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“Girl Trouble”  Episode 05/105


Zared:  “No one-- double-crosses me!  Throw him in the hold!”

Man:  “No!  Please!  Please, sir!  No!  No!  Please!  I beg you!
Please!  Ahhhhh!”

Zared:  “Looks like our cargo won’t be needin’ dinner tonight!”

Ja:  “Uh-- uck, what is it?”

H:  “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Ja:  “That’s it.  I’m not eatin’.  I’m going on a hunger strike.”

I:  “You gonna eat that?  Hmm-- you know?  You picked a really
bad time to go on a hunger strike with the harvest festival
coming up.”

Ja:  “All you can eat?  All weekend long?  No, thank you.”

H:  “Don’t worry about it, Jason.  Cheiron promised us a new
cook, remember?  That’s right.”

Ja:  “There she is.”

I’s Voice:  “A girl in the academy?”

I:  “A babe-- who can cook.”

Ja:  “Aw-- I’ve died and gone to the Elysian Fields.”

I:  “No.  No, wait!  No!  I saw her first!”

Ja:  “You were busy stuffin’ your face!”

I:  “Huh?  I’ll show you how to stuff your face!  Come on!”

H:  “Guys, guys, guys, guys.  Listen, are we really gonna fight
over a beautiful woman, huh?”

Ja and I:  “Yes!”

H:  “A-a-all right then, gentlemen-- and I use the term _so_ very
loosely-- there’s only one way to settle this.”

I:  “OK.  Through the arch; off the ladder; over the roof; off
the well; off the wall; down the steps; nothing but pigpen.”

Ja:  “It’ll never happen-- but good luck.”

Cook:  “Whoa!  [Yells]  Oh!”

H:  “Uh, guys, he’s out cold.  Somebody get some water, all

Ja:  “Nice work, Iolaus.”

I:  “Hey, it wasn’t my fault.  that guy stepped right into it.”

H:  “Listen, you gonna be OK, buddy?  You all right?”

Cook:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Yeah?”

I:  “Hey, never mind that.  Just get him on his feet before
Cheiron sees us.  I mean, the last thing we want is old ‘Mr.
Pearls of wisdom’.  ‘Look-- you boys look silly with that ball--
’  He’s behind me, isn’t he?  Hey.”

Cheiron:  “You all right, Arcus?”

Arcus:  “Yeah.  Sure-- no problem.”

Cheiron:  “Looks like I’ve lost a messenger-- which means-- you
boys are going to Athens.”

I:  “Athens?  What’s in Athens?”

Cheiron:  “Find us a new cook.”

H:  “Uh, a c-- uh, oh-- well, we thought that, you know, a, ah--
well, if Arcus was gonna go find the cook, then, uh-- who’s she?”

Lilith [Lil]:  “I’m Lilith.”

Cheiron:  “Gentlemen-- meet our newest cadet.”

I:  “Ha-ha!  What?!  Aw-- come on, she’s-- she’s-- ”

Lil:  “What?”

I:  “She’s-- gonna be just fine.”

Lil:  “So-- you cadets always use messengers for target

I:  “You know?  There’s no need for us all to miss the harvest
festival.  Later.  Hey, uh-- no, I was-- I was-- let’s go.”


H’s Voice:  “We are missing the entire harvest festival ‘cause
we’re stuck lookin’ for a cook.”

I’s Voice:  “What?!  Like this is all my fault.”

Ja’s Voice:  “You knocked out the messenger.”

I’s Voice:  “Not on purpose.”

Ja:  “There’s gotta be a decent cook closer than Athens.”

I:  “Yeah.  Hey, Herc-- Zeus must know some pretty decent cooks.
Why don’t you just get him to zap one down here?”

Ja:  “Aye!”

H:  “I don’t even talk to my father, never mind ask him for

Ja:  “It’s gonna take a week to walk to Athens and back.”

I:  “Yeah, well, the shooting contest wasn’t my idea.”

H:  “Hey-- what was I supposed to do, huh?  You two were about to
deck each other over our new classmate.”

Ja:  “How could we know she was a cadet?”

I:  “Yeah-- she didn’t look like a cadet.”

Ja:  “Whoever heard of a girl cadet?”

I:  “Yeah, exactly.  Girls are supposed to be-- sweet and

Ja:  “Why is that?  Is that all you can handle?”

H:  “That’s assuming he can even get a date.”  [They laugh.]

I:  “Hey, I got an idea.”

H:  “Huh?  Oh, not again.”

I:  “Look-- let’s hire a boat.  We’ll gget to Athens in no time.
And-- it’ll give us a chance to, uh-- check out the sights-- if
you catch my drift.”

H:  “We can’t afford a boat.”

I:  “Who needs money?  I’ll just turn on the old Iolaus charm.”

H:  “The old Iolaus charm, huh?”

I:  “What?  We’re on a boat.  We’re headed towards Athens--
aren’t we?”

Ja:  “By the time we get there, we’re gonna be too tired to do

I:  “Eh.”

Ja:  “How you doin’?”

I:  “Good.”

H:  “You thirsty?”

I:  “What?”

H:  “Huh?”

Zared:  “That’s enough!”

Ja:  “Who died and made you captain?”

Zared:  “The name’s Zared-- if you want to stay on board my
boat-- you’ll do your work-- stay out of my way.  And never-- get
near my cargo.”

H:  “Whatever.”

I:  “Friendly guy.”

Ja:  “What a freak.”

Ja:  “Hey!  Hey!”

I:  “What?  Oh, right-- yeah, yeah, yeah.”

H:  “Iolaus, what’s your problem?”

I:  “I’ve been thinking.  I wanna know what’s in that cargo hold.
Whoa, whoa, whoa-- look.  Whoa.  Whoa.”

H:  “Listen, I know what you’re thinkin’, Iolaus, OK?  Just
forget it.”

I:  “Aw, come on, Herc.  Aren’t you just a little bit curious to
find out what’s in there?”

Ja:  “Sure he is.  So am I.  But you heard Zared.  Keep your nose
out of there.”

H:  “Jason’s right, all right?  Rules are rules.  Iolaus.”

I:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Rules are rules.”

H:  “Iolaus.  Iolaus!  Jason.  He’s going for the cargo.

Zared:  “Thieves!  Stop them!”

I:  “Whoa!”

H:  “Iolaus!”


H:  “Get the barrel.  I’ll get the swords.”

Ja:  “We have to get Iolaus.”

Ja and H:  [Yell]

H:  “Amazons.”


Ja:  “What have you Amazons done with Iolaus?”

I:  “Ah, not enough, if you ask me.”

H:  “Iolaus!  You OK?

I:  “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

Ja:  “I thought they were supposed to be man-haters.”

H:  “Yeah.”

I:  “Yeah, well, they don’t hurt good-_looking_ men.”

Cyane:  “We don’t hurt boys, or he’d be in chains already.  My
name’s Cyane, leader of the Telaquire Amazon nation.”

H:  “Oh-- I’m Hercules.”

Ja:  “Um-- Jason.”

I:  “Um-- Iolaus.  We, uh-- we-we me.”

H:  “Hey, you’re the cargo Zared plans to take to Athens.  People
should not be cargo.”

Cyane:  “My sisters and I plan to take over this ship.  You’ll
either help us or go down with the rest.”

H [Chuckles]:  “Well-- kind of sounds like an order to me.”

Cyane:  “It is.  I’m in charge here.”

H:  “Oh-- well-- with all due respect, with those chains around
your ankles, you’re not much match for Zared’s men.  You’re gonna
need our help.”

Cyane:  “OK.  So you can join us.  But if we find that you’ve
deceived us-- I’ll feed you to the sharks.”

I:  “Oh, gee, that’s fair.”

Ja:  “We gotta find a way to get those chains off.”

H:  “Yeah-- if only we had the key.”

I:  “Mmm.”

H:  “Wait a second.”

I:  “Whoa.  Hey.  Whoa!  Come on!”

Ja:  “No, no, no-- relax.”

I:  “Come on!  That tickles!”

H:  “Ah.”

I:  “Oh, right-- that’s what you wanted.”

H:  “We’ll unlock the Amazons, and we’ll attack in the morning.”

I:  “Morning, huh?”

H:  “Yeah.”

I:  “Well, it looks like someone’s got a busy night ahead.  Hi,
I’m Iolaus.”

H:  “Three, two, one.”

I:  “Ooh!  Feisty!  I can work with that.”

Man’s Voice:  “Lights out!  All lights out!  Lights out!”

Cyane:  “I don’t bite.”

H:  “I know.  I just wanted, uh-- to let you go first.”

Cyane:  “You’ve never seen an Amazon, before, huh?”

H:  “Well-- no, but I’ve heard things.”

Cyane:  “That we’re thieves and-- murderers, and baby-snatchers.
We hate all men and corrupt all women, right?”

H:  “Uh-huh.  Is it true?”

Cyane:  “No.  Thousands of years ago, all the men in our village
were wiped out in a single battle.  From then on, our ancestors
knew that our women needed to be strong.  So, as for men, we
just-- learned to live without them.”

H:  “What about your male children?”

Cyane:  “Oh, they’re returned to their fathers.  The girls stay
here with us and are raised as Amazons-- although, I only speak
for the Telaquire Amazons-- my tribe.”

H:  “There’s more of you?”

Cyane:  “Yeah-- twelve in all.  We were separated during the
great war with the Centaurs.  And one day we do hope to reunite.”

H:  “I’ve heard Centaurs talk about that war.”

Cyane:  “You have Centaur friends.”

H:  “Well, yeah.”

Cyane:  “Well, that explains your hatred of the Amazons, then.”

H:  “Whoa-- no, no.  See, uh-- I don’t hate anybody.”

H:  “So-- you haven’t told me how Zared captured you.”

Cyane:  “He didn’t.  We were tricked by a god.”

H:  “Which god?”

Cyane:  “The cruelest of them all-- Zeus.”

H:  “Are you sure?”

Cyane:  “Zeus told us to leave our land-- and when we refused, he
took us by force, turning us over to Zared.”

H:  “Wait.  That’s impossible.”

Cyane:  “That’s the truth.”

H:  “Zeus doesn’t harm innocent people.”

Cyane:  “You’re naive, Hercules.  Look, I used to think that--
the gods of Olympus were fair and just.  Now, I know that they do
things out of hatred and spite.  I’m sorry.  These have been--
difficult days.”

H:  “It’s OK.  I know a little bit about how hard the gods can

Men’s Voices:  “Sound the morning call!”  “Get to work!”

Man’s Voice:  “Land ho!”

Cyane:  “All right-- let’s break through the hatch door.”

H:  “Whoa-- listen to me.  Now, you do that, and you’ll have all
of Zared’s men out there wating for you.”

Cyane:  “Oh, you got a better idea?”

H:  “I think so.  We’re gonna need the help of someone sneaky--
someone underhanded-- somebody conniving.”

I:  “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

I’s Voice:  “Oh!  Oh!  We’ve sprung a leak!  Oh, help us!  Help
us!  We’re taking on water!”

Sailor:  “Well, go help!”

I’s Voice:  “We’re all gonna drown!  We’re all gonna die!”

Sailor:  “Gotta do something!  Quick!  Open the hold!”

I’s Voice:  “Hold me!  Oh, no!  Help us!  We’re sinking!  Oh!
Oh!  It’s-- oh!  Oh.  Uh-oh.”


H:  “OK.  Any time, ladies-- anytime!”

H’s Voice:  “Iolaus!  Duck!”

Man’s Voice:  “Behind you!”

H’s Voice [?]:  “Coming through!”

Zared:  “Fools!  Get them!  Use your bows!”

H:  “Cyane!  Yes!”

Zared:  “If I stop the leader-- I win the war.  Goodbye, Amazon

Cyane:  “Nice catch.”

H:  “It was OK.”

Cyane:  “Not bad-- for a boy.”

All:  [Cheer]

Amazon’s Voice:  “We did it!”

H:  “So-- where do you think Zared and his men are now?”

Cyane:  “Well-- if this wind holds, they should be in Carthage--
where slave-trading is illegal-- I might add.”

I:  “Hey, uh-- Cyane.  We’re headed towards Athens.  Uh-- you
care to join us?”

Cyane:  “Nah-- thanks, Iolaus-- but, we better be on our way.”

I:  “Oh.”

Cyane:  “Uh-- look, I just-- I wanna apologize-- for-- doubting
you and your friends.”

H:  “Uh, no-- uh-- I need to apologize to you.  You know, I was,
uh-- I was wrong about the Amazons, and I was wrong about you,
and-- I hope your new homeland is everything you dream of.”

Cyane:  “Oh, thank you, Hercules, for-- helping us win our
freedom back.”

I:  “Hey, Herc.  Whoa!  Whoa.  Sorry.  Anyway, uh-- Cyane-- maybe
when you gals, uh, you know-- find your new home, you might wanna
look us up.”

Ja:  “They’re Amazons, Iolaus.  They don’t look men up.  They
conquer them.  Right?”

H:  “Well-- I thought you liked your women sweet and gentle,

I:  “Well, you know-- Cheiron said ya-- gotta keep your options

H:  “Yeah-- sounds good to me.  Well-- we got a new cook to find,

Ja’s Voice:  “Yep.”

H:  “Yeah.”

I:  “Hey, you don’t suppose one of the Amazons might like the

H:  “Somehow, Iolaus, I don’t think they’re the cooking kind--
you know?”

I:  “Hey, you think maybe the Amazons need a cook?”

H [?]:  “You can’t cook.”

I:  “They don’t know that.”


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