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“Let the Games Begin”  Episode 29/216


H:  “So senseless.  When will they ever learn?”

Elean Soldier’s Voice:  “Take that, you Spartan dog!”  [Etc.]


H:  “No more fighting!  I said, no more fighting!  What’s wrong
with you people?!  Enough already!”

Damon:  “You’re either with us or against us!”

H:  “I’m not _with_ anybody!  But I am against fighting.”

Brontus [Bron]:  “Then you must be a coward!”

H:  “Actually-- I’m Hercules.”

Soldier’s Voice:  “He’s Hercules?!”

H:  “Now, that’s what I call being a coward.  Well, my friend,
when you wake up, you are gonna have one, big headache.”


H:  “Good afternoon.”

Damon:  “Are you still here?”

H:  “Just wanted to make sure you woke up.  You got hit pretty
hard back there.”

Damon:  “Ah, feels like somebody dropped the Parthenon on my

H:  “Here-- have some water.”

Damon:  “Who are you, really?”

H:  “I already-- told you.”

Damon:  “Uh-uh.  Nobody stays impartial in this war-- especially
not Hercules.  He always helps the Spartans.”

H:  “I only help those who need help-- and are worthy of it.”

Damon:  “Yeah, right.  Ah!”

H:  “Come on.  We gotta get you someplace to have somebody look
at those wounds.”

Damon:  “What do you mean, ‘We’?”

H:  “Wanna ask me that again?  I didn’t think so.  Now-- where
are we going?”

Damon:  “Propontus.”

H:  “Ah, that’s a half-day’s walk.  Think you can make it?”

Damon:  “I can make it.”

H:  “Good.  Have a name?”

Damon:  “Damon.”

H:  “Well, Damon-- let’s be on our way.”

Damon:  “I’m comin’ back here.  You can count on that.”

H:  “Uh-huh.”


Man:  “Ah, that’s nice.  How about that one?  That one.”

Damon:  “When I find that Elean that blindsided me-- I’m gonna
tear his lungs out.  Ahh.”

A Man:  “Ooh-- feeling pain, Son?”

Damon:  “What are _you_ starin’ at?!  I don’t need your
sympathy!  No Spartan does.”

H:  “Right-- I forgot.”

Damon:  “You can stop pretending you’re Hercules, now.  This is
it.  My aunt should be here.  She’s-- sort of a homebody.”

H:  “Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Why don’t you stay put?  I’ll see if
she’s here.”


H:  “Hello?  Hello, is anybody home?  Huh-- place seems
deserted.  Whoa!  Whoo, hey!  Hey!  Hey!”

Atalanta [Ata]:  “Hey, Herc?!”

H:  “Atalanta?”

Ata:  “Lookin’ good!  Whoo!”

H:  “Thanks.”

Ata:  “Whatcha been doin’?”

H:  “Oh, I’m just, uh, hangin’ around.”

Ata:  “How’s your mom?”

H:  “Atalanta?”

Ata:  “Yeah?  Hera been givin’ you a hard time?”

H:  “At-Atalanta.”

Ata:  “What?”

H:  “Could you, uh-- put me down, please?”

Ata:  Oh, sorry.”

H:  “Thank you.”

Ata:  “Yeah.”

H:  “You’re an aunt?”



Damon:  “What’d he try to do?!”

Ata:  “You don’t want any part of him, Damon.  This is

Damon:  “He-he told me the same lie.”

Ata:  “Oh, he wasn’t lyin’.  We’re old  friends.”

H:  “It’s hard to believe, isn’t it?”

Damon:  “Oh, I feel stu-- .”

Ata:  “Damon!”

H:  “He got hit hard enough to loosen his teeth-- but he’ll

Ata:  “It was the Eleans again, wasn’t it?”

H:  “Yeah.”

Ata:  “Foolish kid.  Better get him to bed.”

H:  “Here-- let me give ya a hand.”

Ata:  “Uh-uh-- that’s my department.  But stick around.  We need
to talk.”

H:  “Hmm-- I know better than to argue with you-- Aunt Atalanta.


H:  “What’s so funny?”

Ata:  “As soon as Damon hit the bed, he started talkin’ in his
sleep.  He kept saying, ‘I can’t believe it’s Hercules!’”

H:  “I’m glad he took _your_ word for it.  He sure wasn’t gonna
take mine.”

Ata:  “To tell ya the truth, he usually doesn’t put that much
stock in what I say.  See, he thinks his aunt leads a dull

H:  “Do you agree?”

Ata:  “Yeah-- I’m afraid so.  My life has been as boring as cold
porridge since I came here.”

H:  “That-- doesn’t sound like you.  Come to think of it, this--
doesn’t look like you, either.”

Ata:  “Afraid I haven’t been much in the mood to wear leather
since Damon’s mother died.  I thought he needed someone to take
care of him, so-- I moved here.”

H:  “His father die, too?”

Ata:  “Yeah.  My older brother-- another Spartan gone to the
other side.  Every time I visit his grave, I can’t help but
think Damon’s bound and determined to wind up right there next
to him.”

H:  “Not all warriors die.”

Ata:  “But Damon doesn’t care about anything except fighting.
It’s not just his father’s death he’s trying to avenge.  It’s
the death of every Spartan who ever fell on a battlefield.
Someone’s gotta stop this war.”

H:  “A lot of good men have tried.”

Ata:  “But always by fighting.  I’m talkin’ about something

H:  “I agree.  There has to be a better way.”

Ata:  “Maybe you’re the one who can find it.”


Tarkon [Tark]:  “I don’t care if it _was_ Hercules!  Which of
you ran first?  Nobody ran-- is that what your silence is
saying?  Then you’re a pack of spineless liars.  Tell me who it
was, or you’ll all pay for his cowardice.”

Elean Soldier:  “It was him!”

An Elean Soldier:  “Blow it out your ear!”

Elean Soldier:  “Easy to talk tough now!”

An Elean Soldier:  “You’re crazy!”

Elean Soldier:  “You saw him, didn’t you, Brontus?  He ran like
a rabbit as soon as he heard Hercules’ name.”

An Elean Soldier:  “It wasn’t me!  No, Tarkon-- it-- wasn’t me.
I-I swear it wasn’t.”

Elean Soldier:  “He’s a liar!”

An Elean Soldier:  “No!”

Tark:  “There, that’s how cowards are dealt with in the Elean
army.  As for those-- who betray their comrades’ secrets-- no
matter how terrible-- ”

Elean Soldier:  [Screams]

Tark:  “-- they die, too.  The rest of you should learn to keep
your own counsel-- the way Brontus did.  From this moment
forward-- everything you do-- everything-- must be about--
pleasing Ares.  The god of war was _angered_ by your-- failure
today.  There’s only one way to appease that anger-- by killing


Woman:  “Two dinars?!  For a handful of barley and a stinkin’

Man:  “The only thing that stinks around here is _you_, ya old

Woman:  “Oh, ‘hag’, am I?  Just because I won’t let you steal me

Man:  “Hag!”

Woman:  “Thief!  What do you want me to do?!  Eat my children?!”

H:  “Hey!  Break it up!  Break it up!”

A Man:  “Mind your own business!”

H:  “What’s wrong with you people?!  Is that all this village
does is fight?!  Why don’t you talk about it, instead of beating
each other senseless?”


Boy 1’s Voice:  “You’re not listening to me!”

Boy 2’s Voice:  “Yes I am!  And _I’m_ better than you!”

Boy 1’s Voice:  “You are not!”

Boy 2’s Voice:  “I am so!  I’ll prove it!”

Boy 2:  “I’ll race you to that big tree over there.  And then
you’ll see that I’m faster than you.  Come on!  I’ll even let
you say when.”

Boy 1:  “OK.  Ready.  Set.  Go!”

Boy’s Voice:  “We tied!”

H:  “That’s it.”


Woman’s Voice:  “Here you go.”

Ata:  “Races?  Like, you and me-- running to see who’s fastest?”

H:  “Right, but there could be more events than that.  You could
throw the javelin or the discus, and-- how about some kind
jumping contest?”

Ata:  “Nobody gets killed.”

H:  “No-- it’s speed and strength that determines the best
warriors, not swords.”

Ata:  “I think that sounds great, Hercules.  How’d you ever come
up with an idea like that?”

H:  “I saw two kids who were smart enough to realize that they
didn’t have to fight to decide who was faster.  They raced.”

Damon:  “Kids?”

H:  “Mm-hmm.”

Ata:  “Don’t knock ‘em, Damon.  You’re still one, yourself.”

Damon:  “That’s not what the Spartans say.”

Ata:  “Oh, right, you’re a Spartan-- but you’re a young one.”

Damon:  “I don’t hafta listen to this!”

H:  “Try.  It might save your life.”

Damon:  “I’m not afraid of dying.”

H:  “Not many warriors are until they’re actually doing it.  But
you can postpone the experience if you do what I’m talking

Ata:  “I think he’s afraid of being tested physically.  What do
you think?”

H:  “It’s a possibility.”

Damon:  “Hey, what do you want me to do?!  Just name it--
anything at all?”

H and Ata:  “Anything?”


Damon:  “I can’t arm-wrestle you.  You’re my aunt.”

Ata:  “Sit.”

Damon:  “Hercules, will you talk some sense into her?  She’s
gotta realize that no mere woman can beat a Spartan.”

H:  “Ah-- good luck.”

Ata:  “Sit down.”

Damon:  “This is crazy.”

H:  “You ready?”

Ata:  “Just one second.”

Damon:  “Aunt Atalanta?”

Ata:  “Put your eyes back in your head and listen to me.  If I
beat you, you’re gonna quit acting like you’ve got a death
wish-- and you’re gonna compete in these games Hercules thought
up.  Can you live with that?  Well, Damon, can you?”

H:  “Uh-- Damon?”

Damon:  “Huh?  Uh-- sss-- you want it?  You got it.”

H:  “All right.  You both ready?”

Damon:  “Say when.”

H:  “‘When.’”

Damon:  “Ah.  How’d you do that?”

Ata:  “Didn’t spend all those years as a blacksmith for nothin’.
Now, about Hercules’ idea.”

Damon:  “Ah-- sure-- just as long as I get to race you

H:  “Is there a place around here for that?”

Ata:  “Yeah.  Let me show ya.  Come on.  Oh, uh-- Damon?  Don’t
worry about it.  I even beat Hercules once.  Of course, I did
have to use more than my arm.”

H [Chuckles]:  “I, uh-- I’ll ex-- plain that to you later.”


Ata:  “I really don’t like this man we’re going to see.”

H:  “Maybe I should have come here by myself.”

Ata:  “No, it’s not that.  He’s just so strange.”

H:  “Strange?”

Ata:  “Well, let me put it this way.  He keeps tryin’ to look up
my skirt.”

H:  “What’s so-- strange about that?”

Ata [Laughing]:  “Hercules!”

H [Laughs]:  “It’s-- it’s a joke!  It’s a joke!”

Ata:  “Don’t you start with me!  Gosh!  Hey, Psoriasis, are you

H:  “Psoriasis?”

Salmoneus’ [Sal’s] Voice:  “Who is it?”

Ata:  “Wait until you see-- it’s Atalanta.”

Sal’s Voice:  “Oh, yes!  Coming, my dear-- coming.  Ah, oh--
what a mess!  Where’d that rock come from?!  Be right there!”

H:  “Salmoneus?”

Sal:  “Shh!  Shh!  Someone might be watching!  Come on!  Come



Sal:  “Come on.  Come on.  I can explain everything.  Trust me.”

H:  “Ah-- trust isn’t something you inspire, Salmoneus.”

Sal:  “Yeah-- be that as it may, an alias is sometimes necessary
in my line of work.”

H:  “He’s a-- travelling salesman.”

Ata:  “I knew I couldn’t trust him.”

Sal:  “I’m so misunderstood!  In matters of the heart, I am
loyal, dependable-- and very inventive.  And may I say, you’ve
never looked lovelier, my dear?”

Ata:  “Why don’t we just stick to business?”

Sal:  “Huh?”

H:  “Business?”

Sal:  “Oh.  [Clears throat]  Well-- I was on the Argean
Peninsula, conductng games of chance-- you know, the shell game?
And the locals couldn’t find the shell with the pea under it--
repeatedly.  They thought I was tryin’ to cheat them.”

H:  “Imagine that.”

Sal:  “They didn’t just run me out of town.  They’re still
looking for me, which is why I’m hiding here on my
brother-in-law’s estate.”

H:  “W-wait-- the same brother-in-law who ran that den of

Sal:  “You remembered him?  He’d be flattered.”

H:  “He shouldn’t be.”

Ata:  “Look, Psoriasis.”

Sal:  “Salmoneus.”

Ata:  “Whatever.  Why don’t you just show Hercules the place?”

Sal:  “What place?”

Ata:  “Open field.  He wants to put it to good use.”

Sal:  “Oh, that place!  My pleasure.  Did I mention that your
golden gorgeousness makes my teeth hurt?  Ahh!”

Ata:  “He never quits.”


H:  “This is perfect-- ‘mean, for running and-- jumping--
throwing the discus and the javelin.  Huh-- I can’t believe no
one’s ever found a use for such a beautiful place.”

Ata:  “The gods probably thought this would never be anything
except a battlefield.”

Sal:  “It’s very inspiring, huh?”

H:  “Yeah.”

Sal:  “Now, if there’s a way to make a dinar here, I’m all for

H:  “I’m-- sorry, Salmoneus.  This is a strictly nonprofit

Sal:  “Nonprofit?!”

H:  “Mmm.”

Sal:  “Nonpr--  uh, uh, excuse me.  No, no, no-- I-I think I
deserve to have a return-- for my labor invested?  Don’t you

Ata:  “Uh-uh, I’m not part of anybody’s bargain.”

Sal:  “Just a thought.”

H:  “What do you think we should call these games?”

Sal:  “Give me a moment.  ‘The Samoneus Games’!  No, no, we
can’t.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’ve got those sore losers back
there after me.  No.  No, no.  We should call it-- we should
call it-- the Olympics.  Huh?  It’s majestic. It’s-it’s
evocative.  It’s-- it’s _Olympian_-- unless this brings up your
family troubles.”

H:  “No.  I like it.  ‘The Olympics.’”

Ata:  “I can’t believe you were finally good for somethin’.”

Sal:  “Oh, I’m good for so many things.”

H:  “Ah-- now that we’ve got something to offer them, I better
go find out what the Spartans and Eleans think of it.
Salmoneus?  Don’t-- do anything that’ll make Atalanta hurt you--

Sal:  “Hmm-- I should be so lucky.  Ah!”


2nd-in-Command:  “It’s our way of life that Hercules is
threatening.  We’ll spill no more blood unless we do something

Tark:  “Soon, yeah, but not before we-- ”

Bron:  “Tarkon.  Our scouts tell us that Hercules is still in

Tark:  “They better know _why_ he’s staying, or they aren’t
doing us much good.”

Bron:  “There’s talk of a woman.”

2nd-in-Command:  “Then he’s distracted.  We should appeal to
Ares for a weapon that’ll finish Hercules once and for all.”

Tark:  “No.  I don’t want the god of war thinking we can’t take
care of business by ourselves.”

Bron:  “I’m not afraid of Hercules.  Even when those with me
were running away, I stayed to strike one last blow against the

Tark:  “You were the last man back here.  I’ll grant you that.”

Bron:  “And I’ll be the first to attack ‘em.”

Tark:  “The first-- of many.  Brontus-- find out wht Hercules is
up to.  Come.”  

H:  “Hello, Taphius.”

Taphius [Taph]:  “Been a long time, Hercules.”

H:  “The battle of Dardania, if memory serves me.”

Taph:  “And I have the scars to prove it.”

Damon:  “See, Hercules?  That’s how I want to live-- the hot
blood of combat surging through my veins.”

H:  “Sometimes, a man’s only choice is to fight.  That doesn’t
mean he should make a living out of it.”

Taph:  “He’s right, Damon.”

Damon:  “What about all the times you said that you wish you
were a young warrior, again?”

Taph:  “It was my _youth_ I wanted back!  Not the battles I
spent it on.”

Damon:  “I could _never_ believe that.”

Taph:  “Well, you should.  Now, what’s this proposition he’s
talkin’ about?”

H:  “The Olympics.”

Taph:  “Olympics?”

H:  “Games-- simple sporting events, uh-- a running race;
contests for jumping-- and throwing the discus and the javelin;
and to make sure that young Damon doesn’t get bored-- a boxing

Taph:  “A warrior would always be ready to fight if he trained
to do those things.”

H:  “Uh, yes, and it might help slow down the fighting-- even
stop it.”

Taph:  “I hope I live to see the day.”

Damon:  “Have you been to see Tarkon, yet?”

H:  “He’s next on my list.”

Damon:  “Let me go with you, Hercules.  I can help you convince

H:  “I don’t think so, Damon.  I want Tarkon to come to the
Olympics in one piece.”


Sal:  “You should slow down, my heart’s delight!  I have so much
to contribute!”

Ata:  “Yeah, it’s certainly not muscle.”

Sal:  “Ha-ha!  Ya got me there.  But I have a beautiful mind--
and a fertile one, too!”

Ata:  “OK-- thrill me.”

Sal:  “Huh?!  Here?”

Ata:  “You’re time’s almost up, Phlebitis.”

Sal:  “Salmoneus.  Give me a moment.  Give me a moment.  Ooh,
ooh, ooh!  I know what the Olympics need!  Prizes!  Ya gotta
give the winners a reward-- something to hold on to-- something
to put on their mantelpiece-- something to pass to their
golden-haired children.  They need-- it’s too bad I don’t have
that treasure trove.  That would’ve been perfect-- I mean,
top-of-the-line stuff.”

Ata:  “Trinkets don’t impress me.”

Sal:  “They don’t?”

Ata:  “Uh-uh.  If you ask me-- I think a wreath of olive
branches is all we need for each winner.  Huh.”

Sal:  “I could do olive wreaths!”

Ata:  “Prove it.”


Tark:  “The best place to strike would be here-- where the
tree-line provides natural-- ”

Bron:  “Tarkon!”

Tark:  “I said, ‘No interruptions!’”

Bron:  “But he’s here!”

Tark:  “Who’s here?”

Bron:  “Hercules!”

Tark:  “In our camp?!  And no one alerted us?!  What were our
guards doing?!”

Bron:  “Well-- that’s the problem!”


Soldier:  “How d’ya get out of this thing?!”

H:  “I, uh-- tried to tell ‘em I was just here to talk, but they
didn’t wanna believe me.”

Tark:  “They have no reason to trust you, Hercules.  You fought
for the Spartans more than once.”

H:  “Do you see any Spartans with me now?”

Tark:  “Maybe you think you don’t need any.”

H:  “I’ve come to ask you and your men-- to compete in the
Olympic Games.”

Tark:  “Games?”

H:  “Yes.”

Tark:  “The son of Zeus-- wants us to play games?!”

H:  “Glad I could cheer you up.”

Tark:  “You want games, Hercules?  One hundred dinars-- to the
man who brings me his head!”


Soldiers’ Voices:  “Let’s get him!”  “The reward is mine!”  “My

H:  “That-- was-- cheap.”

Tark:  “What’s wrong with you?!  I said, ‘Kill him!’”

H:  “Your turn, Tarkon.”

Tark:  “What are you gonna do?”

H:  “What I came here to do-- invite you to the Olympics.  We’ll
see you tomorrow in Propontus.  High noon.  Unless, of course,
you’re afraid of a little athletic competition.”

Tark:  “This’ll be your final game, Hercules.”



Sal:  “How does it look?”

Ata:  “Hmm-- not as good as it’s gonna look on a champion.  And
you better have more than one of them.”

Sal:  “Have no fear, radiant Atalanta.  My motto is, ‘Ta [sic]
every victor, an olive wreath.’”

Ata [Laughs]:  “Good work, Salmoneus.  I better start keeping
you closer to me.”

Sal:  “You mean it?”

Ata:  “Yeah, absolutely.  Look, my nephew and his friends are
going on a little outing with me?  Why don’tcha  come along?”

Sal:  “Lead the way, golden muse.  Lead the way.”


Man’s Voice:  “Good, good.”

Ata:  “All right, hang on.  Come on.  We’re gettin’ there.”

Sal:  “Wait a second.  Wait a second.  Wait, wait a s- wait a
second!  [Continues in background]  Hey.  Stay there!  Don’t
move!  Wait a second!  Wait!  Hold!”

H:  “Salmoneus working?  Must be love.”

Sal:  “Wait a sec-- !  Wait!  Wait a sec-- !  See, I don’t think
these poles are gonna work.  I have a better idea.  Wh--
heyyyyy!  Heyyyyy!  It’s no problem!  I’ll be right out!  Let me
just find the exit for a moment.  Wait a second.  Wait a second.
Wait, it’s around here, somewhere.  Wait a second.”

Ata:  “Come on, Gingivitis.”

Sal:  “Ah.  Uh.  I really didn’t need any help.  But thank you,
my beautiful, golden-- Hercules?”

H [Chuckles]:  “Is everything all right, Salmoneus?”

Sal:  “What makes you think it’s not?”

Ata:  “How’d it go with the Eleans?”

H:  “Well, it-- wasn’t easy, but, they’ll be here.”

Damon:  “Yeah, they’ll be getting a different kind of beating
than they’ve been used to.”

H:  “Damon, you-- better go tell Taphius we’re gonna have some

Ata:  “Hey, we’re not finished here, yet.”

H:  “No, no.  Don’t worry.  Don’t worry.  I’ll help.  It’s all
right.  Go on.  So-- where would you like me to start?”

Ata:  “Is that a trick question?”

Sal:  “Ohhhh.”

H:  “Whoo.”

Sal:  “Hey!  Hey!  This is how you’re helping?!” 


Tark [Screaming heard in background]:  “I come to you, not in
shame, oh mighty Ares-- for we have served you well.  The blood
we have spilled-- has nourished your crusade to bring war to
every corner of the Earth!  And never have we asked for help or
adulation!  But the time at hand-- calls for special measures.
Hercuels is close by.  Hercules, who stands between you and
domination.  Hercules, who can be defeated-- only if you
intervene-- with the power that you, and you alone, can provide!
Ares-- I beseech you-- help us kill Hercules!  Help preserve a
way of life that is devoted to war!  Yes!”

2nd-in-Command:  “Is Ares still with us?”

Tark:  “Yes, indeed.  So, drink.  Those of you who have marched
with me the longest-- come-- drink!  And you will be strong

Warriors:  [Scream]

Tark:  “Behold, the power of Ares.”

Bron:  “I’ve never seen anything like them.”

Tark:  “Tomorrow morning-- they’ll be killing-- while you’re
playing.  The birth of the Olympics-- will be the death of


Sal [Whistling]:  “Help!  Whoa!  Herc!”

1st Man:  “Remember us?!”

2nd Man:  “Let him talk.  But if you do it too loudly-- I’ll gut
you like a fish.”

Sal:  “How you doin, fellas?  Everything all right on the Argean

2nd Man:  “Everything except our finances!”

Sal:  “Oh, that.”

Ata:  “Hey!  Get your filthy paws off him.”

2nd Man:  “But he cheated us out of our money!”

Ata:  “Did you?”

Sal:  “Ah!  The odds are always with the house.”

Ata:  “Salmoneus.”

Sal:  “I didn’t cheat them, exactly.  I mean, it’s called, ‘The
shell game’, you know?”

Ata:  “Give it back to them.”

Sal:  “Ha?”

Ata:  “Now!”

Sal:  “Ah.  Only because you’re beautiful when you’re angry.”

Ata:  “Everything there?”

2nd Man:  “Yeah.”

Ata:  “Good.  Now, go back where you came from.  I’ve got no use
for anyone who pulls a knife on people.  Scat!”

Sal:  “You saved my life!”

Ata:  “Yeah, you’re gonna make me regret it, aren’t you?”

Sal:  “Please, let me repay you with a kiss.  Hmm?”

Ata:  “Ha.”

Sal:  “Whoaaaaa!”

Ata:  “Guess again.”

Sal:  “I love that woman!  Hmmmmmmm!”


Ata:  “You don’t have to sleep here.”

H:  “Huh.  Hi, how are you?”

Ata:  “Did you hear what I said?”

H:  “Oh, yes, but-- this is as good a place as any for me to
spend the night.”

Ata:  “Better than with me?”

H:  “Uh-oh.”

Ata:  “Give it a chance, Hercules.  You might enjoy yourself.”

H:  “What?  Yeah, yeah.  But-- you know?  I-- ”

Ata:  “Come on.  What do you say?”

H:  “It’s-- you know, I just, um-- you know-- you know, it’s
just-- doesn’t seem right.  Wait a second.”

Ata:  “Oooh, Hercules.”

H:  “I’m, uh-- I’m hoping for the best with these games, but--
you never know un-- til you know.  You know?”

Ata:  “Afraid I do.  But my offer still stands.”

H [Chuckles]:  “I, I-I-I hope I didn’t insult you.”

Ata:  “How could you?  You’re so _cute_ when you’re nervous.”

H [Chuckles]:  “Good night.”

Ata:  “Good night, Hercules.”

H:  “What is-- wrong with you?  Ah.”


Sal:  “Why can’t just one beautiful woman want me?  Hercules
needs a more spiritual-type woman.  I can use a lot a’ raw
physicality to get me outta my head.  I’d massage her with
scented oils.  I’d pay attention to her beautiful sh-- ah!  Hey!
Hey!  What do you-- thi-- ?!  Eee!  Ah-- you here for the
javelin spotting?  I see.  It’s been very nice-- it-it-- short
but nasty.”

2nd-in-Command:  “Oh, this is gonna be good.”



H:  “Salmoneus.”

Sal:  “Ahhhh!”

H:  “We need to find a-- symbol for these games.”

Sal:  “I agree.”

Falafel [Fal]:  “Hey!  Red hots!  Get your red hots-- right

H:  “Not-- you again. Do you have a home?”

Fal:  “Do your taste buds a favor, buddy.  Sink your teeth--
into a red hot.”

Sal:  “Eh-- it kinda looks like-- ”

H:  “Never mind what it looks like.  What is it?”

Fal:  “A hot dog.”

H and Sal:  “Dog?”

Fal:  “Uh, not necessarily.  Eh-- come on.  Try one.  You might
like it.  Little mustard.  Some relish?”

H:  “Noooo, thanks.”

Fal:  “Got your curiosity up, didn’t I?  Perhaps you’d like your
dog with a-- a little sauerkraut, hmm?”

Sal:  “Eh-- Not necessarily.  Actually-- I’m more interested in
your torch, there.”

Fal:  “That’s not a torch.”

Sal:  “Use your imagination.  Thank you.”  [Shudders]


H:  “Ladies and gentlemen!   Could I have your attention,
please?!  Welcome to the first Olympics.  I hope you discover
the spirit of the games-- that there are other ways for men to
compete-- than on the battlefields.  [Applause]  I salute the
Spartans-- for being brave enough to set aside their weapons--
and participate in these events.  And equally to the Eleans--
who had the courage to honor us, by doing the same.  [Applause]
We’re about to find out who is the best among them in five
different athletic events.  So-- good luck to everybody.  And
now-- ”

Sal:  “Wait a minute!  Hold it!  Hold it!  We can’t start--
without the Olympic torch.”

Audience:  “Yeah.”  “What?”  “What?”

H:  “Ah-- what do you mean, it-- Olympic torch?”

Sal:  “Wait till you see it.  [Whistles]  Now-- as you were
saying, Hercules?”

H:  “The Olympic torch.  Good idea, Salmoneus.  [High five]  Let
the games begin!”  [Applause]


Spotter:  “22, 21, 20, 19, 18-- A hundred seventeen and 6!”

Bron:  “Beat that.”

Damon:  “No problem.”

Spotter:  “Dead even!”

Sal’s Voice:  “Ho!  It’s a tie!  It’s a tie!”

Sal:  “Unless Hercules wants to step in, and-- ?”

H:  “No, that’s-- not why I’m here.”

Ata:  “Then I guess it’s up to me.”

Bron:  “No woman’s got any business in the Olympics.”

H:  “The Olympics are open to anybody.  You ready, Atalanta?”

Ata:  “I was born ready.”

Sal:  [Whistles]

Spotter:  “127 and one-quarter!”

Man’s Voice:  “Incredible!”

Ata:  “Good enough for you?”

H:  “Ah-- yes.  Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first Olympic
champion.  The winner-- in the javelin throw-- Atalanta!”

Sal:  “What  a woman.”

Ata:  “And I owe it all to clean living!”  [Applause]

H:  “All right!  On to our next event-- the footrace!”

Sal:  “It’s in the dell!”

H:  “You-- going to try your luck?”

Ata:  “Do you need to ask?”

H:  “Probably not.”

Bron:  “I-I don’t believe it.  Who is she?”

Damon:  “She’s my aunt.”

Bron:  “Really?  [Sighs]  If all your women are that strong,
it’s no wonder we had such a hard time fighting you Spartans.”

Tark:  “Don’t go soft on me, Brontus.”

Bron:  “I’m not.  I’m not.  It’s just-- ”

Tark:  “Just what?”

Bron:  “Everybody seems to be getting on fine.  Maybe we should
try and work it out.”

Tark [Interrupting]:  “Shut up.  Everything’s gonna go exactly
as I planned it.  Or else, it’s not just my wrath you’ll feel.
It’s Ares!”

Ata:  “Hey, Hercules.”

H:  “Hmm?”

Ata:  “I didn’t get a chance to thank you back there.”

H:  “For what?”

Ata:  “For not caving in when that Elean warrior wanted to make
this ‘Boys only’.”

H:  “Ahh-- it wouldn’t have been right if we had done the
Olympics that way.  I was just-- trying to be fair.”

Ata:  “Well, not every man would have-- and I appreciate that.
Thank you.”

H:  “You’re welcome.”


H:  “The first runner, to reach Salmoneus, is, the winner!”

Sal:  “Yah!  Right here!”

H:  “Try not to let that scare you.”

Damon:  “Only thing I’m scared of is beating this guy so bad
that he quits.”

Bron:  “In your dreams.”

Ata:  “Hey, you’re both gonna eat my dust.”

H:  “Hey, it sounds to me like everybody’s ready.  Runners?
Take your places at the starting line.”

Ata:  “Are you sure you don’t want to join us, Hercules?”

H:  “Aah-- that’s all right, thank you.”

Man’s Voice:  “Good luck!”

H:  “OK!  On your marks!  Get set!  Go!”

H:  “What the-- ?”

Tark:  “A little surpirise for you, Hercules.”

Sal:  “Huh?”

Man’s Voice:  “Watch out!”

Sal:  “Hercules!”

H:  “Mesomorphs.”

Tark:  “Ares sent them especially for you.  Eleans, attack!”


Taph:  “We’ll take care of things on this end, Hercules!”

Soldiers’ Voices:  “You traitor!”  “You sissy!”  “I’ll get you!”
“Try me!”  “Coward!”

Ata:  “You really are fast, aren’t you?”

H:  “Only as fast as I have to be.  Ahhhhhh!”

Sal:  “Don’t get nasty with my friends!  You’re a walking

Damon:  “So, you got what you wanted!  Didn’t you?!”

Bron:  “Tarkon did.  I didn’t.  All I wanted was to do is
apologize for hitting you when your head was turned.  Duck!  Do
you believe me now?”

Damon:  “Yes, I do-- friend.”

Sal:  “Be careful!  He’s got something the [?]  got out!  [?]
Hercules!  Hercules!  What can I do for ya, please?!”

H:  “Get the torch!”

Sal:  “What?!”

H:  “Get the torch!”

Sal:  “What?”

H:  “Get-- the-- torch!”

Sal:  “The torch!  Right!”

[More fighting]

Sal:  “Hercules!  The torch!  Ahhh!”

Ata:  “Come on!  Get up!  Up!”

Sal:  “Uh-uh-uh.”

Ata:  “Let’s go!  Come on!”

Sal:  “Hercules?!  Where you going?!”

Ata:  “Hey, the fight’s back here!”

H:  “But the way to win it is over here!  Hyaaa!”

Sal:  [Laughs]


H:  “Now-- where were we, before we were so rudely interrupted?”

Ata:  “We had a race to finish.”

Bron:  “And three events after that.”

Sal:  “And none of this could have continued-- without Hercules.
Yes.  Yes.  What you did today-- it was-- it wa-- it was

H:  “Why don’t we call it-- ‘Olympian’ instead?”

Sal:  [Chuckles]

Ata:  “Either way, it gets you a kiss, big guy.”

H:  “Hmm?”

Damon:  “You see how Spartan women are?  You’re gonna like it
around here.”

Ata:  “Aw-- you weren’t so bad, either.  Now-- which way was
that starting line?”

Sal:  “Huh?”

H:  “_That_-- is what I call-- ‘Olympian’.”


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