XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS AND THE MORTALITY RATE OF SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
IAXS Project #145
By Tricia Murphy (iaxs@teleport.com)
Copyright © 1997 held by author
2107 words


EDITOR COMMENT:

Ms. Murphy intends to prepare an update to this article in the near future.



...

Beware those who attempt to date the dynamic duo


Xena casts a sultry gaze to a crowd of men in the local pub. Gabrielle lifts a corner of her skirt to show a little leg, her blue eyes blinking shyly at the patrons.

"Don't go near them, men!" shouts a warlord. "One night of love will cost you dearly!" he adds.

Gabby lifts her slender hand and blows a long, slow kiss, while Xena glances towards a nearby hot tub.

"Watch out," shouts another. "stay away if you value your lives!"

Our two heroines take a step closer to the crowd, their eyes half closed with desire. The men scatter. Pottery breaks. Tables turn over. Screams are heard. Then silence. Suddenly A breeze sifts through the pub's now swaying open door, bringing with it the dust left behind by many fleeing sandals.

It is amazing that there has not been a scene like this in any episode to date. Either the men are completely clueless, or Xena is not as well known as we are led to believe. To be sure, Xena and Gabrielle could be more like Callisto and warn the poor fellows beforehand by saying, basicly, "If you fall in love with me, you'll have to die." Yet they refrain from doing this. Why?

Maybe they crave love so deeply that it overrides their concern that, chances are, their significant others will end up lying dead in the dirt. Or perhaps, just maybe, they think this curse will lift itself when the right guy comes along. This is, however, debateable.

Let us pose these questions:

(1) "Have they all been True Significant Others?" and

(2) "Have all their love interests ended up dead?"

For instance, Xena was with both Iolaus and Hercules. And they are still live! Albeit, Hercules is a demi-god. Yet, Iolaus is just an ordinary guy. What sets him apart from the others? Could Iolaus be Xena's "Mr. Right"? What if Gabrielle and Hercules became romanticaly involved? That would be a switch! Main heroine with sidekick, sidekick with main hero. Hmmm....

For now, let's review Xena and Gabby's "acquaintences", "friends", and "love interests" so far. The answer to these, and other pressing issues, might lie within. Those who are ruled out as true "significant others" will be marked with an "N/A" for "Non-Applicable".

HERCULES: THE LEGENDARY JOURNEYS

"The Warrior Princess" Episode #09


...

Hercules made it out alive....barely


(1) Xena seduces Iolaus. Infamous Hot Tub Scene. However, darn it, she's really just out to get Hercules. This spoils our theory of Iolaus being Mr. Right!! Xena merely used him.

(2) Xena with Theodorus. A loyal pawn. One of many whom she held under her command by use of her womanly ways and warrior abilities. Xena had immense sexual power, and knew how to use it. Her minions would die for her, and usually did.

(3) Xena with Estrogon. Yet another loyal pawn. Though I keep wanting to call him "Estrogen" instead, he obviously thought he had more testosterone than Theodorus.

In fact, I'm pretty sure that each one of Xena's loyal pawns must have thought himself tougher than the last.

Rank/Health Status:

(1) N/A Mortal/Alive!
(2) N/A Mortal/Dead.
(3) N/A Mortal/Dead.

"The Gauntlet". Episode #12

Xena begins the change. Iolaus does not like her much anymore.

Rank/Health Status:

N/A Mortal/Still Alive!

"Unchained Heart". Episode #13

Xena with Hercules. He melts her evil heart and helps her change her ways.

Rank/Health Status:

Demi-god/Alive!

*Deemed True Significant Other

XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
FIRST SEASON

"Sins of the Past" Episode #01

Xena with Draco. One-sided love interest on Draco's part.

Rank/Health Status:
N/A Mortal/Alive!

"Chariots of War" Episode #02

(1) Xena with Darius. Though it looked promising, life with a peace-loving do-gooder wouldn't have worked anyway. Heck, everytime you brought up a problem you'd just get a peace-keeping "Yes, Dear" in reply.

If it weren't for his cute, endearing kids, I think Xena would have offed him eventually. Or ran screaming from the hut one dark night.

...

Trying to pick up Gabrielle in a bar can be hazardous to your health


(2) Gabrielle with The Warlord's son. Passing interest, but N/A.

Rank/Health Status:
1)Mortal/Alive!

*Deemed True Significant Other for Xena.

"Dreamworker" Episode #03

Gabrielle with Morpheus. One-sided. Gabby refuses to be the bride of a dream god. Go figure.

Rank/Health Status:
N/A God/Alive!

"The Path Not Taken" Episode #05


...

Marcus died several times in order to date Xena


Xena and Marcus. He ranks right up there with Gabrielle and Hercules on Xena's list of "Friends". A List that is very difficult to be placed on. Xena sings the death dirge at his funeral pyre, obviously very attached to the guy.

Seen again in...

"Mortal Beloved" Episode #16

Xena joins Marcus in the Underworld on a quest to return the helmet of invisibility to Hades. Here we see that love can survive even the separation of death.

Rank/Health Status:
Mortal/Dead.

*Deemed True Significant Other.

"The Reckoning" Episode #06

Xena with Ares. One-sided on Ares' part. He wanted her to be his War Queen. Xena wouldn't go for it.

Rank/Health Status:
N/A God/Alive!

"The Titans" Episode #07


...

The Titans allowed Gabrielle a little fling


Xena, Gabby, and the "big guy". No love interest here! Though Gabby did get a little carried away with having a large man at her beck and call.

Rank/Health Status:
N/A Titan/Turned to stone.

"Prometheus" Episode #08

Xena and Herc, at it again.

Rank/Health Status:
Demi-god/Alive Still!

"Death In Chains" Episode #9

Gabrielle with Talus. Though Talus was doomed from the start, Gabby didn't know this. They were like the perfect couple. Perhaps that was our first clue of just how doomed he was.

Rank/Health Status:
Mortal/Dead.

*Deemed True Significant Other.

"Beware of Greeks Bearing Gifts" Episode #12

Gabrielle with Perdicus. Reunited with her ex-fiance, Gabby sees that he has now become a buff and manly guy! She is IMPRESSED! Whoo-hoo! However, in the end, Perdicus leaves to escort Helen Of Troy to safety.

We see Perdicus again in ...

"The Return of Callisto" Episode #29


...

Perdicus was doomed the moment he stopped chasing Helen


It is here that Gabby and Perdicus ultimately wed. It is a sweet moment. A moment in which we suspend our belief that it can't possibly work and immerse ourselves in the joyous couple's honeymoon. All too soon Callisto shatters their joy, and we suffer with Gabby as she becomes a young widow.

Rank/Health Status:
Mortal/Dead.

*Deemed True Significant Other.

"Athens City Academy of Performing Bards" Episode #13

None: Though Gabby was really nice to Homer. (aka: "Orion")

Rank/Health Status:
N/A Mortal/Alive!

"A Fistful of Dinars" Episode #14

Xena's past lover Petracles meets Gabby and practicaly sweeps her off her feet. It is debateable to this day as to whether Xena still had feelings for him. He was, after all, another one of her ex-fiances. And She seemed adament to warn Gabby of his wiley ways. To us, Petracles came across as being the irresistable bad boy who in the end turned out not to be all bad. When this happens to a guy in XWP, it's usually right before they die. Petracles was no exception.

Rank/Health Status:
Mortal/Dead.

*Deemed True Significant Other.

"A Royal Couple of Theives" Episode #17


...

Autolycus survived for some reason


How Xena managed to be immune to Autolycus' charms I'll never know! Okay, so he was somewhat obnoxious. Yet... Charming!

Rank/Health Status:
N/A due to return in a future episode!

"The Prodigal" Episode #18

Gabrielle and Meleager "Ooooo...now I know why they call you...The Mighty!". Only feigned love interest here, folks!

Rank/Health Status:
Mortal/Alive, but N/A.

"Death Mask" Episode #23

Gabrielle with Toris. Xena's older brother Toris says "How do you stand that annoying girl?" No love interest here!

Rank/Health Status:
Mortal N/A Went home to mother.


SECOND SEASON

"Orphan Of War" Episode #25

In this we hear about Borias, father to Xena's son Solan. Part of Xena's wicked past, he evidently betrayed her in her war against the centuars. Ultimately, we later learn that he was in turn killed by Dagnine.

Rank/Health Status:
Mortal/Dead.

*Deemed True Significant Other.

"Remember Nothing" Episode #26

Mystery seems to surround what the heck happened to Xena's former fiance Mathius, who appears here in Xena's past. Perhaps he was just too annoying to worry about. At some point, though, they must have been very close.

Rank/Health Status:
Mortal/Missing In Action.

*Deemed True Significant Other.

"Giant Killer" Episode #27


...

Xena always has bad luck with giants


Goliath was just a friend to Xena. Though their intertwined troubled history left us feeling her remorse in the end for the big guy.

Rank/Health Status:
N/A Giant/Dead.

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" Episode #28

Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer meet the Bacchae. The potential for all kinds of love interests abounds. However, the Bacchae motto seems to be "If you want my love, you got to drink the blood". Xena and Gabby say, basicly, "Thanks, but no thanks".

As for Joxer, this could have been a real boost for his lovelife!

Rank/Health Status:
N/A Vampire-types/some dead, some alive.

"Warrior...Princess...Tramp" Episode #30

Xena with Joxer. Scarey, eh? Okay, it's actually Meg (the tramp) and Joxer. In fact, Joxer mistakes Xena for the amourous Meg and nearly gets killed for his momentary game of "touchy-feely".

But, hey, with all the Xena's, Dianas, and Megs running around in this episode, you can't really blame the guy.

Rank/Health Status:
N/A Goofball/Battered, yet still alive.

Here's the Tally:

True Significant Others who were;

Mortal:

Gods:

One-sided loves and friends:

Of the 8 which can fairly be given the title of "significant other", the toll is 5 characters which met an undesireable fate as a result of their involvement with Xena and Gabrielle. The love interest having been from both parties involved. This seems to be shared equally between Xena and Gabrielle, each with a score of 3 dead, with the two sharing Petrocles as a significant other. Of those 6 who had shown interest, but got no interest in return that didn't include an ulterior motive, 2 are dead. (Of the ones we know about. I'm sure there's scores more we don't.)

Now, we'll answer those questions:

Q) Have they all been significant others?
A) No. Though they were significant to the story, they weren't all True loves.

Q) Have all their love interests turned up dead?
A) No, though the odds aren't favorable. Five dead, One survived (Darius), and one is missing (Mathius). The later many believe to be dead, though I list him as MIA. With a score of 4 alive and 2 dead in the one-sided love category it would appear to be safer to love Xena or Gabrielle just as long as they had NO CHANCE of ever feeling the same about YOU.

Q) Could Iolaus be Xena's "Mr. Right"?
A) Nope! We ruled him out as a "True Significant Other." Although, I personally find him far more attractive, charming, and endearing than the mighty Hercules.

Now, the results of our study also show that Gabrielle has the surprising status of having no significant others who have survived! Heck, Xena has one (and possibly two!) who lived. Yet Gabrielle, perhaps because she is younger and less....traveled, seems to have the odds against her. However, Xena and Gabrielle live in a time when the mortality rate of everyone was pretty darn high. In their travels they've met many who have lost significant others. It would make some sense that our heroines would be no different in their suffering. Eventually, their world will know less war, aside from the occational village squabble, and the medical practices will improve. When all is settled, maybe they'll both find the peace of lasting love. A time when you know there's little chance of someone dying who isn't a god. Then there are those who say "It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." For now, who can blame them for trying.

Come to think of it, Joxer always seems to come away from a battle okay.....

Nah!

...

Joxer got a marriage out of the deal!


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