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“Template”  Episode 15/115


Ja:  [Whistles]

H:  “Hey, sh!  You’ll scare the fishes, all right?”

I:  “Hey, uh-- what did you put for number 12?”

Ja:  “Pandora’s Box.”

I:  “Pandora’s Box?”

Ja:  “Yeah.”

I:  “What did _you_ put?”

H:  “Pandora’s Box-- why?  What’d you put?”

I:  “Uh-- I just put-- ” [Coughs]

H:  “What was that?  What’d you put?”

Ja:  “What did you say?”

I:  “I said I put, ‘False’?”

H [Laughs]:  “It wasn’t a ‘True or False’ question.”

I:  “Oh, come on.  The instructions were confusing.”

H:  “Oh.”

Ja:  “You gotta crack a scroll every now and then if you wanna graduate, my friend.”

I:  “Oh, thank you Jason, Mr. ‘God of Homework’.”

H:  “Listen-- next time, we’ll study together, all right?”

Ja:  “Hmmmmm.”

I:  “Whatever.”

Ares:  “I’m afraid there’s not gonna be a next time for you, little brother.”

I:  “Ares.”

Ares:  “Guys-- can we have a little privacy?”

H:  “You leave them out of this!”

Ares:  “What makes you think you can come-- defile _my_ temple-- and get away with it?!  My priest _saw_ you!”

H:  “Whoa-- uh-- what?”

Ares:  “Wha-wha-what?!  You _know_ what I’m talkin’ about!”


H:  “No-- actually-- I _don’t_ know what you’re talkin’ about.  Oh-- oh-- what you gonna do now?!”

Ares:  [Laughs]

H [Laughs]:  “It was, uh-- whoa!  Yah!”  [Coughs]

I:  “Hercules!”

Ja:  “Let’s get him!”

Ares:  “Now, I guess we find out if blood really is thicker than water.”



Ares:  “I letcha live too long.  You’ve gotten cocky.”

H:  “Wow, you need help!  Why can’t you just leave me alone?!”

Ares:  “I don’t like you.”

H:  [Yells]

Ares:  Hey-- ”

H:  “Listen-- I’ve never even _been_ to your temple, all right?”

Ares:  “Liar!  Ow!  Ow!  [Laughs]  Whoo!  Whoo-hoo!  You know?!  I never really _cared_ for large families!  Good night, Johnboy!”

H:  [Yells]

Ares:  “You’re too slow, little brother!  You really are at that awkward age-- and I’m afraid you’re _never_ gonna grow out of it!”  [Laughs]


Ja:  “The boat!”

H:  “Hercules?  Wait, wait, wait!  I can’t swim!”

Ja:  “What?!”

I:  “Remember last time you threw me in?!  I ca-I can’t swim!”

Ja:  “All right-- just be ready to help when I pull him out.  Hercules!”

I:  “Come on, Jason.”

Ja:  “I can’t see him!  It’s too deep!

I:  “Keep looking for him, Jason!”

Ja:  “Hercules!  Hercules!”


H:  “Huh?  Huh?  Wha?  Huh?  Am I dead?  No.  OK.  Olympus-- how’d I get here?  Apollo.  Athena?  Hephaestus?  Hey. ”

Hephaestus [Heph] [Laughs]:  “Yo, Bro!”  [Laughs]

Ares:  “Brothers-- Sister-- to what do I owe the honor-- of being invited here, today?”

Athena [Ath]:  “You stand accused of the attempted murder-- in full defiance of Zeus’ protective order-- of your brother-- Hercules.”

Ares:  “_Half_-brother-- if you don’t mind.”

Apollo:  “Whatever-- the point is, you tried to kill him.”

Ares:  “If I _tried_ to kill him-- he’d be dead right now.”

Ath:  “I suggest you take these charges a little more seriously.  If this tribunal finds you guilty-- you’ll spend an eternity of unimaginable torment-- ” 

H [Whispers]:  “Stop it!”

Ath:  “-- in the fiery depths of Tartarus-- that is reserved for fallen gods.”

H [Laughs]:  “Well.”

Ares:  “Sister, I’m sure you would love _any_ excuse to put me away for an eternity.  But don’t you think Zeus has gone a bit far this time, protecting his little boy?  I mean, prosecuting the god of war for attacking somebody-- it’s what I do.”

Apollo:  “Oh, so let me get this straight.  When you maim, kill, and pillage-- on, it’s strictly business, right?”

Ares:  “I love my job.  So, sue me.”

Ath:  “I grant you your role in the universe, Ares-- but even you can go too far-- and this time-- you did.”

Ares:  “Excuse me-- did I miss something here?  Or have we forgotten some-- tiny detail  like-- oh, I don’t know-- a trial?”

Ath:  [Clears throat]

Heph:  “Oh-- right, yeah-- sorry.  [Clears throat]  Um-- uh-- right.  Uh-- ‘As an O-- ’ what’s that?  Oh, ‘Olympian god-- you will receive a fair herring [sic], and-- in accordance with the law, you are allowed to choose your own-- d-- ’ whats-- ?  Oh, ‘-- defender.’”  [Laughs]

Ath:  “Counsel for the defense-- please rise.  I said, ‘Rise!’”

H:  “Me?”


I:  “Cowards!  Come on and fight me!  You call yourself gods!  You sneak up-- and attack people without warning!  You’re not gods!  You’re just a bunch of stinkin’ cowards!”

Ja:  “Iolaus.”

I:  “Leave me alone, Jas.”

Ja:  “Hey, it’s not your fault.  It’s not our fault.  Ares-- is a god.  There’s nothin’ we coulda done.”

I:  “All I know is my friend needed me-- and I was no help.  And now he’s gone.”


Apollo:  “Hello-- we’re waiting.”

Ares:  “May I have a word with my counsel?”

Ath:  “Please do.”

H:  “Hi.  Hi.  Huh?  Huh?”

Ares:  “You’re not starting off too well, little brother.”

H:  “Let me get this straight, OK?  You chose me to represent you on charges ’a  you-- tryin’ to kill me.”

Ares:  “The irony of it appealed to me.  Besides, you’re such a goody-good-- I know you’re gonna do your best.”

H:  “I got a question.  Am I allowed to refuse to serve as Ares’s defender?”

Heph:  “Oh, uh-- right, uh [Clears throat]-- OK, uh-- ah-- ‘If-- s-- s-- s-- ’ oh, ‘-- selected-- as a defender by an accused god in a godly tri-- tri-- ’ oh, ‘-- tribunal-- ’ uh, ‘-- the chosen one must serve or else share the sentence, if the accused is found g-- g-- gwilty [sic].’”

H [Sighs]:  “Well-- I accept, then.”

Apollo:  “Good choice.”

H:  “This is ridiculous-- OK?  I-- I know you’re guilty.  I was there.”

Ares:  “Well, I wasn’t.”

H:  “What are you talkin’ about?”

Ares:  “I didn’t-- I did not try to kill you, OK?  I mean, I’d love to, right here, right now-- but I’m no fool.  You’re under Zeus’s protection-- and I do not intend to spend the rest of eternity in Tartarus, being gnawed on by some idiotic monster.  You got that, Mister?”

H:  “I got it.”

Ath:  “Counsel for the defense-- how do you plead?”

H:  “Not guilty.”



H:  “Uh-- so-- y-you weren’t there.  OK, but-- you’re gonna need an alibi, and you’re gonna need a witness to back it up.”

Ares:  “Strife and Discord-- I was with them, today.  It’s perfect.”

H:  “Ooh, I-I-- I don’t know.  A-are you sure you can trust ‘em?”  

Ares:  “It’s not a matter of trust-- they’re scared of me.”

H:  “Uh-- ”

Ares:  “Just do it-- Counselor.”

H:  “OK.  I call Discord.”

Dis:  “Hmm.”

Strife:  “Meow.”

H:  “Hi.  [Chuckles]  Oh, um-- where were you on the day in question?”  

Dis:  “You mean, today.”

H:  “Yes, today.”

Dis:  “I was with Ares-- at his place.”

H:  “Oh-- all day?”

Dis:  “Pretty much.”

H:  “OK.  And, uh-uh, at any point in your day, did you hear Ares, you know, sort of talk about-- trying to-- kill me?”

Dis:  “Sure-- he talks about it constantly.  It’s his favorite topic.  Well, you _know_  it’s true!”

Ares:  “Eh.”

H:  “Oh-- so, what you’re tryin’ to say is that it’s-it’s not unusual to, um-- to, uh-- hear Ares-- talk about-- tryin’ to kill me?”

Dis:  “Not at all-- of course-- today _was_ a little different.”

H:  “Really.  Wh-why is that?”

Dis:  “Because today-- he actually _did_ try to kill you.”

Ares:  “She’s lying!”

Ath:  “Ares-- calm down!”


Cheiron:  “Iolaus-- where you going?”

I:  “I don’t know.  I can’t stay here.”

Cheiron:  “Don’t you think Hercules would want you to stay?”

I:  “Every day would be a reminder I lost a friend.”

Cheiron:  “You know?  It’s said-- that, uh-- a friend is never really lost-- if you remain true to the dreams you shared.”


Ath:  “Quiet in the court!”

H:  “Let me get this straight-- you’re saying that, um-- you were actually a witness to Ares trying to kill me.”

Dis:  “Yes-- I was.”

H:  “How come I didn’t see you there?”

Dis:  “Well, I wasn’t _there_ there-- but I was watching, you know?  The way _real_ gods can do?”

H:  “Well, uh-- would you do me a favor?  Just explain how Ares tried to kill me.  You know?  I mean-- what’d he do?  Come on.”

Dis:  “Well first, he hit you.  Then he smashed up your little boat-- did a real number on your friends.  And you put up a pretty good fight.”

H:  “You know, uh?  You two really shoulda got your stories straight.  That’s all I’m saying.”

Ares:  “Shh.  She’s lying-- don’t listen to her.”

Dis:  “Hmmmm.”

H:  “Just one more question-- so-- if Ares is found guilty and he’s sent to Tartarus, then-- who do you work for?  Who?  Um-- Strife?”

Dis:  “Excuse me?”

H:  “Well-- I mean-- that’s the way it works, isn’t it?  I mean, Strife’s the next in line.  I mean, Ares goes out and, Strife comes in, and he’s the god of war, right?”

Dis:  “That little twerp?!  God of war?!”

H:  “Oh-- well, uh-- I mean-- who else would it be?  I-it’s-- Ooh!”

Dis:  “We’re not talking god here, pal.  We’re talking _goddess_.  Got it?!”

H:  “Yeah-- no further questions.  Chk-chk.”

Dis:  “Hmm.”

Ares:  “Riiiiiight-- so, you think-- ”

H:  “Hey, sh.  I’m thinkin’ here, all right?”

H’s Voice:  “All right.  The defense calls Strife.”

Ares:  “Don’t betray me.”

H:  “Strife-- ”

Strife:  “That’s my name.  Don’t wear it out.”  [Laughs]

H:  “Were you with Ares, today?”

Strife:  “Yep!”

H:  “Did you witness the attack on me?”

Heph:  “Cuckoo.”

Strife:  “You could put it that way.  Hmm.  Ooh, Athena.”

H:  “Was it Ares who attacked me?”

Strife:  “Well, it sure looked like him.”

Ares:  “You backstabbing, sniveling worm!”

Ath:  “Ares-- calm down!  I’ll _not_ warn you again!”

H:  “Let me ask you a question.  Um-- was there sum’in’-- different about Ares today?  You know, I mean-- the way he attacked me?”

Strife:  “Different?  Well, what do you mean?”

H:  “I don know.  Like he wasn’t himself.  You know, he kind of had like, a-- slow reaction time?  He was a little clumsy?  A little confused?  A little-- weak?  Did you get that impression?”

Strife:  “Nah-- he looked good to me.  [Laughs]  He’s the champ.”

H:  “I don’t know.  I got the drop on him like two or three times.  There was this one time-- I really flattened him.  I swear-- I saw him cry.  [Gods laugh]  Come on, Strife.  You wanna know what I think?  I’m not convinced that Ares even shattered that boat-- hmm?  I think that the wood was rotten-- the big old crybaby just walked in there, tripped over his own feet, and I think-- !”

Strife:  “No way!  I laid you out!  I brought you down!  And I-- !  Don’t look at me!  [Crying]  Sh-she made me do it!”

H:  “I rest my case.”

Heph:  “Do you want me to, uh-- forge some more chains?”

Ath:  “Two sets.”

Heph:  “OK.”

Strife [Crying]:  “I’m sorry.”


Ath:  “Ares-- it is the decision of this tribunal-- that all charges against you be dropped.”

Ares:  “Yes!”

Ath:  “Strife and Discord-- for conspiring to murder a protected mortal-- and for impersonating a god-- we sentence you to eternity in the depths of Tartarus.”

Strife:  “Oh, Man”

Ares:  “May I-- ask a favor of the court?”

Ath:  “Hmm?”

Ares:  “Turn ‘em over to me.”

Dis:  “That’s OK-- really.”

Strife:  “Tartarus is, uh-- fine.”

Ath:  “Very well.  Court is now adjourned.”

Apollo:  “Bye-bye, guys.  Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-- let’s go catch some rays.”

Ares:  “Ha-ha!  You realize, this changes nothing-- between us.”

H:  “Yeah?  You’re welcome.”


Ja:  “I hear you’re staying with us.”

I:  “Yeah-- I just think it’s what Hercules would have wanted, you know?”

Ja:  “Could be.  Why don’t you ask him, yourself?”

I:  “Hercules?  Herc?!  Uh-- ”

H:  “Uh-- hey.  Well-- I guess I was gone longer than I thought, huh?”

I:  “Where have you been?”

H:  “Oh, well-- kind of hard to explain, really.”

I:  “Oh.  OK.  Well-- just don’t go vanishing on us again, OK?”

H:  “Yeah, all right-- I’ll try not to.”

Ja:  “Welcome back, Hercules.”

H:  “Thanks, Jason.  Yeah.”

I:  “Uh-- ”

H:  “Yeah.”

I:  “Um--”

H:  “Uh-- all right.  You weren’t-- worried-- about me, right?”

I:  “I knew you were comin’ back.”


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