_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 subscriptions: ktaborn@bak2.lightspeed.net http://www.tamnet.interbusiness.it/ htmlpages/adds/borgpage/index.htm http://www.marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html ftp://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 52 Special Ayyam-i-Ha 152 edition! Ayyam-i-Ha 152 B.E. 26 Feb - 1 Mar 1996 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: TNG/B5 Crossover IT CAME FROM THE BLACK SPACE LAGOON The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Happy Ayyam-i-Ha. Since the intercalary days of the Baha'i Calendar (aka Ayyam-i-Ha) is upon us (Feb 26 - Mar 1) and it's a great time for sharing and fellowship, we take a break from regular programming to offer this full-length cross-over parody of Star Trek: The Next Generation and Babylon 5. I am an avid fan of Babylon 5 (my unspoken profound feelings about Star Trek should resonant from this netzine) and found this specimen very satisfying. The next regular issue of resistance is Futile netzine will be RIF #53. It is scheduled to be released in six days on or about March 2, 1996. Be there or be square. ---Oxnardus =================================== IT CAME FROM THE BLACK SPACE LAGOON =================================== ... (teaser) (Scene: Main bridge of the Enterprise. Picard, Riker, Data, and Worf are at their normal stations.) Picard (voice-over): Captain's Log, stardate #####.#. In the course of a routine sector mapping expedition, we detected what appeared to be a severe subspace anomaly. As if the very fabric of space itself were ripped apart. We have entered the region where it occured, in hope of determining what caused the anomaly. Picard: Data, any signs of what might have caused the anomaly? Data: None so far, sir. (Alarms suddenly ring out on the bridge. All eyes look towards the main viewer, where a curious spinning blue vortex has appeared.) (Scene: The view shifts to an external shot of the Enterprise staring down the throat of the vortex, as a huge something-or- other appears out of it. Is it a ship? Is it a being? Hard to tell.) (Scene: Back to the bridge.) Picard: Hail them. Worf: No answer to our hails, sir. Data: They are on a collision course. Riker: Shields up! Worf: Shields are not responding! Picard (hitting comm badge): Geordi, what's happening? La Forge (voice-over): Not sure sir, we've got some sort of power drain down here. Data: Confirmed. By my readings, we've lost warp power, and we're down to 40.9325% of impulse power. Picard: Can we maneuver out of the way? Data: Not quickly enough, sir... (Scene: View shifts back to external shot of the being towering over the ship. At the very last moment, it turns to enter a curious spinning yellow vortex, barely clearing the ship's hull in the process. The Enterprise also slides into the vortex, and all three disappear, leaving an empty region of space.) ... (Act I) (Scene: External shot of the Enterprise sitting in a region of swirling red and black clouds.) (Scene: switch to the Bridge of Enterprise. Picard, Worf, Data, and Riker are at their regular stations.) Picard: Status? Worf: Warp power is off line. Shields are down, impulse power at 10 percent... Data: Approximately 10.5763 percent. Worf (frowning at Data): And, we are running on emergency life support. Picard: Data, what just happened? Data: It would appear that we have passed through some sort of interspacial gateway, into another region of subspace. Sensors indicate space here holds a non-Euclidean geometry. Picard: What exactly does that mean? Data: Space is really, really, weird here, sir. Picard: Ah; thank you, Mr. Data. La Forge (voice-over): We've got a problem, Captain. Riker (under his breath): Always a master of understatement... Picard (hitting comm badge): Go ahead, Mr. La Forge. La Forge: Sir, we don't have enough power left to reconstitute our dilithium crystals; in fact, unless we can find some external power source, we'll lose antimatter containment in about 6 hours. Data: Approximately 6.298534 hours. Picard: Do what you can, Geordi. Worf: I'm detecting some sort of beacon, sir. Data: Confirmed. It may serve as a marker for an exit from this region. Picard: Can we reach it? Data: Given current power levels, we could reach it in 15.64338 minutes. Picard: Set a course for it, maximum speed. Engage. (Scene: Command & Control on board Babylon 5. Ivanova is present, as are a group of people working in the six-foot-deep pit in the center of the room. You sort of have to wonder how much Earth Dome shells out for the neck and back strain problems of these people, with the way they have to crane their necks to see anything. The Jumpgate activates.) Ivanova: What the h***? Nothing's scheduled through the gate at this time. Original Tech #1 (Marianne Robertson): Commander Ivanova, it's big! (Scene: Switch to external scene of Enterprise passing through jumpgate, with the usual thunderous booming and special effects.) (Scene: Back to C&C. Ivanova taps her link) Ivanova: Ivanova to Captain Sheridan. (After a slight pause) Sheridan (voice-over): Sheridan here. Ivanova: Captain, you'd better come up here. We've got an unscheduled ship through the gate, and it has a configuration I've never seen before. It also looks a lot more solid than anything I've ever seen before. It's as if it weren't computer generated... (Scene: Main Bridge on the Enterprise) Picard: Have we returned to our own universe? Data: Unlikely, sir. I am unable to detect any Starfleet subspace relays. However, I do detect a large artificial construction nearby. Picard: On screen. (A view of the Babylon 5 station appears.) Data: I detect 251,948.3952 life forms on board. The station is 8.43829 kilometers in length. It performs one rotation every 53.2958 seconds. At present speed, we will reach the station in 4.93285 minutes. Picard: Data, you aren't just making up these numbers off the top of your head, are you? Data: No sir, I employ a highly intricate heuristic pseudo-random number generator algorithm to make them up. Picard: Oh, well, all right then. What kind of technology do they have? Data: They appear to have a significantly inferior level of technology to our own. However, they are generating a sufficient amount of energy to solve our immediate problem. Picard: All right, then; we shall ask these beings to provide us with the energy we need. Remember the Prime Directive: If at all possible, do not allow any of the natives to learn of our superior technology. But of course discover and record as much of their technology as you can. (Sly grins appear on the faces of the bridge crew.) (Scene: C&C on Babylon 5. Sheridan has arrived, Ivanova is describing the situation to him.) Sheridan: What the h***? Ivanova: Yes, it seems to be true; they are from a different universe. They appear to be mostly human, but you can tell from one look at that ship that they have technology well beyond our own. Sheridan: And they need _our_ help? Ivanova: They say their ship is crippled. But there's no way to tell from out here; it doesn't bear a scratch. They probably can't afford the special effects costs to give it dents and pock marks. Sheridan: All right, this _is_ neutral territory. So long as they come in peace, we have to accept them. Have Garibaldi take a transport over to ferry their "away team" into the station. In the meantime, I'll prepare one of my welcoming speeches lifted directly from ones other people spoke hundreds of years ago. (Scene: In a shuttle bay on the Enterprise. A B5 transport sits wedged inside of it. The shuttle bay doors slide open.) (Scene: switch to the cockpit of the transport, holding Garibaldi, Picard, and Data.) Garibaldi: What the h***? Data (to Garibaldi): I am intrigued, sir; that phrase has appeared many times now in the transmissions sent between your staff and ours. It would appear that you use a great deal of "colorful metaphors" in your speech. Garibaldi: It's just that, you've opened the shuttle bay doors, but I'm still reading an atmosphere outside of this transport. Picard: It's simply being held in place by a force fi- (Data shakes his head) Picard: Oh. Well, that is, there's a barrier of transparent alu- (Data shakes his head) Picard: None of that either, eh? Let's see, a hologram? (Data nods his head) Picard: That's it, it's a hologram of what is outside the shuttle bay doors. They are actually still closed. Garibaldi: Yeah. Right. Picard (quietly, to comm badge): Shut off the force field! (Scene: switch to external shot of transport leaving shuttle bay. The exhaust from the reaction drive of the transport leaves dirty streaks and marks over each part of the Enterprise it touches. Apparently the special effects don't cost as much in this universe.) ... (Scene: Customs area on B5. Sheridan, Ivanova, and the Customs Officer are on hand to greet Picard, Worf, Data, Crusher, Riker, Troi, and an Anonymous Starfleet Ensign.) Sheridan: Welcome to Ba- Customs Officer: I'm detecting a large power source! Picard: Worf, I told you, no phasers. Worf: But Captain... Picard: Lieutenant Worf, you will hand me that phaser now. (Worf retrieves a dustbust- that is, a phaser from under his sash.) Picard: Anonymous Starfleet Ensign, please put this back on the transport. Anonymous Starfleet Ensign: Yes, sir. (Picard hands phaser to Anonymous Starfleet Ensign. The cameo over, Anonymous Starfleet Ensign is never seen in either universe again.) Sheridan: As I was saying, wel- Customs Officer: Reading a smaller power source! Crusher: What, you mean this? It's just my medical tri... uhm, that is, it's my Pocket Simon. You know, that game with the flashing lights? Customs Officer: I assume you can't use it as a weapon. Crusher: No, of course not. Data: Actually, if you connected the leads of its ODN relays to the EPS conduit in order to create a cascade effect ... (Crusher surreptitiously kicks him in the shins) Data: ... the buildup of omicron particles ... (Crusher surreptitiously kicks him higher in the leg, finally reaching the desired point. Data switches off.) Crusher: No, it can't be used as a weapon. Sheridan: Well then, good. I always try to practice Sheridan's Rule number 36: If you fight, fight with unarmed opponents. If you can't, lure them into a minefield. Anyway, welcome to Babylon 5. (The entire Enterprise group finally makes it through customs, dragging Data along with them.) Ivanova: Is there anything wrong with the pasty-skinned fellow there? Picard: Nothing that a thousand-ton press couldn't fix. He's our android. We'll switch him back on momentarily. Ivanova: Android; as in, robot? I never thought I'd live to see a robot on Babylon 5, with the way Straczynski talks about them. Sheridan: Well, it's like my great-great-great-great grandfather always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Scene: Picard, Riker, Worf, Data, Troi, and Crusher, walking along one of those amazingly long B5 hallways) Picard: It appears that there are several alien races on board this station, some at a level of technology which rivals our own. Riker: Captain, we were there when Sheridan explained that, you don't have to repeat it. Picard: Yes, but the audience wasn't there, Commander. Riker (sheepishly): Oh. Right. Picard: As I was saying, many of these races have ambassadors. We will visit each of these ambassadors first, in hopes of acquiring the power we need without breaking the Prime Directive. (A sly grin appears on the faces of the crew for a moment) Picard: There also appears to be a seedier side to this station. Will, because of your special aptitude for seedy situations, you will explore that area. Riker: Great! Picard: Troi will go with you as chaperon. Riker: Awww. (The group continues walking in silence for a moment.) Crusher (looking around): This is an amazingly long hallway. Troi: Are you feeling claustrophobic, Beverly? (Another moment passes.) Data: I estimate we have traveled 118.3452 feet so far. Picard: Thank you, Data. (Another moment passes. The group looks awkwardly at each other.) Worf: None of our sets are this big. If I had known how long this scene was going to last, I'd have pushed to get some dialogue. How far does this go? (The group starts moving more quickly through the twisting corridor, but it goes on and on. Several of them start looking for doorways they can open or some way to climb over the walls; Picard makes a motion facing the camera, passing his hand across his neck in a slicing manner.) ... (Beginning of the A plot) (Scene: Ambassador G'Kar's quarters. G'Kar, Na'Toth, Pi'card, W'orf, Da'ta, and Cru'sher are present.) G'Kar: Let me see. You're saying that you want me to help you locate a source of power for your ship. (Enterprise people all nod.) G'Kar: And yet, you don't want to give me anything in return? (Enterprise people all nod.) G'Kar: But how can this be? You see, alliances are based upon mutual benefit; if you can do nothing to aid my people, then I can do nothing for yours. Pi'card: But it would be against the Prime Directive for us to give your race anything useful... (Sly grins appear on the faces of all the Enterprise people.) Pi'card: Is there perhaps something we can do for you personally? We don't have a great deal of time. Da'ta: I estimate 3.23498 hours, Cap'tain. Pi'card: Thank you, Da'ta. G'Kar: Perhaps, if you allowed me to negotiate privately with Doc'tor Cru'sher for, say, an hour or so... Pi'card: Certainly not! (Pi'card looks at Cru'sher. Cru'sher remains silent.) Pi'card: Be'verly? (Cru'sher has a contemplative look on her face. Pi'card motions to W'orf and Da'ta, who grab Cru'sher by the arms and pull her out of the room.) Pi'card: It would appear that we can do nothing to persuade you. Wait, doesn't she have anything to say about this? (Pi'card points to far corner of room.) G'Kar: Oh, you mean Na'Toth? No, ever since the beginning of this season, she seems to have become a completely different Narn. Weak and frail. She no longer gets many lines. Na'Toth (annoyed): Hey! G'Kar: See what I mean? That's all she gets to say in this entire episode. Pi'card: Well, thank you for your time, Ambassador. (Pi'card exits room, but remains within earshot of the camera.) Pi'card (voice-over): Be'verly, I can't believe you'd even consider it. Cru'sher (voice-over): It's not like we're married, Je'an-L'uc. Pi'card (voice-over): Oh, that's right, we aren't yet, are we. All this time travel and dimension hopping gets confusing at times. ... (Beginning of the B plot) (Scene: the Zocalo. Riker is standing next to the stall with all the cheap-o jewelry behind which they always put the camera. The area is thick with humanoids and noise. Troi is nowhere to be seen.) Riker (muttering under his breath): Finally! I have to get rid of this bright red uniform. It stands out in all this drab, dark, and dirty scenery... Morden: What do you want? Riker: What? Who are you? Morden: A friend. I was informed that you might be in need of help. What do you want? Riker: Well, we're attempting to return to our own universe... (Morden appears to meditate for a moment. Curious subtle sounds occur around him.) Morden: I believe that my associates and I may be able to help you. On the condition that you do not reveal our existence to the others here. Riker: Of course; it would be against the Prime Directive to disrupt the local political situation... (A sly grin passes over Riker's face) Riker: ... But we would also require you to keep anything you learn about us secret as well. Morden: Done and done. (As Riker confers with with his comm badge, Troi appears out of the crowd and moves in his direction. Then she suddenly notices Morden (or, perhaps, something in the general direction of Morden), and a look of horror passes over her face; she collapses in front of Morden.) Riker (to Morden, after noticing Troi, and with a surprised and worried look on his face): What happened? Morden (thinking quickly): I'm not sure; I've noticed that women tend to throw themselves at my feet. Riker: Oh; well, I guess I can understand that. ... (Act II) (Scene: Ambassador Mollari's quarters. Mollari, Cotto, Picard, Data, Worf, and Crusher are present.) Mollari: Well, come in, come in! Vir, get these nice people a drink. Picard: We can't stay long, Ambassador. As I stated in my message, we are searching for a source of power for our ship, but we cannot give you any of our technology in return... Mollari: Yes, yes, look; I have no need for your trinkets. But an empire such as our own requires capital to function, eh? Perhaps there is some small way for you to defray the cost of generating the power you require? Picard (thinking a moment): Perhaps we could repli... uhm, supply you with an amount of gold or diamonds? Mollari: Ah, good! This is acceptable. Come, let us drink together to celebrate our new friendship. Riker (via Crusher's comm badge): Doctor Crusher, please come down to Medlab 1. Crusher: What's the problem, Commander? Riker: Deanna appears to have fainted upon sight of a man called Morden. Mollari: She is a telepath, yes? Ah, that Morden. The telepaths drop like flies around him. It's really quite amazing he's kept so well hidden, what with the number of them running around on this station. Crusher: I'll be there right away. (Crusher leaves the room.) Picard (nosing his drink): Wait, does this drink contain alcohol? Perhaps there is something more I could offer you, known as Synthale. It has all the taste of alcohol, but none of the side effects. Mollari: Wha-at? You wish for me to drink non-alcoholic beverages? Thief of happiness! Assassin of joy! Picard: But... Mollari: Leave me! You will get no source of power from me. Out! Out! (Picard, Worf, and Data are hustled out the door.) ... (Scene: Medlab 1. Troi is on the bed, with Franklin passing his medical device of the week over her. Riker is looking on.) Franklin: What the h***? Riker: We've already done that joke. Franklin (petulant): But I haven't had a chance to say it yet! Riker (sighs): All right. Anyway, what's wrong, doctor? Franklin: From these readings, the patient is only partly human... Riker: That's because she's half-Betazoid. Franklin (worried): Well, I have had some limited experience with this sort of genetic hybridization, but it would be helpful if you could have your own doctor on hand. Riker (nodding): I notified her almost fifteen minutes ago, but without the use of the trans... um, with the transportation system you have on this station, it could take a while for her to arrive. (Medlab door opens; a slightly queasy Crusher steps in) Crusher: I'm sorry it took so long to get here, I had to take that "core shuttle". Without our artificial gr... uh, it's been a long time since I've been in such low gravity, and with the way this station constantly spins... Riker: Beverly, Deanna is in some sort of coma. Franklin: With her partially alien physiology, I didn't want to perform any invasive actions without consulting you first. (Crusher surreptitiously passes her tricorder over Troi's prone body) Crusher: She appears to be in shock, from some powerful telepathic stimulus. It would be a good idea to have someone else with Troi's special abilities take a look at her. Doctor, you wouldn't happen to have a voluptuous female telepath on board running around in clothing that requires a shoehorn to get out of? Franklin: Well, now that you mention it... Crusher: Good, have her take a look, and call me if you have any problems. I'm going back to the ship, to lie down in some perfect one G gravity without this horrible coriolis effect... (Crusher sways a bit as she makes her way out of the room.) ... (Scene: Ambassador Delenn's quarters. Delenn, Lennier, Picard, Data, and Worf are present.) Picard: As a member of a highly advanced race, surely you will be able to give us the help we need. Delenn (with a beatific expression): The concept of self-sacrifice is very important to my people. It is our duty to do all that we can in service to those in need. Picard: Then you will give us access to a Minbari power supply? Delenn (with a pained expression): I cannot. If I were to reveal the power of our side too early, the great darkness would discover our weakness, and sweep us away before our preparations were complete. Picard: Could you at least explain to us this great darkness? Of course, we can't give you anything you might be able to use against it, that would be against the Prime Directive, ... (Picard, Data, and Worf grin in a sly manner) Picard: ... but it would help explain your race's particular problem. You see, all aliens in Trek characterize some specific facet of humanity's flaws. You know, Ferengi's are the evils of capitalism, Klingons are the stupidity of warfare, Cardassians are heartless spies, that sort of thing. Delenn (looking into the distance): Well, billions of years ago, there were... Data: Captain, I estimate we have 2.52345 hours left. Picard: Thank you, Data. I'm sorry, Ambassador, could you give us a quick synopsis? Delenn: Lets see; the shadows are our ancient enemy; humans have a great destiny; and I have genetically modified myself, to become part Human, and part Minbari. Data: Interesting; so, you share my own desire to learn more of humans and human emotions. Delenn: No, I have far too much emotion already. In truth, my desires lie closer to those of your Lieutenant Worf; I wish to serve as a bridge between two different cultures. Worf (to Data): Hah. So there. Data: But... But... That can't be. I'm much more important than Worf! Picard (annoyed): Mr. Data, perhaps you should go help Mr. La Forge on the Enterprise. (Data stalks out of the room, sulking) Picard (under his breath): Strange, I could have sworn he doesn't implant that emotion chip until later in this time line. ... (Scene: Medlab 1. Troi is lying on a bed. Franklin, Winters, and Riker are present.) Winters: Given her condition, this will have to be a deep scan. Riker: Is there any danger? Winters: There is no physical danger from the procedure, but it may cause her some discomfort. I'll be touching memories buried deep within her. (Winters removes her gloves, grasps Troi's hand, and stares intently into her face. After the obligatory period of odd special effects, Troi wakes up.) Troi: Oh, it was horrible! Winters: Don't worry, it's all over now. (Troi hugs Winters, sniffling quietly on her shoulder. Winters puts her arms around Troi, hugging her in return. This goes on for a few moments.) Troi: Thank you, Talia. Winters: It's all right Deanna. Look, why don't we go to my quarters for a drink. (Troi and Winters leave Medlab, hand in hand.) Riker: I'm not sure I like the way they were looking at each other. There was something, well, unnatural about it. Franklin (sizing up Riker with his eyes, with a sly grin): Unnatural in what way? (Riker beats a hasty retreat from Medlab) ... (Scene: Ambassador Kosh's quarters. Kosh, Picard, and Worf are present. Picard and Worf are wearing those silly plastic face masks.) Picard: So, Ambassador, can you help us? Kosh: Yes. Worf: Then you will give us the energy we need? Kosh: No. Picard: But you just said... (Sheridan walks in, wearing another of those silly plastic face masks.) Sheridan: You sent for me, Ambassador? Will this be another lesson in how to fight Shadows? Kosh (indicating Picard and Worf): Great power is achieved through small actions of kindness. Sheridan: Oh, it was no problem to come see you, I'm off duty right now anyway. Kosh (somewhat annoyed): Quenching the thirst of others can help slake your own desire. Sheridan (finally noticing Picard and Worf): Oh, hello there! Are you two thirsty, then? Come with me, I know just the place... (The three start leaving the room.) Kosh (very annoyed): The Enterprise could help you fight the Shadows, you twit! Sheridan (as he goes through door): Yes, Ambassador, I'll try and make an enterprise out of fighting Shadows. Anyway, as I was saying, we've got this great restaurant. I'm scheduled to meet Ivanova there in a few minutes... (Scene: outside of Kosh's quarters. Just before the door closes completely, we catch a glimpse of Kosh banging his upper sensory device against the wall.) ... (Scene: A corridor on the Enterprise. Riker and Morden are present. Morden is handing Riker a small plot device as they walk.) Morden: As I was saying, activate this device once you enter Hyperspace. We'll find you, Commander. We'll find you. Riker: And then what will you do? Morden: Why, lead you to your final destination, of course. Riker: Well, I'd better get you back to the station now. Morden: Fine, now that my associates and I have managed to get on board your ship, there's no need for me personally to remain... (Riker and Morden pass out of the view of the camera) Morden (voice-over): Wait, where is the rest of the hallway? Riker (voice-over): What do you mean? That's all the stretch of corridor we've ever needed. Besides, this way we save money for our special effects. ... (Act III) (Scene: a table at the "Fresh Air" restaurant, with Picard, Worf, Sheridan, and Ivanova. A bottle of Zima is situated prominently in the center of the table, but those seated are studiously ignoring it, as if in hope that it will disappear. Worf is guzzling down an extremely large tumbler of a purple liquid.) Worf (finishing beverage): Ah, a Warrior's Drink! Sheridan (wearing his famous grin): But, to continue our discussion: with all due respect, Captain, orange juice tastes a lot better than tea, and it's better for you, too. Picard (wearing his own particular grin): But it's the caffeine in my Tea, Earl Gray, Hot which gives me that extra kick I need to get going. Sheridan: With all due respect, it's the addiction to the caffeine which makes you drink it. Picard: Yes, well, I can imagine what drinking down mass quantities of pulp fiber must do to your own digestive system. (Worf begins looking somewhat queasy.) Ivanova: With all due respect, sirs, aren't we getting a little off the subject? You were saying you need some help with your ship, and you're running out of time? Data (via Picard's comm badge): We have 1.26589 hours left, sir. Picard (hitting comm badge): Thank you, Data. Yes, we need an external source of power to recrysta... ahem, to fix our engines. But more importantly, Commander Ivanova, is that an alcoholic beverage you're drinking? Ivanova (annoyed): What about it? With all due respect, I'm off duty. Besides, I prefer to think of it as potato juice. (Worf is looking very distracted.) Picard: Perhaps we have something that might be useful to you, known as Synthale. It's a substance that we replic... uh, that is, we make which tastes like alcohol but without the side effects. Ivanova: You mean, you actually drink Near Beer??? That is, with all due respect, sir. Even Garibaldi prefers water! (Worf quietly mentions something to Sheridan) Sheridan (spoken respectfully): With all due respect, there's one back there. (He gestures towards the back of the restaurant. The klingon lurches off in that direction.) Picard: Oh, is there a restroom back there? How convenient. You know, we only have one on the Enterprise, and it's quite a long trek to reach it from 10-forward. And once you arrive, the queue can take forever... ... (Scene: A short while later (Data: approximately 1.143452 hours later.) (Thank you, Data.) outside of the zero-g section of Babylon 5, with the Enterprise floating nearby, and a long, thin cable running between the two. We zoom in to the point where the cable nearly meets the Enterprise; three small figures are floating around it. We can just barely see an electrical socket on the hull of the ship. There is also a socket at the end of the extension cor-- uhm, that is, cable.) Data (wearing only his normal uniform): 0.93952 minutes until containment breach occurs, sir. Picard (wearing a bulky space suit): Thank you, Data. So, where can we find a gender changer in under a minute? Sheridan (wearing a bulky space suit): It's not our fault that we use a different cabling standard than you do. Data: Sir, I believe I may be able to use my body as a conductor, if I stick my fingers into both sockets. Picard: Be careful, Data. (Bright, colorful, noisy special effects cover Data's upper body, eventually causing his head to pop off and go shooting into space.) Sheridan: Is he going to be all right? Picard: Oh, yes. We'll just have to go retrieve his head and tack it back on. You'd be amazed how many times we've pulled stunts like this before. Sheridan: So anyway, in return for helping you in your hour of need, you're saying you'll promise complete non-interference, leaving us to whatever fate the Great Maker has in store for us? Picard (with a sly grin): That's the beauty of the Prime Directive. Sheridan: I guess that's fair. (The sound of a Vorlon in agony is heard faintly in the distance.) ... (Act IV) (Scene: ready room on the Enterprise. Picard, Riker, La Forge, Data, Crusher, Troi, and Worf are present. The ship has been repaired, and is preparing to leave.) Picard: Can we trust this "Morden?" Riker: I'm not sure we have a choice. La Forge: It could take years for us to find the right exit from "Hyperspace," if it's even possible. Our sensor logs indicate it's a polydimensional Baruchian sub-space interface with a non-Euclidean structure... Picard (cutting him off): So what you're saying is that there's no way to navigate through it? La Forge: It might be possible, Captain; by phase-inverting the lateral sensor array in coordination with a modulated stream of anomalon particles emitted by the main deflector dish, we could polarize the sub-space interface boundary in order to quantum stabilize it. Data: Interesting theory, Geordi; after doing this, one could sequentially rank the stabilized interface nodes through the use of Tinellian identification. La Forge: Right, Data! And then, all we need to do is apply an inverted warp field along the polarized boundary to reverse the intrinsic spin of the local anti-neutrinos... (As La Forge continues, Picard leans over to speak quietly to Riker, whose eyes seem to have glazed over) Picard: Well, Number One, it looks like we won't be needing Mr. Morden. Riker (snapping out of it): I suppose not; although I don't know whether yet another deus ex machina solution will draw in as many viewers as Mr. Morden could have. Picard (to all): Dismissed. (Everyone else runs out of the room, as La Forge and Data continue to level mesmerizing blasts of technobabble at each other...) ... (Scene: Main bridge on the Enterprise. Picard, Riker, Data, Worf, and La Forge are present. Picard, Riker, and Worf have glazed looks in their eyes.) Data: ...but we will have to run a level 3 diagnostic on the starboard power coupling before routing the EPS conduit through it. La Forge: I'll have to take the lateral sensor array off line then; but we could compensate using the manual overrides... Picard (groggily): Would you two... mind taking... this discussion... down to engineering? (Picard slumps forwards in his chair.) ... (Scene: engineering on board the Enterprise. La Forge and Data are present.) La Forge: ...so, if I reroute manual sensor control through this panel, I can induce a feedback loop into the tyrolian matrix. Data: You will need to interrupt the matrix' ODN pathways... (In the background, an engineering ensign slumps forward on his console, activating a button. An alarm goes off, and sprinklers begin showering water throughout engineering.) Picard (via intercom): Would you two mind taking this discussion off the ship? ... (Scene: Main bridge on the Enterprise. Picard, Riker, and Worf are present.) Riker: We'll never make it back to our own universe this way. Those two will talk us right into oblivion. Picard: Perhaps we should call in the help of your Mr. Morden after all. Riker: Right! Now, where did I put that little device... Picard: Don't tell me you've lost it already. Riker: Well, if anyone had thought to include some pockets in these uniforms, I wouldn't have this problem. Worf: We are being hailed, sir. Picard: On screen. Sheridan (on screen): Captain, you'll have to take those two crewmen of yours back on board your ship. I'm getting reports from the Zocalo that people are actually collapsing just from listening to them talk. Picard (worried): But if you could only give them a few more minutes, they might finally finish their discussion... Sheridan (aggravated, on screen): Well, that's too bad, you're getting them back anyway. And if you don't want to listen to them, you know what you can do! (Picard and Riker look at each other...) ... (Scene: Main bridge on the Enterprise. Picard, Riker, Data, and Worf are present. On the viewscreen is a region of swirling red and black clouds.) (Data is continuing his discussion with La Forge over his comm badge. Curiously, all of the bridge staff other than Data have their fingers stuck in their ears and are humming *real* loud.) La Forge (over comm badge): Now, Data! (Data moves his hands over his console.) (Scene: The view shifts to an external view of the Enterprise, in the middle of a region of swirling red and black clouds. Lots of special effects occur around the ship. Finally, a jagged hole appears in space, and the Enterprise moves through it, ending up in a conventional star-filled region of space.) (Scene: The view returns to the main bridge on the Enterprise.) Data (checking console): Captain, we have returned to the point in space where we first encountered the anomaly. ...Captain? (Captain Picard sits in his chair, humming away blissfully.) ... (finale) (Scene: Engineering, on board the Enterprise. La Forge is finally beginning to relax. In one corner of the room, he notices a black, vaguely spider-shaped being manipulating a small plot device with it's forelegs.) La Forge: Hey, you! What are you doing? (The being looks at La Forge and freezes for a moment. Everyone else in the room looks at La Forge in confusion. The being suddenly sprints for the exit with a surprising burst of speed.) La Forge: Stop! (La Forge hits comm badge) La Forge: Intruder Alert! (Other crewpeople are looking all over the room, seeing nothing.) (Scene: Main Bridge) Worf: I can detect no foreign life forms aboard, sir. Data: Captain, there is a ship appearing directly ahead of us. Picard: Full stop! (Scene: the view shifts to an external scene of a large, black spiky ship with coruscating patterns moving across its surface, gradually wavering into being before the Enterprise.) (Scene: the view returns to the main bridge) Picard: Hail them! Worf: They are ignoring our hails. Data: Transporter room 3 in use sir. Picard: Override transporter controls! Data: Too late, sir. (Scene: An external view of black ship passing close to the Enterprise; it fades out of existence.) (Scene: the view returns to the main bridge) Picard: Can we maintain a lock on it? Data: No, sir; sensors no longer detect any sign of the ship. Worf: Captain, I'm reading several unauthorized attempts over the last thirty minutes to access restricted data within the central computer core. If the intruder did manage to access that information... Picard: ...then he may know everything there is to know about Starfleet by now. And we've shown him and his race exactly how to move from their dimension to our own... (End with suitably creepy Chris Franke music.) ---pietrzak@pistachio.cs.uiuc.edu (John Pietrzak) ================ COPYRIGHT NOTICE ================ This newsletter has been assimilated by the Borg. Copyright is irrelevant. Lawyers are irrelevant. Ethics are irrelevant. Resistance is futile. Your laws as they have been are over. From this time forward, copyright will be extinct. The knowledge and experience of the Lawyers, is part of us now. It has prepared us for all possible courses of action. Your resistance is hopeless, lawyers. =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== STAR TREK COMPARATIVE COMMANDER ANALYSIS: Question 1 STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY: 2. The Pilot, Part 2 RESISTANCE: A TNG Serial: Chapter 11: Undercover Chapter 12: A Gift from a Borg ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== TRYING TO LOCATE A COPY OF RIF???? WORLD WIDE WEB/FTP: http://www.marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html ftp://fvkma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif INTERNET EMAIL:Request free subscription: ktaborn@bak2.light- speed.net. LOCAL BBS: There are various BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): RESISTANCE IS FUTILE,Bakersfield, CA (805) 588-9349; AMITREK BBS: Kissimmee, FL (407) 348-3365;WARPCORE: Long Island, NY (516) 243-1698; U.S.S. 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