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“Down and Out In Academy Hills”  Episode 16/116


H:  “You know, uh-- I don’t know what you two are doin’ for lunch, but, uh- mine’s almost done.” 

I:  “Well-- how ‘bout we share-- and when I catch one, I’ll give ya half.”

Ja:  “Eh, give Hercules a break.  It’s hard to split somethin’ that small.  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  This one’s a fighter!  Come on!  Come on!  Oh!  Whoo-hoo.  It’s a beauty!

H:  “Well-- I see the bait, Jason, but, uh-- where’s the fish?”

I:  “Yeah-- it’s not exactly king-size, is it?”

Ja:  “Uh-- keep laughin’.  We’re gonna hafta build a bigger fire to cook this baby.”

H [Interrupting]:  “Uh-huh.”

I:  “Hey-- I got a bite.  I got one!  I got one!  Guys!  Guys, I got one!  Come on!  Come on-- help me!  Ahh.”

H:  “Keep trying, Iolaus.  Maybe next time you’ll find one for your _left_ foot, huh?”

Ja:  “I know what’s for lunch-- fillet of sole.”

I:  “Yeah-- very funny.  Aw.  Come here, little buddy.  Oh, I am the master.”


Man:  “Hey!  I paid you to make this look like my daughter!”

Giant:  “You looked at your daughter, lately?”  [Chuckles]

Man:   “Next time, I’ll give my business to Hephaestus!”


Giant:  “I know that voice.  Now-- we’ll really see-- who’s the best!”


I:  “You know, guys-- they don’t look like rain clouds.”

H:  “Hey-- hey, hang on!  I’m comin’ to get you!  Give me a hand.  Everything’s gonna be fine.  Listen-- who are you?”

Hephaestus [Heph]:  “I’m-- well, I-- I don’t remember.”



Heph:  “This is good!  I’ve never tasted anything like this, before.”

Ja:  “I haven’t, either-- until I came to the academy.”

Heph:  “Uh-- may I?”

I:  “Well-- if you want it, Fish.”

Ja’s Voice:  “Fish?”

I:  “Yeah, we pulled him out of the pond.  We gotta call him something.”

Cheiron:  “You did well.”

H:  “Well-- I couldn’t just leave him there.  He doesn’t even remember his name.”

Cheiron:  “No man is without a past.  Someone’ll come for him, or his memory will return.  Till then, I’m sure you’ll take good care of him.”

Heph:  [Belches]

H:  “[That was a] nice one, buddy.”


H:  “Are you OK?  You were cryin’ out in your sleep.”

Heph:  “It was a bad dream.  I saw things.  I don’t know.”

H:  “What-- what kind of things did you see?”

Heph:  “Forge.  I-- I think I work there.  My mother thought it wasn’t good enough-- working with my hands, making things.  She threw me out.  Well I, uh-- I can’t remember but I, uh-- I think-- ”

H:  “What?”

Heph:  “I wanted her to approve.  I wanted her to notice me.”

H:  “I’m sure she will, one day.  What about your dad?”

Heph:  “Father?”

H:  “Yeah.”

Heph:  “Well I, uh-- I don’t remember.”

H:  “That’s OK.  Cheiron says it’ll come back to you, so, uh-- just try and get some sleep, OK?”

Heph:  “Yes.  Sleep.”


Man’s Voice:  “Let’s go, cadets!  Everybody hit the showers!”

H:  “Whoa, whoa, whoa-- Fish-- what are you doin’ buddy?  It’s broken.  You’re wastin’ your time.”

Heph:  “Well I, uh-- I fixed it-- made a few improvements-- adjustments.  It’ll work better now.”

I:  “Why bother?  Strictly for beginners-- see?  Oh, my hair!”

Lilith [Lil]:  “Well-- well, make it stop!”

I:  “Come on, you guys!”

Heph:  “I can’t.”

Ja:  “Hang on, little buddy.  I’m comin’ in to getcha!”

H:  “Jason!”

I:  “Hey!  Help me!”

H:  “Oooh!”

I:  “Ahhhh!  Hercules!

Lil:  “Ohhhh!  Come on, Hercules!  Do something!”

I:  “No!  Not the hair!  Ahh!  Thanks for the trim.”


Giant:  [Roars]

A Man:  [Screams]

Giant:  “Where are you?!  You worthless piece of metalworking god-trash?!”


Male Voice:  “Did you hear?  Simon’s got rabies.”

Kora:  “Hey, guys.  I’ve got something new on the menu that’s gonna be a real moneymaker.  This place could sure use one.”

Ja:  “What is it?”

Kora:  “Well, I haven’t figured out what to call it yet-- but it’s made from these dried beans from Ethiopia.”

I:  “Dried beans?  That’s uh-- that’s-- great.”

Kora:  “No, you don’t understand.  You see-- you grind the beans up-- and then you boil it in water.”

H:  “Ah-- so it’s bean soup.”

Kora:  “No, no, because after it’s boiled, you throw the ground beans away.”

I:  “Ah, that’s a waste.”

Kora:  “And you drink the water.”

Ja:  “You really think somebody’s gonna pay to drink old bean water?”

Kora:  “Well, you add milk first.”

Heph:  Needs cinnamon.”

Kora:  “Cinnamon, yeah.”

H:  “Ah-- I’m gonna take a wild stab in the-- dark, here.  Have you been-- drinkin’ a lot of that?”

Kora:  “Oh, year [sic]-- a lot.  I-i-it’s great.”  [Giggles] 

H:  “OK-- let’s get back to the academy, all right?”


H:  “OK, you can open ‘em.  Ta-da!  I talked it over with Cheiron and, uh-- we think you’re gonna love it here, you know?  There’s always lots of stuff that needs fixin’.  So, um-- Fish-- you know that thing you made at Kora’s?”

Heph:  “Yeah?”

H:  “How’d you do that?”

Heph:  “Well, it was easy.  Ideas come to me.  I look at something, and-- I see what it could be.”

H:  “You-you just kind of-- see what it-- could be-- right.  Whew.  I’ve never known anyone that can see things like you, you know?  It’s like a-- like a-- gift from the gods, or something.”

Heph:  “Gods?!  I-- can’t-- ”

H:  “Fish, are you OK?  Fish?”

[[[[[[Hera:  “You’re no god, Hephaestus-- no son of mine!  You’re nothing!”]]]]]]

Heph:  “I know my name.  It’s-- it’s Heph-- Hephaest-- Hephaes-- ”

H:  “Hephaestus?  Fish-- ”

Heph [Whispers]:  “Yeah.”

H:  “Is it Hephaestus?”

Heph [Whispers]:  “Hephaestus.”

H:  “Huh-- you’re a god!  But-- that means we’re brothers!  Fish-- we’re half-brothers!  I _knew_ there was sum’in’ different about you!”

Giant:  “There’s Hephaestus!  You coward!  Can’t hide from me now!”



H:  “OK-- first of all, who are you?  Second of all, what do you want with Hephaestus?”

Giant:  “Out of my way, if you don’t wanna get hurt.  My fight’s with him!”

Heph:  “I don’t wanna fight.”

H:  “You’ll have to go past me.”

Giant:  “We’ll see, boy.  We’ll see!”

Lil, Ja, and I:  “Whoa!”

I:  “Hey, what is your problem?!”

H:  “Hey!  Hey!  Hey!  Tiny, over here, huh?!  Why don’t you pick on someone your own size, huh?!  Huh?!  Come on.  Let’s go.”

Giant:  “You can’t hide here forever!  I’ll be waiting for you!”

I:  “Who was Mr. Congeniality?”

H:  “Oh-- he was after Hephaestus?”

I:  “Who?”

H:  “Hephaestus?  Metalsmith of the gods-- my half-brother.  Fish.”

I:  “Fish is a god?”

H:  “Fish is a god.”

I:  “Well-- guess it takes all kinds.”


H:  “Hey.  What you doing?”

Heph:  “Not much.”

H:  “Listen, uh-- why was that giant after you?”

Heph:  “His name’s Argus.  He builds things like me.  But he’s sloppy-- not very good.  Well, I guess he’s jealous.”

H:  “You remember everything now, don’t you?”

Heph:  “Yeah-- I’ve heard about you.  You’re my brother, Hercules.”

H:  “Half-brother.”

Heph:  “Ares doesn’t like you much.”

H:  “Well-- I’m not too crazy about him, either.  Listen, Hephaestus.  What happened?  Why are you here?”

Heph:  “You won’t tell anyone, will ya?”

H:  “No.”

Heph:  “Hera threw me out-- out of Olympus.”

H:  “Why?”

Heph:  “Because I’m not like Ares.  Well, you should know-- he’s your brother, too.  All I wanna do is make things.  Hera said if I’m not gonna act like a god, I should live down here with mortals.”

H:  “What about Zeus?  What does he say?”

Heph:  “He says this is between Hera and me.”

H:  “Doesn’t he care?”

Heph:  “I don’t know.  I-- I don’t see him, much.”

H:  “So-- what’re you gonna do?  You know?  You gonna go home?  Back to Olympus?”

Heph:  “No-- maybe Hera’s right.  Maybe I don’t deserve to be up there.”

I:  “Psst.  Hercules.  Hercules-- come here.”

H:  “I’ll be right back-- OK?  What do you want?”

I:  “What did he say?”

Lil:  “Hey, what’s he doing here?”

H:  “Hera kicked him out of Olympus.”

I:  “Ooh.”

H:  “Yeah-- he wants to stay here and start a new life.  Looks like we got the world’s best metalsmith as a guest for a while.”

I:  “Uh, Hercules?”

H:  “What?  You got a problem with Heph stayin’ here?”

I:  “No, but I think he does.”

H:  “Hephaestus?  Hephaestus.”  


H:  “There you are.  Hephaestus!  Hephaestus, how come you just took off like that?  You didn’t even say goodbye.”

Heph:  “I had to go.  If I stayed, the academy was in danger from Argus.”

H:  “You don’t even know where you’re going, do you?”

Heph:  “It doesn’t matter-- anywhere I can live and build things.”

H:  “You can build things on Olympus.”

Heph:  “She threw me out?”

H:  “Hephaestus-- maybe I’m luckier than you-- all right?  I-I’ve never known my father, but, uh-- I’ve always known my mother loves me.  But Olympus is your home.  It’s your home-- as well as Hera’s.  Now go home.  Make her accept you.”

Heph:  “No-- I can’t go back.”

Giant:  “There you are!  Stand aside, boy!”
H:  “What are you trying to prove!  You-you’re not gonna make your work as good as his.”

Heph:  “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!”

H:  “That’s _way_ out of line, Mister!”

Cadet’s Voice:  “Hercules!  What are you doing?”

Giant:  “You shoulda stayed out of this!”

Heph:  “Nooo!  Yes!”

H:  “All right, nice shot, Brother!”

Heph:  “Right.  Come on, slop artist!”

Giant:  “Call yourself a guard?!  Huh-huh.  I’ll melt you!  Ha-ha-ha!  You’re not gettin’ away this time!  Oh, no.”  [Yells]

H:  “All right, Hephaestus.  We make a good team.”

Heph:  “I never fought anybody like that before.”

H:  “Well-- you stood up to Argus.  Glad to have ya as my brother.  And listen, who are you?”

Heph:  “Hephaestus.”

H:  “No-- Hera’s son.  Say it.”

Heph:  “I’m Hera’s son.”

H:  “That’s right.  And don’t let her forget it.”

Heph:  “You’re right.  It’s not my fault she’s disappointed in me.  And I can’t be like Ares.  I’ve got to be my own kind of god.  I’m goin’ back to Olympus.  Thanks, Hercules-- for everything.”

H:  “All right.  Oh-- Hephaestus?  Uh-- you know, Zeus-- does he, uh-- does he ever talk about me?  See you later, Fish?”


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