Whoosh! Online
Edition Visit Tom's Page!


"Hercules, Tramps & Thieves"  Episode 108/605


Autolycus [Auto]:  "Whoa-oa!  Wh-oa-oa!"  [Coughs]

H:  "Nice of you to drop in, Autolycus."

Auto [Coughs]:  "Ah-ha-ha-ha.  You're a funny man, Hercules.
[Coughs].  So funny, in fact-- I think I busted a gut.  Uh."

H:  "Why are you following me?"

Auto:  "Practice, my good man.  If I can sneak up on you, I can
sneak up on anyone."

H:  "Huh.  Well, you might-- wanna-- oil your hook.  It makes a
noise when you open it?"

Auto:  "Oh.  Thanks for the tip."

H:  "Mm-hmm."

Auto:  "So [Coughs]-- where're we headed?"

H:  "We?  No.  _We_-- aren't going anywhere.  _I_ am going to

Auto:  "Ah-h-h, you're gonna help them with that bank thing,
aren't ya?"

H:  "What do you know about it?"

Auto:  "Only that it's the best idea I've heard about since the
Kama Sutra.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Imagine-- a whole town-- putting
all its money in one place-- one-stop shopping for a wonderment
such as, uh-- myself."

H:  "Huh.  And that's exactly why I'm gonna help them _secure_--
their bank?  Bye, Autolycus."

Auto:  "Oh, I see how you are, Hercules.  I offer to spend some
quality time with my good friend and no, you leave me on the side
of the road like an old sofa.  Well-- OK, that's fine.  I'll just
have to think of something to do.  After all, I am the King of

H:  "I hate it when he does this.  All right.  You can come
along.  Hey!  But you have to promise me you won't rob the bank."

Auto:  "I promise."

H:  "Uh-huh?"

Auto:  "What?!  What?  What are you doin'?"

H:  "I'm just makin' sure you aren't crossing anything."

Auto:  "Hercules, I'm a thief, not a liar.  I have my standards!
All right.  I promise not to rob the bank.  OK?"

H:  "OK."

Auto:  "Ha-ha-ha-ha.  Hey, tough thing about Salmoneus, huh?"

H:  "Yeah, that massage parlor bust was a real drag."

Auto:  "Ho-ho."


Woman's Voice:  "So, what did you do then?"

Man's Voice:  "I told him to give me my dinars back, or I'd curse
him to Hades."

Woman's:  "Really?"

Man:  "Yeah-- "

H:  "Excuse me.  Do you know where I can find the sheriff?"

Man:  "In there."

H:  "Thanks."

Man:  "Bye, now."

Woman:  "All right."

A Man's Voice:  "I'll be back later -- "

Auto:  "I only promised not to rob the bank."

H:  "Hey-- Autolycus."


Patron:  "Huh?"

Auto:  "Heh-heh.  Hah.  Well, a family establishment, ay?"

Patron's Voice:  "Any time!"

Auto:  "Ooh.  Say, Toots-- how about a horizontal mambo on the

Waitress:  "Genius, there.  I never hoid [sic] of that one,
before.  What's in it?"

Auto:  "Me and you, and not a whole lot else.  [Laughs]  Ooh!"

H:  "You'll have to, uh-- pardon my friend.  He's in a lot of
pain.  Horizontal mambo.  Behave yourself, I'm gonna go say hi to
the sheriff.  Sheriff-- good to see ya."

Sheriff [Sher]:  "Yeah.  Hi, Son.  Not now-- show's about to

Announcer [Ann]:  "Welcome, gentlemen!"

H:  "Yeah.  Well, ya don't wanna miss the show."

Ann:  "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.  We're
proud to present-- our star attraction.  The cherry in your cola.
The wood in your pecker.  Miss-- Luscious Deluxe!"

Luscious Deluxe [Lus] [Sings]:  "I think you're likin' what you
Hey fella, take a tip from me.
I don't really mean to flaunt, but--
I get what I want."

H:  "You know that lady?"

Auto:  "That's no lady.  That's my wife."



Lus [Sings]:  "I'm not opposed to go for tact [?].
I'll take the tunic off your back.
You're the deer caught in my headlights, as far as I'm concerned,
'cause, Honey-- 
I get what I want.

"Don't ask me to make it, when it's so easy to take it.
Forget my sweet demeanor; I'll put you through the cleaners.
Take all the dirt [?] you want, and grind [?] it.
I'll put your money where you'll never find it."

H:  "She's your wife?"

Auto:  "My ex-wife.  We were a coupl'a crooked kids-- crazy in
love.  Oh-ho-ho-- life with Luscious was full of booty.  We stole
a lot of stuff, too."

H:  "So, how'd you-- screw it up?"

Auto:  "Our passion was just too great to be contained.  It blew
us apart, I tell ya!  Well, that and I let her rot in prison for
a crime I committed."

H:  "Well, it's good to see, chivalry is not dead."

Lus [In Background] [Sings]:  "I don't-- ."

Auto:  "Who's that?  A friend of yours?"

Lus [Sings]:  "I like the things that don't come free.
I bite that apple right off of your tree.
That's why-- I get what I want."

Men [Sing]:  "Oh, please, don't [?] her[?]."

Lus [Sings]:  "Sugar-- I get what I want."

Men [Sing]:  "She likes to bargain."

Lus [Sings]:  "Baby-- I get what I want!"

Auto:  "It's not what you think.  There was this job, this--
there was a priceless, marble bust of Cleopatra.  I hear they're
doing her head, next.  Anyway, on my way out-- I dropped the
garter belt that I was wearing."

H:  "Can we keep the details on a stricly need-to-know basis?"

Auto:  "Oh.  This is important.  See?  Luscious and I, we used to
swap an article of clothing for good luck.  It's a long story.
Anyway, the garter belt was hers, and it was this stupid
monogrammed lingerie and next thing I knew-- the local stooges
are hauling the ball and chain off to the big house."

H:  "And you didn't-- confess to get your wife out of jail?"

Auto:  "Well, that was our agreement.  If one of us got caught,
the other one wouldn't tattle.  Still, she-- divorced me the day
she was sentenced."

H:  "Ah, the nerve of some people."

Auto:  "Tell me about it.  Well, still, we all make mistakes,
right?  Ho-ho-ho-ho-- and judging from the eye she's giving me,
I'd say my little honey-jugs is ready to kiss-- hoo-hoo!-- and
make up.  Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.  Lay one on me, Baby.  Oh!"

Lus:  "That's for leaving me in prison, you miserable wart on the
ass of an ass.  You, on the other hand, need to tell me where
you've been all my life."

H:  "Just-- trying to keep your ex-husband out of trouble."

Lus:  "If there's one thing he doesn't need help with, it's that.
The name's Luscious-- but don't take my word for it.  Why don't
you stop by my boudoir later, and I'll prove it to you.  It's
worth it."

Auto:  "Oh."

H:  "Hmm."

Auto:  "Ah."

H:  "So, uh-- I thought you two'd kiss and make up, huh?"


Sher:  "Sorry I couldn't talk to you in there, but, uh-- I never
miss one of Luscious' shows."

H:  "Huh.  Well, she does-- pack-- quite a punch."

Sher:  "Mmm.  Huh-- I-I'm-- tickled to death that you came down
here to help finish the bank, but-- wa-- was it my imagination,
or-- was that the king of thieves I saw you comin' to town with?"

H:  "You see, he's a-- he's a friend.  A-and, and he gave me his
word he wouldn't cause any trouble."

Sher:  "Well-- if his word's good enough for Hercules, it's--
good enough for me.  Now-- there's the bank.  I'll see you at

H:  "All right, Sheriff."

Sidekick [Side]:  "Whoa!  Sorry.  This thing gets away from me,

H:  "Yeah.  Well-- no harm done."

Side:  "I couldn't help overhearing.  You're Hercules, aren't

H:  "Yeah, something tells me I should say no."

Side:  "I knew it!  This is definitely a sign!  I got my palm
read this morning-- and the fortune-teller told me I was in store
for a career change."

H:  "Well, congratulations, and best of luck finding a new job."

Side:  "Well, I won't need it!  The job found me!  I'm your new

H [Chuckles]:  "I-I-no, I don't think so."

Side:  "Oh, come on!  You need a new number-two guy!  I've got
number two written all over me!"

H:  "A-as-- tempting as that sounds, the position's already

Side:  "Oh, don't worry.  I wouldn't expect you to hire me
without first seeing what I can do."

H:  "Uh-huh.  Did I mention, it doesn't pay very well?"

Side:  "I don't need any money.  By the end of the day, I'm gonna
prove I've got what it takes to be your sidekick."

H:  "OK."


Lus:  "Oh, come on guys-- let's do it again until we get it
right.  And, walk, two-- left!  Left, left, left!"

Dark-haired:  "My left or-- or your left."

Lus:  "My left-- always my left.  [?], Nick-- shoo."

Men:  "Nice hoof-work, Butts."  "Smiley, Curly-- whatever!"

Lus:  "If you've come back for more abuse, I will be happy to

Auto:  "Ha-ha-- now, you're starting to sound like an ex-wife."

Lus:  "I don't mean to be rude, but why don't you go die?"

Auto:  "Uh, one day, perhaps-- but for now, I just wanna say--
I'm sorry."

Lus:  "What do have to be sorry for?  We had a deal, right?  If
one of us got caught, we agreed to keep our mouths shut."

Auto:  "Yes, but-- as your husband, I had a bigger promise to
keep.  I let you down, Kitten."

Lus:  "Ancient history.  Now, if you excuse me, I have to fix my
face.  If I don't knock 'em dead out there, the management's
threatened to replace me with a nude mime."

Auto:  "Show business, what a killer.  Say, Cookie-puss, here's a
thrill.  Why don't you buy the club out from under 'em?  That
way, they can never tell you it's curtains, because the stage
will all be yours."

Lus:  "With what money?  I'm still waiting on your alimony

Auto:  "Oh.  Ha.  Um.  Hm-hm.  Yes, those-- uh-- I swear, the
check's in the mail."

Lus:  "Hmm."

Auto:  "But in the meantime, until they get here-- give me one
more chance to make it up to ya."

Lus:  "Hmm."

Auto:  "I'll even work if I have to!  Aw, come on, Luscious, I'm
on my knees begging ya."

Lus:  "I'd forgotten what a hopeless romantic you can be."

Auto:  "Ha-ha-ha.  You didn't used to call me `Auto-erotic' for

Lus:  "Oh."


People:  "Oo-o-o-oh."

Sher:  "And with that-- I now declare-- the First National Bank
of Greece-- open for business!"

People:  [Cheer]

Auto:  [Chuckles]

H [Sighs]:  "Well, ya still have your job.  That's a-- good

Auto:  "No, more than that.  It's a miracle.  She bought my
entire schpiel.  I-I mean, she accepted my apology."

H:  "Really?  I guess some people never learn."

Auto:  "Au, contraire, long-hair.  Today, I learned a lesson I
had forgotten a long time ago.  True love never dies.  It just--
hibernates-- laying dormant like a-- like a cold sore waiting to

H:  "How romantic."


Side:  "Excuse me-- but aren't you a friend of Hercules."

Auto:  "Young man, I'll have you know that my fame is almost as
widespread as his."

Side:  "Really?  Well, what have you done?"

Auto:  "Ever seen the statue of the Venus di Milo?"

Side:  "The one with no arms?"

Auto:  "Mm-hmm."

Side:  "You did that?"

Auto:  "No, but I stole the arms, and that's what made it a
classic.  I guess you could say I work in, uh-- negative space."

Side:  "Wow.  Then you're a real pro."

Auto:  "You bet."

Side:  "I need your advice.  See?  I wanna impress Hercules?  But
I just don't know how to go about doing it."

Auto:  "Well, young man, you've come to the right place.  With
Hercules, first thing you gotta do is tell him that he looks--
old and fat.  He loves that."

Side:  "Really?"

Auto:  "Yeah, it's a little inside joke, and you wanna be on the
inside, don't you?"

Side:  "Oh, sure."

Auto:  "Yeah, who wouldn't?  Next thing I'd do is I'd call him by
his stage name-- `Captain Froo-froo.'"

Side:  "Stage name?"

Auto:  "Mm-hmm.  It's a little ditty he picked up during his
brief stint in show business.  See, he used to ride the manatees
at the Athens Aquarium Ski Spectacular."

Side:  "Wow.  What a guy."

Auto:  "Oh, you bet.  Oh, kid, one final tip.  There's nothing
Hercules appreciates more than someone who can get the drop on
him.  So, if you can manage somehow to put a bootprint in his
ass-- you're golden."

Side:  "Thanks, a lot, Mister."

Auto:  "Oh, kid-- kick him really hard.  Ain't I a sinker?"


H:  "Sheriff-- what happened?"

Sher:  "Somebody made a withdrawal without having an account.
The bank's been robbed!  And your friend is the main suspect."

H:  "Autolycus."



Sher:  "The bank gets robbed the day the king of thieves shows
up.  And we find his grappling hook at the scene of the crime.
Now, technically-- we call that an open-and-shut case."

H:  "Autolycus may not be a saint, but he has never broken his

Sher:  "I respect your loyalty to your friend, but-- I got a town
to take care of-- which leaves me no choice.  I gotta send a
posse after him."

H [Sighs]:  "I understand-- and if I have to bring him in myself,
I will, but-- there's something I have to do first."

Sher:  "Well, you do what you gotta do."


Lus:  "Entrez-nous."

H:  "Oh, hi.  Uh-- did I come at a bad time?"

Lus:  "When you're with me, Sugar, it's never a bad time to come.
Take a load out-- I mean, off."

H:  "Um-- have-have you seen Autolycus?"

Lus:  "Not since last night."

H:  "Well, I-- thought you should know, there's a-- there's a
warrant out for his arrest."

Lus:  "Oh, no-o-o-o.  Old nimble-fingers left his hook behind,
did he?"

H:  "How'd you know it was his hook?"

Lus:  "Lucky guess?  Besides-- he's always leaving somethin'

H:  "You don't seem too-- broken up about it."

Lus:  "I stopped letting Autolycus disappoint me a long time ago,
Hercules.  Maybe you should try doing the same."

H:  "I thought you'd forgiven him."

Lus:  "What's the point in holding a grudge?  These hands have
more-- valuable things to hold."

H:  "Yeah."

Lus:  "Sure you can't stay a while?"

H [Sighs]:  "No-- but, uh, you know-- thanks.  I've-- I've got a
thief to catch."

Lus:  "Hmm."

H:  "And, uh-- I, uh-- I have to, uh-- find Autoloycus, too.
Huh.  Bye."

Lus:  "Bye-bye.  [Chuckles]  His loss."


Side:  [Yells]

H:  "Oh, yeah.  That hurts.  You all right?"

Side:  "Yep.  Everythings looks A-OK from here."

H:  "You, uh-- you need help getting up?"

Side:  "Nah-- I think I'll just stay here-- keep an eye on

H:  "You haven't, by any chance-- seen my friend, have you?"

Side:  "That guy, Autolycus?"

H:  "Yeah."

Side:  "Man, it's a small world."

H:  "So, you've seen him."

Side:  "How did you know that?"

H:  "Gunther-- focus."

Side:  "Saw'r [sic] him a little while ago-- on the other side of

H:  "Thanks."

Side:  "Oh, by the way, you're looking old and fat-- Captain

H:  "I don't wannt know."


Auto:  "Barkeep-- gimme a glass 'a your finest cheap stuff.  And
don't be stingy.  This is a celebration."

Barkeep:  "What's the occasion?"

Auto:  "New beginnings, my good man.  Until my old lady let me
off the hook for what a heel I'd been, I had no idea how guilty
I'd  felt all these years.  Hmm.  Ha-ha-ha.  To ex-wives
everywhere.  May they forgive us all!"

People:  "Hear, hear!"

Deputy:  "Has anyone seen this man?!"

Auto:  "Talk about toast."

Deputy:  "You're under arrest for the robbery of the town bank!"

Auto:  "Well, I guess the drinks are on me."

Deputy:  "Grab him!"


Deputy:  "After him!"

Auto:  "Whoa-ho-ho!"


Men's Voices:  "He went thattaway!  Get him!  Grab him!"  "Cut
him in half!"  "Don't let him get away!"  "He's gotta be over


Auto:  "Now, I know why those guys yodel."

Men's Voices:  "How did he get away?!"  "He's probably right
under our nose!"  "Come on!"  "Hurry!"  "After him!"

Auto:  "Ha-ha-ha-ha!  Well, this is no time to stand here with my
schnitzel flapping in the breeze.  Yodel-ay-hee-hoo!"

Merchant:  "Stop!  Thief!"

Man's Voice:  "Thief?!"

Auto:  "Oh, lederhosen, don't fail me now."

Man's Voice:  "Don't let him get away!"

Auto:  "Ooh.  Ha-ha.  Oh.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.  Ah-- you're not so
tough now, are ya?
Ha-- ha-ha-ha.  Come on."

Man:  "Hey!  Come on!  We can lift it!"

Auto:  "Whoa-ho!  Hey!  Oh-ho!  Yodel-ay-hoo-hoo!"

H:  "You lookin' for this?"

Auto:  "Oh, Hercules-- thank the gods!  You care to fill me in on
the joke?"

H:  "Sorry, Autolycus, but I'm not laughing.  I have to bring ya
in for your own good."

Auto:  "Well-- all right.  A man's gotta do what a man's gotta
do.  Duck!  It's Hera!  Would you believe Zeus?  A fliying Hydra
with the runs?"

Deputy:  "There he is!  Grab him!"

H:  "Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa, whoa.  There'll be no lynching here,

Deputy:  "But he stole our money!"

H:  "That's for a jury-- to decide."

Auto:  "I'm afraid the verdict is already in, Hercules.  I'm



H:  "You gave me your word you wouldn't rob the bank."

Auto:  "I don't know who's dumber, Hercules-- me for getting
caught, or you for taking the word of a thief."

H:  "I know what you're doing-- and it's not going to work."

Auto:  "If you mean rotting here in the hoosegow, it seems to be
working just fine."

H:  "You're protecting her.  Luscious robbed the bank, and now
you're takin' the fall for her."

Auto:  "Take a look at my business card, Hercules.  What does it

H:  "`For a good time-- '"

Auto:  "Ha-- wrong one.  There.  See?  It says, the king of
thieves.  What does that tell ya?"

H:  "It tells me-- you're too good at what you do to make me
believe that you accidentally left your grappling hook behind."

Auto:  "Oh, yeah?  Maybe I did it on purpose, huh?
Subconsciously-- to keep myself from being a bad influence on the
kids.  See, Hercules?  You've finally rubbed off on me.  Well,
old friend-- goodbye."

H:  "Why don't we just make that, uh-- `See ya later.'?"


Sher:  "Paying your last respects, are you?"

H:  "Last respects?"

Sher:  "Yeah-- your friend."

H:  "Since when has robbery become punishable by death?"

Sher:  "Since he robbed this town of everything it's got.
Without money, we can't grow crops.  Without crops, we can't

H:  "What if I were to get your money back for you?  It wouldn't
change what happened, but your people would be back on their feet
again.  All right?"

Sher:  "All right, Hercules.  You find that money by sundown and
I'll-- consider your proposition."

H:  "Good."

Sher:  "If you don't-- that friend of yours'll never need another


Side:  "Mm-m-m-m-mo-o-o-o-o-o-o!"

H:  "Gunther?"

Side:  "Wow-- you're good."

H:  "I try."

Side:  "Whaddya think?  Master of disguise.  Can your sidekick do

H:  "Uh-- ot that I've ever-- noticed."

Side:  "Man-- he must be better than I thought.  Here-- try my

H:  "You know?  Why-why don't I-- I not?  Besides, I-I should be
going.  I don't-- wanna-- interrupt your date."

Side:  "My date?"

H:  "That is one horny bull."

Side:  [Screams]


Lus:  "Hope you didn't come to talk again.  I just can't stand
all this teasing."

H:  "Actually, I came to say goodbye."

Lus:  "Goodbye?"

H:  "Yeah-- Autolycus is gonna be executed at sundown and I--
can't stick around to watch it happen."

Lus:  "Executed?!  I-I thought he was just goin' to the slammer."

H:  "Yeah, well, so did I until the sheriff told me otherwise.
You know, what's really sad is that Autolycus didn't even get all
the money."

Lus:  "What do you mean?"

H:  "Well-- you see, there's this false wall-- at the back of the
vault-- and behind it-- is where they hide all the real

Lus:  "The real valuables?"

H:  "Oh, you know?  The priceless kind?  Rubies-- family
heirlooms-- "

Lus:  "Diamonds?"

H:  "Yeah, I think so.  Anyway, I-- guess it's true what they
say.  A life of crime just doesn't pay."

Lus:  [Chuckles]

H:  "Yeah.  Well-- it was nice meeting you."

Lus:  "Toodles.  [Whispers]  Diamonds.  [Normal Voice]  Hm-m-m!"


Lus:  "Hello, again.  Will you let me have a look?  The doctor--
is in.  What seems to be the trouble?  Hm-m-m-m-m-m.  You sound a
little congested.  We'll clear that cash right out of there.
Don't worry about a thing.  You're safe with me."  [Chuckles]

H:  "You are so-- busted."

Lus:  "You're not the first to notice.  What?!  Coming!  Well,
that's my ride.  Catch ya on the flip-flop!"

H:  "No, the only place you're going-- is jail."

Lus:  "Thanks, but I've alreay been there-- for a crime I didn't
commit.  So, the way I see it, I've got a freebie coming."

H:  "Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is the second time you've
been here."

Lus:  "True-- but I didn't steal anything this time.  So why
don't you just make it easy on yourself and forget you ever saw

H:  "It's never easy."

Lus:  "I know Kung Fu-- Karate-- and three or four other eastern
words.  You don't wanna mess with me."

H:  "We often do things we don't-- wanna do.  It's not bad."

Lus:  "L for Luscious."


H:  "You know what?  You're-- pretty good."

Lus:  "Three years with the flying Piazu brothers' circus."

H:  "No kidding!  You know, I caught your show in Corinth!  Hey--
was that-- lizard lady for real?"

Lus:  "Iguana with a wig."

H:  "Thought so.  Mmm."

Lus:  "Go ahead-- do it.  I'd do it to you."

H:  "No, you wouldn't.  You're basically a good person, just like
Autolycus-- which is why you won't be able to live with yourself
if he dies today."

Lus:  "Maybe-- but I'm doubly sure I won't be able to live with
myself if I die in his place."

H:  "You won't have to.  The sheriff's agreed to drop the charges
_if_ the money-- is returned by sundown."

Lus:  "You'd do that for me?  You'd let me return the money
without turning me in?"

H:  "Like you said, you did your time.  Return the money-- and
there's no harm done.  Besides-- you were married to Autolycus.
And that was punishment enough."


Sher:  "That's all she wrote-- Mr. King of Thieves."

Auto:  "What's the rush, Dudley Dooright?  I haven't even touched
my dessert."

Executioner:  "You'll get your dessert, all right-- your just
dessert."  [Chuckles]

Auto:  "Nothing like a funny executioner."


Man's Voice:  "There's the thief!"

Woman's Voice:  "There he is!"

Man:  "Come on!  Come on!"

Male Voice:  "Criminal!"

Auto:  "Ah, my adoring fans have come to rescue me."

A Man's Voice:  "Break his neck!"

Auto:  "I'll take fries with that."

Man's Voice:  "He won't get away with this!"

Woman's Voice:  "Hang him up!"

Auto:  "Well-- that's noose to me."



Lus:  "The loot's right through here."

H:  "Uh-oh."

Lus [Cat screech]:  "Let's just forget about Autolycus, and live
in the now-- shall we?"

H:  "You don't wanna do this, Luscious."

Lus:  "All right.  Enough of the gentleman routine.  You can't
just walk around, looking like-- you-- and play hard to get.
It's false advertising."

H:  "Like I said, you don't wanna-- do this."

Lus:  "Say it again-- I dare ya."

H:  "You don't wanna do this."

Lus:  "And why not?"

H:  "Well, because you're just tryin' to get back at Autolycus."

Lus:  "What are you talking about?  I already said I'd help him,
didn't I?"

H:  "Well, that's why you're doin' this now, isn't it?  Knowing
I'm his friend?   To find some other way to punish him?  Huh?"

Lus:  "Rats!"

H [Whispers]:  "Oh, boy.  [Normal Voice]  I know how mad you are.
I mean, I would be, too.  But-- he's willing-- to die-- to show
you he's sorry.  I-I think it's time to forgive him.  Huh?"

Lus:  "Tsk.  At least, tell me it was hard to say no to me."

H:  "Believe me, I've-- done things that were a lot easier.  So--
you coming?  I mean-- let's go."


Deputy:  "You're dead!"

Man:  "Where's my money?!"

Men's Voices:  "Break your bloody little neck!"  "Come on!"
"Kill the thief!"

Woman's Voice:  "Die!"

Man's Voice:  "Let's go!"

Auto:  "Unhand me, you swine!  If I'm to face death, I'll do so

Man's Voice:  "You can't get away with this!"

Auto:  [Sobs]

Woman's Voice:  "How do you feel now!"

Salesman:  "Want a [?] gallows?"

Man's Voice:  "Break his neck!"

Sher:  "Do ya have any last words?"

Woman's Voice:  "Hanging's too good for him!"

Auto:  "Why-- yes, my good man.  Thanks for asking.  I just
happen to have a few last words."

Man:  "We've heard enough!"

Auto:  "And in no particular order, they are-- Aardvark.  Abode.
Abnormal  Abominable.  Absolute.  Abyssinia."


H:  "Are you sure this is everything?"

Lus:  "Don't you trust me?  All right.  Rats!  Happy now?"

H:  "Yes-- thank you."

Nick:  "Hey!  That's our heist money!"

H:  "Lemme guess.  You, uh-- stole it fair and square."

Dark-haired:  "That's right-- and Luscious is stealin' it back.
She switched teams.  Settle up, boys!"

H:  "Where'd all these guys come from?"

Lus:  "Did I forget to mention that I have a gang that might not
take too kindly to what we're doing?"

H [Sighs]:  "There's always something.  All right.  I don't want
any trouble.  Here's your money."


H:  "All right.  Show time."


Auto:  "Uh-- Nimrod.  Nincompoop.  Nemesis.  Necrophilia."



H:  "Oh-h-h, I'm gettin' too old for this."

Side:  "Did you see that?!"

H:  "Yeah, that was a nice job.  Duck."

Side:  "Now, can I be your sidekick?"

H:  "No!"

Lus:  "Pardon me.  Well-- that about does it.  See ya later!"

H:  "Aw, see you later.  Oh, you're funny, you know that?  Very

Side:  "Oh, yeah-- we're a team."


Auto:  "Z-z-z-z-zymoscope.  Zymosis?  Zymergy.  And, of course,
who could forget-- Zyzyva!  Ha-ha-ha.  Well, I guess that's it.
Um-- sheriff."

Sher:  "Yeah.  Oh."

People:  "Yeah!"

Deputy:  "Get on with it!  Get on with it!"

Sher:  "Uh-- do ya have any last-- requests?"

Deputy:  "No, no, no, no, no!"

Sher:  "No, no, people.  Come on, now-- there are rules."

Auto:  "You know what I'd really like?  A nice, ripe peach."

Sher:  "But-- peaches are out of season."

Auto:  "I'll wait."

Sher:  "Ah, no.  Come on.  You've been stalling long enough."

H:  "Yes, he has.  Time to tell everone the truth, Autolycus."

Auto:  "Ha-ha, my hero."

H:  "You can untie him now, Sheriff."

Sher:  "I can-- but I won't."

Man's Voice:  "That's right."

Sher:  "I see you-- but I don't see the money."

H:  "Well, that's because it's in the bank, where it's supposed
to be.  You see?  This was all-- a test-- wasn't it, Autolycus?"

Auto:  "Uh-- yeah, test.  Yes, of course."

H:  "See, what better way to make sure that your bank is as
secure as it can be than to have it-- tested by the king of
thieves himself?  We've identified all the possible weaknesses,
and you can rest assured that your money is perfectly-- safe."

People:  [Cheer]

Sher:  "Let him go."

Auto:  "Whoa-ho-ho-ho.  No noose is good noose.  What a fickle

Man's Voice:  "Shut up!"

Auto:  "But in this case, I'm all for it.  Let them eat cake!"

H:  "Have you ever heard the saying, `Never look a gift horse in
the mouth.'?"

Auto:  "Sure, and don't stand too close to his ass, either."


Lus:  "After all this time wanting to get back at you, now I owe
_you_ an apology."

Auto:  "Oh, let's just call it even, Kitten.  Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho--
you look beautiful."

Auto and Lus:  "I was thinking-- what I wanted to say-- "

Auto:  "You first."

Lus:  "No-- you."

Auto:  "Well, I've been-- walking around for a long time, now,
and-- the last memory I have of you is one that-- I regret-- and,
uh-- I'd like the chance to-- change that."

Lus:  "What'd you have in mind?"

Auto:  "Let me buy you dinner?"

Lus:  "Oh, yeah?  Sure you wanna do that?  I've got very
expensive taste."

Auto:  "Oh, a woman after my own heart."

Men's Voices:  "Bring out Luscious!"  "Come on!  Bring her out!"

Auto:  "Luscious?"

Lus:  "The stage beckons!"

Auto:  "When you kissed me before, in your dressing room--  did
you mean that, or was that just-- part of your act?"

Lus:  "Guess you'll just have to stick around and find out."


Ann:  "And now-- the woman you've all been waiting for-- the wind
beneath your wings-- the Zippity in your doo-dah-- Lucious De--

Lus [Sings]:  "I'm back in business-- you know what I mean.
Got all my assets where they need to be.
And never see me comin'
Just don't stop and stare.
Let's find out what the market will bear.

"Going to give it all I've got.
As you can see-- I've got a lot.
I'm a high-risk venture with a low, low fee-- "

H:  "Ah, the mystery-- of this woman."

Auto:  "Brother you said a mouthful.  Just wish I could'a helped
her buy this place."

H:  "Oh, don't worry.  I helped her-- get a loan at the bank.  As
soon as the paperwork goes through, this-- place will be hers."

Auto:  "Wait-- let me get this right.  The bank gives you money?"

H:  "Sure-- with a viable co-signer and a clean credit rating,
you'll get a fixed term loan amortized over thirty seasons, which
is really-- preferable to an ARM, because it protects you from
fluctuating interest rates."

Auto:  "What are the rates now?"

H:  "8-and-a-half per cent."

Auto:  "8-and-a-half?  That's highway robbery!  Say-- I gotta get
into this bank racket." 

H:  "Autolycus, I-- think you may have found your calling."

Auto:  Ha-ha-ha-ha."

Lus [Sings]:  "You know, I'm-- back-- in business
I'm back in business again."


Click here to return to the HTLJ HERCULES, TRAMPS, AND THIEVES page.

Guide Table of ContentsBack to Whoosh!