_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 39 March 01 1995 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Web Site News UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 10 (Sc. 46-50) STAR TREK PARODY: "Hairtaker 1" [The Caretaker 1] STV 101 The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== WE HAVE A WEB SITE!!! WE HAVE A WEB SITE!!! It is under construction and eventually will have all back issues of RIF on display along with the current released issue...we are still looking for a permanent ftp site. The Web address is: http://www.cs.indiana.edu/hyplan/awooldri.html. Once on that page go immediately to the Borg Home Page, and look for Resistance is Futile Netzine!!! The page is filled with all sorts of Borgstalgia! Come on down and visit. We preempt "Past Pants Part 2" to bring you a parody of the premiere episode of Star Trek Voyager. This parody will be ran over two issues. But do not PANIC. There will be a special Naw- Ruz edition of "Resistance is Futile" Netzine commemorating the Baha'i New Year on March 21, 1995. Therefore the exciting conclusion to "Hairtaker Part 1" will be released on or about March 21, 1995. "Past Pants Part 2" will be released in the April issue. A thousand pardons for releasing this issue sooooo late (already ten days while I am writing this). My disk drive died and deeply affected my editing set-up. However, I am now running off a jerry-rigged 5.25" floppy so I can get this issue out before the next one is due out. I have decided to do another round of sending out back issues through Internet e-mail. I will be starting from the latest issues to the earliest. If you require or desire any RIF back issues, please e-mail me ASAP to add your name to the mailing queue. Do not forget to indicate which issues you would like to have sent to you. Back issues of RIF are always available at RIF BBS, 24hrs, 14,400bps and lower at (805) 588-9449 or at the other fine BBSes listed in a current issue of Resistance is Futile. Also in the works are ftp and Web addresses for RIF Netzine. If you are having difficulties downloading or locating back issues of RIF, you can mail a self-addressed stamped legal sized envelope (enough postage to cover 1 oz. to the address on the envelope) with a blank 3.5 formatted floppy (only for PCs) to RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308. You will receive all the RIFs released thus far PLUS more parodies and Star Trek files in order to fill the disk. Thank you for your interest in our fanzine. For without you and your support, we would look rather silly. --Oxnardus ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ============================================================== [Scene 46. Interior Shot. Bridge of a Romulan Bird of Prey. The emergency lighting is on and many of the screens show nothing but static. There are two chairs at the front of the bridge, which are positioned behind a control console. Other stations are positioned around the fringe of the bridge. Romulans are sitting or standing at all of the stations, yet it is obvious that the two at the front of the bridge are the most important. The main viewscreen shows a tactical display of the planet Earth, the Enterprise, and the Romulan craft all in fairly stationary positions, relative to each other anyway. Although all three are rotating. One of the Romulans at the front speaks.] SUB-CMDR TANALAK: I think we can safely assume that the native planetary scanning devices cannot get through our deflector screen. CMDR SATEEN: Yes, but the Enterprise most assuredly knows our location. Engineering report! ENGINEERING COMMANDER: (over intercom) Aye Commander, what would ye be likin' to know now? SATEEN: (through gritted teeth) When will the Dilithium banks be recharged. ENG CMDR: Well, now, I couldn't be sayin' now, could I? It's not like it's ever been done before, has it? SATEEN: What is your best Estimate, *Commander*! ENG CMDR: Well, I'd have to say not less than 16 hours, Commander. SATEEN: Fine! Sateen out. [Turns to Tanalak] Where did we get him? TANALAK: I believe our Chief Engineer had just finished a tour in the intelligence services. A field operative in the Federation, I think. SATEEN: I wish he had taken the time to lose his accent, it grates on the nerves. [A Sub-Unit Officer turns in his chair to report an anomaly.] SUB-UNIT OFFICER: Commander, we are detecting more ships approaching the system! SATEEN: From where?!? SUB-UNIT OFFICER: As before, they have appeared from seemingly nowhere, although their general orientation would indicate an origin beyond the edge of the galaxy. SATEEN: D*mn! Where are these ships coming from? SUB-UNIT OFFICER: Uh, Commander, there are quite a few ships approaching. SATEEN: What? How many? SUB-UNIT OFFICER: Several Hundred, Commander. SATEEN: On screen! [The tactical display dissolves into a view of the Star Wars Imperial Fleet approaching.] SUB-UNIT OFFICER: This group appeared at the systems Oort cloud and is approaching quite slowly. SATEEN: (under his breath) I hate to do this. (out loud) Engineering! ENG CMDR: Aye, sir. SATEEN: When will impulse engines be available? ENG CMDR: Ye can have 'em right now, Commander. SATEEN: Thank you, Engineer. Out. Impulse Engines. Engage. Set course for the incoming fleet. SUB-UNIT OFFICER: Aye, sir. TANALAK: What are you going to do? SATEEN: Surrender the planet to them. TANALAK: But, it is not our planet... SATEEN: [smiles evilly] They don't know that, do they? Engage. [Scene 47. Interior Shot. Briefing room of GI Joe Headquarters. Standing at the front of the room are General Hawk, Duke, Sgt. Slaughter & Snake Eyes. Pretty much the rest of the Joe Team are standing at attention, facing them. General Hawk speaks.] HAWK: Men, we've got a new opponent around. Cobra has joined forces with eight other criminal and terrorist groups to form what they call a World Crime League. DUKE: The leaders of this league announced their existence to the world in a pre-taped news broadcast at 0900 yesterday morning. This broadcast followed a wave of ruthless criminal and terrorist activities, worldwide. We've been given a new mandate by the President. It is now our mission to stop and disband this World Crime League. To do this we... [An alarm klaxon sounds, red lights flash, Snake Eyes runs to a computer console and displays a view of the outside on a screen.] SERGEANT SLAUGHTER: Intruder in the compound! Battlestations! [Everyone in the room scatters. The camera moves into focus on the telescreen. We see World Watch One come screeching into the main view of the camera. As it comes to a halt, four teenage mutant ninja turtles leap out, as well as a few members of the Hong Kong Cavaliers. As the first members of the Joe team begin to attack, the people from World Watch One fight back. After a few minutes, Buckaroo Banzai gets on the roof of the van and fires an uzi into the air, attracting everyone's attention.] BUCKAROO: Hold It! [Everyone stops fighting.] We're here to get help, remember? [He steps down to the ground.] General Hawk? HAWK: Here! BUCKAROO: I'm Buckaroo Banzai, and we've got a problem. [Fade to black.] [Scene 48. Exterior Shot. The streets of Washington, D.C. A red MG drives by and the camera follows as it weaves through traffic. In the driver's seat is a gentleman in a three piece suit. Sitting next to him is a woman in her mid-30's, long hair flowing in the wind, and wearing a semi-hip flowerprint outfit. Another man sits stiffly in the 'back seat'. His perfectly combed hair is not affected by the wind. His facial expression does not change from the bland, straight ahead look he wears. The car weaves through traffic, passing a few monuments just so we can be sure it is our nation's capital. It passes a police car which is parking, and which rams into three garbage cans. The MG continues on and drives into a parked moving van. The three people--Maxwell Smart, Agent 99, and Hymie--get out of the MG and move to the front of the van.] HYMIE: What are we doing here, Max? MAX: Hymie, this is the secret entrance to Control's Secret Laboratory. Just beneath our feet, today's top scientists are working to defeat KAOS. 99: How can they put the entrance to Control's Lab in a moving van? MAX: Because, 99, a Yugo would be too small. Actually, it's not always a moving van, sometimes it's a diaper delivery service truck, or a UPS van. [He stoops to knock on the floor of the van.] Now, where is that panel. Ah. [He taps on the floor--dum, da da da dum, (Shave and a haircut) Suddenly, Roger Rabbit appears out of nowhere.] ROGER: Two Bits! MAX: Wrong Panel. [He bends down again, and taps again. This time two taps are returned and the panel opens. A man dressed similarly to Max pokes his head through.] Agent 44, how are you? 44: Just fine, come on in, Max. [The four of them descend through the hole.] [Scene change. Interior Shot. A small chamber. A ladder leads up and a steel door is to the left. Five people are here--Max, Agent 44, Agent 99, Hymie, and a guy wearing clown makeup.] MAX: (whispers to 44) How is he today? 44: (whispers back) OK, he's a bit irrational, but mostly constant. Say Hi. MAX: [Walking to the guy in the clown makeup.] How goes it Agent 3.14159? [He looks up at Max, squeezes his nose twice and it honks like a horn.] MAX: Glad to hear it. [to 44] May we go in. 44: Oh, sure, Go ahead. [He sits down. Max, 99, and Hymie go through the steel door.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. A large, white room. Many tables are stocked with scientific and technological devices. As the three agents enter, they are greeted by a short, bald man in a white lab coat and green face. His assistant Beeker is nearby.] Dr. HONEYDEW: Hello, Agent 86. How can I help you? MAX: Well, Dr. Honeydew, I'd like to hear your findings on that tape the television station sent over. Dr. HONEYDEW: Oh, that was very interesting, come this way. [They walk across the lab, a plate of fruit sits on a table, as they walk by it, Bunsen picks up the plate.] Care for a prune? MAX: Uh, no thanks. HYMIE: I'd love a prune, Doctor. [He takes one and pops it in his mouth.] Dr. HONEYDEW: Anyone else? [He puts the plate down.] Here we are. I used the Muppet Labs computer to analyzer the tape we received. From the evidence presented in the video, the leader of the World Crime League looks like this. [He presses a button on a nearby computer console and a picture of Grover appears on the screen.] 99: Doctor, are you sure that this is what 'Deep Voice' looks like? Dr. HONEYDEW: I'd stake Beeker's life on it. BEEKER: MEEP! Meep, meep! [Gets panicky.] MAX: OK, so we'll look for someone who looks like a furry, blue monster. Come on, we've got work to do. [Max, 99, and Hymie leave. Dr. Honeydew turns to the computer and switches it until Zigfried appears.] Dr. HONEYDEW: Smart bought the story. ZIGFRIED: Goot! You vill be revarded, Doctor. Out. [Scene 49. Interior Shot. Control Room of the TARDIS. The Doctor and Romana monitor opposite ends of the control column, while Adric, Leela and K-9 stand near the screen. All stare at the screen, which shows something most unusual and unexpected. The screen displays a lush, green, tropical swamp. Three striped mattresses lay squirming in the muck.] ADRIC: What is it Doctor? DOCTOR: If I didn't know better, I'd say we're in the tropical swamps of Squornshellous Zeta, but that can't be. LEELA: Why can't it, Doctor? DOCTOR: This show isn't that silly. ROMANA: In any case, it is not the desert of the southwestern United States, which means we've misjumped. DOCTOR: Yee-eees. Well, it must be a result of all the amateur time jumping in that area. But, we can't get back until we know where we are, can we? LEELA: Doctor, look! [The Doctor turns to look at the screen. A rather down-at-the- heels robot hobbles onto the screen.] DOCTOR: Oh, my...[pause] Let's get out of here. LEELA: What is it? DOCTOR: It's a robot, the most dangerous one ever made. ROMANA: But, surely he can't harm the TARDIS. DOCTOR: He's probably the one thing that can. ADRIC: Doctor, you said we couldn't leave here until we knew where here was. DOCTOR: [getting irritated.] It's Squornshellous ZETA! ROMANA: You said that was impossible. DOCTOR: Never mind what I said, *SET COORDINATES*! [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. A murky, tropical swamp somewhere on Sqournshellouz Zeta. Sitting in the muck is a blue, London Police Box. A scarred and ancient robot sloshes up to the box while mattresses flollop in the background.] MARVIN: Oh, dear, an obstacle of some kind. [Looks up at the box.] I don't suppose you could move aside. [pause] I only ask because my directional circuits have shorted and I cannot go around you. [pause] I know you don't want to speak with me, nobody does. [pause] I really am having a dreadful time, I have this pain in all the diodes down my left side. [pause, a whirring sound is heard.] Really, it's dreadful, here I am brain the size of a planet...[the TARDIS dissolves away.] I knew you didn't want to speak to me. [He walks off and promptly gets one leg stuck in the mud. He starts walking in circles.] [Scene 50. Interior Shot. Close-up of a television screen. It displays the MTV logo. It then switches to a close-up of Downtown Julie Brown, she begins to speak.] JULIE: I'm Downtown Julie Brown for MTV with what's hot, and what's not. Here's what's hot! [The screen changes to show the inside of a garage. Speakers and amps are piled everywhere. Behind a drum set, painted on the wall is 'Wyld Stallyns' A keyboard is off to the side. A blond, teenage boy holding a cool guitar fills the screen.] BILL: I'm Bill S Preston, Esquire [He strums the guitar.] [The camera pans until it shows a black-haired boy much like Bill in appearance.] TED: [strums guitar.] And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan. OFF-SCREEN BILL: Yeah! [Ted points off screen. The "camera" follows his arm until it shows to girls, a brunette and a redhead, dressed in savory outfits and looking bashful.] OFF-SCREEN TED: And they're the babes! [Ted and Bill move onto the screen.] BILL & TED: And we're all, Wyld Stallyns! [The real camera pans backward, and we see the group called Wyld Stallyns sitting on a couch watching TV.] BILL: Most triumphant, Ted, dude. Where'd you get the MTV footage? TED: I taped it at home, then I had Deacon use that tape while filming us. OH wait, here's the best part. ON-SCREEN BILL: Oh, by the way, that's Eddie Van Halen. [He points, and the "camera" swings to show a life-size cutout of the rock star.] BILL & TED: Excellent! [They air guitar.] OFF-STAGE VOICE: Your playing has improved, my excellent friends. [Bill & Ted turn to see Rufus standing in front of a phone booth.] BILL & TED: Rufus! [They rush to stand with him.] RUFUS: Hello, again. BILL: You look bummed, dude. TED: Yeah, what's wrong? RUFUS: There's something wrong in the future. BILL: What? TED: Isn't Wyld Stallyns music the basis of your civilization? RUFUS: Not any more. You see, while you guys were zooming around the cosmos, it attracted the attention of some real bad dudes, and now, we have to stop them. BILL: Most non-triumphant, dude. TED: How can we help? RUFUS: I need you to come back in time with me to stop them. BILL & TED: Excellent! TED: We'll be back, babes. [They enter the phone booth and all three disappear.] continued next issue.... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions stickily presents "Hairtaker 1" A parody of the ST:Voyager premiere, "Caretaker 1" STV 101 Captions: FOR YEARS, THE POKKA PEOPLE OF CASTRO II HAVE LIVED IN PEACE AND PROSPERITY. BUT NOW, THE CARDASSIANS HAVE TAKEN OVER THEIR ONCE-BOOMING BOOTLEG RECORD COMPANY, AND FOR SOME REASON REFUSE TO PRODUCE ANYTHING BUT "SERGEANT PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND". NOW, AS A GALAXY WRITHES UNDER THE OPPRESSIVE BOOT OF CARDASSIAN STUFFINESS, A DESPERATE BAND OF OUTLAWS, SHUNNED FOR THEIR BELIEF THAT RINGO IS THE WALRUS, HAVE TAKEN TO ATTACKING PEOPLE FOR NO READILY DISCERNIBLE REASON. BUT WHO CARES? CHECK THIS OUT! Chakotay: Let's get out of here before one of those explosions hits us! B'elenna: I know! Chakotay: What? B'elenna: We'll go into the Badlands and hide there! Suvak: That would not be logical. In fact, that would be stupid. B'elenna: What do you know, we need the element of surprise! Gul Avec: I am Gul Avec, recurring character of the Fourth Order! Lower your shields and prepare to be boarded! Caption: GUL AVEC 2 Avec: Thank you, thank you. Now surrender or I'll blow you into tiny shreds of mangled flesh! Avec: Look, stop clapping! I'm serious! If you-- Holy cow! Is that the Badlands? Cardassian Lackey: Yessir. Avec: Well get us outa here! B'elanna: Ha ha! Chakotay: Watch out for that-- Voiceover: Silly Trek: Forager is brought to you by Clay and Lar's Flesh Emporium. Where the food is fast because we don't cook it! <> Caption: Federation Gardener's Rehabilitation Center, New Zealand. Janeway: Tom Petty? Paris: Paris. Janeway: Sorry. I've come here because we needed a bad character. Paris: Why didn't you get Riker? Janeway: Riker's just boring, he's not genuinely bad. We need a real bigoted slob for this mission, and everybody else on Earth is so perfect I had to go to a penal colony. Will you accept? Paris: Sure, anything to get out of this dump! I mean, they have me planting VEGETABLES! I'm a flower cultivator! It says so on my form! Now, in the Cuba penal colony they're really doing wonders with that new marigold technology-- Janeway: You'll do. C'mon, let's go! Paris: But I've got to use twice the amount of the new fertilizer just to get the same effect of the old kind! improved nutrients, my Aunt Josephine! Are you listening to me? Betazoid Woman: No, it got awfully boring when I knew what you were going to say before you even started. I thought you were supposed to hit on me anyway! Paris: Well, maybe, but my first love is gardening. Caption: ONE CHARACTER BUG CORRECTION LATER Paris: Your nose! The color of, well, the rest of your face! Your small intestine! Betazoid Woman: Look, if you're not back in your seat in five seconds I'll-- Paris: What? Tell on me? Betazoid Woman: I'll beam you into space where you will suffer an excruciatingly painful death that, although in reality only thirty seconds long, will seem like an eternity because of your close velocity to that of light! Paris: Gonna be a long show. All: MORN!!! Caption: MORN 2 QUARK 2 Quark: Let's see, Kira bet ten on Morn, that's minus sixty, Odo bet twenty on me, that's minus forty, Gul Ubble bet 400 on himself? Oh dear, he really should be more conservative. All that latinum, all for me. Ensign Harry Kim, 8,402 on Morn? WHAT?!?! Kim: Where's my money? Quark: How about I invest your winnings in a trust fund? Kim: Just give me my money. Quark: Donate it to charity? There's a very worthy cause here on DT9, it's called, oh, what is it called, the "Keep Quark From Going Broke" fund. Have you seen the Dabo tables yet? Kim: The MONEY! Quark: You've got a nice ship docked outside the station, bioregenerative hull, oughta be careful. A couple years in a holosuite can do wonders for your health, you know. Can I interest you in some large-scale weapons sales? Paris: All right Quark, the gig's up! Either give Harry his money or I'll quit Forager and become a regular character at your bar! Paris: Shouldn't I get a commission for saving your behind? Paris: Here's ten bars for neurosurgery. Paris: Excuse me sir, but why-- Janeway: Don't call me sir! Paris: Sorry captain, why are we just sitting here instead of chasing Maquis ships and blowing things up? Janeway: We're waiting for our ride. Paris: Our RIDE? Janeway: In a couple minutes this energy wave will sweep us to the other side of the galaxy! Paris: Well for heaven's sake, let's get out of here! Janeway: We can't! Paris: Why not? Janeway: Because otherwise this will be just like TNG! No, it's time to let an overused plot twist take us to where all the plot twists are new! Kind of ironic isn't it? Guy: Uh, sorry about making everyone look like Vulcans in that scene, but it's the premiere and there are bound to be bags here and there. Janeway: Can you get the energy wave on sensors yet? Paris: Yes-- Guy: And sorry for saying "bags" instead of "bugs" back there. That was a typo in the script and not my error. And sorry for all these interruptions. Janeway: Now stop fooling around and put the real energy wave onscreen! Paris: We can't. Janeway: Why not? Paris: It already hit us! Janeway: You idiot! All those sort of things are supposed to cause massive damage to the ship! Rock the camera! Janeway: Janeway to makeup! Hairstyle containment failure on the bridge! Kim: Captain! Massive damage to the ship type stuff! Janeway: That's better. Where's the makeup staff! Kim: All killed by the energy wave! Janeway: Well, we're over 70,000 light years from where we were before, so now we've got steady jobs for years. Kim: You're a loony! Janeway: What are you going to do, mutiny? Kim: Hey, yeah! Good idea! Paris: Mutiny! Mutiny! Computer: Warp core breach eminent. Hurry up and do something or we're all screwed! Janeway: Okay, okay, I'll fix it. Kim: We'll mutiny later.
Janeway: Thank goodness for Topsy Tail! What's with the warp core? Computer: Somebody spilled coffee on it! Janeway: Fortunately, I'm not only the captain, I'm also an expert in wiping up coffee! Computer: Everything back to normal! Paris: Quick! Turn on the doctor! Zimmerman: All right, nothing to worry about, I'm the bizarre character for this show, what's the problem? Kim: This ensign is dying! Zimmerman: Is she a major character? Kim: No. Zimmerman: Then there's nothing I can do. Technician #1: Wait, wait, why is this character being listed as Doc Zimmerman when it says quite clearly in the credits that he's The Doctor? Zimmerman: You'll never take my name! Technician #2: Yes we will, it's easier than changing the credits. Zimmerman: You can't pick on me just 'cause I'm a hologram! Take that! Technician #1: You... have... no name! Technician #2: Revenge will be ours! Computer: We're being scanned by the array! It's penetrated our ship! Janeway: What array? Nobody mentioned an array! Ensign Grenoille: Sorry we never mentioned it on-camera, there's this array thing in front of us, it's probably the thing that sent us here. Zimmerman: Hey! Where'd everybody go? Janeway: Oh great, it's the Disorientation Scene! Kim: What's that? Janeway: If you had paid attention in Starfleet Academy when they talked about show premieres, you would know. All show premieres have to have a character who can create illusions, and they usually do an illusion of something that has nothing to do with the actual show. This is called a Disorientation Scene. Granny: Well, look who's here! Come on in! I got some milk and butterscotch chunk cookies for you -- your favorite! Paris: Grandma? Janeway: Don't listen to her Paris, she's not your real grandma! Kim: You like butterscotch chunk cookies? Ulch! Granny: The others will be here any minute! Why, what an amazing coincidence, here they come now! Caption: HEE-HAW Dr. Soong: Fingertips... fingertips... Kim: Isn't there any way we can end this scene early? Janeway: I'm afraid not. We have to let it run its course. Lady: SPAM on the cob? Kim: Ulch! Janeway: What's going on here? Granny: It's the welcoming bee! We'll find any excuse for a party! SPAM on the cob? Kim: What are you doing? Paris: I'm talking to this girl, woman, chick, whatever! Kim: She's not real! Paris: So what? I'll hit on anybody! Kim: Hey, do you have a name? Paris: Paris, idiot! Kim: Not you! Chick: Nope, I'm just Chick. Kim: So what's in the barn? Chick: Nothing, just some old copies of Southern Living. Kim: I don't believe you! I think there's something really secret in there! Chick: No there isn't! Kim: Then why won't you let us in? Chick: Well, um, it's condemned! Kim: No, that's stupid. If you can't think of a good excuse in five seconds we can go in! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Break down the door, Paris! Paris: The door's open! Kim: Oh yeah. Paris: I'm getting a life sign! Two of them! Kim: Where? Paris: Inside the barn! Kim: That's us you idiot! Janeway: What are you guys doing in here? Granny: Since nobody seems to want any SPAM, we'll have to proceed AHEAD OF SCHEDULE! All: You're so evil, granny! Granny: All right, now get in! Janeway: Get in where? Granny: Well, this is where the plan falls apart. I was hoping I could think of something before we got to this scene, but there you are. That's forethought. Janeway: Are you the major evil guys in this episode? Granny: Fortunately, no. We just kidnap Kim and let the rest of you go. Which we'll do right now. Janeway: What about the flashy special effects? Granny: In a barn? Let's at least TRY to be consistent here! TO BE CONTINUED... --leonard.richardson@the-edge.com =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 11 (Sc. 51-55) STAR TREK PARODY: "Hairtaker 2" [The Caretaker 2] STV 102 ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== LOCATING A COPY OF RIF! BY WORLD WIDE WEB: Copies of past issues of RIF along with a copy of the most recent release is available on the Borg Home Page. Access the Borg Home Page at this address: http://www.cs. indiana.edu/hyplan/awooldri.html BY INTERNET E-MAIL: If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail once a month (twice during special issues!). Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. BY LOCAL BBS: There are various BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): RESISTANCE IS FUTILE BBS (805) 588-9349 [Bakersfield, CA] RIPCITY BBS (516) 243-1698 [Long Island, NY] THE Q CONTINUUM (405) 282-4676 [Oklahoma] U.S.S. NEXUS BBS (604) 574-1523 [B.C., Canada] THE X-FACTOR (616) 381-1124 [Kalamazoo, MI] BCSM BBS (617) 864-3375 [Boston, MA] THE INKWELL (703) 548-1507 [Alexandria, VA] DA WARREN (805) 854-2478 [Arvin, CA] BEYOND THE REALM (805) 987-5506 [Camarillo, CA] COUNTDOWN TO CHAOS (905) 574-2467 [Hamilton ON CAN] If you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (address given below). There is a plan afoot to put RIF in the data banks of GEnie, AoL, and Compuserve. Stay tuned for more information... Back issues of RIF are available at RIF BBS, 24hrs, 14,400bps and lower at (805) 588-9449 or at the other fine BBSes listed above. For a short time only, back issues requests will be delivered through e-mail at the address k.taborn@genie.geis.com. This offer will expire March 31. 1995. LEGAL STUFF Permission to use, copy and distribute Resistance is Futile Newsletter (RIF), or parts thereof, by electronic means for any non-profit purpose is hereby granted, provided that both the above Copyright notice and this permission notice appear in all copies of the newsletter itself, and that proper credit is given for any excerpts. Any other format or purpose for distribution requires permission of the author. Reproducing RIF or parts thereof by any means implies full agreement to the above non-profit-use clause, unless upon explicit prior written permission of the author. "Star Trek" and all "Trek" related names and characters are registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures Incorporated. No infringement on that trademark registration is intended, either by RIF or by the contributors it represents. RIF exercises it's right to parody and satirize. RIF is distributed free of charge. RIF is provided "as is", and any express or implied warranties, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose are disclaimed. Resistance is Futile. Copyright (c) 1995 by Kym Masera Taborn. SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER The next Resistance is Futile (#40) will be released on or about March 21, 1995. It will be a special Naw-Ruz (Baha'i New Year edition). The next regular monthly issue (#41) will be released on or about April 1, 1995. Send submissions to Oxnardus at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. Editor-in-Chief: Oxnardus. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; Internet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR kym.taborn@the-edge.com OR kym.taborn@therealm.com; FidoNet: Kym Taborn @1:206/2513; RIF BBS (805) 588-9349: Oxnardus; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308