_____________ ____________ ____________ * / R \ */ \ */ \ * | E ______ | *\____ ____/ *| ________/ * | S |******| | ****| |*** *| F |******** * | I | *| | *| | *| U |____ * | S ~~~~~~~ / *| I | *| T \ * | T ____ \ *| S | *| I ____/ * | A |*** \ \ *| | *| L |*** * | N | * \ \ ___*| |____ *| E | * | C | * \ \/ \ *| | * \__E_/ * \___/______________/ *\____/ ***** **** ************** ***** A HOMICIDAL INSOMNIACS PUBLICATION RIF BBS (805) 588-9349 P.O. Box 81181 Bakersfield, CA 93308 subscriptions: rifbbs@aol.com http://www.startrek.in-trier.de/rif THE OFFICIAL ORGAN OF THE GALACTIC BORG CONSCIOUSNESS ISSUE NUMBER 67 July 1997 2237 subscribers ========= CONTENTS ========= FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF: Very Late! SILLY TREK: DROPPED CONTACT The Fine Print =============================== FROM THAT PESKY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF =============================== This is sooooo late, I don't even want to hear about it! But, like a Zombie in a Grade B schlock movie, we are baaaa -ack! And now about 900 million months too late, here's the parody on STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT! =========================== SILLY TREK: DROPPED CONTACT =========================== [We see what appears to be space dust, but it's just credits, very much out of focus. They gradually pull into focus.] Captions: LEONARD RICHARDSON PRESENTS A LEONARD RICHARDSON PRODUCTION SILLY TREK: DROPPED CONTACT STARRING: YOU KNOW WHO WRITTEN ENTIRELY BY LEONARD RICHARDSON WITH NO HELP FROM ANYBODY. NOBODY AT ALL. EXCEPT FOR THE GUY WHO LET ME USE HIS PEN. JUST WATCH THE MOVIE, OKAY? [We see Picard as Locutus, standing in a molded plastic slot shaped like his body. The camera zooms out, and out, and out, to reveal that Picard is in a very stylized action figure box which is sitting on the floor of a room. A twelve-year-old kid enters. He is the sort of kid you would not want owning you if you were a Star Trek action figure.] Kid: My chronometer says that the time has arrived to re-enact scenes from Star Trek, the best television show ever! I have based my life around its teachings! [The kid opens up his action figure box and pulls out Locutus and a Troi action figure.] Kid (bad Locutus impression): I am Locutus of Borg. You will service us. [switches to falsetto] Oh no, a Borg! I've got to tell Worf! He's so big and strong! [Close-up of Picard as he bolts upright in bed, sweat beading his forehead.] Picard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ! [Looks around him.] Picard: Yeez , what a terrible dream! I thought I was back in the 7th season! [Picard gets up and walks over to his mirror.] Picard: Well, all seems to be in order here-- [As he speaks, a creature pops out of his chest like in "Alien".] Picard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ! [The creature looks up at Picard, it strangely resembles Geordi La Forge.] Geordi: Sorry, captain. I thought this was a Jeffries tube. Picard: I knew I shouldn't have touched the brown acid. [Picard bolts upright in bed again.] Picard: Well, they would never do more than two nested dreams, I must be safe now. [Suddenly Picard's desk computer beeps.] Picard: Great, now I gotta get up. What a crappy movie this is turning out to be. [Picard gets up and pushes some buttons on his computer.] Computer: Stand by for a priority one message from the Admiral's Stuffiness Society And Souvenir Shoppe. Picard: Fine, fine... [Admiral Crusher appears on screen.] Wesley: Hi, dad! Picard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ! [Picard wakes up again. He's still standing at the computer in his bathrobe.] Admiral Swenson: Are you all right, Picard? You haven't, say, gone stark raving mad? Picard: No, just a series of extremely bad dreams. Swenson: Sorry to hear that. We at Starfleet Command all sleep with machines hooked to our brains which condense bad dreams and distribute them to less fortunate species. The Bajorans survived off our bad dream airdrops for years, you know. Picard: Admiral, with all due respect, did you call me for a reason? Swenson: No. Swenson out. [The rather annoying visage of Paula Swenson disappears.] Picard: Well, the longer this scene drags on, the less actual acting I have to do. Go with the flow, I say. Computer: Stand by for another priority one message from the Admiral's Stuffiness Society And Souvenir Shoppe. Picard: On screen. [Admiral Token, a strange alien, appears on the screen.] Token: I've just received a message from Deep Throat One. The Borg have begun an invasion. Picard: How could you tell? Token: Well, the last time DT1 was destroyed by a big cubical ship, it was the Borg. Picard: I see. What are our orders? Token: Oh, nothing to do with the Borg. I just mentioned that to break the ice. You and the Bat-Enterprise are ordered to perform stupid geological surveys in the Mentos system. Picard: But the Bat-Enterprise is the most powerful ship in the fleet! Surely you'd want us at the front lines! Token: Nice try Picard, but we know of your plans to make this parody silly. Be warned that the next time you violate Starfleet boredom policy, it WILL appear on your permanent record! Picard: Blah blah blah, now can I get some sleep? Token: You are asleep. Picard: Yeah, right. Token: Suit yourself. Token out. [Exterior shot of the Bat-Enterprise.] Picard [voiceover]: Captain's log, stardate 2^16-1. We have left our holding position at the Matte Painting Nebula in order to carry out our orders in the Mentos system. Phooey. [Picard's ready room. Either it's "Casual Day" on the Bat-Enterprise, or the uniforms have been changed yet again so that the ST:DC merchandise can be distinguished from all the other merchandise. Riker enters, holding a PADD.] Riker: Here you go, sir. The latest reports. [Picard looks at it.] Picard: I just don't understand it. Crime on Mentos IV is astronomically high, and yet no one ever seems to take offense at any criminal activity! Riker: Yes, if only the rest of the galaxy could take that attitude. [Picard looks at him strangely.] Riker: Heh heh . May I ask why we've been given this stupid assignment when we should be facing up to the horrible BORG menace? Picard: Starfleet is afraid that the parody will actually be funny if we are allowed to come within twenty light-years of the plot. Riker: Why, those meddling...I'd like to... Picard: Will, you're my first officer and I trust you. Feel free to speak your mind. Riker: It's not that, I just kinda have to trail off before muttering any actual obscenities so that this will get published in RIF. Picard: Oh ****, that's right. Get this, Will-- Starfleet believes that a man who was captured by the Borg could not be trusted in battle with them, that part of him would always remain Borg. Riker: Why, that's ridiculous! Picard: Yes, those fools are hardly fit to command a garbage scow, much less the entire Federation. I'd like to kill them all and assimilate their technology! [When Troi barges in.] Troi: Captain! The fleet has engaged the Borg! Picard: Weren't we expecting that to happen sometime today? Troi: Well, yes, but it's kind of exciting anyway. Picard: It certainly can't be any more boring than standing around in here. Come on, Will. [They exit to the bridge.] Picard: How many ships, Data? Data: Thirty-two. Picard: THIRTY-TWO BORG SHIPS? Data: My apologies, captain. There are thirty-two ships in the armada. There is only one Borg cube. Picard: Let's listen in. Mr. H”ek, set the subspace radio to the "Candid Camera" frequency. Ensign H”ek: Ya . Borg [voiceover]: We are the Borg. Your culture will adapt to service us. If you do not have a culture, one will be provided for you. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. Non-Borg [voiceover]: Die Borg scum! [We hear massive explosions.] Riker: Man, Bob Saget would LOVE this! Picard: We've got to go help out the armada! Half those ships are runabouts! They don't stand a chance against the Borg! Troi: But captain, our orders! [Data stands up.] Data: To heck with our orders! We're gonna go in and kill all the Borg! Kill kill kill! As long as I control the crew of this ship-- Riker: Data, that's Picard's speech! Data: Really? I thought it was mine. How could you tell? Riker: Well, it's COMPLETELY out of character. Data: That never mattered before, did it? Riker: And also, you referred to yourself as captain of the Bat-Enterprise. [We see a close-up of Data as a look of worry crosses his face. His positronic brain is working overtime.] Data: Oh... it must have been my mistake. I am definitely not the captain of the Bat-Enterprise, and as such no lines in which I refer to myself as being in charge of the ship would belong to me. I see my error, commander. Thank you. [Sits down] Data: [voiceover] Whew! That was close! Picard: Set a course for Earth, maximum warp! [We see a close-up of the buxom, blonde Ensign Scumbag as she looks confused.] Scumbag [voiceover]: The captain never orders maximum warp at home... Picard: Enough voiceovers! Let's move! [Space shot: the Bat-Enterprise enters warp.] [The Borg cube plows through space. Numerous shuttlecraft fire their phasers at the ship, to no effect. We see that the Certs* is among the armada.] (*See my DT9 parody, "The Certs." I don't want to go into it right now.) [On board the Certs, Lt. Cmdr. Worf commanding.] Worf: Die, stupid Borg ship! Ensign Malformed: Phasers are having no effect! Worf: I knew it! They adapted to our phasers back in the 3rd season! We'll have to try a different tactic! [Worf takes one of those folded-paper things out of his pocket and begins folding and unfolding it. There's not really a name for them, although I have seen them called "cootie catchers".] Worf [reading off cootie catcher]: Prepare for rubbing speed! Ensign Malformed: RUBBING speed? Worf: We'll tickle them to death! Move it! [Suddenly the camera shakes and there are explosions.] Worf: I tell you, a stable hand is essential to filming battle scenes! Ever since we got this guy with Parkinsons', our ships have sustained more damage than ever before! Ensign Malformed: WE'RE GONNA DIE!!! [Worf is beamed out as the Certs explodes.] [The bridge of the Bat-Enterprise.] Worf: Good job captain. Not only do you have my tactical expertise for the rest of the movie, but we toasted several people who we would otherwise have to pay for their on-screen time. Picard: We've got more pressing issues to worry about right now. Data, open a channel to the rest of the fleet. Data: The fleet has been destroyed, sir. Picard: Well, skip that bit then. Open fire on that green part of the Borg ship. Data: The part that's green inside or the part that's painted green? Picard: The part that's painted green. Data: I see no point in doing that. Picard: Trust me, Mr. Data. [Space shot. The Bat-Enterprise fires phasers and photon torpedoes at the big green splotch on the Borg ship. Sure enough, the ship explodes. Cut back to the bridge.] Picard: Yes, the Borg mark all the weak points on their ships with green paint. A little thing you learn from being a Borg. Data: Captain! The Borg ship has released an escape pod! Picard: What? I must have missed it while I was pontificating. Let's see it again in slow motion. [Space shot with the words "NCC-1701-E INSTANT REPLAY" superimposed on the upper-left-hand corner. As the Borg ship explodes, it shoots a spitwad-shaped craft out of a sizeable hole in its structure.] Picard: Hm, interesting. Where is it now? Data: It created a temporal distortion field and has disappeared into it. [We hear " doodely - oodely - oodely " sound effects and everything goes wavy for a few seconds before returning back to "normal".] Troi: Holy cow! Look at Earth! [Earth is now covered with Borg-like stuff. See the movie, it's not like I'm paid to do this or anything.] Riker: Follow that ship! Picard: Don't try and second-guess me, Number One. Follow that ship! Data: Sir, the temporal distortion field is quickly collapsing. Picard: Can we enter it? Data: If we sit here blabbing about it, no. Picard: Well, get us in there! Scumbag: Course set. Picard: Engage! Scumbag: Done. [Picard's comm badge beeps.] Picard: Picard here. Geordi [over comm]: Hi, is this a good time to tell you that the engines can't take much more of this? Picard: No, it is not. I need more power! Geordi: I'll see what I can do. La Forge out. Picard: I love Star Trek! If you ignore engineering problems, they go away! What a great concept! Data: This may get a little bumpy... [The camera suddenly shakes violently. Everyone begins jittering around. The shaking stops as suddenly as it began.] Picard: At what point in history are we? [voiceover] All that just to avoid the hackneyed "when are we?" phrase! Data: The second half of the twentieth-first century, several years after the third world war. However, I recommend we suppress our astonishment and deal with the fact that the Borg ship is firing at a spot in northern Montana. [The aforementioned spot in Northern Montana. We see a man who will later be known to us as Zephrame Cochrane. He is in a bar drinking heavily.] Cochrane: Ah, sweet booze. [There are explosions.] Cochrane: Oh... oh... I'm too drunk to remember my line! [The bridge of the Bat-Enterprise. Data has an array of charts and graphs which he is pointing to.] Data: And that is why I recommend destroying the second Borg ship. Picard: Good thinking, Data. And an excellent presentation. Mr. Worf? [Worf presses some buttons and the Borg ship enters the land of blown-up props.] Data: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that ship just released an escape pod, too. It has a pyramidal shape and also seems to be entering a temporal distortion field. Riker: Can we follow it? Data: Negative. The field is much too small. However, I have determined that the ship was headed for a time-coordinate fifty years previous to this one-- approximately forty-two years before the third world war. [Everyone waits for the wavy effect, but nothing happens. Fantastic close-up of Riker. We can see food in his beard. Yuck.] Riker: What would the Borg gain by sending another ship back even further in time? What historical events previous to WWIII would they want to change? [The "Jeopardy" theme song plays.] Picard [to himself]: Kill all the lawyers... [loudly] I've got it! All: AAAH ! Troi: Don't DO that! Data: What is it, captain? Picard: All that legal mumbo-jumbo the Borg were broadcasting... it could only mean one thing. [Zoom in on Picard, ominous music.] Picard [grandly]: They mean to recover one of their own. [A courtroom.] Wapner: I'm Judge Wapner, and this is The People's Court. Today, a man accused of eating a banana without offering any to his friend, versus the aforementioned friend. The attorneys are two rising stars in the legal field, Ludwig Von Smith and Oxnardus of Borg. Remember, if your lawsuit is too dumb for a REAL court to take seriously, take it to... The People's Court. Now, let's meet the contest-- er, the plaintiff and the defendant. [Enter the two attorneys and their clients.] Oxnardus: Your honor, there are four thousand and three main points to my argument. Firstly... [Suddenly, lots of Borg beam in.] Oxnardus: Uh-oh. Borg #1: You're coming with us. Oxnardus: May I ask for a brief recess? Wapner: It's time for a commercial anyway. [The Borg grab Oxnardus and beam out.] [The Bat-Enterprise bridge.] Data: Curious... the pyramidal ship has reappeared! Picard: Blow it up! Worf: Done. [grunt] Picard: Any more escape pods? Data: None large enough for our sensors to detect. Picard: Well, that's over with. [Taps communicator.] Geordi, get some people working on repairing the damage caused by the Borg, then report to Transporter Room Three. We're going to go down to earth to see what the Borg were after. Troi: We already know what the Borg were after. Picard: Why didn't you tell me? Riker: Well, it was so obvious. [Picard looks around, confused.] Riker: For heaven's sake! Northern Montana! Mid-21st century! Zephram Cochrane! [As Riker is about to say something else, Picard cuts in.] Picard: Those two-timing Borg want to destroy Cochrane's ship and prevent contact with the Vulcans! We've got to go down and try to undo the damage! Troi: What about the Prime Directive? Picard: Look, Miss Smartypants. We're in the past. The Federation doesn't exist yet. Therefore, the Prime Directive doesn't exist yet. Therefore, we don't have to follow it. Capiche? Geordi [over comm]: Can you close the comm channel now? Picard: It's closed already. Geordi [over comm]: How can you tell? [Space shot.] Picard [voiceover]: Captain's Log, supplemental. The Borg we have encountered are a new breed. Litigious Borg, the scuttlebutt around the ship has dubbed them, and I see no reason to give them any other title. I should be going to the transporter room, but I had to drop by here to advance the plot first. These Borg are evil lawyer Borg, audience people! Got that? [Transporter Room 3.] Crusher: I bet this is the only scene I get. Picard: Computer, generate civilian clothing suitable for the mid-21st century. Computer: No. Data: Pretty please? Computer: Okay. [Everyone looks at Data strangely. Heaps of clothes materialize. Everyone takes some.] Riker: Well, no product placement money for us. Picard: What are you talking about, Will? Wal-Mart shelled out big bucks to have us wear these! [Meanwhile, in the guts of the Bat-Enterprise.] Ensign Pinochle: Okay, let's crawl into these Jeffries tubes and find stuff to fix. That way we're sure to get promotions and we won't be in danger of being killed by the Borg! Ensign Gangreen: Good idea! [They crawl into the tubes. There follow numerous quick shots of shadowy figures running through the tubes, giving the impression that this is not a multi-million dollar motion picture but rather an episode of FOX's "Goosebumps". Then we see, through the miracle of Borg-Cam (patent pending), a Borg advance on Ensign Gangreen.] Gangreen: Pinochle? Is that you? Borg: No, I'm a Borg, come to assimilate you. Gangreen: Darn! Borg: It would be a good idea to scream now. [Grabs her.] Gangreen: AAAAAAAAH ! BORG ON THE FLOOR! BORG ON THE FLOOR! [Earth.] Picard: Wow, first a Borg ship explodes and now a location shoot! They really went all-out for this movie! [A person enters.] Person: Hey, you're from the future aren't you? Picard: Look, if I was from the future, do you think I'd be bald? Person: Of course! Watch this newsreel! [The aforementioned newsreel. We see stock footage for everything the announcer says, which gradually becomes less and less relevant to what he's actually saying.] Announcer: Dateline - the future! And everyone is bald! Yes, the godless communists have been destroyed in atomic war, but the new American Way means baseball, apple pie, and a radiation-induced chrome dome! Meanwhile, a group of brave men and women go back in time to set history right! Most wear wigs... only their leaders remain bald! Their first assignment? Helping Billy get his homework in on time! Here's to you, Time Corps! [Sound of projector being tipped over.] [Earth again. The away team is staring in shock at the camera, ostensibly the place where they saw the newsreel.] Picard: What in blazes was THAT? Data: We must have lost the writer's attention. He's completely off script! Person: You're from the future, I tell you! Riker: For the last time, WE ARE NOT FROM THE FUTURE! [Riker pulls out his phaser and shoots Person.] Person: I knew it! [dies] Picard: Well, that's taken care of. Let's get back to business! Crusher, you see if anyone who's historically important has been hurt. Troi, try to find Cochrane. Riker, go over there and hit on women. Riker: With pleasure, sir. Crusher: Good thing my tricorder is connected to "Who's Who"! This will be a snap! Picard: Data, come with me into this meat locker. Data: Okay. [They enter the meat locker. A big nuclear warhead is in there.] Picard: Hey, that was easy! We found Cochrane's ship! Voice From Below: You'll never take me alive, copper! Data: Actually, my frame is constructed of a titanium all--. [Gunfire.] Picard: You wanna handle this, Data? Data: Sure. [Data pushes a button on a nearby wall and a door slides open, revealing an elevator. Data enters the elevator and pushes another button. The door closes. Pan to follow the elevator's path. Bullets riddle the wall as Data descends. The door opens and Data steps out, noticing Lily as he does.] Data: Don't shoot, I'm from the future! Voice from Above: I heard tha -- AAAAAIGH! [A person similar to the one in the last scene lands with a sickening thud on the floor near the rocket.] Data: Nice work, captain. Picard [from above]: Thanks. Lily: If you're from the future, let me see your spaceship. Data: That sounds reasonable. [The elevator door opens again and Picard steps out.] Picard: Hey Data, did you know about the radiation leak in here? Data: How did you get here so fast? Picard: The writer has a short attention span. Data: Ah. [To Lily.] You may require medical attention. [Taps communicator.] Data: Data to Bat-Enterprise, two to beam up. And beam up Dr. Crusher, too. Heaven knows we can't perform a radiation inoculation without the chief medical officer present! [The somewhat destroyed 21st -century shantytown . Dr. Crusher is tending to a woman's wounds.] Crusher: You're going to be all right, Ms. Dubois, as soon as I give you this vitally important injection... [She is beamed out.] Crusher: Agh ! Dubois: Ack . [dies] [The transporter room.] Crusher: You beamed me up for RADIATION SICKNESS? I was about to save the life of Georgia Dubois, the future president of the Federation! Picard: Beverly, Georgia Dubois won't be born for 220 years. It was just someone else with the same name. Crusher: Oh, well screw her then. Where's the patient? Lily: Over here. Crusher: Well, let's get you to sickbay. [They exit.] [Picard takes a large checklist marked "Subplot character positioning" out of, well, wherever starship captains keep such things, and consults it.] Picard: Okay, Geordi, Barclay, and some extras belong to the planet subplot. Chief, make sure you beam them down. Transporter Chief Chief : Yessir. Picard: Well, we're off to the bridge. [He and Data exit.] Chief: I love this job! Everyone knows my name! [Engineering. Geordi is signing something held by Ensign Ricecake.] Geordi: Okay, Reg and I are off to the planet subplot, make sure you check out why all our systems are screwed up. Ensign Kramer: Can do. Geordi: And don't tell Capt. Picard about it until you're almost done fixing it! We've got a reputation to maintain! [They leave.] [The bridge.] Picard: Well, what say we watch a little TV? [Picard pushes some buttons on his command chair, but nothing happens.] Picard: Hey, what's with this remote? [Taps communicator.] Picard to Engineering, why isn't my command remote working? Ricecake [over comm]: Um ... probably because nothing is working? Picard: What do you mean nothing is working? We just beamed down Geordi! Ricecake [over comm]: Well, that was necessary for the plot. The transporters don't work anymore. Worf: If I may, sir, this has all the earmarks of a Borg invasion. Picard: Don't be superstitious Mr. Worf, I'm sure it's just this Microsoft Starship Suite that Starfleet Command is making us run. [We hear crashing sounds and screams over the comm.] Ricecake [over comm]: Oops, gotta go, Borg invasion, Ricecake out. Picard: It appears I owe you an apology, Mr. Worf. Worf: None necessary. Picard: The thing that puzzles me, though, is how did the Borg get on the Bat-Enterprise? Worf: They must have beamed aboard without our knowledge, and remained hidden from our periodic security sensor sweeps. [Everyone enjoys a good chuckle at the expense of the writers. The real writers, not me. I never make bad plot decisions and then try to cover them up. Nope. Not me.] Scumbag: In light of the situation, sir, permission to make a lawyer joke? Picard: Denied. We've got to take action! Worf? Worf: I suggest we split up into teams and eliminate this Borg menace! Picard: Good idea, Worf. But first... computer! Computer: What? Picard: As of this stardate, I hereby temporarily promote every member of the Bat-Enterprise crew to Commander, Senior Grade, with all the duties and privileges of that rank. Computer: Noted and logged. [Data types some stuff in.] Data: I have isolated the main computer with a really, really complicated encryption code. Picard: I didn't know you had authority to do that. Data: Well... I do. [Battle music starts up. We see shots of extras receiving phaser rifles, and, more importantly, additional pips for their uniforms.] Worf: Okay, let's move move move! [They move move move.] [The bar in which we first saw Cochrane. Lame country music is playing.] Newsreel Announcer: Dateline - the future! And all music is lame country! The status quo-- aigh ! [Troi is in the bar, stone drunk.] Troi: [belch] [Enter Riker.] Riker: What's that infernal racket? [In his first likeable move since the inception of his character, Riker unplugs the jukebox. Cochrane, who is nearby, tries to object but can't form a coherent sentence.] Riker [to Troi]: You're drunk! Troi: No I'm shnot ! Riker: You are, and I'm going to take advantage of you! Cochrane: Hey, I was listening to that! [Riker whirls around, surprised.] Riker: Well, you're a wuss -- hey, you're Zephram Cochrane! Cochrane: What if I am? My spaceship's been ruined! I just want to drink and drink! Riker: Don't worry, our teams of crack engineers from the future will have your ship operational in no time! Cochrane: From the future? Yeah right, gimme a break! If that just isn't too much and all sorts of other Ed Grimley stuff! [Enter a person surprisingly similar to the last two who fulfilled this role.] Guy #3: It's true! [Riker shoots him.] Cochrane: Hey, nice shooting! Maybe you are from the future. Riker: I'll prove it! [Indicates Troi.] They look real, don't they? [Troi swings and misses.] [A low deck somewhere on the Bat-Enterprise. Borg are, with the help of the set construction team, taking down the Starfleet paneling and installing new improved Borg paneling. Cut to two of the construction workers, standing around drinking coffee.] Worker #1: I tell ya . Worker #2: I don't like to work with Borg. Worker #1: You can't trust 'em. [Suddenly a ceiling panel falls to the ground. An assault team, consisting of Picard, Data, and ensigns-cum-commanders Pineal and Bokbar , jumps out of the ceiling. The Borg point their nifty arms at the assault team.] Borg: We are the Borg. Your culture will adapt to service us. If you do not have a culture, one will be provided for you... Picard: Don't shoot at them! As long as--- [There is a phaser blast which downs a Borg. Everyone looks at Cmdr. Pineal.] Pineal: Don't look at me, it just went off by itself! Data: Yeah, right. Borg: By firing on us you have both waived your right to attorney and created grounds for a harassment lawsuit. Prepare to be sued. [The Borg raise their weapons again and begin their attack. The battle is joined.] Picard [firing]: Take that, you stupid Borg! [After about three seconds the Borg have adapted to the phaser rifles. They close in on the assault team.] Data: Woob - woob - woob ! [He slaps one Borg silly while poking a second in the optical implants.] [We see, through Borg-Cam (patent pending), a Borg looking for a subject to drag off and assimilate. The camera zooms in on numerous collars, but they all have at least three pips on them. The Borg stops in confusion, then grabs Bokbar .] Picard: Holy cow, they've adapted to the changes in our rank system! [Data grabs a Borg and hurls it at the wall.] Data: Nyuck nyuck nyuck ! [Ensign Pineal is grabbed and dragged off, in traditional monster movie fashion.] Picard: We've got to retreat, Data! Data: Oh, okay-- wuagh ! [Data is grabbed. Picard runs into a Jeffries tube and shut the hatch behind them. Cut to Borg on the other side of the hatch.] Borg: Go go gadget power saw! [A power saw flips onto the end of the Borg's arm and the Borg begins cutting through the hatch.] Data: Let go of me, you brute! [Picard crawls through the Jeffries tubes frantically, suddenly he feels someone grab his foot.] Picard: Agh ! Lily: It's just me! Picard: What are you doing here? Lily: Fleeing the horrible BORG, what else? Picard: Weren't you in sickbay? Lily: Yeah, but the scene never got written so I snuck in here. [Engineering. It's been converted into a Borg cauldron of evil. Numerous Borg are sitting at the workstations. Surprisingly, no one is eating donuts. Data is strapped to a dentist's chair near the warp core.] Data: Your efforts to break the encryption code will not be successful. It is, as the name implies, really, really complicated. Voice: Yeah, right. Blah blah blah encryption code this, blah blah blah never be assimilated that. It's all the same with you organic life forms. Data: I am not an organic life form. Voice: Oh, good, it'll be safe to drill you then. [Drills come out of nowhere and begin boring into Data.] Data: You are evil! EVIL! [A room somewhere on the ship. Picard is talking to Lily, using charts where necessary. As Picard speaks, heroic music swells up.] Picard: You see Lily, tomorrow Zephram Cochrane will launch his experimental warp ship. It will explode and he will be killed, but the explosion will attract the attention of an alien scout ship. When first contact is made, it unites humanity! People put aside their petty differences and use it as an excuse to have orgies in the streets and drink ' til they puke! The aliens then leave in disgust, but their spirit lives on! Poverty and hunger are eliminated! Everyone lives in peace! It slices! It dices! It makes julienne fries! But wait! There's more! Eventually the aliens come back... [Picard continues to speak, but the music is so loud that we can't hear what he's saying. Lily is evidently having the same difficulties. Finally we cut to...] [Engineering as before.] Voice: Do you find these bonds pleasurable, Data? Data: I am curious as to why you would think I might enjoy having my movement restricted. [Pan left to reveal a Borg standing motionless. Machinery buzzes and a little robotic device swinging from the ceiling drapes a flamboyant feather boa over the motionless Borg, which then comes to life. Yes, it's the dreaded Borg Drag Queen! (tm).] Queen: Do you like to watch...gladiator movies, Data? Data: I saw the Hercules series on MST3K...but I fail to see how that is relevant. Queen: You will see, Data. You will see. [Strokes Data's face, accidentally getting a couple fingers caught in newly-drilled holes as he does so.] I'm not your enemy. Data: Aren't you the villain of this movie? Queen: I meant that metaphorically! Data: Oh. Well you'll never get the access codes out of me! Queen: You're just saying that because you haven't been properly...simulated. Data: I believe you mean "stimulated." Queen: Whatever. [A holodeck. Picard and Lily enter.] Lily: What's this? Picard: You'll see. Computer! Give me a machine gun! [A machine gun appears in Picard's hands just as a couple of Borg enter the holodeck.] Picard: DIS IS FUR WHUT YOU DID TO MY BRUDDER , LEFTY! [Picard guns down the hapless Borg, then continues shooting them for a full two minutes after they fall. Finally he runs out of ammunition.] Picard: Holodeck machine gun trick, works every time. Let's go. Lily: I have a question. Picard: What? Lily: What purpose, if any, did this scene serve? Picard: I don't write 'em, I just act 'em out. [Earth. Geordi is talking to Zephram Cochrane. Barclay is holding a piece of machinery and trying to get a word in edgewise.] Geordi: And so you see, Zephram, you are single-handedly responsible for this utopia we call the United Federation of Planets! Zephram: Surely you're exaggerating. Geordi: Nope! Barclay: Sir, if I could just present you with this piece of machinery as a token of my gratitude. Geordi: Oh, thanks Reg. [Takes it amid protest.] Hey, nice job reconstructing the curly fry modulator. Anyway, on this very spot there will be built a monument of you, two kilometers high and made of solid plutonium! Cochrane [thinks]: NOW you're exaggerating! That much plutonium would go critical and explode at the slightest stimulus! Geordi: Yeah, they sure found that out the hard way. What the morons at Starfleet Command wouldn't give for your insight. Your best bet is over to your right there, in those trees. Cochrane: My best bet for what? Geordi: My ultra-spiffy contact lenses have analyzed your bodily processes and determined that you're preparing to urinate. My men have already scoured that area for materials, so you'll have some privacy. Cochrane: Amazing. Geordi: No, they work pretty fast. Cochrane: I meant your contacts. Geordi: Yeah, you're telling me! Not only can I look through girls' clothes, but they provide some sort of justification for this movie's title! Cochrane: Well, I gotta go. Geordi: Have fun. [Returns to looking at his PADD] [The bridge.] H”ek: Eey Worf, thee Borg have stupped their assimilation of thee sheep. Worf: By Kahless ! Borg sheep? We'll never survive! H”ek: The sheeep ! The Bat-Enterprise! Worf: I knew that. Why have they halted their devious assimilation plan? H”ek: I don know, it is a sizeable plot hole, ya ? Worf: Maybe that communications thing they're trying to build out of the ship's hood ornament has something to do with it. [Pushes some buttons for no reason.] [The turbolift opens. Everyone points weapons at it, but it's just Picard and Lily.] Picard: Ooo, boy, I had a tough time getting here, there were Borg all over the ship! [Canned laughter.] Worf: Captain, we've got to prevent those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Borg from building a radio out of our hood ornament! If they succeed, all the Borg in the galaxy will converge on this one spot and drown Earth in litigation! Picard: Well, what do you expect me to do, go out in a spacesuit and beat them up? Worf: Something like that, but I was going to delegate the task to Data. Picard: Sorry Worf, the Borg got him. Why, even now the mechanized monsters are probably torturing him for the computer's access codes! Worf: Darn! Well, let's go. [Engineering.] Data: NO MORE! AAAAH ! THE PAIN! [Pan to reveal that "America's Funniest Home Videos" is being projected onto a large screen in front of Data.] Queen: Give me the access codes! Data: No! [He closes his eyes.] Queen: Hm, he closed his eyes. I hadn't counted on that. [The projector shuts off, having been commanded telepathically by the Borg Drag Queen, controller of machinery and all thing Borg.] Queen: Well, it seems that I have no choice but to get nasty! Data: How much nastier can you get? Queen: A lot. You see, we've been combing through all of Paramount's contracts, and it turns out that millions of dollars worth of Borg paraphernalia is sold each year WITHOUT OUR CONSENT! Borg soldiers are working on contacting our homeworld at this moment, and we soon plan to have an airtight case that will bankrupt Paramount. Give us the encryption codes, or we will come down hard on you like the greedy, bloodsucking lawyers we are! Borg Flunky: Is there any other kind? [rim shot] Data: Aah ! Lawyer cracks! Agony! [Writhes.] Queen [to camera]: What? What? Would you rather have an endless stream of homosexual jokes? [Space. The final frontier. Worf, Picard, and Commander H”ek are walking along the top of the Bat-Enterprise. Through the windows we can see people in their quarters playing video games. We admire the lush photography as the crew makes its way to the giant hood ornament. Sure enough, there are four Borg there, each installing an oversized florescent light bulb on top of the ornament. Everyone looks grim.] [Earth.] Geordi [singing to himself]: La la la la [Riker taps him on the shoulder] whoa! Oh, hi. Riker: Have you seen Cochrane? Geordi: Not recently, no. Let me scan the area. [We see... WHAT GEORDI SEES! Riker is standing there, with a big arrow pointing to him and a caption which says: RIKER, WILLIAM T. DORK SUPERIOR OFFICER KNOWS TROI OWES YOU MONEY HAS YOUR SEX PISTOLS TAPES AND WON'T GIVE THEM BACK Then we go into zooming mode. Finally we focus on a distant figure who appears to be running away.] [Back to normal.] Geordi: He's over there! He's running away! Riker: Let's get 'im! [They begin running.] [Cochrane is running with a bottle in his hand. He sloshes through a mud puddle and falls. Riker and Geordi pile on top of him.] Riker: Oh no you don't! You're going to unite humanity whether you want to or not! Cochrane: Agh ! Foiled again! [Back to the away team.] Picard: Okay, here's the plan. We'll unlock the hood ornament and set it adrift. They won't radio their home planet while I'm the captain of this ship! H”ek: Oh, that reminds me, you got a really urgent message from Starfleet Command just before we entered-- Picard: Shut up, can't you see I'm being grimly heroic here? Worf: What? I can't hear you through this suit! Picard: Try adjusting the volume on your helmet communicator. Worf: Helmet communicator? Picard: Yeah. Worf: Volume up! Volume up! It's not working. [Picard stands very close to Worf and shouts.] Picard: WE'RE GOING TO UNLOCK THE HOOD ORNAMENT! Worf: Oh, okay, gotcha . H”ek, you distract the Borg. I will flank them from the right-- Picard: Shut up, Worf. We will calmly begin to disable the locks. As long as they don't see us as a threat, they will not attack. Worf: Ha! The Borg are morons! [The Borg look up.] A Borg: We heard that! Picard: Now you've done it! [Fisticuffs ensue. The Borg, not being the good guys, are easily dispatched. H”ek heroically sacrifices himself by setting his phaser rifle on overload, destroying himself, a Borg, and most of Ten-Forward.] Worf: He was a good man, even if he did eat cat litter. [Worf takes off his helmet in remembrance.] Picard: No time for sentimentality, we've got to disable-- wuagh ! [Picard falls through the hole in the ship and into Ten-Forward.] Picard: Hm, no force field. The decompression system must not be working. But then why-- oh, I see. Satire. Guinean: Hi, what's up? Picard: Don't you know the ship is being taken over by Borg? Guinean: Word gets around, yeah. They stopped on the deck below this one, though. Can I get you anything? Picard: Well, I should be disabling that giant Borg radio, but as long as I'm here I'll take a quick gin and tonic. Guinean: Sure thing. [to someone off screen] Hey Murray! Stack up some chairs so the captain can climb back out! [The hood ornament. Worf is disabling the locks. Enter Picard.] Picard: Sorry about that. Wanna take a bar break yourself? I'll cover for you. Worf: Well, I'm just about done here... stand back! [They stand back. The hood ornament floats up into space and... does not explode! A Star Trek first!] Worf [in his best Carson]: Now that I did not expect. Picard: Nonfunctioning machinery always explodes! The radio must be still operational! Worf, shoot it. Worf: Can do. [Worf shoots the hood ornament. It explodes.] Picard: That's better. Worf: Hey, it just occurred to me, do you have any idea how morbid our deaths would be if the shields came on right now? [Earth. Cochrane's ship.] Cochrane: And you're sure that my ship functions okay and I come out of this okay and everything? [Riker crosses his fingers.] Riker: Of course! Cochrane: And everyone lives in peace after this and no one gets shot with their backs to the wall like my sister did? Riker: You got it. [Music begins to swell but doesn't get as loud as it did for Picard.] Cochrane: When you go back, Will-- tell them I said I'm not someone to be idolized. I'm just a guy in a weird baseball cap! I don't want to be a hero! I just want an island somewhere with lots of booze and naked women! Is that so wrong? [sobs] Riker: I hear you, man. Cochrane: You don't think I look like Willie Nelson, do you? Riker: Not at all! Cochrane: Okay, let's get ready. Riker [voiceover]: I sure hope they've cleared up that problem with the transporters by now. Cochrane: You know, you're a lot heavier than Lily, are you sure this is gonna work? Riker: I'm going to kill the writer for putting that line in. [The bridge of the Bat-Enterprise.] Picard: Okay, we've prevented the litigious Borg from contacting their home planet, now is there anyway we can prevent those on the ship from suing us? Worf: We could pay them a big cash settlement, but I don't think that's what they're after. The only other way to neutralize them would be to destroy them, and they've already adapted to all our weapons. Lily: We could blow up the ship. [Picard goes ballistic.] Picard: NO!!!!!!!!!!!! [The lighter crew members are actually thrown against the wall by Picard's bellowing.] Lily: Why not? Picard: It's MY ship, do you hear? MY SHIP! And I will not destroy it just because half of it is overrun by BORG! It's MY SHIP! GET OFF MY BRIDGE! Worf: Okay. Picard: NOT YOU! [Bill Shatner comes out of the turbolift. He walks over to Picard, reaches into Picard's mouth, and pulls out a small white object, which he wipes on his shirt before placing it into his own mouth. Exit Shatner.] Picard: And that's [gasps for air] why I won't destroy the ship. [shudders] I feel woozy. I'm going to my ready room. [Does so.] Lily: Well? Are you going to stand here or are you going to blow up the ship? Worf: We're just going to stand here. Lily: What? Just because he said so? Worf: He IS the captain. Lily: He's insane! [Lily barges into the ready room, where Picard is trying to rinse his mouth out with Listerine.] Lily: Now look here! If you don't destroy the ship, the Borg will sue us and assimilate the whole universe and other evil things! Picard: [spits] Nobody knows the Borg better than I do. Except possibly the Borg themselves. But they're not on our side, so I'm our best bet. Where was I? Oh yes. The Borg took what I was and twisted it to their own ends. They took no consideration of my needs as a person; they simply molded me to fit however it was they thought I should be at the moment. They controlled me entirely, and I was helpless to prevent what I did at their hands! Lily: Wow, the Borg did that? Picard: No, wait, it was the writers who did that. The Borg dressed me in a really heavy and sweaty costume, and because of that I will not rest until every one of them is DEAD DEAD DEAD! [Shatner pokes his head in the doorway, looks confused, and exits.] Lily: That explains it! I was wondering what that scene in the holodeck was for! Character development to show how crazy you were about killing the Borg! Picard: I AM NOT CRAZY! [Picard waves his arms frantically. His fist connects with and smashes his glass display case, and in doing so he destroys every other ship to bear the name Enterprise.] Lily: If ever a metaphor walked up and bit you in the b***! Picard: They're at it again! [Shakes his fist at the sky] Picard: D*** you writers! I'll destroy the ship! Is that what you want? Tell me your wish, and I will obey! Who must die, that this torment will end? [Rick Berman appears.] Berman: Um , I'd just like to point out that this anguish on the part of our (fully licensed and trademarked, by the way) characters would never have happened if these parodies would just stay firmly rooted in the kind of Jules Verne slash Victoria Holt fantasticism I feel makes for good television, instead of going into this postmodernist nonsense which we paid only occasional token tribute to in the holodeck episodes. [A Borg appears.] Borg: You're coming with us. Berman: Life as a litigious Borg? Oh joy! [They link arms and beam out. Lily exits to the bridge.] Worf: How did it go? Lily: I'm not sure. I think I just saw the writer! Worf: The parody guy or Rick Berman as the idealized destroyer of Gene Roddenberry's dream? Lily: Berman, I think. Worf: Oh. Boy, I wish he'd appear around me, I'd give him what for! [Enter Picard.] Picard: Okay people, let's blow up this ship! [Taps his communicator] Now hear this! Everyone who's not a Borg, evacuate the ship! Dr. Crusher, report to the bridge. Crusher: I've been right here for the past hour, and may I add how EXTREMELY p***ed I am that I've only had eight lines in this whole parody! Picard: No, we haven't got time. [In the halls of the Bat-Enterprise, ramps fold out of the walls, revealing escape hatches. People scramble into them.] [Back to the bridge.] Picard: Computer! Computer: What? Picard: This is Capt. Picard. Initialize self-destruct sequence, secret security code, blah blah blah. Crusher: This is Dr. Crusher confirming self-destruct initialization, blah blah blah. Worf: This is Cmdr. S.G. Worf confirming self-destruct initialization, blah blah blah. Computer: You are not registered as serving aboard this ship. Permission denied. Worf: Curse those inconsistencies! Computer: Anyway, I can't destroy the ship without Data's authorization. Picard: WHAT? Computer: Data is in complete control of this ship's facilities. I thought you knew that. He said it was under orders from you. He said you wanted to sell it to the Ferengi. Picard: That's ridiculous! Worf: Captain, raisins really satisfy? [Picard turns to Worf and notices that Worf's arms are stretching and swaying.] Picard: Make sense, Worf! Worf: No. [The turbolift suddenly opens and several Borg enter. One of them hands Picard a piece of paper.] Borg: See you in court, Mr. Picard. [Picard starts suddenly. He's back in his bed.] Picard: AAAAAAAAAAH ! [Takes a deep breath] Another dream? [Picard looks around.] Picard: Looks like Admiral Token was right after all. Computer! Computer: What? Picard: Is this a dream? Computer: Not anymore. Worf: Darn those inconsistencies! [Picard starts again. He's back on the bridge.] Picard: Aah ! What happened? Crusher: You kinda dozed off after you gave the self-destruct command. Picard: Must be the Alzheimer's. [voiceover] Good thing I don't have to go through the whole plot again! Crusher: Without three senior officers, we can't enable the self-destruct command! Picard: Can we give a post to Cmdr. Scumbag here? Crusher: What? Chief of Window Dressing? Worf: Captain, I believe I have a solution. I can program all the replicators to begin synthesizing antimatter. This will effectively destroy the ship. Picard: I thought the replicators couldn't synthesize antimatter. Worf: With all due respect, captain, it's about time you stopped believing what you read in the Technical Manual. Picard: Let's go for it. Give us fifteen minutes to get out. [Cochrane's ship. Riker is holding a device labeled "Subplot Synchronization Stopwatch". A video screen on it is displaying the evacuation of the ship.] Riker: Well, there were some weird bits for a while there, but this looks like the spot. Let's go! [Cochrane pushes a button and the roof of the building opens up. Sunlight streams in.] Cochrane: Shoot! I forgot my tape of 1970s rock 'n' roll! All original hits! All original artists! Riker: I've got the Sex Pistols. Cochrane: That'll do. [Cochrane grabs the tape and pops it into the player.] Cochrane: Let's go! [pushes some more buttons.] [There are excessive special effects as the ship lifts off to the sounds of "God Save the Queen". Cut to Geordi and Barclay, looking upwards.] Geordi: Great, now I'm never gonna get my tapes back. Barclay: Hey, at least we got rid of Riker. [They high-five.] [A hallway on the Bat-Enterprise. Pan to Picard and Lily.] Picard: You'd better evacuate. Lily: What about you? Picard: I lent my Sex Pistols tapes to Geordi and he never gave them back. I'm gonna go check his office in Engineering for them. Lily: What about rescuing Data? Picard: Well, I can do that on the way. Lily: Good luck. [Enters an escape pod.] [Exterior shot. Numerous escape pods emerge from the Bat-Enterprise and float towards Earth. Cochrane's ship cruises through and destroys a number of them. The music is so loud that we can hear it clearly even through the vacuum of space.] [Engineering. Picard walks through a veritable gauntlet of Borg. To his eyes, they are all making fun of his baldness. Whispers fill the air. Picard shivers. Finally, he enters the room containing the warp core. Data and the Borg Drag Queen are lying in identical dentists' chairs, smoking cigarettes.] Picard: Data! [Data is startled and suddenly looks guilty. He tries to hide his cigarette.] [The Queen gets up and saunters over to Picard.] Queen: Welcome back, dahling . Picard: What have you done to Data? Queen: I've made him more human. Picard: Is that some sort of sexual innuendo? Queen: No, I quite literally made him more human. He's got skin and stuff now. [A quick close-up of Data confirms this. Hey, it's easier than writing another scene.] Picard: Let him go! Queen: Yeah, like I, the bad guy, am gonna do something just 'cause you said so. Tell you what though, I'll trade you for him. We can settle out of court, as it were. Picard: Well, what do you want in exchange? Queen: I told you. I'll trade you...for him. Picard: What more do you want from me? You've already assimilated me and gotten all my knowledge! Queen: Well Locutus, I never know quite how to say this, but I find you quite attractive. Last time, well, it was too rushed-- why are you looking up at the ceiling like that? Picard: I'm trying to find whatever it is that's going to stop you from getting too graphic. Queen: Aha, homophobia! Picard: Not at all! This parody has to be kept suitable for children! Queen: It's a little late for that, don't you think? Data: What are you two talking about? Queen: Nothing, sweetie. [Inside Cochrane's ship. We can see the Bat-Enterprise approaching through the window.] Riker: That's odd, there wasn't a big hole near Ten-Forward before. Oh well, prepare to go to lightspeed. [voiceover] C'mon you guys! Get me outa here! [Engineering. The Sex Pistols can be dimly heard from outside the ship.] Queen: Can you hear the voice of the Borg, Locutus? "God save the queen," they say. Picard: Actually, I think that's just the writers' ignorance of physics showing up again. Queen: Nonsense. They're playing our song. It's a sign. [Drapes his feather boa around Picard's neck.] Queen: Give yourself to us. Be Locutus once more. Picard: [grumbles] It is done. Queen: No future for you, Picard. No future for you. Picard: Stop with the intricate Sex Pistols subplot already! Queen: I just thought it was neat how it all fit together. [A couple of Borg grab Picard as the Queen releases him.] Queen: Data! Data: Yes? Queen: Disable all the replicators! Data: Okey- dokey . [Data gets up and types some stuff in.] Picard: Data! Queen: Now cripple the lightspeed ship - don't destroy it! Data: These ultra-tiny photon torpedoes should do the trick. [Fires a few.] [Cochrane's ship. Tiny green streaks are headed towards it.] Cochrane: Holy cow! Riker: Take evasive maneuvers! Cochrane: You think I built this thing for your space battles? I'm goin ' into lightspeed! [pulls down a breaker.] Riker: NOOOOOO ! [The ship explodes. The photon torpedoes are caught in the explosion and go off with little "pip" noises.] [Engineering. The Borg Drag Queen whirls around to face Data.] Queen: Data! You betrayed me! Data: Resistance is futile! [Data breaks a glass container that was placed there expressly for that purpose. Some terrible gas or other fills the air, incapacitating both Data and his Borg guards.] Picard: Resistance is futile! [Picard slugs his guards and leaps to safety on the Engineering catwalk. With superhuman speed, the Borg Drag Queen reaches up and grabs his leg, dragging him nearly off the catwalk. All seems lost, when a heavy metal pipe connects with the back of the Borg Drag Queen's head.] Oxnardus: Read "Resistance Is Futile"! Queen: Urk ... [dies] Oxnardus: [to camera] You didn't think I was gonna show up again, did you? Let this be a lesson to you: never underestimate the power of a deus ex machina! [Oxnardus turns on her nifty built-in fan and blows away the deadly gas.] Oxnardus: Well, all seems to be in order here. [disappears] Picard: Data! Are you okay? Data: Relatively, yes. [The gas has eaten away Data's organic bits but he's still okay. The Borg, on the other hand, are mere mounds of metal. Ha ha , I love alliteration!] Picard: Stupid ol ' Borg! [kicks the Queen's corpse.] Data: You know, in a way I'm sorry she's gone. Picard: That wasn't a she, Data. Data: Oh. [thinks] Fascinating. [A transporter room. Dead Borg, cut off from the collective by the loss of their leader, are strewn around the place. Riker is lying on the transporter pad.] Riker: What the heck happened here? [Riker exits into the halls. Dead Borg are strewn everywhere and there are no humans around.] Riker: Hello? [Earth, nighttime. The shantytown is mourning the loss of one of its own, when suddenly there are bright lights in the sky.] Woman: Look! Bright lights in the sky! Guy #4: I tell you, there are people from the future about-- AAAGH ! [Worf tries to look nonchalant as he pulls his bat'leh from Guy #4's body.] Picard: Good work Worf, I think we got all of them. [They watch the ship land. A hatch opens up, and a Vulcan steps out.] People in the Crowd: Hey! They look just like us! They've just got pointy ears! What a rip-off! Vulcan: Greetings. So sorry for your loss. What did you have planned in the way of funeral arrangements? [A big guy yells out.] Big Guy: In honor of first contact with an alien race -- drinks at my bar are on the house! [The crowd roars and rushes to the bar. After a pause, the Vulcans shrug and join them.] Crusher: Yes, all the plot threads have been resolved. Troi: Not quite. Lily's here, but she should have died in the ship along with Cochrane. Picard: Hm, you're right. Well, we'll just have to kill her. [Pulls out his phaser.] Geordi: No! Picard: Do you have a better idea? Geordi: Actually, I do. She can come with us and be my girlfriend. Barclay: Hey, no fair! She already said she would be my girlfriend! Geordi: Don't make me pull rank on you! Barclay: You want a piece of me? C'mon ! C'mon ! I'll take you down! [They attack each other.] Lily: I love it when engineers fight over me. Worf: It must happen a lot. Crusher: Now have all the plot threads been resolved? Worf: We never found out why the Borg only assimilated the ship up to Deck 11. Guinean: Actually, I did that. I didn't want them invading my bar so I put lemon juice on all the bulkheads and turbolift exits. Borg can't stand lemon juice. I learned it on "The Martha Stewart Hour". [Picard hits himself in the forehead.] Picard: I knew that! I knew that! Crusher: Okay, okay, NOW have all the plot threads been resolved? Worf: I think so. Picard: Alrighty . Jump cut! [The bridge.] Riker: It feels good to have everything back to normal. Picard: Yes, I'm glad we didn't really destroy the ship. If we had, we'd have to blow up two Enterprises in the next movie just to keep the audiences interested! Ensign Scumbag! Set a course for the twenty-fourth century! [We see a shot of Ensign Scumbag, her pert features wrinkled in frustration as she touches the two empty holes on her uniform collar.] Scumbag: How do you propose I do that, sir? Picard: Stop smartmouthing me or I'll bust you down to, um , never mind. Worf: It is a serious problem, sir, how we are to get home. Picard: How did they deal with it in the real movie? Worf: I believe you said your "set a course" line and it was complied with. Picard: See what I mean? Insubordination is tearing this plot apart! [Q appears.] Q: Do you have need of my assistance? Picard: Enough of your plot contrivances, Q! [Q snaps his fingers and disappears.] Worf: We're back in the 24th century. Picard: Well, that's good. Now, how to keep this from Starfleet Command? Worf: I recommend we go back in time again, intercept the Borg ship before it enters Federation space, and destroy it before it ever becomes a threat. We then move back into the position we were in at the beginning of the movie and wait. Picard: Good thinking, Worf! Make it so! Scumbag: [grumble] [Space shot. The Bat-Enterprise is engulfed in another temporal distortion field.] THE END ---Leonard Richardson ( leonardr @ ucla.edu ) ============== THE FINE PRINT ============== TRYING TO LOCATE A COPY OF RIF???? WORLD WIDE WEB/FTP: http://www.startrek.in- trier.de/rif INTERNET EMAIL: Request free subscription: send "subscribe RIF" to rifbbs@aol.com. BBS: RESISTANCE IS FUTILE, Bakersfield, CA (805) 588-9349. Back issues of RIF are always available at RIF BBS, 24hrs , 14,400bps and lower at (805) 588-9349 or at the other fine BBSes listed above. But hey, it's a dead technology...get it off the web, tech-boy! LEGAL STUFF Permission to use, copy and distribute Resistance is Futile Newsletter (RIF), or parts thereof, by electronic means for any non-profit purpose is hereby granted, provided that both the above Copyright notice and this permission notice appear in all copies of the newsletter itself, and that proper credit is given for any excerpts. Any other format or purpose for distribution requires permission of the author. Reproducing RIF or parts thereof by any means implies full agreement to the above non-profit-use clause. "Star Trek" and all "Trek" related names and characters are registered trademarks of Paramount Pictures Incorporated. No infringement on that trademark registration is intended, either by RIF or by the contributors it represents. RIF exercises it's right to parody and satirize. RIF is distributed free of charge. Banner graphic by Marian Pappaceno. Resistance is Futile. An All Talk No Action Publication. Copyright 1997 by Kym Masera Taborn. 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