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“King for a Day”  Episode 32/219


I:  “Herc-- ya hear that?”

H:  “Yeah, he’s been on our trail for a while.  I think it’s time he found us.”

Man:  “Ahh!  Ahh!  Ah-h-h-h-h-h!  Uh!  Oh!  [Sighs]  Please, Hercules, I need your help.”

H:  “What’s the problem?”

Man:  “It’s my daughter!”

H:  “What happened to her?”

Man:  “She saw you defeat a giant, last year, and she’s-- been obsessed about you ever since.  She’s convinced that her destiny is to be yours and yours alone!”

I:  “So, what else is new?”

Man:  “Hercules, she won’t eat!  She won’t sleep!  She won’t listen to her mother or I!”

H:  “All right, all right, all right.  Listen, listen.  We’ll, uh-- go see if we can talk some sense into her.”

I:  “Right.”

Man:  “Oh, wait a minute.  Who are you?”

I:  “I’m Iolaus.  You know-- Hercules’ best friend-- companion-- comrade-in-arms-- renowned in song and st-I don’t know why I bother.  Have you _really_ never heard of me?”

Man:  “No-- this is a delicate family matter!  And my daughter’s a f-a flower-- a gem-- a goddess.  You’d only scare her.”

I:  “She got a sister?”

Man:  “Please, Hercules-- we must hurry!  My village is three days’ travel!”

H:  “All right, uh-- Iolaus, I’ll-- meet you back here in a week.”

I [Interrupts]:  “No, no-- no, Hercules, wait.  We-- we were gonna go boar hunting.”

H:  “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s-- we’re close to Attica?!  Don’t you have relatives there?”

I:  “Yeah-- very distant relatives.”

H:  “Aah, you’ll have a good time.”

I:  “Ha-- you haven’t spent time with my relatives.”

H [Sighs]:  “One week-- back here.”

I:  “OK.  OK.”

H [Interrupts]:  “Fine.  Let’s go.  Come on.  How did you find me, anyway?”

Man:  “Villagers... come by every day.”

I [Interrupts]:  “Don’t worry about me!  I really enjoy crawling through the forest on my own.  You know?  Every time you take a vacation-- you don’t take a vacation!  I can’t believe that guy never heard of me.”


I:  “Ah-- hey!  Hey!  Whoa!  Wh-wh-wh-whoa!  Hi.  Uh, I’m looking for your town hall.”

Peddler:  “Huh?”

I:  “Is there a problem?”

Peddler:  “You-you-you don’t know the _way_?”

I:  “No-- this is why I’m asking.  I’m looking for some relatives who live around here?  Thanks.  I’m going hunting.”


Hector [Hec]:  “Excellent shot, your Highness.”

Linus [Lin]:  “You nearly scared him to death.  Excellent strategy, your Highness.”

I:  “What kind of men are you?!  Show yourselves!”

Orestes [Ore]’s Voice:  “Who is that shouting?”

I:  “Oh.  What?  So I look like a deer?  You could ’a killed me!”

Hec:  “Sorry, friend.  His High-- ”

I:  “You know-- !  I don’t be-_lieve_ it.”

Ore:  “Hector.  Who is this uncommonly handsome stranger?”

Ore and I:  “Huh.”



Man’s Voice:  “Orestes sure can throw a party!”

Ore:  “The resemblance really is un-- canny.”

I:  “I think it was my great-grandmother, Althea.  She always said she liked Attica.  Now I know why.  Huh.”

Ore:  “And undoubtedly-- my great-grandfather, King Agoraphobius-- never could keep it in his codpiece.”  [Laughs]

I:  “Makes us cousins.”

Ore:  “Hail, cousin!  You know, Iolaus?  It’s good to be king.”

Hec:  “You’re not king yet, your Highness.”

Ore:  “I know, but I soon will be.  And when I am-- I’m gonna rule just like my father did.  Then I can enjoy the bounteous supply of female companionship.”

Hec:  “May I remind your Highness about tomorrow?”

Ore:  “Are you tryin’ to spoil my bachelor party?!”

Hec:  “It is my responsibility to make sure the coronation is perfect, Sire.”

Ore:  “Don’t worry, Hector.  I won’t disappoint you or Niobe-- little twit.  I wonder if she still has those knobbly knees.  Hey, hey, hey-- d-do you have knobbly knees?  Huh?  Hmm?  How about you?”

Hec:  “Niobe is _not_ a little twit, your Highness.  She is a princess-- and your betrothed.”

I:  “You know?  If she’s gonna be your wife-- don’t you think you should-- pay her a little respect?  It will make things a lot easier.”

Ore:  “Yeah-- you’re right.  Yeah.  I mean, it’s been a long time since I seen her.  It’s been ten years.  Maybe she’s changed.  Maybe she’s a big twit.”  [Laughs]

Hec:  “Please, your Highness, I beg you to prepare yourself for the coronation.  Your brother, Prince Minos, and General Archias will do anything to foil us.”

Ore:  “You worry too much-- old man.”

Hec:  “I’m going to bed.  And I think you should do the same, your Highness.  Girls!  Leave him!”

Ore:  “Hey!  Hey, hey, hey!  Are you denying my cousin-- the spoils of royalty?”

Hec:  “The evening’s over!  Good night.”

Man’s Voice:  “The party’s over so soon?  Where’s the wild night we were promised?”

Woman’s Voice:  “What happened?”

I:  “It’s all right.  I-- I’ve had enough wine.”

Ore:  “Well-- I’m gonna need some more courage if I’m gonna face Niobe!”

I:  “Uh-- well, I-- guess I’ll-- hit the hay, too-- your Highness.”

Ore:  “Uh-- call me Orestes-- you’re-- family.”

I:  “Then-- I’m-- glad I made the trip-- Orestes.”

Ore:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Uh-- ”


Archias [Arc]:  “-- form, you pathetic.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- ”

Pylon [Py]:  “General Archias!”

Arc:  “At ease, Pylon.  What news do you bring?”

Py:  “Prince Orestes will not be attending the coronation.  His wine was drugged.  Today’s tax collections.”

Arc:  “Excellent.”

Minos [Min]:  “I hope tomorrow never comes.”

Arc:  “Prince Minos.  Oh, cease.  When Orestes, your brother, takes the throne tomorrow-- and marries Princess Niobe-- your power in Attica-- is finished.”

Min:  “It’s not my fault my brother was born before me.”

Arc:  “No, no, not your fault, Sire, but, uh-- easily remedied-- especially when one considers how unfair it would be for Orestes to overshadow a man as shrewd and as-- powerful as yourself.”

Min:  “Well-- ”

Arc:  “May I?  If you were king-- think of the legacy that you would leave Attica-- a stronger military-- bigger prisons for our-- political enemies.”

Min:  “I would need your-- wise counsel at every turn.”

Arc:  “Oh, if your Highness would permit.”

Min:  “Go on.”

Arc:  “With our increased might-- we could control the outer provinces-- and enlarge the kingdom.  You would be remembered as the greatest leader in the history of Attica.  And your marriage to Niobe-- ”

Min:  “Uh, she’s so beautiful.”

Arc:  “-- would further-- consolidate your power.”

Min:  “Niobe hates me.”

Arc:  “She must _marry_ whomever is _king_ for the _good_ of _Attica_.  Yah!”

Min:  “She could learn to love me.”

Arc:  “Well, I hope you don’t mind-- but I have gone and taken care-- of everything.  Tomorrow-- you will be crowned king of Attica-- and Orestes will skulk away, the pathetic little creature-- that he is.  Take him away-- and bring me a more worthy opponent!”

Py:  “Yes, sir.”

Min:  “I knew I could trust you, Archias.  Oh, wait until my brother sees me wearing the crown he though ws his.”


I:  “Some kind of-- sleeping potion.”

Hec:  “It won’t kill him, will it?”

I:  “No-- but it’ll put him out of action for a while.  Who’d wanna do something like this?”

Hec:  “Aah-- Minos is too weak to try it on his own-- but he’s jealous enough to encourage Archias.”

Lin:  “Orestes’ll never make it to the coronation.”

I:  “Postpone it.”

Lin:  “We can’t.”

Hec:  “If Orestes doesn’t appear at the appointed time, Minos will be crowned in his place-- and he’ll be king until he dies.  Unless-- ”

I:  “Oh, no, no, no, no, no.”

Hec:  “You look just _like_ Orestes.  You could be crowned in his place and nobody would know the difference!”

I:  “Forget it!”

Lin:  “But you must!”

I:  “What?  Are you crazy?!”

Hec:  “No-- we’re trying to save our lives.  If you _don’t_ pretend to be Orestes, Archias will have us all executed by sundown.  Your cousin will be dead.  Atticer [sic] fall to despots.”

I:  “I couldn’t fool anybody.”

Hec:  “Well, granted, you’re not exactly royal material, but, uh-- if we teach you-- ”

I:  “He’s much older than I am!  The wine and the women-- they’ve aged him.”

Hec:  “Listen-- I’ve taken care of Orestes since his birth, and before that, I was proud to help guide his father’s sovereign hand!  I’m asking you to help him.  He needs you.  His _kingdom_ needs you.”

I:  “I’ve guess I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be-- king for a day.”

Hec:  “Here-- put this on.  We’ll have to hide him.”

I:  “Yeah, come on.  I’ll help.”

Hec:  “No, no, no-- he’s our responsibility.  And you’re going to be king.  You should begin acting like one.”

Lin:  “Sorry, your Highness.”


Hec:  “Now, you’re _ab_-solutely you got the words all perfect.”

I:  “Stop fussing!  Hector-- I know the lines.  Come on.”

Lin:  “When the sun hits the medallion on this wall, a shaft of light will illuminate the entire temple.”

I’s Voice:  “Yeah.”

Lin:  “That’s when you present yourself at the doorway-- walk on down the aisle-- to the priest.”

I:  “Down the aisle-- come on.”

Hec:  “If you’re not right on time, Minos will leave the congregation, and present himself in your place.”

I:  “Then I guess we better not be late, huh?!”

Hec:  “One more thing.  If you make a mistake in the testing, Zeus has decreed that you be beheaded-- immediately.”

I:  “Now you tell me.”


Woman’s Voice:  “Sh-sh-- coronation’s starting.”

Min:  “I can’t belive it.  I’m gonna be king-- and Niobe will be mine.  Where is she?”

Arc:  “Patience, your Highness.  Niobe’s not going anywhere.  Just, uh-- try to look surprised when the priest calls your name.”

Priest:  “Who dares to be king of Attica?  Let him present himself to the gods.”

Min [Whispers]:  “I’ve been waiting for this all my life.”

I/Ore’s Voice:  “I do!  Ahh!  Ooh!”

People:  “Ooh!”



I [Aside]:  “Why didn’t they kill me?”

Hec [Aside]:  “Tripping on your robe-- doesn’t count.  Tripping on your tongue-- does.”

I [Aside]:  “Oh.”

Min [Whispers]:  “Archias-- you promised me.”

Arc:  “Something’s gone wrong, your Majesty.  Stay right here.”

Priest:  “Why do you think you are worthy?”

I/Ore:  “Because-- of the hereditary succession-- from my father-- King Oeneus-- and his father-- King Xenophobius-- and his father-- King-- Agoraphobius-- and his father-- King-- Arachnophobius-- and on back through the ages-- to the time of the Titans!”

Priest:  “Speak the oath of allegiance-- or die-- in Zeus’s name.”

I/Ore [clears throat]:  “Oh-- mighty Zeus-- bestow your blessing on your-- unworthy servant-- and-- grant that I may rule Attica-- with the wisdom of-- Olympus!”

Priest:  “With this crown, your grace and wisdom shall enrich this kingdom-- for so long as you shall live.  All hail!  To King Orestes!”

People:  “Hail!  To King Orestes!”

I/Ore:  “Cool!”

I [Aside]:  “Hey-- who’s that, Hector?”

Hec:  “You mean, Orestes didn’t tell you?”

I [Aside]:  “No?”

Hec:  “Whoever is crowned must marry Princess Niobe-- immediately.”

I [Aside]:  “W-wait a second!  Are you crazy?!  I don’t even _know_ her!  How can I _marry_ her?!  I gotta date her or something!”

Hec:  “Get in there.”

Priest:  “Do you-- King Orestes-- take-- Niobe to be your sovereign queen and wife?!  Till death do you part?”

I/Ore:  “Uh-- I do.”

Priest:  “Do you-- Queen Niobe-- take Orestes to be your sovereign king and husband-- till death do you part?”

Niobe [Nio]:  “I do?”

Priest:  “You may kiss your queen.”

People:  “Long live King Orestes and Queen Niobe!”


People:  [Cheer]

Man’s Voice:  “All hail!  King Orestes!  And Queen Niobe!”

I/Ore:  “You look beautiful.”

Nio:  “Oh, please-- ”

I/Ore:  “No, no, really.  You’re beautiful.”

Nio:  “Look-- I’ve done my duty to my family and the kingdom.  But I’d rather eat dirt than consummate this marriage after the hideous way you treated me all these years?”

I/Ore:  “Yeah, but-- ”

Nio:  “I’m just glad you showed up-- or I’d be married to that cretin, Minos.”

I/Ore:  “Look-- I’m sorry you feel-- ”

Nio:  “At least you’re not as unattractive as I remember.”

I/Ore:  “Unattractive?!  Look-- I know I’ve taken a few _punches_ in my time-- ”

Man’s Voice:  “Come on!  Let’s see you kiss her!”

I/Ore:  “Huh.”

Nio:  “Once-- was enough.”

A Man’s Voice:  “Kiss her!”

I/Ore:  “You know?  We all have our roles to perform.  Huh.”

[Nio knees I.]

I/Ore [Hi-pitched]:  “Thanks, darling.”  [Laughs]


I:  “You didn’t tell me I was gonna marry someone who hates my guts.”

Hec:  “Uh-- it’s King Orestes who is married to her, huh?”

I:  “Yeah?  Good luck to him.”

Hec:  “No!”

I:  “What’s the matter?”

Hec:  “Archias has Orestes.”

I:  “How can you be so sure?  Maybe he woke up and went back to the palace.”

Hec:  “That’s Archias’ dagger.”

I:  “Really?”

Hec:  “You have to help us.”

I:  “H-hey, wait a minute.  Maybe I can fake it for a day, but I’m no king.”

Hec:  “I know!  But this is no time to be picky!”

I:  “So you keep telling me.  Now, why can’t we just rescue Orestes?”

Hec:  “The only place they’ll hide him is Draxus, and it’s too heavily fortified!  Orestes’d before we could reach him!”

I:  “What do you expect me to do?!”

Hec:  “Just what you’re doing.  As long as you’re on the throne-- Minos and Archias can’t take the crown-- or marry Niobe.”

I:  “Huh?!  Niobe.  Booy, how can I disappoint a woman who’s so crazy about me?”


Min:  “I didn’t want you to kidnap Orestes-- just detain him long enough for me to become king.”

Arc:  “Your Highness-- there really wasn’t any other way.  There is an imposter, masquerading as your brother, and-- we must flush him.”

Min:  “My brother is rotting in the dungeon right now.”

Arc:  “Yes, but he’s safer there than in anywhere else in the kingdom, the incompetent boob.  Besides, if we let him rule, he will plunge Attica in-- to anarchy.”

Min:  “But, how can I stop him?”

Arc:  “Why don’t we arrange for the imposter’s unfortunate demise?  Bury him as King Orestes with all the ceremony of state.  You will be made king-- and I will take care of Orestes.”

Min:  “No.  I don’t want you hurting him.  He’s my responsibility.”

Arc:  “As you wish, your Highness.  Ha!  [Laughs]  Pylon-- take this to the imposter.”


I/Ore:  “Huh-- looks like you’ve used that thing before.”

Nio:  “Someone has to protect Attica from those who want it destroyed?”

I/Ore:  “Who wants to destroy it?”

Nio:  “Your darling brother-- for one.”

I/Ore:  “Niobe-- did I say something to make you angry?”

Nio:  “How about the way you bad-mouthed me?”

I/Ore:  “Oh-- I couldn’t-- ”

Nio:  “And your drinking?”

I/Ore:  “I don’t drink _that_ much.”

Nio:  “And the women?  If I didn’t have to marry you to save Attica from rebellion-- I wouldn’t be here.”

I/Ore:  “May I?”

Nio:  “You can’t hit the side of a palace.  How did you do that?  There are songs about how badly you shoot.”

I/Ore:  “Sometimes those songs and stories you hear are greatly exaggerated.  Often, they’re completely wrong.  I just-- want you to get the know the real me.  Niobe, I’m not really-- ”

Hec:  “Sire!  I’m sorry to interrupt.”

I/Ore:  “What is it?”

Hec:  “We have a problem.”


Hec:  “Minos’ letter is obviously a trap.”

I:  “Yeah.  We should take the bait anyway.”

Lin:  “What?!  And risk failure?!”

I:  “I can’t just sit here.  Orestes may be dead.  And as much fun as you two are, I’d like to go home sometime, so-- let’s go get him.”

Lin:  “Yeah, but-- if you die, then they win.”

I:  “I won’t die!  At least I hope I won’t.  Hercules wouldn’t.”


Min:  “Amazing-- you look just like him.”

I:  “He’s a handsome devil.”

Min:  “If you find drunk playboys attractive.”

I:  “Hmm.  Well, at least you kept your promise to come alone.”


I:  “I should ’a known it was too good to be true.”

Min:  “I have no reason to keep a promise to an imposter.”

I:  “If that’s how you do business, fine.  Just tell me one thing-- is Orestes still alive?”

Min:  “Yes.”

I:  “You wanna tell me why?”

Min:  “Because I won’t kill my brother-- but I will kill you.”




I:  “Some king you’d make!  Won’t even fight your own battles!”

Min:  “That’s why I have guards.  So long, imposter.”

I:  “Dinner?”


Arc:  “You get what I wanted?”

Py:  “Yes, sir.  Why can’t I kill the little prince myself?!”

Arc:  “Now, now, let’s not get too hasty.  We must keep Minos’ feeble dreams of familial harmony alive.  And besides-- an unhappy puppet-- is an uncooperative puppet.  If Orestes were to die from a-- long-- regrettable illness, however-- ”  [Laughs]


I:  “You know, I shouldn’t be bothering with all this royal nonsense.  I should be out rescuing Orestes!”

Hec:  “Look, we have to wait for the right moment.  Besides, each morning after the crescent moon, the king must offer legal judgments.  You must behave exactly as Orestes would; otherwise, the charade is over-- and we’re all dead.”

I:  “Oh, great.  Thanks, Hector.”


Men’s Voices:  “-- sides for the lantern!”  “You really think he’ll waive your taxes?!”  “The tax levy is too high!  We’re starving under it!”

Bailiff [Bai]:  “People of Attica!  King Orestes and Queen Niobe will hear your complaints and pleas!  Will the first litigant step forward?!”

Hec:  “Now, remember, your Majesty, your father could only hear a couple of cases at one sitting.”

I/Ore:  “Why so few?”

Hec:  “He didn’t have the longest attention span.  But I wouldn’t worry too much.  None of these people expect to get their case heard in less than a year.”

I/Ore:  “You mean, they’ve been here before?”

Hec:  “Ooh-- they come every month, your Majesty.  Some of them have been coming for years.”

Bai:  “And what is the nature of this case?”

Landlord:  “I haven’t been paid my rent in two years.”

Tenant:  “And I don’t have a decent roof over my head.  He won’t fix it.”

Bai:  “Will you hear the case, your Majesty?”

Hec:  “If you wish to-- say, ‘Proceed.’  If no, say, ‘On to the next.’”

I/Ore:  “Proceed.”

Bai’s Voice:  “The tenant may speak first.”

Tenant:  “Well, your Majesty, it’s like this.  From the day I moved in, it’s been nothing but trouble-- broken promises-- the doors-- ”


Bai:  “Case number four!”

Bai:  “Case number fourteen!  Will you hear the case, your Majesty?”

I/Ore:  “Proceed.  Please-- rise.  I promise-- you’ll get a fair hearing.”

Epeius [Epe]:  “I’m afraid, your Majesty.”

I/Ore:  “What are you afraid of?”

Sold:  “Your Majesty-- this wretch refused to pay his taxes, and the traditional punishment hangs over his head.  Shall we do it now for your pleasure?”

I/Ore:  “No!  Keep away from him.  [Aside]  What is the traditional punishment?”

Hec [Aside]:  “Either they sell him and his family into slavery, your Majesty-- or they kill him.”

I/Ore:  “Please, get up.  You don’t have to kneel.  What’s your name?”

Epe:  “Epeius, your Majesty.”

I/Ore:  “Well, Epeius-- why didn’t you pay your taxes?  Especially when you knew the severity of the sentence?”

Epe:  “There’s nothin’ left to tax, your Majesty-- nothin’ left to take.  Your brother and his men, they-- they eat our food-- use our land-- take my children into their service!  They’ve-- they’ve left nothing for my wife and me.  Now, you are the only one we can turn to.  If-- if you choose to kill me, well, so be it.  At least, I’ve had my hearing.”

I/Ore:  “I promise you won’t die.  But I-- have to think about what you’ve said.  In the meantime-- you and your family will be my guests, here at the palace.”

Bai:  “This is highly unusual, your Majesty!”

I/Ore:  “Those are my orders, Bailiff.”

Epe:  “Oh-- your Majesty.  Oh, thank you, your Majesty.”

I/Ore:  “It’s all right.  Show him to the palace quarters.”

Epe [Whispers]:  “Thank you.”

Bai’s Voice:  “Court-- is adjourned!”

Nio:  “If you wouldn’t mind-- I’d be pleased if you’d go walking with me.”

I/Ore:  “I thought I was a-- drunken-- degenerate-- womanizing-- ”

Nio:  “Don’t believe-- everything you hear.”


Min:  “Please-- I beg of you, Orestes-- give up the throne and let me rule.”

Ore:  “No.”

Min:  “Why are you acting like this?  You never cared about being king.”

Ore:  “I do now.  I-- I fear for our father’s kingdom under your-- pathetic-- rule.”

Min:  “You’re just like him.  You both think I’m inadequate.  Well, look at me now, Orestes.”

Ore:  “I’m not impressed.  If I can’t live like a king, I might as well-- die like one.”

Arc:  “Well, that can be arranged.  But you don’t have to watch, your Majesty.”

Min:  “I tried to save you.”

Arc:  “Time for a little more med’cine [sic].”

Py:  “Let me help you , Sire.”


I/Ore:  “Is what Epeius says true?  Does Minos really abuse his subjects like that?”

Nio:  “You should know how little tolerance your father had for the powerless.  He always thought the people would be appeased if we got married.  But I was hoping to tell you a few ideas that I’d come up with-- not that I thought you’d listen?”

I/Ore:  “I’m listening, now.”

Nio:  “All right, then.  People everywhere deserve certain basic rights-- and it’s our job to make sure they keep them.”

I/Ore:  “Well-- what if I revoke the old tax laws-- and give peasants the same rights as landowners?  That way, they could meet-- uh-- air their grievances and obtain justice.  It’d be taxation-- but with representation for everybody.”

Nio:  “Becoming king has changed you so much.  I really can’t believe it.”

I/Ore:  “Are you glad?”

Nio:  “Of course I am-- for Attica-- ”

I/Ore:  “For Attica.”

Nio:  “And for me.  I’m glad too.”

I/Ore:  “Are you?”

Nio:  “Yes.  I’d resigned myself to a marriage without love.  You know, several of the stories also claim you’re a terrible kisser.”

I/Ore:  “Well, you know, uh-- last time we kissed-- we almost lost the chance of a royal heir.  But-- I’ve been practicing.”


Min:  “You didn’t have to do that!”

I:  “Why not?  You were gonna kill me.”

Min:  “No, I wasn’t.”

I:  “Sure.”

Min:  “Orestes is dying.  I never wanted to hurt him.  I just wanted to be king.  But Archias is poisoning him.”

I:  “Then you better stop Archias.”

Min:  “But I’m afraid of him.”

Min’s Voice:  “If he can kill Orestes, he can kill me too.  And the troops that protect his fortress are loyal to him, not me.”

I:  “OK.  Here’s what we’re gonna do.”


I:  “You’ll know I’ve been successful if the drawbridge opens.  Then you can rush the castle.  If it doesn’t open, don’t risk it.”

Y:  “Why not?”

Hec:  “Because he’ll be dead, you idiot.  I don’t like this.  If you don’t succeed, I lose both my kings.”

I:  “Oh, you’ll have a king-- I promise.”



I:  “Hey, guys!”

Sold:  “Halt!  Uh!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”


I:  “Hi, guys.  Hey, you know what?  It’s a beautiful night outside.  You should get out and enjoy it.”

Sold:  “How did you get out ’a your cell?”

I:  “No, no.  I’m still in there.”

Solds:  “He’s not lying.  Look.”  “Huh?”

I:  “It’s simple.”


Ore:  “Who is it?”

I:  “It’s your humble cousin, Cousin.  Come on.”

Ore:  “How did you get past the guard?”

I:  “We gotta get you outta here.”

Arc [Laughs]:  “There’s only one way the two ’a you are gettin’ outta here.  And that’s _dead_!”


I:  “You always so melodramatic?!  Orestes, stay there!”

Arc:  “Don’t slip now, little man!”

Ore:  “He can’t talk to me like that.  I’m the king.”


Arc:  “Ahh, not bad.  Ready?”

I:  “I just got that shirt!”

Arc:  “It’s nice.”

I:  “Ow!”


Arc:  “You’re the most annoying little insect that _ever_-- crawled up the leg-- of a titan!  Now!   You!  Are!  Dead!”

I:  “Not till I teach you some manners!  Missed!”

Sold:  “Hey!”

Min:  “Orestes!”

Ore:  “I never thought I’d see the day!”

Min:  “I could get used to this!”

Ore:  “Maybe we should try it again, sometime!  No-o-o!”

Min:  “Maybe I was-- good for sum’in’ after all.  Farewell, my brother.”

Arc:  “So sorry.”

I:  “Going down!”

Arc:  “Not without me.”

I:  “Ow.”

Arc:  “You’re getting angry, aren’t you?”

Nio:  “Orestes?”

I/Ore:  “Yes?”

Ore:  “Yes?”

Arc:  “Now, I’ve gotcha!”

Hec:  “Iolaus!”

I:  [Yells]

Arc:  [Yells]

I/Ore:  “Throw down your weapons.  Now!  My royal patience is running out!”

Nio:  “Help!  He’s hurt!”

I:  “Hector-- get him to the palace healer.  He’s been poisoned.”

Nio:  “You’re not Orestes-- are you?”

I:  “I wish I was.”


Lin:  “I’m sorry that men like you don’t become king.”

I:  “If men like me were kings, the world would be full of royalty.”

Hec:  “No, my friend, there aren’t many like you.  You’ve been our greatest king of all.  It’s been an honor to serve you.  I wish it were forever.”

I:  “Thank you.  Wait a second.  Aren’tcha coming in?”

Hec:  “No-- his Majesty wishes to see you alone.”


Ore:  “Niobe and I would like to express our gratitude to you-- Iolaus.”

I:  “I was glad I could be of help.”

Ore:  “You did more than help.  You healed our kingdom.  And you taught me the value of family..”

Nio:  “Attica has never seen anyone like you.”

Ore:  “I just hope I can rule-- with the wisdom you displayed.”

I:  “I-I’m sure you will-- your Highness.”

Ore:  “Orestes.”

I:  “I’ll try and remember that when I’m back this way.”

Ore:  “Is there nothing we can do to convince you to stay?”

I:  “No.  I’ve-- got a friend waiting at the Delphi crossroads.”

Ore:  “I’m sorry, I-- I haven’t got the strength to see you off.  Niobe-- would you?”

Nio:  “I’d be glad to.”

Ore:  “Till we meet again-- Cousin.”

I:  “Goodbye-- Orestes.”


Nio:  “It’s strange saying farewell-- to the man I thought I married.”

I:  “You’re lucky to have Orestes as a husband, Niobe.”

Nio:  “Yes-- I know.  Was it all an act?”

I:  “It was the only way I could convince Archias, uh-- ”

Nio:  “I’m not talking about that, Iolaus.  I’m talking about-- you and me-- and what I thought we felt for each other.”

I:  “No.  No, it wasn’t an act.”

Nio:  “Then there’ll always be a place in my heart for you.”


I:  “Hi.”

H:  “Hi.  What happened to you?”

I:  “Well-- ”

H:  “No, tell me later.  Uh-- I think it’s a good idea if we got up and-- left here, now.  Just-just-- went.  Just got out of here-- ”

I [Interrupts]:  “Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa.  What’s the problem?”

H [Panting]:  “Well-- you know that-- obsessed maiden I had to go talk to?”

I:  “Yeah?”

H:  “Well-- she, uh-- is obsessed.”

Maiden:  “Hey-y-y-y-y-y-y--y!”  [Yells]

H:  “Whoa!  See?”

I:  “Yeah.”

Maiden:  “Oh, Hercules!  Oh!  Oh!  You can’t run from me forever!  Oh, I’m going to make you mine if it’s the last thing I do!”

H:  “This has to stop!”

Maiden:  “No!  No!  Oh, I love you!  I love-- !”

H:  “You don’t love me!  You don’t even know me!”

I:  “You!  Miss!  You must stop this behavior, immediately.  How can you admit you love a man-- who says he can’t love you back?”

Maiden:  “Oh, but-- !”

I:  “If you wanna find true happiness, you must return to your village-- and seek a man-- whose love equals yours.”

Maiden:  “Oh, no, no, but-- !”

I:  “Go!  Seek him.”

Maiden:  “Yes, your lordship.”

H:  “Uh-uh-uh.  Whoo!  How did you do that?”

I:  “You’ve never seen my royal touch [Sniffs]-- have you?”


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