From the Editor-in-Chief:
WHOOSH FUTURES ARE UP!
From the Graphics Editor:
THE NIGHT OF THE SALACIOUS SURVEY

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From the Editor-in-Chief:
WHOOSH FUTURES ARE UP!

This is a graph of the visitor count for WHOOSH. Please note how the 2000 line goes up instead of down like all but one of the previous years.

Them visitors just a-keep-on coming!

This represents the 2nd All Fan Fiction issue that was conceived of and guest edited by Bongo Bear!

Bongo Bear, come on down and accept the accolades of your peers!!!

Way to go, ursine. You bucked a trend that we had thought was unbuckable (and unbearable too!). This is like breaking the sound barrier. Your mother should be proud.

Kym Masera Taborn
Editor-in-Chief/Publisher
Executive Committee
Calabasas, California
August 23, 2000

From the Graphics Editor:
THE NIGHT OF THE SALACIOUS SURVEY

The (meant to be amusing, don't take it seriously kids) Summer 2000, Season Five retrospective survey:

Overall, Season Five:

1) Was the very apex of television itself. (5 points)
2) Was as good as anything else in its genre. (3 points)
3) Sucked rocks so bad I still have a mouthful of gravel. (1 point)
4) There was a Season Five? (0 points)

The Season Opener, FALLEN ANGEL:

1) Was an absolute masterpiece that wrapped up the open issues of Season Four like a Boxing Day package. (5 points)
2) Was every bit as good as the STARGATE episode on that week. (3 points)
3) Had me busting a gut laughing until I realised it wasn't a comedy. (1 point)
4) Don't angels have wings to keep them from falling? (0 points)

The new chakram weapon is:

1) Really keen. The yin/yang/duality element is cool. (5 points)
2) Kinda like the post-1992 Saabs: more high tech but people familiar with the old body style will continue to be loyal to it. (3 points)
3) Really goofy. Nothing like destroying an icon of the show to give you a sense of discontinuity. (1 point)
4) Do you get one with the George Forman grill if you order right away? (0 points)

The two Chin episodes were:

1) A brilliant follow-up to the Lao Ma story and even better. (5 points)
2) Balanced between Joxer and super-powers. (3 points)
3) Mistakes that never should have seen the light of day, let alone cast in stone. (1 point)
4) Those aren't the same twins as on FULL HOUSE, are they? (0 points)

The "Twilight of the gods" thread was:

1) Sheer genius, and a terrific follow-on to the "India" arc in much the same way that Schopenhauer built on Kantian metaphysics. (5 points)
2) Better than that Dahak stuff a couple of seasons ago. (3 points)
3) Just plain silly and a thinly veiled attempt to fill my head with bible story stuff. (1 point)
4) Is that like THE TWILIGHT ZONE? (0 points)

The musical episode was:

1) Absolutely stunning. It should be made into a play starring Lucy Lawless and given a dozen Tony awards. (5 points)
2) Different. (3 points)
3) So bad I had to alternate using my hands to cover my eyes and ears. (1 point)
4) Can I get the soundtrack for my 8-track? (0 points)

MARRIED WITH FISH STICKS was:

1) The epitome of comic talent. Deserves an Emmy nomination for its wit and originality.(5 points)
2) The only Season Five episode to do better in the ratings on its repeat showing (3.6) than on its debut showing (3.5). (3 points)
3) An episode that should never have been made. All copies should be collected and burned. Let us never speak of this again. (1 point)
4) Isn't that the show about the Bundy family? (0 points)

LIFEBLOOD showed us:

1) That any show with Amazons is automatically ten times better by definition. (5 points)
2) Clips from the pilot AMAZON HIGH. (3 points)
3) Why Claudia Black has a series of her own and Selma Blair doesn't. (1 point)
4) Wasn't that an Alfred Hitchcock film? (0 points)

The costumes in Season Five:

1) Continue to get better and better with each passing season. (5 points)
2) Did not violate child labour laws. (3 points)
3) Make it clear that N'gila Dickson should be hit over the head and dragged back to Renaissance by her hair. (1 point)
4) Isn't that pretty much the same thing you see at Wal-Mart? (0 points)

Gabby taking a chakram to the head in MOTHERHOOD was:

1) An essential dramatic device that really conveyed Xena's concern for Gabrielle and her welfare above and beyond the violent act itself. (5 points)
2) Proof that good triage is essential to surviving severe battle wounds. (3 points)
3) Yet another reason I quit watching the show two seasons ago, even though I really keep watching "just in case it gets good again". (1 point)
4) One way to get a chakram without paying $300 for it. (0 points)

The results:

50 points: You need to get a life. Nothing is that good.

11-49 points: You need to get a life. Nothing is worth that kind of analysis.

1-10 points: You need to get a life. Such pessimism will give you health problems.

0 points: You need to get a life. It's still summer, Dude! Why are you wasting time taking (or creating) goofy quizzes at a computer when you can be outside?

Bret Rudnick
Graphics Editor
Executive Committee
Hermosa Beach, California
23 August 2000