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“Porkules”  Episode 75/416


Ares:  “Uh!  Huh.  Huh?”

Discord:  “Redecorating?  Still upset about Strife, huh?  He was a geek with the IQ of a sponge.  Take my word for it-- he’s better off dead.”

Ares:  “Still-- he _was_ fun to kick around.”

Discord:  “I think I may have found a way to cheer you up.”

Ares:  “Oh-- let me guess.  You hatched a plan to rid the world of my overrated half-brother.  So, what else is new?”

Discord:  “All right-- enough’s enough.  Snap out of it.  You’re starting to become a real drag.”

Ares:  “Why, Discord-- I’d forgotten what a temper you have.”

Discord:  “I know we haven’t been the best of-- friends, lately.  So, why don’t you let me make it up to you?”

Ares:  “Oh-- what did you have in mind?”

Discord:  “Why spoil the fun?  Let me just say that, by the end of the day-- you’ll be so-- tickled-- you’ll want me to be your second-in-command.”

Ares:  “Strife’s body’s not even cold, yet.  You have no shame!  And I _like_ your style!”

Discord:  “Oh, baby-- there’s a whole lot more of me to like-- if you know where to look.”

Ares:  “Oh, you know I do.  Go-- impress me.”


I:  “So, the bear sits down.  The tavernkeeper says, ‘You know?  [Clears throat]  We don’t get too many bears in here.’  And the bear says, ‘Well-- at these prices, I’m not surprised!’”  [Laughs]

H:  “OK, I guess that one was kind of funny.”

I:  “You know?  Um-- usually, when people say something’s funny, they like-- laugh?”

H:  “Sorry.”

I:  “Well, at least Jason’ll find it a hoot.  He’s got a sense of humor.”

H:  “Ah, I’ve got a sense of humor.  I just, uh-- exercise it wisely.”

I:  “Oh, ho, ho, ho.  You know?  I can’t believe Jason and Alcmene are celebrating their second anniversary.”

H:  “Hmm.”

I:  “Boy, time flies.”

H:  “That’s not the only thing.”

I:  “Huh?”

Hermes:  “Whoo-hoo!  What’s up, Herc?”

H:  “You are.  Oh, Iolaus-- meet Hermes, the messenger of the gods.”

I:  “Hi.”

Hermes:  “All riiiight.  You guys are my last gig of the day.  It’s a good thing, too-- my feet are _killing_ me.”

H:  “Well-- so, do you have a message for me?”

Hermes:  “Of course, I’ve got a message for ya.  Uh, it says here, someone swiped Artemis’ bow from her temple.  She’s all tied up at Olympus, and wants you to help her out.”

H:  “Somebody stole Artemis’ bow?”

Herme:  “What did I just say?  Didn’t I just say that?”  

I:  “Well, Hercules-- it looks like we’re gonna be late arriving at your mother’s.”

H:  “Uh, it shouldn’t take too long.  I think I have a _pretty_ good idea who we’re looking for.”

I:  “Autolycus!  Last time I saw that two-bit hustler, he almost got me killed.”

H:  “Well, I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you, too.”

Hermes:  “Well, I gotta bail.  I’m cruisin’ over the palladium later-- t’check out the mud wrestling.  [Whistles]  It’s real dirty, if you know what I mean.  Later, dudes!  Whoo-hoo!”

I:  “Let me guess, um-- he and Aphrodite, are-- like, uh, _tight_, man.”

H:  “Or, like, uh-- totally, dude.”


Soldier:  “Two for you.  Two for you.  Now, that’s the last of it.  You three-- take the king’s gold to his vault.  You!  Stand guard.”

Autolycus [Auto]:  “Yes, sir.  You can count on me-- to take as much as I can carry while you’re gone.  Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.  Ha-ha-ha.  Hercules!  Ah-- whatever your name is.  What a pleasant surprise!”

H:  “I wish I could say the same, Autolycus.  Isn’t stealing the king’s gold a little beneath you?”

Auto:  “How good of you to notice.  You see, I figure, every so often, a fella just _has_ to go back to basics.  Besides, the king-- ahh, he’s plenty rich.  What about the needs of the people?”

I:  “Oh, come on!  You don’t care about the people.”

Auto:  “Of course, I do-- I happen to be one of ‘em.  Well-- as much as I’ve enjoyed this little reunion, I haven’t enjoyed it-- that much.  Good day.  Uh-- ahhh!”

H:  “Where’s Artemis’ bow?”

Auto:  “Ah-- my fame spreads like wildfire.”

I:  “Nope-- like a bad rash.”

Auto:  “Oh-- fellas, admit it.  You’re impressed.  How many mortals can steal from a god and get away with it?”

H:  “You didn’t get away with it.  We’re here to take it back.”

Auto:  “Oh, right, uh-- well, I’d love to help you out-- I really would-- but, the problem is, uh-- I sold it.  Oh!  Ah.”

H:  “You sold it?!  To whom?”

Auto:  “If I told you, I would be violating the sanctity of the thief-client relationship.”

H:  “Autolycus, you’re not gonna fast-talk your way out of this one.”

Auto:  “Oh, all right, I’ll tell you.”  [Discord shoots H with arrow]

H:  “Ah!  Ow, that-- hurts.”  [Turns into a piglet]

Discord:  [Chuckles]  “The other white meat.”

Auto and I:  “Hercules?”



I:  “Hercules!”

Auto:  “Has he ever done this before?”

I:  “I can’t believe this!  You!  This is _your_ fault!”

Auto:  “Me?!  What?!  I didn’t want this to happen!  I didn’t turn him into a pig.”

I:  “Yeah, well-- whoever had the bow _did_!  I hope it was worth it.”

Auto:  “Hey, hey-- I didn’t just do it for the money.”

I:  “Oh, that’s big of you.”

Auto:  “You see, when you are the single most gifted thief that ever lived, you’ve gotta find new ways to _challenge_ yourself.  Stealing from a god seemed like a good start.”

I:  “You need your head read!  Now, listen-- who has the bow?”

Auto:  “Well, I didn’t catch her name, uh-- black hair, black leather, sort of sexy in a tie-me-down-and-hurt-me kind of way.”

I:  “Oh-- Discord.  You sold Artemis’ bow to Discord!”

Auto:  “Well, how was I supposed to know who she was?!”

I:  “Can you believe this guy?!  Yeah, uh-- you, know, we’re gonna have to go and find a way to get that bow back.  Come on-- Herc.”

Soldier:  “Let’s go, men.  Huh?”


Ares:  [Laughs]

Discord:  “Am I good?  Or am I _bad_?”

Ares:  “Oh, the worst-- no, you, you’ve-- outdone yourself this time.”

Discord:  “I have, haven’t I?  Hmm.”

Ares:  “I suppose [clears throat and wipes eye]-- my brother-- is gonna hafta change his name to, um-- Porkules!”  [Ares and Discord laugh.]

Discord:  “Ah-- admit it-- you’ve missed me.”

Ares:  “Ohhhh-- let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  This is almost as good as killing Hercules-- almost.  Unfortunately, pig or no pig-- Zeus’s decree still protects the little-- oinker.”

Discord:  “True-- we may not be able to kill Hercules-- but it’s gonna be a whole lot easier for someone else to-- and I think I know just the man for the job.”


Auto:  “Say, uh-- where are we going?”

I:  “Where there’s Discord, there’s Ares.  We’ve gotta get to his temple to get the bow.  It’s the only thing that can turn Hercules back into himself.”

Auto:  “Oh-ho, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-- Ares?  As in-- god of war, Ares?”

I:  “Yeah?”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha.  Well give him my regards.  Tell him I really loved what he did with that whole Troy thing.”

I:  “Now, wait a minute!  Hercules has done an awful lot for you.  You owe him.”

Auto:  “Listen-- you and I both know, if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him.  Besides-- he _loves_ being a pig.  Just look at the little guy.  Ahhh!”

I:  “This is all just a joke to you, isn’t it?”

Auto:  “You little-- ”

I:  “Well, let me tell you something, buddy.  Hercules is the _best_ friend I ever had-- and yeah, you’re right-- he wouldn’t want us to risk our necks to save him-- which is exactly why we’re _going_ to.  Now, he’d do the same for me-- even for you.”

Auto:  “Well, much as I hate to admit it, you’ve got a point.”

I:  “Right.  Now, come on.”

Auto:  “Just one more thing, buddy-boy.  You touch me again and I’ll-- ”

I:  “What?”

Auto:  “I’ll--- be just as upset then as I am now?”


Colchis:  “Discord-- my black rose.  Where have you been?”

Discord:  “Don’t start getting possessive on me, Colchis.  You’re lucky I’m consorting with a mortal at all.”

Colchis:  “Consort?  Interesting choice of words for what we’ve done together.”

Discord:  [Laughs]  “Don’t flatter yourself, lover.  I’ve been around since time began. You couldn’t even begin to count the notches on my bedpost.”

Colchis:  “What can I say?  I love a woman with experience.”

Discord:  “I want you to do something for me.”

Colchis:  “I hope it involves candlewax.” 

Discord:  “You say the sweetest things-- but no, it involves a pig.”

Colchis:  “I’ll try anything once.”

Discord:  “No, you moron-- I’m talking about a very special pig-- a pig I want you to kill.”

Colchis:  “But Discord, I’m the best hunter in the world.  Why would I wanna kill a pig?”

Discord:  “Because _this_ pig_-- is Hercules.”


Woman’s Voice:  “Here-- try this.”

I:  “It’s Ok, Herc.  Yeah, I know.”

Vendor:  “Hey-- I’ll give ya ten dinar for that pig.”

I:  “Uh-- no thanks.  He’s-- kind of a-- family friend.”

Auto:  “Make it fifteen and I’ll throw in the pants.  Don’t get your tail in a curl, Hercules.  I was joking.”

I:  “Yeah-- you’d sell your own mother if the price was right.”

Auto:  “You better stop looking down your nose at me, Blondie.  I’ve had it up to my mustache with your insults.”

I:  “The truth hurts, doesn’t it?”

Auto:  “Yeah, so does my fist.”

I:  “Oh, yeah?”

Auto:  “Uh-huh.”

I:  “Yeah?”

Auto:  “Yeah.”

Colchis:  “Hand over the pig!  Or suffer Discord’s wrath.”

Auto:  “Now, I suppose this is my fault, too.”

I:  “No, it’s my fault for bothering to argue with a chiseler like you.”

Colchis:  “Surrender!”

Auto:  “A wise move.  Now-- throw down your weapons, and say you’re sorry!  Pass me the pig.”

I:  “What?”

Auto:  “Pass me the pig and I’ll get him outta here.”

I:  “Are you kidding?  I wouldn’t trust you with my whole lunch order.”

I:  “Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  Herc!  Wait!”  

Auto:  “Hercules.”

Colchis:  “The hounds!”

Auto:  “Oh-- way to fumble the pig-skin, pal.”

I:  “Hey, don’t start with me!”

Auto:  “Why?  What’re you gonna do?”

Colchis:  “Get them!”

[Beginning of big fight]

[Porkules beats up dogs off-screen.]


[Fight continues]

Colchis:  “Get in there!”

[More fighting]

Warrior:  “Ahhhhhhhh!”

Colchis:  “After them!”

Auto:  “Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!”

I:  “Gang way!  Come on!  Over here!”

Auto:  “Thank you!”

I:  “Thanks!”


Butcher:  “Well-- ain’t you a well-dressed little morsel?  And I just felt like some pork chops tonight.”  [Laughs]



I:  “Herc-- where’d he go?  Hercules!”

Colchis:  “This time-- there’s no escape!”

[More fighting]

Auto:  “Ha-ha!  Oh!”

I:  “Ha-ha!  Ha-ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!”

Auto:  “That’s right-- spread the word!  I’m a lover _and_ a fighter!”

I:  “Come on-- we gotta get that wagon!”

Colchis:  “Ahhh!”


But:  “Yah!  Yah!”

Catherine [Cath]:  “Hi, there.  Nice day for a ride, don’t you think?”

Porkules [Pork]:  “Huh?”

Cath:  “I’m Catherine.  It’s nice to have some company.”

Pork:  “Uh-- are-are-are you talking-- to me?”

Cath:  “Who else would I be talking to?”

Pork:  “No offense, but y-you’re-- you’re a pig.”

Cath:  “Well, have you seen your reflection in the river, lately?  I hate to break it to you, but-- you’re a pig, too.”

Pork:  “Good point.”

Cath:  “So, you got a name, or what?”

Pork:  “I’m-- Hercules.”

Cath:  [Chuckles]  “Yeah-- sure-- and I’m Aphrodite.”

Pork:  “I-- I guess I don’t blame you for not believing me, but, I’m telling you the truth.”

Cath:  “OK, I’ll play along.  If you’re really the son of Zeus-- show me how strong you are.”

Pork:  “I can’t.  The truth is, I’m having a little trouble getting used to this body.”

Cath:  “I’m not.”

Pork:  “Oh, boy.”


Auto:  “Slow down, will ya?!”

I:  “We can’t afford to slow down!  We gotta get Hercules, before those killers do!”

Auto:  “You know, for your information, if you had trusted me back there-- Hercules would be safe and sound right about now.”

I:  “Yeah, or maybe you’d’a sold him off to the highest bidder.”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha.  You’ve got me all wrong, Curly.  You know, I may be a thief, but there are some things that even _I_ won’t do.”

I:  “Like what?!”

Auto:  “Like-- I won’t drink red wine with fish.”

I:  “Ah!”

Auto:  “I won’t eat the horse I rode in on.  And I would never-- never sell out a friend-- which, of course, does not apply to you.”

I:  “Yeah, well-- thanks for clearing that up.  Oh, boy.  There’s gotta be over a dozen tracks, here.  Hah-- we got a lot of ground to cover.”

Auto:  “Oh-- hold your camels, Cleopatra.  My feet are killing me.”

I:  “Wait a minute.  That’s it-- feet!  You know?  If we had Hermes’ sandals-- we could cover this entire province in no time!”

Auto:  “Oh, ho-ho-- sure!  And he’ll be more than happy to give ‘em to us.  Have you lost a wagon wheel?”

I:  “Wait a second!  Aren’t you the king of thieves?  Oh-- not up to the challenge, huh?” 

Auto:  “Oh, I see how you are, Mr. Morals-- stealing is OK, as long as it suits you, huh?”

I:  “Listen, we don’t have a choice!  Besides, we can return the sandals after we’re done.”

Auto:  “All right-- I’ll help you steal those sandals, but we do it my way-- Capeche (sp?)?” 

I:  “Yeah-- sure.  Now, come on!  I know where we can find Hermes!”

Auto:  “Oh, you gotta be kiddin’ me.”

I:  “Come on!  Get the lead out!”

Auto:  “Yeah-- yeah.”


Butcher:  “Yah!  Giddap!  Come on-- yah!”

Cath:  “I knew there was more to life than the farm, but I didn’t realize the world was so big.”

Pork:  “How’d you get here, anyway?”

Cath:  “See?  My folks are what you call traditional.  They still treat me like a baby.  So I ran away.”

Pork:  “Your parents are probably worried about you, Catherine.  The world’s a dangerous place.”

Cath:  “Yeah?  Well-- thanks, Hercules, but I can take care of myself.”


Discord:  “Well, Colchis-- your little outing today was a complete success-- if you were looking to _embarrass_ yourself.”

Colchis:  “It’s not my fault, Discord.  I’ve never seen ham run so fast.”

Discord:  “If you don’t find that pig-- you’re name’s mud.”

Colchis:  “I love it when you talk dirty.”

Discord:  “Let me put it to you another way-- no pork-- no party.”

Colchis:  “Why didn’t you say so in the first place?  I’ll find him.”

Ares:  “So-- this is where you spend your nights.  Classy.  I can see why you’ve been so secretive-- playing house with that pathetic excuse for a warrior.”

Discord:  “There’s nothing wrong with a little-- diversion from time to time.  Besides-- you’ve been such a party-pooper, lately-- and you know how I hate to sleep alone.”

Ares:  “Make no mistake, Discord-- if your little taxidermist fails again-- I’ll make sure he sleeps six feet underground.”

Discord:  “Stay out of this, Ares.  If Colchis fails me, I’ll deal with him-- in my own way.”

Ares:  “If I didn’t know you better-- I’d say you actually _cared_ for that knuckle-dragger.”

Discord:  “And if I didn’t know you better-- I’d say you were jealous.”  [Makes kissing noise]

[Mud fight]

Man’s Voice:  “I give her six-to-one odds!”

Hermes:  “All right!”  [Laughs]

I [aside to Auto]:  “This thing itches.”

Auto [aside to I]:  “Well, you said he knows what you look like.  Now, just keep your yap shut-- and let me do the talkin’.”

I [aside to Auto]:  “OK.”

Auto/Masseur:  “You, sir.”

Hermes:  “Ah, me?”

Auto/Masseur:  “If I’m not mistaken-- and I never am-- you’re a god, aren’t you?”

Hermes:  “Yeah?”

Auto/Masseur:  “Doesn’t mean-- you don’t get tired-- am I right?”

Hermes:  “Hmm.”

Auto/Masseur:  “Let me ask you something.”

Hermes:  “Hmm?”

Auto/Masseur:  “Are you-- overworked?  Underpaid?  And altogether unappreciated?  Ha-ha!  Well, brother-- we got the cure for what ails you.”

Hermes:  “You have?”

Auto/Masseur:  “We certainly do.  Why, our fine line of skin-care products-- will leave you feeling _fresh_ as the day Zeus made you.  We start out with sandalwood oil-- and a brisk massage to loosen up those aching muscles.”

Hermes:  “But I don’t-- !”

Auto/Masseur:  “Kids, don’t try this at home.  We follow that with a very rare mud-- brought in from the banks of the river-- Legasus-- opens the pores-- elongs elasticity-- and curls the chest hair.”

Hermes:  “Haven’t I seen you some-- ?”

I/Masseur:  “Nope!”

Auto/Masseur:  “And last but not least-- our own special concoction-- reticulated rhubarb oil-- smuggled across the sea by seven Vestal virgins.  Where they hid the rhubarb-- I can only imagine.” 

Hermes:  “No way.”

Auto/Masseur:  “Oh, yes, my friend-- big way.  Now, you just lie there, and let our goodies work their magic, eh?  And if you’re not satisfied with the results, you come and see us for a full refund-- ” 

Auto [aside to I]:  “-- if you can find us.  Quick, let’s am-scray.”

I  [aside to Auto]:  “Pig Latin-- huh-- how appropriate.”

Hermes:  “Hmm-- rhubarb, huh?”


Cath:  “I got a bad feeling about this place.”

Pork:  “Listen, I promise, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Sheep [Woolus]:  “The pig’s right.  We’ve gotta find a way out of here.”

Goose:  “Relax, Woolus.  Three meals a day-- warm place to sleep-- could be worse.”

Woolus:  “Uh-uh, no.  Remember Cluckus-- that rooster, who thought he owned the place?  They took him away.  We never heard from him again.”

Goose:  “What you talkin’ about, Woolus?”

Cow:  “Why on Earth would anyone want to hurt us?”

Pork:  “For food-- I’m sorry to tell you this, but-- we’re in a slaughterhouse.  And the man who brought us here is a butcher.”

Cow:  “What do you know?!  You’re just a common pig!”

Parrot:  “Maybe so, Daddy-O-- but he’s a pig with a point.  Truth of it is-- I’ve seen animals like you come and go for years.  I’m sorry, folks-- there’s nothin’ you can do.”


Auto:  “So, tell me-- what was it like watching the king of thieves in action?”

I:  “From what I saw, I’m surprised you’re not in prison already.”

Auto:  “In case you haven’t noticed, I swindled two gods in one day.  Now-- ha-ha-- I hate to toot my own horn, but, uh-- toot, toot.”

I:  “For your information-- I used to be a thief-- and _you_ are nothing special.”

Auto:  “Well, then it all makes perfect sense. You’re jealous!”

I:  “Of you?  Ha!”

Auto:  “Hey-- denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Curly.  You look at me, and you see everything you wish you were-- everything you could have been, today.”

I:  “Now, listen you!  I was ten times the thief you are!”

Auto:  “‘Was’ being the operative word.  Now look at you.  You’re nothing but a waterboy to a half-god.  No!  To a pig!”

I:  “Well, that’s because I know that-- that making a living out of other people’s hard work is nothing different than being a, a-- !”

Auto:  “Parasite?”

I:  “Parasite, yeah!”

Auto:  “Say, how’s the weather up there on your-- high horse?!”

I:  “Oh-- oh.  You should tell me.”

Auto:  “Well, it’s a little windy, actually, I-- ooh!  Ohh!  Ooh!  Iolaus, I-- oh, ahh!  Ooh!  Ohh!  Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!  Look, Ma-- no hands!  Ohh.  How about that?  I could get used to this god thing.  Hey!  Ooh!  Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!  Ooh-hoo-hoo!  Whoa-ho-ho-hoo!  Whoo-hoo-hoo-ho!  Whoo!  Hee!  Whoa!  Whoa!  He-he-he-he!  Whoa!  Stop this crazy thing!”  [Takes off, yelling all the way]


Butcher:  “Shut up, all of ya!  And this little pig-- went wee-wee-wee-wee-wee!  All the way to the chopping-block!”  [Laughs]



Butcher:  “OK, little guy-- this is gonna be fast and painless!”  [Laughs]


Auto:  [Yells]

I:  “Autolycus!  Come on!  Fly straight!  Hey!  Hey!”


Pork:  “OK-- think, Herc.”


Pork:  “Good timing.  Excuse me.  Out of the way-- coming through”


Pork:  “You miss me?”

Cath:  “You really _are_ Hercules!”

Pork:  “Time to get out of here-- follow me.”

Cath:  “Right behind you.”


Woolus:  “Baa!  We’re free!  We’re free!  Whoo-hoo!”

Cow:  “Now’s our chance.  Quickly, everyone!”


Auto:  “I gotta tell ya-- this whole flying thing is for the birds!”

I:  “You all right?”

Auto:  “What do _you_ care?”

I:  “Hey-- just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean to say I want you _dead_ or anything.”

Auto:  “Iolaus, that’s almost a nice thing to say.”

I:  “Well-- don’t let it go to your head.  Where’s Hercules?”

Auto:  “Huh.”


Cath:  “You-- you came back to save us-- even though you could’ve been killed!”

Pork:  “I promised I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, and-- ”

Cath:  “You were right-- the world’s a dangerous place.  I didn’t know people could be so cruel.”

Pork:  “Yes, they can.  But-- they’re not all bad.”

Cath:  “If you’re really one of them-- I guess that’s true.  I owe you.”

Parrot:  “You said it.  Hallelujah!  Free at last.  Thanks, Hercules.”

Pork:  “You’re welcome.”

I:  “Hercules.  Hey.  Come on.  Thank the gods you’re OK.”

Parrot:  “Pig says, ‘It’s good to see you, too.’”

Auto:  “Wait a minute.  Are you saying-- y-you understand him?”

Parrot:  “Of course, I can.  [Squawks]  That’s the problem with you humans.  You never take the time to listen to us animals.”

Auto:  “You know, it’s not bad enough I have to listen to you lecture to me all day.  Now, I gotta take it from bird-brain, here.”

Parrot:  “Now, now-- let’s not forget, I can jump off this here branch, and decorate your head, faster than you can say, ‘Sasquatch.’”

Auto:  “Sasquatch!”

I:  “Will you just stop it!  Discord’s men are still on the prowl!  We gotta get to someplace safe!”

Parrot:  “Pig says, ‘We’ll be safe at Alcmene’s.’”  [Squawks]

I:  “Good thinking, Herc.  Come on.  Let’s go there.  Oh, uh-- would you mind coming with us?  We could-- do with a translator.”

Parrot:  “Yeah-- I got nothin’ better to do.  By the way-- you got any crackers?”

I:  “Better not mess up my shoulder, pal.”


Alcmene:  “Jason-- I’m worried.  Hercules was supposed to be here before lunch.”

Jason:  “Aw, he’ll be along, soon enough.  Sweetheart-- if we had a dinar for everytime Hercules was late because he stopped to help somebody, we’d be rich by now.”

Alcmene:  [Chuckles]

I:  “Hope she’s not roasting pork.  Alcmene!”

Jason:  “There-- what did I tell you?”

Alc:  “Iolaus, where have you been?”

Jason:  “Why is that pig dressed like Hercules?”

I:  “Well-- ”

Auto:  “Allow me to explain.  You see-- who’s to say one lifestyle is better than another?  Why-- just the other day, I ran into a gnome-- a little fella.”

I:  “Will you shut up?!  Alcmene-- Hercules is-- ”

Alcmene:  “-- going to be late.”

I:  “No, no-- um-- he’s-- ”  

Jason:  “He’s not coming, is he?”

I:  “There’s no easy way to say this.  [Clears throat]  Alcmene-- this pig-- is-- Hercules.”

Alcmene:  [Laughs]  “Oh, Iolaus, is this one of your practical jokes?”

I:  “I’m aftraid not.”

Alcmene:  “Hercules?”  [Faints]

Auto:  “Oh, that was smooth.”


Colchis:  “Two pigs-- two men-- one walking with a heavier gait.  He has something on his shoulder-- a bird of some kind.  And look-- the sideways shuffle of the pig on the left indicates-- she can’t keep her eyes off the pig on the right.  Hercules!  Shouldn’t be far, now.”


Jason:  “Sweetheart-- you all right?”

Alcmene:  “Oh, Jason, I-I had the worst dream.  Hercules was turned into a pig.”

Jason:  “I’m afraid that was no dream.”

Alcmene:  “But-- how?”

I:  “Well-- it’s a-- long story, Alcmene, uh-- let’s just say that-- Ares and Discord are up to their old tricks.”

Alcmene:  “Hercules-- come here, Sweetheart.  You know, it doesn’t matter.  I still love you.  I always will.”

Jason:  “And that goes for me too, buddy.”

Alcmene:  “By the way-- who’s your friend?”

Parrot:  [Squawks]  “That’s Catherine.  You’re son rescued us from a butcher, Ma’am.”  [Squawks]

Jason:  “I told you he was helping someone.”

Auto:  “So, you got yourself a new girlfriend, huh?  You deviled ham, you.”

I:  “Oh, please.”

Alcmene:  “Any friend of Hercules is welcome in our home.  She seems-- very sweet, Son.”


Colchis:  “Light ‘em up, men.  Be ready!  Little pig-- little pig!  Let me in or I’ll huff ‘n’ I’ll puff, and I’ll-- burn your house down!”

Warriors:  [Cheer]



Alc:  “What are we gonna do?”

I:  “We’re gonna fight.  That’s what we’re gonna do.”

Auto:  “Yeah, we’re gonna-- we’re gonna do what?”

Pork:  “Stay close to me, Catherine, I-- ”

Cath:  “My turn to help you, Hercules.”

Pork:  “No!  Catherine, wait!”


Colchis:  “There he is!  Grab him!”

Warriors:  “Yeah!”  “Yeah!”  “There he is!”  “Yeah!”  “Alley-oop!”

Colchis:  “Too easy.  Discord _will_ be pleased.  To the temple!”

Warriors:  [Cheer]


Auto:  “Oh, those morons-- they got the wrong pig!”

I:  “Yeah-- but if know my pal-- we’re about to embark on a rescue mission.”

Auto:  “Not to mention, we still need that bow.”

I:  “Oh-ho-ho-- well, well, well-- ”

Auto:  “What?  What did I do now?”

I:  “Well, for a moment there, it sounded like you cared.”

Auto:  “Yeah, well-- don’t let it go to your head.”

Jason:  “So, what are we waiting for?”

Parrot:  [Squawks]  “Uh-huh-- right on!  [Squawks]  The sandals?  Ah-- OK, then.  Listen up, everybody-- here’s the plan.”  [Squawks]


Discord:  “All right-- let’s see the sausage.”

Colchis:  “I thought you’d never ask.”

Discord:  “Cool it, Colchis.  I’m talking about the pig.”

Colchis:  “Of course.  Well, my little love-muffin-- are you ready to Rumba?”

Discord:  “You idiot!  This isn’t Hercules!”

Colchis:  “What?!”

Discord:  “That pig’s a girl!”

Ares:  “Well, Discord-- I’m afraid your-- boy-toy-- has embarrassed us long enough.”

Colchis:  “No-- please-- give me one more chance.”

Ares:  “Hey!  You’re fired.”

Colchis:  [Screams as he’s fried]


Alcmene:  “Oh, boys-- excuse me.  I’m lost.  Can you help me?  Look out!  Well, that’s what happens when you mess with _my_ son.”

Jason:  “Can you take care of him?”

Alcmene:  “My pleasure.”


Discord:  “I wasn’t _done_ with him yet!”

Ares:  “Well, I _was_.”

Discord:  “You had no right!”

Ares:  “And you have no taste!  I’ve seen more imposing shrubs!”

Discord:  “Oh, puhlease!  Don’t even get me started on the sleazes that slink out of your temple in the morning!”

Ares:  “We-ell, the mortal, the merrier-- that’s what I always say.”

Discord:  “It’s disgusting!”

Ares:  “Oh-ho!  Sounds like jealousy to me.”

Discord:  “In your-- ”

Auto:  “Ooh!”

Discord:  “-- wildest-- ”

Auto:  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ha-ha-ha-- don’t let me interrupt.  I just, uh-- dropped in to repo the bow.  This particular brand, you see, has been recalled, and well-- I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt--especially me.  [Screams]  Ooh!  [Coughs]  Wow, that hurt.”


I:  “Wah!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Wahhh!”

Ares:  “Ahh.”

Auto:  “Ha-ha!  Ha.  Oooh!  Let-- me-- have it!”  [Discord lets him have it.]

Ares:  “I don’t remember inviting you to the barbeque-- but if you insist.”

[Pork flips Ares.]

Discord:  “You want it?  You’ve got it.”

Auto:  “Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Not the face!  Not the face!  Oh, little birdie-- ha.”

I:  “Way to go, Favio.”

Discord:  “Ahhh!”

Auto:  “Ha-ha.  What’s the matter, Discord?  Chicken?”

I:  “Unless you wanna be the god of gophers-- you better make like a tornado-- and blow.”

Ares:  “I won’t forget this.  You!  Are on my list.”

I:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.  Hey!  Don’t forget your chicken.”

Auto:  [Under his breath]  “Anytime, anywhere.”

[Jason and I laugh.]

Cath:  “Hercules!”

Pork:  “Don’t worry-- you’re safe, now.”

Cath:  “Thanks to you.”

Pork:  “Catherine-- what you did was very brave-- but you shouldn’t have risked your life for me.”

Cath:  “I owed you one.”

Pork:  “Well-- now we’re even.”


Cath:  “After all I’ve seen today-- I think I made a mistake, running away.”

Pork:  “You know, it’s not too late to go back.”

Cath:  “Will you-- come with me?”

Pork:  “It would be my pleasure to take you home.”

Cath:  “Hercules-- when you’re back in your body-- would you do me one last favor?”

Pork:  “Anything.”

Cath:  “Would you hold me-- like your mother held you?”

I:  “You ready, buddy?”

Alcmene:  “Hercules.”

H:  “Mother.”

Alcmene:  “It is _so_ good to have you back.”

H:  “It’s, uh-- good to be back, believe me.  Jason, I, uh-- look, I’m sorry I missed your anniversary.  I, uh-- haven’t been feeling myself, lately.”

Jason:  [Chuckles]  “Having you back’s good enough for us.”

Auto:  “I guess under-- different circumstances, we-- still would hate each other.”

I:  “Yeah-- well-- for once-- I agree with you.”

Auto:  “That’s a start.”

H:  “Glad to see you guys getting along so well-- ‘cause I’d like the two of you to do me a favor.”

Auto:  “Well, we took on three gods and saved your curly tail.  I guess we can help you out again.  Name it.”

H:  “First, I want you to bring those, uh-- sandals back to Hermes, before you hurt somebody?  And I’ll return Artemis’ bow myself-- on the way.”

I:  “Ah-- on the way?”

H:  “On the way to take a friend home-- like I promised.  Oh, Mother, uh-- I’ll-- I’ll write.”

Auto:  “He’s certifiable, you know that.”

I:  “Yeah-- but I wouldn’t have him any other way.”


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