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“What A Crockery (The Treasure of Zeus, Part III)”  Episode


Narrator:  “Previously-- on ‘Young Hercules’.”

[[[[[[Ares:  “If you were any good at being bad, you’d dare what
no god has dared before.  Destroy a mortal son of Zeus.”  Strife:
“You mean Hercules.”  Strife-as-NG:  “My uncle’s the reason why
I’m here.  He used to tell me about this place-- ”
Strife-as-NG’s Voice:  “-- in a cave-- up on the mountain.  They
got a chalice there-- made by Zeus himself.  Wedding present for
Hera.  But they say he wants it back, now that they don’t see
much of each other.”  H:  “Looks like water.”  Ja:  “I think we
should get outta here.”  H:  “Why did you send me to the Phoenix
Cave to get the chalice?!”  H:  “I’m sorry about-- gettin’ you
guys in-- ta all this mess.”  I:  “What mess?”  Ja:  “So what’re
you gonna do with Hera’s chalice?”  H:  “I’m takin’ it to my

Narrator:  “Now, on ‘Young Hercules’.”

Hera’s Voice:  “What?!”

Ares:  “Mother, I thought you knew.  I-- really had no idea you
cared so much about the chalice.”

Hera’s Eyes:  “I want the perpetrator!”

Ares:  “Dead?  No can do.  It was Hercules-- and you know how
Zeus feels about little bro.  Daddy’s put his protection on him--
preventing us gods from killing him.”

Hera’s Eyes:  “Hercules?”

Ares:  “What?  Am I missing something here?”

Hera’s Voice:  “Zeus made a promise to me when he made us that
chalice.  Anyone who takes it from its rightful place-- is
condemned to death.”

Ares:  “Then by Zeus’ own words-- his protection of Hercules is
off.  Well, well, well.  Finally, little brother is on his own,
and he is all-- mine.  Thank you, Mother.  Thank you for the
chance to destroy Hercules.”  [Laughs]


Ares:  “Strife?!”

Woman:  [Screams]

Ares:  “If  you’re gonna make it to Olympian status-- you’re
gonna have to stop letting half-gods kick you around.”

Strife:  “Chill, Unc-- I was just getting warmed up.”

Ares:  “I saw what you were warming up.”

Strife:  “Yeah-- is she phat, or what?”

Ares:  “Fat?  What, are you kidding me?”  

Strife:  “No-- Uncle-- not ‘fat’-- ‘phat’.  She’s a real
Persephone, you know?  Fly; Dope; Def.  Groovy?  Anyway, I was
just-- ”

Ares:  “Did I give you any indication that I care about your

Strife:  “No.”

Ares:  “Then don’t share it, please.  Question!  Where is my
mother’s chalice?”

Strife:  “Hercules has it?”

Ares:  “And what is Hercules doing with it?”

Strife:  “Accessorizing his personal space?”

Ares [Laughs]:  “He’s taking it to Zeus’s temple!”

Strife:  “That’s not good.”

Ares:  “We need to get some pain and suffering and misery out of
that chalice.”

Strife:  “Ooh!  Twist my arm, Unc.”

Ares:  “It can _not_ reach the safety of Zeus’s temple, or be put
back in Hera’s cave.  Tell me, Strife-- have you ever seen Hera
angry?  I mean-- when laying waste to an entire city wouldn’t
_begin_ to satisfy her fury?”

Strife:  “Yeah-- only in my dereams, Unc.”

Ares:  “She starts to glow-- as if there was a cold fire burning
inside her.”

Strife:  “Yeah?”

Ares:  “The winds rise.  The Earth trembles.  Animals run in

Strife:  “Ooh.  Yeah?”

Ares:  “And no force in existence-- not even almighty Zeus!--
dare cross her path!”

Strife:  “Ohhhhh-- yes-- yes.”

Ares:  “Well, Strife-- there is a truly-- sublime level of
suffering-- waiting for whoever has the chalice when my mother
finds it.”

Strife:  “Well, I have some nasty ideas, Unc.”

Ares:  “Strife?”

Strife:  “Yes, Uncle?”

Ares:  “Try to be subtle.”

Ja:  “So, what’re you gonna say to Zeus when you meet him?”

I:  “Ye-ah-- ‘Thrown any good thunderbolts, lately?’”

Ja:  “‘Nice robe.  Who’s your tailor?’”

H:  “I don’t know.  I mean-- what do you talk to dads about?”

Ja:  “Ask him how his day was?  See if you can borrow the reins
to the chariot.”

I:  “Yeah-- why he’s never been there for you.”

Ja:  “Hey, Hercules-- why don’t you tell him how tough your
buddies are, huh?”

I:  “Yeah, like when we nailed Strife at Kora’s.”

Ja:  “Uh, Herc-- nailed Strife at Kora’s.”

I:  “That is a minor technicality.  If I’d had a shot at him-- he
would have gone down.  Ooh!  Hey-- guys-- you know what I’m

Ja and I:  “Melonball!  Yeah!”

H [Interrupting]:  “No, no, no, no.  We gotta get the chalice to
the temple, right?”

I:  “Oh, what?  You can’t handle us?”

Ja:  “Aw-- I thought you were mighty Hercules-- conqueror-- of
the gods!  Gods!  Gods!  Gods!”  

H:  “OK.  All right.  I guess if we get the chalice to Zeus’
temple this week, I have time to, uh-- teach you two a lesson.”

I:  “Come on, Hercules.”

Ja:  “Come on, you big mouth.”

I:  “Ooh!  Ooh!  Ooooh!”

Ja:  “Go inside!  Go inside!  Go inside!  I said inside!”

H:  “You went to a lot of trouble to prove you can’t play, huh?”

Ja:  “I told you to go inside.”

I:  “Ah-- I thought you mean the other inside.”

H:  “Well-- maybe next time you won’t mess with the, uh-- mighty
Hercules, huh?”

I:  “Hmm-- it’s a good melon.”

H’s Voice:  “Strife.”

H:  “What do you want, huh?  Another whipping?”

Strife:  “Oh, no.  I couldn’t fight you, Hercules.  You’re way
too strong.  [Chuckles]  How about the, uh-- little blond one?”

I:  “Hey-- who’s little?!”

H:  “Whoa, Iolaus.  He’s after something again.”

Strife:  “No, no, no, no-- more like I already got it.”

H:  “The chalice.”

Strife:  “Ha-ha.  Now you see it-- now you-- don’t.”

H:  “What did you do with it?!”

Strife:  “Oh, like I’m just gonna tell you!  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

Ja:  “That’s all right.  We’ll find it ourselves.”

Strife:  “Better move fast.  Hera knows it’s missing and, uh-- I
wouldn’t wanna be around when she goes looking for it.”

I:  “Where?!”

Strife:  “In a good home-- nice family.”

H:  “I promise you, Strife-- you put one innocent person in
danger-- !”

Strife:  “You know, I wouldn’t have thought of Alcmene as bein’
all that innocent.”

H:  “Mother?”

Strife [Laugs]:  “‘Mother.’  [Laughs]  Subtle enough for ya,

Ares-in-Disguise’s Voice:  “Whoa!  My arm!”

Alcmene [Alc]:  “Are you all right?”

Ares-in-Disguise’s Voice:  “I think so.”

Alc:  “Get back, Bear.  Stay.  Here-- let me help you.”

Ares-in-Disguise:  “Ooh!  No.  No, I’ll be fine.  My horse threw
me and ran off.”

Alc:  “Bear is usually not so calm around strangers.  You must
have a way with dogs.”

Ares-in-Disguise:  “Oh, I do.  I do.”


Ares-in-Disguise:  “You saved my life-- and all I have to give
you is this chalice.  It’s not much, but I insist.”

Alc:  “I’m sorry.  I couldn’t take your gift.  It’s too nice.”

Ares-in-Disguise:  “Oh, please?  You don’t know how happy it
would make me for you to have it.”

Alc:  “But we hardly know each other.”

Ares-in-Disguise:  “The kindness you’ve shown a stranger tells me
all I need to know about your heart.”

Alc:  “Oh, um-- I’ll have to think about it.”

H’s Voice:  “Mother!”

Alc:  “Hercules?  What are you doing here?”

I:  “There’s big danger!  Big danger!  We-- ooh-- lemonade.

Ja:  “Strife must have lied-- again.”

Alc:  “But who lied?  What’s going on?”

H:  “Well, we-- I took something from Hera to give to Zeus.  And
I know that I shouldn’t have.”

Alc:  “You took something of Hera’s?”

H:  “Yes.  But, see, Strife took it from me, and he said that he
left it here with you.”

Alc:  Was if ruby red?  Glittery?”

Ares:  “Looking for this?”

H:  “Ares.”

Alc:  “Ares?”

I and Ja:  “Ares?”

I:  “He’s shorter than I thought.”

Ja:  “Isn’t he, though?”

Ares:  “It’s been awhile, hasn’t it, baby brother?”

Alc:  “How dare you come into my house pretending to-- ”

H:  “Mother!”

Ares:  “Ah-- ah-- don’t get me too excited, I might-- well-- who
knows what I might do?”

H:  “What do you want?!  If you’re here for the chalice, just
take it and leave us alone!”

Ares:  “What I want-- is to see you suffer.  When you grabbed
Hera’s chalice, you lost Daddy’s protection, and now, I can
destroy you.  And I want your mother to watch.”

Alc:  “Stay-- away from my son!”

H:  “Mother!”

Ares:  “Well-- Hercules?  Your mother has spunk.  I hate spunk.

H:  “Listen.  Get the chalice back to the cave.”

I:  “We’re gone!”

Ares:  “You know?  I don’t really care about the chalice.  That’s
really Hera’s thing.”

H:  “Mother, come on!  In the house!”

Ares [Laughs]:  You can’t hide from me, little brother!  Oh,
cool-- lemonade.”

Strife:  “Let me.  Mama’s first!”

Ares:  “Young gods-- always in such a rush.  There’s an art-- to
torturing mortals.  Let Hercules think he’s safe.  It’ll make the
end so much sweeter.  Ah, the terror of the hunted.”

Alc:  “Ares isn’t after me.  He’s after you.  Get yourself to

H:  “I’m not leaving you here alone.”

Alc:  “If the gods had wanted to hurt me, they would have done it
long ago.  But if what Ares says is true-- your father can no
longer protect you from them.”

H:  “My father.  My father.  You know, I’m really sick of my
father and his protection.  You’re the one who knows him.  Why
isn’t he protecting you?”

Ares:  “Knock, knock-- anybody home?”

H:  “I messed up big, this time.  Listen, Mom, I’m sorry.  Goin’
after the chalice to impress Zeus was exactly what you told me
not to do.”

Alc:  “It doesn’t matter, Son.  But you need to run.  You can’t
defeat the god of war.”

H:  “Run?!  Mother-- where am I gonna run?!”

Alc:  “Hercules.”

H:  “Mother-- I love you-- but I will not run anymore.”

Ja’s Voice:  “We put back the chalice-- ”

I’s Voice:  “-- and Zeus’s protection order kicks back in for

I:  “It’s dead, right?  The Phoenix.  It’s not coming back.”

Ja:  “What do you think?  It’s gonna rise up out of the ashes and
come back to life?”

I:  “Hey, maybe there’s some treasure in there we missed before.”

Ja:  “We’re here to return this thing, Iolaus-- not exchange it.”

I:  “I know.”

Ja:  “And maybe save Hercules’ life.”

H:  “All right, Ares.  Let’s end this-- right now!”

Ares:  “Ooh!  See, Strife-- it’s just like I told you.  It’s so
much more satisfying when the victim begs for it.”


Ares:  “Everything was just fine till you came along!”

Strife:  “Word!  Yeah!  Give it to him, Uncle Ares!  Hee-hee-hee!
Ooh, lemonade”

I:  “Wow, that was easy.”

Ja:  “Yeah, too easy.”

I:  “What is it with you, Jason?!  Why can’t anything just be

Ja:  “That’s why.”

I:  “Whoa.”

Ja:  “Uh-- ”

Ares:  “I was the favorite!”

Strife:  “Ooh.”

Ares:  “Number one.  Me.  Ares.  Son of Zeus.  God of war.”

Strife:  “God of war!”

H:  “Well-- must be so rough for you.”

Strife:  “Hey!  Travelling, ref!  Travelling!”

Ares:  “Supplanted by a half-mortal.  I could have destroyed you
long ago, if not for Zeus’s special protection!  Huh?  Huh?  Huh?
Huh?”  [Laughs]

Ja:  “You protect the chalice.”

I:  “Protect the chalice?  What about me?”

Ja:  “How’s it going, boys.  Good.  Good.  Afraid I-- can’t let
you have that.”

I:  “Whoa.  Uh-- Jas?  Jas!”

Ja:  “Here, here.  Go, go, go, go, go, go!  Inside, Iolaus!”

Strife’s Voice:  “Ares couldn’t do this sooner ‘cause Zeus swore
he’d smash any god who put the hurt on you!  But you blew that
when you stole the chalice.”

Strife [Laughs]:  “You’re mine, now.  [Laughs]  I mean, he’s
yours now, Uncle Ares.”

Ares:  “Nothing can save you now.”

Strife:  “Ha-ha-ha!”

I:  “Whoa!”

Ares:  “Nooooooooooooo!  Noooooo!  Why protect him again,
Father?!  I was so close!  What about me?!  I have needs!  This
isn’t over, Brother.  I’ll be back.”

H:  “Yeah?  I’m countin’ on it.  Jason and Iolaus must have
gotten the chalice back to the cave in time.”

Alc:  “Be thankful for such good friends.”

H:  “I am.  Mom?”

Alc:  “Yeah?”

H:  “You got any of that lemonade left?”

I:  “You think Cheiron would have accepted my excuse about-- the
god of war vaporizing my homework.”

Ja:  “For Cheiron, there are no excuses.”

I:  “Yeah, but two weeks of kitchen duty?  That’s kind of

H:  “Uh, listen, guys.  Um-- I just wanna-- say that--- I-I-- I
really appreciate what you guys did for me-- you know?  And. uh--
well-- if you ever need me for anything-- you know what I’m
tryin’ to say.”

Ja and I:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.  Whatever.”

H:  “Thanks.”

Ja:  “Hey, listen.  When you’re done feedin’ your face?  Move
that to the left.  The other-- left.”

I:  “Oh.  Oh!  I’m sorry, Man.  Oh!  Oh-oh-oh you!”

Boys’ Voices:  “Come on!”  “Come on!”


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