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Edition Take a Journey Through Tartarus!


“War Bride”  57/320


I:  [Dream  [Screams]  “I’ve killed a Hydra, before.  Of course--
then I had Hercules with me.”]

I:  [Screams]  “Huh!  Huh!”

H:  [Yawns]  “Same nightmare?”

I:  “Yeah-- Ho!  Oh, boy.  That makes it the Hydra three, Iolaus

H:  “Maybe-- you need to-- slow down, get away for awhile.”

I:  “Wait, wait, wait a minute.  You’re telling me to take a

H:  “Why  not?  Everyone needs a break now and then.”

I:  “Well, yeah, but-- usually, it’s me telling you to--  Oh,
hey-- hey, Herc-- I know the perfect spot.  We are gonna be
treated like royalty.”

H:  “Ha-ha-- we?  Nobody said ‘We’.”

I:  “Aw, come on, it stands to reason.  If I need a break, you
need a break.  [Laughs]  We are gonna wallow in luxury.  Ahhh.”


Melissa [Mel]:  “No, no, no, no, no!  You can’t use me like you
were treating a horse or a cow, or something!”

King:  “My dear, your marriage to Prince Gordius will ensure
peace between our kingdoms.”

Mel:  “Oh!  Peace?!  War?!  Who cares?!  This is my life we’re
talking about!  Oh, Daddy.  Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve
dreamed about the kind of man I’d marry.  Oh, he’d be handsome
and charming, and all the other princesses would want him, and
he’d just want me, and they’d be so jealous, and-- [Cries]  “And,
now you wanna spoil all that!”

Alexa:  “What’s going on?  Melissa can be heard half-way to

Mel:  “Oh, Alexa, thank the gods you’re here!  Father’s still
trying to marry me off to that-- Lathian!”

King:  “My girls.  My two beautiful daughters.  I won’t be with
you much longer.  And before I die, I want our kingdom secured.
And that means naming the man to marry Melissa, and to take my

Mel:  “Ohhhhhhh!”

Alexa:  “Why not let Melissa rule?  She’s the rightful heir.”

King:  “Melissa, rule my kingdom?  This is a big job, Alexa--
making laws; commanding the army.  I’m sorry, but-- like it or
not, girls, this is a man’s world.”

Alexa:  “A woman can be just as strong as a man.”

King:  “We’re talking about your sister.”

Mel:  “Daddy-- if I have to marry someone, why does it have to be
a Lathian?  You once considered them our worst enemy.”

King:  “Once you’re married, our two kingdoms will be united.
Now, that means no more war; we can destroy our weapons.”

Mel:  “Ohhhhh!  I don’t love him!”

King:  “You don’t even know him!  You were born into royalty,
Melissa.  That means privilege _and_ sacrifice.  You’ll leave for
Lathia in the morning.”


Mel:  “My life is over.”

Alexa:  “Maybe there’s a way out.”

Mel:  “Uh-- Alexa-- it’s nice to dream, but come tomorrow
morning,  I’m gonna be sacrificed on the altar of marriage to his
royal fatness, Prince Gordius-- unless I’m not here.”

Alexa:  “What do you mean?  Run away?”

Mel:  “Oh, who am I kidding?  Where would I go?  Who would dress
me?  Who would feed me?  Who would do my hair?  Oh, it’s a jungle
out there.  Oh, I’m going to bed.  If I’m lucky, I’ll die in my


Goon:  “Don’t wanna get married, Princess?  Well, this is your
lucky day.”



H:  “I thought you said we would wallow in luxury.”

I:  “I did.”

H:  “So, this must be wallowing.  Hmm.  Now I know what a pig
feels like.”

I:  “Me, too.”

Marjus:  “It’s very good for your skin, you know?  This is nice.
Don’t you think?  I’m Marjus, from Century 1 Realty.  Can we

I:  “Uh-- actually, we’re on vacation.”

Mar:  “Oh, what’s a vacation for anyway?  Am I right?  All work
and no play?  I don’t think so.  I’m giving you nice boys two
words.  Are you ready for this?  Are you listening?  Two words.
Time share-- huh, huh?”

H:  “Time share.”

Mar:  [Laughs]  “Yeah.  I love to help people.  This-- is an
opportunity of a lifetime.  Don’t thank me now.  Wait till you
hear the details.  Then you’ll say, ‘Marj, who knew?  Who knew?
I can’t thank you enough.’  That’s what you’ll say.  But, I’ll
tell you-- no need, no need.  And you know why?  Because I _love_
to help people.  [Laughs]  Boys?  Boys.”


Alexa:  “Father.  You called for me.”

King:  “This was found outside our gates.  It’s from the
Lathians.  They have Melissa.  They demand our immediate
surrender, or they kill her.”

Alexa:  “But, Prince Gordius, himself, proposed the marriage.”

King:  “Well, they always were a treacherous lot.  But, why take

Alexa:  “To force your hand.  You agreed to the marriage.  That
means you’re anxious for peace.  It says you’re vulnerable.  They
think you’ll surrender, to _save_ her.  Father, you can’t ignore
their threats.  You have to send the army to rescue her.”

King:  “No, no.  That will be the worst thing to do.  They’d kill
her on the first sight of our army.  We send a spy to Lathia.  If
Gordius has kidnapped Melissa, we’ll know soon enough.”


Goon:  “Prince-ess.  Time to wake u-up.”

Mel:  “Just a _little_ bit longer.”

Goon:  “Aw.”


Mel:  [Scream]  “Was that absolutely necessary?”

Goon:  “I’m so sorry.  What can I do to make it up to you?”

Mel:  “Well-- something to eat would be nice.  Oh, nothing
fancy-- poached egss, bacon.  And one other thing-- you could let
me in on the little joke.  From me to you?  It’s not very funny!
It’s those Lathians, isn’t it?  This is one of those stupid,
primitive wedding things.  Kidnap the bride; humiliate her; make
it impossible for her to get a decent night’s sleep!”

Goon:  “You wait till I get you to market, Princess.  You won’t
get a decent night’s sleep again.”

Mel:  “Market?  Excuse me.  Uh, what does he mean, get me to
market?  Are we going shopping?”


Akteon:  “Prince Gordius-- how are we today?”

Gordius:  “Same as every day-- fat.”

Akteon:  “You’re being too hard on yourself.  You’re big-boned--
and actually, very handsome.”

Gordius:  “Yeah-- well, if I’m so handsome, why isn’t Princess
Melissa here?  I’ll tell you why.  She doesn’t wanna be here.
She doesn’t wanna have anything to do with me.”

Akteon:  “Oh, you know how women are.  She probably can’t decide
on what to wear.”

Gordius:  “Hmm, right-- or, maybe something happened to her.  I
mean, the roads aren’t safe anymore, you know?  I’m telling you,
Akteon, I don’t like it.  It means trouble.”

Akteon:  “Enough worrying.  It’s time to celebrate.  A toast-- to
the unification of Lathia and Alcinia.”

Gordius:  “No-- I can’t relax until Princess Melissa arrives safe
and sound.”


I:  “Ha-ha.  Wasn’t that great?  Hey, is your skin all warm and

H:  “Ah, yeah.  Why don’t we-- head up the coast and-- do a
little fishing.”

I:  “Yeah, fishing’d be good.”

H:  “Hold on.  What’s this?”

Mel:  “Careful with that!  You could put an eye out with that

Goon:  “Oh, another word, and you’ll all get a taste of it.”

Slave:  “Will you shut up?!”

Mel:  “Aw.  Me?!  I’m not the one cracking my whip, making
threats like a-- big-shot.  Besides, I’m a princess.  I don’t
have to put up with this.”

Goon:  “Come on!  Let’s go!”

Mel:  “Excuse me?  Are we about through with this little joke?
You know, the part where everybody jumps out and yells,

Goon:  “Oh, am I gonna enjoy this.”

H:  “Nice whip.  Mind if I give it a spin?”

Mel:  “Hercules.”

H:  “Melissa?”

Goon:  “Get him!”

I:  “Uh, Herc, these guys are-- ”

H:  “I got ‘em.”

I:  “Great-- I’ll get the women.”


Women:  “Thank you!  Thank you!”

Vendor:  “My fresh vegetables!”

Mel:  “Hercules!”  [Kisses him on the cheeks]  

H:  “Melissa-- what happened to you?”

Mel:  “Oh, I know I’m a mess.  You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve

H:  “No.  How did you end up-- in the hands of a slave-trader?”

Mel:  “Oh, well, he-- kidnapped me right out of the palace.  I
thought it was all a joke.”

I:  “No, that wasn’t a joke.  Those guys were serious.”

H:  “Something’s very odd here.  There’s more to this.”

I:  “There is?”

Mel:  “And-- you would be?”

H:  “Oh, um-- Iolaus, this is Princess Melissa of Alcinia.  I
helped her father negotiate a peace treaty, what, 7, 8 years ago?
Melissa-- Iolaus.”

I:  “Hi.”

Mel:  “Pretty scrawny for a manservant, isn’t he?”

H:  “Uh-- Iolaus is my best friend.”

Mel:  [Laughs]  Oh, Hercules.  Still taking in every stray dog
that comes along.”

I:  “Excuse me?”

H:  “Uh-- Iolaus and I will take you home, now, and try to get to
the bottom of this.”

I:  “We will?”

Mel:  “Wonderful!  You can get the carriage now, Iolfus.”

I:  “The name is Iolaus--  and we don’t have a carriage.”

H:  “Uh, no-- sorry.  Think you can manage on foot?”

Mel:  “You mean walk?  How quaint.  I’ve always wanted to commune
with nature.  Yeah-- let’s rough it.”  

I:  “Stray dog?”

H:  “I’ll explain later.”

Mel:  “Of course, if we’re on foot-- I’ll need a walking stick.
Oh, that’ll do nicely.”

I:  “No, no-- that’s not a good idea.”

Mel:  “Oh-- Iolfus.  You should be more careful!”

Vendor:  “My beautiful vegetables!”

H:  “This is gonna be a very long trip.”



Mel:  “Iolfus!  Are you unaware of the custom?  Commoners walk
behind royalty.  Three paces behind.”

H:  “So-- your father thought he could-- solidify the peace with
Lathia by marrying you to Prince Gordius?”

Mel:  “Well, that was his plan-- until I got kidnaped, of

I:  “Who would wanna kidnap you?”

Mel:  “I can’t imagine-- though I wouldn’t put it past old

H:  “No-- Gordius is a man of his word.  It’s someone else--
someone with a reason.”

Mel:  “Well, whoever it was, I’d like to thank him.  He put a
stop to this whole wedding thing.”

I:  “Why don’t you wanna marry Prince Gordius?”

Mel:  “Well, from what I hear, he’s not exactly husband

I:  “You mean, you haven’t even _met_ him?” 

Mel:  “I don’t have to meet someone to know they’re unappealing.
I hear he’s so fat, he has to bathe in the castle moat.  Can you
imagine me marrying someone like that?”

I:  “No-- he might be a nice guy.”

Mel:  “Excuse me, is there a problem?”

I:  “Well, now that you mention it-- ”

H:  “Wait, wait, hey, hey, hey.  Enough.  All right, I mean, we
still have a-- long way to go, and-- we should just try to-- get
along-- all right?”

I:  “All right, uh-- I am sorry.”

Mel:  “Hmm.  Well, he _started_ it.”

I:  “OK.”


Alexa:  “Oh, Father!”

King:  “I’m just as worried as you are about Melissa, my dear.”

Alexa:  “It’s more than that.”

King:  “Oh?”

Alexa:  “I was thinking about you.  The way you looked leading
our army into battle.  So proud, strong-- you were unstoppable.
Those were good days, Father.”

King:  “No, no.  I was a foolish man.  I built the world’s most
awesome weapon-- the fist of Tolus-- and I used it without mercy.
I’m thankful that the kingdom survived those times.  But for you,
Alexa-- I pray the good days are yet to come.”

Alexa:  “It’s time I put you to bed, Father.”

King:  “I-- I suppose you’re right.”


Mel:  “Is that a bug?!  Look at the _size_ of that thing!  What
are we doing in a swamp, anyway?  I’ve never seen so many
creepy-crawly creatures in all my life.”

I:  “You wanted to commune with nature.”

Mel:  “Well, that was before.  I didn’t know that nature was so--
natural.  Oooh!  Quicksand!  I’m sinking here!”

H:  “You’re fine.  It’s just a little mud.”

Mel:  “This is horrid!  Can’t we at least find some pretty
scenery to look at?!”

H:  “We don’t have time for that.  Your father will be worried,
and so will Prince Gordius.  One of them could do something

Mel:  “Like what?”

H:  “Like start a war?”

Mel:  “A war?  Fought over me.  Oh, how romantic!”

I:  “You can’t be serious.”

Mel:  “Why not?  Paris and Menelaus fought over Helen of Troy.”

H:  “And thousands of innocent lives were lost for no good

Mel:  “Oh.  Oh-- why doesn’t anything exciting like that ever
happen to me?!”

I:  “Unbelievable.  You are-- the most self-centered,
inconsiderate, thoughtless woman  I’ve ever met!”

Mel:  “Are you gonna let him speak to me like that?!”

I:  “Herc-- are you gonna straighten her out-- or am I?”

H:  “He’s got a point.”

Mel:  “Oh!”

I:  “Right!”

H:  “But now’s not the time-- nor the place to make it.  Let’s--
keep moving.”

Mel:  “Well, I’ll have you know, I’m a very considerate person.
I never go to a castle empty-handed!  I always say nice things to
visiting dignitaries, no matter how stupid or ugly they are!  I’m
nice to animals!  Well-- most animals.  There was that thing with
Alexa’s cat, but that wasn’t my fault!”


Alexa:  “Oh, Father.  I didn’t want it to come to this.
Everything our kingdom stands for is about to be destroyed.  And
yet, you can do nothing.  I know what you want, Father.  And I
know it’s up to me to make it happen.  [Suffocates father]

Lieu:  “You called, Princess Alexa?”

Alexa:  “The king is dead.  In my sister’s absence, I have no
choice but to claim the throne as Queen of Alcinia.”

Lieu:  “Yes, your Majesty.  Of course, your Majesty.”

Alexa:  “Notify my ministers.  The Lathians have brought this
dark day upon us.  I am declaring war.  It was the king’s dying
wish.  Prepare the fist of Tolus-- my father’s ultimate weapon.
It will be the insturment of our revenge.”


Mel:  “Well, what do we do now?”

H:  “We wade across.”

Mel:  “Aw-- well, is it safe?”

I:  “Yeah, yeah, Herc, you know, you really should go first--
just, just to make sure it’s, uh-- safe.”

H:  “Fine.  See, it’s not that deep.  There’s a hole right here--
so, you better watch out for that.  Come on-- it’s OK.”

Mel:  “Slow down!  This isn’t a race!  I knew I should never have
listened to you!  There must be a bridge around here, somewhere.”

I:  “Would you just keep still!”

Mel:  [Screams]  “Oh!  Oh.”

I:  “Lady-- I have two words to say to you:  get off my back!”

Mel:  [Screams]

I:  “Melissa-- you oughtta be more careful.”

Mel:  [Screams]


Alexa:  “Halt!”

Lieu:  “Hold it right there, men.”

Alexa:  “I want a fully-armed exercise for the crew handling the
weapon.  Use the village ahead for a target.”

Lieu:  “Those are civilians, Queen Alexa.”

Alexa:  “We’re going to kill every Lathian we see-- civilian or
soldier.  We’ll terrorize the heartland.  It’ll be a short war.
Prepare the weapon!”

Soldiers:  “Get that arm!  Give me a hand, here!  Rock and roll!”

Alexa:  “My father was a great warrior before Hercules forced him
into a treaty with the Lathians.  Peace between us will never be
possible.  We do now what my father should have done then.  Oh,
and Lieutenant-- never question my command again.”

Lieu:  “Prepare to fire.”


Akteon:  “You sent for me?  Your Majesty-- what are you doing?”

Gordius:  “I’m taking some men to search for Princess Melissa.”

Akteon:  “Is that such a good idea?  I mean, it could be
dangerous.  We don’t know what the Alcinians might be up to.”

Gordius:  “We don’t actually know that they’re up to anything--
do we?

Akteon:  “No-- no we don’t.  But-- if they were, it could be--

Gordius:  “You worry for nothing.  I trust King Tolus.  Let’s


I:  “I-- I’ve never seen anything like this.”

H:  “I have.  This is from a weapon I hoped to never see again.
You got your wish.  Looks like a war has started.”



Soldier:  “Lathians!  Kill them!”

Mel:  “Hercules, what is this?!”

I:  “It’s a whole lot of guys, shooting at us!”

H:  “Cover, over there-- come on!”

Mel:  [Screams]

H:  “Melissa!”

Mel:  “Hercules!”

H:  “Iolaus!”

Mel:  “This is ridiculous!  Don’t they know who I am?!”

I:  “They don’t care who you are!  That’s what war is-- kill
people and-- tear stuff up.”

H:  “I’ve got to stop this.”

Mel:  “Please, don’t leave me.”

I:  “Hey.  They’ve stopped.”

H:  “Listen.  Stay here.  All right, come on.”


H:  “It’s OK.  It’s OK.  We’re here to help.  Iolaus.  Melissa,
come here.  Give me your hand.”

Mel:  “What are you doing?”

H:  “Apply pressure there.”

Mel:  “Oh, but he’s Lathian.”

H:  “Just do it.”

Mel:  “I’m getting blood on me.”

I:  “Be thankful it isn’t yours.

H:  “Iolaus, there’s a temple.  It’s not far.  It’s neutral
ground.  We’ll take them there.”

Mel:  “No, we can’t take them with us.  They’ll slow us down.”

I:  “If we leave them here, these men will die!”

Mel:  “But, we’ll all die if we take them.”

H:  “Melissa, we are helping these men.”


Priest:  “You’re going to be all right.  By the gods, what’s
happening out there?”

H:  “Ignorance and stupidity.”

Priest:  “You’re welcome here.  There’s not much I can do.  I’m
not a healer.”

H:  “It’s all right.  You can help us.  There you go.  Look at
this.  Iolaus.  You and Melissa take the other side.  Start with
the ones who are hurt the worst.”

I:  “A lot of help she’s gonna be.”

H:  “Give her a chance.”

I:  “Give me a choice.”

H:  “You’ve seen a lot of these?”

Priest:  “Too many to count.”


Alexa:  “The weapon worked better than I ever expected.  Lathia
is mine.”

Lieu:  “Your Highness.  Our spies found your sister.  She’s in a
temple not far off the main road.”

Alexa:  “But-- that’s not possible.  Is she alone?”

Lieu:  “She’s with Hercules.  Shall I tell the troups to stand

Alexa:  “No-- we march ahead as planned.  It was Hercules who
forced my father into a treaty with the Lathians.  His death will
be a part of my victory.  We will march on this temple, killing
everything in our path-- including Hercules.  Is that

Lieu:  “But, what about Princess Melissa?”

Alexa:  “If my sister dies, such is the price of war.  Now, ready
the weapon.”


Mel:  “You brought me here to teach me a lesson, didn’t you?  The
ravages of war, the beauty of peace, and now I’m supposed to run
home and marry Gordius, like everyone wants.”

H:  “You can marry whoever you want to.  No matter what happens,
one day, you will be a queen.  And being here now, may make you a
better one then.”

Mel:  “How?  By making me feel stupid and helpless?”

H:  “No, Melissa.  Look around you.  This is what war does to
people.  So when it’s your turn to choose between making war or
keeping the peace, you’ll know what’s at stake.”

Mel:  “I don’t want that kind of responsibility, Hercules.  I
don’t know the first thing about taking care of a kingdom.”

H:  “It starts-- one person at a time.”

Mel:  “What can I do-- to help?”

H:  “I don’t think war looks so romantic to her anymore.”

I:  “Hmm.”

H:  “Think you can handle the rest?”

I:  “Where are you going?”

H:  “To find the weapon that did this.”


Gordius:  “I could use a hand here!  Hercules-- now, what are you
doing here?”

H:  “Trying to prevent some friends from going to war.”

Gordius:  “I’m afraid you’re too late.”

H:  “Maybe not.  I have Princess Melissa.”

Gordius:  “You do?  Well, what happened?  Where is she?”

H:  “She’s safe-- in a temple near here.”

Gordius:  “When she didn’t show up for the wedding, I knew it
meant trouble-- but I never dreamed Tolus would use one of the
weapons he vowed to destroy.”

H:  “It’s not Tolus-- I’m sure of that.”

Akteon:  “Who else could it be?”

Gordius:  “Uh, Hercules, this is my prime minister, Akteon.”

Akteon:  “Hercules, we value your help.”

H:  “I’m not here to take sides.  Why don’t you grab your men?
I’ll show you the way to the temple.”


Alexa:  “You’re late.  Is Gordius dead?”

Akteon:  “No.  He’s with your sister.”

Alexa:  “Gordius, Melissa, and Hercules together?  So they die


H:  “Alexa!  What do you think you’re doing?!”

Alexa:  “Have you come to meddle in my kingdom’s business yet

H:  “Your kingdom?  What would King Tolus have to say about

Alexa:  “The king is dead!  Long live the queen!  Although I
can’t say the same for my sister.  Prepare to fire!”

H:  “Why are you doing this?  It doesn’t make any sense.  You
know I’ll stop you!”

Alexa:  “I don’t think so.  This is something not even you can
stop, Hercules.  Fire!  Yes!  Sergeant.  Leave some men here.
Dig him out.  If the rocks didn’t kill him, finish the job.”

Sergeant:  “Let’s go!”



Soldier:  “He’s dead.  Move the rest of the rocks.”

Lieu:  “Your Highness-- the weapon is slowing us down.”

Alexa:  “We’ll take the main column ahead to the temple.  Put
more men on the weapon.  And tell them to move quickly.”


I:  “Here.”

Priest:  “Ah, thank you.”

I:  “That one over there needs a fresh bandage.”

Priest:  “Melissa, over here.”

Priest:  “She’s very sweet.”

I:  “Yeah-- she’s a regular princess.”

Gordius:  “So, you’re, uh-- Princess Melissa, of Alcinia.”

Mel:  “Yeah.”

Gordius:  “Here.”

Mel:  “Oh.”

Gordius:  “You’re not quite what I expected.”

Mel:  “Yeah, well, I guess I’m not quite what I expected, either.
Who are you?”

Gordius:  “Prince Gordius.”  

Mel:  “Oh-- uh-- so, what did you expect?” 

Gordius:  “Um-- I don’t know.  Uh-- make-up; too much perfume;
big hair [Laughs]

Mel:  [Laughs]  “Yeah, well, I guess I’m not that kind of

Gordius:  “I hope not.”

Mel:  “You’re not disappointed?”

Gordius:  “No, I’m not.”

Mel:  “That hand of yours could use-- a bandage.”


H:  “You took long enough.”


H:  “No time to spare.”


Alexa:  “Well, well, well-- a honeymoon and a funeral on the same
day.  How convenient.”

I:  “Wait.  There are only wounded in here.”

Alexa:  “That’s not what I heard.”

Mel:  “Alexa, what are you doing?”

Alexa:  “Melissa.  Our father is dead.  He was killed by Prince
Gordius-- part of the plot he and my sister cooked up to seize
the throne of Alcinia.”

Gordius:  “That’s a lie.”

Alexa:  “Save your tears.  You’ll be with Father soon.”

Gordius[?]:  “You’ll never get away with this.”

Alexa:  “I already have.  Destroy this place and everyone in it!”

I:  “These men have no weapons!  They’re all wounded!”

Alexa:  “Who are you?”

Mel:  “That’s Iolfus-- a friend of Hercules.”

I:  “Actually, it’s Iolaus.”

Alexa:  “Hercules won’t be fighting anyone.”

I:  Why?  What have you done?”

Alexa:  “Let’s just say, I’ve got him covered.”

Gordius:  “Akteon.  Have you betrayed me?”

Akteon:  “I saw it as a good career move.”

Alexa:  “Enough!  Attack!”


I:  “Get out of here!”

Mel:  “Please, Alexa, how can you?!  Father would never believe--

Alexa:  “Our father should have been here by my side, now.  But
he was weak, and dying.  I had to help him along.”

Mel:  “You killed him.”

Alexa:  “I think of it more as putting him out of his misery.
You were supposed to be long-gone, too.  I told the slavetrader
to find you something nice-- comfortable-- a harem, maybe, or a--
bordello.  Goodbye, Sister.”

H:  “Hold it!  Sorry I’m late.  Things kind of-- piled up on me.
Alexa, you’re not big on family, are you?”

Alexa:  “Get him!”

H:  “Don’t even think about it.”


Mel:  “Thank you.”

Alexa:  “Keep ‘em busy.”

Akteon:  “Me?  Where’re you going?”

Alexa:  “For the weapon.”

H:  “Iolaus!  I’m going for the weapon!”

I:  “You bet’cha!”

Akteon:  “Your Majesty.  I hope you understand.  It was nothing

Gordius:  “Understand this, Mister Prime Minister.”

Mel:  “Uh-- you all right?”

I:  “Good.”


Alexa:  “Hercules has attacked our men.  I’ll get the weapon; you
mount a counter-attack.”

Sold:  “Yes, my Queen.”

Lieu:  “There he is.”

Alexa:  “Get him!”


Alexa:  “Now you die, Hercules.”

Mel:  “Going somewhere, little sister?”


Mel:  “I didn’t make things very easy for you.  I’m sorry.
Gordius and I would like to thank you both for everything.  I
just wish my father were here to-- share in our happiness.”

H:  “I have a feeling King Tolus is watching you from the Elysian
Fields, and he is very proud.”

I:  “So-- what’s next?  Unification of the two kingdoms?”

Gordius:  “Uh, we thought we should, uh-- get to know each other,

Mel:  “But things are progressing very nicely.  Thanks again,
Hercules.  Iolaus.”

Gordius:  “Bye.”

H:  “See ya.”

I:  “Bye.”

Mel:  “Bye.”

I:  “Hey, Herc.”

H:  “Hmm.”

I:  “She remembered my name.”

H:  “Oh, she did, didn’t she?  I was just starting to get used
to-- Doofus.”

I:  “Hey-- that’s Iolfus.”

H:  “Ah-- whatever.”

I:  “Now, this vacation.  You know what we should do?”

H:  “Huh?”

I:  “We should try that new thing, you know?  Where you, you tie
a rope around your ankles and dive off a cliff.  That’ll be

H:  “Are you sure you’re name isn’t Doofus?”

I:  [Laughs]

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