_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** AN ALL TALK NO ACTION PUBLICATION RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 subscriptions: ktaborn@lightspeed.net http://www.startrek.in-trier.de/rif http://www.tamnet.interbusiness.it/htmlpages/adds/ borgpage/ shopslow.htm ftp://fvk ma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 62 'IZZAT (Might) 153 B.E. 8 Sept. - 27 Sept. 1996 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Le Morte D'Seska FIVE REASONS THE SKIPPER IS BETTER THAN KIRK CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: TNG: Wesley in Love, Part 3 STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT DREAM STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY: 11. Cadua Linea The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== I was going to write a short appreciation of Seska, but I am still recovering from her demise. Perhaps someday I will be able to write about it. I will miss, Seska. ============================================ FIVE REASONS THE SKIPPER IS BETTER THAN KIRK ============================================ 1. Romulans and Klingons, nothing; the Skipper was on Guadalcanal! 2. The Skipper beached the Minnow and was stranded with Ginger. If Kirk had any brains he'd have done the same with Yeoman Rand. 3. If Spock is first officer, being captain is easy... just try fighting space battles with Gilligan around. 4. The Skipper can take a coconut to the head while Kirk gets rendered unconscious by little hypersonic waves. 5. The Skipper has less of a gut. ---Bryan Czerwinski (a019882t@seflin.bcfreenet.lib.fl.us) ================== CUTTING ROOM FLOOR ================== [Cutting Room Floor is a series memorializing scenes from the various incarnations of Star Trek which ended up on the cutting room floor.] Star Trek: TNG Wesley in Love, Part III ------------------------------------------- [TNG: various episodes] "Mom, I need your advice," said Wesley. "Why certainly, Wesley," said Beverly Crusher, giving a syrupy smile. "About dating. I've met a nice girl-" "Yes, yes, go on." "But everytime we date, she polymorphs into a monster." "I know what you mean," said Dr. Crusher, getting a far away look in her eyes. "I was in love once. Odon... he was a great man..." "I mean, it happens everywhere, even in public-" "Of course, he wasn't really a man at all," said Crusher. "Last week she turned into a monster in 10 Forward," said Wesley. "I was so embarrassed-" "He was a worm, actually, a giant one," said Dr. Crusher. "The worm was inside his body. But it kept coming out...." "I said to her, listen, you've got to stop turning into a monster in front of other people-" "I tried to adapt," said Dr. Crusher. "We tried to do things together... digging for nutrients in the biolab... but we really stopped communicating after that...." "-and then she slimed me! How'm I supposed to deal with that?" Beverly Crusher looked up. "I'm sorry Wesley. Were you saying something?" Suddenly she looked at her son. He was covered with green ooze. "Wesley! What did I tell you about regular bathing!" ---Steve Gordon (editorman@aol.com) ============================== STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT DREAM ============================== I am not an avid Trekker, however, I do enjoy TNG and I found Generations to be fairly entertaining, despite its problems. I read all the rec.arts.startrek.* groups regularly, and post infrequently. I have seen all the fake, contrived, partially true, and possibly true scripts that have been posted, and they all had a part in this dream. Now, without further ado, I present my psychosis to the world... My Wacko ST:FC Dream -------------------- with Creative Input From: 1. All the posters in the Star Trek Usenet Groups 2. Aliens 3. BW3, for many beers and hot wings the night before this dream 4. Oh yeah, Trek too The dream (movie) began with me sitting in my condo in Florida. I have a small place in Cape Canaveral I inherited from my Grandparents, and my wife and I go migrate down from Michigan every so often to hang out and be warm. My parents were also there in this dream, as they are sometimes in real life. In this dream, I had an RV. You know, a recreational vehicle. I don't really have one, (nor would I want one) but it did serve me in this dream. And, btw, this was a nice RV (I think - I know little about RV's). My family and I were hanging out getting ready to head out to the beach when we heard a knock at the door. I went over and answered it, and (ta da!) it was Captain Picard and the other 6 big crew members. For some reason, this did not seem out of place. I told you this was wacko. Dreamer's Note : At this point in the Dream, the Prime Directive went right out the window. They were all wearing the ST:First Contact uniform as seen on Entertainment Tonight, and Geordi had his new ocular implants in place. I thought they looked pretty hot outside in the 90 degree Florida heat in these wool jumpsuits, so I invited them all in (thank goodness for Air Conditioning). Captain Picard was then nice enough to explain to me why he had come a knocking...interrupting an otherwise uneventful vacation. He told me that he had noticed the RV out front, and Data, using some cool Tricorder trick, had traced its owner to this Condo. I told Captain Picard that I was the owner of the RV, and he proceeded to explain that he needed my help in saving the world from a Borg Invasion. OK. The comic aspect of the situation was not lost on me in the dream. There I was, standing in a small kitchen in my bathing suit looking at some guy from a TV show telling me that I was going to be part of a grand adventure to save the planet, possibly the galaxy! I agreed to help him, and my family fell in behind me, pledging their support to do anything they could to prevent the fall of the earth. Captain Picard then outlined our role in the plan. We had to give him and his crew a ride to the Kennedy Space Center. This is where the RV becomes important. It was the only vehicle large enough available (their transporters were probably down). Realizing that my movie credit was going to be the 'RV Driver', my enthusiasm waned. Oh well, I had a job to do, and D*mn*t, I was going to drive Captain Picard and his crew...really well! By the time I changed into real clothes, and my mom had had time to throw together a picnic lunch (she insisted - we might get hungry on the way), it was night and there was a storm rolling in. There was an extremely low cloud ceiling, and it was both foggy and hazy. Real Creepy. We loaded up the RV, and started out toward the Space Center. Oh, and one other note...on the way to the RV, I overheard a conversation between Picard and Data. Picard asked Data about their friendship in light of the emotion chip. Data said that in case they didn't make it he wanted him to know that he considered him a dear friend and actually called him 'Jean-Luc' It was very well done (in the dream). So, after loading the crew on board, we took off up A1A towards the Space Center. On the way, I insisted that my guests from the future clue me in on the events that brought them into my life. They told me that, first of all, Star Trek is an insight into the true future brought to us by the world's first time traveler, Gene Roddenberry. OK. This was weird. Second of all, the Borg had come back to assimilate the Earth before the release of the movie ST: First Contact to prevent Earth from knowing the way to stop the Borg when they tried to assimilate Zephrem Cochran. OK...Time Out Here. I know that this is RIPE with inconsistencies, please do not flame me for my dreams. I did however know enough to say, "If Star Trek is the future, what happened to the Eugenics War?" Jean - Luc said, "It was prevented due to the insight of Roddenberry." I know, another inconsistency, but HEY, this is my dream. I then asked about transportation, you know, why they needed the RV. This is what happened. The temporal anomaly that sent the Borg to 1996 collapsed as the big E-E was diving into it, attempting to follow. They got about 90% of the way in, and the rest of the ship was left in the future. The E-E had about 75% of its nacelles when it came through the hole, and it was in bad shape. Using emergency backup power and a new power storage core, the E-E was able to cloak and land (new features obviously) at the only 1996 facility with a snowball's chance in Hades of being able to repair it, Kennedy Space Center. Their scientists, who know about Star Trek, time travel, and the current Borg invasion, began work on it as soon as it landed. The NASA scientists had briefed the crew on the signs they had found of a Borg invasion after the E-E landed. Of particular interest was a new shallow water animal among the shore life of the beaches of Cocoa Beach and Cape Canaveral. This animal resembled a Horseshoe Crab, but it was paler with a fleshy back instead of a shell. Sound familiar (Alien)? People who came in contact with this animal began exhibiting changes, including a transformation of their cranial plates to expose their brains. This induced a coma- like state, which the scientists postulated was the state in which people were assimilated. The NASA scientists concluded that the first wave of the Borg assimilation was happening here because it is the center of 1996's Earth's advanced Space Research Projects. Dreamer's Note: Unlike the Borg invasions seen in the TV series, I got the idea that this invasion was being done clandestinely, for what reason, I don't know. It was a much more sinister, and I found it to be a more terrifying thought then the out and out creaming of Earth. Very Dominion like. The crew then took to investigating this animal phenomenon, and eventually found an underwater, offshore Borg invasion base using a cloaked shuttle (cool huh, a shuttle underwater?) After detecting the base, they fell under attack by the base's automated defense systems. It banged their shuttle up pretty good, and they barely made it back to land where they were able to scuttle the shuttle by sending her out to sea and activating the self destruct. That's when they found me. Now, back to the RV. As we turned up the highway to cross the Banana River and head towards the Space Center, I was struck with the most desperate sense of fear I have ever known in a dream. What I thought was far-off lightning began to resolve into ruby-colored streams of light backlighting low clouds in the distance. All of a sudden, I knew, that was phaser fire. Then, farther on, and higher up, a whitish, burst illuminated half the sky for just a moment. I turned to Data, who was sitting behind Captain Picard, who was in the passenger seat. Data said somberly, "A Photon Torpedo just detonated the in atmosphere. It would appear additional time jumps have taken place." Then, something amazing came into view. An Intrepid Class Starship came out of the low cloud bank just ahead of the RV. The first thing I saw was the saucer section break the clouds (reminiscent of ST:Gen), then the forward phasers began firing at a ground target behind me. Troi yelled, "It's the Voyager! They're going after the underwater base!" As we approached the base, a small Borg fighter swooped down and trained its weapons on what we thought was us. Can you imagine this? A small Borg fighter about to blow an RV off the road? Very comical, but in the dream I was freaked out. The fighter let a volley of what looked like torps go. As I swerved to avoid the shots (totally useless, especially in an RV), I saw the torpedoes impact seemingly in the air well in the distance. After the tremendous flash subsided, I saw the air around the impact shimmer, and then the E-E came into view as it decloaked, inside the perimeter of the base. We made it to the gates of the Center, where we were met by security. The military personal insisted that my entire family enter the base, as "we all had knowledge of the current situation. They need to be debriefed." Captain Picard agreed, noting that the world was going to h*ll all around us. We were in this adventure til the bloody (or glorious) end. So we entered the grounds of the center. I was instructed to follow the van in front of me; it eventually led us to a aircraft hanger. We parked outside, and entered through a door adjacent to the main aircraft door. The inside of the (mock) hanger was white, sterile, and imposing. A long hallway which appeared to be an Ultra Violet decontamination chamber led into the distance. The image of a Doctor Richards, (who appeared to be played by Brent Spiner!) appeared on a recessed wall monitor. He introduced himself over a hidden loudspeaker. He instructed us to walk to the end of the hall and wait for the chamber to open. We did so, and as soon as Worf (the trailing crew member) exited the glare of the decontamination lights, the door at the end of the chamber opened. Dr. Richards was there to greet us. He led us to a room that appeared to be a morgue. He opened on of the doors on the wall, and slid out a slab that contained a young man, about 23, whose most prominent feature was the exposure of his brain through a thick, translucent membrane at the top of his skull. He also had a buzz cut on the area of his head that was intact. Other victims exhibited the same characteristics. All the victims were young men and women, and all had membranes and buzz cuts. (Turns out their heads had been shaved during the investigation of their disorder - makes sense). As it turns out, the victims had all been on the beach when the Borg animals came out of the water. Not all of the victims had come in direct contact with the creatures, and none of the victims had any internal or external injury. The scientists could not 'open' the creatures they had collected from the beach for examination, and traditional means of investigation was useless (ultrasound, x-rays). The 1996 scientists were at a loss. Noting the potential danger of handling such a creature, Data volunteered to investigate the creature using the tools he brought with him from the 24th century. Data entered a decontamination room, and as the scientists were removing the Borg creatures from the chamber that held them, one spasmed and fell to the ground. The impact with the hard floor seemingly hurt the creature, as it left a yellow liquid residue on the ground where it fell. Further examination of the fallen creature showed that a gland had appeared which had burst upon impact with the floor. The other creature was brought to the chamber Data was waiting in, and on the way, the gland on the creature burst. The person carrying the Borg animal stepped in the yellow oil, which stained the bottom of his isolation suit. This liquid was, of course, the substance that brought on the Pre-Borg transformation. Both of the scientists were exposed, and began almost immediately to have their skulls recede. Dr. Richards was left unexposed, as were all of the crew and my family. What happened to these two poor souls however was just disgusting. They panicked, knowing their fate. Very disturbing part of the dream. Anyway, the dream began to go quickly at this point. Data isolated the cause of the transformation, and, unlike every other Trek episode to date, there was nothing he could do for the victims! And, there was no preventive measure that could be taken to prevent invasion! We were screwed! Or so we thought. We left the base and headed for the E-E. It had been successfully defended by a new force that had arrived in this time period. Once on board, we received an on-screen briefing from Captain Sisko aboard the Defiant that told us as a new batch of Borg tried to come to 1996 from the future to prevent the Enterprise from screwing up their plans, the Harrington, Defiant, Melbourne, and (rebuilt) Odessey had followed them through to 1996. In addition, a ship called the Voyager previously thought lost had just entered the battle, coming from some great distance using a technology called Temporal Warping. They too made it to the 1996 battle on Earth, but not through the Borg Temporal Disturbance. Whatever technology had allowed them to get home had gotten them back to 1996. Basically, the rest of the dream was cleaning up the Borg left underwater, and the other small bases they had on Earth. The Defiant and E-E (newly repaired by a joint effort of the Chief Engineers of the Other Starships) took care of that business cloaked. After the world was safe, Picard and the crew said goodbye to me and my family. As a gesture of their gratitude toward my RV driving skill, they gave me a little plaque to put in my RV that read: "Enterprise NCC - 1701RV : To Boldly Drive Where No One Has Driven Before" As the ships warped off to the future using the Voyager technology, I saw a shot of the observation lounge where all the ships who have carried the name Enterprise are remembered with bronze wall statues. Just to the right of the first Space Shuttle I caught a glimpse of the RV I never will own. That's It. Please let me know what you think, or, alternately, let me know how worried about me you are. ---wdecourcy@msms.org (William DeCourcy) ========================== STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY ========================== Season 01. Episode 11. "Cadua Linea" View of the Enterprise in close proximity to a blue gaseous moon of the ivory and beige ringed planet Mu Cuniculi XII. A tractor beam extends from the Enterprise to the atmosphere of the moon, drawing wisps of gas up along its length. "Captain's log, stardate 49611.3. We continue in orbit around the planet Mu Cuniculi XII. Lt Cmdr La Forge has devised a method of synthesizing deuterium from the hydrogen-rich atmosphere of one of the planet's five major satellites, and estimates that we shall have sufficient reserves to allow for extended warp flight within two hours. In honour of the five crew members most instrumental in the reunification of the Saucer and Battle Sections I have named the five major satellites Logic, Security, Batlh, Annoyance and Maintenance. As soon as warp engines are back on line we shall intercept the flagship of the Ferengi squadron. The Ferengi's experience of the wormhole should prove invaluable in determining whether we can return through it to our own space." The door chimes. "Come." Troi enters. "Captain, I was wondering. What are your plans regarding the prisoners' court martial?" "Well, Counsellor, I've been reviewing the regulations governing the convening of courts martial and it appears that we must have three officers of rank equal to or greater than the accused's. We could proceed with the trial of the tactical officer who supported Commander Riker, but we shall have to wait until we return to starbase before we can try Will. In view of that I'm inclined to let the entire matter rest until we make it back through the wormhole. Until then the two will just have to get used to each other's company." The brig. Riker is playing a mournful blues ballad on the trombone. The tactical officer is playing "Yankee Doodle" on the paper and comb. They pause, growl at one other, and resume playing. "Crawlspace. The final frontier. These are the voyages of The Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has gone before." [Music] Star Trek: Door Repair Guy Whoosh! Starring Door Repair Guy as Himself Whoosh! Also Starring Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard Whoosh! Jonathan Frakes as Cmdr. William Riker Marina Sirtis as Counsellor Deanna Troi Michael Dorn as Lt. Worf LeVar Burton as Lt. Cmdr. Geordi LaForge Gates McFadden as Doctor Beverly Crusher Brent Spiner as Lt. Cmdr. Data with Special Guest Star Ross Perot as the Grand Nagus Enterprise looms into view and warps off in a burst. ***** [Commercial: Sister: "Dad's making supper." Brother: strangling sound. Dad breezes in with a covered serving tray. He lifts the cover to reveal: a Klingon communicator. "KFC de-liv-er-y." "Klingon Fried Chicken!" "Yes!" The front door. The Klingon restaurateur from DS9 episodes "Melora" and "Playing God" hands over a large delivery bag. The family digs in. "Who's making supper tomorrow night?" Brother grabs the communicator and holds it up. "jIH!"] ***** A work station way off in the bowels of the Engineering Section. Door Repair Guy shifts impatiently in his chair in front of the door monitoring display. "Computer. Time." *Eleven hundred fifty-nine hours, forty-one seconds* He drums his fingers. "Computer. Time." *Eleven hundred fifty-nine hours, forty-nine seconds* He activates a door fourteen decks away. It opens and closes. "Computer." *Eleven hundred fifty-nine hours, fifty-six seconds* "How did you know I was going to ask about the time?" *I am programmed to recognize clock-watching and to place an entry on the next performance review* "Grrrrrrrrr." The door swooshes open. DRG's replacement, a half-Benzite, half-Scottish Engineering ensign, pops through the door. "Here am I, as punctual as ever." "Clear the track! I'm outta here!" The door closes behind him. "Hmph. Some people just dinna take any pleasure in their work. Now, look at me. I'll sit here at this board and there isnae a door that'll escape my watchful eye. Hunnerts of doors'll open and close before my shift is through, and it'll be me and me alone who'll have the responsibility of keeping them all in perfect working order. And I'll succeed, aye, that I will. And brilliantly, too." "Captain, we are now entering standard orbit around Cauda Linea." "Very good, Mr Data. Mr Worf, what are the locations of the other vessels in the cluster?" "There is one Ferengi vessel in orbit around Flopsa. Another is at Mopsa . . . the chipmunk planet. The third is in orbit around Cauda Linea. It is presently coming into view beyond the far side of the planet. The Borg Cube is also here." "Hm. I wonder what affairs the Ferengi and the Borg can have in common." "Captain, the Borg Cube is showing a thirty-four per cent reduction in mass." Picard turns around in his chair. "That's odd. On screen." View of the partly disassembled Cube. Data: "Captain, I am picking up a structure on the surface. A tower, one hundred metres in height, twenty metres on each side, surrounded by a single-storied structure covering three hectares in area. It is built entirely of materials taken from the Borg Cube." "Can you be sure of that?" "Spectrographic analysis confirms." "Any life signs?" "I am reading over four hundred Borg and two hundred sixty Ferengi within the structure." "And the Cube." "There are no Borg present aboard the Cube. Curious." "What is it, Data?" "I am still reading some sort of life sign from the Borg Cube, but it is not humanoid. In fact it is not individual or specific to any one part of the ship." Troi stands up from her chair. Geordi: "Could it be some kind of systemic parasite? Mold in the air ducts, that sort of thing? I'd imagine a Borg ship like that would have a pretty good case of Sick Building Syndrome before too long." Picard: "Hm, that may be. I think it's time we investigated that structure on the surface. Data, Worf, Counsellor Troi, please form an away team." He taps his commbadge. "Doctor Crusher, would you join the away team in the transporter room? It's time to see what has become of our Borg confederates." *I'm on my way* Picard stands examining the image of the Borg ship as the away team members pile into the turbolift out of focus over his left shoulder. Counsellor Troi looks back in the direction of the viewscreen as she goes. A corridor in the abandoned Borg Cube. Cables hang from above and there are huge gaps in the walls and floors where entire systems have been transported out of the ship's structure for reassembly on the planet's surface. A Borg transporter effect. Door Repair Guy appears. He picks up his toolbox and looks around, then begins down the corridor. He comes to a familiar door: NOT FRAGILE SURGICAL IMPLANTS. He pushes open the door. The place is empty. Everything is gone: chairs, desk, magazine rack; the works. He sees a small notice thumbtacked to the wall. "To our loyal customers. Not Fragile Surgical Implants has moved to new premises. Please come and see us at our new location in Cauda Linea Galleria." The transporter room. Data arrives to discover Doctor Crusher already waiting. "Congratulations, Doctor." "Congratulations on what, Data?" "On having lines in this episode." Doctor Crusher gets that hunched, intense look on her. Worf and Counsellor Troi arrive. All four climb onto the transporter pad. Worf: "Ready to beam down." Door Repair Guy bursts in. "Take me too!" "This is a sensitive away mission!" "I'm a sensitive guy!" "Out of the question! Energize!" DRG turns away, grinding a fist into his hand. He looks this way and that, the horns and kettle drums playing ominously. He comes to a decision, turns and shoulders his way out of the transporter room. The doors close behind him to dramatic scene- ending music. ***** [Commercial: Pepsi Max: "It tastes good, that's all I know." "Gul Labul! What do you think stops some crazy bigwig at Pepsi from just printing up a bunch of false labels?" "Four or five lightbulbs?"] ***** A field on the surface of Cauda Linea. The away team materializes. Before them, beyond a small grassy hill, rises an apartment block built entirely of pieces of the Borg ship. Troi gasps. Data holds up a tricorder. Doctor Crusher: "They've simply rebuilt their Cube on the surface. What this has to do with voting Green is beyond me." Worf is on the top of the grassy hill. "Doctor!" They join him. "Fascinating." Spread out around the foot of the black metal apartment block is a mall. The sign over the door reads "Cauda Linea Galleria." DRG enters the door-monitoring station. "You've been dashing about a bit, laddie. You've left a trail of door-activation that would put the Fuller Brush Man to shame." "The what?" He's rifling a drawer. "Don't tell me ye dinna ken the Fuller Brush Man!" "Ah ha! Found you, you little rascal!" He pulls out an optical circuit scanner, rolls up his sleeve, and begins to search his forearm freckle by freckle. On the screen above his head can be seen view after view of his epidermal cell structure. "He goes from door to door selling Fuller Brushes." On the screen appears a chunk of text skewed sideways. DRG angles the scanner around until the words stand right side up. CONGRATULATIONS ON PURCHASING THE NOT FRAGILE SUPERIOR PERSONAL TRANSPORT IMPLANT. THIS IMPLANT IS GUARANTEED TO WORK FOR TEN THOUSAND STARDATES WITHOUT FUSS OR BOTHER. NO USED PARTS HAVE BEEN INCLUDED IN THIS IMPLANT. ALL COMPONENTS HAVE BEEN STRESS TESTED IN OUR OWN LABORATORY. EFFECTIVE RANGE FIFTY KILOMETRES WITHOUT AUXILIARY POWER SOURCE. "Fifty kilometres? Computer, how far above the surface are we?" *One thousand kilometres* "One thousand kilometres." He searches around. "We still have them on my planet." "What?" He pulls a panel off the wall, revealing a power conduit. He thrusts his hand in and activates the personal transporter, disappearing in a swirl of green and a crackle of blue electricity. "Fuller Brush Men." Door Repair Guy materializes in a green and blue Borg/power conduit transporter effect in the waiting room of Not Fragile Surgical Implants. Madeline puts down her Starlog. Two Ferengi pull their feet up onto their chairs and hide their faces behind glossy tattoo catalogues, then stare at him from around the sides of the covers. "You need an appointment. Can't ya see we're full up?" DRG unzips his overalls and shrugs his shoulders out, saying, "I'm here about a manufacturer's . . . DEFECT!" As he says the last word he bares his back and displays it to everyone in the room. The Ferengi gasp and scramble for the door. LABATT M ICE. Not Fragile bustles out of the inner office. "Did somebody say the D word?!" "I said it. Look." "So, my friend, so, we meet again." He turns Door Repair Guy around, inspecting him from various angles. "Many adventures on the Battle Section? Many . . . battles?" "One or two. What about my tattoo?" "Come with me. I'll see what I can do about this." An hour later Door Repair Guy strolls out into the Mall with a case of beer under one arm and a new keyboard in the other. And I do mean in. ***** [Commercial: The half-Benzite, half-Scottish engineering ensign is seated at the breakfast table. He fondly regards the bowl of cereal set in front of him, his catfish whiskers waving. "It's a bonnie cereal. But it's no oatmeal!"] ***** The four away team members stop outside the great double doors of the Cauda Linea Galleria. Worf, Data and Doctor Crusher each hold up a tricorder, taking readings. Troi watches for a moment and then walks over to the door and holds it open for the other three. They enter. Inside is a wide concourse lined with shops and fast food outlets. Ferengi mill about the front of the shops, arguing and gesticulating. Borg pace up and down the concourse, peering curiously, but not going in. Everyone stops to stare at the newcomers. Troi pulls on Doctor Crusher's sleeve. "Beverly, look at all the pockets." It's true. Pocketmania has swept the Borg population. They are all wearing versions of Doctor Crusher's loose blue lab coat. "Incredible." Worf tarries before a food stand called Flopsan Style Chili. The proprietor and his assistant are in the middle of a whispered argument in the back. "What do you mean they don't have any latinum? You told me they were the ultimate consumers!" They both spot Worf at the same time and come forward to the counter, smiling broadly. "Greetings, Klingon. Would you care to sample a bowl of our award-winning Flopsan Chili?" "Have you anything with serpent-worms in it?" "Serpent-worms?! I'll just look and see." The proprietor shoos his assistant into the back, then grabs him by the shirt and hisses, "Are serpent-worms native to this planet?" "I don't know, employer!" "Then find out! Find out!" He propels the assistant out the back way, but when he returns Worf has strolled on. "Ooooohh! I'll never win Franchisee-of-the-Month!" Troi and Doctor Crusher are strolling along the concourse. "Beverly, do you find this as unusual as I do?" "I'm at a loss for words, Deanna. I'm no economist, but how is this relationship supposed to work? The Borg have no money, or any goods to barter. They don't produce anything. The only thing they'll be able to do here is work in these stores. The Ferengi will have to import money to pay to the Borg so the Borg will have money to pay back to the Ferengi. What kind of an economy is that?" "Didn't Earth go through it's own Mall Age?" "Short-lived, thank God." "Beverly. Look." Four teenaged Borg females slink by, two of them avoiding eye contact, the other two showing off their new pockets. Doctor Crusher waves. "Hi, girls!" "Beverly." "I was just being friendly. Look over there." Ahead of them is a store-front hung with a banner reading "Green Party Headquarters." They go in. A Borg wheezes over, wearing a tie-dye labcoat and the slogan "Save the Ship." "Do you wish to contribute?" "I'd be glad to, but we aren't on a money system." "Neither are we Borg. Have you any service to contribute?" "What could we possibly do that would preserve your ship? You yourselves are dismantling it." "We must. We must remove all non-biological material." "Non-biological material? What would be left?" "The ship." Troi grasps Doctor Crusher's arm. "Beverly, I think I'm beginning to understand what's going on here." Data and Worf are standing outside a framing shop. On an easel in front of the shop stands a rectangular framed picture showing nothing but line after line of the same small grey abstract motif printed on a lime green background. "Lieutenant, I fail to comprehend the meaning of this representation." "It is an optical illusion. If you stare at it long enough a sea creature will appear." "Curious." He stares at it. Worf ambles on. Suddenly he tenses. Ahead of him, seated on a park bench in front of the Tim Horton's is Door Repair Guy! Worf draws his weapon and dashes forward. "You are absent without leave! Consider yourself under arrest, Door Repair Guy!" ***** [Commercial: Saturn: (Music: drums and horns) "When B'Etor and Lursa leased a new Saturn they got more than just driver- and passenger-side air bags and impact-resistant polymer side-panels. They got treated like a pair of Klingons." View of B'Etor and Lursa kicking the car doors. A Saturn employee comes over demonstrating his disapproval with angry gestures and various threatening body postures. B'Etor grabs him by the upper arms and butts his head. Lursa coldcocks him, puts a headlock on him and drives him into the impact-resistant polymer side-panel. The two Klingons grasp their bellies and laugh and laugh. The Saturn employee staggers to his feet and joins in weakly.] [Bob: "Okay! Great episode, eh? I wonder why there's never been a sitcom, or action drama, set entirely in a mall? Pretty good concept, eh? And you got it straight from the Bob couch. Think about it. You could work all day at the mall, and then, like, go shopping at the mall, and then get home and rewind the VCR and watch the mall show. Sort of a case of life imitating mart. Ho ho! And with me on the couch today is Jason Derka-' "Whatever." "Who's having a great time, cause he's Bob For A Day! How you liking it so far, Jason?" "I think it's stupid. I can't believe I let myself be talked into this. What was it in my life that led me to this point? Why am I here?" Off camera: "Cause I'm a b*tch." Bob: "That's his agent."] ***** "Captain, we are being hailed by the Ferengi vessel." "On screen." "Federation vessel, I am Tong, DaiMon of the . . . " "Tong! Do ya think he wants to talk to you? Get outta the way!" The grizzled face of the Grand Nagus replaces that of DaiMon Torg. "Ah ha! The military! Torg! Alert the people on the ground! The army's here!" "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise. We are not here in a military capacity. We are explorers. To whom have I the honour of speaking?" "I'm the Grand Nagus. You got that? El Numero Uno Cheese. The Big Tulaberry. Majority shareholder in just about everything you can see from here. Ya understand what I'm sayin?" "I believe I do. You are here on commercial business. Let me assure you that there is no need to put your people on alert. We intend no harm." "You're darned right ya mean no harm. We've got ya outgunned three to one. I'm just makin sure my flunkies have the right price structure in place before your crew start beaming down to the mall. You know what they say, `When the army's around, the prices go up.'" "Would that be some sort of Rule of Acquisition?" "Nah! It's Sun Tzu!" [Sun Tzu: "Where the army is, prices are high." Chia Lin: "Where troops are gathered the price of every commodity goes up because everyone covets the extraordinary profits to be made."] "Grand Nagus, we are anxious to exchange information on the wormhole." "Ha! The wormhole! You'd just love to know what we know about the wormhole! We know all about you Federation types and your wormhole plans! Phasing out warp drive! What a ploy! Lookit, I'll make you an offer. Get your crew down there buyin, and we'll talk wormholes! Ya got that?" "Grand Nagus . . . I have a call on another line. Would you hold?" "Just don't be all day about it." "Connection in stand-by mode, Captain." "Comets and monkeys. Ops, has the away team reported in?" "Aye, sir. I am in contact with Doctor Crusher now." "Doctor, what is the situation there?" *It's a mall, Jean-Luc. The Ferengi built it with the idea of selling to the Borg, but the Borg haven't any money. The Ferengi seem a little desperate* "Do you see any problem in our transporting down crewmembers to act as . . . shoppers?" *Lt. Worf here, Captain. The security situation is acceptable. The Ferengi are outnumbered by the Borg. There does not appear to be any collusion between the two groups* "Very well. Open channel. Grand Nagus, we accept your kind offer, and will begin to beam our people down immediately. Perhaps you would care to transport over to the Enterprise where we might exchange data on the wormhole." "What? Beam over? When you've got a yacht?" Picard glances around the bridge. "Ah, yes. The yacht." ***** [Commercial: "This week at Lincoln Heights Galleria: the world's smallest pony!"] ***** The transporter room. An away team beams down. As soon as they are gone another team steps up on the transporter. The transporter chief leans over the console and shouts over the heads of the waiting teams, "How many more in the hall?" "Sixteen teams!" "Criminy." He reacts to a signal on the console. "You lot! Off the platform!" They scramble. A moment latter Troi appears. She puts a hand to her temple and sways a little, then dashes through the waiting crowd, shouting, "Let me through! Let me through!" View of the Captain's yacht coasting low above the Cauda Linean atmosphere. "Nyah! What a ride! This beats the heck out of that expletive deleted transporter. Although, and don't spread this around -- unless she's beautiful -- I once came out of a malfunctioning transporter with an extra -- well, I won't go into too much detail. But you get the idea! Made a new man out of me! Ya understand what I'm tellin ya?" Picard leans back from the controls, frames a reply, and then keeps it to himself. "About the wormhole, Grand Nagus." "Yeah, yeah, the wormhole. You've been tryin to get that in for the last hour." "It would assist me very much if you were to tell me where you entered it, and whether you did so in the knowledge that it would return you to where you started out." "He he he! We know more than you do!" "Grand Nagus, a significant proportion of my crew are now down on the planet shopping, as was our agreement. If you hope to see a regular stream of customers coming through the wormhole -- colonists, tourists, traders, with all the financial resources necessary to maintaining a modern economy -- it strikes me as highly advantageous from your point of view to tell me what you know about the wormhole." "I'll tell ya what. One more spin around the Borg ship and I'll tell you a word." "A word!" "It's a very informative word." Picard takes a deep breath and banks the yacht back toward the Borg ship. Troi dashes out of the turbolift. "Quickly, where is the Captain?" "The Captain is escorting the Grand Nagus around the Borg Cube in his yacht." "Oh no! Patch me through to him!" The yacht. Looking through the front cabin windows we see the industrial landscape of the Borg ship sliding past. The Grand Nagus is saying: ". . . of course, salvage operations per se will have to wait until a more advantageous occasion, but given my five- eighths controlling interest . . ." *Captain, this is Troi speaking* "I am receiving you. What is it, Counsellor?" *Captain, move away from the Borg ship right now. It is about to destabilize!* He turns and accelerates. The Grand Nagus braces himself, waving his walking stick. "Not much of an inspection tour!" "Computer. View of Borg ship on screen." "What in blue tarnation?" The Borg ship can be seen shedding large quantities of metal. Whole layers of pipe and wiring come loose and twist away. The space around the Cube begins to shimmer with flying ejecta. "Counsellor, what's going on?" *The ship is breaking loose, Captain!* "Don't you mean `up'?" *No, Captain! It's freeing itself. It's returning to its natural form* View of the Borg ship amid an expanding cloud of space junk. Slowly its sides begin to bulge and pulsate. Picard gets a premonition and puts his foot to the floor. We see the yacht shooting away. With a sudden thunk the Borg ship snaps out of its cubical form, showering machinery in all directions. The yacht rocks as spinning metal debris careens off its deflector shields. "Yeehaw! Ride'm bronco!" Picard fights the controls until the shaking dies down. He surveys the controls and then glances at the viewscreen. What he sees causes him to exclaim: "Extraordinary." The Borg ship has assumed the form of one of those jellyfish from "Encounter at Farpoint". It floats by, still shedding hardware, toward the outer reaches of the system. It looks a bit grimy -- but optimistic. "Counsellor, what are you reading?" *Happiness, Captain. Great happiness and joy* "Not from me, you ain't! There goes a valuable asset, shot to h*ll! Well, I'm going. Tong! Prepare to transport me outta here!" "Wait, Grand Nagus! The word!" "The word? Oh yeah. The word is `on-ramp'." He disappears in a Ferengi transporter effect. "On-ramp?" A look of understanding comes over Picard's face. "On-ramp!" The brig. Worf is giving instructions to Ursula, the guard on duty. In the containment cell Riker and the tactical officer from the Battle Section are squeezed down to one end of the bench, glaring at Door Repair Guy, who sits at the other end playing with the new keyboard implant in his left forearm. "Control-F2. Hey, I know how to spell. Exit. Hey, I forget how to spell. Hey, guard, when do I get my beer back?" Ursula: "You don't." Worf gives the prisoners a final knowing look and saunters out. Ursula turns her attention to a handheld computer pad, keying up Silhouette Romance #1098675, entitled _Asteroids of Desire_, sets her thumb beside the `go security report' macro key, in case a senior officer shows up, and is soon wrapped up in the story. Riker and the tactical officer watch her a while, then rise from their places and move menacingly toward Door Repair Guy, who hits his forearm, setting up an array of translucent rectangular deflector shields between him and his cellmates. "Nyah!" They slump back into their places and growl. The mall. Worf appears in front of the framing shop. Data is still staring at the picture on the easel. "Sir, a giant jellyfish has just floated out of this stellar system." Data steps back from the picture. "Ah." ---Douglas A. McLeod (ai919@freenet.carleton.ca) =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== KIRK'S STARSHIP DREAMS (a song parody) CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: TNG: Day in the life of Worf TWISTED: A Parody STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY: 12. Lore Repair ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== TRYING TO LOCATE A COPY OF RIF???? WORLD WIDE WEB/FTP: http://www.startrek.in-trier/rif; http: //www.tamnet.interbusiness.it/htmlpages/adds/borgpage/shopslow. htm; http://www.marshall.edu/ ~swann1/cborg2.html;ftp://fvkma.tu- graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif INTERNET EMAIL: Request free subscription: send "subscribe RIF" to ktaborn@lightspeed.net. LOCAL BBS: There are various BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Bakersfield, CA (805) 588-9349; micro bbs, Passaic, NJ (201-471-6887); AMITREK BBS: Kissimmee, FL (407) 348-3365; WARPCORE: Long Island, NY (516) 243-1698; U.S.S. 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