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“The Gauntlet” Episode H2 additional parts in the video version are notated by "+++" [TEASER] Cretus [Cr]: “Darphus gave them your demands-- just enough crops to feed our men; only the buildings needed to quarter them.” X: “Their answer?” Darphus [D]: “They’ve decided to defend themselves.” X: “Stupid. We’ll give them the night to reconsider.” D: “Give them nothing! I say, we attack now, and wipe them all out! Let the gods sort out the women and children.” X: “We are warriors, _not_ barbarians. Cretus, you made it clear that anyone who raises a sword against us will die.” Cr: “They said they’d rather die, defending the fruits of their labor, than give it to renegades.” X: “Then tomorrow, they’ll get their wish.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Hercules [H]: “Oh-- wonderful, Iphicles, absolutely wonderful. It’s a four-star meal for sure.” Iphicles [Iph]: “Why four stars?” H: “Uh, that’s just a manner of speaking. It’s something I picked up from an epicurean friend of mine.” Iph: “Well, why not five stars? Or-- or, a constellation of stars?” H: “Uh-- a constellation it is.” Iloron (sp?) [Il]: “Hercules?” H: “Iloron!” Il: “Hello, cousin. It’s been too long.” H: “Ah, it must be five years. Ah, come! Sit down! How have you been?” Il: “Good. Look, we’ve got big problems in the Parthian province.” H: “What sort of problems?” Il: “Marauders. And they’re merciless. Last week, they attacked a village near us-- killed every last man. Look here. On my way here, I found out that six more villages have been destroyed in the last month.” H: “Looks like they’re intent on overrunning the whole peninsula.” Il: “And Parthus, my mother’s village, will be right in their path.” H: “Then we don’t have any time to waste.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- X: “No word?” Cr: “Their only activity has been to fortify.” D: “We should’ve attacked yesterday.” X: “It won’t affect the outcome-- only make it more interesting. Let’s go!” Army: [Cheers] X: “Yah!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Xena’s army destroys village.] X: “Surrender, or die!” Villager: “Never!” Old man: “No! Have mercy!” Villager: “There she is! Kill her! Destroy the witch! Destroy her!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT I] Warriors: “[?] attack!” Victory!” “Long live Xena!” Salmoneus [S]: “I’m a modest woman. Please don’t touch me there.” Cr: “Look at what we found hiding in the feed-bin.” S: “Ow! Ow!” D: “Well, what’ve we got here?” S: “No, no. I work in the circus. Please, don’t kill me! Please! I beg you!” X: “Give me one good reason.” S: “It would be very unpleasant for me! We haven’t even been introduced! My mother will cry?!” X: “Take him away.” S: “Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I’m not even supposed to be here! I’m a travelling salesman! I can get you a great deal on some clay dinnerware. I’ve got this walnut utensil-- opens--” D: “Kill him!” S: “Hold it! You’re very quick with the ‘Kill him!’. Wait a second-- please! I know people in high places! Uh, I-- I-- I know Hercules!” X: “What do you know about Hercules?” D: “He knows nothing!” S: “I do to! I-- we-- oh, oh, wee-- I’m his best friend! We’re like this! Well, not like that-- kinda’-- kinda’ like th-- Kind-- it’s platonic. It-- we’re like-- that!” X: “Come here, little man. You amuse me.” S: “Amusing? You like amusing? A guy goes into a bar walking a duck. Owner says, what’re you doing with that pig?!” X: “Cease! I’ll let you know when I wanna be amused again. Bring him along. Leave it. It becomes you.” S: “Right! Certainly. You’ve got excellent taste. [Laughs nervously]” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “I can’t believe it’s been five years since I’ve seen you. Why does it have to take bad news to bring us together.” Il: “Well, you’re not the easiest person to get ahold of.” H: “Yeah, I-- guess you’re-- right.” +++Il: “Who could’ve done such a thing?” +++H: “I think he was trying to tell us. Those marks are the Macedonian symbols for ‘warrior’-- and ‘woman.’” +++Il: “May the gods help us.” +++H: “I wouldn’t count on it.” Girl: “Mommy? Where’s Daddy?” Man: “Not a man alive. Curse her[?]!” H: “Who did this?” Woman: “Marauders.” H: “Did you see their leader?” Woman: “She was like-- a demon from Hades.” H: “A woman.” Il: “Do you know who did this?” H: “I’ve got an idea.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- D: “That meat is for warriors.” S: “Ah. Um, uh-- there’s more than one way to wage a war.” X: “Oh? Tell me about it.” S: “Well-- an army such as yours, with such a beautiful leader like you-- you need publicity-- public relations.” X: “Hah! I prefer my relations to be private.” S: “[Laughs] No-- you need something to trumpet your victories. But you don’t wanna seem overbearing or merciless. You need a theme song. Wait a second. [Sings] ‘Xe-ena, coming to your town. Xe-ena, don’t you wear a frown.’ Don’t talk about destruction. Talk about ‘collateral damage.’ Uh, be like a tax collector. Tell people you’re doing it for their own good.” X: “You know, for such a wretched little man, you are mildly entertaining. Tell me more.” S: “OK, uh-- can I just--? Yeah. Always address your troops from your right side. It’s your best side-- not that you have a bad side. It-- You’ve got beautiful eye-- you’ve got great cheek structure. Smile more. Show off your cheeks. See? Ahh. Uh-huh.” X: “Don’t stop amusing me, now.” S: “No, your Highness-- your Worship-- your, your-- what is your titular? Um-- wh-- uh, uh-- How do you like to be undressed? Addressed? Hmm?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Any sign of trouble?!” Il: “Not that I can see! We’re making good time. I can see the hills of Parthian province. Also, I-- think we’re being followed.” H: “I know. I saw him by the river.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- D: “I say we go here.” X: “The western villages?” D: “Lightly defended. We wipe them from the map-- an easy victory.” X: “Easy victories make for weak soldiers.” D: “As long as the men get what they want--” X: “I don’t want soldiers following me out of greed. I demand loyalty.” D: “Loyalty, greed, fear-- what does it matter? As long as they obey orders.” X: “It matters to me.” D: “Maybe, one day, we’ll find out whose strategy is best-- yours or mine.” X: “I’ll go north with my scouts. I’ll see for myself. And when I return, we attack.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- D: “Still no sign of Xena and the scouts? The men are ready for a night attack; I don’t wanna lose the element of surprise. I won’t wait any longer.” S: “Uh, excuse me? Wouldn’t Xena be upset-- if you don’t-- wait?” D: “You know, little man, you don’t amuse me at all. We go now. I don’t wanna see a living thing when you’re through-- not a man, woman, or child-- understood?” Cr: “Don’t you think that Xena--- ?” D: “Forget Xena! I want that village destroyed! The men can take what they want.” Cr: “Yes, sir.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Warrior: “Attack!” [Warriors decimate village] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- X: “What have you done?!” D: “A message, to those who defy us.” X: “You killed women and children?” D: “If this doesn’t strike fear into the hearts of the northern villages, nothing will.” X: “You’re a butcher. Your disobedience will _not go unpunished_!” D: “I expected as much.” [Baby crying] Cr: “I thought I killed them both.” D: “Kill it!” X: “Stop! You kill this baby, you die next. Contrary to what some might think, I still lead this army.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT II] H: “Looking for me?” [Hercules knocks out the spy] H: “We can do this the easy way-- or we can go back to that village you destroyed. Or let the orphans and widows decide what to do with you.” Daros: “Women and children don’t scare me.” H: “Don’t they?! Who commands you barbarians? It’s a woman, isn’t it?” Daros: “We’re not barbarians. We’re soldiers.” H: “Soldiers-- killing unarmed people-- I guess that qualifies you as a soldier, doesn’t it? So, where _is_ your leader-- Xena?” Daros: “When she finds out I’m missing, she’ll have you two for breakfast.” H: “Where is she?” Daros: “Doesn’t matter. You’re too late, anyway.” H: “Get out of my sight. I wouldn’t.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Spiros [Sp]: “Murderers.” Il: “No one’s alive-- not even a child.” H: “They killed children?” Il: “They killed everyone-- women, children, babies.” H: “I swear by my mother-- this won’t happen again.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- X: “What are you doing here?” S: “I thought you might need some help taking care of the baby-- so I found this shepherdess.” X: “I’ve got no intention of taking care of this infant. I merely saved him.” S: “No, of course not. [Laughs] If you had any maternal instinct, you wouldn’t-- not that you don’t have maternal instinct, but with all the fighting, it gets--” Shepherdess [Sh]: “I have some milk for the baby.” S: “Oh, proud warriorress? Can I talk to you for a moment?” X: “About what?” S: “It’s Darphus. He scares me.” X: “Everyone scares you.” S: “Very observant. But in this case, I don’t think he’s exactly in your corner, either.” X: “You mean, his insubordination.” S: “That-- and he’s been stirring up the men about saving the baby.” X: “I’ve got no reason to doubt my soldiers’ loyalty. And I’ll deal with Darphus.” S: “Yes, I’m sure. But, but, but-- the best course of action, given that you and Darphus are at odds--” X: “I don’t run from my problems. I confront them! And I’ll deal with Darphus!” S: “Excellent choice. It was just a thought, thank you.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- +++[Hercules and Iloron burying bodies] +++Il: “You take it personally, don’t you?” +++H: “These people have been robbed of their lives. It’s the least I can do.” +++Il: “Shall we camp here for the night?” +++H: “Not here. Xena’s too far ahead of us. We have a lot of catching up to do.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- X: “You defied me.” D: “You wanted the village destroyed; we destroyed it.” X: “I didn’t order you to burn it, or to slaughter every living thing.” D: “I gave you my reasons.” X: “I’m relieving you of your command!” D: “My men won’t allow that-- yes-- my men. You’re the one who’s stepping down. And you’ll leave the only way a warrior can.” X: “The gauntlet? There’s not a man here who’ll raise a hand against me.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- D: “Take off her armor.” [Laughs] X: “I’ll bury you _and_ your new leader.” S: “Can she really make it through that?” Warrior1: “No one ever has.” D: “Begin!” [Xena walks the gauntlet] S: “Go, Xena, go!” Warriors: “She’s dead.” “Xena.” “She survived.” D: “Kill her!” Warrior2: “But she made it through.” D: “Good for her! Now, finish it!” Warrior3: “She fought by the rules.” Warrior4: “Right.” Warrior3: “I won’t cross that line.” Warrior4: “Me neither.” D: “Enjoy your exile.” X: [Spits] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Il: “Hercules? How about a break?” H: “We’ll rest when we find ‘em.” Il: “We won’t be in any shape to fight if we don’t stop soon.” H: “When we find ‘em.” Il: [Hit by arrow] H: “Come on. You’ll be all right. You stay here. Who are you?! Who are you?! Why are you attacking us?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT III] Sp: “Go on, kill me. I have nothing to live for, anymore.” H: “Who are you?” Sp: “Spiros. You killed my wife and son.” H: “I’m Hercules-- and I didn’t kill anyone.” Sp: “Hercules? But I saw you looting the bodies in the village.” H: “We were burying them. They were already dead when we got there.” Sp: “My wife and child were in that village.” H: “You have my sympathy. Come on. Let’s see how much damage you’ve done to my cousin.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “You’ll live.” Il: “Thanks.” Sp: “I should never have left. I should never have left.” H: “Why did you?” Sp: “No one wanted to leave their families. But we knew someone had to go for help, so we-- drew straws. I drew the short one.” H: “You shouldn’t feel guilty. You did what you could.” Sp: “But everyone I loved-- they’re gone now-- dead.” H: “I once lost my family, too.” Sp: “Then you’ll know there’s nothing you can say that’ll make me feel better.” H: “Yeah. We will find Xena and her army. I promise you.” Sp: “I can be your scout. I know this countryside well.” H: “Done.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- S: “All right. All right. You’re safe. You found some armor. You don’t know where you’re going, but you’re making really good time. Let’s hear it for me! Hip- hip-- hooray!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- X: “I can take care of myself!” Sh: “One of your men came here, looking for you, today.” X: “I have no men.” Sh: “He was a scout named Daros.” X: “What did he want?” Sh: “He said he needed to warn you, that Hercules was on your trail.” X: “Hercules?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- S: “Please, somebody help me, if you can hear me! Help me! Please, somebody help me!” H: “Salmoneus?” S: “Hercules?!” H: “It’s nothing, just-- someone hanging upside-down. Come on.” S: “Hey! You can’t leave me like this!” H: “I know. I know.” Sp: “You know him?” H: “Unfortunately.” S: “Does he know me?! I fought a Cyclops with this guy! And a lunatic Centaur. And what about the fifty [randied?] daughters of King Thespius, huh?” H: “Can we reminisce some other time?” S: “I had to help the big guy out.” H: “Yeah. I-- should know better than to ask, but, how did you get up there?” S: “I have no idea. I was escaping this band of murderous thugs-- led by this fierce, beautiful woman with great--” H: “You were with Xena?” S: “You know her?” H: “Yes, I do.” S: “They humiliated me. They starved me. They took my entire line of kitchenware.” H: “Salmoneus.” S: “I’ve got this great utensil. It cracks a walnut into two smooth halves.” H: “Salmoneus.” S: “Protects the nut, and there are no splinters.” H: “Salmoneus!” S: “Yes.” H: “Just tell me where they are.” S: “They’re on their way to Parthus. And if anything like the last time, there won’t be any Parthus left!” H: “Let’s go.” S: “Ah-- what about my cookware?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- D: “So-- the great Hercules is on our trail.” Cr: “Maybe it’s time to change our plans.” D: “No.” Cr: “But Hercules--” D: “-- can be defeated like any other man! He doesn’t know we know he’s on our track. That gives us an edge. Here-- outside Parthus, where the road splits-- that’s where we spring our trap.” Cr: “But suppose he’s waiting--” D: “We’ll crush him like a bug!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- S: “Can we take a break? I’m hungry. I don’t know how I get myself in these messes.” H: “You might try staying away from killers like Xena.” S: “I wasn’t with her by choice! And I’ll tell you something-- she’s not as evil as you think she is.” H: “Of course not-- she only kills people for sport.” S: “Well, at least she allows them to surrender before massacring ‘em.” H: “She’s all heart.” S: “She’s got some heart. She’s not into that-- scorched-Earth policy like Darphus.” H: “You’re serious-- that she’s not a cold-hearted evil bitch.” S: “Believe me. Compared with Darphus, she looks like the goddess of love and light.” H: “Who is Darphus?” Il: “Hercules!” X: “Hah!” H: “Looks like we’ll get the chance to see which one of us is right. Hello, Xena.” X: “Hello, Hercules. Looks like you’re losing your touch! Your scout would never make it in my army!” H: “You’re right. He’s not a baby-killer.” X: “Don’t tell me you’re gonna spoil it by bringing your friends into it.” H: “No, Xena. I think I can handle this one on my own.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [ACT IV] H: “We’ve been down this road before. The last time, you almost cost me a friendship.” X: “This time-- it’ll cost you a life!” S: “Xena, why are you doing this?!” X: “If I can bring back the head of Hercules, I can get back my army!” H: “So you can murder more women and children?” X: “That was not my idea! I never murdered women and children!” S: “You shouldn’t be fighting each other! Darphus is the enemy! You should be on the same side fighting him! On second thought, maybe you _should_ work it out between you!” [Xena and Hercules fight.] X: “I’ve got you now, Hercules!” Il: “Xena!” S: “Come on. Come on. Let’s go.” X: “Go on, finish it. Prove you’re the greatest warrior.” H: “Killing isn’t the only way of proving you’re a warrior, Xena. And I think you know that.” X: “What do you intend to do?” H: “We’re going after your army. Why don’t you join us?” X: “No.” Sp: “Coward! You can make war on a defenseless village, kill women and children, but you can’t fight a worthy opponent.” H: “Let her go! She has a fight of her own to deal with.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Over here!” Sp: “More tracks.” H: “They tried to cover them up to this point. Looks like a larger body of troops went that way. Let’s go.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Il: “Let’s wipe ‘em out. Come on, we can handle them.” H: “No. That’s what they expect us to do. That’s their surprise.” Il: “An ambush? For us?” Sp: “So, what do we do?” H: “We even the odds. And we get to Parthus before they do.” S: “Even the odds?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- [Hercules waylays ambush] ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Il: “This way, goat-breath!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- D: “We’ve been ambushed, and our horses are gone.” Cr: “But how? Hercules was never here!” D: “He was here, all right! Fools! He’s long gone now.” Cr: “But where?” D: “Parthus.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “Women and children all evacuated.” S: “And the old men and the boys. I still say we should’ve kept some.” H: “No, they’re no match for that army out there.” S: “Yeah, and we are? All four of us?” H: “Well, the villagers cooked up some surprises. That’ll help.” S: “Yeah? Well, what happens when the surprises run out?” H: “Looks like we’ll find out soon enough. You better get to your post.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- D: “Ready! Attack!” [Hercules fights Darphus and his army] S: “I don’t believe it; she’s come back.” Sp: “That bracelet belonged to my wife!” +++:Warrior: “Retreat!” +++:D: “Fight!” Warrior: “Let’s get out of here!” D: “Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!” [Xena fights and kills Darphus] +++Warrior: “Let’s get out of here!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- H: “I’m glad you came back.” X: “I had to. They weren’t true warriors. They had to be stopped.” H: “Is it over now? All of it?” X: “Yes, it is.” S: “Well, I’m not making any promises.” H: “What is it?” Sp: “Salmoneus told me that Xena saved a baby boy at my village.” H: “Is that true?” Sp: “Was he, uh-- Did he have a birthmark on his left leg? X: [Nods head.] Sp: “That’s my son. That’s my son. Oh, gods above, thank you. I don’t know how to--” X: “Suppose I don’t wanna give him up.” Sp: “What do you mean?” X: “I put my life on the line for him. Would you?” Sp: “Yes, and I’ll fight you if I have to.” X: “You’d lose.” Sp: “Doesn’t matter. He’s my blood.” H: “Xena, why are you doing this?” X: “You’ve shown me all I need to know. Just raise your son to be as brave as you. Salmoneus will take you to him.” S: “You sure you don’t wanna join us? You know, for old times’ sake? I just don’t want to fall into any more traps.” H: “Yeah, I’m not sure how many people could stand the sight of you upside down.” S: “I happen to think I have nice legs.” H: “Salmoneus, Spiros will keep you safe.” Il: “Thank you, cousin.” H: “You’re welcome. Let’s not wait five years to see each other again.” Il: “Not a chance.” H: “Take care. So-- what now?” X: “What do you say we go find out together?” H: “Yeah.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------- Emissary [E]: “Feeling better?” D: “Who are you?” E: “Call me-- an emissary of Ares.” D: “Ares, the god of war. What does he want with me?” E: “He wants to give you your revenge against Xena. But first, you must do something for him. You must kill Hercules.” D: “Hercules-- how? He destroyed my army.” E: “You’ll need help-- more help than any army can give you. This beast can give you that help. Under your control, it can destroy Hercules once and for all.” D: [Laughs]Click here to return to the HTLJ THE GAUNTLET page.
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