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“Two Men and a Baby”  Episode 65/406


[Nemesis running]

Meniskos:  “Whoa!  There she is!  Come on!”

[Nemesis running]

Meniskos:  “Whoa!  Nemesis!  Over there!  Come on!  Yah!”

[Nemesis running]

Meniskos:  “We’ve got her.  Get in there!  Not with weapons, you
fools!  It’s a woman and a baby!  What are you afraid of?!”

Warrior:  “Get her!”


Meniskos:  “The baby.  Get the baby!  It’s headed towards the

Warrior’s Voice:  “I’ll grab her!  [Pull out?] the baby!”

Meniskos:  “The baby!”

Warrior’s Voice:  “Come on!”

Meniskos:  “No, no-- grab her.”

Warriors’ Voices:  “The girl!”  “Come on!”  “Let’s get her!”  

Meniskos:  “The baby!”

Warrior’s Voice:  “Come on!”

Meniskos:  “Grab her!  The baby!”

Warrior:  “Whoa!  Ohhh!”

Nemesis:  “Sorry-- guess I’m a little rusty.”

Warrior’s Voice:  “She’s getting away!”  “What about the baby?!”

Meniskos:  “Catch the horses.  We start over.  We must find that
baby-- or what’s left of him.”


Evander:  [Crying]

Nemesis:  “Nooooo!”


I’s Voice:  “Will you hurry up, already!  I’m starving!”

[H and I laugh.]

I’s:  “Very clever.”

I:  “Hey, HerK!  The fire’s nearly ready.  Boy, I’m so hungry, I
could eat a really _big_-- juicy-- great-- thing.”

H:  “Should we throw this one back?”

I:  “Basket?”

H:  “It’s a baby.”

I:  “A-a baby?!”

H:  “Yeah.  [Laughs]  Look at him-- isn’t he something, huh?”

I:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Yeah.”

I:  “A baby in a basket.”

H:  “Nemesis.”

I:  “Uh-oh.”

H:  “What?”

I  “Nemesis.”

Nemesis:  “Oh-ho-ho!”

H:  “Is something-- wrong?  Are you OK?”

Nemesis:  “I can’t believe this!  I-- I look everywhere for you,
and-- and Evander finds you!  And you save his life.”

H:  “And this-- would be Evander.”

Nemesis:  “Yes, it would.  Evander-- our baby.”

H:  “Excuse me?”

Nemesis:  “Our baby.  Shh.  Sh-sh-shh.”

H:  “Our baby?”



H:  “Iolaus-- will you mind holding the baby?”

I:  “Sure.”

H:  “We-- need to have a talk.  

I:  “Here we go-- come on.  Ooh-- ooh-ooh.”

H:  “After you.”

I:  “Hi.”

Evander:  [Coos-- almost sounds like “Hi.”]

I:  “I’m Iolaus.  And you are [Laughs]-- Evander!  [Laughs]”


H:  “You should’ve told me sooner.  What were you _waiting_ for?”

Nemesis:  “Well, I wasn’t sure how you would _react_.”

H:  “Nemesis.  Come on-- this is us!  We _know_ each other.  I
wanted to be a father, again.  But it would’ve-- it would’ve been
nice to see his-- first smile, you know-- help decide his name.”

Nemesis:  “What, you don’t like his name?”

H:  “Evander’s a fine name.  That’s not the point.”

Nemesis:  “Well, what is the point?”

H:  “The point is, you should’ve told me.”


I:  “OK, Evander-- now!  Since you and your Mom are joining us
for supper-- we’re gonna need some more fish!  So-- first of
all-- we take Mr. Grub-- put him on-- that’s right-- woochie!
Woochie!  Woochie!  Wooch!  Ooh, you’re hungry, aren’t you?
Yeah, well this is not for you.  This is for the fish.  Now--
don’t worry-- it doesn’t hurt him.  He just goes in the water,
you see, and Mr. Grub-- he just goes in the water, and he
squiggles along, like squiggly, wiggly, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy,
swimmy, swimmy!  And along comes Mr. Fish.  Mr. Fish-- he’s
swimming along, you know-- [kissing-humming noise].  And he sees
Mr. Grub-- swimmy, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy, swimmy!  And
he opens his big old mouth, and he goes-- ahh-oop!  Yeah!  That’s
right!  Ahh-oop!  Just like that!  Yeah-- and then-- we catch
him-- we throw him on the fire-- and yes!  We got a toasty little
stuffer!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!
Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!  Yubby!  Yubby!  Yub!
Yub!  Yubby!  Yubby!  And, uh-- well, that’s how you catch fish.
We were just-- talking about-- fishing.”

H:  “Yeah, right.”

Nemesis:  “Thank you, Iolaus.  Um-- will you look after him,
while I wash some of his things?”

H:  “Oh, sure.  He can watch us catch some supper.”

I:  “Ah-- snag again.”

H:  “Here’s how you really catch fish.  See?”

I:  “Boy-- you sure know how to take the fun out of fishing.”

H:  “Your way takes too long.”

I:  “Patience is a virtue.  Besides-- you’re a role-model, now.”

H:  “Fine.”

I:  “Mm-hmm.”

H:  “We’ll do it your way.”

I:  “Good.”

H:  “I still say it takes too long.”

I:  “Hmm-hmm.  Ow!  What did you do that for?!”

H:  “Do what?”

I:  “Shush!  You’re-- scaring the fish.”

H:  “What are you doing?”

I:  “Fishing.”

H:  “Very funny-- now cut it out.”

I:  “I didn’t do anything.  Anyway-- you started it.”

H:  “If you didn’t do anything, how could I start it?”

I:  “I didn’t do anything.”

H:  “You did too!”

I:  “I did not!”

H:  “Did too!”

I:  “Did not!”

Evander:  [Cries]

H:  “Now, look what you’ve done!”

I:  “I didn’t do anything!”
Nemesis:  “What happened?”

I and H:  “Nothing.”

Nemesis:  “Is him hungry?  Hmm?  Hungry little man?  [Chuckles]
We’ll be back.”

I and H:  “Bye.”

H:  “Did too.”

I:  “Did not.”

H:  “Stupid way to fish, anyway.”

I:  “Mmm-nyah-nyah-nyah.”


Nemesis:  “Please understand, Evander.  I don’t want to leave
you.  But the soldiers are still looking for us.  I’ve got to
lead them away from you.  I’ll be back-- as soon as I can.  If
anything happens to me-- I know Hercules will look after you--
and love you-- just as much as I do.”


I:  “So-- how do you feel about, uh-- well-- Evander?”

H:  “I guess I’m still in shock about being a father again.  It’s
not something we planned, but-- that doesn’t mean I-- love him
any less.  Your real question is, ‘How do I feel about Nemesis?’”

I:  “Well-- I don’t want you to think I’m judging her on her--
past actions.  You know, I mean-- just because she was the
hitwoman of the gods, and-- had an arrow in a quiver with my name
on it for no good reason.”

H:  [Interrupting]  “The gods told her you were guilty of pride,
arrogance, and ego.”

I:  “Ah-- well-- I like to think I’m above all that, now.  Like
you said-- the question is-- how do you feel about-- Nemesis?”

H:  “She was my-- childhood sweetheart-- my first-- grown-up
love.  I don’t think I’ll ever lose those feelings.  Where is
she?  Nemesis!  Is everything all right?!”


H:  “She took the horse.”

I:  “Where?”

H:  “She’s in some kind of trouble, and won’t tell me what it is.
We’ve gotta find her before she gets hurt.”

Evander:  [Cries]

I:  “What is it?  What’s wrong?”

H:  “I don’t know.  He just ate, so he’s not hungry.  Maybe he’s

I:  “Gas pains.  Babies always get gas pains-- don’t they?”

H:  “I’ve-- got Evander.  You-- get his stuff.”

I:  “Right.”

H:  “Oh, boy.”


Ares:  “I don’t think so.  It’s just not me, uh-- what do I want
with a palace?”

Discord:  “Palaces are for sissies, Ares.  _This_ is a castle.”

Ares:  “Well, I appreciate the thought, Discord-- but, what does
a god want with a place like this?”

Discord:  “Everybody’s gotta be somewhere.  Come on, give it a
chance.  I went to a lot of trouble.”

Ares:  “Oh, I’m-- sure you did.  How did you get rid of the
previous occupants?”

Discord:  “They all kinda went mad-- and slaughtered each other.”

Ares:  “You and your pranks.  Well-- it does give the place a
certain-- cachet.  I don’t know-- maybe.  Well?  Where are they?”

Meniskos:  “We’ve been up and down the river.  Nothing.”

Ares:  “You go.  Take them with you.  Use them, or not.  But I
want Nemesis and her child.”

Discord:  “What do you want with her?”

Ares:  “Never you mind.  And I do want them alive.”

Discord:  “What if there’s an accident?  Something out of my

Ares:  “You-- are so impudent.  What you deserve-- is a good

Discord:  “And you-- are such a tease.”

Ares:  “You may go.”


I:  “Here you go.  You know?  If we keep stopping like this,
we’re never gonna catch up with Nemesis.”

H:  “Yeah, yeah.  Good boy, ain’t you, Evander?  You are.”

I:  “Are you sure you know how to do this?”

H:  “Well, it’s, uh-- been a while, but-- it’s all coming back to
me, now.  Good boy.”


Nemesis:  “Come on, horse!  I don’t have time for this!  Steady!

Discord:  “Ah, poor baby.  That had to hurt.  I guess life was a
lot softer when you were handing out punishment for the gods.
Too bad you blew it.  Too bad; too sad.”



Nemesis:  “Ahhhhh!”

Discord:  “Where did you hide him, Nemesis?  The village?  Think
I can’t find him?  Bet I can.”

Nemesis:  “Running  errands for Ares, now, huh?  That’s lame--
even for you.”

Meniskos’ Voice:  “Whoa.”

Discord:  “Take her to the village-- and don’t let her get away.”

Meniskos:  “Get her on the horse-- and watch her.”

Warrior:  “On your feet.”


I:  “There you go.”

H:  “Is he in there?”

I:  “Yeah.  Hey, little guy.”

H:  “What is that?”

I:  “Uh-- HerK!  Whoa!”

H:  “What are you doing?”

I:  “Uh-- nothing.  Just, um-- falling down.”

H:  “Why?”

I:  “Uh-- [chuckles]”

H:  “OK.”

I:  “Herk!  Look!”

H:  “What now:?”

I:  “See?!  See?!  Ahh!”

H:  “What’s going on?”

I:  “I-- I was floating.”

H:  “Floating.”

I:  “Yeah-- you know?  In the air.  I think it was him.”

H:  “Evander.”

I:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Evander-- will you please stop floating Uncle Iolaus?  We
have to find Mommy.”

I:  “HerK.”

H:  “I’m worried about you.”

I:  “HerK!”

H:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah-- you’re floating.”

I:  “Well-- ”


Warriors’ Voices:  “Sit down!”  “All right, now.  Stand back.”

Discord:  “Where is this baby of yours?”

Nemesis:  “Why?  So you can take him to Ares?  I won’t allow it.”

Discord:  “Oh, you’ll tell-- sooner of later.  Why does he want
your brat, anyway?”

Nemesis:  “Since when did he need a reason for anything?!  But,
he can’t have my son.  I would die first.”

Discord:  “That could be arranged.  Is one of these peasants
hiding him?”

Nemesis:  “No.  What is your problem with me?!  We always got
along OK.”

Discord:  “You had the sweetest deal on Olympus!  A license to
kill!  I was made for that job.  But would they give me a shot?
No.  Not after you screwed things up.  _That’s_ my problem.
That, and Ares always had a thing for you because you’re an

Nemesis:  “I have _always_ despised him.”

Discord:  “You can tell him yourself, soon.  That kid is here--
and I am going to find him.  I want a post in the ground-- here!”


H:  “Yes, you’re hungry, huh?  Soon.”

I:  “Who said cows give milk?  No way-- you have to take it.”

H:  “You’re a wreck.”

I:  “Yeah?  You should see the cow.”

H:  “There’s a village up ahead.  We’ll ask if anyone’s seen
Nemesis.  Look at this, would you?  Ha-ha-ha-- what an appetite.”


Meniskos:  “This woman-- has brought the wrath of the gods down
upon this village!  Show me the child-- and no one will suffer!
She’ll be the first to burn!  Then one of you!”

Woman’s Voice:  “What is he talking about?”

H:  “Looks like we found Mommy.”

Meniskos:  “Show me the baby!  Last chance.  Give up the child
and save yourself!”

Nemesis:  “Leave these people alone!”

H:  “Hey, fellas!”

Warriors:  “Huh?”

H:  “Mothers know best.”

Meniskos:  “Get him.”


I:  “Left-- holding the baby.”

I:  “Here!  Could you, uh-- hold the baby?”

Warrior:  “Ahhh!”

H:  “Uh-uh-uh!  Can’t have a fire here-- no permit.”

Warrior:  “What’s going on?!”

H:  “Ah, Discord-- still carrying a torch for me, I see.”

Discord:  “Hercules-- Why am I not surprised?  Here to see your
old flame?  Well-- why not?”

Warrior:  “Ahhhhh!”

H:  “We need to talk.”

Woman:  “Here you are.”

I:  “Thanks, Evander!  HerK!”

H:  “Get them out of here!”

I:  “Come on.  Come on.”


Nemesis:  “The forest.”

I:  “Yeah.”


Warrior’s Voice:  “Don’t let him get away!”

Meniskos:  “After him-- go!”

Warrior:  “Out of the way!  Come on!  Come on!”


I:  “HerK!  HerK!  Ahh!”

H:  “Ah-- can’t leave this door ajar.”

I:  [Laughs nervously]


H:  “Here-- let me.  I know how to burp a baby.”

Nemesis:  “Gently, Hercules.  Very-- gently.”

H:  “When are you gonna talk to me, Nemesis?  What kind of
trouble are you in?  I’m here to help.”

Nemesis:  “The best way you can help is to keep Evander safe,
while I take care of it.”

H:  “We tried that already, and you nearly got yourself killed.
Now, stop playing games with me.  Of course, I’ll keep him safe.
He’s my son.  I wouldn’t let anything happen to this little guy.
There’s so much I wanna share with him-- things I wanna teach
him.  I am going to be the best-- Dad to you, Evander-- my son--
hmm?  Hmm?  What’s wrong?”

Nemesis:  “I feel so ashamed.  You’re the one person I trust
completely-- and I lied to you.  You’re not Evander’s father.”

H:  “Then who is?”

Nemesis:  “Ares.”

H:  “My brother?”



Nemesis:  “I am so sorry.”

H:  “If I said, ‘I understand,’ I’d be lying to you.  I don’t.
Why would you get involved with Ares?”

Nemesis:  “Ares came to me.  He promised I could be a god again
if I gave him a son.  I was afraid of being mortal-- not knowing
what to expect.  I was weak-- and foolish.  I believed him.”

H:  “Ares never kept a promise in his never-ending life.”

Nemesis:  “But, I’m _glad_ he didn’t.  It would’ve been a big
mistake.  I don’t want to be one of _them_ any longer.  Uh, the
gods laugh, and they play, but I don’t know one who feels real
joy.  They have more than enough passion, but-- do you know one
who really loves?  Would I love my little Evander the same if I
didn’t have this mortal heart?  I like my life the way it is

H:  “But, why would Ares be after Evander?  He cares nothing for
any of his children.”

Nemesis:  “Evander-- inherited some-- qualities from his father.”

Evander:  [Belch to end all belches]

H:  “Whoa.  What have you been feeding this kid?”

Nemeis:  “Look-- if Ares gets his hands on him, he’ll turn my
baby into a monster like himself.”

H:  “That-- is not gonna happen.  We won’t-- let it happen.  We
can teach him-- right from wrong.  He’ll be a good man-- even if
Ares is his father.”


Ares:  “This is not just-- any child.  He’s special.  He has the
potential, eventually-- to destroy Hercules.”

Discord:  “Why don’t we simplify?  I’ll kill Hercules.  I’m a
god-- I’ve got the goods.”

Ares:  “As much as I admire your-- goods-- I’m afraid it won’t
work.  You see-- one god cannot kill another.  And I don’t even
wanna _think_ about the penalty.  Unfortunately, Zeus has
extended the rule to protect my-- mongrel, half-god brother as

Discord:  “So, how’s a baby mortal gonna do the job?”

Ares:  “Well, that’s just it.  He’s not all mortal.  You see,
like my brother-- the baby has some godly blood as well.  And the
‘don’t kill’ rule doesn’t apply if the one doing the killing-- is
not a full god.”

Discord:  “I get it.  I get it!  He’s Hercules’ son!  You’ll use
his own son to kill him!  Ooh-- you’re so bad.”

Ares:  “And don’t you dare-- deviate from my plan.” 

Discord:  “You’re telling a deviant not to deviate.  And that’s
not fair.”


I:  “Boo-boo-boo-boo!  Little boy!”  [Laughs]

Evander:  [Foul eructation]

I:  “Oh, uh-- we could use some attention here!”

Nemesis:  “Fresh diaper?”

I:  “Yeah, that’d be my guess!  He has a certain air about him!”

H:  “Well, go on, Uncle Iolaus.  You, uh-- do the honors, there.”

I:  “Uncle Iolaus.  I like that, yes, I do.  I’ll pass.”

H:  “Uh-uh-uh, I’ll-- do it.  Come on, Bubbala.  Let’s you and
me-- take care of business.”

Nemesis:  “He would be such a good father.”

I:  “Hmm-hmm-hmm, yeah, he would.  He was.”

H:  “Great.”

Nemesis:  “I still love him, Iolaus.  I guess I always will.”

I:  “Yeah, he feels the same. You know that.”

Nemesis:  “What is it?”

I:  “It’s not my place to say, but-- ”

Nemesis:  “But-- ”

I:  “He would have helped you, anyway-- without the lie.  You
know, when you-- told him he was a-- father again-- it was the
best surprise of his life.  And then-- you take it away again.
Like I said, it’s not my place.”

Nemesis:  “No, no, it is your place.  You love him, too.  He’s
like your own brother-- and I hurt him.  I know I hurt him-- and
I’m sorry.  I knew he would help me-- and I knew you would, too.
I should have believed in what I knew.”

I:  “Hmm.”

H:  “Hah.  We-- are going for a walk.  Yeah.”


H:  “We’re a lot alike, Evander.  My father’s a god-- and my
mother is mortal, just like your parents.  Unfortunately-- our
fathers aren’t that reliable, hmm.  But our mothers-- are
wonderful.  She’ll never lie to you.  She’ll always do what’s
best for you.  She’s your mother.  And as long as I’m around, no
one-- is gonna hurt you.  I promise”

Ares:  “How touching-- to know my beloved brother is looking out
for my son.  Well-- we have a lot of-- bonding-- to catch up on.
I’ll take him, now.”

H:  “I don’t think so.”

Ares:  “I’m his father.  You can’t deny me.”

H:  “Watch me.  I won’t let you take away his chance to be a good

Ares:  “Good-- what good is a good man?  He has a shot at
greatness!  [Echoes 5 more times]”

H:  “You don’t care about your son.”

Ares:  “Oh, I care-- in my own way.  You see, Evander, grown,
will become your worst nightmare-- yours and all those-- good men
you care so much about.”

H:  “I will not-- give him to you.”

Nemesis’ Voice:  “Help!  Hercues, help!”

Ares:  [Laughs]


Nemesis:  “No!  Hercules, stay away!”

Discord’s Voice:  “Help me, Hercules!  Help me!”  [Laughs as she

Ares:  “Can I have my son back?  Please?”

Discord:  “Your son?”

Ares:  “Don’t-- start with me.”

Nemesis:  “Ares!  Please, don’t take him!”

Ares:  “So-- what’s it gonna be, Brother?  My son, or your
friends’ lives?  Ooop!  I guess I meant life.  It doesn’t look
like you’re gonna be able to save the both of them.”

I:  “Don’t do it, HerK!”

Ares:  “Time is almost up.”



H:  “If anything happens to him-- all the gods of Olympus won’t
be able to protect you.  I’ll be back for you, Evander.”

Ares:  “Let’s go.  Well?”

Discord:  “Something’s wrong!”

Ares:  “Ah-- the child is not a full god.  You’re gonna have to
travel on foot while you’re holding him.  Oh, what am I sayin’?
Take a horse!”

I:  “Get Nemesis, first!  I’ll take my chances!”

H:  “I’d say your chances are close to zero.”

I:  “Yeah?  Well, that’s better than nothing!”

H:  “Just, hang on, buddy.”

I:  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Whoa!  Oh!”

Nemesis:  “Ares has won, hasn’t he?!”

H:  “No way-- all we have to do is follow the horse.”


Discord:  “I should’ve known.  Ares has thousands of children.
Why are you so special?  Didn’t tell me you were his-- that he’d
been with her-- Nemesis!  He’ll go back, too--  like they all do.
And she’ll never refuse him-- not as long as he’s got you.  But
if he didn’t have you.  I’ve heard a mortal can drown in only a
dipper of water.  And a baby would take a lot less.”

Ares:  “An ocean wouldn’t be enough.  He’s my son.  You don’t
wanna try me.”

Discord:  “And you-- don’t wanna underestimate _me_!”


Nemesis:  “You were right.  This is the place.  That’s Meniskos--
the man Ares sent after us.”

Warrior’s Voice:  “No sign of Hercules or Iolaus.”

H:  “Come on.  Evander’s inside.”


Meniskos:  “It never fails.  Ares handpicks a general for his
service-- a general with a record _scratched_ in blood-- a superb
tactician-- a military genius!  But, as soon as he feels the hand
of Ares-- as _soon_ as he is called into Ares’ personal service--
he becomes a boob!  It’s happened to others-- and now, it has
happened to me.  I wish I were back in the field.  How I would
welcome an afternoon of pillage.  This is so degrading!”

Ares:  “Unhappy with your commission, Meniskos?”

Meniskos:  “I was-- just explaining how a mortal soldier compares
poorly to the brilliance of a god of war.”

Ares:  “Oh.  Meet Evander-- my son.  Evander?  Isn’t this
perfect?  Imagine Hercules suspended in mid-air?  What good would
his strength do him then, huh?”

Meniskos:  “Not much-- and I do think.”

Ares:  “Now Discord, please.”

Discord:  “Say goodbye to Daddy.”

Ares:  “Discord!  Get my son away from her!”


H:  “Discord!  Give me the baby.”

Ares:  “After her!”

Meniskos:  “I don’t think we should provoke her.”

Ares:  “Provoke _her_?!”

Discord:  “Ares!  You deceived me, Ares!”

Ares:  “Discord!  I’ll pen you in a catacomb for eternity!”

Nemesis:  “Noooo!”

Ares:  “Nice catch.”

Meniskos [?]:  “Kill him!”

[Big fight scene breaks out.]

Nemesis:  “Hercules!  Look out!”

H:  “Ares!”

Nemesis:  “You tried to _kill_ him!”

Discord:  “Yes!  But this is much better!  This is what I

[A lot more fighting]

Discord:  “Ahhhhh!”

Ares:  “Don’t be foolish, Brother.  He’s mine.”

H:  “Evander.”

Evander:  “Huh?”

H:  “Go to Mommy.  Come on.  Go to Mommy.”

[Ares and H fight throughout.]

Ares:  “Whoooaaaaaa!  Whooooaaaaaaa!”

I:  “Ahhhhhhh!”

Ares:  “Uhhh!  Ahhhh!  Take this.”

I:  [Laughs]

Ares:  “Give me that!”

[Ares and H beat each other senseless.]

Ares:  “Ahhhhhhhhh!  You can _keep_ the brat!  It’s not worth the
aggravation.  He’s too much like you.  But I’ll be seeing you
again, Brother.”

H:  “Every time you turn around, Brother.”


Nemesis:  “Ohh-- thank you-- both of you-- for bringing us home

I:  “Well-- I g-guess we’ll you again-- real soon.  I’ll meet you
at the bridge.”

H:  “You gonna be OK?”

Nemesis:  “As long as I’ve got you to turn to.”

H:  “You do.  You know that.”

Nemesis:  “Well, I’ll-- I’ll leave you to say bye to Evander.”

H:  “Hey, Evander.  I’ll be back to see you-- every chance I get.
And before you know it-- I’ll be teaching you how to wrestle!
And throw the discus.  You don’t know it now-- but, one day--
you’ll realize you’re different.  And you’ll wanna be like
everyone else-- but you never will be.  You’re special.  You’re
_very_-- special.  And that means you can make a difference.
It’s not an easy life to live.  But-- I’ll be around to help.  I
will always be there for you-- always.”


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