SO YOU WANT TO BE A TEDITE?
So, you want to be a Tedite? Who could blame you?
Certainly not the members of the Ted Raimi
International Fan Club (or TRIFC, pronounced
"terrific"), who have known for years just what a major
talent and what an all-around super guy Ted Raimi is.
As any Tedite will tell you, the rewards of being an
avid Tedite are numerous and undeniable, but fair
warning, it's not that easy. Coming out of the closet
and admitting your adoration for Ted after a year of
vehement denials is nothing compared to the travails
that now await you. Tedites may tell you that it is as
easy as subscribing to a mailing list and visiting a
website. (Or for those not on-line, as easy as dropping
a note to the TRIFC headquarters and asking nicely.)
Don't believe them. They're just tempting you to swim
in what you perceive to be the calm and tranquil waters
of solidarity and friendship when in fact they are
luring you to your doom. Much like the sirens did
Odysseus in the Odyssey. (See #10 below.) The TRIFC has
a strict list of requirements for members and an
extremely unique creed of behavior. So before you sign
up, take a gander at the list below and be warned.
Once you join us, your life will change forever.
A Tedite must be:
Roams through the countryside
1. OBSESSIVE.
A. You must fit descriptions listed in Top ten lists:
For example:
(1) "You Know You're Joxer-obsessed When:"
You find yourself fascinated by pasta-strainers.
When confronting your boss/significant other/dog, you
glower and snarl "Don't make me hurt you."
You shout "Farewell my warrior chums!" before leaving
work/school for the day.
The phrase "manly resolve" keeps popping into your head
and reduces you to gales of hysterical laughter, even
during highly inappropriate moments.
You have no problems whatsoever with being called a
"needy woman."
You start canceling your tae kwondo classes for your
archery lessons. Or your lute lessons.
(2) "You Know You're Tim-Obsessed When:"
You find yourself speaking in obscure foreign languages
and become upset when people tell you your German
accent is atrocious.
You find yourself buying "days of the week" underwear
for your kids/significant other/mom.
The words "white legs" is enough to put you in a state
of dreamy euphoria.
(3) "You Know You're Ted-Obsessed When:"
You actually have your own Top Ten list.
You start capitalizing the three letters of his name
wherever you find them; i.e., TEDious, infatuaTED,
interesTED, commitTED, incapacitaTED, decapitaTED.
You actually write articles like this one.
You have your own webpage devoted to Ted:
The TRIFC homepage:
http://www.stgenesis.org/~inga/TedRaimi/
VIP's salute to Ted Raimi:
http://www.pitzer.edu/departments/Career_Services/ted.html
The Temple of Joxer:
http://www.concentric.net/~Errorlog/joxgate.html
Ciara's Page: A Depository of (mostly) Ted-inspired Madness:
http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/1730/
He never needs a place to hide
2. VALOROUS.
Willing to battle Xena for the chance to hang out with
Joxer.
Willing to take on Kimura for breaking Tim's heart.
Willing to risk the wrath of an entire newsgroup for
uncomplimentary remarks directed towards your favorite
Mighty Warrior.
3. PROTECTIVE.
Peace-loving but not opposed to violence, especially in
the face of detractors, critics, newsgroups who demand
Joxer's death, vengeful Daggers, Captains who throw
Communication Officers out of their chairs, Ensigns who
push ice cream into their date's face, psychotic
warlords, ancient mythological gods who play around
with people's lives and people who mention the word
"nepotism" in your presence.
Righting wrongs and singing songs
4. IMMUNE TO MAJOR PLOT HOLES, IMPLAUSIBLE
ILLOGIC AND
IRRECONCILABLE PARADOX.
A. Must never question the writers of Ted's shows no
matter what Laws of the Universe they break. Practice
saying these lines in private:
"Yes, I know the seaQuest reappearing mysteriously in
the middle of a cornfield after ten years is a little
strange but wasn't Tim adorable?"
"Yes, I know that man-eating plant episode made you
throw up but wasn't Ted adorable?"
"Yes, I know having two other Xena look-alikes was
stretching the plot a little but wasn't Joxer
adorable?"
"Yes, I know that "Skinner" was a little bloody and
skinning people is a little disgusting but wasn't
Dennis adorable?"
Willing to get a lobotomy for permanent suspension
of
disbelief.
Would die for a Xena episode featuring three Joxers.
5. POLITICALLY CORRECT.
No furs, no chauvinists, no polluting of oceans, no
whaling. Must write on every available space on both
sides of the paper, and be obsessed with saving trees.
Buy only dolphin-friendly brands of tuna. Nuclear
explosions okay as long as you guarantee he's alive at
the end.
Extra credit for actually being a vegetarian, instead
of only Catholic and eating fish on Fridays.
6. SUPERIOR IN INTELLIGENCE.
Only idiots don't like Ted. 'Nuff said.
Be able to quote all his lines from memory, even the
ones spoken in obscure foreign languages or from under
a latex mask while his mouth is filled with blood.
Be able to recognize him under a latex suit and mask or
wearing an orange beard, or from split-second
appearances where you can only see the back of his
head, or from feet portrayed in video boxes.
Have absolutely no problem understanding the strange
twists of the minds or strange lapses in logic of
writers, especially those of the seaQuest 3rd season
episodes. When faced with less-gifted viewers, must
come up with sensible explanations for each
inconsistency. Practice looking superior and sounding
sincere in private. If this is impossible, practice
giving pitying looks and making obscure references
about some people's cerebral limitations.
Must know the difference between a ship and a boat.
Must know the difference between a lute and a lyre.
Must be able to tell which one is Xena, which one is
Princess Diana and which one is Meg even when they are
wearing identical clothing and not speaking a word,
just by the look in their eyes when confronting Joxer.
Being mighty all day long
7. BE THE PROUD OWNER OF A WICKED SENSE OF
HUMOR.
Or in the absence of the above, be forgiving of
Tedites that do. Especially those that write
fanfiction. (A strong heart and unshakable composure
can't hurt, either.)
8. NEAT AND ORDERLY.
Have all your Ted tapes arranged by date and
cross-referenced by subject. Ditto with all your
articles and photos.
Extra points for having the "length of actual
appearance" and "number of lines" along with the
synopsis and cast in your tape labels.
Under no circumstances can any reptiles be found on
your head. Not even if the poor thing was cold and
needed a home.
9. COMMITTED.
(Figuratively, not literally.)
Willing to spend each one night each week for the rest
of your life in front of the television even under the
threat of blindness or irreversible idiocy.
Willing to watch his Baywatch episode. Willing to tape
it. Willing to watch it again.
Staying up till 3 a.m. to see "Clear and Present
Danger" on cable when you have a breakfast meeting at 7
a.m.
Telling your best friend that no, she absolutely can
not get married on March 31st, or if she insists then
she'll have to find another Maid of Honor because there
is absolutely no way you're going to miss the
re-premier of sQ on the Sci-Fi channel. (And no, she
can't have her shower on March 1st, either. You have to
be in San Francisco then.)
10. AN EXPERT IN MYTHOLOGY.
Must know that Poseidon invented the horse, Athena had
no Mother (lucky her) and sirens are half-bird/half
women and are totally different creatures from the
mermaids.
Know that Dionysius is actually the Greek god of wine
(Bacchus is Roman) but letting it pass because
"stalking the Dionicchae" just doesn't sound right.
Extra credit given to those who are in possession of
souvenir segments of the original Trojan Horse or dryad
bones.
11. FASHIONABLE.
Must know what shoes go with tin foil, what pants go
with what produce and how to make silverware into
accessories. (Although clothing made from people's
skins can be termed a little excessive, Tedites are
more open-minded.)
Extra points for items of clothing from the 30's, in
navy blue, velvet or depicting smiley-faces.
With Gabby as his sidekick
12. A LOVER OF POETRY.
Must know at least ten words that rhyme with dad and
actually have a theory on what a sword might be bored
with. Must use "thee" and "thou" properly.
Must be able to write a haiku. (Or at the very least
know what a haiku is.)
Must be able to write a dirty ditty or a sensitive
dirge on a minute's notice. Extra points if they rhyme.
Or if they actually make sense.
13. EAGER, ENERGETIC AND PERSISTENT.
Willing to stay up until 4 a.m. debating "Ted vs.
Theodore."
Willing to stay up until 6 a.m. discussing the
differences between Tim and Joxer and debate on who is
cuter.
Excited by the prospect of spending a huge amount of
money to see a two hour film featuring a three-second
Tedbit.
Willing to search the internet every day for new Ted
material and be deliriously happy each time the website
is updated.
14. FRIENDLY.
(Also see #3)
Willing to accept anyone as a bosom buddy as long as
she/he agrees Ted is adorable and is willing to share.
Is beloved of all the forest animals and talks to
trees. And dolphins. And talking heads (not the music
group.)
15. GENEROUS.
Willing to share Ted custody, Ted news, Ted articles,
Ted clips, Ted gossip, Ted photos, Ted's address, Ted's
phone number, Ted's shirt and Ted's shoe size with
anyone who asks.
Willing to re-tape and send Ted episodes to less-
fortunate Tedites.
Willing to make allowances for severe lapses in logic
by so-called sci-fi writers who will remain nameless.
16. SHAMELESS.
Able to read Joxer-inspired fanfiction without
having
conniptions.
Willing to beg total strangers to send you Ted-info.
Willing to go up to perfect strangers asking to borrow
their magazines because it looks vaguely sci-fi and it
might have an article on seaQuest or Xena.
Willing to go to television network executives and
demand they revive seaQuest. Or barring that demand
that a certain comedy-relief sidekick get his own show.
Calling up a certain television channel, telling them
that if they don't get off their behinds and buy the
second seasons of XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS and HERCULES:
THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS and show them ASAP you will
throw a curse that will make all of them lose their
hair.
Willing to go stake out a certain hotel pool because
somebody mentioned he used to swim there.
He's Joxer—he's Joxer the Mighty!
17. SENSITIVE AND SYMPATHETIC.
Must use the word "angst" at least once a day. Must use
it properly. Extra points if the name "Tim" enters into
the same conversation.
Willing to listen to the mad ramblings of fellow
Tedites. Actually understand. Willing to lie in the
face of the other person's extreme depression or
delusion.
For example:
(1) "Yes, I'm sure that they'll revive seaQuest. No, it
doesn't matter that it's been a year. They have to come
to their senses sometime."
(2) "No, I'm sure this thing with Meg isn't serious."
(3) "Well, _of course_ he'd like you. How could he not?
You just have to meet him, that's all."
Become weepy each time Tim has a personal crisis.
Get sympathetic pains whenever Joxer gets into a
noselock.
Understand that Dennis Skinner is only victim of his
childhood experiences and if skinning people is how he
chooses to deal with his frustrations then who are we
to stand in the way?
18. IMAGINATIVE.
Delusional is acceptable as long as your delusions
don't contradict the delusions of others.
For example:
(1) Think that Tim being a Catholic like you is a sign
from the gods that you and Ted are meant for each
other.
(2) Think that Hank writing poetry like you do is a
sign from the gods that you and Ted are meant for each
other.
(3) Think that Joxer being chased by a dog like you
were in the third grade is a sign from the gods that
you and Ted are meant for each other.
(4) Think that you and Ted are meant for each other.
Can rationalize the strange twists of the minds of the
sQ writers. Especially those of the third season.
Practice saying these lines:
(1) "Well, it's _possible_, isn't it?"
(2) "It can happen, can't it?"
(3) "Well, it made perfect sense to _me._"
19. FAITHFUL AND TRUE.
Be interested in other men only if you can honestly say
he reminds you of Ted.
Be reminded of Ted each time you see somebody with
glasses.
Be reminded of Ted each time you hear or read sappy
poetry, or you see somebody wearing silverware.
Think that Hollywood exists solely to bring Ted into
your living room.
Everybody likes him
20. SUPPORTIVE.
Willing to exhaust your trust fund in search of a copy
of his lottery commercial.
Willing to watch all of Sam's films/projects even when
you _know_ Ted isn't there, because after all, you
never know, he _might_ be.
Willing to watch his every role, no matter how short,
cheesy or gory. Even the seaQuest third season
episodes.
Be willing to spend the rest of your life in front of
the tube, searching the net and poring over magazines
for the word Raimi. (_Any_ Raimi, you're that
desperate.)
So, are you convinced? Ready to shuck the bonds of
blandness and conformity and join our ranks?
Congratulations! You won't regret it. We Tedites are
mad but we revel in our madness. (And in times of
trouble we double as a support group.) We warn you
though, what we have is catching. At latest count we
span a grand total of 8 countries, and more members
come in each day.
To join the Ted Raimi International Fan Club or to just
drop by and see what we're up to, check out the TRIFC
homepage at URL:
http://www.stgenesis.org/~inga/TedRaimi/
This is the coolest site imaginable, with practically
all information available on Ted, including a regular
report on all Club activities -- the TRIFC Tribune.
>From there you can get to know Ted (and TRIFC) better
or go to other Ted-related sites. Don't forget to sign
the guestbook! Or you can email either Lana, our
president (Hail to the President!) at LanaGail@aol.com
or Inga, our webmistress (Hail Inga!) at
Jovanka@juno.com.
There are two mailing lists available, the TRIFC
regular list and the TedTales list (for Ted-inspired
fanfiction.) For instructions on how to subscribe,
please drop TRIFC a line. Again, you have to ask
nicely.
For those with no access to the 'net, drop a note to
our headquarters: Ted Raimi International Fan Club
P.O. Box 484 Ostemo MI 49077-484 USA and address the
letter to Inga. There is a newletter, the TRIFC
Talisman, available by mail so be sure to enclose extra
SASEs or IRCs so we can send you Ted-info and materials
as they become available.
By the way, Ted does know about us and as far as we
know is pressing no charges nor filing for restraining
orders. In fact, from the mails he's been sending it
seems he's having as much fun with us as we are with
him. What more can we ask for? (No, don't answer that.)
So what do you say? See you there? Great! In the
meantime, I gotta go stake out a certain hotel pool...
Farewell my warrior chums!
'Cause he has a funny grin
Joxer—
Joxer the Mighty
