_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 subscriptions: 202-1240@mcimail.com http://www.marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html ftp://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 50 Sultan - Mulk 152 B.E. 19 Jan - 1 Mar 1995 FIFIETH ISSUE!!!!!! ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: 50 Issues and Still Conscious! UNIVERSAL SCIENCE FICTION PARODY Episode 18 (Sc.73 -80): End of the First Series The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Le Morte d'USFP. Need I say more? Well, maybe one more thing. Since this is a BORGIVERSARY issue, I am asking all the readers of this newsletter who are brave enough to LET THEIR TRUE FEELINGS BE KNOWN, send me an e- mail about their experiences with RIF. I don't want just the old-timers, even though hearing from them is always a pleasure; but I want to hear from as many as possible. What do you like about the newsletter? What don't you like (eek!)? Do you have any remininces? We've shared a lot of Borg jokes over the last four years, so whaddya say? Just drop me a line at ktaborn@bak2. lightspeed.net, and let out all that stuff you have been trapping inside. Just to test the waters for you, I will reproduce an interest- ing letter I received recently: Date: Wed, 13 Dec 95 06:42:38 CST From: jbarrett@nebula.tbe.com To: k.taborn@genie.geis.com Subject: unsubscribe unsubscribe jbarrett@pobox.tbe.com I have been looking for the proper method of getting off this newsletter's mail list since your narrow minded blasting of X-Files. We may not all like the same things, but, there is no need to blast the show or the fans. You should go into politics theat kind of behavior is the accepted norm there... c [A[. [A[A[[A[A[B [A[A[A[B.. [A[A[[[C[C[[C[B[D [A[A[A =END= I assume the later half of the e-mail illustrates all too clearly the level of emotional turmoil this reader suffered by reading RIF #47 (October 1995). Again, I emphasize that subscribers should read any issue of Resistance is Futile at their OWN RISK. If you have any suspicion that you would react strongly or violently to any criticism or satirical allusion to anything in popular culture, THEN PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS NEWSLETTER. Control yourself for society's sake. P.S. For you Resistance hounds, Resistance will continue next issue. P.S.S. I am in the process of phasing out the GENIE address (k.taborn@genie.geis.com and replacing it with the 202-1240 @mcimail.com address. Eventually I hope to have a list server and then life will be good again. At least for me! ---Oxnardus ================================================================= __ __ _____ _____ ______ / // // ___// ___// __ / / // // /__ / /_ / /_/ / / // //__ // __/ / ____/ / // /___/ // / / / /____//____//_/ /_/ The Universal Science Fiction Parody (An Epic of Novel Proportions) by Derek G Bacon: Internet: lightnin@world.std.com ================================================================= [Scene 73. Interior Shot. The busy detective's room of a Manhattan precinct of the New York Police Department. A door labelled 'Captain Daley' opens and a large, overbearing cop steps out, James Bond steps out from behind him.] DALEY: [Yelling to room.] Columbo, get over here! [A shortish man with unruly, dark, curly hair and wearing a trenchcoat steps towards the Captain.] COLUMBO: Yes, Captain Daley, can I do something for you sir? DALEY: This is your new partner. Bring him up to date on the case and get to work! COLUMBO: Sure thing, Captain. [Captain Daley walks back into his office and slams the door.] COLUMBO: Hi, Columbo here. BOND: Bond, James Bond. [Bond shakes Columbo's hand. The two of them walk back to Columbo's desk.] COLUMBO: You've got an odd accent, you don't sound like you're from New York. BOND: I'm an exchange officer from Scotland Yard. COLUMBO: Really, I find that interesting, because I'm on loan here from L.A. I've been waiting for a partner, but you'd think they'd match me up with one of their own. BOND: Perhaps they'd like to get rid of us both, so they are pairing us with each other. COLUMBO: That could be, anyway, the case is unusual. A bank robbery, but the witnesses are giving us some really bizarre reports... [They walk off into the fade.] [Scene 74. Interior Shot. A conference room aboard the Dreck Star. Commander Sateen and Sub-Commander Tanalak sit at the center of a long table. They are somewhat nervous and fidgety. On either side of the only door into the room, a stormtrooper is stationed. They stare straight ahead. The door between them slides open. Karth Gator and Admiral Hastings walk in. The admiral turns to the stormtroopers.] HASTINGS: Wait outside. [The stormtroopers look at each other, shrug, and step out the airlock. Pan to window to show at least twenty stormtrooper bodies, hanging lifeless in space.] HASTINGS: Stupid idgets. [He walks to intercom panel on the wall.] Security! Send two stormtroopers to conference Room DS, Level 9. SECURITY: [On Intercom.] Aye sir, two troopers to DS9. Got it. [Admiral turns back to the room.] KARTH: Now, you two, what are you doing here? TANALAK: You're the one who had those armored buffoons escort us here. [Sateen makes gestures to calm down his impetous sub-commander.] KARTH: Do not test my patience! [Calming down a bit.] I meant, what are you doing in this sector of space? SATEEN: We are emissaries sent here to surrender this system to your forces. KARTH: And where are you from? SATEEN: We are denizens of the third planet. It is called Terra. [Karth considers.] SATEEN: If you like, our ship can serve as escort for your fleet. KARTH: Most interesting. We shall consider your offer. [He turns to leave, the door slides open and two stormtroopers walk in.] Keep watch on them. [The two salute. Karth and Admiral Hastings walk out. As the door slides shut, one of the stormtroopers begins doing a 'hammy' impression of Gator (heavy breathing, comments about the force, etc...) The other is laughing. Suddenly, the first seizes up and begins choking. The laughing stormtrooper stops and tries to help. He throws off his helmet and moves to help his friend. Then he stops short, and his mouth opens. He speaks in Karth's voice.] KARTH'S VOICE: I heard that! The Force is not a power to be trifled with. Perhaps, henceforth, you will remember that. [The choking stormtrooper rises up in the air, hits his head on the ceiling several times, then he is tossed across the room and hits the other wall. Meanwhile, the laughing stormtrooper is knocked to the floor. His possession ends and he looks about a bit confused. He then goes to help his partner.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. A corridor in the Dreck Star. Karth and Admiral Hastings are walking along it.] HASTINGS: You don't believe them do you? KARTH: Of course not. Our best information says that the people of the third planet don't even have interplanetary space flight. Besides, they look nothing like the preliminary photos of the natives. HASTINGS: So, what do you think they're up to? KARTH: Obviously, either they plan to lead us into a trap, or they want to use us as a trap to lead someone else into. Either way, I think we can handle whatever they've got planned. [Fade.] [Scene 75. Interior Shot? The Circuits of Time. Bill, Ted, and Rufus are rocketting through the circuits. They plummet towards an opening...] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Starship Enterprise, as seen from inside a phone booth placed between Science and Communications. The scene appears abruptly, rising from the bottom of the picture. Sulu sits at the command chair.] BILL'S VOICE: Rufus, where are we dude? RUFUS'S VOICE: Not where I expected to be. Hold on, I'll the number. [CUT TO: Yellow Pages, hands flipping through.] RUFUS'S VOICE: There it is. [CUT TO: Buttons on phone, fingers dialing.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. All present stare at the phone booth in confusion. It begins to the disappears into the floor, only to be replaced immediately by an duplicate appearing from the ceiling.] SULU: [Still staring.] Signal the Captain. [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Sickbay of the Enterprise. McCoy, Kirk, Spock, Chapel, and Guinan gather around Guinan's bed looking at her. A whistling sound is heard.] UHURA'S VOICE: Captain Kirk to the bridge. [Kirk gives McCoy a sideways glance and walks to the wall panel containing the intercom.] KIRK: [Activating switch.] Kirk here. SULU: [over intercom] Sulu, Captain. There's something here you should see. KIRK: Is it the fleet? SULU: No, sir, they're holding position. It's something on the bridge. KIRK: On my way, Kirk out. [He cuts the communicator] Everything at once, eh Mr. Spock? I've got a feeling I'll need your help on this. SPOCK: I believe that to be a valid assumption. [They leave sickbay.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Bridge of the Enterprise. Sulu, et. al. still stare at the phone booth. The door opens, Bill, and Rufus step out just as the turbolift doors open to admit Kirk and Spock.] BILL & TED: Whoa! An alien! [Spock raises an eyebrow in a manner which has been represented in some books as .] RUFUS: Excuse me, can anyone tell me where we are? KIRK: Aboard the Federation vessel U.S.S. Enterprise RUFUS: What year? SPOCK: That would depend on your calendar. AUSTIN: [You'd forgotten he was there, hadn't you?] On Earth, it's 1969. RUFUS: Well, in that case, what are all of you doing here? [Just then, the turbolift doors open and admit Guinan (in hospital gown) and Past-Guinan (in sixties garb), followed by Dr. McCoy.] GUINAN: That's easy. They're here to prevent the destruction their timeline. A destruction which I inadvertantly caused. KIRK: Would somebody please tell me when I lost control? CHEKOV: [At navigation.] Keptin! The alien fleet is moving. KIRK: What? [He rushes to his chair. Sulu vacates and takes his place at Ops. Spock rushes around the phone booth to his station.] SPOCK: Velocity, 1/10th Impulse. KIRK: Sulu! SULU: Matching speed now, Captain. KIRK: Spock, where are they headed? SPOCK: Triangulating now...[Close on Spock's face.] Their destination is...[Spock stands upright and faces the captain.] Earth. [Dramatic chord.] [Scene 76. Interior Shot. Conference Room inside the Justice League of America. It is quite crowded. Not only are all the heroes from the most recent battle here, they are joined by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, various leaders of the GI Joe team, members of Team Banzai, and of course, Buckaroo himself. The lights are dimmed, and Buckaroo is making a presentation.] BUCKAROO: As you can see, the whole world is in a heap of trouble. The leaders of the greatest criminal organizations of all time have joined forces. Each and every one of us in this room has an arch enemy represented by someone in this picture. [He gestures at the screen, which shows a bit of the board meeting from Scene 9.] BATMAN: Excuse me, where did you get this footage? BUCKAROO: The recent announcement made by the World Crime League was taped over this footage. I borrowed the tape from a friend at Network 23, and found this footage underneath. [Camera zooms on picture of World Crime League meeting. Focuses on Spectre symbol and then pulls back to reveal an actual board meeting already in progress.] KINGPIN: My boys are not foot soldiers! These frontal assaults just aren't their style. DOOM: And I do not enjoy wasting valuable robots on bank robberies. KRANG: Yes, have you any idea how much energy it takes to bring Rock Warriors across dimensions? I think that their talents are being wasted. VOICE: Believe me, I understand the complex energies involved in dimensional transfer. I grow weary of reassuring you all of the validity of my plans. ZIGFRIED: You promised us great changes for evil, yet, we have seen --nothink. VOICE: No results! Let me show you something. [He adjusts some controls and a picture of Vietnam appears on the screen. Soldiers are fighting, it's a standard war in the jungle scene.] VOICE: You are all aware of the current conflict in Southeast Asia. My information tells me that the UN had plans to step in and call a halt to the conflict. That is, until I put my plan into operation, with the help of all of you. KRANG: What good does that do us? [Krang looks around, and sees that many of the other world crime leaders are considering the possibilities of continued arms deals involved in an extended Southeast Asian land war.] VOICE: Ask your fellow crime leaders. I think they see the possibilities. Now, gentleman, believe me when I tell you that things are moving ahead as planned, and that by the time all of this is over, we will all be incredibly wealthy and powerful. [Scene Freezes. Fade out to Justice League meeting...] SUPERMAN: Ok, it strikes me that working together, as Mr. Banzai suggests is not a bad idea at all. We are all fighting on the sides of Truth and Justice after all, and even if our means are different our ends are the same. As my mother used to say "It couldn't hurt." BUCKAROO: Thank you, Superman, does that mean I can count on all of you heroes to help? [Nods of ascent all around.] BUCKAROO: Good, now here's the plan... [Fade out.] [Scene 77. Interior Shot. (sort of) Inside the gutted out bank. A portly gentleman in a bowler and a tall, lean man in a deer stalker hat and cape examine the wreckage. The man in the cape bends down and peers through a magnifying glass.] BOWLER: What have you found? CAPE: Perhaps, the clue which will break open the case. [The man in the cape picks up a matchbook and places it in his pocket. A policeman walks up. It's T.J. Hooker!] T.J.: Hey! This is a restricted area! You aren't supposed to be here. BOWLER: Very sorry, we got lost. We're just visiting here you know, quite sorry, really. Come along. [The larger man rushes the caped man out of the room. From the other direction, Columbo and Bond enter.] T.J.: Ah, Inspector Columbo. Is this man with you? COLUMBO: Yes, this is my partner, Bond. Could you tell me if the tech crew set up the video recorder in the back room yet? T.J.: Yes, Inspector, I believe they have. [A car's tires squealing is heard. T.J. gets anxious.] If you'll excuse me, I have to get that. [T.J. rushes past Columbo and Bond and out of the bank. Camera follows. He runs out to the street where a red camaro squeals around the corner. T.J. braces himself, ticket book in hand, and leaps onto the hood as the car drives by.] [CUT BACK to Columbo and Bond.] BOND: Interesting method of stopping speeders you have here. COLUMBO: New to me. Let's check that video. [They walk off.] [Scene Change. Interior Shot. Lobby of a bank seen from an unusual angle. In fact, it is a replay of the earlier bank robbery scene. As the Rock Warrior turns and fires at the camera...] BOND: Stop! Play that back again. [The tape stops and rewinds a bit.] BOND: Hold. Can you zoom in on the barrel of that gun? GPO:* I'll try sir. {* Note: GPO is an acronym for Generic Police Officer, in much the same way that in the Battlestar Galactica scenes, GMO and GFO stood for Generic Male Officer and Generic Female Officer respectively. It is used to indicate that the character is basically unimportant, and is merely there to move the plot along. Thank you.} [The camera closes in a bit, showing an octopus shaped logo clearly visible on the barrel of the Rock Warrior's gun.] COLUMBO: What is it? What do you see? BOND: That is the logo of one of Europe's most nefarious criminal organizations. My superiors suspected that they might be involved. COLUMBO: Does this mean you'll be going home now? BOND: On the contrary, they'll be expecting me to stop them. GPO2: Excuse me, Inspector Columbo? A call from the station just came in. There's been another theft, and they think the WCL might be involved. COLUMBO: Where? GPO2: The airport sir. BOND: Shall we go? [They rush out.] [Scene 78. Exterior Shot. Outer Space. Cylon forces are attacking the Battlestar Galactica. Lasers are being heatedly exchanged. No viper fighters have emerged to do battle as yet. Behind it all, a subtle red glow marks the edge of Bistrospace.] [Interior Shot. Fighter deck of the Galactica. Viper pilots scramble to get to their vipers. Camera closes on Starbuck climbing into the cockpit of his fighter. His engineer straps him in.] ENGINEER: Be careful out there. STARBUCK: I will, Dollface. [The view shield begins lowering while the fighter moves into launch position. Apollo's fighter moves up next to his. Apollo and Starbuck give each other the thumbs up signal.] [Interior Shot. Cockpit of Starbuck's fighter.] VOICE OF CONTROL: Captain Starbuck, you are go for launch. STARBUCK: Roger. [He pushes the second button on his control stick and is thrust back into his chair.] [Switch POV. Starbuck's view of speeding down the launch tube...] [Time passes.] [Exterior Shot. Cylons are still attacking.] [Interior Shot. Starbuck streaking down launch tube.] [Exterior Shot. Galactica's lasers are keeping the Cylons at bay. Barely.] [Interior Shot. Starbuck's tube. No end in sight.] STARBUCK: This is taking forever. [Interior Shot. Command Deck. Adama paces about. Various and sundry other officers man computer consoles. Slartibartfast quitely sips a chardonnay.] ADAMA: How much longer can we hold out? ATHENA: Perhaps another thirty minutes. ADAMA: Where are those vipers? [Interior Shot. Starbuck's launch tube, still going by at about Warp Nine.] [Exterior Shot. Two cylons destroyed, three more join the fray.] [Interior Shot. Starbuck's tube. Something pink approaches. Camera stays with it as the Viper passes. It's the Energizer bunny, huffing, puffing, and clearly too tired to go on.] [Interior Shot. Command Deck. Adama stalks over to Slartibartfast.] ADAMA: Isn't there anything you can do? SLARTIBARTFAST: What would you suggest? ADAMA: Perhaps you could reduce the size of the Bistromathic field? Shrink it enough to keep the cylons out. SLARTIBARTFAST: Well, I could except a) There's a pitched battle going on outside and I'm working like the dickens just to maintain the status quo of the field, and b) what you're asking me to do is impossible. [Interior Shot. Starbuck's launch tube. You know.] [Interior Shot. Command Deck.] ADAMA: What?! SLARTIBARTFAST: I said, it's impossible. GMO: Commander! Shields are buckling! [Exterior Shot. Outer Space. Cylons are regrouping for final attack run.] [Interior Shot. Inside the Cylon lead ship. Two pilots and a leader type.] LEADER: Prepare for final assault. Go. [Exterior Shot. Outer Space. Cylons are diving on the Galactica for the final kill.] [Interior Shot. Starbuck's launch tube. Oh my! The end is in sight! In fact, it's rapidly approaching! Could it be that the vipers will finally emerge to fight? Just in the nick of time, of course.] [Exterior Shot. Outer Space. It looks like this is the end for the Galactica. Suddenly, from the other side of the ship, Three Vipers emerge. They are quickly followed by even more Vipers who engage the Cylons.] [Interior Shot. Command Deck.] ATHENA: The Vipers are out sir! TIGH: Yes! [Exterior Shot. The Cylons are quickly forced away from the Galactica. They break down into groups of two or three to hunt down Vipers. The Vipers give good chase, but the odds are against them.] APOLLO: [Voice only.] This could be a problem. They outnumber us at least four to one. So, while three chase us down, there's still at least one Cylon for each Viper to attack the Galactica. STARBUCK: Wait a minute! I think I have an idea. APOLLO: What is it? STARBUCK: What if we force them outside the Bistromathic Field. Slartibartfast said it would tear us apart and destroy us instantly. The same should apply to Cylons, right? APOLLO: Good plan. All units, try and force the Cylons outside the red field. [One Viper (probably Apollo's or Starbuck's) suddenly dives downward. Three Cylons follow. They start firing, but the Viper zigs and zags enough to avoid getting hit. The Viper also is working its way toward the edge of Bistrospace. As he nears it, he slows down, allowing the Cylon ships to close on him. As they are nearly on him, and targetting him for destruction, the Viper shoots upward, using full thrust. The Cylons are caught by surprise and collide with the field.] [Exterior Shot. Outside the Bistromathic field. Stars streak by as multi-colored lines of light. A red glowing, somewhat elongated and curved sphere dominates the view. Camera pans towards a spot on the top, and the very faintest hint of Cylon fighter ships can be seen emerging. They begin to melt, and variously self-destruct, looking a lot like that house hit by the atomic wind in _The Amazing Colossal Man_. They are destroyed.] [Exterior Shot. Inside the BistroField. The Vipers are turning the tide of the battle. With their new strategy, the Vipers have already destroyed nearly half of the Cylon attack force. The rest of the Cylons have stopped attacking the Battlestar, and appear to be in retreat, towards the basestar at the other end of the field. Two Vipers escort the last of the Cylons out of range, destroying one of them in the process and then all return to base.] [There is much rejoicing.] [Scene 79. Exterior Shot. White Sands, New Mexico. A Police Box stands next to a 'slightly' modified DeLorean. All around is a desert. A set of tire tracks leads off into the distance, and several people have walked over. If you've been paying attention (or if you have back issues to check), you know who they are, but just in case... Getting out of the DeLorean . . . Doc Emmet Brown Marty McFly, Spin Tannen 'Einstein' Approaching by foot . . . . . . . The Doctor Leela Adric K-9 Lady Romana Sam Beckett (still as Oscar Goldman) Albert Calavicci (still a hologram) Gary Seven Roberta Lincoln The Doctor is carrying Emmet Brown's copy of the New York times (with the story of the dismantling of the last Apollo rocket).] DOCTOR: We can cross-reference this paper using the TARDIS computer and figure out where everything went ... LEELA: Screwy? DOCTOR: [Somewhat annoyed.] Exactly. [The Doctor begins to open the door. Al goes to walk through the TARDIS wall but bounces off instead.] AL: Hey, what gives? DOCTOR: I was afraid that might happen. You won't be able to join us inside. Once the TARDIS doors are closed, she is completely impervious to most forms of energy. AL: Well, what am I supposed to do? DOCTOR: I would suggest you talk to that computer of yours, um, Ziggy, is it? [Sam and Al nod.] See what you can find out about Steve Austin. I expect it will be important. LEELA: Um, Doctor? DOCTOR: [Turning.] Yes, what is it Leela? LEELA: Who are you talking to? DOCTOR: Mr. Calavicci, he's a friend of Dr. Beckett's here. You probably can't see him, because he's only a hologram. Don't worry about it. [The Doctor turns and opens the TARDIS door. Al punches buttons on his handlink and the door to the imaging chamber opens. Al steps out and the door closes. The doctor ushers everyone inside.] [Interior Shot. Inside the Main Control Room of the TARDIS. It is possible to see out the door from this camera angle. Most of the party is inside, only Sam Beckett and the Doctor remain outside. As Sam steps across the threshold, the blue "leap" effect engulfs him. He is startled for a moment, but the effect subsides once he is inside.] LEELA: [Drawing a knife and assuming an attack position.] Who are you? What have you done with Doctor Beckett? [Sam is visibly startled, mostly because no one else is moving to stop her. In fact, they seem to be lining up on her side. The Doctor steps in.] DOCTOR: Leela, what are you doing? LEELA: Look out Doctor, someone has replaced Dr. Beckett. [The Doctor looks Sam up and down.] DOCTOR: What are you talking about? He's right here. GARY: I'm sorry Doctor, but that is not the man that you have been referring to as Doctor Beckett? DOCTOR: What are you all talking about? SAM: Wait a minute! Doctor, have you got a mirror? DOCTOR: Um, yes, right over there by the hat rack. [Sam moves to walk towards the hat rack and the mirror. At first Leela blocks him, but the Doctor signals her to move aside. Sam walks to the mirror and looks into it. He sees his own face.] SAM: Doctor, I've lost my disguise. Up until know, only you, Al, and I have been seeing me as I really look. The rest, I would presume have been seeing my outer guise of Oscar Goldman. Somehow, crossing into the TARDIS has disrupted the disguise. DOCTOR: Hmmmm. Probably a side effect of the Transcendental Dimensionality of the TARDIS. Look, everyone trust me, this is the man that has been with us from the start, and whether you know him as Dr. Sam Beckett, or Oscar Goldman, it's the same man. Understand? LEELA: [dejectedly putting her knife away] Yes, Doctor. DOCTOR: Now, as large as this room is, it's a bit too small to accomodate all of us. I suggest we adjourn to the main computer room, which is much larger, and much more comfortable. [They all head off through the TARDIS with the Doctor in the lead.] [Scene 80. Interior Shot. Captain's Ready Room on board the Starship Enterprise (NCC-1701-D). Sitting at the table are Beverly Crusher (dressed pretty much the same as she is in the actual series), Tasha Yar, Deanna Troi, Jean-Luc Picard, Reg Barclay, Miles O'Brien, and Wesley Crusher. Wesley has a small device with him of unknown description.] PICARD: Well, what have we got on the situation down on the planet? It certainly isn't making us any profit just sitting here and waiting. O'BRIEN: Unfortunately, we have no data on the Guardian at all. We don't know whether it will take a few minutes or a few hours for the Away Team to come back with Guinan. BARCLAY: [Still nervous, that much, at least, has not changed.] It could even take days, Sir. PICARD: This will not due. Do we know when in Earth history the away team has gone? Would it be possible to follow? TASHA: Data's Tricorder was broadcasting to ship's computers when Guinan leapt into the Guardian. We can pinpoint within a few moments when she jumped, but unfortunately, we cannot hope to duplicate jumping at the exact moment. TROI: But, the Away Team managed it. TASHA: They had Data to do the timing for them. There's no way we could hope to duplicate that feat. WESLEY: I have something that... PICARD: Shut up, Wesley! WESLEY: But... PICARD: I said, 'Shut up, Wesley!' WESLEY: [Sulking.] Yes sir. PICARD: So, what you're all telling me is that we have no choice but to sit here and wait, hoping that in the meantime, neither our Away Team nor Guinan do something to wipe us from existence. BARCLAY: [Stuttering.] Ess-ess-essentially that's it, y-y-y-es sir. PICARD: Very well, dismissed. I want you all working on this problem. If any of you has any ideas, feel free to come to me with them. [Wesley looks up, expectantly.] PICARD: *Except* you, Wesley. [Wesley sulks again. Everyone gets up to leave, except Picard. When the last has left, he puts his feet up.] [CUT TO Interior Shot. Wesley Crusher's Quarters. Wesley walks in, still holding his toy. He throws himself on the bed, and turns to stare at the ceiling.] WESLEY: I'll show them. [Suddenly, an idea creeps into his head.] Why wait? [he looks at the device in his hand.] I'll show them right now. [He gets up and crosses to a desk, picking up another small device on his way.] WESLEY: Computer, access Tricorder Scan Recordings, Stardate 54321.67. COMPUTER: Command Level Access Required for that information. [Wesley punches a button on the device he picked up. It begins to make noise.] PICARD'S VOICE:Computer, recognize, Picard, Jean-Luc, Captain. COMPUTER: Voice Recognition Pattern Matched. Access Granted. [Wesley smiles evilly to himself and begins punching buttons on the terminal.] And so ends what exists of the Universal Science Fiction Parody. The author has stated that he is patiently waiting for the muse to strike him again so that he can continue with this magnum opus. RIF will patiently wait and hope that it is still around to continue the exciting USFP saga. =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: New Series STAR TREK COMPARATIVE COMANDER ANALYSIS STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY: The Pilot, Part 1 RESISTANCE: A TNG Serial: Chapter 9: Feeling All Alone Chapter 10: Into the Neutral Zone ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== TRYING TO LOCATE A COPY OF RIF???? WORLD WIDE WEB/FTP: http://www.marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html ftp://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif INTERNET EMAIL:Request free subscription: 202-1240@mcimail.com LOCAL BBS: There are various BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): AMITREK BBS: Kissimmee, FL (407) 348-3365; WARPCORE: Long Island, NY (516) 243-1698; U.S.S. NEXUS BBS, B.C., Canada (604) 574-1523; THE X-FACTOR, Kalamazoo, MI (616) 381-1124; BCSM BBS, Boston, MA (617) 864-3375; THE INKWELL, Alexandria, VA (703) 548-1507; RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Bakersfield, CA (805) 588-9349; DA WARREN, Arvin, CA (805) 854-2478; BEYOND THE REALM, Camarillo, CA (805) 987-5506; COUNTDOWN TO CHAOS, Hamilton ON CAN (905) 574-2467; FOUNDATION CLUB, Rome, ITALY (+39) 6-5011474; MEDIAFOTO BBS, Oslo, SWEDEN (+47) 22372038. If you are a SysOp and you'd like to be a distribution site for RIF, please contact Oxnardus of Borg (addresses given below). Back issues of RIF are always available at RIF BBS, 24hrs, 14,400bps and lower at (805) 588-9449 or at the other fine BBSes listed above. LEGAL STUFF Permission to use, copy and distribute Resistance is Futile Newsletter (RIF), or parts thereof, by electronic means for any non-profit purpose is hereby granted, provided that both the above Copyright notice and this permission notice appear in all copies of the newsletter itself, and that proper credit is given for any excerpts. Any other format or purpose for distribution requires permission of the author. Reproducing RIF or parts thereof by any means implies full agreement to the above non-profit-use clause, unless upon explicit prior written permission of the author. "Star Trek" and all "Trek" related names and characters are registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures Incorporated. No infringement on that trademark registration is intended, either by RIF or by the contributors it represents. RIF exercises it's right to parody and satirize. RIF is distributed free of charge. Resistance is Futile. Copyright (c) 1996 by Kym Masera Taborn. SOLICITATIONS FOR NEXT NEWSLETTER The next Resistance is Futile (#51) will be released on or about March 2, 1996. Send submissions to Oxnardus at the addresses notated below for consideration for a future issue. "RIF" is a non-profit fan publication. All submissions for publication should be sent to the editors. The editors retain editorial control and reprint privileges over the submitted materials and reserve the right to use the material in whatever way they deem appropriate with the original copyrightholders permission. Submitted materials will not be returned to the sender. Editor-in-Chief: Oxnardus of Borg Resistance is Futile BBS (805) 588-9349: Oxnardus Internet: 202-1240@mcimail.com ktaborn@bak2.lightspeed.net WEB SITE: http://www.marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html ftp site: ftp://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif Genie: K.Taborn (soon to be discontinued) Prodigy: HCMH17A US Mail: RIF BBS, P.O. Box 81181, Bakersfield, CA 93308