Whoosh! Dr. Evil gets his nickname the honest way! Thank goodness they moved Lena to a real hospital where, um, Dr. Maria the amnesiac can work on her.
Would you trust this man?
Didn't think so

Lena Kundera

September 23, 2003

(Lena mentioned)
Last update: 09/24/03

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Kendall Hart


Kendall asks Dr. David how Lena is and he says she's doing better than they thought she would! (No Lena)


From The Official Site at ABC.com:

David assures Kendall that Bianca was well taken care of at the clinic and also repeats his promise not to tell Bianca about Lena's apparent suicide attempt.

From About All My Children

She [Kendall] gets a call from David, and asks how Bianca is? David says she’s fine, and Kendall asks, “So, it’s over?” David says only that he just sent her home with Maggie. Kendall thinks that’s good, and asks if he’s heard anything about Lena? He says he just called the hospital; Lena’s stable, her vitals are good, and she’s actually doing a lot better than they had expected. He agrees Bianca will never hear about this from him, and so far no one else has said a word. Kendall thanks him so much, saying she doesn’t know what she would have done if he hadn’t been there! David wryly says she would have commandeered the entire clinic to keep Lena alive, “You saved her life, Kendall.” Kendall sighs, “Yeah, well, don’t let it get around, okay?” She hangs up...

From Soap Slut

No mention of Lena, sniff.


This all gay recap is by C.K..
Read all the All Gay Re-caps at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheAllGayRecap/.

Lena parts are indicated in red for those who only want a Lena fix


·         Bianca does something.

·         Maggie thinks she knows what that something is.

·         Kendall is the new Mandark.

·         Doris prefers Juan Pablo.

·         Mary gets the vase.

·         Michael gets the hook.

The Set-Up – While she looks at the tray of WMDs and clutches the gown, David tells Bianca that there’s still time and wants to speak with her before the "procedure." 

At Adam’s crib, Erica is thinks Mary is the new maid.

At the Pine Valley Inn, Greenlee asks Doris to define check out.  Doris is not moved, not even when Greenlee tells her she’d make a better maid.

At the warehouse, Ryan is still flashlighting his way around, then, for something entirely new, he hides.

Kendall, Boyd and Spinelli walk in; they offer to pay Spinelli twice as much as what he got from the other guy which, of course, makes him wonder why they want the place.  It’s because you know who is locked in the you know what.

The Warehouse – Boyd- or, well, Junior, The Corporate Attorney – makes Spinelli nervous.  So does Kendall, the Uptown Broad.  She tells him she needs the warehouse because her company’s expanding; when he refuses to sell, she offers him triple dough.  What are they going to store there, gold? 

Kendall: "Hahahahaha.  Hahahahaha.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha."

Adam’s Crib – Erica just can’t get over Adam’s generosity, so she opts for the next, most plausible explanation:

Erica: "Did you blackmail him, did you whip out a child?"

Erica is the best villain to never turn her neck.  Ever.

So, where are we?  Oh, yeah: Erica has been married to Adam.  Twice.  And this is her advice to Mary: he’s not a lapdog.  He’ll "chew" Mary and "spit [her] out" and Erica will be there to "cheer him on."  So – where’s the advice?

Pine Valley Inn – Doris won’t let Greenlee into Ryan’s room, so she first offers her money, then tells her Ryan, after they spent the night doing you know what gave her a card and she needs to go in and get it. 

Doris: "I say hold on to the one you’re with."

Who, the pillar in white?  With the stubble?  And the protruding jaw?  The incomprehensible one?  Yeah, I’d take anyone over Ryan, too.

Conte De Mumbles is not happy with Greenlee and wants to know just what it is that she hopes to accomplish by searching Ryan’s room; Greenlee spins the Ryan-gave-Kendall-a-ring-and-then-he-dumped-her yarn and says proving to her that he’s back in town will make Kendall give her back Fusion.  It will?  Really?  On what planet?  Are you spending time with Maggie again?

Juan Pablo is as impressed with this as he was with Mary; he tells Greenlee to "go find [her] friend" and call him after she’s done.  There's nothing like being dumped by a man who’s not yet your boyfriend, but – way to go, Juan Pablo!  Now, please, stop being reasonable or McHack will dump your *ss faster than you can say Hola.

Adam’s Crib – Mary’s bling bling broach is not blinging enough to blind Erica.

Erica: "What could you possibly have to offer Adam?"
"Companionship.  Excitement."
Erica: "Like I said, what could you possibly have to offer Adam?"

Ah, class.

Erica: "Is that it, Mary?  You can’t have Jack so you’re making a play for Adam?  And this sure beats bunking with the cabana boy."

See Mary.  See Mary’s last nerve.  See Erica.  See Erica jump on Erica’s last nerve and putting out a cigar on it.  Mary grabs a vase – why is it always vases on this show?  There’s a perfectly ugly sculpture to the left of the flowers! – and throws it at Erica, missing by about a million miles.  Feh, you throw like a girl, Mary.  When the throw fails, Mary begins a war of flailing arms with Erica which she, having daily experience with it, wins.  Adam walks in and is immediately assaulted – verbally, that is – by Erica and Mary, both eager to tell their side of the story.  Adam the father figure.  I’m bored.

The Warehouse – Spinelli, still not convinced of the legitimacy of the deal Kendall has been proposing, changes his tune once she discloses *ssHat is her husband and she needs the deal "to show the world that this company is as strong as ever."  Spinelli begins to come around and the deal is sealed once Boyd assures him they’ll not only pay three times the asking price, but will also cover his losses at the other end.  The wrecking ball is the only loser.

Spinelli and Boyd leave, leaving Ryan and Kendall alone in the warehouse; David calls, tells her Bianca’s fine and has gone home with the troll.  Lena, after her performance as a prop, has recovered and is stable.  They agree not to tell Bianca about the suicide attempt because, after all, it was a stupid, contrived ploy to get Kendall and Bianca together at the clinic: it’s good to know that Lena’s tragedy, which made it on screen for all of 15.4 seconds, was useful to someone.

Ryan knocks something off the shelf, which freaks Kendall out enough to call out, but not enough to actually investigate the source of the noise.  In the end, Ryan is saved by his cousin the rat.

Pine Valley Inn – Greenlee calls off the search for Ryan and goes back to Juan Pablo’s room; she explains that, even though she doesn’t have any feelings for Ryan, she still wants to find out why he’s in town.  Greenlee, get thee another plot because this one is so boring that I’d rather count the petals on Kendall’s next dress explosion.

Adam’s Crib – Taking in Mary is like taking in a stray from the pound, Erica muses; Adam prefers to think of it as saving "pure-bred bitches," which somehow pleases Mary.  *ssHat’s days might be over but, with McThing at the helm, we can continue to count on tried and true misogyny.  Cheers.

Once Mary is off to fetch some champagne glasses, Adam offers to "throw her to the curb" in exchange for Erica’s help in getting their respective companies back from Kendall; Erica agrees, but backs down once Adam includes "teaching Kendall a lesson" into the plan.  She leaves, saying that Bee-yanka needs her.  U-huh, she needs you like she needs Maggie - which is to say, not at all.

The Penthouse – Bianca and Maggie are back.

Maggie: "Are you all right?  You’re so quiet.  Did something happen?"

Maggie, you’re as bright as a newly minted one dollar bill. 

Bianca: "Yes."
Maggie: "What?"
Bianca: "What I wanted to happen."

O…k.  Bianca looks pretty determined: I’m guessing that she’s not had the abortion and we can now look forward to the moo-moos.  Oh, and the "it's all over now" anvils from all those who think VolderFetus is no more.  Splendid.

Erica walks in and stops Maggie from doing anything more for Bianca; before dispatching her, Erica thanks the BFF, who says she loves Bianca and to remember that she’s Erica’s "back-up."  Bianca, honey, run the **** away!

Troll gone, Erica offers to make Bianca some toast – because that’s what you want to eat when you’re ravenous: toast really hits the spot. 

Pine Valley Inn – Kendall, happy that the money transfer has gone through and ecstatic that buying the warehouse will ensure that you know who will never be found, tells the manager she wants to throw the biggest wedding reception ever – for herself and Michael Cambias.  Kendall, why are you so stupid?  You are more and more like your mother every day: you've gone from intermittent lucidity to intelligent during leap years only.

The Warehouse – Ryan forces the lock, makes his way into the freezer and stumbles on:

A) His ex-girlfriend making love;
B) The barrel of a gun;
C) A dead body.

Please of please, let it be B.  And let it be loaded.

The Last Scenes – At his house, Mary pimps herself to Adam.

At the Pine Valley Inn, Greenlee decides to let Kendall find Ryan.  Juan Pablo wonders what her heart desires: what will Greenlee and Juan Pablo do?

A) Learn they’re brother and sister;
B) Make love;
C) Hang upside down in mid-air.

I say they find out they’re brother and sister as they make love while hanging upside down in mid-air.

At the penthouse, Erica is still holding Bianca in a position that would surely snap off Barbie's head.

Erica: "I am so proud of you for making the right decision honey.  And now, darling, it’s over."

Erica, you suck.  Look at Bianca, really look at her.  Does she look like she’s at peace?  And you’re still pimping abortion?  Shut up, you blind, insensitive grandma-to-be!

At the Pine Valley Inn, Kendall wants lots of booze, lots of food, lots of flowers and a band.  After that, rat poison.

At the warehouse, Ryan finds a chained body hanging from a meat hook and spins it around.  Oh, look, it’s Fudgesichael. 

TOMORROW ON AMC:  Mary knows something about Juan Pablo; Kendall wants Aiden to back off; Erica asks David whether something went wrong during Bianca’s procedure; Ryan and Edmund look at Michael’s body.


This parody is by LizzieT.

No Lena parts today!

Erica was surprised to find Mary at Adam's.
Erica: What are you doing here?
Mary: I live here. Adam is going to sponsor my art in return for my companionship.
Erica: Poor Adam. I'd heard he was getting a fall storyline but I had no idea it would be about senility.:::hisss:::
Mary: Tell me Erica, do you need any help sending back all those wedding presents? ::hiss:::
Erica: At least I almost got Jack down the aisle. I hear you couldn't even get him to let you sleep in his car.
Mary: I hate you! ::::tosses vase::::
Erica: :::hair toss:::And they say I'm tempermental.
Mary: :::whack whack:::
Erica:::slap slap:::::
Mary: Oh please, you're not so tough. You fight like Carlos.
Adam: Would you look at this - a cat fight in my living room. This is the best storyline I've had in years.

Greenlee tried to get in to Ryan's hotel room.
Greenlee: I have to go in there. I have to find out what Ryan is doing in Pine Valley.
Juan Pablo: I shall see you later.
Greenlee: Aren't you coming with me?
Juan Pablo: No. I am bored with the storyline of Lurking Ryan. I shall go back to my room and watch bullfighting on ESPN.
Greenlee: Why are you pulling away from me? Did I do something wrong?
Juan Pablo: In my country it is not considered a fun date to watch the woman you are with chase after another man.
Greenlee: You're right. I should concentrate on you. But don't you see? If I can prove that Ryan is really in Pine Valley then Kendall will give me Fusion.
Juan Pablo: Alas, that makes as much sense as your scheme to prove that your mother lied to you about your father.
Greenlee: Whatever.

Ryan looked around the warehouse.
Ryan: Now what could be here that Kendall is so concerned about. Aha - it's Michael.
Rat: Just who are you calling Michael?
Ryan: Sorry.
Rat: You should be. I may be just a rodent but I have feelings you know. Now you'd better hide. Kendall's coming.
Ryan: Thanks.
Kendall: I have to buy this building. I"ll pay you three times what you're asking.
Owner: Why would you do that?
Kendall: My husband has made some bad business decisions and I'm trying to prove that Cambias Industries is solid.
Owner: And your first act is to buy an old building for three times what it's worth? That should make the stockholders feel a whole lot better.
Kendall: So it's a deal? Good. Now everything is going to be all right. Just as long as no one ever opens that locker everything will be fine.
Ryan: ::crash:::
Kendall: Who's there? Michael, is that you?
Rat: How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?
Kendall: Sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Later Kendall went to the Valley Inn.
Kendall: I'd like to throw myself a wedding reception.
Manager: Lovely idea. Would you like an ice sculpture?
Kendall: No. The groom won't be attending.

Ryan opened the locker.
Ryan: :::wide eyed stare:::::: What the h*** is this?
Rat: We've been trying to think of a name for it. I think Scumsicle has a nice ring to it, don't you?
Michael: So this is it. I've been freeze dried and left in a meat locker. Oh well, it could have been worse. When I heard I was going to be found in a meat packing plant I thought I'd probably end up as cocktail weinies.


David: You would've commandeered the entire clinic to keep lena alive. You saved her life, kendall.
Kendall: Yeah, well, don't let it get around, ok?


Unverified in non-clip parts

***** (clip a) [Kendall gets an update on Lena's condition]

kendall: David, hey. How's bianca?
David: She's fine.
Kendall: So it's over?
David: I just sent her home with maggie.
Kendall: Good. Oh, what about lena? Have you heard anything?
David: Yeah, I just called the hospital. Lena's stable. She's -- her vitals are good. She's actually doing a lot better than we expected. Kendall? Are you still there?
Kendall: Yeah, yeah. Can you just please make sure bianca does not find out what lena did?
David: She's not going to hear anything from me. And so far, no one's said a word.
Kendall: Thank you so much, david. I don't know what I would've done if you hadn't been there.
David: You would've commandeered the entire clinic to keep lena alive. You saved her life, kendall.
Kendall: Yeah, well, don't let it get around, ok? Bye.


If you are aware of any of the following clips from this episode, please contact me ASAP, Kym: Clip A

I am eliciting volunteers to host the clips throughout the web. If you have 5-25megs of space you can lend to this project, please let me know!

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