_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 http://marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html ftp://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 44 July 1995 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Really, really big news! YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED: Bumper Stickers Seen on the 1701-E THE EPISODE THEY DARED NOT SHOOT: Q Confuses Crew HERE'S MY WHINE: Kirk:Lost in the Nextsix? No, just deep-sixed. STAR TREK: TOS MEETS VOYAGER UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 14 (Sc. 61-62) ANOTHER PARODY The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== June was a big media month for RIF. On page 38 of the hardcopy version of Netrek, RIF is listed as a Star Trek resource on the internet. The publishers claim they have collected the top 30% of what can be found in Trekdom on the net. Now I have proof that there is at least one other person who thinks RIF is hot stuff!! If you have the bucks, buy the book. It's a fascinating read. If you don't have the bucks, go to Paul Swann's web page (http://www.marshall.edu/~SWANN1), and jump from there to the Netrek web page. It's a wild way to spend an afternoon. June also saw not only a big write up on RIF netzine, but also an interview of moi in the "Argo Info", Michigan's definitive Star Trek publication. I am in the process of getting permission to distribute reprints of the articles. If you'd like copies, just holler. As always, my addresses are listed at the end of RIF. ---Oxnardus ======================= YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED ======================= BUMPER STICKERS SEEN ON THE NCC-1701-E -------------------------------------- "Our other starship separates into 2 pieces!" "No GREEN chicks!" "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!" "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!" "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!" "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical." "If you can read this...don't you think you're a WEE-bit too close?" "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?" "We brake for cubes!" "Wesley On Board!" ---Swannox of Borg (JPRN49A@PRODIGY.COM); or (http://www.marshall.edu/~SWANN1/) ================================ THE EPISODE THEY DARED NOT SHOOT ================================ Here is a promo for a show that will never be seen on Star Trek: The Next Generation (at least not in this quantum universe): ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION... (Picard and Beverly in Picard's bedroom. A candlelit dinner is set up and Picard and Beverly share a kiss...) Crusher: Jean-Luc, there's something I've always wanted to tell you... <<>> Q: Oh, am I interrupting something? THE CREW'S NEMESIS PAYS A RETURN VISIT... (Picard and Q in ready room) Picard: Just what is it you want, Q? Q: Only your sanity. (snaps finger) (The Enterprise is flung through space at great speed and comes to a stop who knows where) Picard: What is this place? Q: You'll find out. Q TAKES THE ENTERPRISE CREW PRISONER... (Worf chases a strange man. The man swats him back with a karate chop that sends Worf flying through the air.) (Troi runs screaming through the corridors, chased by a large, white weather balloon. Suddenly she stops dead, the corridor ahead a dead end. The balloon roars triumphantly and surges forward. Troi screams before she is suffocated.) (On the bridge, Picard and Riker stare back uneasily at a glowering man wearing brown trousers, a dinner jacket and sneakers.) Picard: Deal with this man, number 1. Glowering man (glares at Riker): So YOU'RE Number One! (Lunges for Riker's Throat) (In a cargo bay, Riker confronts a tall man wearing a fancy smoking jacket and sporting a large nose) Riker: Who are you? Tall Man: I'm the Doctor. Riker: Doctor who? Tall Man: I suppose that will do. Riker: I asked you a question! Doctor who? Tall Man: If you wish. Riker: I've had enough! Prepare for some ambu-jitsu! Tall Man: Ackahieeeee! (A swift blow to Riker's shoulder leaves the officer gasping on the floor, paralysed) Ambu-jitsu's good, but no match for Venusian Karate! (In a corridor, Ro is talking with a young, well tanned woman wearing a skimpy outfit made of animal skins. Ro glares devilishly at Riker's back) Ro: How much do you want for these Janis thornes? CAN THE ENTERPRISE CREW SURVIVE Q'S LATEST PLOT WITH THEIR SANITY INTACT? (Keiko in her room) Voice: Mrs. O'Brien? (Keiko gasps, turns to look at an immaculately dressed gentleman, complete with bowler hat and black umbrella. The man smiles at Keiko) Man: We're needed, Mrs. O'Brien! OR WILL THEY FACE TOTAL DESTRUCTION? (On the viewer, 20 X-wing fighters soar into view, each twice the size of the Enterprise) FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION!! ---E.BOW@GENIE.GEIS.COM [James Bow] =============== HERE'S MY WHINE =============== [RIF introduces a semi-regular feature where Star Trek fans and enemies can get those annoying grievances about Trek off their chest in a peaceful, orderly fashion without causing harm, flames, or global destruction.] Kirk:Lost in the Nextsix? No, just deep-sixed. ----------------------------------------------- Here's my whine. In the Trek movies thus far, there has been no continuity for acting Captains. Kirk sort of got in there again in ST:V, but not really. There hasn't been a movie where the captain of the Enterprise just got to do his thing. And now he never will. Finally Picard makes it to film, and now we find the Enterprise D being blown away, and realize that Picard will probably have to push paper now. I guess that's ok, but the movies got stuck in that mire. The comic books, novels, and imagination were always pushing ahead, but the Captains get railroaded. Exploration in the films does not exist, unless you count that dreck ST:V somehow. Let's have an adventure with a Captain, someone securely in command! A Sulu movie WOULD be cool for this reason. Excerpts and tidbits from the next six films follows... Star Trek: Generations II: Troi: Get back your command Jean-Luc, get it back before it's too late. (bleaaa...not again!!!)...It's our old enemy the borg..." "From pentium's heart we transmit our last baud to thee..." Data saves the Enterprise E crew by uploading shapes to the borg when suddenly, the ship's computer breaks down. Upon the transmission of Rubik's Multi-Dimensional Space Manifold, his head explodes in Geordi's hands. Star Trek: Generations III The Search for Data (commonly known as "Data's Brain") The Enterprise E blows up (what was the point?) and they grab a borg ship...leave for the borg homeworld where they left Data's body ( Why? who knows?) and resurrect Data by transmitting the contents of Geordi's visor into Data's rusty corpse, which has miraculously grown a new head. (Anything's possible on planet Gates!) While rummaging around on the planet, Geordi finds new bionic fingers, and eyes! Too bad he's deaf too. Star Trek: Generations IV The Voyage Home Using the borg ship they travel back in time to 1996 to grab an uncolorized version of "It's a Wonderful Life", which under public protest made it back to store shelves briefly, because a huge space entity (a Space Slug, ok WHALE, but it's not a whale because it's in space!!!) that visited in 1972 wants to see the original print while drinking Jolt cola. With the assistance of Jane Fonda and Ted Turner, the crew is successful and the borg ship is even hooked up for cable! This movie is the most successful for Generations because people really like the humorous cut-ups. Especially Data posing as a mannequin in the department store and Geordi trying on Walkmans. Not to mention the zany effects of Jolt cola on caffeine-free Deanna Troi. The movie ends with Q rodeo-broncing the space slug in Times Square. If said public had actually bought the black and white Capra film, it could have been avoided. Star Trek: Generations V The Gamma Quadrant It will be a big bomb because Jonathan Frakes will direct it and unfortunately it does no justice to the return of the Voyager. The plot doesn't matter much, suffice to say they end up shooting God again on their way back. At least the big shiner Mulgrew gives Frakes makes the news. Star Trek: Generations VI Much Lauded because it features the same director of the cool movie about the Borg, and features the retirement of the Generations cast. Basically, it's those pesky Borg again! Star Trek: Star Fleet Academy (Generations VII) The introduction to the big screen of romantically-driven plotlines, featuring the cast of the latest TV series. Picard will die, so people won't want to see it, but the special effects will be cool, especially the close-up of the new Captain, played by Pamela Anderson, hitting the communicator button on her bathing-suit. ---umsharif@cc.umanitoba.ca (Khaled Yosef Shariff) ================= TOS MEETS VOYAGER ================= Captain's Log: I have notified Starfleet with the following response that Captain Spock had made on the bridge when they ordered my ship to put into retirement. Go to h*ll I told them. Boy did they get mad. They were so annoyed with that response that they refuse to let us dock with Space-dock when we finally arrived in the morning. Kirk Out. Kirk: Well Mr. Spock, where shall we go now? Spock: Life is short Jim, why not- (Chekov breaks in . . .) Chekov: Keptin! Look! Kirk: (Shocked.) My . . . G*d . . . What is that? Spock: How the heck should I know Jim? (On the screen appears a big Borg cube.) Uhura: If I didn't know any better I would say that is a big giant ice cube out there. Spock: For Once Commander you are right. Uhura: Really . . . Really? You're not just- Kirk: Stop it Uhura . . . Hail them. Uhura: Is that all I am good for? Kirk: Well . . . Yes! Uhura: Message coming in . . . (On the screen appears Steve Urkel!) Urkel: Wow! What a ship! Where is Laura? Kirk: This is Captain- (Cut off by Urkel.) Urkel: I know who you are! You are Kirk and your ship is the Enterprise; however, you have not answered my question. Where is my Laura? (Kirk turns to Spock. Spock shrugs.) Spock: I honestly don't know what he is talking about. Kirk: This could be serious . . . Spock: It is . . . Kirk: What do you mean? Spock: Well one shot from that cube can do one of two things to us. Kirk: What Spock? Spock: Either destroy us where we stand or send us forward through time? Chekov: Vhy not back? Spock: I don't know why. This is a Mitchell story. Chekov: Vhy not Mitchell? Mitchell: Because that is the way I want it. Got that Ensign? Chekov: (Gulps.) Yes. Uhura: Sir shall I return the hail? Kirk: Yes. (taps his chair.) Scotty be ready on weapons. Scotty: Aye Captain! Kirk: Mr. Urkel I do not have anyone here named Laura . . . Urkel: Than perish foolish beings! (Urkel laugh.) TO BE CONTINUED? ---Mitch Holzman ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= ----------------------------------------------------------------- Our Story So Far: While Luke broods over the fact that he might be succumbing to the dark side of the force (with Leia trying to cheer him up. C3-PO and R2-D2 wander off into the desert. After watching a small scene with the doodlebugs, the droids are kidnapped by Shredder, Be Bop, and Rock Steady. At the local Star Trek convention, Worf is mistaken for an actor in a parody play being put on by the local fan group. Worf is saved by the last minute script revision, and gets a chance to learn all of his lines before the play. In the skies over planet Earth, The Enterprise 1701-A keeps a watchful eye on the Romulan vessel that followed them through the time warp. As they watch, the Romulans leave orbit, and head towards an approaching fleet from a galaxy far, far away. The Romulans, for their part, are trying to surrender not only themselves, but the entire planet Earth to the approaching fleet. Instead, they are taken by a tractor beam. After some initial apprehension about the potential existence of Marvin the Robot in the vicinity, the Doctor and his companions head towards the Air Force Jet Testing range. Sam Beckett in his guise as Oscar Goldman is interviewing Doctor's who work for the government, hoping that one of them will be the "Doctor" he is supposed to assist. He is interrupted in this by a visit from Gary Seven, who demands to know what happened to the USA's rocket program. Doc Brown, who learned about the destruction of the Apollo Rockets before the moon launch from a newspaper he had around his house, takes Spin and Marty on an emergency mission to the past (their relative future, it's all very confusing isn't it?) Blake makes an interesting discovery about Orac's abilities, when he finds that Orac has reprogrammed Zen to be more helpful. They head off towards an anomaly in Nantucket system, while Orac tries to determine what it is. At least, we hope that's what Orac is doing, never can be sure. ----------------------------------------------------------------- [Scene 61. Interior Shot. An apartment, some where in Albuquerque, New Mexico. It is in a low-rent, sleazy district. It has very few furnishings, and the floor is covered with reams of paper that have been strewn all about. In the center of the room, Data and Geordi are hovering above their tri-corders examining the piece of wreckage they took from the testing grounds. On the floor beside them are plans for standard fighter jets of the time, and also sheets of paper that hold various trajectory calculations. Riker walks into the room.] RIKER: Well, have you got anything yet? LaFORGE: Actually, yes we do. We've determined exactly where Guinan should be. RIKER: And? DATA: Dead, sir. RIKER: What?!? DATA: Guinan appeared approximately three hours before we did, and the portal opened several hundred meters above the ground. She must have plummeted to her death, except... RIKER: Except what? LaFORGE: Except that there's no body. There's been no discussion of an unknown woman appearing on the test grounds, no obituaries for a jane doe answering to her description. Nothing. RIKER: Conclusions? DATA: Somebody, or something, saved her. RIKER: Something? DATA: With my Tricorder, I have been picking up strange signals from orbit. Almost as if there were a starship up there. RIKER: But, that's impossible. There are no starships in this time. DATA: Precisely. But, there is a definite starship signal up there, and it appears to be very old. RIKER: And you think that whatever it is up there, saved Guinan from certain death somehow. DATA: It does seem to be the only possibility, Commander. [Scene 62. Exterior Shot. Outside the Justice League of America. A joint effort of evil forces consisting of some of Dr. Doom's elite robot warriors, some rather well armed thugs from the Kingpin's syndicate, and large amounts of blue shirts from Cobra's forces. They all seem to be streaming out of the 'Skull Head' Headquarters of the Legion of Doom and are launching a fairly effective attack. Hovering over the massed armies is a jet-propelled platform. Standing on the platform are Destro, Cobra Commander, and Professor Moriarity.] COBRA COMMANDER: Attack! Attack! Victory is ours! DESTRO: I am still not convinced that our best interests are served by attacking this installation. COBRA COMMANDER: I told you Destro! This is all according to a grand plan, a master scheme, better than anything you've ever come up with. DESTRO: I resent the implication you are making. MORIARITY: Gentlemen, please. There's no need for us to fight among ourselves, for now, we must continue our assault on the building up ahead. From here, we will have access to the top secret communications of every major world government. Surely, Destro, you can see the use in that kind of access. DESTRO: Yes, but those are super-powered mutants in there, and their technology seems to be far superior to ours. We haven't even dented their defenses yet. [From behind them, Sinestro climbs onto the hover platform and approaches them.] SINESTRO: Not to worry gentlemen. We at the Legion of Doom have our own share of super powers. [He gestures with his yellow ring. A beam of yellow energy bursts forth from it. It shoots out over the heads of the amassed armies. The energy takes the form of a giant parakeet, which lands on the roof of the Justice League of America and begins pecking at the dome.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Inside the main control room of the Justice League. Only three beings are present, the Wonder Twins, Zan and Jayna, and their pet space monkey, Gleek. They are watching the attack being launched on the main viewscreen.] ZAN: What are we going to do Jayna? JAYNA: Nothing Zan. The Superfriends said to wait here until they got back. [A squawk redirects their attention to the viewscreen. They see the giant yellow parakeet approaching and land on the roof.] ZAN: Won't be long before they break through now. We have to go out there and stop them. JAYNA: But the Superfriends said... ZAN: The Superfriends didn't know about the Legion of Doom helping in the attack. Come on. JAYNA: Oh, all right. [The connect hands.] TWINS: Wonder Twin Powers....Activate! JAYNA: Form of a Pterodactyl! [She transforms in a cheesy cartoon effect.] ZAN: Shape of an Ice Gatling Gun! [So does he.] [Gleek leaps on top of Zan and grabs a convenient handle. Jayna graps the monkey by his shirt, and flies off.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside the Justice League of America building. The Sinestro-generated parakeet (henceforth called the Sinestrokeet) is still pecking away at the dome. Suddenly, the pterodactyl appears from behind the building.] JAYNA: I'll take care of that overgrown bird, you see what you can do about that mob. ZAN: Right. Drop me over there. [The pterodactyl drops Zan on the roof of the building and proceeds to attack the Sinestrokeet.] JAYNA: All right, you sorry son of a carrier pigeon, let's see what you've got? [She flies over and begins to battle the Sinestrokeet. (Unless specifically mentioned in the script, choreography of the fight scenes are left to the discretion of the director.) Gleek drops to the roof and turns a crank on the side of Zan. Bullets, made of purple ice shoot out at the approaching criminals. Meanwhile, on the hovering platform.] DESTRO: See, now the heroes come out to defend. COBRA COMMANDER: Destro, I am sick and tired of your endless predictions of doom and gloom. There are only two heroes there! SINESTRO: These are not truly heroes. These are but teenagers. We can easily defeat them. [Sinestro turns back to concentrate on defeating the pterodactyl. As his ring's energy beam battles Jayna, and the Cobra warriors, Kingpin thugs, and Doom Elite warriors continue the assault, a green lasso appears from the skies and encircles the Sinestrokeet's neck. Pan upward to see the Superfriends (Wonder Woman, Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, Hawkman, and Aquaman {in Wonder Woman's invisible jet}) approaching. They quickly dive into the fight. However, even with the additional firepower of these heroes, the fight is a stalemate. There are, after all, a whole bunch, and I mean a *Whole Bunch*, of thugs, warriors, and doom robots there.] DESTRO: This is getting us nowhere. Fortunately, I am prepared with a solution. [He moves to the other side of the platform and grabs a rocket launcher. He aims and fires at a nearby (rather inconveniently placed, but it advances the plot) volcano. This sets of a chain reaction, which will cause the volcano to erupt. Jayna breaks off from the battle.] JAYNA: Zan! That mountain is going to erupt, pouring molten lava all over that village. ZAN: We've got to stop it. TWINS: Wonder Twin Powers....Activate! ZAN: Form of ... An Ice Cap! JAYNA: Shape of ... a Yeti! [Both transform in cheesy cartoon effects. Jayna then picks up Zan and bounds off toward the mountain, away from the fight. The Superfriends continue to fight the approaching hordes, Aquaman flies the invisible jet, while Wonder Woman attacks with her lasso, Batman continues firing bat devices from his batcopter, and the other heroes are fighting in their usual methods.] [Meanwhile.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. The interior of a jet craft flying overhead. Inside, are various members of New York's super hero community. They've all banded together, borrowing equipment from the army, to transport themselves here and join the battle to save the Justice League of America. Preparing now to parachute, or otherwise drop into the melee are Captain America, the Black Knight, the Wasp, the SubMariner, Hercules, Spiderman, the She-Hulk, the Thing, Reed Richards, Sue Richards, the Human Torch, Thor, and, of course, Dr. Strange. They are planning their entrance, when Sue Richards notices the volcano about to explode. She points it out.] SUE: Look! One of the villains has caused a chain reaction that will make that volcano erupt in minutes! HERCULES: Verily this is a splitting tactic, to cause yon Superfriends to withdraw from the battle to defend their home. CAP AMERICA: It looks like the Superfriends may not notice until its too late. Odds are that the villains will pull back just enough to let them notice in time to save the town, but not stop the eruption. REED: I don't think the villains know we're here yet. Some of us could go take care of that, while the rest of you help defend the Justice League. [Incidental note: Reed is steering the jet, or actually controlling the hovering, but his head is stretched into the back to join the conversation.] SHE-HULK: A good plan. After some of us drop into the battle, the rest can fly off to the volcano to stop it. CAP AMERICA: Ok, I suggest that Reed, Sue, Hercules, and Thor go handle the volcano emergency, while the rest of us go help the Superfriends clean up their mess. [Choruses of good plan are heard, and then those heroes not mentioned in Cap's plan drop out of the plane. Reed pulls his head back to the cockpit to prepare to fly off towards the volcano, the plane veers off to avert disaster.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The battlefield in front of the Justice League. Things are pretty evenly matched, but there continually seem to be more and more thugs, goons, warriors, drones, and robots for the superheroes to contend with. The Superfriends, being heroes and good guy types, are doing their best not to kill anybody, just wound and take them out of commission. Suddenly, a loud cry is heard from above and a six foot six inch green woman drops out of the sky and lands on a crowd of Cobra Warriors. That's enough to take most of those she landed on out. She immediately begins swinging into action, sometimes hitting three or four people with one haymaker. Slowly, others drop into the action, the SubMariner flies in, fists swinging; Spiderman swoops down on some webbing and begins tying up goons with his web; Captain America drops down in a red, white, and blue parachute, tossing his shield ahead of him. It takes out nearly ten operatives at a time before returning to his grasp. The Wasp darts in and out among the approaching horde, using her sting to stun opponents. Suddenly, it's a free-for- all, with the approach of even more superheroes, morale goes against the attacking force. In short, they begin to run. At least those who haven't been incapacitated begin to run.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The mountain face of the soon to be erupting volcano. Zan and Jayna in their current alternate forms are approaching the top of the mountain.] ZAN: We're getting pretty close now, Sis. You better toss me up there and let me seal off the top of the mountain. JAYNA: You realize, that this is only a temporary measure, that eventually, the heat from the lava will weaken you enough that the lava will be able to break through. ZAN: I know, but I don't know what else to do. Have you got any ideas? JAYNA: I was going to look for a way to ease the pressure on the crater, see if we can keep it from erupting. ZAN: Good idea. Put me up there now. [She heaves and Zan flies through the air, landing on the crater--a perfect fit.] ZAN: I sure hope Jayna finds that alternate solution in a hurry, it sure is hot around here. [Scene Change. Interior Shot. The cockpit of the jet transport. Reed and Sue Richards sit in the pilot and co-pilot seats, while Hercules and Thor stand behind them.] SUE: Reed, what's that? REED: I'm not sure. It looks like an ice cap. HERCULES: Surely, that is impossible. The lava wouldst melt the ice in minutes. REED: Sue, get some readings on that thing would you? SUE: Sure thing. Ah, here we go. It looks like it was placed relatively recently, like it wasn't there when the volcano first started getting ready to erupt. REED: That is unusual. Let's get in for a closer look. [As they dive towards the mountain, all four heroes peer carefully out the window.] THOR: Verily, there appears to be a face on yon ice cap! SUE: I see it too, we better get down there and have a look. [Sue, Thor, and Hercules rush to the back of the jet, while Reed holds it hovering in position.] [Scene Change. The top of the volcano, Zan is sweating profusely, and it seems that the lava might break through at any moment. Hercules and Thor drop down to the ground, followed by Sue Richards, who slides down on an invisible force beam.] ZAN: Hey! Are you guys here to do something about this volcano? HERCULES: What manner of witchery is this? A talking mountain? ZAN: My name's Zan, and my twin sister Jayna should be around here somewhere. We were trying to stop the volcano from erupting, but we don't seem to be doing very well. [Just then, Jayna approaches.] JAYNA: I think I found a spot in the mountain where we could let the lava flow out. It leads right down to an old strip mining site. There's nothing there to get damaged now. ZAN: Good thing, I think the lava's about to break through here. JAYNA: There's a problem, I don't think I could become a form strong enough to break through the rock there. THOR: Show us the way, Hercules and I should be able to break through. SUE: Meanwhile, if you'll move, Zan, I can seal off the top of the mountain with a force shield that's a lot stronger, and less likely to melt. ZAN: Jayna? TWINS: Wonder Twin Powers...Deactivate! [In a cheesy cartoon effect, both twins become their normal selves, fists touched together.] HERCULES: Now, show us the way. [Hercules, Thor, Zan, and Jayna head off toward the spot Jayna referred to, while Sue Richards constructs an impenetrable force dome over the top of the mountain.] [Meanwhile.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. Outside the Justice League of America. Things are not going well for the villains. With the help of the additional super heroes, the tide has turned and the heroes are beating back the villains. It looks like the villains will be retreating soon. On the hovering craft which Cobra Commander, etcetera are monitoring from, this conversation is heard.] COBRA COMMANDER: This is not going well. We must retreat. DESTRO: No! In a moment, the volcano will erupt and send a wall of hot lava hurtling towards the town. The heroes will have no choice but to abandon their efforts here and save the local citizenry. SINESTRO: Destro's right. These do-gooders will abandon there home to save a single puppy. It's pathetic. DESTRO: We need only hold out for a few more moments. [Scene Change. The location that Jayna had scouted out earlier. Thor is hammering away at the ground, and Hercules is moving rocks, but things are going slowly.] THOR: I wish I had some sort of pick. ZAN: Good idea! TWINS: Wonder Twin Powers...Activate! ZAN: Form of ... an Ice Chisel! [He transforms in a cheesy effect. Jayna tries to pick up the huge chisel, but finds it is too heavy.] JAYNA: Shape of ... a Black Bear! [She transforms, then picks up the chisel, and hands it to Hercules. Hercules accepts the weapon, and holds it, while Thor hammers into it with his hammer. Suddenly, larger and larger chunks of the mountain break away.] [Scene Change. The top of the mountain. Sue Richards is watching as the lava percolates under her dome. It appears that even her force shield will not hold for much longer.] SUE: [Talking into a hand communicator.] Reed, can you see how much longer it will take Thor and the others? REED: [Over communicator] It looks like...yes, they've broken through! [The lava level under the dome begins to go down.] [Scene Change. The location of the draw off point. All four heroes quickly dive out of the way, as the lava flows past them into the waiting strip mine.] [Scene Change. Exterior Shot. The hovering craft over the battle outside the Justice League of America.] COBRA COMMANDER: Where's this volcanic eruption, Destro? DESTRO: I don't understand, it should have happened by now. COBRA COMMANDER: You idiot! We're all doomed, now! [Cobra Commander lunges for Destro's neck, while they are rolling on the floor, Moriarity makes an observation.] MORIARITY: Gentlemen, perhaps we should make an exit now, before we are captured with our men. SINESTRO: Good idea. [He goes to the controls, and the hover craft flies off into the distance.] TO BE CONTINUED... ============== ANOTHER PARODY ============== (In a dark room with a light shining in Lucas's face with Agent Cooper interrogating Lucas) Agent Cooper: DID YOU KILL LAURA PALMER??? (Lucas silent) Agent Cooper: I SAID DID YOU KILL LAURA PALMER???? Lucas: (yelling) DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH? Agent Cooper: YOU'RE RIGHT I DO! Lucas: WELL, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH. You see I'm not from this universe. Agent Cooper: you mean you're not from this planet. Lucas: Same planet, different dimension. I'm from parallel universe where there's Giant Albanian Neptunes, Man-Eating- Plants, 200 ft. crocodiles, and these Albino Klingons kidnapped us and brought us to their planet. I escaped and built a Sliding machine to slide into this dimension. (An hour later, Agent Scully and Mulder are walking down the hall) Agent Scully: So what do you think about parallel universes? Agent Mulder: Well, Einstein theorizes that there are parallel universes. And I tend to believe Einstein Agent Scully: Well, I've been abducted and impregnated by aliens, and you don't see me believing in aliens do you? HA!!! Aliens!! Next you'll be wanting me to believe in the Contract With America!!! (Approaching the interrogation room when the door opens and Agent Cooper steps out) Agent Cooper: Well, I don't think he killed Laura Palmer. Agent Scully: Good luck next time. Agent Mulder: (Waving to Bob the Janitor) Hey, Bob. (Agent Cooper walks back to his office where he discovers Sydney Bloom sitting in his office.) Agent Cooper: Hey, Sydney, why are you here?? Sydney: The COMMITTEE sent me. Agent Cooper: So how's it going tracking that Eden Group on Earth 2? Sydney: No, that's the COUNCIL. Agent Cooper: Oh, how's the alien cover-up Sydney: NO, that's the guys in Trench Coats and sunglasses following Mulder and Scully!!!!!! Agent Cooper: Oh, yeah. So how's it going trying to take over the known universe and starting the Narn and Centauri war. Sydney: (a little peeved) No that the SHADOWS. I'm from the COMMITTEE. You know VR-5 and stuff. So can I use the phone to talk to that Lucas guy. Agent Cooper: Sure, sorry about that COMMITTEE stuff (Sydney goes into VR-5.... and then gets out of it) Sydney: OH, MY G*D!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was just minding my own business, walking on a sidewalk when that Lucas guy came speeding down the sidewalk and yelling "I DON"T WANT TO DIE A VIRGIN" as he passed me. And then this Canadian Neptune, and rejects from Star Trek started to chase him.... it freaked me out. (just then Lois Lane pops into the office) Agent Cooper: Hey, Lois Lois: Do I know you? Agent Cooper: Wait a minute (fumbling around for his glasses and puts it on) Lois: Oh, COOP, its you. I didn't recognize you *without* your *glasses*. I don't know why, I've always had that problem. So what's this I hear about not wanting to die a virgin and man- eating-plants and Chinese Neptunes???? (BACK in the INTERROGATION ROOM) Sam: Hey, kid I'll trade you this Quantum Leap machine for your sliding machine.....Trust me you'll have so much fun using the Leaping machine. (thinking to himself: Finally I'll be rid of that annoying Al and his loud clothes!!!!!!!) (Sam takes the sliding machine and slides into a parallel universe, unfortunately, this universe doesn't *have* an Earth. Sorry, Sam) (MEANWHILE: back on the Albino Klingon home world. The Albino Klingons asked their darker cousins to take seaQuest back to Earth.) Male Klingon: NO, I don't need a damn map. Female Klingon: I'm telling you, you're going the wrong way. Male Klingon: Us, men, have a good sense of direction. We don't need a stink'en map. Female Klingon: If only you asked directions at the gas station, we wouldn't be lost. Male Klingon: HA, we're not lost!!!!!!!! (The Klingons drop seaQuest on Earth, unfortunately, the Female Klingon was right, of course, because they dropped seaQuest on *Earth 2*) Henderson: Hey, little boy, want some of my chocolate. Uly: MOM!!!!! That lady scares me, I think she's trying to pick me up for a date. Devon: NO, one does that to *my* son. He's *mine*. You horrible woman, trying to pick up *my* son....No one does that to *my* son because he's *mine*. He's *mine* I tell you. Yes, *my* son!!!!! (Suddenly Devon starts clobbering Henderson in an all out Dynasty cat fight) (ELSE WHERE) Piccolo: A horse is a horse of course, of course. True: (SCREAMS) Daddy, that fish-boy is scaring me!!!!!!!!! He spouting Satanic phrases..... I think he might start calling me *POPPET*!!!! Danziger: NO, one does that to *my* daughter. She's *mine*. You genetic mistake, trying to seduce *my* daughter will you. No one does that to *my* daughter because she's *mine*. She's *mine* I tell you. Yes, *my* daughter!!!! AND WHAT THE SAM HILL IS A POPPET!!!!!!!!!! (yet another fist fight breaks out) (ELSE WHERE AGAIN) Wendy: I know you're still upset about Julia. I don't know what happened. I was just staring at her and she just spontaneously combusted. Here I baked you an cherry pie to cheer you up. Alonzo: How did you know I love d**n good Cherry pie? Its like you read my mind. Wendy: oh, please. Me, reading minds. That's funny. How about I cook you some pizza tonight. Alonzo: Wow!!! You read my mind again. How weird? You must be psychic or something. Wendy: me!! Little old me!!! Psychic??? Please, that's funny!!! I'm not psychic at all. (wendy smiling as she prepares the whip cream for *desert*) {Credits Role} --- lquinto@rohan.sdsu.edu (Nibor) =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: So many debuts! YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED, NOT: Writing the media WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING A BORG STAR TREK: STARSHIPS STAR TREK SUPERIORITY SERIES: ST:TNG VS. EARTH-2 THOUGHTS REGARDING THE BORG JANEWAY MEETS THE BORG! UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 15 (Sc. 63-64) ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== LOCATING A COPY OF RIF! 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