_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 42 May 1995 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: RIF's Third Boffo Year!!!! THE UNOFFICIAL BORG FAQ UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 12 (Sc. 56-57) VOYAGER SCRIPT: CASTAWAYS! The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Hey there! This is the THIRD anniversary of Resistance is Futile Netzine. I have been at this for three boffo years. It has grown and now is read by thousands monthly. If anyone has any fond memories of the past three years and RIF, send them along and we will print them in our RIF STAR TREK MEMORIES area. What a deal, no? Why is this newsletter so late lately??? Zowie wowie, have I been receiving complaints! Let me make a blanket statement...this newsletter is produced by me as a hobby. I get no income from it and I am determined that no one need pay any monies to receive this netzine. Thus, I am donating large amounts of time to this venture. Of late, other projects have taken from my "free" time, therefore I had to "borrow" time from the production of RIF. Sooooo, don't worry...RIF will come out, it just may be a tad irregular. The dating system will remain the same, however, for record keeping purposes and I shall endeavor to have some relationship between the issue's date and actual releasing date. I have enough submitted material in my archive this very minute to ensure that RIF will continue for at least another year. So, calm down, have some cocoa, and rest assured that you will get your RIF...eventually. Bwahahahahahahaha. Now for the duties of editorship: Welcome to AmiTrek BBS (407) 348-3365 [Kissimmee, FL] for becoming a RIF Netzine distributor! It appears that Hareware Productions has taken a powder to producing regular satires. We will print the new satires as they are released and possibly go into their archive and reprint past TNG episode parodies. Long time readers will remember that we stopped in the middle of the 7th season of STNG in order to start running current Deep Space 9 and Voyager parodies. If the readership is agreeable, I could start up again in the 7th season where we left off. Let me know, okay? I may have to wait until after May 24th to start sending out the back issues. So, if you want any back issues and you haven't requested them yet, you still have time to get on the queue! ---Oxnardus ======================= THE UNOFFICIAL BORG FAQ ======================= 1. When did the Borg first appear? The Borg were first *seen* in the TNG episode "Q Who", in which Q transports the Enterprise xxxxx light years away -- 2 years at maximum warp -- from Federation space. However, their presence is felt even before that episode (much like how the Ferengi were mentioned in passing in "Encounter at Farpoint" but not seen until "The Last Outpost"), in the first-season episode "The Neutral Zone" ...in which it is learned that both Federation and Romulan outposts have been wiped off the surfaces of their respective planets (generally a good sign that the Borg have tromped through the area). 2. Are all Borg ships just big cubes? No. In "Descent" the Borg ship is a strange, asymmetrical- shaped vessel. It is possible that there was only *one* Borg "cube-ship": that the ship in "Q Who" was the same in "Best of Both Worlds" (in fact, Data notes in BOBW I that the Borg ship has the exact dimensions of the one they encountered at J25 ...in "Q Who"). The irony may lie in the fact that the Borg--whom are identical in thought and action due to one collective "hive mind"--have unique ships. (I propose this because how a Borg ship develops may depend on which starfaring cultures are encountered on a voyage; different technology, when assimilated, may require different ship configurations). (To go even further on this tangent, the "cube ship" was never observed using transwarp conduits, but the "Descent" ship was. Could this be due to one ship assimilating a culture that the other didn't?) 3. What is the "Hugh Effect"? In the TNG episode "I, Borg", the Enterprise recovers and revives a single Borg soldier and isolates him from the Collective's signal. This Borg, named "Hugh" by LaForge, starts to develop a personality of his own after being separated from the Collective. Hugh returns to the Borg at the end of the episode, but his uniqueness and self-awareness have a strange effect on the Borg, causing them to separate from the Collective and become individuals...the results of this "Hugh Effect" are featured in the TNG episode "Descent". 4. Did the Hugh Effect spread throughout the entire Borg Collective? This is probably the biggest item in debate regarding the Borg. Since "Descent" was the last episode in which the Borg were seen, no-one really knows the answer to that other than the top Trek dogs at Paramount. My theory is that the entire Borg Collective was NOT altered by the Hugh Effect. I base this theory on the following evidence: a. The Borg know how to deal with individuality. They snuff it. Case in point: the assimilation of Picard into Locutus in "Best of Both Worlds". b. The Borg adapt VERY quickly. This has been shown in "Q Who" and "Best of Both Worlds", and has not been disputed in the other episodes. c. The Borg have redundant systems. For example, in BOBW, we saw how the Borg had multiple power conduits aboard their ship, and LCDR Shelby has a line in which she states that a Borg ship may continue to function even if 70%+ of it is damaged. This indicates that the Borg do not put all their eggs in one basket (so to speak); wouldn't other parts of the Collective still function if a part is lost? Yes: we still saw the Borg even after the cube ship was destroyed in BOBW II. 5. Where are the Borg originally from? The exact race or planet is unknown; what IS known is that they are from the Delta Quadrant. 6. Hey--the USS Voyager's in the Delta Quadrant! Check out the big brain on Brad! Yes it is. Whether or not the Voyager will encounter the Borg is another hot debate. Folks on r.a.s.c. have quoted "reliable sources" saying that there WILL (eventually) be a Voyager/Borg episode, while other "reliable sources" have said there will NEVER be such a thing. It's kinda like that "will there ever be a Trek movie with both the TOS and TNG cast in it" debate. And if history repeats itself, we can expect to see the Voyager encounter the Borg...but it won't be a very good episode. 7. Could the Borg be related to V'Ger? Unlikely. Although a "machine planet" was referred to in ST:TMP, the Borg generally aren't gregarious enough to repair drifting space probes and set them loose again. Besides, it's a LARGE galaxy. (Although the machines responsible for the creation of V'Ger may also have also created the Borg). 8. What about the "Doomsday Machine" from TOS? Nope. You've been reading the novel "Vendetta", which is NOT canon. (Though a pretty good book) 9. Okay...well, what's the deal with the baby Borg seen in "Q Who"? Another debated item. In "Q Who", an Away Team beams aboard the Borg vessel and happens upon a type of 'nursery' in which an infant with Borg-like attachments is found. It is not known if this creature belonged to the original Borg race, or was assimilated along with another culture. Some folks have made the good point that assimilating infants would be a waste of resources (because they would be nonproductive for a long period of time). I tend to agree with these folks, but since each Borg soldier is partially organic (and --unless we're eventually told otherwise-- *mortal*), the Collective would need to replace them if they died of extreme age ("wear-and-tear") or if the Collective lost a significant number of soldiers to a culture that either could NOT be assimilated (perhaps like Odo's people, the Founders) or decided that death beats assimilation and destroyed themselves, leaving no humanoids to assimilate. So, the Borg would have a back-up system to replace soldiers that could not be replaced by assimilation: incubating their own young. Of course, here we go again with the "drain on resources" problem, but if the infant's growth could be accelerated (like we saw with the Jem'Hadar youth on a recent episode of DS9), the down time would be reduced. If a custom-made Borg could be cloned and grown in a fraction of the time an alien infant could be assimilated, altered, and grown, then why bother assimilating the young of other cultures? And no, I severely doubt that these Borg infants would be created through sexual reproduction (which --from the Collective's point of view-- would be a waste of time and energy). Infants would be created via cloning to ensure that each Borg soldier (or at least, the non-assimilated Borg soldiers) were identical in strength and agility. What they do with the weak, sick, and infirm members of an assimilated civilization is probably one of the more graphic and unsavory things that *hasn't* been shown. Regardless of what I think, the debate will continue. 10. Will the TNG crew encounter the Borg again? Quite possibly. One of the biggest rumors is that one of the potential movie scripts involves the Borg. If this script will be accepted by the Powers That Be, or which future movie it will be based upon are unknown. 11. Why are they called "Borg"? Because they're cyBORGs. Not the most original name, IMO. 12. What's with the "Gay Borg" thread on r.a.s.c.? Somebody posed a question about Borg gender and sexual orientation which led to that incredibly silly thread. 13. So...are there any gay Borgs? (sound of hand smacking forehead) 14. Who are these people claiming to be "so-and-so of Borg" and posting really wacky stuff on the Trek newsgroups? Bedwetters. Next! 15. If the Borg are from the Delta quadrant why haven't they assimilated all of the worlds that Voyager has encountered? The galaxy's a big place, and lo-tech civilizations wouldn't attract the Borg from afar like the high-tech ones would. Besides, from what we've seen in all the Borg episodes, the Borg are much, much closer to the Alpha Quadrant (and Federation space) than Voyager is. 16. But supposedly Neelix knows a lot about the Delta Quadrant! Why hasn't he heard of the Borg? Nobody has asked him yet. And, as we're finding out in the episodes, he doesn't appear to know jack about much more than cooking. ---jake@mystech.mystech.com (Cal Jacobson) ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= [Scene 56. Interior Shot. The kitchen of a farmhouse. Outside the window over the washbasin, we can see that the house is in the middle of a prairie out in the midst of nowhere. Off to one side, if looked at from the proper angle out the window, can be seen a large barn, three railroad cars in length, with lightning rods, weather vanes, and other odd looking equipment stacked on the roof. Inside, two young boys sit at the kitchen table. One is reading from an oversized, leather-bound, book. The cover reads "De revolutionibus orbium caelestium -- Nicolaus Copernicus." The other is eating from what appears to be a bowl of corn flakes. The one eating the corn flakes is obviously the younger of the two. His feet do not reach the ground and he swings them about underneath the table. Sitting below this boy is a scruffy dog. Working at the kitchen counter is a black-haired woman in her late 30's/early 40's. She moves about the room, deftly stepping over the dog when he gets underfoot and putting plates on the table, getting things ready for breakfast. She walks by a picture frame that appears to have a newspaper in it. The camera stays on the frame, and suddenly the woman moves back into view. She gasps and grabs the picture off the wall.] CLARA: Jules! Verne! Come here! [The two boys get up from the table and run over.] JULES: What is it, Mother? CLARA: Boys, take this out to the barn. Your father will want to see it. BOTH BOYS: Yes, mother. [Jules grabs the picture frame and runs out the front door. Verne is right behind him.] CLARA: Great Scott! [Scene Change. Interior Shot. The interior of a large barn. Sitting in the middle of the barn is a Plymouth Volare. 'Doc' Emmett Brown is pacing around the car, studying it from every angle. Staying largely out of his way are Marty McFly and Spin Tannen. Suddenly, the front doors burst open and Jules and Verne come in.] BOYS: Papa! Look! DOC: Boys! Shut that door, that door must always remain closed! [Verne goes and carefully shuts the door.] OC: Now, what's the problem? JULES: [out of breath] Mom said to bring this to you right away. [He hands Doc the newspaper in a frame.] DOC: This is heavy! Marty, come take a look at this. [As Marty rushes over to stand by the Doc, the camera focuses in on the newspaper. It's a copy of the Hill Valley Gazette, dated July 22, 1969. The Banner Headline across the top reads 'Final Apollo Rocket Scrapped!'*] {* Historical note: July 22, 1969 is a few days after the first moon landing. I include this information as a gratuity to my readers, as I spent several hours looking it up on the net myself.} MARTY: Great Scott! Doc, what does this mean? DOC: Marty! I don't know. I doubt that the simple recreation of my time machine could have caused all this. Unless, something you and Spin did already could have that wide an affect. MARTY: No, Doc, we came right here. I knew there'd be trouble with just driving it around. I thought you might know what to do. DOC: Well then, there's obviously something wrong with the space/time continuum. I keep this and other newspapers around to watchdog the future, in case anything like this should happen. SPIN: Well, what can we do? DOC: We can get in this contraption of yours and see if we can fix what once went wrong. [As he utters that line, the Doc pauses and looks off in the distance.] MARTY: Doc, what is it? DOC: I don't know, it just seems to me I've heard that line before. Well, never mind, we have to go. SPIN: Where are we going? [The Doc pauses as he is getting in the car....] DOC: Back to the Future! [He points off in some random direction, then gets in the car.] DOC: Get in! [Marty and Spin scramble to get in the car. Doc starts it up and rolls down the window.] DOC: Jules! Verne! Tell your mother I've gone to 1969, and I should be back before dinner! [With that, he rolls up the window and drives out the back of the barn. He accelerates off into the distance, and leaves a double streak of flames through the field.] [Scene 57. Interior Shot. The office of Oscar Goldman, chief of operations at OSS. Sam is sitting behind the desk, with a huge stack of papers on it. Al is pacing back and forth behind him.] AL: Sam, this isn't getting us anywhere. SAM: I know, but I have to go through these by hand until Ziggy manages to break into the computer. What's taking him so long anyway? AL: That, spot of tea thing, remember... SAM: Oh yeah, that. Anyway, these are the files of every MD and PhD who works for the government in any way. AL: Yes, but we're not even sure these are the people we're looking for. SAM: You have a better idea? AL: No. SAM: Good, now look over this one, Dr. Clayton Forrester... [There's a knock at the door.] SAM: Come in. [The door opens and a blonde bombshell of a secretary walks in. She sexily walks to the desk, sits on the edge, crosses her legs, tosses her hair back, and smiles at Sam. Al goes into convulsions.] SECRETARY: There's someone here to see you, sir, but he doesn't have an appointment. SAM: Well, who is it? SECRETARY: He says his name is Gary Seven, and he brought his secretary with him. AL: [punching buttons] Checking Sam..... SAM: um.... AL: Um, Ziggy says that he's a private investigator from New York. Specializes in touchy cases that involve espionage usually. OSS has worked with him a couple of times before. SAM: Send him in. SECRETARY: Ok. [She walks out of the room, Al begins to follow her lecherously, but Sam shoots him a look, and Al stays behind. A few moments later, Gary Seven and Roberta Lincoln walk in.] SAM: [Standing up.] Mr. Seven, have a seat. What can I do to help you? GARY: Mr. Goldman, there's a problem, and I don't know if you're aware of it, but you are definitely in the best position to help fix it. SAM: What's the problem? GARY: Roberta? [Roberta steps forward with a small cube. She places it on the desk and aligns it slightly. Then she presses the top of the cube, and steps back. The cube begins to glow a bright blue, the lights in the room dim, and a hologram is displayed into the middle of the room. Al, walks over to it amazed.] AL: Sam, there's no way anyone in this century has this kind of technology. We don't have it in our century. [Al walks through the projection and is defocused quite a bit. It looks like something is interfering with his pattern. Sam makes an abortive gesture, but stops when Al comes out looking fine, but looking around him in a perplexed way.] GARY: Mr. Goldman, I know you don't understand how I've generated this, but you'll have to trust me. [He walks over to the hologram.] This is the Kennedy Space Center at noon today. [The hologram shows what looks to be an Saturn V rocket being removed from it's platform and dismantled.] SAM: How... GARY: You're wondering how I got this picture. [He of course is wrong, Sam was wondering how something like the destruction of the last Saturn V rocket could happen at this critical juncture of the nation's space program, but Gary couldn't possibly have that information. The real Oscar Goldman would have been wondering how Gary got the picture, so it's almost as good.] Let's just say that I have very good resources. SAM: [nods .] Ok. GARY: Good, the problem here is, that this isn't supposed to be what's happening. This country is supposed to be on the verge of it's greatest triumph in spaceflight history so far. Let me show you. [He nods at Roberta, who touches another face of the cube. The hologram changes to show a 3-d enhanced version of Neil Armstrong's first moon walk.] GARY: I made this tape myself, from files aboard a ship called the Enterprise. They intercepted me on my way here to start my mission. SAM: On your way here. Are they around? I'd like to talk to them. GARY: I'm sorry, Mr. Goldman. You misunderstand. My mission, which I have been carrying out for the past few years has been to monitor the people of Earth and keep them from destroying themselves too soon. SAM: Too soon. GARY: Well, not at all, hopefully, but especially not before they've had a chance to get out into the galaxy and meet the other races that are out there. SAM: You mean, you're from another planet? GARY: No, I'm from Earth. A long time ago I was taken from my home to another planet 1000's of light years from here. I was trained, and returned to safeguard the Earth from itself. AL: This guy's for real, Sam. I just checked and Ziggy finds conflicting reports about whether the moon landing even happened. He has found records that indicate that this did happen though. SAM: How could this happen? GARY I'm not sure, Mr. Goldman. AL: Ziggy thinks it's another part of this paradox cross- streams multi-solipsism thing. [He's waving his arms about trying to describe it.] It's getting worse, and things are starting to really get messed up. There's one good thing. SAM: What's that? GARY: I said I wasn't sure. AL: Ziggy's stopped worrying about tea. SAM: *sighs* GARY: My information shows that the entire space program is being scrapped. There were no signs of this happening at all until a week ago. I traced the vectors through time that created this mishap and traced them to you. The question is, why haven't you had Steve Austin placed in the bionic man program? Why haven't you rebuilt him? SAM: But, Mr. Seven, Steve Austin died in a plane crash a week ago today. How could I have put him in the program? GARY: What?! This is impossible! Mr. Goldman, would it be all right with you if I inspected the crash site myself. AL: Let him, Sam, this may be the help we've been looking for. SAM: Yes, I can take you there myself right now. GARY: Ok, then, let's go. [Gary, Roberta, and Sam stand up and leave the office. Al, follows them out, walking through the door they close behind them.] To be continued... ========================== VOYAGER SCRIPT: CASTAWAYS! ========================== [The scene: A computer generated backdrop of space, with the Voyager travelling across] VOICE OF JANEWAY: Captains log, stardate XXXX. Voyager has just finished replenishing our supplies on an M class planet we have discovered in this quadrant. The natives were quite hospitable and crew morale is at an all time high since we have embarked upon this journey. [Scene shift to the bridge where the crew is laughing and joking in the background. Janeway looks pleased but reserved, as usual] VOICE OF JANEWAY: I hope that our newfound luck is a harbinger of better times to come. Ensign Kim: Captain we are picking up a distress call from the planet. The signal appears to be fairly recent, but it has already begun to deteriorate. MAN'S VOICE: (Crackling with static) Ion storm... out of nowhere ... crew ... only first officer and science officer and myself left... all but four passengers killed...ship breaking up... mayday... (signal fades) Janeway: I know that voice... Ensign Kim do we have a fix on their location? Ensign Kim: Negative Captain. The transmission appears to have been sent from a location several light years away. Janeway: And yet you said that the signal was fairly recent... Ensign Kim: I know, It doesn't make sense... Janeway: In any case, there is probably nothing we can do other than continue on our present course. Tuvok: Long range sensors detect no other craft in the surrounding area, but I am picking up nonindigenous lifesigns on the planet below. Janeway: Describe the planet's surface. Tuvok: 95% of the planet's surface is covered with water. The other 5% is made up of isolated volcanic islands. The atmosphere is made a nitrous oxygen compound, with traces of hydrogen and carbon dioxide. Janeway: And the lifeforms? Tuvok: Humanoid. I detect three females and four males. Paris: Those are good sensors! (Janeway shoots him a dirty look) Tuvok: I am also picking up wreckage of a small passenger space craft. Janeway: Chakotay, you have the bridge. Torres, Kim, Tuvok, Paris, come with me. Chakotay: Hey! Who is going to operate the bridge consoles? Janeway: (Thinks and then shrugs) Since when has that been an issue? [A nameless ensign in the transporter room jumps and looks busy as Janeway enters with the crew member from the bridge and another nameless ensign with a worried but resigned expression) Janeway: Six to beam down, there are seven people stranded on the planet below. Transporter Ensign: Wouldn't be easier just to beam them up. Tuvok: That would seem logical... (tails off a Janeway shoots him a dirty look. The rest look puzzled ) Janeway: Regulations clearly state that in any potentially life threatening situation, an away party must be transported, including, but not limited to one nameless ensign. (nameless ensign shivers) Paris: (aside to Kim) ever notice, no matter how many ensigns get killed, there are always plenty left to spare. (Kim points to his lone pip) Sorry, I forgot. [The party beams down into lush tropical surroundings. A ship, almost completely intact is lying on the shore) Janeway: Torres, report. Torres: The ship's hull is barely damaged, sir. I could probably fix this with chewing gum. Janeway: And yet, the transmission stated that the science officer survived... Torres: He must not be very competent, sir. Janeway: Can you make out any markings... Torres: It appears to be the USS Minnow, which vanished two years ago while on a three hour tour of the Maui system. Janeway: I knew the captain's voice sounded familiar. Paris: Really? What is his name? Janeway: (frowns) I...don't...remember... [At that moment a giant snake jumps out of the brush and swallows the screaming nameless ensign. The rest of the party stares blankly then starts shooting at the snake with their phasers.] [Cut to a cliff in the distance, where a portly man in a white shirt and a dark cap is watching the landing party through a pair of binoculars made out of bamboo. A skinny man in a red shirt and white hat comes up and grabs the binoculars, choking the other man in the process. The portly man grabs the binoculars and hits the skinny man repeatedly with his cap]. Skinny Man: What is going on down there, skipper? Skipper: (Stops hitting the skinny man and embraces him instead) We're being rescued, little buddy! [Later, that evening, crew is seated around a fire pit. The tattered remains of the snake roasting on a spit. The crew has been joined by the portly captain, his skinny companion, and older couple, the science officer, and two attractive young ladies. Everyone is excited and talking over each other.] Captain: ...the ion storm came out of nowhere, buffeting the ship, most of my crew and the passengers were killed by the impact. I sent the distress signal, and then felt the ship being sucked though a vortex... The controls were spinning and spinning... Red Haired Woman: If it weren't for the courage of the fearless crew... Captain: The next thing I knew we had crash landed on this uncharted planet. Scientist: ...and when the ship impacted with the planets surface, the replicators became all but inoperative... Kim: all but inoperative? Scientist: It seems they are now only capable of replicating women's clothing. [The women point out their fresh looking frocks, which contrast sharply with the men clothes, which have obviously been worn every day for the past two years]. Scientist: Actually, women's undergarments are quite comfortable. (Kim nods understandingly) Torres: I see you created several ingenious devices to increase your odds for survival. (Scientist smiles) So why were you not able to repair the damage to your ship? Scientist: (look abashed) I never gave it much thought... Janeway: In any case, my crew can repair the damage and you may travel with us. I'm afraid our circumstances are not much better than your own, but maybe together we can find our way home. [Space backdrop. Voyager zips by again, this time tailed by the newly repaired Minnow.] Janeway's voice: Stardate (XXXX+1). We have repaired the Minnow it has now joined us in our long trek through space. It had been suggested that we leave the Minnow behind, and allow the castaways to join our crew, but supplies are low and the captain, like all captains, was unwilling the leave his ship behind. [Shift to captain a desk. She turns off the recorder] Janeway: Besides, the last thing I need is those two pretty young things running around on my ship. [Cut to bridge] Kim: (looks annoyed) We are being hailed by the Minnow. Again. Chakotay: (clutching his chair and clenching his teeth) On screen. [The old couple appears on screen, sitting is lounge chairs and sipping drinks filled with chunks of fruit and mini parasols.] Husband: Ah this is the life.... Chakotay: How may I help you two this time. Husband: Your ship is blocking our view, would you mind moving a little to the left. Chakotay: Most definitely not! Wife: There is no need to shout. What poor breeding. [screen returns to front view] Chakotay: Good, THEY hung up this time, don't think I could stand another transmission from them. Torres: (looking at the entrance to the bridge) I don't think that will be a problem... (the elderly couple enters the bridge carry their drinks and chairs) Husband: So I said to Lovey, we can still enjoy the view, from here! (they arrange the chairs in front of the view screen) Chakotay: I am giving you three seconds to get off of my bridge! Husband: Young man, do you have any idea who I am? Chakotay: No, nor do I care! Husband: I am Thurston P. Howell III! I am one of the richest men in the universe! Paris: You were one of the richest men in the world. Mr. Howell: What do you mean! Paris: Remember that Ferengi space station you bought. Mr. Howell: Yes... Paris: It crashed into the center of the New York city on earth, killing millions and demolishing several buildings, including Howell Enterprises. I think there are a great many people who are going to be "happy" to know that you are still alive... (Mr. Howell turns green and picks up his chair) Mr. Howell: Come, Lovey, let's go back to the Minnow. I need teddy...(Mrs. Howell starts to leave, but walks up the Chakotay, licks her handkerchief and start rubbing his face with it) Mrs. Howell: just a minute, this stain is starting to come off this poor boy's face. (Chakotay scowls and pushes her away) [Paris is walking down the hall with the brunette from the planet] Brunette: Thanks for showing me around your ship, Mr. Paris. Paris: My pleasure, Miss... Brunette: Call me Mary Anne. Paris: Very well Mary Anne, call me Tom. Would you like to see my Cardassian etchings? Mary Anne: I'd like that very much. (Paris opens the door of this cabin to find his bed occupied by the redhead, a sheet draped over her otherwise bare body) Redhead: It's been so long, take me now! Mary Anne: You!!! You!!!! (fight ensues) Paris: Now, now, girls. There is plenty of me to go around. (Both girls stop fighting and start throwing things at him, he ducks into the corridor when the sounds of fighting can still be heard) Paris: Darn, if only she had waited another hour like she was supposed to... [Janeway is sitting in her cabin reading 16th century English poetry and wondering why all starfleet captains read 16th century English poetry] Chakotay's Voice: Chakotay to captain, we have detected three approaching vessels. They are travelling at warp 5 on a intercept course. Janeway: (Looks at her watch) I still have two minute left on my break. Chakotay's Voice: Stupid starfleet bimbo! Torres's voice: Ah, Chakotay, I don't think you turned your communicator off.. Janeway: (Mad) I'll be right over Mr. Chakotay! Chakotay's voice: Oops, that ugly hag is probably going to screech at me with that whiny, nasally voice of hers. Torres's voice: I still don't think you've turned it off completely. [Later Janeway is on the bridge] Janeway: Ensign Kim, hail the flag ship. [A fat laughing man appears on the commscreen. There are electrical circuits and brackets hooked to his pasty with flesh] Crew: BORG! Janeway: ...but like no borg we've ever seen... Fat Man: Greeting, humans, I am comrade McMahan and you may have already been chosen to be assimilated! Chakotay: Let's get out of here! Janeway: Raise shield, turn to port, warp 9. [Another ship cuts off their escape] Kim: We are being hailed! Janeway: On screen! Borg: Hello, my name was Dave Rhodes. On stardate 1989 my shuttle craft was repossessed and the bill collector were hounding me like crazy... Torres: FOR LOVE OF GOD! TURN THAT OFF! (Kim turns off screen) Crew: Thank you! Kim: Captain, we are being hailed by the Minnow! Janeway: On screen! [The seven castaways are on the bridge of the Minnow looking forlorn] Skipper: Save yourselves! Janeway: We won't leave you! Skipper: Our ship doesn't stand a chance, it is old and weak. We'll draw their fire while you get away. Janeway: (sadly) I suppose it's the only thing for us to do. I wish there was another way... Skipper: Save yourselves! Skipper Out! (screen goes blank) Janeway: (Winks at the crew) You don't have to twist my arm to get me to sacrifice a bunch of strangers. (The crew laughs merrily) [As the voyager bravely runs away, the Minnow is buffeted with beams from the borg ships. Just as the shields begin to glow and buckle, the Minnow ducks and the borg beams hit each others ships, polish firing squad style. All three ships explode at once, creating a massive explosion.] Janeway: Any sign of the Minnow? Kim: None. [The crew of the voyager hangs their heads somberly.] Janeway: No loafing on the clock, get back to work. (She leave to return to her cabin) Chakotay: Heartless old biddy (looks at his lapel) Torres: I believe you communicator really is turned off this time. [Chakotay smiles and looks relieved.] [Meanwhile on the other side of the galaxy: the crew of the Minnow rise from the floor of the bridge, where they had been tossed) Gilligan: What happened! Professor: Sensors show were are 75 light years from the position we were at in the explosion. Skipper: Where are we exactly? (The professor looks at the control in shock) Professor: We are .5 light years from earth's orbit! [The crew of the Minnow screams and jump up and down] [Space drop etc.. etc...] Janeway's Voice: Captain's log, stardate (XXXX+2). We knew the crew of the Minnow for only a short time, but their sacrifice has touched our hearts forever. We are no closer to being home, but if we ever do make it, we shall honor the memories of Gilligan, the Skipper too, the millionaire and his wife, the movie star, the professor and all the rest. (beat) I hope in my heart that they have found peace. For if they have, they have truly made it home... ---Weikel@Fwva.Saic.Com (Monika Weikel) =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Bumper Stickers NEBULA BRAND COFFEE STAR TREK: TNG MEETS VOYAGER UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 13 (Sc. 58-60) ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== LOCATING A COPY OF RIF! BY WORLD WIDE WEB/FTP: Copies of past issues of RIF along with a copy of the most recent release will eventually be available on the world wide web and by ftp. Stayed tuned here for more information!!! Web Sites under construction: http://marshall.edu/~SWANN1/ http://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/star-trek/fans/nif.html http://www.cs.indiana.edu/hyplan/awooldri.html BY INTERNET E-MAIL: If you have an Internet e-mail address you can have RIF sent to you via e-mail once a month (twice during special issue months!). Just e-mail your request to Oxnardus and your name will be put on the subscription list. BY LOCAL BBS: There are various BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): RESISTANCE IS FUTILE (805) 588-9349 [Bakersfield, CA] RIPCITY BBS (516) 243-1698 [Long Island, NY] THE Q CONTINUUM (405) 282-4676 [Oklahoma] AMITREK BBS (407) 348-3365 [Kissimmee, FL] U.S.S. NEXUS BBS (604) 574-1523 [B.C., Canada] THE X-FACTOR (616) 381-1124 [Kalamazoo, MI] BCSM BBS (617) 864-3375 [Boston, MA] THE INKWELL (703) 548-1507 [Alexandria, VA] DA WARREN (805) 854-2478 [Arvin, CA] BEYOND THE REALM (805) 987-5506 [Camarillo, CA] COUNTDOWN TO CHAOS (905) 574-2467 [Hamilton ON CAN] MEDIAFOTO BBS (+47) 22372038 [Oslo, SWEDEN] If you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (address given below). There is a plan afoot to put RIF in the data banks of GEnie, AoL, and Compuserve. Stay tuned for more information... Back issues of RIF are available at RIF BBS, 24hrs, 14,400bps and lower at (805) 588-9449 or at the other fine BBSes listed above. Also soon at the ftp site and web sites listed above. ADD ABOUT HARD COPIES. If you are having difficulties downloading or locating back issues of RIF, you can mail a self-addressed stamped legal sized envelope (enough postage to cover 1 oz. to the address on the envelope) with a blank 3.5 formatted floppy (only for PCs) toRIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308. You will receive all the RIFs released thus far PLUS more parodies and Star Trek files in order to fill the disk. What a deal, eh? What a country! LEGAL STUFF Permission to use, copy and distribute Resistance is Futile Newsletter (RIF), or parts thereof, by electronic means for any non-profit purpose is hereby granted, provided that both the above Copyright notice and this permission notice appear in all copies of the newsletter itself, and that proper credit is given for any excerpts. Any other format or purpose for distribution requires permission of the author. Reproducing RIF or parts thereof by any means implies full agreement to the above non-profit-use clause, unless upon explicit prior written permission of the author. "Star Trek" and all "Trek" related names and characters are registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures Incorporated. No infringement on that trademark registration is intended, either by RIF or by the contributors it represents. RIF exercises it's right to parody and satirize. RIF is distributed free of charge. RIF is provided "as is", and any express or implied warranties, including, but not limited to, the implied warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose are disclaimed. Resistance is Futile. Copyright (c) 1995 by Kym Masera Taborn. SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER The next Resistance is Futile (#43) will be released on or about June 1, 1995 (Hey! That's my birthday!). Send submissions to Oxnardus at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. Editor-in-Chief: Oxnardus. Genie:K.Taborn; Prodigy:HCMH17A; Internet: k.taborn@genie.geis.com OR kym.taborn@space.mustang.com OR kym.taborn@44time.mustang.com; RIF BBS (805) 588-9349: Oxnardus; US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308