Whoosh! Online
Edition Click here for My Tribute!


“All That Glitters”  Episode 15/202


Salmoneus [Sal]:  “Hey, Mister!  I wanna buy a horseshoe.”

H:  “Salmoneus!  How-- are you?!”

Sal:  “Couldn’t be better.”

H:  “Uh-- what’s the occasion?”

Sal:  “Do ya like it?  I had it custom-made for twelve dinars.
Did I get a deal, or what?”

H:  “Uh-- bargain.  Are you colorblind?”

Sal:  “Nah, not in the least.  What about the horseshoe?”

H:  “You have a horse?”

Sal:  “No, it’s not for a horse!  It’s for good luck.  I’m on my
way to Midasius.  King Midas has built the largest gambling
palace this side of the Aegean!”

H:  “He built a gambling palace?  King Midas?”

Sal:  “He’s the one with the golden touch!”

H [Sighs]:  “That’s too bad.  He’s an old friend, and I would’ve
thought he’d learned his lesson.”

Sal:  “What lesson is that?”

H:  “Something you wouldn’t understand.  Do you mind if I tag
along with you?”

Sal:  “You tag along with me?!  That’s a switch.  Uh, the good
luck charm, huh?”

H:  “Yeah-- it’s still a little warm.”

Sal:  “Yeah-- Ahh!  Ahh!  Ahh!  Oh!  Oh!”


Flaxen [Flax]:  “Another year-- and no crops.”

Midas:  “Nothing is planted.  Nothing will grow.”

Flax:  “And why wasn’t anything planted?  Because your people
are too busy trying to get rich at your-- gambling palace?”

Midas:  “So you blame me.”

Flax:  “No-- but your the king-- ‘Midas the Magnificent’.  The
people listen to you.”

Midas:  “Flaxen, I can’t force ‘em to plant wheat when they
might make a-- year’s salary in a few hours.”

Flax:  “Or lose a year’s salary.  Father, can’t you see what’s
happening to your people?  They’ve lost respect for the land.
All they care about is money.”

Midas:  “You seem to forget-- once the palace was built-- no one
in my kingdom has starved to death-- even-- with the last

Flax:  “I used to play in these fields when I was young.  I was
hoping that someday my own children might inherit that joy.  I
don’t see that happening anymore.”


Man’s Voice:  “Look!  Somebody’s in that tree!”

1st Boy:  “Someone’s comin’!”

2nd Boy:  “Ironheads!”

Bearded Man:  “You, up there!  Get down!  What are you doing in
this orchard!”

2nd Boy:  “We were hungry!  We haven’t had anything to eat all

Bearded Man:  “It’s better to be hungry than dead!  That’s the
penalty for stealing!”

H:  “Hey, take it easy.  You’re scaring them.  They’re only

Bearded Man:  “Boys or men-- it makes no difference.  They’re
still thieves.”

H:  “I don’t think the owner would begrudge hungry children-- a
couple of apples.”

Bearded Man:  “Pilgrim-- someone should learn you the laws of
the land.”

Sal:  “I’ll hang back in reserve, just in case you need me.”

Bearded Man’s Voice:  “The first law, is, ‘Mind your own


Sal:  “Yeah!”

H:  “Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

1st Boy:  “Wow!  That was something!”

2nd Boy:  “You’re gonna be in real trouble, now.”

H:  “Why is that?”

2nd Boy:  “Nobody gets away with attacking King Midas’

Sal and H:  “Midas?”



H:  “Come on, boys.  We’re walkin’ you home.”

2nd Boy:  “What home?  We lost that when Mom died.  And then the
ironheads killed our dad.”

Sal:  “They killed your father?  Why?”

1st Boy:  “He was stealing food for us.”

H:  “How long have these ironheads been working for King Midas?”

2nd Boy:  “Since he opened ‘The Golden Touch’.  Thanks for the

H:  “Something’s not right here, Salmoneus.  This isn’t the
Midas I knew.”

Sal:  “People change.”

H:  “Nah, not that much.  I mean, Midas may have been greedy and
materialistic, but-- he was never mean or cruel.  I-- just can’t
see him hiring thugs.”

Sal:  “I guess we’ll find out when we get to Midasius, huh?
Come on!  Money’s waiting.  Let’s go.”


Peddler:  “Here we go, travellers-- everything from cradle to
cane.  Garments, jewelry-- what’s your pleasure?  Or, uh-- are
you selling something?”

H:  “No, I’m looking for the old Midasius.  This used to be a
thriving marketplace.  What happened to the rest of the

Peddler:  “They’re all up at the gambling palace-- either
working for it, gambling at it, or oweing it money.”

Sal:  “Well, you seem to be doing all right for yourself, huh?”

Peddler:  “I found a nice little niche.  I lend people money for
their worldly goods.”

H:  “So they can gamble at the palace.”

Peddler:  “Exactly.  And then when they can’t afford to pay, I
sell them off at a cut-rate price.”

Sal [Laughs]:  “That’s very creative, actually.”

H:  “It’s called a pawnshop.  I’ve seen them before, in the poor
sections of Athens.”

Peddler:  “Ideas are cheap.  It’s their proper execution that
makes you a profit.  By the way, I’ll give you two dinars for
the blanket.”

Sal:  “B-b-b-ah-- blanket?!  Excuse me, it’s a sport toga!  And
I paid twelve for it!”

Peddler:  “You were robbed!  I’ll take it off your hands for two
dinars.  Later, I’ll only give you one.”

Sal:  “Aaaah!  Do you believe that guy?”

H:  “Well, he seems like a man after your own heart.”

Sal:  “He’s got a good head for business, but no taste at all.”


Midas:  “Step right in!  Welcome to ‘The Golden Touch Gambling
Palace’!  Where everyone has a chance-- to make their fortune!
Ah!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Hercules!”

H:  “King Midas.”

Midas:  “What a pleasant surprise!”

H:  “Uh, yes, it-- is a surprise.  This is, uh-- quite an
operation.  But, what are you doing out here?  Don’t you have a
kingdom to run?”

Midas:  “Oh, I am running a kingdom-- my new kingdom.”

Sal:  “I bet people travel from far and wide to shake the hand
of the man with the golden touch!”

Midas:  “Ex-- golden touch.”

Sal:  “I’m so sorry about your loss.”

Midas:  “No, don’t be.  If I still had it, you’d be a golden
statue!  And how would you get to the gambling pits, eh?”
[Laughs with Sal.]  Come on, come on!  Let me show you the way.”

H:  “By the way, where is Flaxen?”

Midas:  “Oh, she’s-she’s around.  Let me introduce you to my


Croupiers’ Voice:  “Place your bets!”  “Place your bets!”

Man’s Voice:  “I’ll bet it all!  On that one!”

A Man’s Voice:  “Yeah!”

Sal:  “Be still, my heart.”

Midas:  “Besides the gambling-- we have performers-- food--
ha-ha-ha-ha!  And wine!”

Sal [Screams]:  “Whatever he had-- I prefer something less
spicy!  Ooh.”

Midas:  “All manner of competitions and entertainments--
something for the whole family!  Ah, my dear.  Fill my goblet.

H:  “Lotus leaf nectar-- doesn’t that make you forget?”

Midas:  “Well, not everybody can win.  This helps-- deaden the
pain of loss.”

H:  “Lets losers forget they’re losing, so they can gamble

Midas:  “Uh, that, too.”

Man’s Voice:  “Come on!”

Midas:  “Ah, Thaddeus.  Would you tell my partners I’d like a
moment with them?”

Thaddeus [Thad]:  “Sire-- I have orders not to disturb.”

Midas:  “Nonsense.  Tell them that I-- ” 

Segallus [Segal]:  “What’s going on out here?”

Thad:  “Nothing, Segallus.”

Segal:  “Why aren’t you at your throne, shakin’ hands?

Midas:  “Segallus-- is Voluptuer [sic] in?  Uh, tell her I’d
like to-- introduce her to some of my friends.”

Segal:  “Who told you to quit your post?”

Midas:  “But-- this is Hercules!”

Segal:  “I don’t care who it is, old man.  You don’t leave
unless we say.”

H:  “Excuse me-- but this is your king.  I think a little
courtesy is in order.”

Midas:  “It’s all right, Hercules.  We-- we don’t stand much on
formality around here.  I’ll-- catch up with you later.”

Segal:  “Hercules, huh?  Wait here.”

Sal:  “Who’s working for whom?”

H:  “Friendly, isn’t he?”

Sal:  “Extemely.”


Segal:  “This mand claims to be Hercules.”

Voluptua [Vol]:  “So prove it.  Do something strong.”

H:  “I don’t have to prove anything.”

Vol:  “You certainly have the self-confidence of a Hercules.”

Sal:  “Salmoneus-- the Younger.  And may I say-- in my vast
travels, I have never come across such a fabulous undertaking.
This is a monument to human initiative and ingenuity.  It, and
you, are quite simply, marvels to behold.”

Vol:  “Hmm-- and what does the great Hercules think of our
little enterprise?”

H:  “I’m not big on places that separate poor people from their

Vol:  “No one forces them to come.”

H:  “The human spirit can’t always be strong.  I don’t
appreciate those who take advantage of it when it’s weak.”

Vol:  “We clearly don’t see this place in the same light.”

H:  “Clearly.”

Vol:  “Stick around, big boy.  You may change your mind after
you’ve been here a while.”

H:  “I seriously-- doubt it.”

Sal:  “Um, again-- my pleasure, my compliments, my best wishes,
and that’s a terrific dress.  Ha-ha!  Ooh!  What I could do with
a partner like her!  Ha-ha.”

Segal:  “This Hercules-- he could be trouble.”

Vol:  “Maybe-- or maybe he could make us even more profitable.”


Croupier’s Voice:  “Well, gentlemen.  It’ll take gold [?].”

Sal:  “Oh-- I never thought I’d see anything like this in my

H:  “Yeah, me neither.  I need to talk to Midas.  Think you can
keep yourself busy for awhile?”

Sal:  “It’ll be a challenge, but I’ll try.  Ah, Miss?  Luck, be
a lady tonight.”  [Drinks]

Hispides [His]:  “I like your toga.”

Sal [Spits out drink]:  “Uh [Clears throat]-- new shooter here!
[Clears throat]  Salmoneus needs a new pair of sandals!”

His:  “Ah, Salmoneus!  I-I once knew a Salmoneus!  [They laugh]
Yeah, everyone use-- !”

Sal:  “Waitin’ on them _bones_ down here!”

H:  “Flax?”

Man:  “Ladies and gentlemen!  For your gambling enjoyment!  A
test of courage and skill-- on the tightrope!  Red to red, blue
to blue-- first to reach the opposite pole _wins_-- the bag of
coins held by our very own palace queen-- Voluptua.”  [Applause]

Men’s Voices:  “Beautiful.”  “All right.”

Man:  “Of course-- winning doesn’t come easy.  So to make things
a little more interesting-- ”

A Man’s Voice:  “You think you can cover that action?”

H:  “Are you out of your mind?  Those are children up there!”

Vol:  “Makes your heart beat a little faster, doesn’t it?



H:  “Did you get your bet down?”

Sal:  “Listen-- even I don’t bet on somehting like this.  It’s

H:  “Boys!  Don’t move!  I’m coming to get you!”

Vol:  “Now, now-- we wouldn’t want to upset them.  They might
lose their balance.”

H:  “This is sick.”

Vol:  “I prefer to call it-- entertainment.  And where else can
two orphans earn this kind of money?”

Man’s Voice:  “Watch out!”

Smaller Boy:  “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Taller Boy:  “No!”

Man’s Voice:  “By the gods!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Good man!”

A Man’s Voice:  “He’s a hero!”

Vol:  “Very nice, boys-- and a little added excitement, today.”

H:  “You-- are a cold-hearted-- ”  [Ed.  Did USA snip an
expletive here?]

Vol:  “And you were very good.  I hadn’t thought about
incorporating heroics into the act.  The crowd loved it.  We
could use someone like you.”

Segal:  “Nice catch.”

H:  “In case you didn’t know-- I don’t like you.”

Vol:  “Save your anger.” 

Segal:  “Aren’t you sore?  He ruined the whole show.”
Vol:  “You didn’t hear the crowd?”

Segal:  “They wanted blood.”

Vol:  “Sometimes-- and sometimes they want heroics.  And he-- is
just what I want.”


H:  “We need to discuss your partners.”

Midas:  “But I’m not supposed to lea-- ”

H [Interrupting]:  “Now.”

Midas:  “I can’t be gone long.”

H:  “Just what kind of people have you hooked up with?”

Midas:  “Uh, the-- tightrope piece.  Well, sometimes they get a
little-- reckless and irresponsible, eh-- ”

H:  “Irresponsible?  Those boys could’ve been killed!”

Midas:  “Yes, well, they didn’t tell me about-- adding the
spikes.  I’ll have to speak to them about that.”

H:  “Yeah, I saw how you spoke to them earlier.  I’m sure
they’ll listen.”

Midas:  “Look-- it’s easy for you to point fingers.  You weren’t
here during the last drought, when we-- lost a quarter of our
population to starvation, or five years earler, when floods--
swept away a third!”

H:  “Midas, we  can’t control nature.”

Midas:  “My point exactly.  But we can control this.  No more
worrying about plagues, or too much water, or not enough.  It
may be gambling-- but at least, we’re in control.”

H:  “Are you?”

Midas:  “You forget-- I am still the king here.”

H:  “A king should be wise enough to know when he needs help.”

Midas:  “I’ll be the judge of that.”


Vol:  “Four hundred and ninety-eight; four hundred and
ninety-nine; Fi-- ”

Segal:  “I tell you-- he is gonna be trouble.”

Vol:  “I’m sure it won’t be anything you can’t handle.”

Segal:  “This isn’t just any man; this is Hercules.”

Vol:  “I’m sure there’ll be a few guards out there who would
love to see him get his comeuppance.”

Segal:  “Hera.”

Vol:  “We’ve been very good at making sacrifices to her.  I bet
she’d be very pleased to help us get rid of Hercuels--

Segal:  [Chuckles]


H:  “Flaxen!  I’d like to talk to you.”

Flax:  “About what?”

H:  “I didn’t know you could-- dance.”

Flax [Chuckles]:  “Dance-- right.  Voluptua taught me.  She’s
very good at getting people to do what she wants.”

H:  “I’m becoming aware of that, yes”

Flax:  “It’s not the end of the world.  My father shakes hands,
and I shake-- ”

H [Interrupting]:  “I _get_ the picture.” 

Flax:  “Do you?  My father spent the best years of his life
trying to keep this kingdom solvent and at peace.  He even sold
off all his gold.  And then these plunderers come in, and take
everything he did, and turn it upside down.  The sad part is,
is-- most people think he’s responsible.”

H:  “Uh-- we can change that; we can show them the truth.”

Flax:  “They don’t want to know the truth.  Haven’t you seen the
lines at the gambling pits?  Go back home, Hercules.  Your
stirring things up will only put us in more danger.”


Sal:  “All you can eat for a dinar and a half?  How do they do

His:  “They import their food.”

Sal:  “Uh, no, no, I-I-I-mea-I meant the price.”

His:  “They figure, anything that can keep you inside the palace
will keep you gambling.”

Sal:  “Ha-ha.  Ha-ha-ha.  Very clever.  Very clever.  Ha-ha-ha.”

His:  “There’s uh-- there’s dessert on the next table.”

Sal:  “Ah, ah, ah-- I’m on a diet.  It-it doesn’t stay soft--
bu-ah-hard-- ah, by itself.  I, ah-- I gotta be going.”


Flax:  “Who said you could come here?”

Segal:  “You forget.  I’m part owner of this place.  I’ll do
what I want.”

Flax:  “Get out.”

Segal:  “I was disappointed-- when you didn’t finish your last
dance.  Oh, the way you dropped the last veil-- gave me such--
pleasent dreams.”

Flax:  “You’re a pig.”

Segal:  “Now-- is that any way to talk to your future husband?”

Flax:  “Wake up, Segallus.  You’re dreaming.”

Segal:  “Ah!  Ow!  Wife or slave-- one way or the other-- I’ll
have you.”

H:  “You don’t have to-- do this.”

Flax:  “Leave me alone.”

H:  “Who did this to you?”

Flax:  “Don’t get involved, please.”

H:  “Who?”

Flax:  “Segallus.”


H:  “Where’s Segallus?”

Thad:  “Right over there.”

H:  “Segallus!”

Segal:  “Something I can help you with?”

H:  “Someone needs to teach you respect for women.”

Segal:  “Great!  I take that to mean-- you’ll be part of our

Man’s Voice:  “He’s on!”



H:  “I’m not part of anyone’s show.”

Segal:  [Laughs]

Man’s Voice:  “Oh?”


Soldiers’ Voices:  “Come on!”  “Do it!”  “Get him!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Way to go, Hercules!”

Soldier’s Voice:  “He’s mine!”

A Man’s Voice:  “I believe in Hercules!”

Soldier’s Voice:  “Yeah!”

Men’s Voice:  “He’s done it!  He’s defeated them all!”
“Hercules is the greatest.”

Woman’s Voice:  “I knew he’d do it!”

H:  “Segallus!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Pay up!”

Man’s voice:  “You owe me two hundred dinars!”

H:  “Don’t you people have better things to do with your money?”

Vol:  “Speaking of money, I’m very impressed.  Here-- you’ve
earned it.”

H:  “I don’t fight for profit.  And you tell Segallus this isn’t
over.  He doesn’t hit Flaxen again-- ever.”

Vol:  “So-- Hercules has a thing for our little dancer, huh?”

Flax:  “Thank you.”

H:  “Segallus and I haven’t had our-- discussion yet.”

Flax:  “I think he got the message.  I’ve decided I’m not going
to dance anymore.”

H:  “Good for you”

Flax:  “But I’m worried about my father.  They’ve threatened us
before, and I’m not sure he can stand up to Segallus and
Voluptua by himself.”

H:  “He’s the king.  And his subjects should stand up with him.”

Flax:  “I’m not sure he has that kind of influence anymore.
Besides, the ironheads are very strong and powerful.”

H:  “I’ve already offered your father my help-- but I’m not sure
he wants it.”

Flax:  “He wants it.  He just doesn’t know how to ask.  He’s a
proud man.”

H:  “I’m here if he needs me.”


Comic:  “A guy goes to Aesculapius, and says, ‘I hear you study
medicine!  Could you take a look at my leg?!  I got run over by
a chariot the other day!’  Aesculapius looks-- and says, ‘Ah!
Take two herbs!  Come back in the morning!”  [Laughter]  “Excuse
me, sir!  [Continues in background]  This pretty lass!”

His:  “Salmoneus?”

Comic:  “She’s in the bath!  OK!  There’s a knock at the door!”

His:  “Salmoneus.”

Comic:  “The voice says, ‘It’s the [?] man from the village!’”

His:  “Where’s Salmoneus?  Has anyone seen him here?”

Sal:  “You haven’t seen me.  Sorry.  Sorry.  Ah-- Coming
through.  Coming through.  Ah.  Ah.  I dropped some grapes.
Wait.  Look out.  OK.  Sorry.  Wasn’t me.”


Midas:  “Hercules was right.  We fooled ourselves.  All we’ve
done is trade misfortunes.”

Flax:  “It’s not your fault.  Your intentions were good.  I know
we argue and fight, but I respect what you tried to do.”

Midas:  “Even if I was wrong?”

Flax:  “I said some awful things.  You must hate me.”

Midas:  “Never.  One day, when you have children of your own,
you’ll realize that a parent can never stop loving them.
[Chuckles]  I’m more concerned about losing your love.”

Flax:  “You won’t.  I will always love you.”

Midas:  “Oh-- I would die a happy man if I could really believe
that.  Hm-hm-hm.  Flaxen, promise me one thing.  If something
should happen to me-- you’ll get Hercules to help you set this
kingdom back on the right path.”

Flax:  “You aren’t going to do anything foolish, are you?”

Midas:  “Foolish?  No.  Smart?  Yes.  Something I should have
done a long time ago.”


Thad:  “Please, Sire.  They’re not to be disturbed.”

Midas:  “Thaddeus, I am still your king.”

Thad:  “Sire-- you’re putting me in a very awkward position.”

Segal:  “You-- again?  What is it this time?”

Midas:  “I quit!  You’re gonna have to find yourself another
stooge for this enterprise.”

Segal:  “You’re serious?”

Midas:  “Never more serious in all my life.”

Segal:  “I’d say this begs further discussion.  Thaddeus-- no
more visitors until we have this matter settled.  Thaddeus-- the
king has new quarters.  Lock him in the animal cages-- and keep
him there.”

Thad:  “I’m sorry, Sire.”


Vol:  “You know we will do as you wish.  Thank you, great Hera.
Thank you.”


Segal:  “Hooh!  I’ve been looking for you.”

Vol:  “Trouble?”

Segal:  “The king wants to quit glad-handing.”

Vol:  “So let him.  A present-- from Hera.  Don’t touch the
blades.  They’ll cut and sear-- and no one will be able to stop
the bleeding.”

Segal:  “Ohhh-- it is a thing of beauty.”

Vol:  “It’ll stop anyone who gets in our way.”

Seg:  “Even-- Hercules?”

Vol:  “It’ll destroy him.  And his embalmed corpse’ll be more of
a draw than Midas ever was.”


Sal:  “I wanna show you how much fun this can be.”

H:  “Fun.”

Sal:  “Yeah, fun!  Now, watch closely.  This is how it’s done.
Hit me!”

H:  “Well, you did-- ask for it.”

Sal:  “That’s not how we play where I come from!”

Croupier:  “House rules.”

Sal:  “Another card?”

Flax:  “Hercules.  I’m worried about my father.”

H:  “Why, what’s wrong?”

Flax:  “I don’t know, it’s-- he was just acting kind of funny.”

H:  “I wonder what Voluptua knows about this.”

Flax:  “I just came from there and no one was around.”

H:  “Why don’t you wait in your dressing room?  I’m gonna see
what I can find out.”

His:  “Salmoneus.”

Sal [Laughs]:  “Yes!  Yes!”


Thad:  “I’m sorry, Sire.  I’m just following orders.”

Midas:  “You used to follow my orders.”

Thad:  “Things were different in the kingdom then.  I wish we
could go back to those days.”

Midas:  “We can.  We don’t have to listen to Voluptua or
Segallus.  We can take this palace down-- go back to tilling the
fields and raising something-- something we can be proud of.”

Thad:  “I’m not sure.  I mean, the people are ripe for a change,
but-- ”

Midas:  “But, what?!”

Thad:  “They’d need your leadership.”

Midas:  “Then I’ll give it to them!  Just let me out.  Let me
rally my subjects like the old days.”

Thad:  “I don’t know.  If Segallus or Voluptuer [sic] ever found
out-- ”

Midas:  “It doesn’t matter.  Don’t you see?  We’ll overthrow
them.  We’ll take back the kingdom.  Just let me out.”

Thad:  “OK.”

Segal:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  This-- will do nicely-- very


H:  “Where’s King Midas?  And who killed Thaddeus?”

Vol:  “Segallus informed me that Thaddeus had an unfortunate
accident.  As for the king-- he’s with his daughter.”

H:  “Where?”

Vol:  “There.  Ooooh!  I think we finally found a way to
convince you to star in your own show.  Their fate-- is in your



Segal:  “What do you think of this?  I thought it up myself.”

H:  “I think you’re sicker than she is.”

Vol:  “Flatterer.  Here’s the story.  It’s rigged so that if she
tries to get away, he dies.  And if you don’t do exactly as we
say, they both die.”

H:  “What do you want me to do?”

Vol:  “Make us very wealthy.  A lotta high rollahs [sic] will be
betting that the legendary Hercules can’t be bested in a boxing

H:  “So-- you get the odds pumped up-- bet on-- Segallus-- I
take a dive, and you collect.”

Vol:  “You’re a quick study.”

H:  “You’re easy to read.  When do you let Flaxen and Midas go?”

Vol:  “As soon as we collect our winnings.”

H:  “And, of course, I have your-- word on that.”

Vol:  “Have some trust, big boy.  We wouldn’t want Midasius to
be without a king, now, would we?”


Announcer:  “Ladies and gentlemen-- a special event, here at
‘The Golden Touch’.  Hercules, a legend in his own time, has
agreed to fight in our boxing competition.”

Woman’s Voice:  “We’re with you, Hercules!”

Announcer:  “And presiding over all this-- is none other-- than
our own-- ”

Woman’s Voice [In background]:  “Do us proud, Hercules!”

Annoncer:  “-- Voluptua.”

Vol:  “This prestigious event will take wagering to new heights.
Not only is Hercules fighting for his own nonor and glory-- he’s
also fighting for-- your king’s life.”

Man’s Voice:  “We can’t let this-- ”

Vol:  “If he loses-- Segallus will marry Flaxen-- and Midasius
will have a new king and queen.  And now, to make things even
more interesting-- Hercules will have to win all of his events--
before this rope burns through.”

Announcer’s Voice:  “Get your money down, folks!  This is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!”

Sal [Interrupts]:  “Psst!”

Man’s Voice:  “All right!  [?]”

Woman’s Voice:  “All right!  Twenty-to-one!”

Sal [Whispering]:  “How’d you get yourself into this mess?”

H:  “It wasn’t exactly a voluntary decision.”

Woman’s Voice [In Background]:  “One thousand dinars!”  

H:  “Find me a throwing knife.”

Sal:  “Throwing knife?  Oh, y-y-you mean a slim knife?  A short
sword?  An asa-- ”

H:  “Salmoneus-- just find me a knife.”

Sal:  “Right.”

H:  “Thank you.”

Man’s Voice:  “Ten dinars on Hercules.”

Soldier:  “Hmm?”

Announcer:  “Odds are five-to-one!  Five-to-one on Hercules!”

Sal:  “Five-to-one odds!  Not bad, huh?!  Huh-huh?!  I can bet
five dinars on Hercules to win one?  That’s twenty per cent
return.  I can’t pass that up!  Put it all on Hercules.  Yeah.
Psssst!  [Whispers]  I hate to tell you this.  I don’t think
these guys plan on fighting fair at all.”

H:  “Yeah.  Uh-- did you get the knife?”

Sal:  “I’m working on it.”

H:  “Work-- faster.”

Sal:  “Faster.”

Announcer:  “Here we go!  Round one is about to start.”

H:  “That’s your king up there!  He made the mistake of letting
the wrong people into this kingdom.  But you’ll make a bigger
mistake if you let them take over.”

Vol [Laughs]:  “I wanna remind you that if anyone makes a move
to help Hercules, Midas will die instantly.  Begin!”

H:  “Can we get on with this?”

Announcer:  “Here you go, folks!  Bet on Hercules!  Fifteen
dinars will win you one!  Or-- bet against him-- one dinar wins
you fifteen!

Vol:  “We’re gonna make a killing.”

Segal:  “In more ways-- than one.”

H:  “I think your odds just went down.”

Announcer:  “One hundred-to-one!  One hundred-to-one on

H:  “Do you, uh-- mind hurrying?”

Boxer:  “Float like a butterfly!  Sting like a bee!”

H:  “So much for insects.”

Announcer:  “Five hundred-to-one, folks!  Get your bets!”

Sal:  “Hi.  Could I borrow that?”

His:  “Salmoneus.  No-- but you can buy it.”

Sal:  “I don’t have any more money.  I bet it all on Hercules.”

His:  “Well, I’m sure we can work something out.”

Sal:  “But-- ee-- d-- Mmmm!”

Man’s Voice:  “Come on, Hercules!”

Announcer:  “One thousand-to-one odds in favor of Hercules,
folks!  Place your betsand make your fortune!”

Vol:  “Bet it all on Segallus.”

Announcer:  “Ladies and gentlemen!  We come to the main event!
A no-holds-barred, fight to the death!  Between Segallus--
champion of the East [Boos]-- and Hercules!  Place your bets!”

Woman’s Voice:  “Let’s go, Hercules!”

Man’s Voice:  “Hercules!”

Sal:  “Pssst!  [Whispers]  I gotta tell ya that Segallus has one
wicked-looking knife.  But this!  Should help even things up.”

H:  “You couldn’t find anything smaller.”

Sal:  “It’s the best I could do.”

Man’s Voice:  “He just freed them!”

Flax:  “Hang on, Father.  I’ll help you.”

H:  “Guess that takes your advantage away.”

Segal:  “Flaxen will still be my queen.  No holds barred--

Flax:  “Hang on, Father.  I’ll help you.”

Men’s Voices:  “Come on, Hercules!  You can do it!”  “I lost
money on you, Hercules!”

H:  “I’ll say this one last time.  I won’t overthrow them by
myself.  It’s your kingdom!  You have to decide if you wanna
fight for it.”

Midas:  “Hercules is right!  Stand up for your kingdom!  For
your land!”

Crowd:  “Yeah!”


Man’s Voice:  “Watch your backs!”

Segal:  “No matter.  As soon as you die-- the fight will go out
of them.”  [Laughs]

H:  “I think you should join your friends.”

Flax:  “Not so fast!  Besides-- don’t you have a debt to pay?”

Man’s Voice:  “Come on!  Get up!”

H [Clears throat]:  “I thought you said you weren’t gonna be
taking your clothes off anymore.”

Flax:  “Oh, yeah.”

H:  “Uh-huh.”  [They laugh.]

Sal:  “Not bad for a nail file, huh?  Ha-ha-ha-ha!”

H:  “Y-E-S, it was brilliant.  Salmoneus, it’s so nice of you to
give King Midas his gold back.”

Midas:  “Ah, thank you, Hercules.”

H:  “He is always-- thinking of others.”

Flax:  “Yeah.”

Sal:  “Ah-hah!”


Midas:  “From this day forward-- let it be known-- that the
citizens of Midasius-- will return-- to their farming
traditions!”  [Applause]

Man’s Voice:  “All right!”

Midas:  “All gambling indebtedness-- will be-- forgiven [Cheers
and Applause]-- with, uh-- two exceptions!”

Man’s Voice:  “Thank you!”

Midas:  “We remain-- indebted to Hercules!  [Cheers].  Also--
those who betted against Hercules-- retain their indebtedness to
the city of Midasius-- a debt they will repay with the sweat of
their labor.”

Vol:  “Would you keep moving?”

People’s Voices:  “To Hercules!”

Midas:  “To Hercules!  Our one sure bet!”

People:  “To Hercules!”  [Cheers and Applause]

Sal:  [Screams]  Hispides?  You’ve changed.”

His:  “Uh-- y-y-you like it?”

Sal:  “Uh, yeah, that too.”

His:  “Sal-- so I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this
idear [sic] I had.  [Clears throat]  I-I-I know some traders
who’d be interested in recycling building products.  We could
make a killing.”

Sal:  “You mean, all those beautiful furnishings and

His:  “Yeah, yeah.”

Sal:  “I wanna know more about this.  Cut-rate prices.”

H:  “Well, it looks like Salmoneus hit the jackpot.”

Midas:  “Hercules, I can’t begin to thank you.”

Flax:  “Well, I can.”

H:  “Thank you.  King Midas-- promise me one thing.”

Midas:  “What would that be?”

H:  “That you will never-- gamble with your blessings.”

Flax:  “We promise.”

Midas:  “Oh, we promise.”

H:  “Good-- then you’ll always be rich.”


Click here to return to the HTLJ ALL THAT GLITTERS page.

Guide Table of ContentsBack to Whoosh!