Whoosh! Issue 25 - October 1998

IAXS project #431
By Joanna Sandsmark
Copyright © 1998 held by author
1128 words

Introduction (01-03)
"The Formula" (04-19)
Conclusion (20)

How To Write Xena Fan Fiction

It's Greek to me!  Or is that Linear B?

Gabrielle pens her own fanfic all the time!


[01] So you wanna be a bard, but you don't want to spend hours at the computer, thinking really hard about all sorts of annoying things like plot, dialogue, characterization, point of view, grammar, etc.

[02] No problem!

[03] It's really quite easy, if you know the formula. All you have to do is fill in the blanks. Let me show you:

To be honest, Gabrielle, I'm usually too tired after doing heroic
deeds all day to think much about 'doing it'.

Things usually start innocently enough for Xena and Gabby.

"The Formula"

[04] Xena and Gabrielle were in trouble, and they had no idea how to get out of the mess they were in. Because

  1. of a god,
  2. they had tasted the water of a mysterious river,
  3. of an ancient prophecy,
  4. of bad couscous,
[05] they had both been transformed into

  1. each other.
  2. centaurs.
  3. gods.
  4. time-warped replacement singers for the Bay City Rollers.

The Heimlich Maneuver?  Sorry, Joxer, I don't know that one.

Gabby always has time for a snack.

[06] They knew they had to find a solution to this terrible occurrence. Xena immediately began mulling plans while Gabrielle

  1. talked about being hungry.
  2. rooted through her pack for bread and cheese as she talked about being hungry.
  3. showed off her abs while rooting through her pack for bread and cheese as she talked about being hungry.
  4. had longing thoughts about Xena while she showed off her abs while rooting in her pack for bread and cheese as she talked about being hungry.

[07] Happily, Xena remembered

  1. that an antidote was buried in a town with a Greek-sounding name.
  2. that a god owed her a favor.
  3. that if she gathered enough mirrors, she could fix her hair really pretty.
  4. that a dimensional portal was due to open up.

[08] Immediately, the two women set off in search of the solution. As they walked, they had time

  1. to do endless soul-searching and have a 40 page heart-to-heart talk.
  2. to play some mindless guessing games so they could show off how competitive they were.
  3. to not say a word but carry on internal dialogues about each's true feelings for the other -- long enough to turn a short story into an epic.
  4. for Gabrielle to earn several dinars telling stories to passers-by and for Xena to hide because she hated stories about herself (which gave her time to think about her dark past).

Gives a whole new outlook to 'dry cleaning'

Joxer penned himself three nekkid Gabrielles.

[09] While trying to find a way out of their pickle of a predicament, they decided to spend the night

  1. in an inn that included a hot tub.
  2. in a beautiful forest glade with a waterfall and a natural hot tub.
  3. in a cave with a hot springs that was mysteriously tub shaped.
  4. in the city of Hoteous Tubeous, where they could finally get a bath.

[10] That evening, they suddenly realized that

  1. they loved each other as more than just friends (congrats, your story is alt.).
  2. they loved each other as only best friends could (congrats, your story is general).
  3. their souls would live through eternity (congrats, your story is uber).
  4. Joxer is an idiot, and they shouldn't let him hang around anymore (congrats, your story will be read).

[11] Then Gabrielle told Xena, for the first time,

  1. that she was secretly in love with her.
  2. that she had some couscous stuck in her teeth.
  3. that she believed in Xena's internal goodness, and would always be by her side.
  4. that bilious green was her favorite color.

[12] In return, Xena told Gabrielle

  1. that she was secretly in love with her.
  2. that good dental hygiene was essential to a warrior lifestyle.
  3. that Gabrielle was her moral compass and was the sole reason Xena had been able to change her evil ways.
  4. that bilious green was her favorite color.

[13] Immediately,

  1. they made wild, passionate alt-fic love for about 16 pages.
  2. they fell asleep, exhausted.
  3. they talked in a general sense about cute guys they'd met in their travels.
  4. one of them got hurt and the other comforted her.

[14] The next morning, the two

  1. friends
  2. lovers
  3. centaurs
  4. 70's pop sensations

[15] were hot on the trail of the solution to their problem. Suddenly, a band of

  1. thugs
  2. warlords
  3. amazons
  4. paparazzi

[16] attacked them. A fierce battle ensued, in which Xena

  1. did several amazing, gravity-defying feats while whupping hinders.
  2. saved Gabrielle's life six times even as she whupped the entire group's collective hinders.
  3. admired the bard's skill with a staff, even as she whupped most of the group's collective hinders.
  4. ignored all the hinders in favor of a peaceful solution, then realized it was useless and began whupping the aforementioned hinders.

Aphrodite solves another problem -- after creating it in the first place.

[17] When the battle was over, Xena and Gabrielle

  1. saw the god who'd caused this problem in the first place, who then immediately put everything right in a deus ex machina kinda way.
  2. leapt into a portal, happily returning to their own time.
  3. dug up the antidote, then felt themselves being ripped from these foreign forms and returned to their own bodies.
  4. spied the very first ancient Greek Denny's, advertising the grandius slammius.

[18] Their problems over, the two women realized they had learned

  1. that there's no place like home and red spangly shoes are cool.
  2. that true love can defeat any evil.
  3. that lotsa food at low prices isn't good for the waistline.
  4. that they were happy to travel the known world fighting bad guys, as long as they were always together.

[19] The End.


[20] See how easy it is? Now go ahead, try it. Write your own fanfic and take a shot at that elusive prize: web fame (and the thousands of perks that go with it. Um... there are perks, right? Remind me to ask Missy Good if there are perks...)


Joanna Sandsmark Joanna Sandsmark
Joanna is a television writer and a member of the WGA, who recently wrote an issue of Wonder Woman for DC Comics, and is currently writing a novel set in feudal Japan. Occasionally, she does voice-over work, including an appearance in the cartoon Rugrats as a Swedish dog groomer.
Favorite episode: A DAY IN THE LIFE (39/215), THE DEBT 1&2 (52-53/306-307), and THE BITTER SUITE (58/312)
Favorite line: Xena: "Wow, would you look at that? Wonder what else is in these clothes; they're hand-me-downs, you know." DREAMWORKER (03/103). "Go home. There are thousands more like me." ONE AGAINST AN ARMY (59/313)
First episode seen: WARRIOR...PRINCESS (15/115)
Least favorite episode: THE QUILL IS MIGHTIER...(56/310)

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