_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 40 April 01 1995 Special Naw-Ruz edition??? Well, we tried.... ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: It was the best of times, the worst of times... UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 11 (Sc. 51-55) STAR TREK PARODY: "Hairtaker 2" [The Caretaker 2] STV 102 The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== I had **ALL** the best intentions of releasing this edition March 21, 1995 and wishing everyone a HAPPY NAW-RUZ! (March 21st is the Baha'i New Year). HOWEVER, that was not to be. I shall share with you all why (I am fishing for sympathy). I traveled over the mountains and through the woods to visit a town called Fillmore to observe New Year festivities. It's a little over a 100 miles away from Bakersfield (the nerve center for RIF). The festivities were fun and I am glad I went. However, as we were driving back in the cold, wet California rain, our clutch went out. Because we have a hydraulic clutch situation somewhere UNDERNEATH the transmission, that meant a major replacement job. We got to spend the night in a hotel in scenic Santa Clarita as the AAA (Automobile Association) towed our car away. The next day we were informed that part of the transmission had been broken as well. We did not get the 'ol family chariot back until a week later. THEREFORE, with all the running amuck and communications with the mechanics I never got around to preparing the mailing for this SPECIAL EDITION of Resistance is Futile Netzine. HOWEVER, since you are reading this now, you can be assured that I eventually sent something out. I have decided to resume the regular schedule (as opposed to releasing #40 on 03-21-95 and having two issues late). IN ORDER TO APPEASE ALL, I am planning another special edition (barring automotive difficulties)...but this issue will really be special (not just a regular issue released early). I have been collecting a back log of parodies and articles which are getting dusty on that virtual shelf. On April 21st 1995 I anticipate releasing issue number 41, which will be the SPECIAL RIDVAN EDITION! Ridvan is, of course, YET ANOTHER BAHA'I HOLIDAY. It commemorates the founding of the Baha'i Faith. In this issue I will have many of these shorter articles. Progress on the Web page? Hey, we are still working on it. Visit it anyways because on it is a WHOLE BORG PAGE. The address is: http://www.cs.indiana.edu/hyplan/awooldri.html. Be there or be square. ---Oxnardus, editor-in-chief ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= Our Story So Far: Steve Austin, aboard the Starship Enterprise (1701-A) is told that he was supposed to have crashed, and nearly died in his test flight. Instead, he was saved from certain death by the quick thinking of Captain Kirk, and the quick actions of Commander Kyle. Also, Guinan, having just emerged from the Guardian of Forever and discovering that she accidentally caused the errors in the flow of time that she wanted to prevent, is in a state of catatonic shock. Chekov calls down to inform the captain that two ships have suddenly appeared in the system, and are headed towards Earth. Marty McFly decides that if Spin really has managed to rebuild a working time machine from the parts at the train wreck, that they should contact Doc in 1885. As they drive off into the distance, the special effects inform us that it worked. In the distant future of 2691, Rufus is bummed out. It seems that all of the time distortions being caused in the past have turned the bright, hopeful future spawned by Bill and Ted into a wasteland of corruption and deceit. Rufus is now a member of a resistance force, and he is going back in time to enlist the aid of Bill and Ted to put the future back on the correct course. Luke and Company land in the desert near White Sands, New Mexico. As they are preparing to start out for the nearest city, Flash Gordon and his friends crash into the sand on a jet cycle (skewering Wedge in the process). The two groups join forces and head out for the nearest city. Sam and Al are in dire straits. They still have no idea why they are where they are, or even what they are really doing. Meanwhile, Riker, Data, and Geordi have discovered a bit of wreckage with what looks like Phaser burn on it. Almost a mile and a half above them, in standard orbit, Sub-commander Tanalak, and Commander Sateen of the Romulan Empire are puzzling with their own problems. They're dilithium crystals have been drained from the time warp that they followed the Enterprise crew into, and they are looking for a way to handle their current situation. Just then, the Star Wars Empire's attack force enters the system, and the Romulans head out to rendezvous with them. The GI Joe task force is being briefed on their new enemy "The World Crime League" when they rush out to meet the 'attack' of Buckaroo Banzai and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Buckaroo manages to hold off the hostilities and begin a dialogue with General Hawk. Agent 86, 99 and Hymie enter the secret Control labs, located in the floor of a moving van, and speak to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, who reveals that he has determined the identity of "Deep Voice." It is Grover. After Smart leaves, we see that Honeydew is really working for KAOS. The Doctor and his companions have misjumped and arrived on Squornshellous Zeta. The Doctor will not believe this, until he sees Marvin approaching the TARDIS, at which point he panics and madly sets coordinates to bring them back to Earth. After the TARDIS leaves, Marvin gets his artificial leg stuck in the mud. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene 51. Exterior Shot. New Mexico Desert. Luke, C3-PO, R2-D2, Leia, Solo, Chewbacca, Lando, Zarkov, Flash, Dale, and Harry are walking through the night. Luke, looks slightly despondent and hangs back. Leia slows down to talk to him.] LEIA: Luke, what's wrong? LUKE: Oh, nothing. LEIA: Don't give me that, you haven't been the same since Wedge died. LUKE: Which time? [He smiles, slightly] LEIA: [pokes him in the arm.] For the last time, what is wrong with you? LUKE: Does it ever bother you that every member of our family who ever became a Jedi succumbed to the Dark Side? LEIA: Well, you haven't. [She crosses her arms on her chest.] LUKE: Maybe. LEIA: What do you mean by that? LUKE: Think of it. Who killed all those Dark Knights? LEIA: Well, you did, but that doesn't make you evil. LUKE: Killing is wrong. LEIA: But they were evil, they deserved it. Besides, they all forgave you. LUKE: Another thing! How have I continued my training? LEIA: Your spirit advisors. LUKE: Who are all dead! It's the dark side of the force that deals with death! The force is about life! LEIA: Luke, you aren't evil. [She puts a hand on his arm.] You just live in odd times. [A pause] We all do. [They walk ahead and pass R2-D2 and C3-PO. R2 veers off as they pass.] C3-PO: R2-D2, where are you going? R2-D2: *whistle* *twink* *bleep* C3-PO: I don't care what you've detected. We're going this way. [He points in the direction the others have gone.] R2-D2: *bleep* *bloop* *whirrrrr* C3-PO: Oh, all right, I'm coming. [They walk off along a path perpendicular to the rest. Suddenly, R2-D2 stops and C3-PO nearly trips over him.] C3-PO: What is it now? R2-D2: *beep* *whirrrrrr* *twinkle* C3-PO: Oh, OK, I'll look. [C3-PO bends down to look closely at the ground.] [Scene Change. Giant sand dune. A plastic green dune buggy drives up.] SISTER: Are we there yet, Papa Doodlebug? [The car comes to a stop.] PAPA: Yes, we are, Sister Doodlebug. SIS & BRO: Hurray! [Sister and Brother Doodlebug jump out and run off camera. Papa & Mamma Doodlebug get out of the car, set up a beach umbrella, and lay on towels.] PAPA: It sure is a fine day to be at the beach, Mamma Doodlebug. MAMMA: Yes, it is, Papa Doodlebug. [Suddenly, the child doodlebugs rush back into the scene.] BRO & SIS: We can't find the water! PAPA: Are you sure? BROTHER: We looked everywhere. MAMMA: Maybe we should all look? PAPA: Good idea, Mamma Doodlebug. [They all stand up.] PAPA: Let's look this way. [All of them walk off in the indicated direction.] MAMMA: Let's try this way. [All of them move in a new direction.] SISTER: This isn't working at all. BROTHER: Maybe we should split up and look for the water. PAPA: That is a good idea, Brother Doodlebug. [They split up and walk off in different directions. The camera zooms away and shows C3-PO standing up.] C3-PO: What was that all about? R2-D2: *beep* *twinkle* *whirrrrrrrr* C3-PO: Filler! What do you mean filler? Filler until what? SHREDDER: Until I show up! Blast 'Em! [Rock Steady and Be-Bop fire energy weapons at C3-PO and R2-D2, knocking them unconscious. Then they drag both droids into the terrordrome.] [Scene 52. Interior Shot. A Star Trek convention. A very large (around the waist) man, dressed in a red TNG uniform, commander's rank, is walking around. He spots Worf strutting his stuff. He waves his arm and calls out.] MAN: Pete! Pete! [Worf, unaware that anyone is calling him, continues on. The man walks up to him.] MAN: Pete, didn't you hear me? [Worf regards him with a sneer.] You really do get into character don't you. C'mon, there's been a rewrite, your lines have all been changed. [The Man leads Worf through a door guarded by someone wearing Vulcan ears.] GUARD: (addressing the man) Hi, Kevin. KEVIN: Hi, Jim. [Worf and Kevin pass through the door. Inside, all is chaos. A man dressed as Counselor Troi walks up. He has two overstuffed balloons inside the dress and a wig on his head.] FALSE TROI: Pete! Great costume! Here, here's the rewrite. [He hands Worf some mimeographed pages. Worf sneers at them.] KEVIN: You go sit over there, I'll help them get ready. [Worf goes and sits down on an old crate. After a minute, he begins reading the script. A few seconds later, he laughs out loud.] [Fade to black.] [Scene 53. Exterior Shot. A dramatic, wind-swept, desert plain. The wind blows dramatically, blowing sand around in a dramatic way. In the distant, a majestic, yet dramatically placed mountain range can be seen, and the smoke from various campfires (now being built because we are viewing a dramatic sunset) can be seen rising in the distance. The camera pans around and we see a dust-trail (dramatic, but not caused by the wind). Following the trail, a large, overly-muscular, and very dramatic man is seen riding a horse at a fast pace. Dramatically. Three men come out of a conveniently, yet dramatically, placed copse of trees. They draw swords and look menacingly at our dramatic hero.] EVIL GUY #1: Conan! [Conan pulls his horse to a stop. It rears up slightly as it does so.] EVIL GUY #1: We would speak with you. [Conan slowly draws his sword, preparing for the dramatic battle he knows is to come.] EVIL GUY #1: Get him! [All three evil guys charge Conan. He charges back, and slashes one of them to the ground, while deftly dodging two swings from opponents. The third (Evil Guy #1) hits him with the pommel of his sword, knocking Conan of horseback. Evil Guys #1 and #2 turn their horses around and make ready for another charge. Conan holds his sword in a dramatic pose over his head. The two Evil Guys on horseback charge, and Conan manages to slash one of his sword, while knocking the other off on the back swing. Now two Evil guys are lying on the ground, and one more stands ready to fight. Conan and Evil Guy #1 battle back and forth for a while, just as Conan manages to knock Evil Guy #1 down, one of the other two guys attack him from behind, distracting him from the final kill. Finally, all three have mortal slash wounds to the chest. Conan stands over them, chest heaving dramatically from exertion. Then he hears a voice.] BIG, EVIL GUY: Conan! [Conan turns to see a very big man riding a huge black horse standing near the copse of trees that the original men came out of. He charges on his horse, missing Conan (he ducks) and turning around for another go. Conan waves his sword around dramatically, holds it over his head in that one-handed-I'm- gonna-throw-this-big-heavy-sword-that-has-no-aerodynamic- -properties-at-all-and-I'm-gonna-hit-what-I-aim-at-cos-I'm-Conan- so-there pose. The tableau freezes for about thirty seconds, while the background orchestra plays a dramatic chord. Then, Conan throws the sword.] [Scene 54. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. Yet another portion of this god-forsaken desert that nobody has arrived at. For a government jet testing site, this place sure gets a lot of traffic doesn't it. A whirring noise is heard and a blue police box fades into existence. The door opens and the Doctor pokes his head out to have a look around. He brings his head back in and closes the door. Pause. The door opens again and Romana has a look around this time. She closes the door. Pause. The door opens a third time and K-9 comes out and makes one pass around the TARDIS without discovering anything at all. He speaks.] K-9: The coast is clear, Doctor. DOCTOR: [from within] Are you sure? K-9: There is nothing registering on my sensors for quite some distance. I do not believe that that robot is in the vicinity. DOCTOR: Well, if you're sure, I'll come out. [The Doctor pokes his head out the door and finally steps out. He walks 360 degrees around the TARDIS, looking out in every direction, then he turns and walks in the other direction looking out into the distance. Finally, he calls into the TARDIS.] DOCTOR: Ok, every thing seems to be clear out here. [Leela, Adric, and Romana step out of the TARDIS.] ROMANA: You have your key, Doctor? [The Doctor fumbles around in his long jacket for a bit, and pulls out a large key shaped device. He holds it up.] ROMANA: [Nods.] Good. [She closes the door to the TARDIS.] LEELA: No, what do we do, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, since that dreadful Marvin doesn't appear to be about, I suppose we could settle down to doing what it is we were setting about to do in the first place. ADRIC: And what was that? DOCTOR: I'm not quite sure, really. However, all the time travel in the vicinity, surely warrants an investigation. K-9? K-9: Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: Access the TARDIS computers. Where is the United States Jet Testing Range in relation to where we are? K-9: Approximately 3.56 miles to the northwest, Doctor. DOCTOR: Good, come along then. [They all head off for the testing range, and their appointment with Destiny. Fade to black.] [Scene 55. Interior Shot. The Command Deck of the new, improved Dreck Star. Various Imperial Officers walk around giving orders to Imperial Soldiers who are all wearing that goofy looking helmet. You know the one, it looks like a racing bikers helmet, but it's more symmetrical, and it's sideways, and it's a deep, glossy black. One General walks up to Karth Gator who is, of course, striking a dramatic pose.] GENERAL: Lord Gator, we have a small ship approaching us, about the size of three TIE-Fighters. GATOR: Is it a new rebel ship? GENERAL: Unknown, there is no beacon, and it is unlike any ships we have ever encountered before. GATOR: Show me. [Gator and the General walk over to one of the control consoles. The General taps the soldier manning the station on the shoulder and relieves him. Then, the General sits down and begins entering commands. Soon the viewscreen at the station shows an exterior shot of space with a Romulan Bird of Prey approaching.] GATOR: That is unusual. What else have you to report? GENERAL: Nothing, Lord... [He is interrupted by a beeping alarm at the station he is sitting at. He immediately turns and begins adjusting controls.] GATOR: What is it? GENERAL: The ship, it has started emitting energy waves of some kind. [Lord Gator leans over the General to look more closely at the ship.] GATOR: Could it be part of a defense force from the third planet? GENERAL: Impossible. Our advanced scouts reported that this planet was completely without a space fleet of any use. They haven't even reached their own moon yet. GATOR: Then what is that ship doing? [Center on Gator's face, then cut to... Interior Shot. Bridge of the Romulan War Bird. Commander Sateen and Sub-Commander Tanalak are at their usual stations. The Sub-Commander rises from his chair and stalks over to the communications station.] TANALAK: What is taking so long? COMM. OFFICER: I don't know sir. We've been broadcasting on sub-space signals since we left Earth orbit, but they still haven't responded. Perhaps there is a problem with their communication equipment. TANALAK: There's forty ships in that fleet! Are you trying to tell me that every receiver on every one of those ships is broken!? COMM. OFFICER: It was just a theory. Still, they haven't responded yet. SATEEN: The Enterprise isn't going to let us try this forever. Eventually, Kirk will be on our tails, and then we're in real trouble. This has to work. TANALAK: We're broadcasting messages on all channels and still nothing. I think it's hopeless. [An alarm klaxon goes off] DECK OFFICER: The Enterprise is approaching, coming in range. SATEEN: It's too late. Come about, prepare for battle. [Tanalak returns to his seat, while officers rush around preparing for what will probably be the last battle of their lives.] DECK OFFICER: Commander! The engines are not responding. SATEEN: [Clicks on a communicator panel.] Engineer, what is happening down there! ENG. CMDR: I dinna ken, Commander! The engines, they're givin' it all they got, but something is pulling us in de other direction! SATEEN: Thank you, Engineer, Bridge out. TANALAK: What are we going to do? The Enterprise is on it's way. SATEEN: Nothing. We have already achieved what we want. The only force that could be pulling at us, has to be a tractor beam from the approaching fleet. We've made contact. The Enterprise isn't going to fight them for us. [Scene change to Bridge of the Dreck Star.] GATOR: Put them in Bay #4, I want to have a talk with them personally. GENERAL: [Standing once again] Yes, Lord Gator. [Karth turns and stalks out of the room.] continued next issue.... ================ STAR TREK PARODY ================ Hareware Productions stickily presents "Hairtaker 2" A parody of the ST: Voyager premiere, "Caretaker 2" STV 102 Janeway: Agh, they're holding a leading character hostage. We've got to team up with the Maquis and get them back! Chacotay: Too late! We're teaming up with YOU first! Janeway: Chacotay! Chacotay: The same! Hey, how do you know my name? Janeway: It's sewed on your underwear! Chacotay: I'm not wearing-- uh, nevermind. Kim: Hey, that's a cool tattoo. Chacotay: Uh, thanks. Kim: I want one just like it! Janeway: Me too! Paris: Me three! Caption: ONE QUICK TRIP TO BOB'S DELTA QUADRANT TATOO PARLOR Caption: LATER Chacotay: Nonono, that's MY distinguishing character trait, you can't have it! Janeway: Hmph. Caption: ONE BOTTLE OF BABY OIL LATER Chacotay: Now let's get on with the story, what's next? Tuvak: All right Chacotay, don't move! Chacotay: Tuvak! Tuvak: Chacotay! Chacotay: I thought you were on OUR side? Tuvak: Well I'm a spy! Chacotay: Aiee! Paris: Chacotay! Chacotay: Paris! Janeway: Sausage! All: WHAT? Janeway: Anything to stop that stupid routine! Now let's get to the array and find Harry! Chacotay: And B'elanna! Janeway: But we must maintain the air of uneasy conflict that is the hallmark of the Silly Trek name! Chacotay: Yeah RIGHT. Chacotay: What have you done with our characters?! Soong: Oh, go away you silly politically correct person, you don't have what I need! Chacotay: What do you need? Soong: A Slurpee would be nice... but no; I must honor a debt that can never be repaid. Janeway: Did you buy a car from the Mafia or something? Soong: No, now go to the fifth planet in this system if you want to uncover the secret behind my mysterious past! Chacotay: Wasn't that in the preview? Janeway: I think so, we'd better check it out. Janeway to Forager, beam us up. Kim: I still can't sleep. What are you thinking? B'elanna: Agh! Don't talk to me! Now I have to run into the door! Kim: What a waste. Tuvak: There's something veeeery strange about that fifth planet. Janeway: There are no nucle-- Tuvak: No, that's my line. Janeway: Oops, what would that be? Tuvak: There are no nucleogenic particles in the atmosphere. The planet is incapable of rain. Janeway: What does water do after it evaporates? Tuvak: I have been wondering about that as well. I asked the computer and it said that further technobabble was needed or it would be a NASTI. Janeway: I think it'd be better if we just changed the plot. Tuvak: You will have to do it since you are the captain. Janeway: Now hear this! Janeway's Voice: From now on it rains all it wants to on the fifth planet! Jolt is now the incredibly valuable liquid! <> Ensign Cap'n Crunch: captain, we're receiving a hail from that rubble pile over there. Janeway: What rubble pile? Ensign Cap'n Crunch: The one orbiting the fifth planet. Janeway: Are we at the fifth planet already? Ensign Cap'n Crunch: Yes, HP was too cheap to show a zooming-away shot. Janeway: Put it on screen. Neelix: Hi, I'm Neelix, the comic relief character. Janeway: Oh, I was wondering when you were going to get here. We'll beam you over. Neelix: Not so fast! I demand compensation for my silliness! Janeway: What do you want? Neelix: Jolt! Janeway: Well, it's a better idea than water... B'elanna: What's your name, Starfleet? Kim: No, it's Kim. B'elanna: That's a girl's name! Kim: That's my last name, my first name is Harry! B'elanna: Oh. Kim: Gin. Guy: All right you two, don't be afraid., just come with me. Kim: What are these things? Guy: Prosthetics. Now, put on these pixie shoes. B'elanna: Nevah! I am a half-Klingon! It is not the half-Klingon way to wear pixie shoes! Guy: Too bad, do it anyway. We have no time to lose. Kim: Nice digs. Guy: Yes, it's all controlled by the Hairtaker don't you know. Kim: Who's that? Guy: We've never seen him. Rumor has it that he's an old guy who drools and plays the banjo. Kim: Why are we here? Guy: We needed to kidnap you to provide a subplot. Kim: B'elanna: You fiend! <> Tuvak: You are going to be very sticky when you get out of that tub. Neelix: I'll never get out! Ha ha! Jolt! Jolt! I'm so high! And it's all mine! Lovely Jolt, wonderful Jolt! Tuvak: Neelix: Over there is the tribe that protects the secret to the plot. Janeway: Let's go! Neelix: No! No! I bring you Jolt! Klingon Wannabe #1: Jolt? Klingon Wannabe Leader: Where is this Jolt? Janeway: Here. Klingon Wannabe #2: It is Jolt! Janeway: Give us the secret to the plot and you can have all the Jolt you can drink! Klingon Wannabe #1: A tempting offer... but we must see the Jolt first! Janeway: Janeway to Fizzy Drinks, beam in the Jolt. Janeway: Hey! The plot! Hello? Neelix: Agh, I forgot about dealing with these people, never fulfill your part of the bargain first! Once they get their Jolt, they go mad! Neelix: Kes! Kes: Neelix! Janeway: Please, not this again. Who is this person? Neelix: Kes, she's my girlfriend. Janeway: Aren't you that woman who played Peter Pan? Kes: That was low. Paris: Hey, us co-stars have dialogue too! Kes: If you want more dialogue you'll have to go to the underground mall where the rest of the story is! Chacotay: Let's... Tuvak: Go! Chacotay: Times are tough. B'elanna: We can't go much farther! Caption: ONE PUNCHLINE LATER B'elanna: Hey! What was that caption? Kim: It's getting near the end of the parody, they must be running out of jokes. Paris: Can we go to Gap? Janeway: No, we have to find Torres and Kim! Paris: Gap! Gap! Tuvak: Surak wore kakhis! Shady-Looking Guy: Would you be interested in purchasing some encyclopedias? Janeway: No, no, that's not funny. Jump cut! B'elanna: That's strange, there's no way to the surface. Kim: Maybe we could blast our way out. B'elanna: No, I've got a better idea. Let's blast our way out! Kim: Er... with what? B'elanna: We could dig our way out... Kim: No, we'll dig our way out! B'elanna: With what, a spoon? Kim: No, we don't have any spoons. Janeway: We do! Kim: Quick! Hand it over! Kim: No, plastic won't do. We'll have to use the phasers. Janeway: Quickly! Get out before we all get squished! Janeway: Wow, it's windy. Kim: Where's Chacotay and Paris? Janeway: What? Kim: WHERE'S CHACOTAY AND PARIS?! Janeway: I DON'T KNOW, ARE THEY IN THIS SCENE?! Kim: FOR ANY KIND OF CONTINUITY, YEAH! Kim: Where's Paris? Chacotay: He died heroically while saving my life of course. Janeway: You pushed him didn't you. Chacotay: Well, a little yes. Janeway: Now we're stuck 70 years from nowhere with no conflict! Kim: Or not. Janeway: Janeway to Forager, beam us up. B'elanna: Why do I have to wear these tight leather clothes? Chacotay: Probably because you're the only halfway-attractive female on the show. Janeway: Plot a course for intelligent plotlines, warp 8. Kim: We can't captain, we never resolved the conflict with the array and the old guy! Janeway: Oh no, we'd better go talk to him again. Janeway: Chacotay, meet me in the transporter room. Kim: Captain, there's a ship coming towards us. Janeway: Great, on screen! Kim: They're hailing us. Janeway: On screen again. Wannabe Klingon Leader: You guys are doing a TV show, aren't you? Janeway: Maybe we are, and maybe we aren't. Kim: You tell 'em captain! Chacotay: Oh, stop kissing up. Wannabe Klingon Leader: We have no record of your show on our programming schedule. Are you with the WKBN? Janeway: No, UPN. Wannabe Klingon Leader: Grr! Janeway: We have no dispute with-- Wannabe Klingon Leader: We have a dispute with anyone who dares challenge our Delta Quadrant broadcasting monopoly! You dare challenge our prime time spot? Take this! Kim: They're firing on us! Janeway: Return fire! Kim: OK, all blown up. Janeway: Why didn't we have a flashy blowing-up scene? Kim: The ship caught fire. Janeway: Gods, how cheesy. Chacotay, meet me in the transporter room. Chacotay: Right away. Chacotay: Hello? Anybody here? Soong: Go away! Janeway: No, we're not leaving this plot unraveled. Explain yourself! Soong: Okay, okay, I'm the Hairtaker. Janeway: And does this have any relevance? Soong: Actually, yes. I've got to shave your head. Chacotay: Why? Soong: Not you! Janeway: Why? Soong: Because you've got WAY too much hair to be a Silly Trek major commanding officer type person! Janeway: Well isn't this the point of Forager? To break the old boundaries? Soong: Don't tell anybody, but it's really just to sell more action figures. Janeway: Well you're not shaving MY head! Take this! Soong: I was only following orders! Caption: ONE CAPTION LATER Chacotay: Well, that's quite enough of that. Janeway: Back to the Forager! Janeway: Hello. Neelix: Hi, can me and Kes be regular characters? Janeway: Okay, whatever. Roll the preview! Next Time, on Silly Trek: Forager... Announcer: A rift in the space-time continuum! Janeway: WHAT?!?! Announcer: A rift in the space-time continuum! Janeway: I've been betrayed! Announcer: Betrayed? Janeway: By the cowardly HP writers! To think I believed their talk of original plotlines! Kim: Captain, the rift-- Janeway: We've got a bigger problem! Computer, activate self-destruct... now! Announcer: Agh. ---leonard.richardson@the-edge.com =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== RIF #41: YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: First glance at ST: Voyager BORG INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY: Sign up today! PROMO FOR "QUIET": A ST:TNG episode that could have been! VOYAGER PARODY: Voyager Meets the Borg BORG JOKES STAR TREK: THE NEXT LAUNCH STAR TREK: A BIT O FUN part X: An alternative opening for Star Trek: Generations BORG VS. MICROSOFT RIF #42: THE UNOFFICIAL BORG FAQ UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 12 (Sc. 56-60) ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== LOCATING A COPY OF RIF! BY WORLD WIDE WEB: Copies of past issues of RIF along with a copy of the most recent release will eventually be available on the Borg Home Page. Access the Borg Home Page at this address: http://www.cs.indiana.edu/hyplan/awooldri.html BY INTERNET E-MAIL: If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail once a month (twice during special issue months!). 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