Whoosh! I am NOT homophobic **SLAP** I am NOT homophobic **SLAP** I am NOT homophobic **SLAP**
You know you have made it in Pine Valley
when you have been KaneSlapped (tm)


Lena Kundera
on
ALL MY CHILDREN

May 29, 2003


n045
(Lena on Next on AMC)
030529
Last update: 11/26/03


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PLAYERS
SYNOPSIS
RE-CAPS
ALL GAY RE-CAP
PARODY
QUOTES
TRANSCRIPT
CLIPS



PLAYERS


Erica Kane
Lena Kundera (Olga Sosnovska)




SYNOPSIS

Next on AMC: Erica slaps Lena for messing with Bianca



RE-CAPS:

From The Official Site at ABC.com:
http://abc.go.com/daytime/allmychildren/episodes/2003-04/20030529.html

No Lena mention

From About All My Children
http://allmychildren.about.com/cs/recaps/a/bl20030529r.htm

ON THE NEXT ALL MY CHILDREN:
When Lena insists she loves Bianca, Erica slaps her across the face!
During Leora’s surgery, David cries out, “Oh my god, no, please—her heart isn’t responding!”
Aidan and Kendall, together again, lean in for a kiss.

From Soap Slut
http://pub18.ezboard.com/fsoapslutfrm16.showMessage?topicID=80.topic

On the next All My Children
Erica slaps the CRAP out of Lena.
David’s butting into his spawn’s surgery.
Kendall and Aidan are leaning in for a kiss.




ALL GAY RE-CAP

This all gay recap is by C.K..
Read all the All Gay Re-caps at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheAllGayRecap/.

TODAY ON AMC :

  • Erica pretends to read.
  • Michael is still alive.
  • Erica flips her hair.
  • Tracing Maria's profile is like coloring outside the lines.


Before The Break -
That baby looks dead. And, if she's not, she must be wondering why her butt is getting cranky: come on, did you take a good look at that crib? It's an ass-breaker.

Erica is melodraming on Chris being dead; she tells Jack, her future husband, that she was going to spend the rest of her life with him. Or, well, a bit of it anyway.

Yeah Erica, please: tell Jack more about the fact that Chris is the one who made you love again.

Kendall walks home and finds Michael waiting for her. He's still under the impression he's a man and, apparently, still alive.


At Kendall's - Michael wants Kendall to forgive him for pressing charges against her and tells her he was the one about the be violated before she walked in on him trying to force himself on Erica.

Michael, the only way Erica could ever violate you would be for her to hire 3 guys to do it for her. Or, well, if she were able to piss off Bianca again. And Kendall, please don't hold that look, you know the one, the food one! Stop it right now.

Michael: "I don't want your mother Kendall: I want you."

Yes, because we all know rape is about sex. Not power or, you know, being a disgusting bastard.

Michael drones on and on about Kendall being his One True Love.

Lena has done the same thing with Blanda, I mean, Bianca, but that I believed! SkunkA** is just a pig.


At The Hospital - Erica is handed a letter Chris left for her.

I don't think she knows how to read because she turns that piece of paper over and over and then her eyes fall to the very bottom of the paper and then move up and then she reads right to left: I'm pretty sure it's not in Arabic, Erica.

Lots of hair flipping follows as Erica thinks she's responsible for Chris's death and for Jack getting shot.

She has a reason for saying that, but I'm watching the hair-flipping in slow-and fast- motion until I get bored which, you know, happens pretty quickly.


At Kendall's - Michael tries to kiss her, but Kendall moves away and picks up some sort of vase. She holds it up high and strikes a pose.

What, you want to be a torchbearer at the next Olympics? Oh wait, it's not a vase. What the hell is that thing? Maybe it's a candle, I dunno. Michael calls her "sweetheart" and I think I shall now never be able to refer to my own girlfriend that way ever again.

As Michael is about to close the door, Aidan walks in.

I am grateful to have been spared yet another scene of attempted rape: it's getting to be a bit much. And I can finally take a look around this apartment: I think the color scheme is Bile Yellow and Puke Green. And it all matches Kendall's pants.


The Gasp Factor - I have this thing against fake breasts, especially when they're so huge and incorporated in a small woman's body. Have you taken a look at Maria's breasts? It's shocking, especially in profile: I don't know how she doesn't tip over!


At The Hospital - Erica is going on and on about her responsibility for Chris' death blah, blah, blah: I can't listen to anymore of this.

Jack tells her she’s a stupid bat who needs a lobotomy. Or maybe he tells her she can't blame herself for what any man has ever done to her. All I know is that Erica retreats and says she never said that and then she turns and lets Jack speak to her ass. Again. And then she speaks with it - her ass - and wonders if Jack thinks she is to blame for what every man has ever done to her. Jack, do you know what an albatross is? No? She’s standing right in front of you.

Erica: "I know you don't think I have that kind of power, but what if I do? The power to destroy everything I touch?"

What if you were Spiderman? What if you were less dramatic? Jack doesn't care if you're Waterman. Woman. Whatever. He's a good guy and he's sticking by your side. But, hey, what's the use of a good guy? Erica decides to leave him to save him from her. Now, that's logic I can support!


TOMORROW ON AMC : Erica slaps Lena.





PARODY

This parody is by LizzieT.

No Lena parts today because there was no Lena in the actual show, only the "Next on AMC"

Maria invited Isabella to Wildwind to tell her the good news.
Maria: I'm going to stand here wearing my wedding mantilla and then she'll realize I've got my memory back.
Isabella: :::whack:::: Take off that sacred family mantilla you shameless hussy!
Maria: But...
Isabella: ::::whack::: I won't have you desecrating that sacred garment!
Maria: But...
Isabella: :::whack::::: Take it off before I rip it off of your heathen head.
Maria: Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.
Edmund: She's Maria again Isabella. Her memory has returned.
Isabella: That's wonderful. Now we can forget everything about that awful Maureen person.
Maria: I can't forget about Aidan. He was a big part of my life.
Isabella: :::::whack:::::: You must forget him. I insist.
Maddie: Look Mommy, I found your wedding picture. Let's put it here with my christening picture. Now all the happy times of our family are right here.
Sam: What about me?
Edmund: We let you out of the attic yesterday. What more do you want?

Kendall came home to find Michael waiting for her.
Kendall: How did you get in?
Michael: I oozed under the door. The slugs may not claim me as one of their own anymore but I still have some of their attributes.
Kendall: Get out you repulsive scumbag weanie.
Michael: Ahhh, it sounds like you're starting to miss me. Give me a little kiss. You know you want to. You're making that retching sound that all women make when I'm around.
Aidan: Get yew're sloimy ands off of er!
Lizzie: Thank God Aidan is on today. Whoa, did I just say that?
Michael: I'll just be oozing along now.
Kendall: I'm so glad you showed up when you did.
Aidan: Oi don't ave anything else tew dew. Moi storyloin is over now.
Kendall: Maybe you can be in mine. We had a good time together before.
Aidan: Oi'd loik that. Mighbe me spotted dick will foind appiness after all.

Erica dealt with Chris's death.
Derrick: We just got this letter - special delivery from Pearly Gates Express.
Erica: It's from Chris.
Chris's letter: Yo, Ericer If youse is readin dis letter it means I'm sleepin wid de fishes. I just wanted youse to know how much I loved you. I even loved de sound of your high heels clacking across de floor. Of course dat was before youse stomped all over my heart wid dem. Now dat Flanders de hit man has whacked me youse can find a folder wid enough evidence to send him up de river. I guess I should have turned over de evidence before he whacked me but I never was de smartest character on de show. Dis is goodbye Ericer.
Erica: :::sob:::: It's all my fault Jack. I destroy every man who's ever been with me.
Jack: Don't be silly.
Travis: She has a point. I had a stroke off camera.
Jeremy: I got turned into a statue on another soap.
Mike: I got cremated. Luckily it wasn't permanent.
Dimitri: I married Alex. Talk about suffering.
Erica: See what I mean. I have to leave you in order to save you. Goodbye Jack.
Jack: Oh well. We lasted a month this time. For us that's actually pretty good.



QUOTES

**KANESLAP** (tm)



TRANSCRIPT

Unverified in non-clip parts

***** (clip a) [On the next AMC: Erica slaps Lena]

ON THE NEXT ALL MY CHILDREN:
[amc030529a-inc starts]
When Lena insists she loves Bianca, Erica slaps her across the face!
[amc030529a-inc ends]
During Leora’s surgery, David cries out, “Oh my god, no, please—her heart isn’t responding!”
Aidan and Kendall, together again, lean in for a kiss.



CLIPS

I have the following clips (incompletes are marked "inc"):
amc030529a-inc.mpg (729k; 0:04) On the next AMC: Erica slaps Lena

The above described clips can also be found on my shared folder on AIM (http://www.aim.com to download). My user name on AIM is kymtaborn. E-mail me with your AIM user name (ktaborn@lightspeed.net) and I will give you access to the shared folder. When you have access, you can right click my user name on your buddy list and then click on get file. That should get you into the shared folder. If you have problems, then tweak your firewall. The downloads are slow because it has to go through the AIM filter AND often there are a lot of people downloading along with you. I apologize for the slow speed but this is the only way that I can distribute the clips at this time.

I am eliciting volunteers to host the clips throughout the web. If you have 5-25megs of space you can lend to this project, please let me know!



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