_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 41 April 21 1995 Special Ridvan issue???? YOU BET!!! ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Late, Oh So Late Again YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: First glance at ST: Voyager BORG INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY: Sign up today! PROMO FOR "QUIET" A ST:TNG episode that could have been! VOYAGER PARODY: Voyager Meets the Borg BORG JOKES STAR TREK: THE NEXT LAUNCH STAR TREK: A BIT O FUN part X: An alternative opening for Star Trek: Generations BORG VS. MICROSOFT BORG SEX LINE SEQUEL PREDICTIONS TO ST:GENERATIONS The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Late. Yes, late again. I had such great hopes on releasing this April 20th. Sigh. Excuses???? You want excuses???? Actually, I will share it with you. A listserver went berserk on me and sent me the same 79 line e-mail over 300 times a day for almost a week. Because of my set up, I used up almost all my time having to scan through 350 letters per day trying to ferret out the non- reproducing messages. On the bright side, I have never received over 2500 e-mails in less than a week. On the dark side, I got pretty testy having to sift through them to find my real mail. So it goes. But, I am well rested and no longer receiving hundreds of e-mail and this special holiday issue of RIF (the Festival of Ridvan is a 12 day holiday commemorating the founding of the Baha'i Faith) is actually, truly and virtually out! ---Oxnardus ======================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED ======================= by Swannox of Borg Got the Family Computer Fixed. Bad Drive. It just happened to go bad as soon as I let Marshall University's Computer Store install the CD ROM. So Circuit City fixed it (under warranty) and the computer rep (he is a computer god) said he will install stuff for us from now on. So I get a new drive (miss the feel of the last drive). I going to head to the Mall and get the ENCYCLOPEDIA TO THE ENTERPRISE on CD ROM. It's a highly detailed program. I will be able to walk the Enterprise. I thought Star Trek: Voyager was a step in the right direction. I liked the Ensemble Cast. Robert Picardo seems to be the guy I like the most. The jury is still out on Captain Janeway. I am not sure if she's going to be a token or a Captain we can all love. Of Course since Our FOX Station is now a UPN station I can see Voyager after X-Files. However, it seems with all the new UPN shows, BABYLON 5 HAS DISAPPEARED AGAIN. ALONG WITH TIME TRAX. Let's go back to the Voyager. I'm not buying the ship has run down already: running out of replicator rations, etc. I also didn't buy in the first episode a race that can out gun the Voyager (didn't buy that) but can't replicate water or go elsewhere to find water. But it's Star Trek. Thumbs up. I'm hoping that DS9 can show us some more episodes like the last two parter. Guess I'm being Critical. But I watch the show every week like clockwork. If I'm not working, then it's tape. (Which if all goes well and I somehow convince the Corporate Offices that I should be the new 7-Mid guy on Bubba). I will at least have Saturday off and only work Sunday afternoons along with 7-Mid M-F) but I digress...I watch the show. Not like I'm not going to if they don't do this or that. ---Swannox of Borg: JPRN49A@PRODIGY.COM ============================ BORG INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY ============================ Tired of that boring, dead end job? Sick of getting paid Arcturian peanuts while that Cardassian bosses you around??? Then maybe you should think about starting an exciting career in Galactic Conquest!!! The Borg Institute of Technology is now accepting enrollment for our intensive, six-week course. In no time at all, you'll be on your way to a fun and rewarding career that will put you on the fast track to success! Think about the possibilities... you'll earn the respect and fear of entire galaxies! You'll be part of the fastest-growing race of biomechanicals in the known universe! You'll travel to exotic, distant worlds... meet exciting, unusual life forms.... and assimilate them!!! Listen to this testimonial from one of our satisfied graduates: "The...being...you...knew...as...Picard...no...longer... exists. I...am...called...Locutus...of...Borg. Must... assimilate...inferior...life...forms." Remember, it's a dog-eat-dog universe out there! It's your choice...assimilate or be assimilated. If you act fast... you'll get a free eyepiece cleaning kit! The Borg Institute of Technology is coming to a solar system near you soon. Classes are filling up fast, so make that call! 1-800-BORG-NOW. You'll be glad you did! ---SIGVID (sigvid@indirect.com) ================= PROMO FOR "QUIET" ================= Here's the promo for a ST:TNG episode never shown called "Quiet". Announcer: THE CREW'S GREATEST NEMESIS RETURNS TO THE ENTERPRISE. (Geordi and Ro are kissing passionately in Ro's quarters) <<>> (Geordi and Ro are kissing passionately in Picard's ready room, which is in full conference) Q: Hi everybody! I've brought along some entertainment! Picard: Q! Announcer: AND HE HATCHES HIS MOST CUNNING PLAN YET TO RUIN THE LIVES OF PICARD AND HIS CREW. Picard: Just what do you intend to do with us now? Q: I'm going to destroy your ratings. Riker: And how will you do that? Q: By doing nothing. Crusher: Nothing? Q: Nothing. I'm going to do nothing, and neither are you. Announcer: AND HIS PLAN IS WORKING! (Crew is on the Bridge) Picard: Ensign, are there any planets nearby that need our assistance? Ro: No, sir. Picard: Are there any Cardassian skirmishes? Ro: No, sir. Riker: Romulan skirmishes? Ro: No, sir. Worf: Can we pick a fight with the Klingon Empire? Data: No Klingon ships in this sector. Picard: DARNIT! Any Temporal Distortions? Any uninhabited planets where we might find another lost child of Tasha Yar? ANYTHING!! Ro (looks downcast): No, I'm sorry sir. Announcer: SO THE CREW LOOK TO DESPERATE MEASURES... (bridge) Riker: We've got to do something, there only 15 minutes left before the last commercial. Geordi: And we have no idea if Q's made this a cliffhanger. Data: Perhaps I could amuse everyone with one of my jokes. Picard: NO! Worf: I could sing opera. Bridge Crew: NO!! Troi: I got it! Imzadi, you can marry me now, we'll have a traditional Betazoid wedding right here on the bridge! Crusher: All of us?? Ro: In traditional Betazoid wedding dress?! Geordi: It's the only option we have left... (Q, watching from the viewscreen) Q: This isn't turning out to be what I expected, but I LIKE what I see. Announcer: WILL THOSE MEASURES WORK TO SAVE THE RATINGS? FIND OUT ON AN ALL NEW EPISODE OF STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION! ---James Bow (e.bow@genie.geis.com) ============== VOYAGER PARODY ============== CAPTAIN'S LOG: It seems that this crew is stuck 70 million light-years away from Federation Space. I am deeply depressed because I no longer have access to Lee Press On nails, and Folgers deep rich coffee. Also I am deeply concerned about my new First officer. He is kind of weird. [Janeway enters the bridge, and sees Chakotay meditating in her chair.] Janeway: Kim, what's he doing? Kim: Speaking to his spirit guide. Janeway: What about? Kim: He wants to know if this is truly a voyage fit for the damned. Janeway: I see...Has he been talking to the Doctor? Kim: No. He was talking to Kes. Janeway: I see . . . [Meanwhile in Sickbay.] Neelix: I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! Zimmerman: What? Kes: Yeah what? Neelix: I was to be your mate and look at the both of you. Naked as can be. That is sick. Zimmerman: She wanted to know what human sexuality was like. Neelix: She is not human! Zimmerman: Computer Protocol Dress. (Instantly he is dressed. However his suit tends to be too small.) Darn computer...Computer my measurements are... Neelix: Well did you learn anything from this Kes? Kes: (grining.) I think so. Neelix: You're lucky you're just a hologram, otherwise I would have tarred and feathered you! Zimmerman: Right. I'm really scared. Oh, my... [On the Bridge.] Chakotay: Ah, Captain, my spirit guide has confirmed that this is truly the Voyage of the damned. Janeway: Well that's a reassuring thought. Tuvok: Sensor's are reading a huge ship which matches the known configuration of the Borg. Kim: WHAT! Captain I thought you said they were no Borg close to this quadrant! Janeway: I didn't know...So sue me. Tuvok: Given the fact that we are 70 million light years from Federation Space, suing would not be considered an option. Janeway: It was a joke, Tuvok. Tuvok: Again with the meaningless human interaction of emotion. Paris: My God!! (In a Sulu like voice...) It's bigger than any cube ever recorded. Chakotay: I feel it is my duty to warn you Captain. Janeway: Warn me of what? Chakotay: We are going to be killed. Janeway: Let's think positive. (Neelix enters the bridge.) Neelix got any of that special food? Neelix: NO! Leave me alone! Kim: (Talking to Paris.) What's with him? Paris: Rumor has it the Doctor and Kes, did more than research the art of human sexuality. Kim: Yeah, I guess that would irk me. Tuvok: We are being hailed. Janeway: (Folds her arms and walks up to the screen.) On screen. (The screen pops with an image of a huge Roseanne Barr type lady assimilated into the Borg collective.) Borg: (Roseanne laugh . . . .) So you are Captain Janeway of the Federation. How did you get here? Janeway: We were in the badlands . . . Borg: Let me guess a worm hole opened up and you got thrown over here? Janeway: You could say that. Borg: Well all I have to say, (Voice growing grave now.) PREPARE TO BE ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. (An image of Tom Arnold appears and he is completely assimilated.) See...That is what I did to my late husband. Janeway: Help us or die! Borg: Yeah right...You and what Fleet? Janeway: This fleet! (Motions for Tuvok to fire the reaming 38 photon torpedoes. The torpedoes don't have any effect.) Tuvok: Very good Captain, now we have no more Torpedoes. What next? Lock phasers on target and fire? Janeway: (Ignoring Tuvok.) Lock phasers and Fire! (The phasers don't do a thing...) Chakotay, get us out of here! Chakotay: (The I DREAM OF GENIE theme plays as Chakotay folds his arms and blinks. The Borg threat is gone.) Janeway: Wow! Could you teach me that? Chakotay: The white man took our customs and made fun of them. I have replaced the missing 38 torpedoes. CAPTAIN'S LOG: We are still stuck in the Delta quadrant. Someday soon we will get home. THE END FOR NOW? ---Mitch Holzman ========== BORG JOKES ========== Qu. 1. Why don't the Borg go to prison? Ans. 1. Because they obey the Lore! Qu. 2. Why did the Borg cross the road? Ans. 2. Because it assimilated the chicken! Qu. 3. What did Picard say to Geordi about the broken sewing machine? Ans. 3. Make it sew! Qu. 4. Where do the Borg eat fast food? Ans. 4. At their local Borger King! --Capt. Jake Bourne (cs_d575@king.ac.uk) ========================== STAR TREK: THE NEXT LAUNCH ========================== The USS Enterprise 1701-E was about to be launched from Earth orbit. Everything was ready. The entire crew was aboard. All the equipment and accessories were fully installed and operational and loaded and ready and rarin' to go on the Superdupernova Class Flagship of the newest class of ships, which could achieve SuperDuperTransWarp Factor 9.9999999999999999999- 9999999999999999999835. Everything was ready for its maiden voyage. Nothing could go wrong. Admiral Picard and Admiral Riker sat in their seats of honor, as Captain LaForge looked over the last-minute checklist and the journalists crowded around the bridge, filming everything, including each other. "Everything's in order, sir," said Ensign Mary Kate Ashley Olsen, the newest and youngest member of the crew and happy to have had the very first line of dialog in the story. She gave an autograph to one of the journalists, accepting some gold- pressed latinum in exchange. "Very good," said Captain LaForge. "Helm, take us out." "Taking us out," Helmsman Leona Helmsley said. "Heading, sir?" Navigator Naphthalene Navratilova (that's the closest I could come) said. Captain LaForge looked over to where Picard and Riker were seated. "Your discretion," Picard said politely. LaForge nodded his thanks and said, "Bearing 123 Mark 456 by 789. Just a short trip to Pluto and back." Suddenly a beeping sound filled the bridge. The Communica- tions officer, Horace Chatterley, said, "Distress signal coming in." A sense of foreboding filled the bridge. The background music suddenly became deep and moody. Trepidatiously LaForge asked, "Aren't there any other ships in the area?" "None available, sir," Ensign Olsen said. "The ships are either on leave at Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, on patrol at the Romulan Neutral zone, or being repaired, or refitted, or..." LaForge hesitated, suddenly conspicuous. "Maintain heading. But open hailing frequencies." "Bandanna banana," Chatterley said, certain that nobody would care what he said. LaForge stood, faced the blank viewscreen and asked, "This is the Federation starship Enterprise. What's the problem?" "We are being attacked by Cardassians!" a frantic voice yelled. LaForge frowned, shaking his head. "What would aggressive Cardassians be doing so close to Earth? They would have been intercepted long before this." The voice answered, "Um--there's a strange lexus/nexus internet energy warp matrix coil space-time-life cosmic force distortion field sphere ribbon intersecting with our continuum!" "We would have detected it heading in our direction long ago," LaForge replied instantly. "The Borg must have created it right in this spot!" LaForge suppressed a laugh. "This is the most densely populated, central region of the Federation. We would have noticed them this close. Who are you guys?" "We are the Bajoran ship Whoopis." LaForge answered, "If you're Bajorans, you must know about the Bajoran aphasia virus that makes everybody spout nonsense. Why don't you use it against your attackers?" "Um--I mean, we're--uh, working for the Bajorans. We don't have the virus." "We'll send it to you." LaForge said. "Um--we won't be able to beam it over to them--the energy field sphere ribbon thingie is inhabited by those aliens from the other universe, from the episode `Schisms'." "Well, then, we'll just induce a transwarp rupture field with our warp engines," LaForge said. "That'll destabilize their harmonics." "Um--we'll need a while to prepare our engines for the ingluvial alembecs inoculating the nacelles--" "Not necessary. We'll just extend the polyunsaturated field NextGeneration coils." "Um--oh, no! The Romulans just beamed onto our bridge! We're--ahhh!" there was a scream. Chatterley said, "The signal was cut at their end." "Well I don't know about you, but I'm suspicious," said Helmsman Helmsley. "I have no idea why," Ensign Olsen said as she signed another autograph for another journalist. "We're closing in on them," Navratilova said. "Onscreen." The screen showed nothing but a blank star field. "What do the sensors show?" LaForge asked the scientological officer, Al Ronhubbard. "It's a cloaked ship." Ronhubbard said. "Inform Starfleet, see if they can't spare a space shuttle or something," LaForge said. "Okey-dokey," Chatterley said. "Another distress signal coming in from the same source." "Enterprise, you've got to help us! The Jem Hadar just put our ship in some sort of invisibility field and are about to take over our engine room!" LaForge looked around the bridge, wondering who was best qualified to handle this. The chief engineer was N. Jane Eyre, a beautiful woman who had learned cellular metamorphosis from the shapeshifters of Antos IV, and had managed to avoid going crazy like Garth had-- except for the occasional chocolate binge. LaForge told her, "Shapeshift into a Jem-Hadar. Go over there and tell them you're one of them, and you were on a secret mission. Tell them there's an emergency and they have to leave right away. Or something." "Sounds good to me," she replied as she stood up and said, "Transporter room, one to beam over." "Acknowledged," said Ensign Beemer, who was ten decks away, but he locked onto her anyway. "Oops," he said. "They just raised their shields." "Are you able to identify the ship yet?" he asked Al Ronhubbard. "Yes, I am. The USS Galackiewicz. It's held by a consortium which is controlled by a company that's supervised by a corporation whose owners are an organization regulated by an association administered by a conglomerate which is a subsidiary of Olsen and Olsen--" LaForge looked around the room, and noticed Ensign Olsen cheerfully signing more autographs for the adoring journalists. "Did you hear that?" LaForge asked, staring at the innocent young ensign, who suddenly dropped the pen she was holding. "Um--" she said, thinking fast. "It's my evil twin's doing!" she said. "Ashley Mary Kate Olsen! If you let me go over there myself I can reason with her--" "How do we know you're not the evil twin??" LaForge asked. "Um--" Mary Kate Ashley Olsen replied. LaForge turned to N. Jane Eyre. "Shapeshift into her, the rest of us will move out of camera range, and you surrender. They'll let you go over, and then you arrest her." "All right," said N. Jane Eyre. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, tapped her heels three times, and turned into the most astonishingly beautiful little girl you could ever imagine. The journalists practically swooned, gathering around her asking for autographs. She told them, "I'll give an exclusive interview to all of you as soon as I get back. But first you have to get me Gowron's autograph." "Gowron?" they were puzzled. "Who's Gowron?" "He was People magazine's Sexiest Klingon Alive last year." The journalists were already dashing to the turbolifts. Chatterley opened a hailing frequency and everybody got out of the way. Then N. Jane Eyre stood up, faced the viewscreen, surrendered, beamed over, turned into a Lavinian octopus, arrested everybody in sight, beamed back, and put them all in the brig except for Ashley Mary Kate Olsen who was brought to the bridge so she could have her big showdown with her sister. "They made us do it!" Ashley Mary Kate Olsen screamed, pointing at the only journalist who had decided to stick around. "They promised us we could have our own theme specials for every day of the year! They promised us we could have every holiday special we wanted! They promised us specials for holidays only Basques celebrate! We were gonna write our own scripts, design our own wardrobes, everything! We had to do it! The ratings were going downhill! And besides, The Enterprise has to get into trouble every time it gets launched! It's a tradition! Besides, nobody got hurt! You weren't supposed to get hurt, and this was only supposed to last long enough to fill up one commercial break, and it turned out all right after all!" "Yeah!" agreed Mary Kate Ashley Olsen. "And besides--what are you doing??" LaForge had signaled two of the security guards to take them both to the brig. "I think the Hortas would be interested in making friends with those two," he suggested. "Good idea," Picard said. So they left the girls with the Hortas, went back to get their first assignment, and everybody lived happily ever after, for the next five minutes. ---STEPHEN MENDENHALL (MFNG88B) ============================= STAR TREK: A BIT O FUN part X ============================= An Alternative Opening for Star Trek: Generations STAR TREK: A BIT O FUN part X 1 EXT. EMPTY SHADOWLESS SPACE (VFX-I) 1 A big old starfield. A speck of light appears and seems at first to be a cheap special effect, but then it starts moving towards the camera and our deepest fears are confirmed! (The details of the cheapness of the effects are left out because they are so distasteful). A small and distant cigar like object tumbles end over end, but we can't determine its brand or significance yet. Yet then again, sometimes a cigar is only a cigar...or is it? 2 EXT. MUDDY FIELD- DAYafterTHEonePRECEEDING 2 A grandiose sea of mud. We become aware of dark forms in the morning light, big dark blurs trashing away in the gunk: the two swines, err...men are standing half sunk, looking up at the sky. As we move towards them, we can see that the two men are Laurel and Hardy...Actually they are SCOTTY and CHEKOV in civilian clothing; but wouldn't you prefer to be watching the first two instead? CHEKOV (points to sky) Da plane...Da plane...Bahhhh, Its not the tourists, I think its Kirk to the south... SCOTTY (peers upward) What are ye, blind? That's a bird. (beat) Besides, what tourist would be daft enough to come here; if it's the russians, I don't want to know. They stare up at the sky. 3 EXT. SPACE (VFX-I) 3 (BLUE DANUBE WALTZ PLAYING) The cylinder spinning through space is now closer, and we can now see that it is a bottle of some sort. Some hack miscalculated the trajectory and it destroys the camera as it swoops by it. 4 EXT. YET ANOTHER MUDDY FIELD- ITS THE SAME DAY DARNIT 4 As before, Chekov and Scotty totally clueless with their noses in the air. SCOTTY (concerned) Repelling canadian black flies...listening to Vogon poetry... orbital skydiving. It's like he's a bloody madman running after his lost youth. We hear a double sonic boom. CHEKOV That should be him now. Only he can displace that much air. They put on their Raybans to shield their eyes against the sun and look up. 6 EXT. MUDDY FIELD- ITS STILL DAY 6 A man in a high-tech body bag and parachute lands in the mud flat on his back. His charred blub-suit barely contains, with the aid of a couple of strategically placed safety pins, the myth within. There are small thrusters attached to his backpack and boots. Scotty and Chekov move to him. The man removes his helmet. It's KIRK. And he's got a brand new rug on top! He smiles broadly, like a teenage boy. KIRK Right on target! I jump out over the Moscow McDonald's and I end up here. I smell... CHEKOV I don't want to question the fact that you know garbage sir, but the precise target area was the old congress building ruins 35 meters that way. (Chekov points) KIRK Thanks for pointing that out. Kirk tries to pull off his suit, but it starts to fall apart. He begins to rip it off to show everybody his rippling muscles but a sudden pain in his back stops him (thus saving the money needed to hire a body double). KIRK Oh.. SCOTTY I've warned ye about that back of yours. You cannot expect to do S&M parties with a Klingon woman at your age and still be all right the next day. You should have a doctor take a look at it. Kirk waves him away, and continues to remove his harness. CHEKOV Did you hear that wizzing sound captain. They all look up at the sky as a sonic boom is heard. Instants later a yellow stroke of light appears and then a large thud is heard. They go to the site of impact, there, in a middle of a crater dug up in the mud lies a bottle like object. SCOTTY opens the protective casing of the object and inside is a bottle with no markings on it. Scotty, a man always in search of a good bottle of anything opens the cork with a phaser and without thought to life and limb he then takes a one big gulp of it. After having *tested it* a couple more time he passes the bottle to Kirk with these words of reassurance. SCOTTY Its okay Captain, it's...it's green... He then falls unconscious. The Orion liquor is really strong, and he'll be out for a week at least (this explains in part the fact that he thinks Kirk is still alive). ---d40937@info.polymtl.ca (Nadia Dez) =================== BORG VS. MICROSOFT =================== "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?" "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea." . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'." "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase." "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed." "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ." "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !" "Data, what do your scanners show?" "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity." "Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality." . . . Two Hours Pass . . . "Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?" "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'. "How much time will that buy us ?" "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." "Identify." "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo" "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS" "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects." "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft" "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!" "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" "Lawyers !!" "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." "True, but apparently some must have survived." "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal." "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !" "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that." ============= BORG SEX LINE ============= "I am Boooooooooooonnnie of Boooooooooooooorg ... Beautiful mechanical women are just waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiting to talk to you... ONE ON ONE! Talk dirty to me, while we assimilate your manly body and your technooooooology! Have mechanical components lovingly affixed to your manly body! We're waaaaaaaaaaaaaiting ..." ---GABRIEL KOERNER ==================================== SEQUEL PREDICTIONS TO ST GENERATIONS ==================================== ** Generations II: The Wrath of Soran ** Twenty five years after being marooned in the Nexus by Captain Kirk, the evil Dr. Soran (now played by Ricardo Montalban - minus cleavage), plots his revenge by stealing a Federation starship and wrecking havoc on the crew of the Enterprise E. ** Generations III: The Search for Kirk ** Data notices a striking resemblance between the energy pattern generated by the Genesis wave, and the one generated by the Nexus. Buoyed by his findings, counselor Troi (now played by Robin Curtis) beams over, finds the infant Kirk, and raises him to retirement age in the space of about 15 minutes. Upon returning to earth, Kirk lands a job as a bingo caller on the Pacific Princess cruise ship. While there, Aaron Spelling introduces him to Dynasty vixen Joan Collins with whom he falls in love, due to her startling resemblance to lost love, Edith Keeler. Congressman Fred Grandy of California appears as Gopher, with Deforest Kelley as Doc. ** Generations IV: Whale of a Tale ** Two killer whales, disgruntled about being displaced from their own time line, maim a swimmer off the coast of San Francisco. As a result, the man is unable to have children. By wild coincidence, the child he was supposed to have, would have grown up to be Commander Will Riker. Picard travels back in time to prevent the attack on the unsuspecting swimmer. John Bobbit guest stars as "Tip" Riker. ---MARVIN DILLARD =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: RIF's Third Boffo Year!!!! THE UNOFFICIAL BORG FAQ UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 12 (Sc. 56-57) VOYAGER SCRIPT: CASTAWAYS! ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== LOCATING A COPY OF RIF! BY WORLD WIDE WEB/FTP: Copies of past issues of RIF along with a copy of the most recent release will eventually be available on the world wide web and by ftp. Stayed tuned here for more information!!! Web Sites under construction: http://marshall.edu/~SWANN1/ http://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/star-trek/fans/nif.html http://www.cs.indiana.edu/hyplan/awooldri.html BY INTERNET E-MAIL: If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail once a month (twice during special issue months!). Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. 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Also soon at the ftp site and web sites listed above. ADD ABOUT HARD COPIES. If you are having difficulties downloading or locating back issues of RIF, you can mail a self-addressed stamped legal sized envelope (enough postage to cover 1 oz. to the address on the envelope) with a blank 3.5 formatted floppy (only for PCs) toRIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308. You will receive all the RIFs released thus far PLUS more parodies and Star Trek files in order to fill the disk. What a deal, eh? What a country! LEGAL STUFF Permission to use, copy and distribute Resistance is Futile Newsletter (RIF), or parts thereof, by electronic means for any non-profit purpose is hereby granted, provided that both the above Copyright notice and this permission notice appear in all copies of the newsletter itself, and that proper credit is given for any excerpts. Any other format or purpose for distribution requires permission of the author. Reproducing RIF or parts thereof by any means implies full agreement to the above non-profit-use clause, unless upon explicit prior written permission of the author. "Star Trek" and all "Trek" related names and characters are registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures Incorporated. No infringement on that trademark registration is intended, either by RIF or by the contributors it represents. RIF exercises it's right to parody and satirize. RIF is distributed free of charge. RIF is provided "as is", and any express or implied warranties, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose are disclaimed. Resistance is Futile. Copyright (c) 1995 by Kym Masera Taborn. SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER The next Resistance is Futile (#42) will be released on or about May 1, 1995. Send submissions to Oxnardus at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. Editor-in-Chief: Oxnardus. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; Internet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR kym.taborn@space.mustang.com OR kym.taborn@44time.mustang.com; RIF BBS (805) 588-9349: Oxnardus; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308