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“Teacher’s Pests”  Episode 06/106


H:  “Come on!  Give up!”

Ja:  “Ah-- never!”

H:  “You’re lucky.  I almost hadja [sic].”

Ja:  “Ah-- in your dreams.”

H:  “Oh yeah?  You’re just lucky the bell rang.”

Ja:  “You’re lucky the bell rang.”

H:  “No-- I think _you’re_ lucky the bell rang.  So-- got your
stuff ready?”

Ja:  “Oh, I’ve been ready for this break days.”

H:  “I thought you loved this place.”

Ja:  “I do.  Doesn’t mean I wanna spend my weekends here.”

H:  “Well-- I can think of worse things than hanging out here
with no one else around-- you know?  It’d be nice and quiet.”

Ja:  “Remind me never to have you plan one of my parties.”

Fiducius [Fid]:  “Look out, you!  Clumsy!  You want a
suspension?!  Is that what you want?!  Huh?!”

I [Sing-songy]:  “Mmm, yeah, it’s you.”

H:  “Whoo!”

Ja:  “Whoa.  Smells like a satyr crawled in here and died.”

I:  “Yeah, that’s very funny.  Whoa!  Hey, hey!  Mi-- !  Mind the

H:  “Looks like somebody’s got big plans for the weekend, huh?
What’s up?”

I:  “Well-- if you _losers_ must know-- _I_ have a date-- with

H [Laughs]:  “Come on.  Get serious.”

I:  “Hey, what can I say?  I guess she decided I’m the man for

H:  “Whoo.”

Ja:  “I thought you said you were going to Kora’s to ask for
work-- like bein’ a busboy or sum’in.”

I:  “Do I look like the busboy type?”

H:  “Ah, you’re right-- more like a dishwasher.”

I:  “Ahh-- you’re just jealous.”

Ja:  “No, we’re hungry.”

I:  “Well, I’ll tell you what.  Last one out the gate-- buys


I:  “I think someone owes me a breakfast!”

H:  “Nice one, Iolaus.  Guys-- I think we’re in trouble.”


Fid:  “Hoodlums!  Terrorists!”  [Sneezes]

I:  “Bless you.”

Fid:  “Huh?”

H:  “Fiducius.”

Fid:  “Huh?”

H:  “We’re sorry.  OK?  It was an accident.”

Fid:  “Ha!”

I:  “Yeah-- we were just having a race.”

Fid:  “It was a premeditated malicious attack on a despised
authority figure!  Don’t think-- I don’t know how you boys
_snicker_ at me behind my back!  Keep it up, boys.  You’re just
digging yourselves a bigger hole.  This might even affect your
permanent record.”

Cheiron:  “I trust the discipline Fiducius chooses-- will
enlighten-- as well as punish.”

Fid:  “You’re gonna be enlightened, all right.  Boys, if you had
any plans for today, forget ‘em.  You’re stuck here with me.”

I:  “You can’t do that!”

Fid:  “Why not?”

I:  “Well, because-- I mean-- I mean, I’m sup-I’ve go-- ”

Fid [Interrupting]:  “Obviously, you’ve got me confused with
someone who cares.”

I:  “Yes, sir.”

Fid:  “See?  There are two little words you boys never learned--
respect and responsibility, the keys to an orderly society.  You
boys show no respect.  You boys take no responsibility.  When my
boy, Pythias, was a student here--  things were different.”

I:  “Just kill me now.”

Ja:  “Ah, I hate this.  You really think he’s gonna make us work
all day?”

H:  “Fiducius?  The dean of mean?  You bet.”

I:  “I can’t stay here all day.  Ah-- there’s no way.  I’ve got
to get out.”

Ja:  “Why is that?”

I:  “W-well, you know, I-I got that big date with, uh-- Kora.”

H:  “Date?  You’re gonna have to do better than  that.  Come on;
come on.”

I:  “OK, I’m a busboy.”

Ja:  “Ahhh-- there you go.  Now, don’t you feel better?”

I:  “No, not really.  It’s my first day.  If I don’t turn up--
Kora’s gonna fire me for sure.”

H:  “Why don’t you just tell Fidicius that?”  

I:  “Well, I tried.  He couldn’t care less.  Anyway, how is it
gonna prove I wasn’t just making it up?  So I was, uh-- thinking
I might, uh-- sneak out.”

Ja:  “Are you crazy?”

H:  “You get caught, and you’ll get out of school.”

I:  “Well, if Kora fires me, I can’t pay my tuition anyway.  The
thing is-- I need you guys to cover for me.”

Ja:  “You gotta be kiddin’, Iolaus.”

H:  “Ah-- I don’t think so, you know?”

I:  “Don’t you remember why I’m here?  Probation.  If I’m not in
the academy, I’m in jail.  I’m goin’ to Kora’s, whether or not
you help me.”

H [Sighs]:  “All right.  We’ll do it.”

I:  “Ooh-- you guys are the best.  And Jason-- ”

Ja:  “Don’t  hug me.”

I:  “OK.  OK.”

H:  [Sighs]

Ja:  “Oh!”

H:  “Huh?”  

Ja:  “Hercules-- ”

H:  “Yeah?”

Ja:  “I just remembered.  I, also-- have, uh-- to go.”

H:  “Oh, really?”

Ja:  “Yeah.”

H [Laughs]:  “No!”

Ja:  “I can’t believe I’m doin’ this.”

H:  “What?  You’re great with animals.  Ah!”

Ja:  “You know what I’m talkin’ about-- Fiducius would love to
catch us pullin’ a stunt like this.”

Fid:  “Like what?”

H:  “Uh, uh-- well, like nothin’, sir.”

Fid:  “You call this ‘mucked out’?  My boy, Pythias, would be
ashamed to let a teacher see such-- shoddy work.”

Ja:  “Yeah, I’ll bet he could really shovel it.”

Fid:  “Huh?”

Ja:  “Huh?”

Fid:  “Wait a minute!  Where’s that Iolaus?”

H:  “Oh-- h-he’s-- well, h-he’s right up-- i-in the loft, sir.”

Fid:  “Where?”

H:  “Ah-- right-- up there.  You see?  Hey-- uh, Iolaus!”

Fid:  “I’ll go speed him up!”

H:  “Uh-- ”

Fid:  “Ho!  Hip!  Hip!  Uh-- heyyyyyyy!  My eye!  Eee!”

Ja:  “Sorry about that.  The goat-- the goat.”

H:  “Hey, Iolaus!  Toss me a bale!  Hey, thank you!”

H/I’s Voice:  “Uh, you’re welcome!”

H:  “Ha-ha.”

Ja:  “Hey, we better get that out.  You wouldn’t want the milk to

Fid:  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-- let go of me!  Stay
alert up there!  If you know what’s good for you!”

H/I’s Voice:  “Yes, sir.”

Fid:  “Clumsy-- undisciplined-- irresponsible!”

H and Ja:  [Sighs]

Cadet:  “Look at you, Tapert [?]!  You’re a free man!”

Kora:  “A little late-- for our first day, aren’t we?”

I:  “Uh-- I’m sorry.  It was-- uh, shepherd-- rush hour.”

Kora:  “Oh-- that’s a new one.  Look, I’m really busy, today, so
I need you to wait tables.”

I:  “I’m a waiter?  Cool.  Do-- waiters get to date the boss?

Kora:  “Not dead ones.”

I:  “Ooh!”

Kora:  “Take the table in the corner.  Ya got a customer

I:  “Ow.  It’s OK-- I’m a waiter.  This is just not my day.”


Cadet:  “Come one, let’s go to the house of graves, and Mary
Field.”  [I really didn’t catch this line.]

Kora:  “Uh-- what’s with the hat?”

I:  “Uh-- well, I was just-- uh, thinking-- you know?  What if
all the waiters wore different-- goo-goofy hats?  You know?  I
mean-- ha!  Wouldn’t that be a cute gimmick?”

Kora [Laughs]:  “We already _have_ a cute gimmick.  It’s called,
‘Serving-- the customers’.”

Fid:  “All these scrolls-- must be filed in strict alphabetical
order.  When my boy, Pythias, went here, the students knew the
value of a precisely orderd library.  But nobody reads anymore.
Everyone’s too busy goin’ to plays or, lookin’ at sculptures.
_Now_, where’s  Iolaus?!”

H:  “Ohhh-- uh-- pssh-- he was right behind me a second ago.”

Fid:  “There’s something strange going on-- ”

Ja [Interrupting]:  “He went to slop the hogs.”

Fid:  “Slop the hogs?”

Ja:  “Yeah.”

Fid’s Voice:  “Really?”

Ja:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Slop the hogs.”

Fid:  “Very well.  Get to work.”

H:  “Slop the hogs?”

Ja:  “It was the only thing I could think of!”

Fid:  “Hmm-- slop the hogs.”

Ja:  “He didn’t believe me.  That really burns me up!”

H:  “Let’s hope I can get there first.”

Ja:  “Is there no trust anymore?”

Cheiron:  “Are the oats fresh today?”

I-Disguised:  “Uh-- you bet.”

Cheiron:  “Fine.  I’ll have the, uh-- vegetarian stuffed grape
leaves, and a side order of oats.  Thanks.”

I:  “Thank you.”

H:  “Iolaus-- you owe me so big-time.”

Fid:  “Oh!  Iolaus, is that you?”

H/I:  “Uh-- yes.  Yes, sir.”

Fid:  “You really throw yourself into your work, don’t you, boy?”

H/I [Laughs]:  “Yes, sir.”

Fid:  “I gotta say, it’s better than that cologne you were
wearing.  Carry on.  Just-- wash up before you come back in,

H/I:  “Yes, sir, huh.”

H:  “Hey, what are _you_ lookin’ at, Porky?”

Cadet:  “Dickens is pretty strice about a dress code, here.”

Kora:  “What’s going on?  Why are you hiding from him?”

I:  “Hiding?  Ffff!  What do you mean, hiding?”

Man:  “Hey!  My hat!”

Kora:  “Hmm.  So?”

Cheiron:  “Waiter!  More water, please.”

Kora:  “Mmmm.  Mmm.”

H:  “Hey.”

Ja:  “Oh-- don’t scare me like that.  Hey, what happened?”

H:  “Oh-- you won’t believe it.  I get to the pigpen, right?”

Ja:  “Oh, that’s great.  Hey-- you know what these are?”

H:  “No.”

Ja:  “These are student records.”

H:  “So?”

Ja:  “So-- I just dropped most of the F’s.”

H:  “OK.”

Ja:  “Flanicci.”

H:  “Wait.”

Ja:  “Flaenus.”

H:  “Oh.  Jason-- listen, I-I wouldn’t mess with this if I was
you, OK?”

Ja:  “Ahhh-- here we go-- Pythias Fiducius-- as in, ‘Back when my
boy, Pythias, went to school’.  Let’s see if he’s the, uh--
hotshot big Daddy says he is.”

H:  “Jason-- I really think that we should put it back.  OK.”

Ja:  “Whoa.”

H:  “What?  Oh.  Incompletes?  Look at this.  He even got a

Ja:  “So much for ‘Mr. Perfect Cadet’, huh?”

H:  “You know what’s weird about this?  It doesn’t even mention
him graduating.”

Fid:  “That’s because he didn’t.”

Cheiron:  “Thank you, Kora.”

Kora:  “Come again.”

I:  “So-- how am I doing?”

Kora:  “Oh, I’d say you’re done.”

I:  “You mean, I’m fired?”

Kora:  “Nah-- I’ve just had enough entertainment for one day.”

I:  “Oh-- great.  So, when do I get my pay?”

Kora:  “It should just about cover your damages.”

I:  “Ah.  Gotcha.”

Kora:  “Now, beat it.  I’ll see ya next week.”

I:  “Thanks-- boss.”

Fid:  “He was a good boy, once-- good student.  Made me proud.
Then he started getting into scrapes-- small ones at first.  I
went easy on him-- covered for him-- let him get away with
things.  He got wilder and wilder-- uncontrollable.  I didn’t
know what to do with him.  One day-- he just ran away.  You
wonder why I’m so hard on you boys.  It’s because I don’t want
the same thing to happen to you.  I don’t want to let you down--
the way I did him.”

H:  “You can’t keep blaming yourself for your son’s mistakes.
Eventually, you have to let him take responsibility for himself.”

Fid:  “I wish I could.  Perhaps when you have children of your
own, you’ll understand.”

H:  “Maybe.  But I do know that-- I would be the luckiest kid in
the world if I had a father who cared about me as you care care
about him.”

Fid:  “Huh?”

I:  “Oh-- uh, sorry.  I’ll come back later.”

H:  “Iolaus.  Uh, listen-- Fiducius.  We had to go, OK?  He has a

Ja:  “We said we’d do his work for him.”

I:  “Yeah, yeah-- don’t blame them.  It was my fault.”

Cheiron:  “So-- how did it go, today?”

Fid:  “Not quite-- as I expected.  But they worked hard.  They’re
good boys.”

Cheiron:  “Sometimes it’s the teacher that learns a lesson.
Enjoy the rest of your day.  Oh-- one more thing.  Iolaus-- ”

I [Clears throat]:  “U-uh-- ye-yes, sir?”

Cheiron:  “Your tip.”

I:  “Hey!”

Ja:  “You owe me.”

I:  “For-- ?  Oh-- of course.”

H:  “It’s OK.  You can buy another dinner, all right?”


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