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“The Other Side”  Episode 21/208


Falafel [Fal]:  “Yo, traveller!  Try something new!”

H:  “And what would that be?”

Fal:  “Food-- fast food-- for the hungry-- and the hurried.”

H:  “I am hungry, but I’m more-- interested in good food.”

Fal:  “Oh, give it a try.  First bite is free.”

H:  “It’s awful.  The bread-- tastes like chalk and the meat--
whatever it is-- is overcooked.”

Fal:  “But it’s fast!”

H:  “And so is road kill.”

Fal:  “Road kill?  You mean, those little rodents that get run
over by passing wagons?”

H:  “Yeah.”

Fal:  “Interesting!  I thought you were hungry.”

H:  “I’m not _that_ hungry.”

Fal:  “Oh.”  [Sniffs]

H:  “Wa-wa-wait.  You’re gonna resell it?”

Fal:  “A shame to waste good food!”

H:  “Fast food.  What d’ya call that thing?” 

Fal:  “That.  Same as my name.”

H:  “‘Full-awful.’”

Fal:  “Good name-- don’t you think?”

H [Chuckles]:  “It’s perfect.”


Swineherd:  “Spring is here, Sal.  The gods have blessed us with
another beautiful day.”

Persephone [Per]:  “Were you talking to me?  You were talking to
your little friends, weren’t you?  May I?  They’re so cute.”

Swineherd:  “And smart, too.  You can train them like a dog.”

Per:  “Shouldn’t they be in pens?”

Swineherd:  “No.  I don’t believe-- anything should be locked

Per:  “Oh, that’s a beautiful thought.”

Demeter [Dem]:  “Persephone, what have I told you about talking
to strangers?!”

Per:  “Oh, Mother, he’s harmless.  He’s just a swineherder.”

Swineherd:  “Herding pigs is an important job.”

Dem:  “Typical mortal.”

Swineherd:  “Who are you talking to?”

Dem:  “Sounds just like your father.  Believe me, the less you
deal with them, the better off you are.  What are you doing
here, anyway?”

Per:  “Well, you made such a wonderful spring day, I’d thought
I’d take advantage of it.  Look at all the lovely wildflowers.”

Dem:  “No prettier than you, my dear.  Oh, my.  Look at that
poor oak tree.  I must tend to it.”

Swineherd:  “Gods above!”

Hades:  “Ha!  Ha!  Ya!  Ha!  Ya!  Whoa!”

Per:  “Hades!  No, Hades, no!”  [Screams]

Hades:  “Ha!”

Swineherd:  “Phil?!  Sal?!”

Hades:  “Come on!  I’ve gotcha!  Yah!”

Per [Screaming]:  “Noo!”

Hades:  “Yah!  Yah!”




H:  “Demeter?”

Dem:  “He took her, and now she’s gone!”

H:  “Who took who?”

Dem:  “Hades-- he kidnapped my daughter and took her to the
other side.”

H:  “He took Persephone?  But why?”

Dem:  “Because he hates me.  Hercules, you have to help me.”

H:  “What can I do?  I mean, if Hades is behind this, it’s a
problem for the gods.”

Dem:  “You’ve been to the other side and come back.”

H:  “This isn’t my concern.  You and Hades are both gods.  It’s
reason enough for me to stay out of it.”

Dem:  “There’ll be consequences if you turn me down.”

H:  “I’m willing to suffer them.  I’m sorry for you-- but I
can’t help.”

Dem:  “You’re gonna be a lot sorrier before I’m through!”


Dem’s Voice:  “The Earth shall be barren as my heart.”


H:  “Demeter.”


Farmer:  “I wish I could offer you something-- but all of our
food is gone.”

H:  “This usually is fertile land.  I’m sorry.”

Farmer:  “Last year, we lost our goat herd to pestilence.  We
were counting on this year’s crop when-- ”

H:  “-- the storm.”

Farmer:  “Now, the last of our livestock has died.  All the
other farms are having the same problems-- frozen livestock--
frozen crops.  We were already living on the edge when this
storm hit.”

H:  “Here.  It’s-- not much, but-- it’ll help tide you over.”

Farmer:  “I wouldn’t accept it-- but for the kids.”

H:  “Don’t worry about it.”

Farmer:  “When the goddess of the harvest turns against you--
there’s not much anyone can do.”

H:  “Yes, there is.  Thanks for the use of your fire.”


H:  “Demeter-- I’ve reconsidered.”

Dem:  “I thought you might.”

H:  “What you’re doing to mankind is unconscionable.”

Dem:  “What Hades did to me and my Persephone is

H:  “You’ve made your point.  Let’s get on with this.”

Dem:  “I’ve talked to the other gods.  You’ll be allowed to go
to the other side.  Find my daughter and bring her back.”

H:  “As easy as that.  Hades is a formidable god.  He rules the
other side-- all of it.”

Dem:  “And he’ll use everything in his power to keep Persephone
there-- demons, ghosts, monsters-- he’s full of sorcery and

H:  “And if I go-- and return with Persephone-- you’ll set
nature back on course-- the weather-- the harvest?”

Dem:  “You have my word.  Just remember-- you can’t eat the food
of the other side.  And once you start back-- don’t look behind

H:  “Or what?”

Dem:  “Or you’ll be stuck there forever.”

H:  “How do I get there?”  [Screams]


H:  “Nooo!  Thanks, Demeter.”


Children’s Voices:  “Give me the ball!  Give me the ball!”

H:  “Deianeira.”

Charon:  “Stop!”



Charon:  “Hold it right there!”

H:  “Charon?”

Charon:  “Aw, it’s you, Hercules.  Great, I feel really

H:  “You don’t sound surpried to see me.”

Charon:  “Well, what’s the surprise?  We all know you’re

H:  “You do?”

Charon:  “In fact-- Hades is really looking forward to it.
[Laughs]  Oh, boy-- have you got your work cut out.”  [Laughs]

H:  “That pig.”

Charon:  “Yeah, cute, huh?  I’m gonna eat him later.  Actually,
I-- I fell on a bit of
luck the other day.  Or I should say, a bit of luck fell on me--
nearly broke my neck.  And then-- I’m standing there-- just
minding my own business-- and Hades comes along in that stupid
chariot of his-- you know-- driving like a maniac-- nearly
knocked me down.  Still-- you don’t look a gift pig in the
mouth, do ya?  [Laughs]  Actually, it’s very difficult to get
food around here.”

H:  “So I hear.  This chariot-- Persephone in it?”

Charon:  “Persephone?  Oh, yeah, well, you know, Hades has got a
big thing about Persephone.”

H:  “Then, he did kidnap her.” 

Charon:  “Well, you know-- there’s two sides to every coin--
speakin’ of which-- you still owe me from last time.”

H:  “Yeah-- put in on my tab.”

Charon:  “Ta-- what is that?


Per:  “I can’t believe you’d do something like that!  To

Hades:  “I did what I had to do.”

Per:  “You’ve probably aged my mother twenty years!  She’s very
emotional, you know.”

Hades:  “I can’t change what’s already been done.”

Per:  “You could have talked to her, or something.”

Hades:  “Right-- all I had to do was ask her, and she’d let you
come and live on the other side-- be my wife-- hah-- when
Tartarus freezes over.  Look-- I’m sorry if I caused you or your
mother any grief.  I only did it because-- I love you.”

Pers:  “Oh, great-- that justifies it.  You love someone, so you
can do whatever you want.”

Hades:  “Why don’t you relax-- have some food?  You haven’t
eaten since you got here.”

Per:  “You know I can’t eat the food of the other side.  I’ll be
stuck here forever.”

Hades:  “Would that be so bad?”

Per:  “What about my mother?”

Hades:  “She can come visit.  We’ll build on an extra room.”

Per:  “She’d never go for it.”

Hades:  “That would be her loss.”

Per:  “That was a pretty wild chariot ride.”

Hades:  “We can do that any time you like.”

Per:  “Oh, Hades-- why does it have to be like this?”


Charon:  “I just don’t get it.  How come, whenever I deal with
you, I get the short end of the stick?”

H:  “Ah-- it only seems that way, Charon.  It’s because of your
negative outlook.”

Charon:  “Negative?!  How can you say that?!  I mean, look
around.  You see any sunlight-- any dancing girls?  This ain’t
exactly a cheery place, you know.”

H:  “I’ll tell you what.  I’ll make it up to you.  Keep that pig
alive till I get back-- I’ll give ya a special recipe for him.”

Charon:  “Hah.”

H:  “There’s garlic.”

Charon:  “Garlic.”

H:  “Honey.”

Charon:  “Honey.”

H:  “I’ll give the rest to ya, later.”

Charon:  “All right.  But remember, you owe me two gold coins.”

H:  “Yeah, I’m good for it.”

Charon:  “Well, don’t leave town!  Ah, I don’t know.  I should
charge him interest.  I should charge him a lot of interest.”


Boy:  “Your turn!  Here!  [Etc.]”

Ilea:  “Wait for me!”

Deianeira [Dei]:  “Hercules?  Hercules!”

H:  “Deianeira.”

Dei:  “I am so glad you’re back.”

H:  “Back.”

Dei:  “You’ve been gone much too long this time.  I swear, if
you were gone any longer, you’d be-- a stranger to your own

H:  “Too long.”

Dei:  “Awww, gosh-- I know you’re a busy man.  You have monsters
to slay and-- villains to battle.  We should be grateful we get
to see you at all.  You must be starving.  Come on, let me fix
you something to eat.”

H:  “Wait.  Let me say hello to the kids, first.”

Dei:  “Oh!  What am I thinking about?  Children!  Your father’s

Clonis:  “Daddy’s home?”

H:  “Aeson.”

Ilea:  “It really is Daddy!  Daddy!”

H:  “Ilea.”

Ilea:  “Daddy, I missed you.”

H:  “I missed you too, Ilea.  I missed you all so much.”

Ilea:  “Are you crying, Daddy?”

H:  “No-- no, it’s the wind-- just-- blew something in my eye.
Ilea-- my little baby.”


H:  “One arm for each of you!  Yeah!”

Dei:  “OK, everybody, let’s sit down and eat before the food
gets cold.”

H:  “In a minute.  I just wanna finish teaching these boys how
to wrestle, first.  Whoa!  Who’s there?  Who was that?  Who was
that?  Oh, you wanna wrestle, too?  Huh?”

Dei:  “You act like you haven’t been home in ages.”

H:  “Why, I just wanna enjoy this while I can.  You know-- if
something else comes up and I’m off, again.”

Dei:  “Well-- let’s enjoy it, later.  Let’s eat first.”

H:  “All right, let’s go!  Whoa!  Hey!  Wait a minute!  This
isn’t fair!  Ohhhh!”


Dei:  “Hi.”

H:  “Hi.”

Dei:  “You know, I don’t understand.  You haven’t eaten anything
all night.  You OK?”

H:  “Hmm-- I’ve never felt better.”

Dei:  “Well-- you would think-- that fighting hydras and
protecting the innocent would work up some kind of appetite.”

H:  “My appetite is fine.  I’ve-- got other things on my mind.”

Dei:  “Well-- maybe food is-- not what you’re hungry for.
You’re probably not ready for a main course.  A little
appetizer?  A little something to nibble on?”

H:  “Nibbling is good.”

Dei:  “Hm-hmmmm-- I’ve got just the place.”

H:  “Show me.”


Per:  “Hades-- don’t be a voyeur.”

Hades:  “They do make a nice couple.”

Per:  “Come on.  Give them some privacy.”

Hades:  “Give me one good reason.”

Per:  “I can give you several.  Come on.  Leave them alone.”



H:  “Clonis-- you are getting so strong.”

Clonis:  “‘Cause I wanna be just like you when I grow up,

Aeson:  “I wanna drive chariots when I grow up-- Dad.”

H:  “Oh yeah?  You think you can handle this?”

Aeson [?]:  “Yeah!”

H:  “Huh?!  I’m gonna get you guys!  I’m gonna get you!  You’re
not getting away from me!  Persephone.”

Per:  “Hercules.”

H:  “How did you get away from Hades?”

Per:  “He’s off doing his rounds in Tartarus.”

H:  “Well-- you weren’t tied up, or guarded?”

Per:  “Why?  Where is there to run?  How’s my mom?”

H:  “How do you think?  Maker of thunderstorms and tornadoes.”

Per:  “She’s so sensitive.  Any little thing goes wrong, and she
has these giant mood swings.”

H:  “I’ve noticed.”

Pers:  “I keep telling her to take some herbs or something--
help even it out.”

H:  “Ah-- she’ll be fine once we get you back.”

Dei:  “Back where?  What’s wrong?  Is she in trouble?”

H [Sighs]:  “Yeah.”

Dei:  “Oh.  So, I guess that means you’ll be leaving again.
Well-- I can’t let either one of you leave on an empty stomach.
How about if I fix you guys something to eat?”

Per:  “Oh, I’m starving-- but I can’t.”

Dei:  “Oh, of course you can!  Come on!  Come on in the house!”

H:  “Ah.”

Per:  “Doesn’t she know we can’t eat the food from the other

H [Sighs]:  “Deianeira, the kids-- they don’t know they’re dead.
They’re reliving the happiest moments of their lives.  What is

Per:  “That pig.”

H:  “What about it?”

Pers:  “It belongs to the swineherd I was talking to when Hades
grabbed me.”

H:  “Oh, OK.  It’s from above and you’re really hungry.”

Per:  “Oh, it’s not that.  His pigs were like family.  We have
to get that one back.”

H:  “Persephone, right now my problem is getting you back.”

Per:  “Please.”

H:  “What is it with people and pigs?  Don’t go anywhere.  Come
here!  Why do I get myself into these things?”


Women:  “We cannot rest until we fill the well.  [Repeats six
more times]”

Hades:  “Don’t bother.  If he had lived a better life, he
wouldn’t be here.”

H:  “Hades.”

Hades:  “Welcome to Tartarus-- or, as I like to refer to it as--
the other side-- of the other side.”

Man:  [Screams]

H:  “That’s cruel.”

Hades:  “No crueler than he was in his previous life.  Believe
me-- he deserves it.”

Tickler:  “Tickle, tickle.  How does it feel?”

Hades:  “And you better watch yourself if you wanna return to
the world as you know it.”

H:  “Do you know what’s going on up there?

Hades:  “I hear Demeter is a little mad.”

H:  “‘Gone mad’ is more accurate.  She’s ruined the harvest with
winter storms.  People are starving-- dying.”

Women [Continuing in background]:  “We can not rest-- until we
fill the well.”

Hades:  “The woman does have her moods.”

H:  “What do you expect?  You kidnapped her only daughter.”

Hades:  “‘Kidnapped.’  Demeter would say that.”

H:  “You were wrong in taking her, Hades.  She’s going back.”

Hades:  “Not if I can help it.”

Apple Man:  “A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.
Huh.  The direct-- approach.”

H:  “Here-- let me help you.”

Apple Man:  “Huh.  Head on.  Head on.”

H:  “Good luck, my friend.”

Apple Man:  “His bark-- is worse than his bite.”


H:  “A chain’s weakest link.  Head on.  Well, my friend-- maybe
you weren’t so delirious after all.  Cerberus.  We’ve been down
this road, before.  I didn’t hurt you then; I won’t now.  So
much for a guard dog.”


Per:  [Gasps]

H:  “Shh!  Sh!”

Per:  “Hercules-- what are you doing here?”

H:  “I thought we went over that.”

Per:  “But how did you get past Hades’ dog?”

H:  “We’re old acquaintances.  Get dressed.”

Per:  “You know, Hades really isn’t so bad.”

H:  “Right-- the guy who abducts girls and pigs.  They should
build a statue for him.”

Per:  “He just has this reputation of being cold and uncaring.
People forget he’s also in charge of the Elysian Fields.”

H:  “You like him?”

Per:  “I think he’s wonderful.  Look-- if he’s been cruel to
anyone in Tartarus, it’s because they deserve it.  And besides--
he’s kind of sexy.”

H:  “‘Sexy’?  He kidnaps you-- your mother sends nature on a
rampage, and all you can think of is-- ‘Sexy’?”

Per:  “So, he’s not perfect.  Who is?  That doesn’t mean he
can’t change-- if the right person came along.”

H:  “Well, it won’t be you.  Do you two have any idea what your
mother’s moods have done to mankind?  People are dying up

Per:  “I’m sorry.  I-I didn’t realize.”

H:  “Well, you do now.  Let’s get going.”

Per:  “Wait.”

H:  “What?”

Per:  “The pig.”

H:  “Oh-- I wondered where he went.  I’ve had enough of your
squealing.  I think it’s best if you wait back here.”


H:  “Hold this!  Thanks.  Let’s go.”


Hades:  “I won’t be that easy.”



H:  “Wait over there.”

Hades:  “Let’s settle this right now.”


Per:  “Stop it!  This isn’t gonna prove anything!”

Hades:  “Take this, instead!”

H:  “Give it up!”

Hades:  “I’ll fight you unarmed if I have to-- but I won’t let
her go!”

H:  “Hades, I’m taking her!”

Hades:  “Give it up, Hercules!  You’re no match for a god!”

Pers:  “Stop!  Both of you!”

Hades:  “That’s a heck of a right you have.”

H:  “You took it pretty well.”

Hades:  “You took most of my best shots, too.”

H:  “You sure we can’t talk this out?  I mean-- we can keep this
up all day, but-- eventually-- I am gonna beat you.”

Hades:  “I doubt it-- but let’s talk.  I gotta catch my breath.”


Hades:  “Tell me-- how much do you love Deianeira?”

H:  “It’s-- beyond measure.  When she and the kids went out of
my life-- it left a void that can never be filled.”

Hades:  “That’s how I feel about Persephone.  I-- I just wish
her mother would understand that.”

H:  “Have you talked to her about it?”

Hades:  “Talked, cajoled, pleaded, threatened-- I’ve tried
everything.  She just won’t let her have anything to do with

H:  “Mothers can be very protective.”

Hades:  “Try ‘Overprotective.’  I don’t know-- maybe it’s my
manner or my clothes.  They won’t even let me come around the
Elysian Fields any more-- claim I’m too gloomy.”

H:  “A change in wardrobe couldn’t hurt.” 

Hades:  “You think I dress badly?”

H:  “Well, not badly, but-- dark.”

Hades:  “Take a look around you!  You think this is a fun job?!
Not only have I got the Elysian Fields to think of, I’ve got
Tartarus and the Asphodel Meadows!  I’ve  got an image to

H:  “Dress however you want.  What are we gonna do about

Hades:  “Hercules-- she’s the only bright spot in this whole

H:  “Can’t help that.  What you did was wrong.”

Hades:  “If you take her-- I’ll be doomed to the same emptiness
you felt when you lost your whole family.”

H:  “I can’t let her stay.  I made a deal.”


H:  “Persephone-- let’s go.”

Hades:  “Hercules-- take your wife.  I’ll change the rules.
Take your whole family if you want to-- anyone.  Just leave
Persephone here-- please.”

H:  “I can’t.”

Hades:  “Hercules!”


Dei:  “Well, there you are?  Where have you been?”

H:  “Deianeira-- we have to talk.  Persephone?”  [They go

H:  “Deianeira, I-- are you all right?”

Dei:  “It’s just that it feels so strange.  It’s like you don’t
belong here.”

H:  “I don’t.  I have been gone a long time-- but you and the
children-- have been gone a long time, as well.”

Dei:  “What are you saying?”

H:  “This isn’t my home.  I’m not dead yet.”

Dei:  “And we are?”

H:  “Yeah.”

Dei:  “Oh, I thought it might be something like that.  Things
just haven’t seemed right since you first showed up.”

H:  “You’re in the Elysian Fields.  I’ve wanted-- to tell you--

Dei [Interrupting]:  “Oh, it doesn’t matter.  We made the best
of this time together.”

H:  “Deianeira-- I-I can take you back-- you and the children.”


Ilea:  “Want some fruit?”


Dei:  “What would be the price of our going?”

H:  “Persephone would have to stay here.”

Dei:  “It doesn’t seem like she’s eager to leave.”

H:  “There’s more to it.  Demeter is punishing mankind by
withholding the harvest until her daughter returns.”

Dei:  “So people are starving-- and they’re dying.  And the
little problems of our family just pale in comparison, don’t
they?  Hercules-- you’re needed above.  There’s nobody who can
do what you can do.  It’s not like we haven’t been happy.” 

H:  “Till I returned and upset things.”

Dei:  “No-- don’t say that.  Seeing you brought me more joy than
you could have ever dreamed of.  But just promise me one thing.”

H:  “Anything.”

Dei:  “That no matter how long it takes-- that you and I will be
back together again.”

H:  “I promise.  Oh, Deianeira-- I’ll miss you.  I love you so

Dei:  “I’ll miss you, my love.”


H:  “Kids-- I have to go.  Clonis.”    

Clonis:  “Come back soon, Daddy.”

H:  “You be good.  Aeson-- you listen to your mother.”

Aeson:  “When will you be back?”

H:  “I’ll be back before you know it.  Ilea.”

Ilea:  “Don’t go, Daddy.”

H:  “We better go.”

Dei:  “Go.”


Charon:  “Ha-ha-ha.  Oh-- now that’s, uh-- tree gloves of
garlic, a-- pinch a’ basil-- oh, oh, oh, boy-- I’m lookin’
forward to this.  Yeah.  Ha-ha.  Ooh.  Sorry.  Ha-ha.  Ha.  Hey,
where’re you goin’ with my pig?!”

H:  “I promised I’d give you the recipe.  I didn’t say I’d let
you use it.”

Charon:  “Ah, now wait a minute!  Ah, no, I can’t believe he did
that!  Whatever happened to respect?!”


Per:  “Hercules!”

H:  “No-- no second thoughts.  We’re going!”

Per:  “Hercules, please, wait!”  [Screams]

H:  “He doesn’t give up, does he?”

Per:  “I-I can’t go.  I love him.”

H:  “Sorry-- we don’t have time to debate this.”

Hades-as-Dei:  “Hercules-- I’ve changed my mind!  I want to go
with you!”

H:  “Hold on.”

Hades-as-Dei:  “Please-- please don’t leave me here.  [Morphs
into Hades]  Please!  Don’t leave me!”

H:  “Here-- grab my hand!  Still want me to let go?!”

Per:  [Screams]

H:  “I didn’t think so.”

Per:  “Thank you.”

H:  “You’re welcome.  Come on.”


Dem:  “Persephone!”

Per:  “Mother!”

Hades:  “Wait!  You can’t go out there.”

Dem:  “She belongs to me.  You know the rules.  Hercules made it

Hades:  “I know the rules:  ‘Eat it and weep.’”

Dem:  “You ate the food of the other side?”

Per:  “I couldn’t help it; I was starving.”

Dem:  “Hercules brought her back!  She stays with me!”

Hades:  “She ate the food; she’s mine!”

H:  “Now hold on, both of you!  I hear a lot about what you
want-- and what you want, but I don’t hear what she wants.
Well, Persephone-- what do you want?”

Per:  “I don’t know-- both, I guess.”

Dem:  “You can’t.”

Hades:  “You have to pick.”

H:  “She already has.  She wants both.  She can have both.  She
ate half the fruit.  That means she can stay half the year on
the other side with Hades-- half, on Earth with her mother.”

Dem:  “There’s no way!”

Hades:  “I’ll take it to Zeus!”

H:  “Quiet!  Does that work for you, Persephone?  Then it should
work-- for all of you.”

Hades:  “Who gets her first?”

H:  “That’s for Persephone to decide.”

Per:  “Mankind is suffering.  Mother needs to get nature back on
course.  Six months really isn’t that long.”

Hades:  “It’ll seem like an eternity.”

Per:  “Oh, Hades!”

Dem:  “Oh!”

H:  “Ah!  Not-- one-- word.”

Per:  “I’ll see you soon, my love.  Think of me.”

Dem:  “Oh, I missed you, my dear.”

H:  “Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got some pigs to deliver.”

Hades:  “Hercules-- you have acted-- bravely and fairly
throughout all this.  Would you like to see your family one last

[Dei:  “Sleep well, my children-- and hold your father in your

Hades:  “I can wipe their minds of all the memories of your
visit-- if you think it’ll make it easier for them.”

Hades:  “They’ll be completely happy again?  Then do it.”

Hades:  “I wish I could do the same for you.”

H:  “No.  On this side, memories are all we really own.  I know
we’ll be together again, some day.  I want to hold onto that.
Thank you.”


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