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“When in Rome”  Episode 62/316



Vercinix:  “Take that!”

Roman Soldiers:  “Regroup!”  “Get up!”  “Fall back!”

Vercinix:  “They’re regrouping.”

Mendela:  “Vercinis-- the Romans have attacked the pass.  We can
hold them-- ”

Vercinix:  “How long?”

Mendela:  “Not long-- long enough to get everyone out-- most

Vercinix:  “Clear the village!  Take to the northern hills-- and
regroup!  The Gauls will _not_ be defeated!”

Gauls:  [Cheer]

Vercinix:  “No!  Mendela-- you go with them.”

Mendela:  “But-- ”

Vercinix:  “They need you.  Someone has to lead, and soemone has
to stay here.  Now go.  Get our children to safety.”

Mendela:  “I love you.  Come on.  We’ll wait for your father in
the hills.  Let’s go.”


Roman Soldier:  “Shields!”

Vercinix:  “Gauls!”

Roman Soldiers:  “For the glory of Rome!”  “Attack!”  “Yah!
Yah!”  “Step aside!”  “Take off the net!”  “It’s Caesar!”

JC:  “So-- the legend is lacking-- not quite the god the stories
made you out to be.”

Vercinix:  “Mortals _can_ be conquered, Caesar-- but you’ll
_never_ conquer Gaul!  My people-- !”

JC:  “Your _people_ mean nothing to me.  I only want you,
Vercinix.  Because with you-- I’m going to secure an empire.”


Soldier:  “Syria will bring these Roman dogs to heel-- one dog
at a time!  Him!””


Crassus:  “Xena!”

X:  “Hello, Crassus!  How’s your backside, huh?”


Crassus:  “Ahhh!  Ahhhh!”  [Coughs]

G:  “Xena-- the captain said he’d hold the boat, but he won’t
hold it for long.”

X:  “Suits me-- one of those armies will be coming up this trail
any minute.  All right!  Come on!”

Crassus:  “Oh, Xena!  I’m reluctant to thank you for saving me.
After all, last time I saw you-- you swore you’d kill me on

X:  “That was before you became useful.”

Crassus:  “Crassus, a member of the triumvirate of Imperial
Rome, useful to Xena?”

X:  “I’m gonna trade you for Vercinix.”

Crassus:  “Vercinix-- he was captured by Caesar.  You’re going
up against Caesar.  I have to admit-- I wouldn’t wanna miss this
for the world.”

X:  “Oh, I guarantee-- you’re gonna get a front-row seat.”



[Woman’s Voice singing]

G:  “We’ll be pulling into port, soon.  Here-- hope you like
gruel.  I know it’s not what the Roman elite are used to eating,
but-- ”

Crassus:  “You hate me, too.  Why?”

G:  “You’re a friend of Caesar’s.”

Crassus:  “I’m not his friend.  I’m a convenience-- just as he
is to me-- as Pompey is.  The triumvirate-- is not an easy

G:  “Triumvirate?  What is that?”

X:  “Three warlord rulers instead of one.”

Crassus:  “Warlords-- far from it.  It’s politics.  It’s all
about-- ”

X:  “Power-- nothing more.  Caesar, Pompey, and Crassus share
control of Rome and its provinces.  Each serves to balance the
other.  They hate each other-- but they can’t live without each

Crassus:  “Yes, Xena, it is about power-- the-- appearance of
it, the possession of it, the wielding of it.  You’re-- quite
familiar with that, aren’t you?”

X:  “The imperial ring of Rome.”

Crassus:  “And a thief.  I’m impressed.”

X:  “I need to prove to Caesar that I have you.  That way I can
make the deal for Vercinix.”

Crassus:  “Do you think Caesar would release a man with the--
reputation of Vercinix?  His capture is a source of power-- as
will be his execution.”

X:  “Not anymore.  Caesar needs you.  He’s cultivated quite a
following at home-- but at a cost.  You still have an army in
the field, and he needs that.”

Crassus:  “This isn’t about Vercinix, is it?”

X:  “Go on, tell us.”

Crassus:  “Assassination-- Caesar’s blood on your blade.  This
is your way of getting to him.”

G:  “You’re wrong.”

Crassus:  “Am I?  Have you ever seen Xena around him?  Her
judgment gets a little impaired-- and others suffer.”

X:  “Well, I’m over that.  Take him below-- only be careful.
He’s smart.”


[Caesar’s Palace]

Pompey:  “I want control of the aqueduct!”

JC:  “Out of the question, Pompey-- you ask too much.”

Pompey:  “Do I?  You got no choice.  With Crassus dead, I can
take what I want.”

JC:  “Do, and you’ll get a civil war.  The people are with me,
Pompey.  It’s spectacle-- that’s what they want; that’s what I
give them.”

Pompey:  “Oh, yes-- the people.  Huh.  An army of citizens up
against the hardened legions of Pompey the Magnus.  Oh, what a
battle that’d be.”

JC:  “Very well.  You may have your aqueduct-- but there’s a
vote coming up in the Senate.  I need your support.”

Soldier:  “Caesar!  There’s someone here to see you!  To be
honest, sir, we couldn’t keep her out.  She’s unarmed, but
she’s-- ”

Pompey:  “She-- ”

JC:  “Xena-- this is impossible.  How can you j--  this is Rome.
You can’t-- you-- ”

X:  “There’s a sentence in there just dyin’ to get out.  Huh.
Sorry about your soldiers.  We were playing tag in the forum,
and I gotta tell ya, they don’t lose well.”

Pompey:  “This-- is Xena.”

JC:  “Yes, uh-- an old-- friend, uh, enemy, friend-- I forget
where we left off.”

X:  “We weren’t on speaking terms.”

JC:  “Pompey, if you’ll excuse us, please.”

Pompey:  “I don’t think so.  Besides, if this concerns Rome, it
concerns me.”

X:  “And who are _you_?”

Pompey:  “Pompey the Magnus.”

G:  “Magnus?”

Pompey:  “Short for Magnificent-- a deserved title, as Caesar
knows.  And you had something to tell us.”

X:  “Oh, Crassus.”

Pompey:  “Crassus is _dead_.  The Parthians-- ”

X:  “Crassus has an army.  He’s got money.  And I got him.”

JC:  “I see.  And you’re just going to hand him over to me.”

X:  “As soon as you give me Vercinix.”

JC:  “Vercinix-- that’s no small request.  His capture means a
lot to my people.”

X:  “I’ll send over the finger that this belongs on tomorrow.
And after that-- I’ll be more creative.”

JC:  “How do I know Crassus hasn’t been killed?”

X:  “I’ll take you to him.”

JC:  “How do I know _I_ won’t be killed?”

G:  “I’ll stay here in your place.  She won’t hurt you as long
as they have me.”


Man’s Voice:  “I’d like to-- ”

Crassus:  “Caesar!  I knew you’d come.”

JC:  “Really-- I don’t know why I bothered.  I thought you were
a _capable_ ally-- a good balance against Pompey.  But look at
you-- captured and chained by a woman that _I_ captured and
chained.  I don’t know.”

Crassus:  “_Don’t_ even go there.  You need me-- we both know
it.  Now, make the trade, and let’s get outta here.”

JC:  “You’re right.  Pompey has become a little-- difficult,
since word of your death.  Unfortunately, the-- trade can’t
happen immediately.  I’ve already planned a little party for
this evening-- to show off Vercinix.  I’d like you to accompany
me-- without your weapons, of course.”

X:  “Whatever it takes.  Let’s just get this over with.”

JC:  “Divide and conquer, Crassus.  Her friend is the key.



X:  “I’ll come back to the boat when I’m done scouting around.
When this starts to move,  it’s gonna move fast.”

G:  “And that’s assuming that I can get Crassus into the cell?”

X:  “You _have_ to do it.  Caesar is not going through with this
trade.  That’s why we have to make the switch with Vercinix.  By
the time he discovers that it’s _Crassus_ in the cell, it’ll be
too late.”

G:  “And that’s the plan?  Right?  The whole plan?”

X:  “What are you getting at?”

G:  “Look-- I know you want Vercinix out.  But I wanna make sure
there’s not another part of this plan that you’re not telling
me.  You know?  Like-- ”

X:  “Like assassinating Caesar.”

G:  “Yeah-- like that.”

X:  “Gabrielle, this is no time for you to have a crisis of
faith.  You have got to trust me.  I am not going to give in to
that.  If this works out, the only one in danger is Crassus.”

G:  “Crassus?  You don’t mean he might be killed, do you?”

X:  “That’s up to Caesar.  Crassus is not my concern-- freeing
Vercinix is.”

G:  “Yeah, but if Caesar kills Crassus-- and I put him there-- .
Xena-- uh-- I cannot send a man to his death.”

X:  “A man-- Crassus stopped being a man a long time ago.  The
village of Gardenis was his crowning achievement.  It
surrendered to him without a fight.  He then crucified over 100
men, women, and children along the Appian Way.  It doesn’t
matter.  Caesar’s the one who makes the decision.  Crassus is
valuable to him.  Good luck.”


Pompey:  “Brutus-- you were with Caesar when he met Xena.  Is
she to be trusted?”

Brutus:  “No-- except in her hatred of Caesar.”

[Trumpet flourish, then crowd cheers]

Woman’s Voice:  “Well, _thank_ you!”

JC:  “I _was_ going to present Vercinix first, but-- I didn’t
want anything spoiling your entrance.”

X:  “Why bring him in at all, when you’re going to free him?”

JC:  “I’ll handle that.  Vercinix has becaome quite an issue
with my people.  He defeated four Roman legions before I brought
him to heel.  Excuse me.”

Pompey:  “So, why do they call you the Warrior Princess?”

X:  [Spits seed out onto floor]  “Because ‘Caesar’ was taken.”

Pompey:  [Laughs]  “I like you.”  [Clears throat]

X:  “Don’t-- I’m not a likeable person.”

Pompey:  “Neither am I.  But even common enemies can make
friends overnight.”

X:  “Common enemies?  Anyone in particular?”

Pompyi:  “Don’t assume all of Rome loves Caesar.  These people
are impressed with his _victory_ over Vercinix.  But there are
those that wouldn’t cry over Caesar’s death.”

Brutus:  “Citizens of Rome!  I present to you-- the prize that
has eluded all-- all, except the great Julius Caesar!  The
barbarian-- Vercinix!”

Soldier:  “Come on, you dog!”

JC:  “Descended from a line of great warriors-- master of Gaul--
a legend like no other.  I give to you-- Vercinix the Magnus.”

Pompey:  “Hmm.”


Crassus:  “When’d she say she’d be back?”

G:  “When she’s ready to come back.”

Crassus:  “Does she often leave you in the dark with the plans?”

G:  “No.”

Crassus:  “But she-- has done it, hasn’t she?  I understand.
You forget, I’m a warrior, too.  Many times, if I’d told my
soldiers my plans-- I would’ve had a mutiny.”

G:  “Why is that?  Do your soldiers have something against
murdering innocent people?”

Crassus:  “Innocent?  There are no innocents on a battlefield.”

G:  “What about the people of Gardenis?”

Crassus:  “That was-- regrettable.  I was away to the north,
chasing bandits when it happened.  The soldiers responsible were
crucified.  Who knows?  Maybe Xena really believes those

G:  “I trust Xena.”

Crassus:  “Well, I can’t.  It’s my life on the line.”

G:  “You’re not gonna die.  Caesar won’t let that happen.  Now--
we’ll get Vercinix-- and everyone will be happy.”

Crassus:  “I hope you’re right.”


Soldier:  “Back to your cage, barbarian!  Now-- get _in_ there!”

X:  “Vercinix-- my name is Xena.  I’m working to get you outta
here.  Mendela sent me.”

Vercinix:  “My wife-- she escaped from the Romans?”

X:  “Yes, _and_ your children.  They’re safe.  They want their
father home again.  I’m here to make sure that happens.”

JC:  “All right-- that’s enough.  Prison hardly seems the place
to tell you this, but-- you look incredible.  Roman finery
becomes you.”

X:  “We’re not going down that road-- this is business.”

JC:  “It’s never just business between us, Xena.  It’s hatred,
war, conflict-- and it’s love.”

X:  “I gotta go to the bathroom.  Are we done yet?”


[Crassus attempts an escape.]

X:  “You’re gonna kill me!  I know it!”

G:  “Don’t, don’t!”

X:  “I’m not gonna let him die.  Gimme a hand!  Here, take this.
I had it made in Rome before I left.  There are two cells there.
It fits the lock to each of them.  Help me get his hands up.
We’re gonna have to move quickly.  Caesar’s decided to hold the
gladiatorial fights in the coliseum tomorrow.  I think he’s
moved the execution up.”

G:  “You were right.  He’s not going through with the trade.
Does this change our plans?”

X:  “Not our part of it.”

G:  “Wha-- what does that mean?”

X:  “It turns out that Vercinix is more of a prize than I
thought.  Caesar has staked his reputation on the capture and
execution of him.  He’s not about to give that up.”

G:  “But when he knows that it’s Crassus-- ”

X:  “It won’t matter.  The execution will go ahead and Crassus
will die.  I’m sorry.”



X:  “You need to be in place before the games begin.  If I’m
right, the execution will be the finale.”

G:  “I wanna talk about this.  There’s _gotta_ be another way.”

X:  “There’s _not_.  The time that Crassus buys us by walking
into the arena is the time that we need to escape from Rome.”

G:  “Why don’t we put the horses in place earlier?  Or-- or we
could ride-- ”

X:  “Gabrielle, if I could accomplish my plan without Crassus
dying-- then fine.  But if this means his death, so be it.  We
can’t think about that.”

G:  “No, I can’t avoid it.  You are making me be a part of
murder-- and you’re being so casual about it.”

X:  “It’s not about being casual.  It’s about focus.”

G:  “Focus on Caesar.”

X:  “Drop it, Gabrielle.  This is about saving a good man.
Crassus is a cold-blooded murderer.  I’ve seen his handiwork.”

G:  “I’ll do my part.”

X:  “Good.”


G:  “We’ll stop here.”

Crassus:  “Ahh!  You could’a let me go!  Another second, I
would’a been in the trees.”

G:  “I promised Xena I’d switch you for Vercinix.”

Crassus:  “Ugh!  Then, you really are in the middle of it.  I
thought you were different from her.  I thought you had a regard
for life, no matter whose.”

G:  “You’re not going to die, Crassus.  I said I’d switch you.
Now, if the guards recognize who you are-- I have no control
over that.”

Crassus:  “Don’t rely on that.  Most of Rome doesn’t know what I
look like, let alone the prison guards.”

G:  “You will with this-- your imperial ring.  It identifies you
in every province.  Show this to the guards once we’re gone.”

Crassus:  “I’m-- sorry about what I said.  I underestimated you.
Thank you.”

G:  “We have to be going.  Drink.”


Pompey:  “If you’re anything like me, you feel naked without a
weapon.  Whether you use  it or not-- there’s something
reassuring about the weight and feel of a solid blade.”

X:  “I wasn’t aware that I needed a weapon here-- unless there’s
something I should know about.”

Pompey:  “Huh.  _Caesar_ has no intention of trading Vercinix
for Crassus.  And more than that-- he sent Brutus out to find
your friend, Gabrielle.”

X:  “You mean Crassus.”

Pompey:  “No-- it’s your friend he wants.  He seems to think she
has some sort of power over you.  He wants that power.”

X:  “And what’s your interest in all this?”

Pompey:  “I am but a servant of Rome.  I want what is good for
her.  But if Caesar and Crassus weren’t in the way-- I could do
many things.  For one-- I could release the barbarian.  The
knife is a gift-- one that will get the owner safely past my
army outside Rome.  Goodbye, Xena.”


Man:  “Look at that!  Drunk!”

G:  “Ya slob of a husband!  Can’t take it, anymore!  Ya got in a
tavern, and ya-- !  I’ll show ya!”

Voice:  “That’s Xena!”

G:  “No, no-- you’ve got the wrong one!  I’ll take you _all_


JC:  “Brilliant!  Xena brings Crassus into Rome-- right under my
nose.  It’s the last place I’d look.  And the girl, Gabrielle?”

Brutus:  “Apparently, still with Crassus.  Their tracks were
easy to follow until we got into Rome.”

JC:  “Easy?  Perhaps-- too easy.  What-- are you really after--


G:  “I’m tellin’ you!  I ain’t never been drinking!  Drunken
it-- drunk!”

Soldier:  “Right.  Sleep it off, girl, and tell it to the
magistrate.  Here!”

G:  “Ugh!  Vercinix-- Xena sent me.  We’re going to get you out
of here.”

Vercinix:  “How?”

G:  “Funny you should ask.  [Chuckles]  You’re going to walk out
of here, tomorrow.”


JC:  “Hello, Xena.  Interesting-- Roman design.  I can’t
_believe_ you would double-cross me-- just as I was about to
double-cross you.”

X:  “How’d you know?!”

JC:  “You have one obsession, Xena.  That’s me.  And because of
it-- I have you-- and I have Vercinix.  And somewhere out
there-- is an irritating blonde about to follow a plan that no
longer exists.”



Vercinix:  “Take me back to when you said you’d get me out of

JC:  “Patience, Vercinix-- you’ll be out soon enough-- tomorrow,
as a matter of fact-- to face the headsman.  And as for you,
Xena-- you won’t get a chance to see it.  You’ll already be
dead-- the opening act to my spectacle.”

X:  “Gabrielle?”

G:  “I’m here.  Crassus is still asleep.  Catch.”

X:  “Did Gabrielle fill you in on the plan?”

Vercinix:  “Yes, you wanna swap Crassus for me.  But, if you
have the key, then let’s go now.”

X:  “No-- no, we’d never make it.  We have to wait until all of
Rome’s eyes are elsewhere.”

Vercinix:  “On my execution.”

X:  “Exactly.  Now-- call the guard.”

Vercinix:  “Guard!  Here!  There’s something you should know
about this woman!”

Guard:  “What?  What is it that’s so important?”

Vercinix:  “It seems she has a key.”


[Crowd cheers]

JC:  “Look at those people.  Look at them.  Each one of them
considers himself an individual-- with independent thought and
movement.  Yet together, they’re like sheep.  Today, they want
the death of Vercinix-- and I intend to give it to them.”

Pompey:  “So, you’ve rescued Crassus?”

JC:  “Crassus is in my city.  It’s just-- a matter of time
before I have him.  Oh, by the way-- I believe that’s your


X:  “Ah, tough, guy, huh?”


[Crowd cheers]

JC:  “Citizens of Rome!  We are gathered here to mark the end of
an era!  The end of resistance in Gaul!  Resistance-- led by the
evil barbarian, Vercinix!”

[Crowd cheers]

JC:  “But-- but first!  I present to you-- an ally of the
Gauls-- and an enemy of Rome-- Xena, the Warrior Princess!  So
let-- the combat begin!”

[Crowd cheers]

Horsemen:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

JC:  [Laughs]

Horsemen:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!  Yahhhh!  Yahhhh!”

[Crowd cheers]

Horsemen:  “Yah!”

X:  “Ahhhh!”

Horsemen:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

[Crowd cheers]


G:  “OK-- we have Crassus in your cell being you-- the guard in
my cell being Crassus.  The horses are waiting at the stable one
block west.  When Xena sees me in the crowd,  she’ll know we’re

Vercinix:  “Then, let’s get going.  The longer we stay here, the
longer she has to fight.”

G:  “Hold on.  This ring.  When the guards see it, they’ll know
that it’s him.  They’ll set him free.”

Vercinix:  “Wait!  Nevermind.  I owe you my life-- so I won’t
stop you.  But Crassus and I will meet again.  We have a blood
debt to settle from Gardenis.”

G:  “What are you talking about?”

Vercinix:  “My brother and his family were there.  Crassus
personally ordered the massacre.”

G:  “How can you be so sure, if everyone was killed?”

Vercinix:  “I found my niece crucified.  She told me before she


Horsemen:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yahhhh!  Yahhhh!”

[Crowd cheers]

Horsemen:  “Yahhhh!”  [Laughs]

[Crowd cheers]

Horsemen:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

[Crowd boos]

Crowd cheers]

JC:  [Laughs]

Crowd:  “There she goes!”  “Yeah!”  “Go!”

Horsemen:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

JC:  [Laughs]

[Crowd cheers]

Horsemen:  “Yah!  Yah!  Yah!  Yah!”

X:  “Ahhhh!”  [Xena fight song]

[Crowd boos]

Horsemen:  “Yah!  Yah!”

X:  “Ahhhh!”

[Crowd cheers]

[Crowd cheers]

X:  “Ahhhhh!  Yahh!”

[Crowd boos]

JC:  “Take her to her cell!  We’ll deal with her later.”


X:  “Where’s Gabrielle?”

Vercinix:  “She said she’d meet us at the stable.”


[Crowd cheers]  “Yeah!  Yeah!”

JC:  “Citizens of Rome!  What you’ve been waiting for!  The
_death_ of the barbarian, Vercinix!”

[Crowd cheers]  “Yeah!”  “Yes!”  “Die!”  “Yeah!”

Pompey:  “Well, Caesar-- give the people what they want.

Crassus:  “Wait.  What’re you-- ?  I’m not Vercinix!  I’m
Crassus!  I’m not Vercinix!  I’m Crassus!  I’m telling you-- my
ring!  My imperial ring!  Tell them who I am!”

Crowd:  “Yeah!”

Crassus:  “Tell them!”

Crowd:  “Yeah!”

Crassus:  “Come on!  Tell them!”

Crowd:  “Yeah!”

Crassus:  “Caesar!  No!  Caesar!  Caesar!”


G:  “I don’t know what’s happening to me, Xena.  I did something
that I never thought I’d be able to do.  I played judge, jury,
and executioner.”

X:  “You only did what I told you to.”

G:  “You said Crassus living or dying wasn’t the point.  I had a
choice.  I made it.”

X:  “Gabrielle, I put you into a situation I had no right to.  I
expected you to understand my logic and ignore your heart.”

G:  “But I know you were right.”

X:  “It wasn’t right for _you_.  That’s not who you are.  If--
if I had to do this all over again-- ”

G:  “You’d _still_ do it.”

X:  “If I couldn’t find another way, I would.  But I wouldn’t
include you.”

G:  “Yeah, but I’d be hurt if you didn’t.”

X:  “How many more times’re you gonna follow me into battle,
huh?  How many more times am I gonna hurt you?  You are the most
dear thing to me in all the world.  And yet, instead of
protecting you-- ”

G:  “I’m here, because I want to be here.  I love you, Xena.”

X:  “I love you too, Gabrielle.”


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