_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** AN ALL TALK NO ACTION PUBLICATION RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 subscriptions: ktaborn@lightspeed.net http://www.startrek.in-trier.de/rif http://www.tamnet.interbusiness.it/htmlpages/adds/ borgpage/ shopslow.htm ftp://fvk ma.tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 63 MASHIYYAT (Will) 153 B.E. 27 Sept. - 15 Oct. 1996 ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Minor stuff THE RUMOR MILL: The Making of ST8: The Casting Call REPORT ON HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA TREK CONVENTION KIRK'S STARSHIP DREAMS (a song parody) CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: TNG: Day in the Life of Worf STAR TREK: THE NEXT DEEP VOYAGER (A Pre-Release Star Trek: First Contact Parody) STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY: 12. Lore Repair The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== Just a few reminders for next month and a sneak preview on future issues! Next month will be the "Good-Bye to Prodigy" issue where I observe my official detachment from Prodigy, the service from which RIF and the Borg Club had it's humble beginnings. It's been a long, wild ride. As part of the festivities, RIF will feature some material from the Borg Club's heyday on Prodigy and, to symbolize my personal growth, RIF's very first Star Trek/Xena: Warrior Princess cross-over! Coming up before the year end: Special Holiday Issues: Birth of the Bab (10/20/96) and Birth of Baha'u'llah (11/12/96). Both will run extra episodes of Door Repair Guy and the Cutting Room Floor! And can we not mention the Star Trek: First Contact parody to be written by the talented frosh, Lawrence Richardson? I think not. Also coming up, but in real time, is the 3rd Annual Star Trek Weekend at Bosch Baha'i School. Bosch is a religious retreat located in the beautiful Santa Cruz Mountains, California. The weekend begins on October 25, 1996. For more information, just e-mail me at ktaborn@lightspeed.net. --Oxnardus ============== THE RUMOR MILL ============== This issue of The Rumor Mill we have a fun little parody, as well as some actual rumors, so let's get right on it. The Rumors ---------- First, the general rumors. I'm hoping that Star Trek: First Contact's release date is not pressed any further into the future, as the November 22 date that's currently being pushed around by other sources is ideal for my writing an immediate parody of it, coming as it does immediately before the Thanksgiving holiday and the "dead week" that precedes UCLA finals week. Second, Hareware Productions is no more, seeing as how I am now separated by a rather large distance from creative genius and HP co-founder Andy Schile (no slouch to parody writing himself. Andy is the man behind the gems "Mules Of Acquisition" and "Robin Hood: Worf In Tights"). However, there's good news too. My next big project is a mega web page that will satirize the follies of the online community and humanity in general, as well as be a repository for original humor and stuff like that. This is so far a solo effort, although I hope in the near future to team up with brilliant graphic artist Jose Preciado for a spoof of the comic book genre. Unfortunately, I am under a non-disclosure agreement from myself not to release the name of the site, as I have registered it as a domain name and I don't want people dropping in on me before the thing is presentable. A short technical rumor: I have begun using [square brackets] instead of for my scripts, as the angle brackets pose problems with people viewing documents in a Web browser, similar to the problems encountered when looking at a MAD fold-in. To wit, a typical fragment from a parody, such as this: Kira: Listen to me, Benjamin, if you don't call off that shuffleboard tourney people are gonna DIE! Sisko: That's terrific, I'm really excited about this, look, I gotta go. Would appear thusly: Kira: Listen to me, Benjamin, if you don't call off that shuffleboard tourney people are gonna DIE! Sisko: That's terrific, I'm really excited about this, look, I gotta go. The problem this causes will be left as an exercise for the reader. And finally, a meta-rumor. Rumor has it that the next edition of The Rumor Mill will feature my new, probably temporary, e-mail address, as well as another short parody almost totally unlike the one you are about to read. The Short Parody ---------------- Leonard Richardson proudly presents: The Making of "Star Trek: First Contact" - What Paramount Didn't Tell You Part 1: The Casting Call Warning: This piece is kinda dark. Just thought I'd let you know. [We see, stapled to a telephone pole, a sign with little tear-off phone number things, of the type which are so common in LA, that place where dreams become reality and talented sci-fi writers become drivel- spewing TOS-plot-rehashers.] Sign: WE NEED HUNDREDS OF EXTRAS TO PLAY BIT PARTS IN A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE! NO ACTING ABILITY NECESSARY! IN FACT, ACTING ABILITY IN THIS FILM IS A DOWNRIGHT LIABILITY! ALL AGES, RACES, TYPES NEEDED. GOOD PAY, MISERABLE WORKING CONDITIONS. APPLICANTS MUST BE WILLING TO SHAVE THEIR HEADS. CALL (310) TNG-BORG FOR DETAILS. [Cut to an auditorium somewhere in the bowels of Paramount Studios. A flunky casting director sits in a chair, holding a megaphone, an actor who looks to be in his mid teens is on the stage.] Actor [trying to imitate Kirk and actually doing a fair job of it]: You... will... beassimilated! Resistance... is futile! FCD: Less emotion! Show less emotion! Actor: Why should I do that? I thought I was trying out for Kirk! I thought you had that casting call because you couldn't meet Shatner's price! FCD: You're trying out for a BORG part! Kirk got killed in the last movie, don't you know anything about Star Trek? Actor: Every time a major character dies in a movie they come back in the next one, don't YOU know anything about Star Trek? FCD: Hey, you're lucky we're even giving you an audition, this is after all part of our "welfare" program to help out-of-work actors! Now, do the reading as a Borg, Mr... [consults clipboard] Culkin. Actor [monotone]: You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Granted, you've successfully resisted us in the past, but this time we're bringing out the big guns. FDC [reading the next line in the script]: I... amTiberius... of... Borg. Actor: I knew it! FDC: Do you want the part or not? [An outside lot at Paramount. Another flunky casting director is talking into a microphone to a large crowd of hopeful extras.] FCD: Okay, we need 780 Borg, 65 Vulcans, 6 Bajorans, 26 doomed ensigns, 14 non-doomed ensigns, and 10000 people to sit in every theater in the country on opening night and laugh at all our crappy jokes! Let's start with the Borg. If you're pale and rail-thin and want to play a Borg, step to your left and form a line! [Several hundred people, mostly bohemian types in black clothes and berets, detach themselves from the mass and form their own group.] FCD: If you're a Trek fanatic loser who thinks that an extra role in this film will result in being spotted by the producer and being given your own spinoff show, step to your right and form a line! [Numerous people step to their right and in doing so fall into a rather deep pit that was dug just for this purpose.] FCD: Good riddance I say. [Fade out, then back in on the auditorium from the second scene. Jonathan Frakes is standing between James Doohan and a strangely familiar, sinister figure of a man.] Frakes: Okay Mr. Gutenburg, we're thinking of casting you as one of the Borg in the scene where Scotty gets assimilated. Doohan: Hey, I'm not working with him! Frakes: You're not the only TOS cast member we can get for this movie, you know! Doohan: Actually, I am, and anyway, I did "Homeboys in Outer Space" for you guys! [At the mention of "Homeboys in Space", everyone present falls on the floor in paroxysms of laughter, yet the interval of mirth is short; for Paramount, like the Obsidian Order, never makes mistakes and has spies everywhere.] Gutenburg: Boy, what a great show that was, huh? I laughed and laughed. Almost as funny as "Three Men and a Little Lady"! Frakes: [groan] [The infamous "casting couch" room, where the majority of UPN actors got their jobs. Yet another flunky casting director is there, making out with a more than enthusiastic redhead.] Sandra: Oh, Salvador... Salvador: Oh, Sandra... [When suddenly the FCD from the second scene pokes his head in the door.] FCD From Second Scene: Hey, Salvador! Knock it off! We've got work to do! Sandra, they need you back in the model-making room. [Sandra exits and another woman enters.] Salvador: Okay, you're probably nervous and you've never gotten an acting job through the "casting couch" method before, so let me just say that if you don't want to reupholster the couch, that's fine. [We notice that the woman carries a number of furniture refurbishing tools.] Woman: No, I'll go through with it. [The woman goes over to a very dilapidated old couch and begins removing the existing upholstery with, well, some couch-reupholstering thing, what am I, the expert on furniture repair?] Salvador: Oh yeah baby, take it off! [The announcer speaks as the woman, sobbing, continues removing the couch's old upholstery.] Announcer: Yes, another sunrise on Hollywood brings another day of exploitation, backstabbing, deceit, and really bad vegetarian food. Why is the modern television and motion picture business so lifeless, you ask? Because the joy is gone. (beat) But you can help. Please, relentlessly satirize the Tinseltown sludge machine, and support those others who do so. It may not make much of a difference, but it is a lot of fun. Thank you. [Fade to black.] ---This is Leonard Richardson, no e-mail address, signing off. ============================================= REPORT ON HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA TREK CONVENTION ============================================= September 7-8, 1996. 30th Anniversary Trek Convention. What a great, fantastic, fabulous time we had! I can't believe we actually went. The good, the bad, and the ugly in reverse order: THE UGLY: Delta Airlines. We got stuck in Atlanta overnight because the plane left the terminal early! And they tried to blame us for taking our time getting to the gate. Well, when a ticket says that the flight leaves at 9:30pm, that should mean that if you get there ten minutes early THE PLANE WOULD STILL BE THERE. Sheesh. Then, on the return flight, as we were boarding, tickets in hand with reserved seat assignments, the flight attendant tells us "we're doing open seating, so take the first available seat only." Tom and I ended up sitting two rows apart. Then they overbooked by 10 people. When we finally got to New York, we sat on the runway for over an hour waiting for a gate. THE BAD: The humidity in Georgia. Choke, gag!! Also, when I went to the local 7-11 type store [I think it was called the Fast 'N Hungry],there was a guy buying beer [a huge case!]. What's unusual about that? He was wearing his Delta Airlines PILOT UNIFORM AND BADGE! THE GOOD: 1. Star Trek Aliens - Michael Westmore with Armin Shimerman, Rene Auberjonois, and Ethan Phillips. This was mostly about makeup. The three actors spent much of the time discussing who's makeup took the most time to remove. The best two moments were, (a) Ethan Phillips casually placing his prosthetic face on Rene's shoulder while Rene was talking. The audience burst out laughing, Rene none the wiser. It took the entire arena dying in their seats to clue him in that something just wasn't kosher, and (b) Ethan Phillips suddenly looking back into the screen behind them and noticing his bald spot. The next thing you know, Ethan, Armin and Rene had all turned around and were comparing their equally bald heads. Best Quote: Michael Westmore quoting Gene Roddenberry's view of alien makeup: Always let them see the eyes...the eyes are the mirror of the soul. 2. Creating Star Trek Stunts - Dennis Madalone. Dennis described the creative process that is involved in the development of the action scenes. He tells of how First Contact is VERY action oriented. Best moment: his description of how he psychs himself up for a 60 story drop...he goes to the 80th story and looks down at the landing mat. That way, when he looks down from the 60 foot jump, the landing pad will look HUGE. 3. Thirty Years of Trek Slide show. Best moment: people trying to take flash pictures of the slides. 4. Klingon Kulture - Marc Okrand and Dan Curry. The linguistic nightmares of "to be", the creation of a culture [a lot of it based on Tibet of all things!], and a Q&A session. Best moment: Tom asking about the Klingon mating ritual. 5. Star Trek First Contact Slide Show. Can't wait, can't wait!! New uniforms [they will be mostly black and gray with only the turtleneck color giving an indication of rank]. A slide with Data caught in some kind of Borg device. Why does Zephram look so different from the Companion episode to First Contact? They claim that it's the Companion's doing, heh heh.... How does Worf get involved with the next generation crew again? They're not telling.... 6. The Tribute To Gene Roddenberry. Where do I start? This was so fantastic that I'm going to have to break it down.... a) James Doohan: told the story about a letter from a woman named Mary whom he took, correctly, to be suicidal. He kept her hopes up by meeting with her EIGHTEEN times. Many years later, she [or her mother, I can't remember which] sent him a letter telling him she'd graduated with a degree in engineering. He told this story with so much emotion in his voice that he had half the audience in tears. b) George Takei, Walter Koenig, James Doohan, and Nichelle Nichols doing an improvisation based on a situation suggested by the audience. The scene: Kirk and Spock have been kidnapped by the Romulans. Sulu: [tugging down his shirt and puffing up his chest] "I'm the captain NOW!" Uhura: [with classic hand to ear pose] "Communications open." [she keeps saying her classic lines until...] "Oh hi girl..." [talks nonstop to some girlfriend about the situation. Scotty: [James Doohan was laughing so hard that it was difficult to make out what he was saying] Uhura: "I have the Romulans...they want to make a package deal." Sulu: "How much for just one of them." [Walter Koenig for the most part just ran all over the stage doing visual gags.] c) Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner and DeForest Kelly telling The Muffin Story. William Shatner laughing so hard that he had to sit down on the stage. d) The introduction of Majel and Gene's son. e) Majel crying when handed a plaque presented by the Apollo astronauts, Buzz Aldrin, Alan Bean, Charles Duke, Fred Haise, Ed Mitchell and Alan Shepard. f) Most importantly, the positive attitude towards the future.... 7. I participated in the Playmates Star Trek auction and came away with 9" action figures of a Borg, Worf, Data and Riker... all of them number two. 8. Tom and I dressed up, hee hee. We have pictures that were taken and digitized to make it look like we were in a transporter beam and on the bridge [since Tom didn't have black pants, he wore jeans, so he had to be placed behind the navigation controls. I got the command chair, bwahahahhahah....] 9. On the flight from Alabama to Georgia, we shared the plane with Doohan, Majel, Koenig, Shimerman, Nichols, and Phillips. 10. Tom got to talk to Doohan in the bar. 11. Armin Shimerman was the most crowd friendly. Instead of going off into a little room while waiting to board the plane, he plopped himself smack dab in the middle of the fans and chatted away. ---Marn (errorlog@cris.com) http://www.concentric.net/~Errorlog ====================== KIRK'S STARSHIP DREAMS ====================== (To the tune of Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz") Oh, Starfleet, won't you give me a proud starship? I've been a first officer, it's time to move up. Worked hard at the academy, My skipper recommends me. Oh, 'fleet, won't you give me a starship of my own? Oh, Starfleet, won't you give me a command of my own? A first mate can only have a starship on loan. I'll make a good captain, I'll never give in, Oh, 'fleet won't you give me a starship of my own? Oh, Starfleet, I thank you for this nice sleek starship, The crew is the finest I've ever served with. My exec is a Vulcan, He's a good friend indeed. He says he will follow wherever I lead. Oh, Starfleet, don't you take my starship from me! I can't fly a desk, so don't you ground me! The stars are my destiny, My ship is my love, Oh, 'fleet, don't you take my starship from me. Oh, Starfleet, please give me back the Enterprise, I've been a good admiral, told all your lies. You know that you owe it to Me and my crew, We have saved the galaxy a time or two. --Laurie D. Haynes ================== CUTTING ROOM FLOOR ================== [Cutting Room Floor is a series memorializing scenes from the various incarnations of Star Trek which ended up on the cutting room floor.] ST:TNG A day in the life of Worf ------------------------------------ [TNG # problems with Alexander] "Come on, let's go for a walk," said Worf, reaching into a cupboard for something. "Oh, Father, I hate wearing that thing," whined Alexander. Worf fitted the leash over his young Klingon child. "A warrior should be proud to wear the U'lmesh." "Father, I looked that word up! There is no such Klingon word!" Worf winced, but said nothing. He made sure the collar was secure. But then he noticed something on the young Klingon's face which made him angry. "Alexander, have you been playing with my painstick?" "No, Father!" said the young lad earnestly, blushing underneath a small burnt patch on his cheek. "Hmmm," said Worf. They walked out in the corridor. Several of Alexander's classmates passed by. They laughed at him, pointing to his leash. "Father, I hate wearing this." "It is necessary," said Worf. "You must learn not to bite other people." "But why?" said the young lad. "It is not good to teethe on other members of the crew," said Worf. "And there is also the matter of your stealing." "What stealing?" said Alexander innocently. "Four days ago you were left alone for a few moments in the Captain's ready room-" "I didn't take his goldfish, honest! I don't know how they ended up in my pocket," said Alexander earnestly. "And his prized Shakespeare volume was found hacked to pieces on the holodeck," said Worf. "Captain Picard was so angry that he wanted to use you to test the transporter right after the rough ion storm we had last week." ---Steve Gordon (editorman@aol.com) ================================ STAR TREK: THE NEXT DEEP VOYAGER ================================ (NOTE from author: I m glad Mr. Richardson is doing a parody of ST 8 as soon as he sees it. But my feeling is, why wait? I can parody it right now!!] On the Bridge of the USS Voyager, the bridge crew is sitting around twiddling their thumbs. Suddenly, Paris reports, There's an unidentified phenomenon off our port bow. "Run! Run! Run for our lives!" is Harry Kim's recommendation. Tuvok concurs. "Let's get a closer look," Janeway says, so they do. Of course, they're sucked into a strange spatial distortion field which causes the entire ship to be at rest with every other object in the entire universe. Since every object in the universe has a different velocity and direction, the ship becomes extremely distorted. In Sickbay the ship's holographic doctor is the only person not affected, and he talks to himself a lot so the audience won't get bored. It seems that the distortion field had a strange effect on everyone. When Tom Paris travelled at infinite velocity he evolved forward, becoming a salamander. By analogy, when the crew travels at infinite slowness, they evolve backward, becoming dinosaurs. Tuvok enters Sickbay. Doc greets him with surprise. "Why weren't you affected?" Tuvok explains, "Once every 200 years we Vulcans are able to be shapeshifters, so I was conveniently able to revert to my normal self. The cycle is a response to the pull of our innermost moon." Doc thinks about that. "A moon with a period of 200 years would be about a billion miles distant." "You re a doctor, not an astrophysicist," Tuvok reminds him. "I shall reconfigure the warp fluctuators, so we can travel at warp 9.99999997, evolve forward again, and get back to Federation space in a couple of minutes." Tuvok does so, entering commands into the Sickbay computer with one hand while fixing a bowl of plomeek soup with the other. Meanwhile, in Admiral Nechayev's office at Starfleet Headquarters, Picard enters and demands. "Why has every starship has been ordered out on assignments to distant quarters of known space? When will the new Enterprise-E be ready?" Nechayev replies, "It'll be ready about a week after it's launched. And it won t be launched until all the other ships have arrived at their destinations. We are sending them all out at least a hundred lightyears away. There's something strange going on out there." On the bridge of The New Improved Starship Enterprise, Picard is finally settled in his seat on the new improved bridge, which has holodeck consoles and readouts operated by real crewmembers. Holodeck crewmembers are only used in emergencies. Unless, of course, the holodeck has a malfunction. Picard orders the ship to the farthest reaches of the galaxy--Alpha Centauri, which according to Star Trek is a single star 90 lightyears distant, and was never colonized until the year 2300. Picard beams down to the capital city of the Planet Alpha Centauri Primus II Sigma-a. with Dr. Crusher and a nameless ensign. They are greeted by a human. "I'm Fred Smith, the mayor of the colony," he says, and introduces them to a humanoid with a funny forehead. "This is Tamar, a Polymorph. Even though we colonized the planet 70 years ago, we just found out that this is the Polymorph's homeworld." Crusher checks out Tamar with her tricorder and expresses astonishment at his shapeshifting abilities. "He's unique!" she says. "Extraordinary! Unprecedented! Unparalleled!" She's never seen anything like him! She neglects to mention the Trionians, the Antosians, the allasomorphs, etc. Nobody notices that Tamar is a Jewish name, or that one of the guys in Return of the Archons was named Tamar. Tamar says, "We were almost conquered by the Borg, and barely fought them off." "Why couldn't you turn into rocks and hide from the Borg?" the ensign asks. "Ionic interference," Tamar says. Tamar continues with his explication, and each time the ensign asks about various inconsistencies in the story, Tamar replies with more technobabble. He concludes, "The Borg learned about the Federation scientist Zefram Cochrane from us, and are planning to go back in time to prevent his being born." "How do you know?" the ensign asks. Tamar's reply is too brief and too quick for the moviegoers to figure out what he said. The novelization leaves out this last question entirely. The edited version for TV also cuts this last question out. In the Enterprise Briefing Room the bridge crew discusses ways to defeat the Borg. They mention time travel but don't mention the Guardian of Forever, or the Time Cane from Time's Arrow, or any of the other methods shown in any TOS, TNG, DS9 or VOY episodes. They also discuss ways to blow up the Borg, but fail to mention Hugh Borg, or the Minos weapon Picard promised to buy in Arsenal of Freedom, or the Babel virus from DS9, or any of the other weird weapons encountered in various episodes. They also don't mention friendly aliens with psi powers which might defeat the Borg. They decide to travel back in time to 2100, using a previously unknown series of technobabble maneuvers. They beam down to Cochrane's lab, where he's just finished building his first working warp drive engine, despite the fact that the Valiant reached the galaxy's edge 35 years before. On the Enterprise, the nameless ensign asks, "If the Borg didn't want him born then why didn't we go back to intercept them in 2030, when he was born?" Picard is about to reply when a Borg ship decloaks and begins attacking. Picard orders a bunch of maneuvers, not including the Picard maneuver. Cochrane is watching, but doesn't seem to remember the Cochrane Deceleration Maneuver. Nobody else does either. On board the Borg ship, the Queen Borg, a beautiful woman, is surrounded by a bunch of half-dressed, hunky male Borgs. She's watching the battle on a wall-sized screen. Suddenly she says, "Cease Fire! Commence repairs!" On board the Enterprise, Riker and Troi take a break from their duties. "Will, we have to discuss something. Are you going to go into macho heroics every time this happens?" "Yes." "Will, I--I'm concerned about you, and I feel that you are equally as concerned about me." "I understand, Deanna. But this is the way I am, and we will just have to accept that, and I'm sure we will manage to adjust to the way things are between us." "All right, Will--as long as we re clear on that." Will and Deanna resume their duties. On board the Borg ship the Queen Borg commands, "Resume fire!" The USS Voyager comes through the spatial anomaly. They've forgotten all about the strange effects mentioned at the beginning of this parody, and everybody's back to normal. The Voyager fires on the Borg ship. The spatial anomaly attacks the Voyager, which goes back through the anomaly as the Borg come after them. The Borg ship breaks up inside the anomaly because it's so much bigger and tastier. The Voyager survives intact, but once again is 70,000 lightyears away. Of course the Borg never try any more time travel ever again, and decide to go assimilate the Andromeda Galaxy instead. One last prediction. Everyone will seem unaffected by anything that was ever said, done or experienced in previous episodes or movies. ---STEPHEN MENDENHALL (MFNG88B@prodigy.com) ========================== STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY ========================== Season 01. Episode 12. "Lore Repair." The bridge. Data is at Ops. He feels a small hand on his shoulder. He looks behind him. Acting Ensign Dweenie: "Are we there yet?" The brig. Security Guard Braun is at the control console. Riker, Door Repair Guy, and the as-yet-unnamed tactical officer are in the confinement cell. The tactical officer is saying: "...and that's how I saved fourteen lives. After that I had a short assignment on the Redoubtable, but it didn't take long for the story of the rescue to spread through Starfleet and I was offered a place on the Enterprise." Riker: "And well deserved, too." He turns to Door Repair Guy, pauses, and then goes ahead and asks, "What about you? You must have done something remarkable to get on the Enterprise." Door Repair Guy wipes his nose with the back of his hand, sits back, about to begin, glances down at the back of his hand, wipes it absentmindedly on the seat of his overalls, looks toward the ceiling in thought, and says: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times..." Hours later, Ursula has a glazed look and the tactical officer is nearly catatonic, his head jerking up occasionally as he struggles not to begin snoring. Door Repair Guy is working up to the fortieth or fiftieth anticlimax: "...and so there I was, outmanned twenty to one, with nothing but a ball-peen hammer and a quart of vanilla yogurt . . ." Riker: "Were you killed?" DRG is taken aback: "Have I told this one before?" A corridor. Worf is ambling along. He meets Doctor Selar. She inclines her head in greeting and carries on past him. He slows and stops, vaguely bothered by something about her. He turns and stares after her, and then continues on his way, murmuring to himself. "Crawlspace. The final frontier. These are the voyages of The Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has gone before." [Music] Star Trek: Door Repair Guy Whoosh! Starring Door Repair Guy as Himself Whoosh! Also Starring Patrick Stewart as Captain Jean-Luc Picard Whoosh! Jonathan Frakes as Cmdr. William Riker Marina Sirtis as Counsellor Deanna Troi Michael Dorn as Lt. Worf LeVar Burton as Lt. Cmdr. Geordi LaForge Gates McFadden as Doctor Beverly Crusher and Brent Spiner as Lt. Cmdr. Data The Enterprise goes to warp drive in a clap of thunder, despite the fact that in the vacuum of space such an auditory phenomenon would not -- okay, okay. ***** [Commercial: Nike: Godzilla is trashing Tokyo. The mighty lizard's tail swings through block after block of office towers, demolishing them all. The Japanese air force is powerless before his awesome might. But suddenly the creature stops. What new opponent is this that has appeared? It is Reg Barclay. Barclay holds up a basketball. Godzilla slips on his sport shades and knocks the ball loose with his tail. Barclay is taken by surprise, but recovers, grabbing the ball and driving his elbow into Godzilla's throat. He slam- dunks the ball. Two points! As they stroll off through the rubble there is a new respect between them. Barclay holds up a finger and says, "You know, you know, you really o-ought to...consider pro basketball."] ***** "Captain's Log, stardate 49614.2. We are moving toward the final of the habitable planets of this cluster, Petrus. Once we have investigated that world the Enterprise will have accomplished two of its three objectives: the first being the reunification of the ship, following Commander Riker's unexpected hijacking of the Battle Section; the second the exploration of the far distant Cuniculi Cluster in which we find ourselves; and the third the safe return through the wormhole to our own space. The clue provided by the Grand Nagus -- the word `on-ramp' -- has assisted us in formulating a theory as to the nature of the wormhole." Conference room. Data is standing beside the computer display screen, briefing the senior staff. "The word `on-ramp' derives from the North American highway construction boom of the 1950s. It refers to an inclined and/or curved section of asphalt-paved highway specifically designed to feed automobile traffic from a local street grid to a multiple-laned panjurisdictional highway network. Assuming that the Ferengi information is reliable it would appear that the wormhole through which we travelled to our present location is not of the conventional variety leading from point A to point B but rather a continuous system or loop with multiple `on-ramps' and `off- ramps' providing access to and from an as-yet undetermined number of destinations." Picard: "Could such a system have arisen naturally?" "Unlikely, Captain. It is my belief that an earlier civilization learned how to control the forces governing wormholes and used that knowledge to create the wormhole superhighway. The extent of chipmunk evolution on the planet Mopsa would tend to substantiate the hypothesis of an early construction, as would the apparent absence of regular users." Picard: "Roman roads. The Roman road system was employed for centuries after the Empire itself had passed away. Have we any idea how to recognize the exits once we enter this superhighway?" "At the moment, no. However, I believe a careful examination of the sensor records of both the Battle and Saucer Sections' passage through the wormhole will provide the necessary information." "Make it so." The brig. A message appears on the security console. Guard Braun becomes all business. She stands, draws her weapon, and deactivates the security forcefield. "Door Repair Guy, come out." "Aw! Why?" "Your period of detention is over. Commander Data wants to see you in his quarters. Roll out." He stands. "Well, fellas, it's been a blast, but I gots to go." Riker and the tactical officer give him a baleful look. DRG: "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Tactical officer: "As if we would do anything you would do." DRG, with a big smile: "You mean, like, get out of jail?" He does a little hop over the confinement cell threshold and speed-walks out the door. Riker and tactical officer: "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr." ***** [Commercial: Nike: "I...I am not a role model. I am not paid...to raise your kids. I am paid (raising his voice) to go out there and calibrate, and calibrate those verterium cortenide warp! field! coil! segments!...Oh. Sorry."] ***** The door chimes. "Enter." Door Repair Guy enters Data's quarters. "You wanted to see me, sir?" "Yes, technician. I am about to begin work on a close examination of the sensor records of the wormhole. A task I estimate will consume approximately fourteen hours thirty-two minutes and nine seconds. To facilitate consultation with other members of the wormhole task-force, I shall be working in the astrophysics lab. This creates a scheduling conflict." "With what?" "Feline replenishment." "The cat!" DRG hits his personal deflector function key, surrounding himself with translucent rectangular Borg-designed shields. Spot pads across the entrance to the next room, barely acknowledging him. Data: "I have called upon you because I know that you and Spot were able to establish a relationship during the absence of the Battle Section." "We have had words." "Please follow the menu and timetable laid out on this memo pad. You will see that the next feeding is in forty-three seconds. If you have any questions I will be in Astrophysics." Exit Data. DRG regards Spot. "A dead mouse wouldn't do you any harm." He puts out the food -- Feline Supplement #72 -- and then explores Data's quarters a bit. He opens a drawer and lifts out Lore's head. "Spare parts! Cool, I think there's a complete set here. I wonder . . ." The brig. Troi enters. Security Guard Ursula snaps to attention. "At ease, crewwoman. I'm here to see Commander Riker." Riker rises from his bench and musters as much of his evaporated authority as he can. "Counsellor." "Will, let's cut the bull. You started all this because you saw Worf and me in Ten Forward." "You were trying to swallow each other's tongues." "I see. It's very strange that after all these years at your observation post at Guinan's bar you should start getting jealous now. We've both had all sorts of love affairs, and I think that it's very unfair that when I finally meet a man who smells like day-old gagh you go off the deep end." Riker tries to look hurt and dignified at once. "I was going through a very trying period." "So you thought you could solve the problem by creating a larger problem." "That's him. Mr Unorthodoxy." Riker knocks the tactical officer out of his seat with a well-aimed backhander. "Well, you listen to me, Will Riker. Who I go out with is my own business, and if that means your having to put up with the thought of Worf and me, then you'll just have to get used to it!" She stomps out. "Wow, what a woman." Riker falls on the tactical officer with fists flying. The wooden doors of Ten Forward swoosh open and Troi hurries in, evidently full of conflicting emotions. She looks around, hoping to see Worf, to talk about it. Suddenly she lurches and grabs on to the bar for support. Worf and Dr. Selar are in the corner, nibbling. Lore opens his eyes with a look that says he can't believe his luck. He regards Door Repair Guy, who is gazing down admiringly at his repair work, smiles maliciously, and flattens him with an elbow to the chin. Then he moves over to the work station. "So, brother, what have you been working on? Hm. Wormhole superhighway. How very useful. Here, Spot!" He grabs the cat by the scruff. "We're going on a little ride." The bridge. "Captain, a shuttlecraft is leaving Shuttlebay Three without authorization." "Override." "Ineffective, sir." "Open a channel." "The shuttle does not respond." "Transporter room, beam that pilot out of there." "I can't get a lock, sir. There's some kind of pattern scrambler at work." "Tractor beam." "Sir, tractor beams are down!" "Fire across their bow!" View of Enterprise firing a phaser beam past the departing shuttlecraft. "They don't appear to mind that, sir." "This has gone far enough! Ensign, prepare to..." The wormhole engulfs the shuttlecraft. Picard sits down. "Hm." The door-monitoring station deep in the bowels of the Engineering Hull. The half-Scottish, half-Benzite ensign locks his computer console, reaches down for a spray bottle, sprays the console with cleaning fluid and, humming happily, rubs away the fingerprints and dust. He stows away his cleaning materials, gazes with satisfaction at his reflection, and reactivates the console. Immediately a red light comes on. He enters commands, and the computer calls up an image of a sticking door on deck thirteen. He touches his commbadge. "Door Control to Door Repair Guy. Please proceed to deck thirteen, sector zero three four two. Sticking door." He sits back. "Door Repair Guy. Do you read me?" Nothing. "Door Repair Guy. Please reply." Still nothing. "Computer, please locate Door Repair Guy." *Door Repair Guy is in Lt Cmdr Data's quarters* "Is he well?" *He is out cold* "Ye d****ed contraption! Did ye not think tae alert anyone?" *I am not programmed to advance the plot* "For pity's sake!" Data, Worf and Doctor Crusher cautiously enter Data's quarters. Doctor Crusher and Worf crouch down beside the prone figure of Door Repair Guy, Worf just long enough to see what's up before looking around for intruders. Data: "Here, Spot. Here, Spot. Curious. Spot appears to be missing." Worf: "Perhaps the creature overwhelmed him and escaped." Doctor Crusher: "He's out cold all right. This should bring him around." She presses a hypospray, the 24th century equivalent of smelling salts, to DRG's neck. DRG: "Mrmwmph." Doctor Crusher: "Do you remember who did this to you?" DRG rolls onto one elbow, alternately opening one and then the other eye. "Gordie Howe?" Data: "Doctor, Lieutenant. I think I have discovered the identity of the assailant." The camera moves forward and gazes into the empty drawer marked LORE: DO NOT REASSEMBLE. ***** [Commercial: Nike: "...through the rings of Saturn, off the Martian moons Phobos *and* Deimos, off the Hubble Space Telescope, over the expressway, through the window, nothing but net."] ***** View of the Enterprise coming up to the planet Petrus. The bridge. "Entering standard orbit, Captain." "Very good, Ensign. Scan for life forms." A soft white glow suddenly suffuses the bridge. The bridge crew are taken by surprise, turning and grabbing the backs of their chairs, looking for the source of the light. "We are being scanned, Captain!" "So I surmised, ensign. Is it coming from the planet?" "Unknown, sir. The instruments are picking nothing up." "My ears are. I'm getting a very high, ethereal harmonic. Do you hear that?" "I do." "I do." "I don't. I'm tone deaf." "I think we agree it's there. Is there anything..." "Captain!" A being has appeared on the upper-left-hand corner of the bridge. It is afloat about two feet off the floor, clad in folds of white cloth, with wings. It is either a source of light or possesses a very high albedo. (Look it up.) Its cranium is surrounded by locks of long wavy hair. Its facial expression is one of acute observation and severe, penetrating judgement. It rolls majestically and gymnastically through the volume of air just above the heads of those on the lower portion of the bridge, gazing calmly and unnervingly from one upturned face to the next. When it has had a good look at everyone at turns and surveys the bridge, then with a starchy snap of the wings disappears through the ceiling. The lighting returns to normal. The music fades. "Captain, reports of angels are coming in from all parts of the ship." Picard looks annoyed at this development. He's not sure captains outrank angels. "Ensign, have . . ." "Captain! The wormhole!" Special effects shot of the wormhole spreading open like a time-lapsed-photography blue and orange rose in a National Geographic nature film, only bigger. The missing shuttlecraft emerges. "It's the shuttlecraft, Captain! They're on an intercept course." "Lock on tractor beams." "Tractor beams locked on." (What we have just seen here is a storytelling convention called conflation of time. Shakespeare employs it in a number of plays. It is designed to avoid those long stretches of boredom when everyone knows something is about to happen but, because of the laws of physics, it's not ready to happen yet. In fact the distance between the wormhole and the planet Petrus is several dozen light-years. The Enterprise could not have locked on tractor beams for several hours. Existential writers have noticed that most of life is spent in the state of waiting for the inevitability that conflation of time is intended to gloss over. In Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, for instance, two characters whom the audience know are going to come to a sorry end--if they have read Hamlet or bothered to read the front page of the program--spend the entire play running around trying to discover the purpose of their lives. The moral of the story, then, would seem to--Huh? Oh, no! They're talking! Sorry!) "...and surrender your vessel." "If you believe for one moment that I am about to turn my ship over to some renegade in a shuttlecraft, you are sadly mistaken, sir." "You assume that bigger means stronger, Captain. Why don't you try this on?" At this moment Worf, Data and Doctor Crusher burst out of the turbolift. "Captain, it's..." Lore materializes on the bridge beside the helmsman, whom he swats out of the chair before assuming it himself. A shimmering red-tinged forcefield leaps up around him just in time to begin absorbing Worf's phaser fire. Lore glances at the ensign at Ops, smirks, and begins to input orders on the helm console. The lights go down. Geordi: "Captain, he's shutting down life support. Now the structural integrity field is going. He's opening the shuttlebay doors. He's evacuating the ship's air!" "Mr Data, can you override?" "Captain, he is activating a series of preset commands. They are ingeniously hidden and protected. It will take me some time to undo them." "Time we do not appear to have, Mr Data. I'm afraid I have no alternative. ALL HANDS ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP! EVERYONE TO THE LIFEBOATS!" ***** [Bob: "Yikes! I haven't seen this one yet. Normally when the new episode arrives at the station a bunch of us go into the editing booth with a case of beer and a family pack of Doritoes and kind of kick back and make a party out of it. Sure breaks up a Tuesday morning. But I was on location. How are they ever going to get out of this one?" A hand appears from off-camera. "This just handed me. Oh, yeah, like I'm going to read that on the air. You're just sore cause I gave out the truth about your Tuesday morning chiropractor appointments. Gimme the real one. Okay, this just in. Paramount announces that the season finale of Star Trek: Door Repair Guy will be a two-hour special. Because they have too many story lines and they can't tie them all up in one hour. So, more work for Programme Scheduling Guy." Strangled cry from off-camera. Bob looks chipper.] [Commercial: Mennen Speed Stick: Barclay: "Anything less would be...(smiles)... (hesitates)...(forgets the word)...(panics)... (smiles)...(blushes)...(looks down)...(looks off- camera)...(crosses his arms defensively)...(opens and closes his mouth)...(shouts:) Oh! (twists with embarrassment)...(remembers the word!)...un...uh... uncivilized!" (Grins and slowly slides his hands upward into his armpits to hide the half-moons of perspiration.] ***** The brig. Riker and the unnamed tactical officer are jumping up and down and shouting, "What's going on? What's going on?" Ursula is furiously reading her console and shouting, "Intruder alert! Life support down! Hull integrity compromised! Abandon ship!" At this last one she hits a control and the containment field disappears, releasing the prisoners. At this moment Door Repair Guy materializes in the room. "Hey, guys. What's up?" Tactical officer: "What's up? Abandon ship is up!" "That'll be Lore. Quite an elbow on that guy." "I don't believe you!" "No, it's true." "No, I mean I can't understand what you're even doing in space!" Riker grabs the two of them by the collars and says, "We're not abandoning anything. We're going to save the ship. Ursula, are you with us?" Ursula squares her shoulders and says, "You've treated me shabbily in the past, Commander, but for the sake of the ship I'll follow you." "Excellent. You." (Shaking DRG.) "Pull off that panel and break out the breathing gear. We've got some infiltrating to do." ****** [Commercial: Nike: "I've heard a lot of talk about Reg's holodeck. How he never gets any work done. How he's losing touch with reality. Wrong! He's in the holodeck, he's interactive! He's in the mud wrestling, he's got the babes, he's saving the ship. What are you doing? Watching Star Trek. Well, I'm coming *knock knock* in there and I'm bringing Reg, the Goddess of Empathy, the pie-eating Wesley, the whole holodeck with me! Hello!"] ****** View of the Enterprise in orbit above Petrus. Looking down from above, we see little square ports opening in the upper surface of the saucer and dozens and dozens of cubical lifeboats rocketing away from the ship. A corridor in the Enterprise. The scene is one of well-orchestrated chaos. Crewmembers are tearing the panels off the walls to reveal the lifeboat hatches. Division leaders are organizing evacuation parties and briefing them as they enter the lifeboats. Newly-replicated copies of Star Trek: The Next Generation Technical Manual are in evidence everywhere, computer-dog-eared at page 174. As we watch, the last parties clear the corridor. The traffic officers give each other the thumbs up and climb into their own capsules, just as the doors to the turbolift at the end of the hallway automatically open and the air in the corridor cascades away at hurricane speed down into the turboshaft, carrying the spare technical manuals away like crazy, flapping birds. The bridge. Lore is at the helm, inside his force field. Data is at the tactical station. Both are busy overriding one another. Picard, Doctor Crusher, Worf, Troi and Geordi are also present, acting as a command centre for the evacuation. Worf: "Two hundred and fourteen lifeboats away." Picard: "Good. Now I want the five of you to get into the remaining lifeboats on deck two and begin to gather the other boats together into gaggle formation. The more boats you can join together the better." Troi: "Captain, what about you?" Doctor Crusher: "Jean-Luc, you're not planning to go down with the ship." "That is my own affair." Data: "Request permission to remain aboard, Captain. Lore and I have very similar neural processes. I believe I have the opportunity to outmanoeuvre him if I can remain at a computer console. Also, the chance that Lore will eject the atmosphere from the bridge once one of the turbolift cars has left is very good. I can operate for some time in vacuum conditions. You cannot." "Perhaps you're right. I'll go to the captain's yacht. Mr LaForge, will you join me?" "Aye, sir." "Good luck, Data." "Thank you, sir." The turbolift doors close on the Captain, Geordi, Doctor Crusher, Worf and Troi. Lore turns around in his chair. "So, brother, alone at last." "Lore, what have you done with my cat?" "Why, Spot's in good hands." He activates a control. A figure materializes on the far side of the bridge, a glossy, petroleum-covered figure, holding an oily and miserable cat. "WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE? YOU TOLD ME I WOULD HAVE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE TO KILL! AAAARRRGH!" Lore winks and indicates him with a tilt of the head. "Sort of gets under your skin after a while, doesn't he?" -- Douglas A. McLeod (ai919@freenet.carleton.ca) =============== UPCOMING IN RIF =============== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Fare Thee Well, Prodigy BORG SUPREME COURT FIRE: A Blast from the Past! CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: TNG: Wesley in Love, Part 4 XENA AND GABRIELLE MEET STAR TREK: DS9 STAR TREK: DOOR REPAIR GUY: 13. DRG Must Die! Part One ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== TRYING TO LOCATE A COPY OF RIF???? WORLD WIDE WEB/FTP: http://www.startrek.in- trier.de/rif; http://www.tamnet.interbusiness.it/ htmlpages/ adds/borgpage/shopslow.htm; http://www.marshall.edu/~swann1/cborg2.html;ftp://fvkma .tu-graz.ac.at/pub/star-trek/rif INTERNET EMAIL: Request free subscription: send "subscribe RIF" to ktaborn@lightspeed.net. LOCAL BBS: There are various BBS distribution centers (when you call, tell them you heard about their BBS from RIF!): RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Bakersfield, CA (805) 588-9349; micro bbs, Passaic, NJ (201-471-6887); AMITREK BBS: Kissimmee, FL (407) 348-3365; U.S.S. 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