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Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 subscriptions: ktaborn@lightspeed.net http://www.startrek.in-trier/rif http://www.tamnet.interbusiness.it/htmlpages/adds/ borgpage/ shopslow.htm ftp://fvk ma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 59 RAHMAT 153 B.E. 24 Jun - 12 July ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Endings, Beginnings & Things To Come LIGHTBULB JOKES STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: TNG: Wesley in Love, Part 1 RESISTANCE: A TNG Serial: Chapter 23 A Tragedy Chapter 24 Tying Up Loose Ends STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY: 8. Natural Selection The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Endings ------- The moment worth waiting for: the final chapters of Bernhard Rosenkraenzer's epic TNG meets the Borg one...more...time serial, "Resistance". This series began running in RIF #46 (September 1995). And I always thought the wait between Star War movies was intense. Heck! That's now history. Now we can sleep at nights again. With a quick death blow to Data, Mr. Rosenkraenzer gets our fearless heroes back to regular form after showing those mean old Borg what the Federation is really made of! I am always sad when a series ends, but I am nevertheless comforted by the thought that a departure of one allows an entrance by another. I better stop before I start sounding like Robert Dole. Beginnings ---------- I recently received news that RIF has become the belle of Braga in Portugal. Ole! Or whatever they say in Portugal. (I am bracing myself for the Portuguese flames). Just to amaze your family and friends, Mrs. Miguel Angelo Martins Cosme Santos (Sra. Santos?), I do admit openly that I knew you when you were just a beach bum; yes, when we were all very young in Oxnard. Now look at us! You are in Portugal and I am in Bakersfield, California. Is there no justice? I think I might be onto something there. Anyways, amaze your coffee-drinking pals, senora! Here it is...in print. (The things I do to promote this rag!). And speaking of promotion.... I will be appearing at the XenaFest II on July 21, 1996 in Rancho Cucamonga. Of course I will mainly be shilling my Xena fanzines, but I will also do a hard sell for RIF, the first regular and longest running Star Trek parody ezine on the internet!!!! [insert thunderous applause and unrestrained cheering] I am also planning to attend the Third Annual Star Trek Weekend at Bosch Baha'i School in Santa Cruz, California in October 1996. I will definitely be promoting RIF. There are rumors of a castmember appearing. I will keep you all posted on that. What does this have to do with beginnings? Well, it's the beginning of RIF's total world assimilation. First Braga, Portugal, then the world. It's so obvious, it's an insult that I'd even have to spell it out. Silly Things ------------ Okay. I realize lightbulb jokes are kind of declasse. Alright. They ARE declasse. But they are still cute, easy to understand, and are great ice-breakers at parties. Also are Wesley Crusher stories! You can never have too many of those!!!! Everyone, and I mean everyone, has an opinion about that wild and crazy boy. I threw in a re-writing of a famous scene from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country and rounded everything off with yet another exciting episode of DOOR REPAIR GUY, not to be confused with THE CABLE GUY...I think. Hmmmm. Food for thought, no? Things To Come -------------- The fact that The Powers That Be allowed a Borg movie to be the second Next Generation movie is just too good to be true. It will guarantee this newsletter a year or two of extralongevity! As a service to the borg-loving community I thought I'd pass on some rumors about the movie. It's name is now Star Trek: First Contact. It was Star Trek: Resurrection for a while, but confusion with another pre- production movie forced the producers to change the name. It went through a lot of other names, but I will spare you those. Everybody and their brother are calling it ST:FC, so if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you! The director is Jonathan Frakes. He played Riker. He's also heavily into fandom. That may be a good thing, I hope. The writers are the same guys who did Star Trek: Generations. You can decide yourself whether that is good or bad. Jerry Goldsmith will be doing the score. I am happy about that. I like Mr. Goldsmith. He did the original theme of Star Trek: The Motion Picture which was then used as the theme for the Next Generation television series. Although I personally feel the best Star Trek score was Leonard Rosenman's for Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Mr. Goldman is a good second choice; even though it might have been too fun to have, say, E. Morricone (he did all of those Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns) or Ron Jones (who did the soundtrack to the "Best of Both Worlds" Borg episode on the tv series. Hmmm, I wonder if Morricone is still alive. Didn't he recently score a film???? The budget will be $40 million. Paramount must be a tad optimistic? The shooting began March 28, 1996. Sitings had them shooting in Arizona, Idaho, and California. The release date is set for November 22, 1996! Wish it were sooner! The casting is currently as follows: Picard, Riker, LaForge, Worf, Crusher (the good doctor), Troi (the good daughter), Data, and Barclay will be played by the original castmembers. Robert Picardo from Star Trek Voyager will play the holo-doctor (oh, the possibilities are endless!). James Cromwell (the farmer in Babe) will play Zefram Cochrane (the founder of warp drive and the guy who dates a cloud and doesn't even know it in the original Star Trek episode Metamorphosis; the Star Trek novel Federation uses Cochrane as a major character as well). Alfre Woodard plays Lily Sloane, a new character in Trekdom, along with Alice Krige who will play...er ...eek...the Borg Queen (I was hoping for Tina Turner, especially after her brilliant turn as the Acid Queen in Tommy). And now, for the known story elements (drumroll please): The Enterprise-E will appear and it will be of a new class of ships...the Sovereign class. The Borg will be the major threat. They will be the big cheese. They will be the purpose of the movie. The entire Star Trek franchise rests upon the Borg!!!! Bwahahahahaha. Zefram Cochrane will play a prominent role in the plot. A "Borg Queen" will make an appearance, and she has been described by Frakes as "vicious and hostile". Like, what else would a Borg Queen be? Warm and fuzzy? The Borg will attempt to assimilate the Enterprise and her crew. The Borg are like the energizer bunny. They just keep on going and going and going and going: a true inspiration for these most unstable times. Time-travel will play a major role. A tried and true Star Trek tradition. No more of this nexus-shmexus stuff, we get true time travel. Yeah! There will be no appearance from any TOS characters or actors. Bummer, but verified. Perhaps, though, George Takei will convince someone to put on his Sulu show. He promised he'd get the original supporting cast for that one. It all depends on that Voyager episode. Someone must like it. They are coming out with a paperback of it. However, I digress. And now the last exciting bit of news: the first trailers for Star Trek: First Contact are scheduled to show in front of John Carpenter's Escape From L.A later this summer. Did anyone see Saturday Night Live's "Escape from Escape from New York City"? That says it all! --Oxnardus =============== LIGHTBULB JOKES =============== How many TRIBBLES does it take to screw in a light bulb? One but all you have to do is feed it How does a TAMARIAN say the light bulb is burned out? Sylvania, when the lamp failed. What do you do with an old light bulb? Feed it to a Horta. How many WESLEY CRUSHERS does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. He's that good. How many VULCANS does it take to screw in a light bulb? Any more than one would be illogical. Approximately 1.0000000000000. How many STAR FLEET officers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the light bulb, and the other to die shortly after they beam down. None, it would be interfering with the natural development of the light bulb. ---Anonymous ====================================== STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY ====================================== Chekov: Guess who's coming to dinner? Uhura: Who? Kirk: Yeah Chekov, who? Sulu: I would also like to know? Chekov: The klingons you morons... Spock: I knew that. I invited them. Kirk: You? I didn't give you permission. You're not the Captain. Spock: Jim, do you remember when we flipped to see who would be Captain for this mission? Kirk: Yeah... What are you trying to get at? Spock: I won the coin toss. I am Captain of the Enterprise. Kirk: Oh, yeah... okay let's have it your way... If the Klingons fire at us I'll stand back and watch you take care of the situation. Spock: Jim, if the Klingons attack, you become the Captain. Remember, I'm not trying to upstage you as Captain of the Enterprise. Kirk: Okay... (In the transporter room. Kirk, Scotty, Spock all standing behind bullet proof glass.) Kirk: Scotty let's do it. Scotty: Only if Captain Spock gives me the order. Kirk: Spock... Spock: Very well... Captain Scott energize.... (Just as he engages the controls an unfamiliar sound is heard.) Scotty: What the bloody... I just fixed this d*mn thing! Kirk: Spock? What is that? (Kirk referring to what appears to be a blue telephone box.) Spock: Jim, I don't know... (Dr. Who Steps out of the box.) Who: Pardon me gentleman, do you have any Grey Poupon? Spock: What? Scotty: I got some... (Scotty quickly goes over to Dr. who and pulls from his pocket vest a small bottle of grey Poupon.) Who: Why thank you... (takes the lid off and spreads some on his sandwich.) Well, I must me going... Thanks... (Dr. Who leaves. The Tardis disappears and in its place are chancellor Gorkin, General Chang, Azetbur, and Kern...) Scotty: Grey Poupon, the universal mustard of the entire known and unknown galaxy. Kirk: Hi guys... Glad you could make it. Gorkin: Excuse me? Aren't you Kirk? Kirk: Yep. Gorkin: Don't you hate Klingons? Kirk: Yep. Gorkin: I thought so... Spock: Gentleman if you will please follow me... We can have dinner. Chang: Ahh Kirk.... (Kirk cutting in.) Kirk: Watch it General Chang... The last person who mocked me became part of a nebula. Chang: Kirk? I was just going to tell you, that you are a mighty fine warrior. Kirk: Right... Chang: I mean that in a respectful manner... Kirk: Sure... (The Klingons exit and Uhura and Chekov are the only ones left in the transporter room.) Chekov: Did you catch that awful smell? Uhura: That's what happens when you don't take a bath for more than a week. Chekov: I don't understand... I never take baths... Uhura: See... That's the whole point... (Dinner Scene) Chang: To be or not to be... (In Klingon.) Kirk: What? What are you talking about? Chang: Shakespeare. Kirk: You raided our private literature files? Kern: (Whispering to Chang.) I told you we should never have asked Valeris to down load the Federation banks, not to mention Kirk's log... Chang: SHUT UP!!! Spock: Is there something a matter? Chang: No... Just Kern telling me an old war story in Klingonese. Gorkin: Kirk, have you heard of the undiscovered Country? Kirk: You mean the title for this movie were in? Gorkin: No... You know, change... A change from hostilities to peace. Kern: It's like this, you see... We need breathing room from the hostilities. Kirk: Ahhh... Earth, Hitler, Germany, 1938... Gorkin: Whatever... Anyway we want peace. Kirk: Okay, but first let's have a few laughs... (snaps his fingers and a waiter appears with a flask of blue liquid..) Kern: Is that Romulan Ale? Kirk: Sure is. Valeris got it for us at a discount rate. Azetbur: Isn't Romulan Ale forbidden? Kirk: Yes and no.. After all who is going to report it right? Kern: (Whispering to Chang..) We have to have a talk with Valeris... She should not have done that. They might be onto us. Chang: SHUT UP! Azetbur: Tell me Uhura... Why are you staring at me when I eat? Uhura: I just never saw anyone eat without a knife or fork before. Azetbur: WHAT? You think I eat like an animal? Uhura: No, no, no... I'm sorry... Azetbur: You should be.. I still get a better speaking part than you in this adventure... Imagine constantly saying: Hailing frequencies open sir. Uhura: It brings me a handsome paycheck... Gorkin: Here let me try this: (Burps) How was that? Spock: Very disgusting... Gorkin: Good, I win Kirk... Well I better be going... I guess I had a little too much.. McCoy: Haven't we all... THE END? ---Mitch Holzman ================== CUTTING ROOM FLOOR ================== [Cutting Room Floor is a series memorializing scenes from the various incarnations of Star Trek which ended up on the cutting room floor.] Star Trek: TNG Wesley in Love, Part I ---------------------------------------- [Various episodes TNG] Wesley was puttering about with the warp engines, one day, when a thought suddenly occurred to him. "Geordi, how do you meet girls?" he asked. Geordi paused, considering. "Well Wes, the first thing you do is take her to a nice romantic beach scene, on the holodeck." "Oh! What next?" "Dress casual, you know." "Go on, go on." "Start off with some small talk," said Geordi. "Make sure she laughs at your jokes." Wesley frowned. "How do I do that?" "You program her to silly," said Geordi. "Tell you what. I'll let you have a date with one of my regular girlfriends. Go to the holodeck, and run program 'Geordi 27'. You'll like her, she's really nice.".... ---Steve Gordon (editorman@aol.com) ============================== RESISTANCE: Chapters 23 and 24 ============================== Part 12 of 12 A Star Trek: Next Generation Serial Chapter Twenty-three: A Tragedy Data left for Engineering. He knew he had to hurry up - especially since he knew the Borg better than Seron did. The Borg would find a way to adapt to the new strategy before Seron's 37 - 35 by now - minutes had passed. All engineers were told to leave Engineering. When Data was alone, he started working on the cloaking device. He opened it - and engineering was filled with a deadly amount of gamma radiation. Data activated the emergency seals. If some of this radiation left Engineering uncontrolled, it could result in the loss of more than a 1000 people on the Enterprise. Though Data was not quite familiar with Romulan technology, he managed to find and disable the sender without further problems. He told the transporter chief to beam him out of Engineering. Using the doors was too dangerous because of the radiation - and trying to access the collective Borg mind from Engineering would not be a good idea. If something went wrong, nobody would be there to notice. According to Seron's calculation, he had 15 more minutes. Data arrived on the bridge, and started his link to the Borg ship immediately. "Accessing...Intriguing...Course 148 mark 72. Maximum speed. Delete memory areas two, seven and five..." The Borg ship started turning away from the Enterprise, and accelerated to a high speed. Data continued giving commands. "Turn off sensors... Set c..." He fell on the floor, showing no life signs. "Mr. LaForge, what happened?" Picard asked. LaForge had already started scanning Data. The expression on his face led Picard to the conclusion that the readings didn't look good for Data. Then, LaForge confirmed Picard's concerns. "He's dead." Chapter Twenty-Four: Tying Up Loose Ends "Captain's log, star date 48059.4. We have managed to get the collective Borg ship out of Federation space - but we have lost one of our most valuable crew members. We have canceled our mission at Ragar IV in order to take Data's body to the Daystrom institute. Maybe some time in the future, someone will be able to revive him." Picard finished his log entry, thinking about Data. He didn't really believe Data could be restored. In fact, he mentioned the possibility in his log only in order to calm down the crew. While Picard thought about a replacement for Data - as difficult as it was for him, it had to be done - the turbolift doors opened. Before he realized it, Picard heard a familiar voice saying "Request permission to return to duty, Sir." "Data! We thought you were dead!" "When they discovered my intrusion in their commands, the Borg overloaded my primary circuits, Captain. My self-repair program took my full power, that's why you couldn't read any life signs." "They noticed your intrusion? Can they undo your programming?" "Negative. I ordered them to get out of Federation territory, delete all information about Federation ships - and forget the access codes for highlevel commands. I believe they will find a way to adapt to the new situation, but given the current information we have about the Borg, I estimate they will be 83,452 lightyears away from Federation space by that time." "Why so slow? They adapted to our cloaking device lots faster." "They were not prepared for sabotage from within, Captain. By the time they put their regenerative command on a higher level, they thought they were completely safe from external tampering." "It's good to have you back, Mr. Data." Picard said. Broadening his grin, he added "And, permission granted." The Enterprise set a course for Ragat IV, then increased to Warp 8. THE END ---Bernhard Rosenkraenzer: bero@rage.fido.de ========================== STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY ========================== Season 01. Episode 08. "Natural Selection" Previously on Star Trek: Door Repair Guy: "Riker did this! Oh, where will it end?" +++ And now this week's exciting episode: Shot of Borg Cube/Saucer Section confederation leaving Mopsan orbit. The door chimes. "Come." Lt. Cmdr. Data enters. "Captain, we have completed our survey of the planet Mopsa." "Excellent, Mr Data. Have you found anything of interest?" "Yes, Captain. The planet is entirely capable of supporting humanoid life. However, we have been unable to identify any indigenous lifeform superior to a remarkably varied family of rodentia which might best be classified as 'chipmunkoid'. These creatures appear to have descended from one single group of ancestors. By measuring genetic drift we have postulated a genesis nest dating 150,000 years before the present day. It raises the possibility that ancient travellers from the Milky Way once passed this way, spreading chipmunks as they went. From their nucleus population the chipmunkoids have evolved in a remarkable variety of directions. It is a perfect demonstration of the principles of Charles Darwin, Captain. To use a figure of speech, sir, Mopsa is a veritable Galapagos of chipmunks. The chipmunks have evolved to fill every available ecological niche. There are flying chipmunks, aquatic chipmunks, tiny intestinal chipmunks, as well as huge tusked chipmunks who spent their lives browsing the tundra of the subarc . . . Captain, have I said something amusing?" Picard wipes his eyes. "I'm sorry, Mr Data, you didn't. You did. Forgive me. It's just that the image of intrepid chipmunks conquering a new world . . . it just . . . it just tickled my funny bone." Data frowns, flexes his arm, and looks at his elbow. "Do you mean I told a joke, sir?" "No, Data. You didn't tell a joke. That's what made it funny. It was situational humour." "So, there are situations in which a person can be a source of humour by . . . not being funny." "Yes." "And it is always unintentional." "Indeed, no, Mr Data. The history of comedy is full of straight men who were funny by intentionally not telling jokes. Bob and Ray are an example." "Accessing. Curious. They specialized in the interview format. Both were straight men. Neither one of them told jokes. Yet they were revered as masters of comedy." "That's right." "I shall have to watch for situations in which humour arises without the telling of jokes. Thank you, Captain." "Quite all right. Is that all, Mr Data?" Data snaps out of his review of the collected works of Bob and Ray, says, "Yes, Captain," and exits. Picard presses a control, clears his throat and begins his log entry. "Captain's Log, stardate 49599.0. We continue our exploration of the anomalous Cuniculi Cluster deep in intergalactic space. We find the planet Mopsa entirely capable of supporting humanoid life. I am recommending the planet for possible colonization, if anyone can be persuaded to live this far from the bright lights . . . and if we ever get back through the wormhole to report on it. We are moving on to the planet Cauda Linea. "Meanwhile, we maintain a constant monitor of the movements of the missing Battle Section, which has been infiltrated by Technician Door Repair Guy and Lt. Worf, and which now appears to be under the control of some new rogue officer. Lt. Cmdrs. Data and La Forge, who beamed over from the Battle Section just before it headed for the Dominus McGregor Nebula, report that the mutinous Cmdr. Riker met a sudden and grizzly demise in a turbolift shaft. It is sad to think that all that remain of a brilliant career are a few chili recipes in the replicator. As for the Battle Section, we can only speculate on who controls that vessel now." The Battle Section banks around an arm of the Dominus McGregor Nebula. "Rogue Captain's Log, stardate 49599.0, William Riker reporting. We continue to orbit this nebula, awaiting the reappearance of the Borg ship. I have devised fourteen scenarios designed to lure the Borg to their destruction, but so far they are not biting. In the absence of Data and La Forge, who beamed over to the Borg ship and are no doubt assimilated by now, most officers, all of them junior, have come over to my banner. There remain a small number of bothersome truancies, however. Commbadges have been stolen, deactivated or mysteriously duplicated. I am no longer certain how many people are aboard or whether there are efforts being made against my command. I continue to eat and sleep on the battle bridge. Riker out." He turns, scratches his beard, and asks the ensign nearest him, "What do think? Pizza or Chinese tonight?" The ensign tries to look enthusiastic about the choice. "We had Chinese for lunch, sir." "True." He rubs his belly. "But I'm still hungry for almond guy ding. Chinese it is." "Very good, sir." She rolls her eyes when he's looking the other way. Three-quarter view of Borgoprise flying at warp speed, the stars streaking behind. Suddenly the blue tractor beams joining the Saucer to the Cube wink out and the Cube comes to a dead stop, dwindling away into the distance. The Saucer, carrying on as the vestigial warp envelope dissipates, drops out of warp a moment later and also comes to a dead stop. The main bridge. The bridge crew are all over the place. Small planets are orbiting the heads of the conn and ops officers, who have both piled up against the main viewscreen. The tactical officer has landed face down in the captain's chair. Picard staggers out of his ready room, wearing most of a cup of Earl Grey. "What in d****ation is going on out here?!" A lieutenant trying to staunch a nosebleed reports: "The Borg shib hash deactivaded itsh tracdor beamsh and drobbed oud of warb, Cabdain. *sniff*" "Casualty reports coming in, sir. Over three hundred broken noses." Counsellor Troi spills out of the turbolift. "Captain! I was on my way up to warn you!" "Warn me what, Counsellor? That the Borg have turned against us?" "No, Captain! They've forgotten us!" +++ "Crawlspace: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain proximity- activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has gone before." [Music] Star Trek: Door Repair Guy Whoosh! (the Battle Section) Starring Door Repair Guy as Himself Whoosh! (the Saucer Section/Borg Cube) Also Starring Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard Whoosh! (the Battle Section again) Jonathan Frakes as Cmdr. William Riker Michael Dorn as Lt. Worf LeVar Burton as Lt. Cmdr. Geordi LaForge Gates McFadden as Doctor Beverly Crusher Marina Sirtis as Counsellor Deanna Troi and Brent Spiner as Lt. Cmdr. Data The Saucer Section looms into view, followed by the Borg Cube. Those with really big TV screens can see the construction paper cut-out bunnies stuck on the observation lounge windows by acting ensigns Edwina and Clarabelle. The combined Borgoprise warps off in a burst of light. +++++ [Commercial: "I'm in this Klingon opera to show just how Klingon our new subs sandwiches are."] +++++ Shot of the Battle Section skirting the edge of the nebula. A corridor. Doctor Selar approaches, walking calmly and observantly, hands folded behind her back, just like a Vulcan. She passes a security guard and nods. The guard nods back, suddenly feeling vaguely guilty and undeserving beneath the calm gaze of Vulcan rationality. Vulcans do that to humans, and Doctor Selar is good at it. The doctor enters a little-used medical lab and keys in a security code at an inner door marked "Xenobiology -- Specimens". Inside there is a work station and a wall of large drawers. She pulls one open and removes the cortical stimulator from the forehead of the specimen. "Wake up." Door Repair Guy blinks and fixes a stare on the doctor. "I'm a spaceman, not a specimen." "It took you four days to think that up?" She scans him carefully with a medical tricorder. "I thought it was pretty good." "Sit up. Take deep breaths." She surveys a series of tissue regenerators arranged around his chest and back. "You have survived, thanks to your alien implants. They appear to have redirected the energy of Cmdr. Riker's phaser blast into the subspace realm. A number of the relays have burnt out entirely. You will have to have them replaced. Do you have a warranty?" "The guy's a friend of mine." "That is fortunate. Your back currently displays the message LABATT M------ ICE." "Ha! Maybe I'll get a free case of beer out of this." "Fascinating." "What is?" "The human capacity for tangential thought." "I'm also good at fuzzy logic." "Doubtlessly. Tell me, technician, do you have a message from Captain Picard?" "Huh? How do you know I'm from Captain Picard?" "I am good at logic. Cmdr. Riker is maintaining a constant watch for a vessel he believes to be a member of the Borg collective, and has shot you in the belief that you are Borg. You display extensive Borg implantation. However, you also exhibit undeniable human personality traits. I conclude that Picard has somehow managed to assimilate a group of stranded, individualized Borg, and is using their technology to compensate for the loss of the Battle Section." "Close, but no banana. It's not assimilation. It's confederation." She sits back on the edge of the desk. "Of course. Nineteenth-century Canada. The model for all subsequent civilized societies." "We have a bingo!" She gives him a look that indicates she thinks he's a specimen, not a spaceman. "Technician, I am in the unenviable situation of depending on your help. I represent a small number of officers and crew who believe that Commander Riker must be returned to the brig. You helped him seize control of this ship. You know his methods. Will you help us seize back the ship?" "Hm. What's in it for me?" "Commendation. A chance to return to Federation space. Access to your personal quarters, which Commander Riker now has under 24-hour guard." "My stuff! That tears it. I'll do anything you want." "Fascinating." A moving turbolift car. We look down from overhead. The decks zip by, then slow. The doors open and a tall male extra in a blue uniform enters. The car moves on, then slows and stops. Data enters and the extra and he exchange nods. The car starts moving. Both Data and the extra stand as people do in elevators: both of them look at door. Soon, however, Data glances at his own elbow, then at the elbow of the extra. The extra studiously ignores him. Data leans toward the extra, hesitates, then begins to tickle the man's elbow with his index finger. For a moment the man doesn't realize what's going on, then suddenly he starts and pulls his elbow away, hitting it against a metal upright in the wall. "Ouch!! I hit my funny bone! Ow! I hate that! It's all numb! Ooo!" The turbolift slows and Data escapes. +++++ [Commercial: Romulan Ale Max] +++++ The conference room. Seated around the table are Picard, Doctor Crusher, Troi, Data and Geordi. "Counsellor, what do you think has happened over there?" "Well, Captain, I believe that they have all turned their attention toward some problem or other, to the exclusion of all other considerations." Geordi: "Captain, based on our observation of earlier Borg encounters, this seems to be fairly standard behaviour for them. When they all agree to go somewhere, they go, warp nine. When they have some problem to work through they're likely to stop dead in space until they have it figured out." "I thought they had lost all capacity for united action." Troi: "Yes, they had, Captain, soon after they were cut off from the greater Borg collective. Since then they have been working individually through the dilemma of their individuality." Geordi: "And their ship's systems have been able to continue to operate only because they were tied in to certain subroutines slaved to our main computer frame. But their capacity for collective action never disappeared entirely because the programming . . . ." Troi: "What you might also call their collective unconscious . . . ." Geordi: "Never disappeared. It was always there, waiting for them to get over their confusion." "So they are all beginning to think alike again." "Not necessarily, Captain," interjects Doctor Crusher. "My department's observations have shown increased individuality among these Borg. They argue, they lie, they compete and show off, and there's always some kind of scuffle breaking out. I'd say the idea of individual self-interest is very firmly imbedded in their thinking now." Troi: "They may have re-established what we would call a sense of community within which their individuality can operate. You may recall that we provided them with our political philosophy database. What we are seeing may be the next step in their group development." Picard: "And I would say that the only way to find that out for sure would be to go and have a look." He hits his commbadge. "Picard to Helm. How long until we reach the Borg ship at full impulse power?" *Forty-three minutes, ship's time, Captain* "Make it so." The conference breaks up. Data is the last to leave. He gets out of his chair, but hesitates and looks down, frowning. "There was not a single joke in that scene, and still no one laughed." He glances to one side, then the other, decides he still hasn't got it, and follows the others out. The Saucer makes a turn and powers away in the direction of the Borg ship. +++++ [Commercial: Klingon Blood Wine Max] [Bob: Oka-a-y. Some Door Repair Guy rumours. Apparently -- and I have this directly from the grocery checkout -- apparently there are three scripts being considered for the Star Trek: Door Repair Guy: The Motion Picture ah motion picture which may or may not be made at the end of this season, depending on whether QVC or Viacom buys Paramount Pictures, and whether Door Repair Guy signs a contract, which up 'til now he has not yet done, because apparently he wants to direct the picture, and, well, you remember Star Trek V. So, anyway, the first script involves an enormous alien probe that sneaks up on the Earth, and rings all the doorbells and runs away. I kid you not. And Door Repair Guy has to solve that. And the second is all about the Klingons, and how Door Repair Guy was trained in, in door repair, by the Klingons. You remember that guy Krell. Well, he would be in it. Played by John Colicos I hear. And the third script, which is the one I would really like to see, is a sequel to the original Star Trek episode "Assignment: Earth", in which Door Repair Guy and Gary Seven have to go through that door in the computer and rescue Terry Garr from endless guest appearances on the Letterman Show.] +++++ Shot of the Saucer Section coasting up to the stationary Borg Cube. The interior of the Borg ship. Three shimmering columns of transporter effect appear. Troi, Dr Crusher and Geordi materialize in a circle, back to back, with tricorders held out. La Forge: "Doctor, my tricorder is picking up incredible levels of local subspace activity." "Can you characterize it?" "It's communication traffic for sure. These Borg are thinking up a storm." Troi: "They are preoccupied. I'm sensing the strangest mixture of anxiety, jealousy, indignation, braggadocio, bravura, idealism, self-satisfaction and greed." "Here comes one now." A Borg hisses and wheezes by, ignoring them. Doctor Crusher reaches out and grabs it by the prosthesis. It stops and turns. "Hey!" "It's all right. I'm a doctor. What's going on here?" The Borg glances from person to person, it's optical implant zooming in and out with a whirring motor sound as it refocuses on each one in turn. "The ship. We must save the ship." It reaches into a large pocket, pulls out an oversized button, and attaches it to Doctor Crusher's lapel. Counsellor Troi and Lt. Cmdr. La Forge also each get a button. The Borg turns and walks away, its joints producing a variety of pneumatic sound effects. They look down at their buttons. Crusher: "'Think Green.' What do you suppose that means?" La Forge: "Beats me. Here comes another one." This Borg is draped in red ribbons. It stops when it sees them and pronounces: "Down with the petty Borgeoisie." It walks on. "This is very strange." "Here comes another one." A third Borg approaches. This one looks them up and down and declares, "Vive le Borg. Vive le Borg libre!" "How odd!" Troi: "Beverly, I think I know what's going on here. It's election day!" Beverly looks amazed, Geordi whistles in surprise, Deanna looks serious and wide-eyed, and we go to commercial. +++++ [Commercial: 1% Milk Max] +++++ The three of them stand there in the same positions they were in before the commercial. Geordi: "A Borg election? That's something I never expected to see." Crusher: "I wonder how they plan to go about it?" Troi: "There's a door over there. It looks like some kind of campaign centre. Let's find out." They approach a door bearing the sign Yellow Party. They enter. It's the foyer of Not Fragile Surgical Implants. Geordi: "I've been here before." Madeline the receptionist sits behind a display of campaign literature. She has her chin in her hand and her elbow on the desk. She chews her gum and watches the three as they look around. Doctor Crusher approaches the desk. "Excuse me. Is there an election going on? How are you doing this? Will the results be out soon? What issues are at stake?" "Yeah, there's an election. What planet you been on?" Troi steps forward. "It's just that we've never seen Borg democracy in action before. Tell us, what does the Yellow Party stand for?" The Borg implant specialist Not Fragile steps from the inner office with his arms in a wide, welcoming gesture. "The Yellow Party stands for the gradual assimilation of the Federation, based on the unregulated supply of surgical implant services and a free market economy." Geordi: "You mean, if enough humans come and get Borg implants from you, eventually we'll all be as good as Borg, and everyone will be happy?" "Precisely, my friend. Precisely. I must say I admire your optical implant. A fine piece of work. Fine." "Ah, gee, thanks." Troi: "Tell me, sir. How many parties are running?" "Three hundred and five at the registration deadline." "That's more than one for every two Borg." "Which puts us slightly in the lead. Right, Madeline?" "Yeah, right." He gives her a look that suggests he has doubts about her loyalty. "Will there be an actual ballot? What happens if no party achieves a majority?" "Oh, we vote in our heads. Whatever government we form will represent a reasonable amalgamation of all platforms." "Deanna, this is incredible. We've got to report back to the Captain." Geordi: "Wait a minute, Doctor." He addresses Not Fragile: "What happens to the Saucer Section?" Not Fragile makes a gesture that would involve running his thumbs up and down the inside of his suspenders, if he had any. "We'll know that when the people have spoken." +++++ [Commercial: Pepto Bismal Max] +++++ A small storage room somewhere in the Battle Section. Door Repair Guy, Doctor Selar, and the annoying lieutenant from "Suspicions" are all squeezed in and looking uncomfortable and impatient. Annoying lieutenant: "Where in blazes is that security guard? She's eleven minutes late!" Doctor Selar: "Lieutenant, Security Guard Braun is under close observation at all times. It is reasonable to assume she has been forced to take special measures to reach us here." "Yeah, lighten up, eh? You're gettin on my nerves." "I haven't forgotten about that gakh." "It was delicious." "Technician, please. He's growing pale. If you provoke an unfortunate incident we will all be wearing it." "All right, all right." They all shift uncomfortably, all suffering numbness of the posterior musculature. Security Guard Ursula Braun slips out of a Jefferies Tube, crosses a corridor, and disappears into a nearby room. She emerges from another door further down the corridor and hurries down a side corridor nearby. She is about enter a turbolift when she overhears footsteps in the nearby corridor, and presses her back against a closed door. Two crewmembers walk past the entrance of the side corridor without noticing her. She is about to move away toward the turbolift when the door behind her opens and a hand closes over her mouth and pulls her into a darkened room. She gets her teeth around the middle two fingers of the hand and grinds. There is a tremendous yell and she finds herself flying up and over her assailant's back. She hits the floor on the other side of the room, a padded armchair breaking her fall. She scrambles behind a table and squints furiously, trying to make out her adversary in the dark. The table leg lifts away from her hand and she perceives her opponent's wide set feet. She grabs an ankle and pulls it out. Her opponent hits the floor and the table lands on top of him. She hears it clatter aside. Throwing herself toward the dark shape on the floor, she lands with a knee in her assailant's solar plexus. She gets a couple of shots in on what feels like a very solid chin before she is spun head over heals. She collides with the floor and rolls. Her hand comes in contact with a metal handle. She grabs it and lunges sideways across the room at knee level. She catches the assailant off-stride and he crashes over her. She leaps and lands with one foot on his chest and the metal object jabbing at his throat. She shouts, "Computer, lights on!" and bends down snarling at Lt. Worf, who is drawing a hand back to punch the weapon from his throat and snarling up at her. They remain in this attitude for a split second. "Oh." "Oh." "Security Guard Braun." "Chief of Security Worf." He stands, straightens his cat burglar suit, and adjusts his pony tail. "A commendable display of self-defence. A little more pressure on the bat'telh would have completed the job. You must come to my clinic." She throws her head from side to side, feeling profound depths of personal satisfaction. Her brown braids do a little celebration dance. "I am just on my way to a small gathering of mutineers. Would you like to join me, Lieutenant?" "Excellent. I would be honoured." They walk out together. "That bite. Very painful." View of the Battle Section rounding the nebula. "Ensign. Let me know as soon as sensors reacquire the Borg ship." "Readings just coming in now, sir. Sir! The Borg ship has divided into two parts! They're standing dead in space!" Riker rises from his chair. "This is just the opportunity I've been waiting for! Arm photon torpedoes! Phasers ready! Helm, initiate attack approach Riker Delta Three." The nacelles gather steam and the Battle Section goes to warp speed in a burst of light, leaving behind the nebula and the words ...CONTINUED NEXT EPISODE ----Douglas A. 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