIC: What is it? ROMANA: Someone is time-travelling in the vicinity. ADRIC: But, that's impossible isn't it? ROMANA: Yes. DOCTOR: Come on, we're going. LEELA: Where? DOCTOR: White Sands, New Mexico. [He begins to move controls on the TARDIS panel.] [Scene Change. Exterior of TARDIS. The TARDIS fades out of existence.] [Scene 32. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Chekov, and Scotty stand clustered together. In the distance, a small crowd of technicians can be seen surrounding a few fancs near a makeshift runway.] SPOCK: Captain, over there, an experimental aircraft, piloted by a Steve Austin, will crash land. The pilot will survive but lose the use of both of his legs, his right arm, and his left eye. KIRK: So we have to prevent this? SPOCK: No, a government agency known only as the OSS, led by Oscar Goldman, will rebuild him, replacing his useless parts with bionic replacements vastly superior to his own human parts. He will then become a top agent for the OSS and OSS will grow and eventually become a cornerstone of Starfleet. KIRK: Well, everything seems all right now. CHEKOV: Keptin, look. [Everyone, including the camera, turns to look where Chekov is pointing. A jet plane can be seen in the distance. It is angling in for a landing.] SPOCK: That is the plane we are waiting for, Captain. [As Spock speaks, about a hundred yards from the plane, a figure appears out of nowhere and begins to plummet to the Earth. A moment later, a beam of light streaks out of the same exact nowhere and hits the plane. The right wing bursts into flames. Kirk flips open his communicator.] KIRK: Transporter Room, come in. KYLE: (over communicator) Kyle Here. KIRK: Approximately one hundred yards to the right of the crashing plane, somebody is falling. Beam them up! KIRK: (over communicator) Aye sir. [The figure continues to fall, and then is caught in the transporter effect and disappears.] SPOCK: Captain, the pilot will not survive this crash. KIRK: Spock, didn't you just say that he would. SPOCK: Yes, but he was not supposed to crash from that height. KIRK: Kyle! Beam up the pilot from that jet! KYLE: (over communicator) But I thought... Aye sir. [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Cockpit of the experimental craft. Steve Austin is doing his best not to choke to death on the smoke filling the cabin. Suddenly, the glittering transporter effect covers him and he disappears.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Medium view of the plane as it moves in for a landing. On impact with the ground, it explodes.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Kirk, et al.] KIRK: Enterprise! Five to beam up. (to Spock) I'm going to get to the bottom of this. (to Communicator) Energize! [Scene 33. Interior Shot. An office inside the UN building. The floor is carpeted with a plush-green do-jobby. As for furniture, a large, oak desk dominates the room. A high-backed, black, swivel, office chair is behind the desk. Two other, rather bland chairs are in front of the desk. A bookcase takes up most of one wall and behind the desk, a wall of windows looks out onto the park. Sitting at the desk, a rather portly gentleman, dressed in a uniform identifying him as a Brigadier General in His Majesty's Army of Britain, and a well decorated one at that, is ignoring the paperwork on his desk and twiddling his thumbs. On the bookcase, a volume titled, _A_Passage_to_India_ tilts forward, and a secret panel comprising of that section of the wall, gently swings open. Lex Luthor emerges from behind the secret door.] LEX: Otis! You Idiot! [He takes off the general's hat and hits him with it.] OTIS: Hey Boss, you remind me of Skipper when you do that. LEX: You buffoon, you've come d**n close to ruining everything. OTIS: How? I did what you told me to. I stalled them, and gave, them the brushoff saying...[He frowns in concentration.] "I'm sorry, but our forces are currently engaged in other investigations which won't be completed for at least another three months." [He smiles in satisfaction at having remembered the whole sentence, especially the big words.] LEX: Oh, Otis, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence. [Scene Change. Close-up of the Evil One from Time Bandits.] EVIL ONE: Hey! That's my line! [He lets loose a bolt of lightning from his fingertips.] Drat! Missed! [Scene Change. Back to the UN office. Lex seems unaware that a lightning bolt was just thrown at him.] LEX: What was I saying? OTIS: Something about me being free of something or other. LEX: No, before that. OTIS: Oh, you called me a buffoon and then [concentrates, staring the very limits of his memory.] You said something about me almost ruining everything. [He smiles again.] LEX: Right. And wipe that smile off your face! Now, you're here for one reason, and one reason only... OTIS: Wait, wait! It's to keep people from realizing that the Brigadier is missing until it's too late. LEX: Very good, Otis, and you nearly blew it! It's obvious that those people were friends of the REAL Brigadier. I just hope you haven't screwed anything up. Miss Tessmarket! MISS T: [running in from secret door.] Yes, Lex. LEX: Take care of this paperwork. MISS T: Ok Lex. [She scoops up some papers and exits by the secret door.] LEX: And you try not to screw up again. OTIS: Okay, Mr. Luthor, you can count on me. [Luthor stalks back into the secret passage. Otis returns to twiddling his thumbs. Fade to black.] [Scene 34. Exterior shot. The screen fills with white light as Sam Beckett makes another leap. As he recovers, he looks around to find he's in the middle of the desert, surrounded by technicians and military personnel. He looks rather out of place in a grey business suit. Before he can truly get his bearings, a plane behind him that is crash landing, explodes. He turns and rushes toward it, but is sent away by rescue fireman who are already spraying out the flames. He walks off, but not before he checks his reflection. We see that he is Oscar Goldman. As he walks off, Al appears beside him.] AL: Something's wrong here, Sam. You don't look like an Indian. SAM: I'm aware of that Al, Where am I? AL: White Sands, New Mexico, May 15, 1965. [He points off to the distance.] 100 miles and 30 years that way is Project Quantum Leap. SAM: Big deal, who am I? AL: Well, we're not sure, Ziggy says you're supposed to be an Indian on a reservation, but you're obviously not that. SAM: Well, what's the guy in the waiting room say? AL: Well, he says that he's Oscar Goldman, chairman of OSS, but that can't be right. SAM: Why not? AL: Sam! Don't you remember? OSS isn't real. It's a fictional organization from that show, ummmmm, the Six Million Dollar Man. SAM: No, I don't. AL: Well, trust me, you can't be him. I'll be back as soon as we figure out what's going on. [He steps back into his portal and disappears. Sam looks up and notices the chauffeur holding a door open and beckoning to him.] CHAUFFEUR: Where to, Mr. Goldman. SAM: [Half in, half out of the door.] Uh, home. CHAUFFEUR: Right. [He closes the door, gets in the front seat, and drives off.] [Scene 35. Interior Shot? The picture is rather blurry and moves around quite a bit. As the view clears, it molds itself into an extreme close-up of Harry's face. Then the camera jerks back.] [Camera angle change. Interior Shot. A drab, gray cell. Flash Gordon, Dale Arden, Dr. Zarkov, and Harry are here. Flash is chained to the wall, suspended from manacles by his wrists. The others are standing on their feet, but manacles dangle from their wrists as well. We see that Harry is staring into Flash's face, and Flash pulls his head back and hits it on the wall.] DALE: Flash! Are you all right? FLASH: Yeah. Where are we? ZARKOV: I don't know, Ming's men found us, knocked us out, and the next thing I knew, I woke up here. FLASH: Well, how'd you get down of the wall? DALE: Harry did it. Pulled the chains right out. FLASH: Well, uh [He motions his head at his own chains.] ZARKOV: Oh, yes, Harry, let Flash down off the wall. [Harry reaches up and pulls Flash's chains right out of the wall. Flash drops to the ground.] FLASH: Now, I think we should get out of here. [He goes to the door of the cell] Locked! I'm going to try and force it open. [He starts slamming his shoulder against the door to no avail. Harry gets interested and moves closer to watch.] (to Harry) Don't just stand there, help me you big ape! [Harry looks puzzled, shrugs, throws his weight against the door. Harry and the door fly out into the hallway.] Let's go! [They all rush into the hall.] ZARKOV: This looks like one of Ming's ships. FLASH: It looks like War Rocket Ajax, C'mon, the sky cycles are this way. [He heads down a corridor and past another cell door.] [The camera lingers on the door and moves toward the window. As it gets closer and goes through the window, we see that Harry is being held, cowering, behind an energy barrier of some kind. The camera lingers on Harry's face for just the right amount of time to bring a tear to every eye watching.] to be continued next issue... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions unwillingly presents "Civil Depends" A parody of ST:DS9's "Civil Defense" DS9 #53 Jake: Take that, evil subroutine! O'Brien: Yup, engineering is a fun job. You just delete files and lie under inoperative machinery for hours and eat donuts! Jake: All this deleting files is tiring me out. Can I lie under that inoperative machinery for a while? O'Brien: Sure. Jake: You really think we can make this place into a coffeehouse? O'Brien: Of course! We got the beatnik crowd, we got the Generation X crowd, it'll be a hit. Uh-oh, this file is tougher to delete then I thought! I'll have to get out the heavy hacking utility! O'Brien: Darn! Computer: Enter deletion access code. O'Brien: Hm... let's try "DELETE." Computer: Access denied! Enter the right password or you're really gonna get it! O'Brien: Um... er... O'Brien: No sir, don't come in here, I just flunked this password thing and now we're gonna be trapped! Sisko: Don't be ridiculous chief, I just want to take a look around! Ubble: Hey, what am I doing here? Where'd she go? Oh, recording, right. Hey Bajoran people! Can't you idiots read the sign? Ubble: That was a very naughty thing to do! I'm going to have to seal off the room just to show my displeasure! O'Brien: I TOLD you! Sisko: Agh, now we're stuck here the rest of our lives! The one day I forgot to wear my Depends! Announcer: Deep Throat Nine is brought to you by Vital Baboon Interplanetary Shampoo. When you want to pay extra for a stupid name, there's nobody better than us! Sisko: Gentlemen... no matter how many commercials we play, we must eventually deal with the problem. Ubble: Your attempt at a commercial break has failed! Surrender or we will turn on the fog machines and strobe lights and make this place a disco inferno! Sisko: Agh! No! We surrender! Ubble: We will send security down to get you. Don't try anything funny! Or people will start reading these parodies! Ubble: Attention all! Bajoran actors have gained control of a little-used set! Send security down to teach them a lesson! Kira: What the H**L is that guy doing here? Dax: It must be a holdover from the days when the parodies were stuffy. Maybe O'Brien set it off or something. Kira: Well turn it off! Gul Ubble gives me headaches! Odo: What? No! I said no! Look, my entire staff is busy searching for the man behind a series of suicides. Anyone who's trying to make the plot funny has my blessing as far as I'm concerned. I don't care. Bye mom. Now, Quark. Quark: Who, me? Odo: How many Quarks are on this station? Where did you last see Ensign Barbershop? Quark: He's an ensign! They die all the time! Odo: Answer the question, Quark. Ubble: Apparently you have incapacitated the security guards! Let me warn you, this will only make it harder on you in the long run! In exactly one minute we will introduce the patented VILLAGE-PEOPLE-13 gas into the air and you will find yourself growing Afros and wearing bell bottoms! Ah ha ha ha! Sisko: I must not grow hair! Near-baldness is the way of all ST main commander-type people! Jake! Get in that pipe and let us in that door up there! Jake: Sure thing, pop! Sisko: Great, now where are we? O'Brien: Looks like a redress. I think we're stuck here! Sisko: No we're not! We'll think of a miraculous escape! You just gotta keep a positive attitude! Jake: Look! Over there! Sisko: A door! O'Brien: Too bad it's heavily blocked! Sisko: So what, that never stopped us main characters before. Let's ram it with this mine car thing! Ubble: Unfortunately, the silly Bajoran actors have escaped the fiendish trap set for them! I assure you, this will make it harder on them. Are you bozos in Ops getting this? Good, now, I will not allow this rebellion to succeed! If neccessary, I will kill every Bajoran on this station! Offscreen Voice: You're a recording! Ubble: Shut up! I'm putting up force fields and stuff, so everybody stay out of the doorways for a second. There. That oughta show 'em! Thppt! Kira: Hey Dax! Can't you beam O'Brien and them out of there or something? Dax: No, something's blocking them. I guess the Cardassians were afraid the Bajorans would take over Ops, man the transporters, and beam their comrades out of the processing plant. It's also blocking the communicators. Garak: Hi. Dax: How'd you get in here? Garak: Oh, the wiring guys let me through the force field, I told them I really had to go bad. Where's Gul Ubble? Kira: How should I know? Sisko (exhausted): There has to be something we can do! O'Brien: Maybe if we banged real hard on the doors the door-opener guy will let us through. Sisko: Too cheesy! We must escape heroically! O'Brien: Well in that case we could blow up all these props they have scattered around in here. Jake: Oh yeah, what's this Cusinart doing in here anyway? O'Brien: That's for the movie, don't touch it. Quark: It can't be! Odo: But it is! Quark: I've got to get back to my bar! Rom can't even make change! All my profits -- gone! Odo: Ubble: Attention, my fellow stuffy people! Sadly-- Kira: Won't this guy eyer shut up? Ubble: Let me finish! Sadly, silly Bajoans have taken over this parody. If they do not concede to us, we will begin making really horrible jokes about Depends underwear! Kira: Wait a minute! He can't do that! Ubble: Cardassian officers! You have eight hours to regain control of the station! Do it, or pay the price! Kira: Duck! Dax: Duck! Ensign Lineoffire: Duck! Ensign Lineoffire: I should have listened to my grandmother and gone into advertising! Kira: Why can't the ensigns just DIE? Old Woman: Now if you go into the ensign business you'll just be shot down or eaten or something! No son, advertising's the way you want to go! Adventure! Romance! Blatant lying! Ensign Lineoffire: Ulch! Kira: It's about time! Now where were we? Bashir: Dodging that thingy! Kira: Oh yeah! Duck and cover! Kira: Gul Ubble? What are you doing here? Ubble: I'm the guest star, didn't you read the credits? I've come to see what's wrong here! It was strange, recieving a distress call from myself! Bajoran actors were trying to make these parodies silly, last I heard! Ha ha! Morn was running amok and people were calling Da Warren left and right! Hee hee! Some of the jokes approached funny! Hoo hoo! Kira: Can you get us out of here? Ubble: Only if you agree to my demands! Kira: (sigh) Let's hear 'em. Ubble: #1, declare a "Cardassian History Month" in which all Bajoran children will be taught the glories of the stuffy Cardassian Empire! #2, Allocate a 20-line "Stuffyness Corner" to the middle of each parody! #3, regular payments of Pepperidge Farms coo-- >.> Caption: CARTOON SEQUENCE Another Caption: (A JOKE) Ubble: Huhuhuh, all you have to do is, like, agree to my demands and stuff like that. Huhuhuh. Garak: Shut up buttmunch! You get us out of here! Ubble: You suck Garak! You're just, like, a tailor! Garak: You're shortsighted! Shortsighted! Yeh yeh! Heheh! Beavis: Change it! Change it! Newsreader: Mad violence rocked Deep Throat Nine-- Agh! Kira: Turn that off before somebody non-expendable gets hurt! Ubble: Okay, okay. I'll leave my demands in here and come back in half an hour. See ya. Ubble: One to transport. Energize. Ubble: Ubble to anybody, hello? Legget Miego: Look Ubble, your pathetic attempt to escape this parody has not gone unnoticed! All your command codes have been locked out and you're stuck on the station! Your incompetence at defeating the Bajoran rebellion has been noted in your permanent record and you are hereby stripped of your Medal of Audience Boredom for your acts of interestingness! Take care now. Ubble: My MAB! I earned that during my Acadamy Awards years! Kira: Great, now we've only got a few lines to stop the flow of Depends jokes! I just hope O'Brien and Sisko are making progress. O'Brien: boy, that was a great explosion! Sisko: Yup. Hopefully we're far enough away from the joke generators that if we shoot the joke-bombardment scene here it won't do too much damage. O'Brien: It's a long shot, though. Sisko: Hopefully the people in Ops are making progress. Ubble: There is no problem that cannot be solved by the proper application of Cardassian talkativeness! If I talk for long enough I can bore reality itself into doing my will! Kira: But that will be an even worse fate than suffering horrible Depends jokes! Ubble: A fair point. Let's rewire the joke shields to only repel bad jokes. Kira: We have bad joke shields? Ubble: Of course not, haven't you been reading the parody? However with enough technobabble all the readers will be in the bathroom during the Depends scene. Kira: It's a shot! Now, crosslink the ABP trunk with the LAT generators and special sauce on a sesame seed bun! O'Brien: Here it comes! Sisko: Brace yourself! < > Voices: O'Brien: Sisko: Voices: Jake: Sisko: < > Jake: Sisko: Whew! We never needed to worry at all! At the last moment the censoring system kicked in! O'Brien: I should have seen it coming. I mean how many clean jokes about Depends are there anyway? Jake: Well, have you heard the one-- Kira: Did it work? Dax: Of course not. Kira: Oh well, there's always next week. Next time, on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine... Announcer: A passion Dax cannot deny! Dax: Hi. I'm Jadzia. And I... I cannot deny this passion. People: HI, JADZIA. Announcer: A phenomenon nobody off the writing staff can comprehend! Sisko (looking at script): Dimensional dynaphase vortex WHA--?!?! Announcer: Will there actually be a parody? Or will everyone be too busy working on the TNG movie parody to bother? Find out... on the next QUANTUMLY-NONEXISTANT episode of Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! ---Leonard Richardson; internet: leonard.richardson@the-edge.com Next episode promo: A wave of unbridled stupidity sweeps the station! As problems with HP's equipment prevents Lwuxana Troi from appearing in the parody! What is behind this evil? Find out... on an ALL-NAUSEATING episode of...Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail twice a month. 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