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"Love, Amazon Style"  Episode 105/602


H:  "Iolaus, we have enough food."

I:  "No-- we have enough nuts and berries.  Tonight, we're gonna have _man_ food-- rabbit stew."

H:  "Huh-- I think-- you've caught every rabbit in this forest.  I'd be surprised if there's anything left."

I:  "Yeah.  I am kind of-- public enemy number one to the rabbit community-- aren't I?"

H:  [Chuckles]

Aphrodite [Aph]  [Sighs]:  "Hi, guys."

H:  "Eh-- hi-- Sis.  Heh, you're lookin' kind of, uh-- "

Aph:  "-- bummed, I know.  I've got a case of the total blahs, and-- somebody told me that bareback riding would lighten my aura."

I:  "Um-- Aphrodite, when they said `bareback'-- they meant-- the horse-- "

Aph [Tsk]:  "Duh!  Why would I feel better if _he_ were naked?!"

I:  "Can't argue with that."

H:  "No.  So-- what's wrong?  You know, maybe we can help."

Aph:  "Aw, that's sweet, Bro, but-- I gotta fly this one solo.  Later."

I:  "Nice girl."

H:  "Yeah, she _is_ interesting.  I'm off."

I:  "OK.  Where you going?"

H:  "I-I'm not gonna wait around here for you to catch a rabbit that doesn't exist.  I'm going fishing."

I:  "Oh, ho-- yeah?  Well, if I never see a fish again, that'll be too soon!"

H:  "Yeah, yeah."

I [Interrupts]:  "And, you wait!  When you get back-- rabbit stew!"

H:  "Oh, I wouldn't count on it!"


Kayla [Kay]'s Voice:  "Give us strength!  [?] war!"

Kay:  "Artemis, goddess of the hunt-- protector of the Shimax Amazon tribe-- give us strength against our enemies-- independence-- from men!  Keep us strong-- and free!"

Amazons:  [Cheer]

Aph [Sighs]:  "Whoa!  Huh?!  Uh-h-h!  Grody!  Uh!  [Laughs]  Uh-- time to lose the doom and gloom and find a happy place, hagsters.  Rad idea, Secretarius!"

Amazon's Voice:  "Fight off the men!"

Aph:  "We'll give these girls a new attitude."

Amazons' Voices:  "What was that?"  "Did you feel that?"

Aph [Laughs]:  "What can I say?  It's a gift."  [Squeals]


I:  "You know-- I really would've caught something if you hadn't shown up."

H:  "Yeah, like-- giardia."

I:  "Hey-- what's going on?"

H:  "There's one way to find out."


Woman's Voice:  "Make your bets!  Make your bets!  Lay your money down!  There you go!"

Man's Voice:  "Yeah!"

I:  "Ha-ha, now _this_ is what I call a vacation."

Woman's Voice:  "Nope.  Sorry-- you lose!"

Amazon:  "Here!"

I:  "Check out all these waitresses in Amazon costumes."

H:  "Hmm."

An Amazon:  "Fruit."

Another Amazon:  "Here.  I hope you choke on it."

H:  "They're not costumes, Iolaus."

I:  "You mean-- they're real Amazons?!  Get out of town!"

Another Amazon:  "Right-- which way should I go?"

I:  "No-no-no-no-no.  I-I didn't-- "

Another Amazon:  "All right, already-- I'm out of here."

I:  "All I said was-- "

H:  "-- `get out of town.'  That's _exactly_ what she was doing.  This is weird."

Amazon's Voice:  "[?]  Sorry, you lose!"

H:  "And _that_-- explains why."

Deimos [Dei]:  "Thank you."

H and I:  "Deimos."

H:  "Hello, Deimos.  I'd like to speak with you."

Dei:  "Hmm-- I assure, you, Coz, these ladies are here of their own free will.  Tell him, ladies!"  [Laughs]

Amazons [Monotone]:  "We're here of our own free will."

Dei:  "Mm-m-m-m-m-m-- and there's nothing you can do about it!"  [Laughs]



Dei [Laughs]  :  "Hey, uh-- easy on the neck.  Uh, you-- you'll leave a mark.  Uh-h!"

I:  "Come on, Deimos-- since when do Amazons take orders from men?"

H:  "Yeah-- start explaining."

Dei:  "OK-- so I ran into these 'Zons in the woods.  And I'm like, `Oh-oh-- these babes could really tear me to shreds.'  Bing!  Then I realize, `Hey!  I'm a god!  What could they _possibly_ do to me?!'"

H:  "Would you get-- to the poit!?!"

Dei:  "So, I said, `Girls-- get over yourselves.'  The next thing I know, they're-- playing leapfrog!"

H:  "And you have _no_ idea how this happened?"

Dei:  "None-- other than the fact that-- I saw Aphrodite leaving-- not really."  [Laughs]

H:  "You don't-- get a whole lot of oxygen to the brain, do you?"

Dei:  "Oo-o-o-o-o-oh!  Sticks and stones, Hercules!  But, can you do-- this?!  We could do the, uh-- or we could go-- ladies!  Whoo-hoo!  I wanna see some enthusiasm, people!  [Laughs]  Smile!  Smile!"

Men's Voices:  "Yeah!"  "All right!"

Amazons:  "Huh!"

Men's Voices:  "Yeah!"

Dei:  "Yeah!  Showtime!"

Amazons:  "You lousy, no-good, son-of-a-- "  "Weasel!  I'll tear him a-- "  "Pond scum, all of you.  I'll rip `em apart limb by limb."

I:  "Is this a spell?"

H:  "Oh, it's _definitely_ a spell.  Uh-- I'm gonna find Aphrodite.  You stay here and keep the Amazons out of-- trouble."

Men's Voices:  "Hooray!"  "Look at that!"  [Cheer]


H:  "All right, Sis!  You put a spell on the Amazons, and I wanna know why!"

Aph:  "Uh-- take a chill pill, Bro.  I didn't do it on purpose.  I saw those hagsters doing their man-hating mantra, and I was like, `_Must_ these gals be so heinos?'"

H:  "So, you turned them into slaves?"

Aph:  "No!  I was just tryin' to lighten the vibe!  My powers have been all screwy, lately.  Every time I try to zap something, it comes out all backwards."

H:  "All right.  Come here and tell big brother what's wrong."

Aph [Crying]:  "Oh, Herc!  It's Heph!"

H:  "You and Hephaestus had a fight?"

Aph:  "It's over.  We're totally splitsville."

H:  "Yeah.  Well, _that_ explains it."

Aph:  "It also explains my new digs-- dig?  I thought some shopping might-- take the edge off."

H:  "Yeah.  Look-- your-your powers are messed up because you miss him."

Aph:  "Me?!  Miss that self-important windbag?!  Uh!  As if!  I'm going back to the mall!"

H:  "Wai-- !  That should solve everything-- yeah.  I am _not_-- in the mood for this."


I:  "I could-- help.  Um-- hey, um-- "

Man's Voice:  "Yeah!"

I:  "Hey.  Uh-- I-I'll take that."

Kay:  "I've got it."

I:  "No-no-no-- I'm here to help, OK?  So-- "

Kay:  "No.  I-I-I-- "

I:  "Look, if you _just_-- let-- go-- ah-h-h-h!  Oh-h-h-h."

Kay [Sarcastically]:  "Thanks a lot."

I:  "Sorry.  Uh-- name is Iolaus-- and you are?"

Kay:  "Very busy.  Now, leave me alone.  Kayla-- now, leave me alone."

I:  "Kayla, Kayla.  I'm here to help.  Why don't you try not listening?"

Kay:  "No, I'm trying to do that right now."

I:  "OK-- what if I _order_ you-- not to obey Deimos?"

Kay:  "It won't work.  Deimos has ordered us to ignore any command that contracicts his.  If I were you, I'd leave now, because after the spell is lifted-- my Amazon sisters and I are gonna kill _everyone_ who sawr [sic] us like this."

I:  "Oh, please."

Dei:  "Ooh!  Ooh!  Someone's got a _crush_ on you!"

I:  "Deimos?  Why can't you be more like your cousin?"

Dei:  "Strife-- he's dead."

I:  "Catch on quick, don'tcha?"

Dei:  "Oo-o-o-h-- scathing remark.  Ooh!  I'm hurt!  Especially, uh-- since I had my eye on you.  I could really use a go-getter like you to join my team.  We're talking-- hefty salaries-- year-end bonuses-- and the perks-- oh-oh!  The perks are so-- perky!  Ladies-- take care of Iolaus."

I:  "No-- Deimos, oh-h!  Uh, you don't have-- oh, oh, that's-- yeah.  Oh-h-h.  Lower.  Oh-oh-oh-oh.  Aw-w-- that's good.  Oh, yeah.  Yeah.  Right.  Ah-h.  Ah-h.  Hah-h-h-h-h-h.  Hah-h-h-h-h.  Ah-h-h-h.  Ah-h-h-h.  Ah.  Hi, Herc.  Huh.  Ah-h-h-h-h.  Herc?  Huh!  Herc.  Deimos-- so, uh-- how'd it go with Aphrodite?"

H:  "She and Hephaestus, uh-- split up.  It's affecting her powers, and these Amazons were at the wrong place at the wrong time.  I'm gonna try to get them back together again-- hopefully, you know, break the spell."

I:  "S-so, I-I should just stay here, right?!"

H:  "Yeah-- right.  Oh, a-and, Iolaus?"

I:  "Yeah?"

H:  "Behave."

I:  "Yeah-- right.  [Sighs]  Thanks."


Man's Voice:  "-- over there!"

Dei:  "Ta-ta!  My goody-two-shoes cousin."

Varg:  "Hey, Deimos-- aren't you worried that he's gonna mess up your plans?"

Dei:  "What, Hercules?  Aw, don't make me chuckle!  Once I get these Amazons to do what I want-- I'll squish him like a bug!"

Varg:  "You could _do_ that?"

Dei:  "Yes, my trusty, dimwitted companion.  What we're after will make-- _all_ the gods tremble in fear.  Zeus will bow down before me!"  [Laughs]

Varg:  "What's so funny?"

Dei:  "Shut up and laugh."  [Laughs]


H:  "Hephaestus!  Hey, Hephaestus!"

Hephaestus [Heph]:  "Hercules!  Hey!  It's been too long!"

H:  "It certainly has.  So, how have you been?"

Heph:  "Great.  Fine.  Couldn't be happier."

H:  "You sure?"

Heph:  "Ye-ah!  Hey!  Let me show you my latest invention.  I call it-- my automatic clothesline.  Now, you put your wet laundry in-- close her up-- push this button-- "

H:  "It's very impressive!  It works-- really well."

Heph:  "Lousy!  Good-for-nothin' piece of tin!  I'm sorry.  It's just-- lately, I can't seem to do anything right.  The slightest thing seems to send me into a murderous rage."

H:  "It's because you miss Aphrodite."

Heph:  "Ya had to mention _her_, didn't ya?!"

H:  "Now, why didn't I see that coming?"



H:  "Now, think about what you're doing!"


H:  "What are you thinking?!  What is wrong with yo-o-o-o-u?!  All right!  That's it!  Now, I'm mad!"

Heph:  "Let me go!"

H:  "Only if you promise to calm down."

Heph:  "OK-- I'm calm.  [Moans]  Look what I've done.  I don't know what's wrong with me."

H:  "Huh-- isn't it obvious?  You _miss_ her."

Heph:  "No way."

H:  "Please."

Heph:  "OK, sure-- maybe at first.  But now I realize how great it is to be single again!  Well, I can walk around all day naked-- belch whenever I want to-- eat with my hands."

H:  "Yeah, I can-- see your point.  Living like a-- disgusting hog sure beats being with the woman you love."

Heph:  "Ya got _that_ right.  Did Aphrodite mention me?"

H:  "She's not the same without you.  Now, why don't you just come back and work things out with her?"

Heph:  "Aw, it's no use.  I can't talk to her.  She's bored with me.  Face it, Herc-- the magic's gone.  S-s-s-oh-h-h-- I just can't do anything right!"

H:  "Look.  Look-- maybe the magic _is_ gone between you two.  I don't know.  But if there's even a chance that it's still there, don't you owe it to yourself to find out?  Huh?  I mean, come on-- "

Heph:  "I just don't know what to say to her."

H:  "I'll help."

Heph:  "How?"

H:  "We'll think of something."


Amazon's Voice:  "No more bets!  No more-- ."

I:  "Hi.  I've-- been lookin' for you."

Kay:  "Oh?  Need another girl for your harem?"

I:  "No-no, that was Deimos' idear [sic] of a job offer."

Kay:  "Ah-h-h, you work for Deimos now.  Figures."

I:  "I said no to him."

Kay:  "Uh-- how noble.  You want a medal?"

I:  "Look, not _all_ men are trying to hurt you, all right?!  Some of us are-- are decent, caring people."

Kay:  "OK, you've made your point.  You're not a pig.  So, after this curse is lifted, and I cut off your head-- I'll feel real bad about it."

I:  "I'm sensing a little hostility here.  Aw, Kayla, hey [Sighs]-- I know this is hard for you to understand, but I _care_ about you.  And as long as I'm here, I'll-- I'll try and not let anything happen to you and your sisters.  Where is everybody?"

Kay:  "Maybe the curse has been lifted."

I:  "Nah, that can't be the case-- you'd be playing marbles with my eyeballs right now."

Kay:  "True."


Dei:  [Laughs]

Varg:  "No luck so far.  Are you _sure_ one of these girls knows the secret?"

Dei:  "Patience, Varg-- ultimate power doesn't come easy.  [Laughs]  I've been thinking-- about my new title.  Which do you prefer?  `Deimos, the all-powerful' or `Deimos-- the omnipotent'?"  [Laughs]

Varg:  "Yeah, great.  Look, a couple of my men followed Hercules like you asked."

Dei:  "Mm-hmm."

Varg:  "It turns out, he went to see Hephaestus!"

Dei:  "Isn't _that_ interesting?  If Hephaestus gets back with Aphrodite-- her powers come back, and then our spell on the Amazons will be history!  All our dreams!  All our plans!  All ruined!"  [Sobs]

Varg:  "You're right.  Let's get out of here."

Dei:  "Yeah!  Relax-- Dufus!  A mere trifle for Deimos, god of gods, and a deity-- for all seasons."

Varg:  "Then, you've got a plan?"

Dei:  "Ding!  You betcha!"  [Laughs]

Sela [Sighs]:  "You sent for me, Deimos?"

Dei:  "Hm-m-m--m, yes, my succulent Sela.  I have a little, um-- job for you."  [Laughs]


Heph:  "'Dite-- Honey Bunny-- where are you?"

Aph:  "Hephie?  You have something you wanna say to me?"

Heph:  "Ah-h-h-h-- yeah-- baby-- ."

H [Whispers]:  "My heart is empty, my love-- "

Heph:  "My heart-- is empty, my love-- "

H [Whispers]:  "Because _you_, Aphrodite-- are the light of my life-- the fire in my soul-- my reason for living."

Heph:  "Hey, that's good."

H [Whispers]:  "Say it to _her_."

Heph [Whispers]:  "Oh, right-right, yeah.  [Normal Voice]  You-- are the fire of my life-- my sole reason for lighting-- "

H:  "Close enough."

Heph:  "That's close enough."

Aph:  "Excuse me?!"

Heph [Whispers]:  "Quick, we're losin' her."

H [Whispers]:  "Uh-- that's-- close enough-- because I-I-- fear your-- radiance might consume me."

Heph:  "Um-m-m-m-- huh-u-uh-uh-- I'm scared."
Aph:  "Oh-h-h, Hephie-- "

Heph [Whispers]:  "She bought it."

Aph:  "You don't have to be afraid of your little Honey Bunny.  Come here, you big hunk of man."

Sela:  "Hephie, baby!"

Heph:  "What?!  Who are you?!"

Sela:  "Very funny, Hephie baby.  We've put things off long enough.  Let's get hitched."

Aph:  "Uh!  A mortal?!  Could you, like-- stoop _any_ lower?!"

Heph:  "But-- she's nobody!  I mean, I don't even _know_ her!"

Aph:  "Oh!  So, you're cheating on me with some nobody you don't even _know_?!  Have a nice life!"

Sela:  "Sorry."


I:  "Hey-- what's going on?"

Man's Voice:  "I'll take one of those!"

Amazon's Voice:  "Take it easy, OK?"

Kay:  "I can't."

I:  "Uh-h-h-- Kayla-- "


I:  "Kayla-- Kayla!  Wait!  How can I help you if you won't talk to me?"

Kay:  "I can't.  We're forbidden to tell _anyone_, let alone a man."

I:  "Oh, wait!  Look, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry to do this to you, but it's the only way I can help you.  Now, tell me what's going on!"

Kay:  "There's a stone.  It gives mortals the powers of a god, and a god a power greater than Zeus."

H:  "Are you talking about the Cronos stone?  But Hercules destroyed that years ago."

Kay:  "Yeah, but Artemis gave us Amazons its remnants-- to help protect us against the gods."

I:  "And this is what Deimos wants."

Kay:  "Yeah he's questioned nearly every Amazon in my tribe."

I:  "And you're the only one that knows where it is.  So, when he questions you-- we gotta getcha outta here.  Oh-h!"

Dei:  "Woo-hoo!  Now-- did I hear something about-- a stone?"



Heph:  "What's the use?!  I mean, she's _never_ gonna forgive me now."

H:  "It wasn't your fault.  Hephaestus-- why don't you just go back to the forge and wait?  I'll find Aphrodite.  I-- I promise."

Heph:  "Whatever."

Aph:  "Hey, Bro."

H:  "Wow.  That was easy.  Ah-- look, there's been a big misunderstanding.  Hephaestus doesn't even know that woman."

Aph:  "I'm not talkin' about him.  I came to see you 'cause Curly's in trouble."

H:  "Iolaus?  What happened?"

Aph:  "Deimos went psycho on him-- like-- _that's_ a stretch-- ultimate power-- Cronos stone-- big Amazon secret-- yadda, yadda, yadda."

H:  "The Cronos stone.  He must be reassembling the pieces.  Why didn't you stop him?!"

Aph:  "Hel-- lo?  My powers are totally zonked, remember?"

H:  "And you're the only one who can change that.  You and Hephaestus have got to make up."

Aph:  "Uh-hah!  I don't think so!"

H:  "Aphrodite-- do you _really_ think-- he would have an affair with a mortal woman?  Huh?  I mean, come on, this was a setup!"

Aph:  "Well, it did seem sort of unlike him."

H:  "Of course, it was unlike him!  Now, go!  Make up with him!"

Aph:  "You just want me to get my powers back in order to save the Amazons."

H:  "That would be nice, too, but you two belong together!  Everybody knows that!  Come on, please-- just go!  Please.  [Sighs]  Why me?"


Varg:  "Come on!  Keep it moving."

Dei:  "Zing!  Hoo-hoo-hoo!  We're close-- aren't we?"

Kay:  "Yes-- you miserable little worm."

Dei:  "Mm-m-m, feisty.  I like that.  I'll snap you like a twig!"

Kay:  "When the spell is off-- you die."

Dei [Screams mockingly]:  "I'm petrified!  [Normal Voice]  We're behind schedule.  Get to work."

Kay:  "Ah!"

Dei:  [Startles]

Aph:  "Back off, Deimie."

Dei:  "Uh-h-- Aphrodite.  What a pleasant surprise.  How are things with you and Hephie?"

Aph:  "Not good."

Dei:  "Well-- such a shame."

Aph:  "You're playing with fire, Deimie."

Dei:  "'Dite, 'Dite, 'Dite.  You're a powerful goddess, but the times-- they are a-changin'."

Aph:  "Hello?!  Do I have to spell it out for you?  My powers may be on the fritz, but my brother Herc's are fine-- and if _you_ don't cut this out, he's gonna rearrange your face."

Dei [Yawns]:  "Goodness!  What shall I do?  [Chuckles]  Here's an idea-- you and me-- sandy beaches-- frolicking in the surf-- au naturel."  [Laughs]

Aph:  "Felling sleepy, Deimos?  'Cause you're already dreaming.  I'd rather lick frogs."

Dei:  "Ribbit.  Ribbit.  Ribbit!"  [Laughs]


I:  "OK, guys, that's enough.  Time to let me go.  Save yourselves a lot of pain-- and suffering."

Thug:  "Is that right?  And who's gonna cause this pain?  You?"

H:  "No-- me."


Thug:  "Ah-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!"

I:  "It took you long enough."

H:  "I don't have to letcha out, you know?"

I:  "Of course you do!"

H [Sighs]:  "Ah!"

I:  "Deimos is after-- "

H:  "-- the Cronos stone.  I know."

I:  "Yeah, but only one Amazon-- "

H:  "-- knows where it's hidden, and he has her.  Let's go."

I:  "Boy-- a mind like a steel-- uh-- "

H's Voice:  "-- trap!"

I:  "Yeah."


Dei:  "OK-- I've narrowed it down to two.  [Clears throat]  `Deimos-- a god of immense power and stupendous wealth,' or `Deimos, the uncompromising, unyielding, ultimate deity, who, when given the proper incentives, can be a nice guy once ya get to know him!'  [Laughs]  Well?  Hmm?"

Kay:  "I hate them both, and I hate you."

Dei:  "Oh, only because I'm destroying your life-- and the lives of _al-l-l-l-l_ your loved ones."

Kay:  "Even if you do find the Cronos stone, we'll find a way to stop you."

Dei:  "You?!  Stop Deimos?!  Hm-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Ay-uh-uh-- `the great and powerful deity of unquestionable taste-- and unflinching fashion sense!'  Hmm, yeah, right!  Dig!"


Aph:  "Hello?  Hello!"

Heph:  "Aphrodite.  I'm, uh-- I'm sorry the place is such a mess.  Have _you_ come back to me?"

Aph:  "Yeah, well-- there's this thing about the Cronos stone, and-- Herc thinks we should get back together, so-- "

Heph:  "So?"

Aph:  "So-- go ahead and apologize."

Heph:  "Apologize?!  Me?!  For what?!  _You're_ the one who left!"

Aph:  "Nah-uh!  You _drove_ me out with all that banging, day and night!"

Heph:  "Well, ex-_cuse_ me for taking _my_ work seriously!"

Aph:  "Like I don't?!"

Heph:  "Well-- you _are_ the goddess of love.  And right now, I'm not feeling very warm and fuzzy!"

Aph:  "All right!  Fine!  Forget making up!  The real reason I came is 'cause Herc needs help fighting Deimos."

Heph:  "OK-- fine.  I'm on my way."

Aph:  "Oh, no-- no, no!  _I'm_ helping him.  We don't need you."

Heph:  "Look-- he may be your brother-- but he's _my_ friend.  And I'm not about to let him down because of you!"

Aph:  "OK.  Fine, then we'll _both_ go."

Heph:  "Fine!"

Aph:  "Fine!"


I:  "Hey, Herc, d'ya know what happened to Salmoneus?"

H:  "Yeah, he got sent to prison for tax fraud."

I:  "Really?"

H:  "Yeah.  Aphrodite.  Hephaestus!  Hey, you guys made up!"

Aph:  "Not exactly.  I tried-- but _somebody_ had to be stubborn."

Heph:  "Oh, pl-- tell your royal highness if she thinks that's makin' up, she's nuts!"

I:  "I don't think he thinks-- you gave it a fair shot."

Aph:  "Ha!  Well, tell that overgrown excuse for a god that it wasn't _my_ fault we started fighting in the first place!"

H:  "She says it was your fault to begin with."

Heph:  "The Tartarus it was!  Maybe if she took an interest in what I do!"

I:  "She's not interested in his work."

Aph:  "Maybe if he did something _else_ every once in a while-- "

H:  "He works too much."

I:  "Yeah, but Hercules-- it's a big job!  He's gotta take it seriously."

H:  "That doesn't mean he should be neglecting his girlfriend."

I:  "Oh, please!  If she wasn't so needy-- "

H:  "Well, if he wasn't so selfish-- !"

Heph and Aph:  "Hey!  Stop fighting!"

H:  "You're right.  This is getting us nowhere.  Aphrodite-- you're the goddess-- of love.  Act like it.  It wouldn't-- _hurt_ you to take some interest in Hephaestus' work.  And it wouldn't kill _you_ to have some _fun_ once in a while."

Heph:  "Oh, right!  She's the most stubborn-- I mean-- I can never get a word in!"

Aph [Interrupts]:  "Like he knows what fun is!"

Heph:  "What are ya doin' wearin' heels?!  They're not broken in [?]!  Are you crazy?!"

Aph:  "These boots were made for walkin'!"  [Gasps]

Heph:  "Hey!  Those are mine!"

H:  "No kidding!  Now you _have_ to work things out-- that is, if you ever wanna be free again.  Come on, Iolaus.  We have to stop Deimos before it's too late."

I:  "You know, Hephaestus has a point.  You can't just break a schedule at the drop of a hat."

H:  "It takes two people to make a relationship, Iolaus."

I's Voice:  "Oh, here we go again."

H's Voice:  "I mean, come on, it's just give and take and give and take-- "


Amazon:  "I think we've hit something!"

Dei:  "Ah!  Is it the stone?!"

Amazon's Voice:  "No."

An Amazon:  "Deimos-- Hercules and his friend are coming."

Dei:  "My cousin has become a _big_ thorn in my side.  It's time to get rid of that pesky do-gooder once and for all."

Varg:  "Shall I stall him, Deimos?"

Dei:  "No-o-o!  I'll get the Amazon women to kill him-- or die trying."  [Laughs]


Amazon:  "Yah!"

H:  "This can't be good."



I:  "Hey, we're the good guys.  Remember?"

H:  "They can't help themselves.  Remember?"

Kay:  "He's right.  Deimos wants you dead.  We have no choice but to kill you."

H:  "That's not a good choice.  Go easy, Iolaus."


I:  "No hurting.  You OK?!  Sorry.  Ah!  Oh-h-h.  Wo-o-o-o!  Ho-o-o!"

H:  "Ugh!"

I:  "Kayla!  Just-- fight it!"

Kay:  "I can't."

I:  "Ow!  Rah-h-h!  Sorry."

H:  "Ladies-- it's been a pleasure."

I:  "Ow!  Ah!"

H:  "Sorry."

I:  "Hey-- I tried not to hurt them."

H:  "Good boy."

I:  "What do we do now?"

H:  "I've got an idea.  Come on."

I:  "Ah-h-h!  Ow!"


Heph:  "Oh, great-- this is just what I've been wanting to do all week-- walk around handcuffed to you!"

Aph:  "Well, _you_ made 'em, smarty-pants!  Wha'ja do with the key?"

Heph:  "Well, I might have been able to find the key if you hadn't 'a been such a messy hog!  You're the only person I know who takes the garbage _in_!"

Aph:  "Well, what about you?!  The bathroom's not a library, you know.  You read in there for like-- days!"

Heph:  "Oh, I'm sorry, your Highness.  I forgot how much quality time you like to spend with your mirror!"

Aph [Gasps]:  "Well, at least _I_ don't talk in my sleep!  And you don't just talk-- you talk backwards!  Do you have any idea how freaky that is?!  What's the matter with you?!"

Heph:  "Oh-- please!  Can't I just have just one moment of peace before I die?!  Is that too much to ask?!"

Aph:  "You want silence?  You got it, baby!  I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day!"

Heph:  "Oh!  Heavenly days!  The fates are finally smiling upon me!"

Heph and Aph:  "And another thing-- !"


Dei:  "Well, is it there?  The anticipation is killing me-e-e-e!"

Varg:  "Found it!"

Dei:  "Hm-m-m-m-m!  Yes!  Yeah-h-h-h-h-h-h!"


Dei:  "The Cronos stone.  Ooh, I'm almost giddy! [Laughs]  Yeah."


H:  "That should slow 'em down.  I'm going after Deimos.  Think you can handle it here?"

I:  "Yeah, no problem."

H:  "All right."

I:  "Yeah.  Herc-- hurry!"


Aph:  "Why don't you just admit that you're wrong?!"

Heph:  "Because I'm not!"

Aph:  "Puh-leeze!  You never pay any attention to me, anymore!"

Heph:  "Well, sure I do!  But it's never enough!  You're constantly, `Hephie, is _my_ hair perfect today?'  And, `Hephie, does this outfit make me look fat?'  You always look _beautiful!"

Aph:  "Well, what about you and your stupid forge?!  You're always, `'Dite, check out my new invention.'  And, `'Dite, look at my new hammer doohickey.'  I mean, how many amazing things can you show me in a single day?!"


Dei:  "I feel the power-- surging through me!  Should I give it a trial run?"

Varg:  "Oh, sure, Deimos.  What are you gonna destroy?  A-- a rock?  That tree?!"

Dei:  "Child's play.  Ha-ha-ha-ha!  I was thinking more like, uh-- a moving target.  Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

Varg:  "But, Deimos-- I'm your partner!"

Dei:  "Uh-uh-uh--n-n-n-n-n!  Correction-- you're my-- _silent_ partner!"  [Laughs]

H:  "Looking for a challenge, Deimos?"

Dei:  "I guess.  You wanna play ball?"

H:  "I'd say that was a little low and outside, Coz."

Dei:  "This one will be up-- Jerkules!"

H:  [Yells]

Dei:  [Yells]


Dei:  "You're messing up my hair!"



Kay:  "I don't wanna kill you, Iolaus."

I:  "Thanks-- I think.  Boy, you Amazons don't give up, do ya?!"


Dei:  "Ah-h-h-h!  My face!  My face!"

Heph:  "You really think my inventions are amzing?"

Aph:  "You really think I look beautiful all the time?"

Dei [Laughs]:  "Bye-bye, Coz!"

Aph:  "Poopsie!  Are you all right?!"

Heph:  "Yeah.  Ooh.  Oh-h-h-h, I think so."

Aph:  "Oh.  If anything ever happened to you, I don't know what I'd _do_, Honey bear.  I love you."

Heph:  "I love you, too, Honey bunny."



Kay:  "Something's happened.  The spell's been broken."

I:  "Ah-h-h!"

Amazon:  "Revenge time, Kayla.  Let's start with him."

Kay:  "Wait.  Iolaus isn't our enemy.  He's one of the few men we _can_ trust."

I [Sighs]:  "Thanks."



Dei:  "Yeah!  Time to die-- Hercules.  No!  No-no-no!  No!"

H:  "You were saying?"

Dei:  "W-wait-wait-wait-wait!  Uh-- uh-- how 'bout, uh-- uh, this?  `Deimos-- the repentant'?  Or, `Deimos, the apologetic'?  Or, uh-- `Deimos, the, uh-- truly, truly sorry'?"

H:  "How about, `The deity formerly known as-- Deimos'?"

Kay:  "There he is!  Get him!"

Dei:  "A-a-a-ah!  No-no, wait-wait!  It's all a mistake!  I was on your side the whole time.  If ya have a complaint, lodge it with the management."

Varg:  "Heh."

Kay:  "Let's kill him!"

H:  "No, wait, wait, wait!  You really want revenge?  I've got a better idea."


Amazon's Voice:  "Hey, Varg!  More bread!"

Varg:  "Yes, Madam!  Right away!  I'm on it."

I:  "Well, looks like everything's back to normal."

Kay:  "Ah, not everything.  I want to-- thank you-- for showing me that there are men in this world who deserve my trust."

I:  "Does that mean we're friends?"

Kay:  "Yeah, I guess so.  Ah-h-h-h-- one-- step at a time, OK?"

I:  "Sure.  Bye, Kayla."

Kay:  "Bye."

Aph:  "How could things have gotten so bad between us?"

Heph:  "It doesn't make sense, does it?"

H:  "Nope, and it never will.  That-- is love."

Heph:  "Wow-- that was beautiful.  You should write a book."

H:  "Thanks."

Aph:  "Yeah-- you do the love gig almost as good as _I_ do, Bro."

Heph:  "Uh-uh-- no one does the love gig as good as my little Honey bunny."

Aph:  "Mm-m-m-m-- poopsie!"

H:  "OK, I'll just, uh-- be over-- here-- you guys."

I:  "Hey, Herc."

H:  "Oh, hey, Iolaus.  Hmm?"

I:  "Hey-ey-ey!  Look at this-- lucky dinar.  Watch this."

H:  "Aw, you don't wanna waste your money on that.  That-- "

I:  "Herc-- I know what I'm doing.  This is the lucky dinar, OK?  Hi.  Deal me in.  OK, hit me!"

H:  "What, are you nuts?!  The dealer's showin' a six.  He's gonna bust."

I:  "Hercules-- I can _feel_ it in the cards.  Come on.  Hit me."

Dealer:  "Player busts.  Better luck next time, sir."

H:  "How does it _feel_ to _lo-o-ose_?"

I:  "Ooh!  Hey.  Hey-- do you think Kayla and I will-- you know-- get together?"

H:  "Oh, I don't think there's a spell big enough for that, Iolaus."

I:  "Of course, there is.  It's called, the old Iolaus charm."

H:  "Well, that's not a spell.  That's a-- curse."


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