_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 37 January 15 1995 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF STAR TREK: HARRIMAN THE LOST CAUSE UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 8 (Sc. 36-40) STAR TREK PARODY: ""FASAnation"" [Fascination] DS9 #56 =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Trilleth got married on Saturday, January 14, 1995 in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, I could not make it because I was at ANOTHER wedding in Tucson that weekend. Life is tough. Anyways, I was going to write some profound piece about people meeting and falling in love through e-mail and how electronic communications has changed the way humans will communicate forever, but this issue is already three days late; I have to drive to Visalia today; and I am more tired this morning than I was before I went to bed last night. Go figure. Other news? Radioactivus has finally moved into her new house. Tricius is still off-line. Hareware Productions has ended it's hiatus in parody production. Me? Through work I am attempting to assist a moderator develop a conference on a government board operating out of Washington D.C.; I am setting up a bbs system for the Kern County Women's Lawyer Association here in Bakersfield; I may join a breakfast club for Kern County area clergy (representing the Baha'i Faith); and, of course, I have a job where I spend one day here, another day there. I will be in Santa Barbara CA for three days in February and two weeks in L.A. in May. I can be reached at any of the addresses given at the end of the newsletter. Tine to go back to bed. 'Nite...'um, 'Day. ================================== STAR TREK: HARRIMAN THE LOST CAUSE ================================== [The Bridge of the Enterprise-B] Harriman: Yes! That bottle of 2265 caused minimal damage to our ship because we won't have shields installed till Tuesday. Kirk: Excuse me? I didn't quite get that remark. Harriman: Oh, it's nothing Captain Kirk. Kirk: Right. Harriman: Captain, I was wondering how do I become a great legendary figure such as you? McCoy: Oh great! Were in for it Jim. He's setting us up. Kirk: Quiet Bones! Let's give the young man a chance. McCoy: Well I'll prepare a hypo just in case. Harriman: I think I just received word from StarFleet. We can leave dry-dock. Kirk: Well then what are you waiting for? Tuesday? Harriman: Ha! Ha! That's funny. Spock: I believe that it was not intended as a joke Captain. Harriman: Okay. Umm (Looking at the helmsman confused.) Scotty: I'd say the new Captain is a little confused Pavel. Chekov: Vonderful. (Sarcastic.) Kirk: Well aren't you going to take us out? You do know how to do that? Harriman: Ummmmm! Yes! Helmsman take us out. Helmsman: I wish Dad was here. He could do it better than me. I might hit the dock. Kirk: What was that all about Harriman? Harriman: Oh, don't you know, our Helmsman is the daughter of Captain Sulu. Kirk: Oh I see. Helmsman: We did it! Yes! We cleared dry-dock. Reporter: Captain Kirk, how does it feel to be on the bridge of the Enterprise again? Kirk: (Looking at Harriman.) It feels scary. Reporter: Why? Kirk: I'm not at liberty to say. JUST THAN THE CREW IS ALARMED BY THE COMMUNICATIONS OFFICER CO: If I didn't know any better I say we are receiving some kind of message. Harriman: You mean it's not from StarFleet? CO: I believe I just said that sir. Harriman: Damn! It must be the Romulans looking for our hidden supply of Romulan Ale. Kirk: Captain? If you are trying to keep a secret you don't announce it to the whole bridge and to these reporters. Harriman: Sorry. Sorry.. Sorry ... Kirk: Captain get a grip. You are a StarFleet Captain. We don't break down and cry! Uhura: Sir, I decoded the message. It is a distress message from the Alruian Refugees. They say they are caught in some kind of energy wave. CO: She forced me to let her take over. Uhura: I did not! You asked me to decode this. Kirk: Shut up Ensign! Uhura happens to know what she is doing. Harriman: We can't help those people. Kirk,Scotty,Chekov,McCoy,Spock,Uhura: Why not? Harriman & Officers: Because we don't have any equipment till Tuesday! Spock: Most illogical that StarFleet would send out a vessel without equipment. Kirk: That's it! What's the matter is with you Harriman? Ever since I stepped on this ship I have seen the worst crew ever to ferry a Starship. Let alone the ENTERPRISE. Harriman: Please Captain I am sorry. Kirk: Harriman, you plot a course now for those ships or I'll tell the reporters to do a background check on you. Harriman: (Thinking to himself.) {Oh, no. If they do a background check they will find that I am just an Ensign. I never took the Kobiyashi Maru. D**n!} Of Course Captain Kirk. Helmsman, lay in a course. Helmsman: Okay. AT THE NEXUS Harriman: (WHAT DO I DO NOW....) Captain Kirk any suggestions? Kirk: No. Harriman: Captain Spock any suggestions? Spock: No. Harriman: Captain Scott any suggestions? Scotty: Yea. But ye have to wait till Tuesday to follow them. Harriman: ALL RIGHT I CONFESS I AM REALLY AN ENSIGN. I BEAT THE CAPTAIN SILLY AND TOOK HIS UNIFORM. CAPTAIN KIRK PLEASE GET US OUT OF HERE. I NEVER TOOK THE KOBIYASHI MARU. (sobs.) Kirk: I knew it! Those fools at StarFleet. They will be hearing from my lawyer. Spock, go get them. Harriman: I don't want to be a Starfleet Captain. (Sings.) Kirk: That's okay you're going to be a court martial. (Kirk sings back.) Scotty: I got an idea Captain... Anti-Matter. Create an anti matter blast and not only will we be able to free our ship from the nexus but we can produce such an effect that those (Explosion of the first transport.) Kirk: Good plan but right now let's get in close and transport those other Alurians to the Sick-Bay. McCoy go there. MOMENTS LATER: IN SICK BAY SORAN: THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.... THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME.... Chekov: Yeah I know how you feel sir but your safe now. SORAN: Toto, is that you? Chekov: No, I'm Commander Pavel Chekov. SORAN: Wait a minute I want to go back. No! Send me back. McCoy: Another hypo please! SORAN: No!!! TIME IS---- (McCoy doesn't wait for the hypo he simply knocks Soran out with a good right. McCoy: There! That ought to do it. KIRK RACING TO SAVE THE ENTERPRISE B Kirk: I should have never retired. I should have been in command of this ship. I could have made a difference. StarFleet Admiral Berman. I liked Cartwright better. At least Cartwright was just a plain traitor; he was not a complete idiot like Berman. Spock: Captain hurry. We have 26 seconds left before we lose the hull. Kirk: Spock I'm working as fast as I can. There! Go Spock go! THE ENTERPRISE FIRES IT'S DEFLECTOR DISH. Spock: Oh God!!! Kirk, you were left alone. Scott: D**n. Harriman: Yep! There goes a fine Captain. McCoy: Yeah you. (Pushes Harriman out of the protective barrier. Harriman dies instantly.) Spock: Humor... (Begins to laugh for the first time.) Ha. Ha. McCoy: Like I always said: "We'll make a human out of you yet. 78 Years later.... Now that's another story..... ---MITCH HOLZMAN Internet:A013735T@BCFREENET.SEFLIN.LIB.FL.US ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= [Scene 36. Exterior Shot. Planet of the Guardian of Forever. Riker, Data, and LaForge are preparing to enter the Guardian to retrieve Guinan from the past.] RIKER: I'm sorry, Lieutenant Worf, but this is a covert mission. The appearance of a member of a previously unknown alien race would prevent us from blending in. WORF: Captain Kirk always used to let Spock go with him. RIKER: Spock didn't have a cranial ridge. [Taps his communicator.] Riker to Enterprise. PICARD: (over Communicator) Go ahead, Number One. RIKER: We are now ready to enter the Guardian of Forever. GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever.... WORF: Oh, shut up! PICARD: (over Communicator) Riker, are you sure you want to do this. RIKER: [Smiles.] Yes sir, [looks at Data and Geordi] We're ready. PICARD: (over Communicator) OK, Number One, be careful. TROI: (over Communicator) Good luck, Will. [Riker, Data, and LaForge line up parallel to the Guardian. Data is watching his Tri-Corder. Worf goes and sits on a rock and sulks.] DATA: Now! [They run together and jump into the circle, and disappear.] GUARDIAN: I am the Guardian of Forever. Many such journeys are possible. [Suddenly, something clicks in Worf's mind. He gets up, brushes himself off and stares at the Guardian. With great speed, he runs toward it.] WORF: Banzai! [He jumps through the Guardian and disappears.] [Fade to black.] [Scene 37. Interior Shot. Oscar Goldman's office at OSS Research Headquarters. It's a rather ordinary office, desk, plant, window, chair, the usual. Sam Beckett is here, pacing the floor. Al appears.] SAM: Al! Where have you been? It's three hours into the leap and I'm still not even sure who I am? AL: Sam. You aren't going to like this. You better sit down. SAM: [Sits down.] Ok, Al, Who am I? AL: [Walks over to stand in the middle of the desk. Only his torso and head can be seen now.] You are Oscar Goldman, chairman of OSS. SAM: But, Al, just three hours ago, you told me that was impossible. AL: Well, Ziggy says you are caught in a multiple solipsismal envelope doo-hickey. A lot of pseudo-scientific jargon has been spewing out of her terminal for over an hour! Anyway, Ziggy says there's an 88.4% chance that you have to help this Doctor guy fix this mess. SAM: What mess, and is it absolutely necessary for you to stand in the middle of the desk like that? AL: Yes. SAM: Why? AL: To falsely increase the special effects budget. SAM: [Heavy sigh.] What mess? AL: Huh? Oh, yeah, you see, what seems to have happened is that for some reason, certain works of science fiction have suddenly become part of actual history. SAM: Why? AL: We're working on that, but the most consistent criteria seems to be humorous effect. SAM: Huh? AL: Like that exchange we had a couple of minutes ago about me standing in the desk. Normally we wouldn't even mention it, but today, we had a silly argument that didn't even make sense. SAM: That was humor? AL: I didn't say it was good humor. [Al looks up to see a Good Humor Ice Cream Truck floating by the window. He shakes his head.] Anyway, all these different fictional universes are getting all jumbled together and this Doctor person, whoever he is, is going to need your help fixing it. SAM: Doctor who though? AL: That's what we keep asking Ziggy. SAM: And what does he say? AL: 'Exactly.' SAM: Dr Exactly? AL: No, no, Dr. Who. SAM: That was my question. AL: Exactly. SAM: So I have to find Dr. Exactly. AL: No, no, Sam cut it out! SAM: Cut what out? AL: You were falling into an old Abbott & Costello routine. SAM: [Smiles.] I was, wasn't I? AL: Yes, and it was sickening. You have to be careful of that sort of thing. Indications are you are in a huge parody, and you have to set things right, from the inside. This is going to be one tough leap. SAM: You said it. See what you can dig up about this Doctor guy. AL: Ok, but it'll be slow going. SAM: How so? AL: About fifteen minutes ago, this weird guy in a bathrobe walked in the door. He slapped Gooshie's pet fly, Agrajag, and asked for a spot of tea. SAM: Then what happened? AL: He left! But Ziggy's going nuts trying to figure out why anyone would want to drink dried leaves seeped in hot water. [He pushes some buttons on his control and steps into the portal.] Bye Sam. SAM: Bye, Al. [He hangs his head.] [Scene 38. Interior Shot. A mechanic's garage. The camera pans slowly around the room taking in every little detail. It passes over tool kits, socket wrenches, battery chargers, etc.... Outside the window, a yellow pickup with purple lettering identifies the place as 'Biff's Automotive Detailing' shop.] [As the camera passes a radio, a burly hand turns it on an oldies station. The camera passes over a calendar featuring scantily clad women holding power tools. It passes by, then quickly goes back to linger a moment longer. Finally, we see a car, but not all at once. First we see the same hand polishing the fender, it moves up the length of the car to the door handle and opens the door. The view switches quickly here, rather than panning around. The car door closes, the head light switch is pulled on, it is pushed off again, the windshield wiper knob is turned, the wipers go back and forth, the figure seated in the driver's seat holds up a key.] [Close up of the key. Sunlight reflects off the jagged surface.] [Close up of the ignition as the key is inserted. The key is turned and the engine roars to life. Every dial immediately goes to its maximum reading. The garage door opens, and Spin drives the car out of the garage.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside Biff's Automotive Detailing. The garage door is open and a 1977 Plymouth Volare Station Wagon (guess what kind of car the author drives) is pulling out of the garage.] SPIN: Hey Marty! Check it out! MARTY: (pretending to be impressed) Hey Spin! Where'd you get this? SPIN: I built it out of some wreckage I found by the railroad tracks. MARTY: Hm. SPIN: It took me weeks to get it together, the only thing is I can't get the radio to work. MARTY: Well, let me take a look at it. SPIN: Ok. [Marty walks around the car as Spin pulls his head in the window. Close up of Marty's face as he walks to the passenger side, gets in the car, and bends to look at the radio. His mood is cheerful throughout until he sees the radio, when he stops mid-whistle and his expression becomes one of shock. The camera angle changes to show the keypad from the DeLorean Time Machine. Marty quickly looks around for the flux capacitor but doesn't see it.] MARTY: Uh, Spin, I need to, uh, check the wiring under the hood. SPIN: Sure, then I can show you the funky carburetor it has. [He pops the hood and the both get out.] [Marty and Spin walk to the front of the car, as Kip props open the hood, On the distributor cap is the flux capacitor, and it's fluxing. Mounted right next to it is Mr. Fusion.] MARTY: Spin! Where did you say you got these parts? SPIN: Near the railroad tracks, by Eastwood ravine. MARTY: Great Scott! [He gropes back to a wall and collapses to the ground.] SPIN: [Rushes over.] Marty, what is it? MARTY: You built Doc's time machine, into a Volare?! SPIN: Whoa! That's heavy. [Scene 39. Interior Shot. Oscar Goldman's Apartment. Sam is making a pot of tea. He reaches over to the pot and burns his hand over the steam.] SAM: Ow! That hurt! [A swoop noise is heard.] MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Maybe I can help? SAM: Who are you? MIDDLE-AGED MAN: I'm Middle-Aged Man! Aaaaah! [Scene Change. Middle-Aged Man running down a suburban street.] CHORUS: Middle-Aged Maaaan! Middle-Aged Maaaan! With Powers and Knowledge that are far beyond younger man, Middle-Aged Maaaan! Caught between forty and fifty-five Accruing more interest, but losing his sex drive. Developing skills and a gut. Middle-Aged Maaaan! [Scene Change. Original Scene 39.] MIDDLE-AGED MAN: I can help with that burn. Hey! What are you looking at? You're looking at my gut aren't you? [Sam begins to protest.] Well, I'm working on it! Now, just run that hand under cold water and wrap it in a wet towel. You'll be all right. SAM: Uh, thank you. Are you a Doctor? MIDDLE-AGED MAN: No, just a regular guy with lots of common sense. [Sam runs his hand under the sink.] MIDDLE-AGED MAN: Well, I have to go now. [He swoops out.] [Fade to black.] [Scene 40. Interior Shot. A large convention hall. Along three walls, tables piled with Star Trek and other science fiction memorabilia abound. Crowds upon crowds of people mill about looking at various exhibits. Some of them are wearing Starfleet uniforms, both old & new. Some have Vulcan ears on. Most of them are babbling excitedly. One is pointedly dressed as Worf in traditional Klingon Battle Armor. On closer examination, we see that it is Worf in traditional Klingon Battle Armor. He walks around sneering, and attracting quite a crowd. Little kids gather at his feet, asking him to say "Good Tea, Nice House." He walks up to a refreshment counter.] REFRESHMENT DEALER: Hey! Great costume friend! What can I get you? WORF: Do you have any prune juice? [The crowd around him goes wild. Yells of 'Oh Man' and 'That's Perfect' can be heard. Worf looks around and sneers. The dealer pulls out a glass of prune juice and hands it to Worf. Worf downs it in one gulp and walks off.] [During Worf's absence, Wesley Crusher is now in charge of Security, leaving Will Robertson in Wesley's old job.] Will: Sir, there's a big box heading for us. Picard: Dr Who? Will: No sir, the Borg! Picard: Riker to the bridge! Wesley: But sir, he's on the bridge. Picard: I *know* that Wesley. Wesley: But sir, why would you say... Data: Shut up Wesley. (Everyone looks at Data. Picard: What do you suggest number one? Riker: Lets hit them with our new secret weapon Picard: Good Idea number one. Will, fire when ready. (camera goes to will) [Nothing happens] Picard: Will! Riker: Yes sir? Picard: Not you, Will Robertson. Will: Yes sir? Picard: Fire at will. Will: But sir, why would I try to kill myself? Picard: Push that red button, and that blinking one, and that thing..NOW! [As the Enterprise fires, so does the Borg, causing a massive disturbance is the space-time lines and brilliant fx displays as both ships hit a spot in the middle of the two ships, which of course brings in an old outdated Enterprise.] Bones: D*mm*t Jim, why do these things always happen to us? If you asked me, I think we should... Kirk: No one asked you Bones. *Spock* where are we. Spock: We are in the future captain. (Everyone looks at Kirk.) Kirk: Well, I knew that. Borg: You are in our way. You shall become obsolete in the new order. Kirk: Who are you, show yourselves [The borg appear on screen.] Kirk: I *hate* computers Borg: Resistance is futile. Kirk: I still hate computers Borg: Facts are irrelevant Kirk: But, but, a fact, If facts are irrelevant, then your irrelevant, because you are here, you are irrelevant. [The borg are overfilled with a deadly weapon called emotion, and they go crazy and run into a sun. (All 17 ships)] Picard: Why didn't we ever think of that? Data: You never asked Sir. Picard: You there, I am Captain.... [A bright fx flash, the crew of the old enterprise is now on the new enterprise.] Spock: This is highly illogical.. Bones: Your highly illogical, I still have some of your marbles from that damn mind thing.... Spock: At least you can say you have a brain now, good doctor. Kirk: That's enough, both of you. Data: Sir, the probability of this kind of a time space line vortex event is outstanding. Close to 100000000000000000009.574829365847 Bones: D*mm*t Jim, he's worse than the vulcan. Spock: ...04756849566453.. Data: ...291. Wesley: Is that to one? (everyone ignores Wesley.) Q: Hi guys, who's in charge here? Kirk/Picard/Wesley: I am Q: That's what I thought. Picard: Go away Q Kirk: No, stay, I like him. Picard: I WANT THAT *THING* (CAMERA SHIFTS TO OLD ENTERPRISE) BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM. NOW Q!!! [A bright flash occurs.] Scotty: Ah, were back captain. Captain? [Picard and Data are now on the old ship, in the past.] Picard: (pointing to Bones), Get me starfle... Bones: What am I, a Doctor or a messenger boy? Picard: You will do as I say Bones: D*MM*T PICARD, I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A MESSENGER BOY. GET THEM YOURSELF. Sulu: I agree with Bones. Data: So do I sir, you see... Picard: That's enough, Data. [Camera shifts to the new ship. (Spock and Kirk are on the new ship)] Riker: (Look of amazement) hey, how did you past that test anyway? Spock: He took various factors which were... Kirk: I cheated. Mr. Q ...my ship... Q: This is your ship now, lets see if Picard can figure this one out.. Ha Ha Ha, (and Q dissapears) Nameless Character who will probably get killed: Sir, a ship is approaching. Riker: on screen. Ship: you are on neutral territory, leave immediately. Kirk: But it's neutral... [The ship switches to on screen, looks at Kirk, freak out, and leave.] Riker: I think we will get along well together sir. Kirk: I do too Will.. Riker: I have a lot to show you. We have this room, where thing seem so real, come I'll show you how the *men* relax. Kirk: This just keeps on getting better and better Wesley: Can I come? Kirk/Riker: NO. Riker: Spock, are you going with us? (Spock has a funny look on his face) Kirk: Spock, *Spock* come on. Spock: I don't know captain. Wesley: Can I take his place Kirk/Riker: NO!!!!!! Spock: Wesley, shut up. Riker: Gee, that must be contagious. continued next issue... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions mistakenly presents "FASAnation" A parody of ST:DT9's "Fascination" DS9 #56 O'Brien: Hi there! Molly: BLEARGH! Keiko: I've taught her to spew on command! O'Brien: Why'd you tell her to spew on me? Keiko: I thought you'd be PROUD! O'Brien: _I_ thought the writers couldn't think of anything more nauseating than our romantic scenes, I had to open my big mouth! Ooh, my head hurts. Start the opening sequence, I can't take it anymore. Epicac Guy: You need 24-hour Epicac! O'Brien: Ha! I know you're really Ross Perot! Epicac Guy: Announcer: Deep Throat 9 is brought to you by 7-Sideways and Fleavi's 501 jeans, for a grand total of 517. They go on to meet Earth 2, sponsored by Mornula 401 and WC-40, in the finals. Odo: I usually drop by Quark's a few times a day, just to make him think I care about what he's doing. That guy's so incompetent he couldn't steal second base! Sisko: Odo, have you seen my baseball program? Odo: Can't you see I'm talking to this lackey guy? Sisko: Sorry. Odo: And make sure nobody mentions the ultra-secret script. Lackey: What ultra-secret script? Odo: It's not for you to know. I've got to go to the Fraternity Festival thing they're having on the Promenade. Voice #1: Whoa! Whoa! What happened? Voice #2: Something in the guest star generator blew. We'll skip to the next scene and I'll try to find out what's wrong. Bugeyes: I can't believe Kai Whine made me her chief speechwriter! Kira: Why, don't you think you're qualified? Bugeyes: Well, I just think it was really dumb. I mean, listen to this speech I wrote for her to give at the Kenny G concert last night. My fellow Bajorans, I'm not paying attention to what I'm saying at all. I'm just looking at the teleprompter. I'm really thinking about that bodyguard I've got, the one with the big-- Kira: And she read it? Bugeyes: Yup. Lucky for her everyone was in the mosh pit and wasn't paying attention either. Kira: Well let's stop this pointless scene and go to the festival. I have the honor of burning the first CD. Keiko: Oh, the pain! O'Brien: Are you still feeling those subplot pangs? Keiko: Yes, now that I'm back to only being in one scene per episode I feel a lot better. That four weeks of not being on the show at all helped a lot. O'Brien: Well we gotta get to the festival, how about wearing that red dress? Keiko: I don't have a red dress! I don't have any dresses! They only let me take one suitcase when we moved here, REMEMBER? O'Brien: Fine, we'll go to Garak's, get you a dress, just don't get out the whip! AAAH! Keiko: I should have listened to my mother and married a donut. Kira: And now a sincere to-- stop the gong banging! Kira: Thank you. It is also a sincere pleasure to kick off the 26-hour Frat Party, Festival, sorry, by burning this AC/DC album! Kira: For the next 26 hours we will celebrate our right to burn music that we think sucks, and also to get drunk and act like idiots! Let's get started! Voice #1: It happened again! Voice #2: It seems to happen whenever we're about to show Lwuxana Troi. Her dialogue generator might be screwed up, we haven't used itfor almost a year. I'll look it up in the Silly Trek Technical Manual (tm). Hit the commercial button for me, would ya? Jake: Hey there's Kira... Nerys, wanna go out with me? Kira: Not now Jake, I'm busy. Jake: But I need you! I long to hear your loud voice! Kira: Go hit on Ro or something, I'm busy! Jake: Shout at me like that again! Kira: (very quietly) Jake. Leave. Dax: Gee Morn, I had no idea you hated Offspring! Although I can understand why... Morn: (says nothing) Dax: Well, better get ready for that party at Sisko's. Bugeyes: Oh Dax! I only wish I had such a generous friend as you! Such a... calm friend! Such a... long-haired friend! Dax: Stop drooling, you're ruining my spot makeup! Bugeyes: A thousand pardons! Two thousand! How can I ever repay you? Dax: By getting out of shot! Bugeyes: Anything for you! Dax: Yeesh! Q: Not even _I_ can figure out what these songs are about! Well, they're demonic anyway! Picard: Enough of your record-burning, Q! Quark: Get your latinum-plated flamethrowers! Autographed by Kai Whine herself, and suitable for destroying all sorts of stuff that gets in your way! Get them while you can, they're sure to become collector's items! Only 230,000 bars of latinum! As seen in DOOM! Kid: Go to a convention old man! Quark: Pyromania has never been so easy! Buy! Buy! O'Brien: You know, I haven't sat here since you've been gone. Keiko: That's so sweet! O'Brien: Well not really, my rear's been sore ever since I slid down the reactor core. Keiko: Why'd you do that? O'Brien: Turbolifts were down. Sisko: Where you going boy? Jake: Have you seen Nerys? Sisko: Yeah, she's like this tall-- Jake: Where is she? Sisko: Why do you care? Jake: I'm in love with her! Sisko: What about that Dabo girl? Jake: She's a slut! Nerys has higher moral standards, you know I find that attractive! Sisko: Kira's annoying! And she shouts a lot! She doesn't laugh at any of my jokes! Quark: May I suggest a compromise? Sisko: What? Quark: Buy a drink! Sisko: You're a lot of help. Quark: Yes, I'm the real evil in this episode, spreading contention wherever I go! Quark: Shut up Morn. Bugeyes: Dax! Dax! Dax: Bug off Bugeyes, I'm not interested! In fact I've got to go try to seduce Sisko right now! Bugeyes: I will catch you! Dax: Ha... jump cut! Dax: Ha! I showed him! Sisko: What? Dax: Nothing. Look, we've got a couple hours before your party, how 'bout we do something that not even FOX will let us show on camera? Sisko: What's wrong with you old man? Dax: Nothing. Wait a minute. Dax: What the HECK is a seductive mumble? Leonard: It's kind of a... well, mmm. Mmmmm. I dunno, like you just tasted some really good ice cream or something. Mmmm. Dax: Mmm. Mmmm. Mmmm. Mmmmmmm. I can't do it. Leonard: Here. Dax: Mmmmmm. Sisko: Awk! Help! Commercial! Bashir: Well, for some reason none of my technobabble equipment is working so I can't analyze Dax, however this plotline was used in both the other Silly Trek shows, and I don't think even our writers are dumb enough to pull the same thing three times. Sisko: Yeah, but maybe they want us to think that! Bashir: It's confusing all right. Hopefully we'll figure it out at the last minute like we usually do. Voice #1: I thought you fixed it! Voice #2: I'm working on it! Scotty's Voice: I need more time sir! Voice #1: Scotty? What are you doing here? Voice #2: I figured we could use his help. Voice #1: He better hurry, we're running out of parody and the readers want Lwuxana! Dax: Stop breathing down my neck! Bugeyes: Your pancreas! It's so... beautiful! Dax: Trills don't have pancrei! Bugeyes: What's a pancrei? Dax: The plural of pancreas. Bugeyes: It is not! Dax: It is! Bugeyes: You wanna fight about it? Sisko: Stop fighting you two! Bugeyes: Step aside Sisko, this doesn't concern you! Sisko: Nevah! Bugeyes: You insult my honor! I challenge you to a duel! Kira: People are acting very strangely today. It's almost like there was some kind of virus taking over our minds and making us act like idiots! Bashir: Yes, and none of our gadgets work either! Could the two plots be connected? Kira: Find out... when Deep Throat Nine continues! Ensign Doomed: Tiffany records at ten yards! Dax: He was starting to annoy me. Sisko: He's always annoyed me. Bashir: (pant, pant) Sir! I figured out why we're all acting so mushy! Sisko: Why? Bashir: Because of HER! Voice #1: DARNIT! Voice #2: I don't get it, the tech manual says to just jiggle the wires and it'll work fine! Voice #1: Well let's turn on the video so they'll have to pay us for having cameos. Techie #2: All right, who slipped a FASA manual in here? No wonder we couldn't fix the guest star generator! Techie #1: This also explains why the characters were acting so screwy and nothing was working. Where's the real technical manual? Nog: I've got it. Techie #2: Well give it back! That was NOT funny! Nog: Okay. Techie #2: All right, let's see... Characterization, Medical Gizmos... here we go, Plot Devices. Guest stars... guest stars. Okay. Hey Scotty, jiggle the wires! Lwuxana: Well it's about TIME! Where's Odo? Bashir: I don't care much for this Jell-O. Odo: Thanks for covering for me. Bashir: Well since we're all back to normal, let's party! Dax: I didn't know you could dance, Morn! Next time, on Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine... Announcer: It's a rerun! But it's a rerun we haven't parodied yet! Will we bother? Find out, on the next POSSIBLE episode of Silly Trek: Deep Throat Nine! Drive safely, folks! ---leonard.richardson@the-edge.com =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 9 (Sc. 41-50) STAR TREK PARODY: "Past Pants Pt 1" [Past Tense Part 1] DS9 #57 ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== SUBSCRIPTION SERVICE & LISTING OF RIF DISTRIBUTION SITES If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail twice a month. Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. If you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (address given below). 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