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“Teacher’s Pests” Episode 06/106 [TEASER] H: “Come on! Give up!” Ja: “Ah-- never!” H: “You’re lucky. I almost hadja [sic].” Ja: “Ah-- in your dreams.” H: “Oh yeah? You’re just lucky the bell rang.” Ja: “You’re lucky the bell rang.” H: “No-- I think _you’re_ lucky the bell rang. So-- got your stuff ready?” Ja: “Oh, I’ve been ready for this break days.” H: “I thought you loved this place.” Ja: “I do. Doesn’t mean I wanna spend my weekends here.” H: “Well-- I can think of worse things than hanging out here with no one else around-- you know? It’d be nice and quiet.” Ja: “Remind me never to have you plan one of my parties.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fiducius [Fid]: “Look out, you! Clumsy! You want a suspension?! Is that what you want?! Huh?!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- I [Sing-songy]: “Mmm, yeah, it’s you.” H: “Whoo!” Ja: “Whoa. Smells like a satyr crawled in here and died.” I: “Yeah, that’s very funny. Whoa! Hey, hey! Mi-- ! Mind the hair.” H: “Looks like somebody’s got big plans for the weekend, huh? What’s up?” I: “Well-- if you _losers_ must know-- _I_ have a date-- with Kora.” H [Laughs]: “Come on. Get serious.” I: “Hey, what can I say? I guess she decided I’m the man for her.” H: “Whoo.” Ja: “I thought you said you were going to Kora’s to ask for work-- like bein’ a busboy or sum’in.” I: “Do I look like the busboy type?” H: “Ah, you’re right-- more like a dishwasher.” I: “Ahh-- you’re just jealous.” Ja: “No, we’re hungry.” I: “Well, I’ll tell you what. Last one out the gate-- buys breakfast.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- I: “I think someone owes me a breakfast!” H: “Nice one, Iolaus. Guys-- I think we’re in trouble.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- [ACT I] Fid: “Hoodlums! Terrorists!” [Sneezes] I: “Bless you.” Fid: “Huh?” H: “Fiducius.” Fid: “Huh?” H: “We’re sorry. OK? It was an accident.” Fid: “Ha!” I: “Yeah-- we were just having a race.” Fid: “It was a premeditated malicious attack on a despised authority figure! Don’t think-- I don’t know how you boys _snicker_ at me behind my back! Keep it up, boys. You’re just digging yourselves a bigger hole. This might even affect your permanent record.” Cheiron: “I trust the discipline Fiducius chooses-- will enlighten-- as well as punish.” Fid: “You’re gonna be enlightened, all right. Boys, if you had any plans for today, forget ‘em. You’re stuck here with me.” I: “You can’t do that!” Fid: “Why not?” I: “Well, because-- I mean-- I mean, I’m sup-I’ve go-- ” Fid [Interrupting]: “Obviously, you’ve got me confused with someone who cares.” I: “Yes, sir.” Fid: “See? There are two little words you boys never learned-- respect and responsibility, the keys to an orderly society. You boys show no respect. You boys take no responsibility. When my boy, Pythias, was a student here-- things were different.” I: “Just kill me now.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ja: “Ah, I hate this. You really think he’s gonna make us work all day?” H: “Fiducius? The dean of mean? You bet.” I: “I can’t stay here all day. Ah-- there’s no way. I’ve got to get out.” Ja: “Why is that?” I: “W-well, you know, I-I got that big date with, uh-- Kora.” H: “Date? You’re gonna have to do better than that. Come on; come on.” I: “OK, I’m a busboy.” Ja: “Ahhh-- there you go. Now, don’t you feel better?” I: “No, not really. It’s my first day. If I don’t turn up-- Kora’s gonna fire me for sure.” H: “Why don’t you just tell Fidicius that?” I: “Well, I tried. He couldn’t care less. Anyway, how is it gonna prove I wasn’t just making it up? So I was, uh-- thinking I might, uh-- sneak out.” Ja: “Are you crazy?” H: “You get caught, and you’ll get out of school.” I: “Well, if Kora fires me, I can’t pay my tuition anyway. The thing is-- I need you guys to cover for me.” Ja: “You gotta be kiddin’, Iolaus.” H: “Ah-- I don’t think so, you know?” I: “Don’t you remember why I’m here? Probation. If I’m not in the academy, I’m in jail. I’m goin’ to Kora’s, whether or not you help me.” H [Sighs]: “All right. We’ll do it.” I: “Ooh-- you guys are the best. And Jason-- ” Ja: “Don’t hug me.” I: “OK. OK.” H: [Sighs] Ja: “Oh!” H: “Huh?” Ja: “Hercules-- ” H: “Yeah?” Ja: “I just remembered. I, also-- have, uh-- to go.” H: “Oh, really?” Ja: “Yeah.” H [Laughs]: “No!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Ja: “I can’t believe I’m doin’ this.” H: “What? You’re great with animals. Ah!” Ja: “You know what I’m talkin’ about-- Fiducius would love to catch us pullin’ a stunt like this.” Fid: “Like what?” H: “Uh, uh-- well, like nothin’, sir.” Fid: “You call this ‘mucked out’? My boy, Pythias, would be ashamed to let a teacher see such-- shoddy work.” Ja: “Yeah, I’ll bet he could really shovel it.” Fid: “Huh?” Ja: “Huh?” Fid: “Wait a minute! Where’s that Iolaus?” H: “Oh-- h-he’s-- well, h-he’s right up-- i-in the loft, sir.” Fid: “Where?” H: “Ah-- right-- up there. You see? Hey-- uh, Iolaus!” Fid: “I’ll go speed him up!” H: “Uh-- ” Fid: “Ho! Hip! Hip! Uh-- heyyyyyyy! My eye! Eee!” Ja: “Sorry about that. The goat-- the goat.” H: “Hey, Iolaus! Toss me a bale! Hey, thank you!” H/I’s Voice: “Uh, you’re welcome!” H: “Ha-ha.” Ja: “Hey, we better get that out. You wouldn’t want the milk to curdle.” Fid: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-- let go of me! Stay alert up there! If you know what’s good for you!” H/I’s Voice: “Yes, sir.” Fid: “Clumsy-- undisciplined-- irresponsible!” H and Ja: [Sighs] ----------------------------------------------------------------- Cadet: “Look at you, Tapert [?]! You’re a free man!” Kora: “A little late-- for our first day, aren’t we?” I: “Uh-- I’m sorry. It was-- uh, shepherd-- rush hour.” Kora: “Oh-- that’s a new one. Look, I’m really busy, today, so I need you to wait tables.” I: “I’m a waiter? Cool. Do-- waiters get to date the boss? Ow!” Kora: “Not dead ones.” I: “Ooh!” Kora: “Take the table in the corner. Ya got a customer waiting.” I: “Ow. It’s OK-- I’m a waiter. This is just not my day.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- [ACT II] Cadet: “Come one, let’s go to the house of graves, and Mary Field.” [I really didn’t catch this line.] Kora: “Uh-- what’s with the hat?” I: “Uh-- well, I was just-- uh, thinking-- you know? What if all the waiters wore different-- goo-goofy hats? You know? I mean-- ha! Wouldn’t that be a cute gimmick?” Kora [Laughs]: “We already _have_ a cute gimmick. It’s called, ‘Serving-- the customers’.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fid: “All these scrolls-- must be filed in strict alphabetical order. When my boy, Pythias, went here, the students knew the value of a precisely orderd library. But nobody reads anymore. Everyone’s too busy goin’ to plays or, lookin’ at sculptures. _Now_, where’s Iolaus?!” H: “Ohhh-- uh-- pssh-- he was right behind me a second ago.” Fid: “There’s something strange going on-- ” Ja [Interrupting]: “He went to slop the hogs.” Fid: “Slop the hogs?” Ja: “Yeah.” Fid’s Voice: “Really?” Ja: “Yeah.” H: “Slop the hogs.” Fid: “Very well. Get to work.” H: “Slop the hogs?” Ja: “It was the only thing I could think of!” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fid: “Hmm-- slop the hogs.” Ja: “He didn’t believe me. That really burns me up!” H: “Let’s hope I can get there first.” Ja: “Is there no trust anymore?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Cheiron: “Are the oats fresh today?” I-Disguised: “Uh-- you bet.” Cheiron: “Fine. I’ll have the, uh-- vegetarian stuffed grape leaves, and a side order of oats. Thanks.” I: “Thank you.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- H: “Iolaus-- you owe me so big-time.” Fid: “Oh! Iolaus, is that you?” H/I: “Uh-- yes. Yes, sir.” Fid: “You really throw yourself into your work, don’t you, boy?” H/I [Laughs]: “Yes, sir.” Fid: “I gotta say, it’s better than that cologne you were wearing. Carry on. Just-- wash up before you come back in, huh?” H/I: “Yes, sir, huh.” H: “Hey, what are _you_ lookin’ at, Porky?” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Cadet: “Dickens is pretty strice about a dress code, here.” Kora: “What’s going on? Why are you hiding from him?” I: “Hiding? Ffff! What do you mean, hiding?” Man: “Hey! My hat!” Kora: “Hmm. So?” Cheiron: “Waiter! More water, please.” Kora: “Mmmm. Mmm.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- H: “Hey.” Ja: “Oh-- don’t scare me like that. Hey, what happened?” H: “Oh-- you won’t believe it. I get to the pigpen, right?” Ja: “Oh, that’s great. Hey-- you know what these are?” H: “No.” Ja: “These are student records.” H: “So?” Ja: “So-- I just dropped most of the F’s.” H: “OK.” Ja: “Flanicci.” H: “Wait.” Ja: “Flaenus.” H: “Oh. Jason-- listen, I-I wouldn’t mess with this if I was you, OK?” Ja: “Ahhh-- here we go-- Pythias Fiducius-- as in, ‘Back when my boy, Pythias, went to school’. Let’s see if he’s the, uh-- hotshot big Daddy says he is.” H: “Jason-- I really think that we should put it back. OK.” Ja: “Whoa.” H: “What? Oh. Incompletes? Look at this. He even got a suspension.” Ja: “So much for ‘Mr. Perfect Cadet’, huh?” H: “You know what’s weird about this? It doesn’t even mention him graduating.” Fid: “That’s because he didn’t.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Cheiron: “Thank you, Kora.” Kora: “Come again.” I: “So-- how am I doing?” Kora: “Oh, I’d say you’re done.” I: “You mean, I’m fired?” Kora: “Nah-- I’ve just had enough entertainment for one day.” I: “Oh-- great. So, when do I get my pay?” Kora: “It should just about cover your damages.” I: “Ah. Gotcha.” Kora: “Now, beat it. I’ll see ya next week.” I: “Thanks-- boss.” ----------------------------------------------------------------- Fid: “He was a good boy, once-- good student. Made me proud. Then he started getting into scrapes-- small ones at first. I went easy on him-- covered for him-- let him get away with things. He got wilder and wilder-- uncontrollable. I didn’t know what to do with him. One day-- he just ran away. You wonder why I’m so hard on you boys. It’s because I don’t want the same thing to happen to you. I don’t want to let you down-- the way I did him.” H: “You can’t keep blaming yourself for your son’s mistakes. Eventually, you have to let him take responsibility for himself.” Fid: “I wish I could. Perhaps when you have children of your own, you’ll understand.” H: “Maybe. But I do know that-- I would be the luckiest kid in the world if I had a father who cared about me as you care care about him.” Fid: “Huh?” I: “Oh-- uh, sorry. I’ll come back later.” H: “Iolaus. Uh, listen-- Fiducius. We had to go, OK? He has a job.” Ja: “We said we’d do his work for him.” I: “Yeah, yeah-- don’t blame them. It was my fault.” Cheiron: “So-- how did it go, today?” Fid: “Not quite-- as I expected. But they worked hard. They’re good boys.” Cheiron: “Sometimes it’s the teacher that learns a lesson. Enjoy the rest of your day. Oh-- one more thing. Iolaus-- ” I [Clears throat]: “U-uh-- ye-yes, sir?” Cheiron: “Your tip.” I: “Hey!” Ja: “You owe me.” I: “For-- ? Oh-- of course.” H: “It’s OK. You can buy another dinner, all right?” -----------------------------------------------------------------
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